The holiday season is our time to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, spend time with our families, make and share memories for years to come…and oh yes, wait on Christmas Eve for the arrival of Santa Claus. Everyone loves the jolly old fat man, even Hollywood. Unfortunately, Hollywood hasn’t been too kind to the right jolly old elf. And this week’s movie is no exception to that. Let me introduce you to the 1964 masterpiece known as Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Well, with a title like that, how can you go wrong? Right? This is a nice family film for the holidays so you and the whole family can cuddle up on the couch next to the fire, load up your favorite streaming service, and enjoy this Christmas classic. Our Christmas gift to you are a list of some important details that you might miss. Season’s Greetings!
Streaming on: Netflix and Hulu+
Directed by: Nicholas Webster
Starring: Leila Martin, Charles Renn, James Cahill, John Call
Tagline: Santa Brings Christmas Fun to Mars.
Resused Halloween costumes: 5
Martian kids are acting depressed and all they want to do is watch the Earth shows on the video box. They even have to use sleeping dust to fall asleep…someone please help them. In an attempt to let their kids be kids, Martian leader Kimar, decides that the solution is to kidnap Santa Claus and bring him back to Mars so that he can spread happiness to Martian kids everywhere. Kimar and his henchmen run into two children, Billy and Betty, and take them as collateral damage in the kidnapping. With the help of the very scary Trog the robot, the Martians take Santa hostage and return to Mars. While on Mars, Santa agrees to spread his cheer to their kids and is opposed by Kimar’s, evil minded second-in-command, Voldar.
What you might miss:
- Remember the days when the movie credits were actually at the beginning of the movie?
- Wonder why this song wasn’t an instant Christmas classic?
- Brrrr…must be cold in front of that Sears photo backdrop.
- XBox Kinect and iDevices have nothing on those fine, fine toys.
- Enter stage right…love the image of Saturn on the background.
- Would someone please get that old man a lozenge?
- Nerf gun satellite dish for the win!
- Killer soundtrack during stock footage airplane montage.
- The aliens made it Earth just fine, so why are they asking for directions now?
- Come on kids, didn’t your mother ever tell you not to talk to strangers…especially green ones in tight clothes and antennae.
- Is that really two pieces of cheddar cheese under that blinking light?
- That space ship suddenly got a whole lot smaller when it landed. Must be that damn North Pole pressure.
- If you’re so cold Betty, I’m not so sure sitting on a block of ice in a short dress is going to help.
- Ahhhh…dear god, someone help those poor children, it the world’s scariest polar bear. With movement like a crawling human, fur like a cheap Halloween costume, growls like a jaguar, how can those kids not be scared to death.
- Watch out for the silver refrigerator box with the bucket head. I think Betty just crapped her pants.
- Whoa! Hey there Billy you better watch your mouth young man. Is calling an alien a martian the same as calling a black man the “N” word?
- Best use of toilet plungers I think I’ve ever seen.
- More stock footage please.
- Oh Santa and his funny jokes. Made the alien Zack Galifianakis laugh. He might need some new material around the kids though.
- Martians aren’t very good fighters. I think Voldor’s antennae got bent.
- I think that is probably the creepiest laugh of any Santa Claus I’ve ever heard. Even creepier are Bomar’s donkey teeth.
- Is that a pillow in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
- The Three Stooges on Mars with some of the fanciest tools ever.
- Hold a martian at gunpoint and he does a pirouette.
- Another intense martian fight scene. BAM! POW! SLAM!
- Secret to taking out martians is toys, confetti, bubbles, and horrible background music.
Quotes to bring you Christmas joy:
“S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S…Hooray for Santy Claus!”
“I forgot how to sleep, so I was just practicing.”
“Kidnap the Sandy Claws, tie him up real tight; throw away the key and then just turn out the lights.” – oops, wrong movie
“Are you a television set?”
“Golly!” yeah kids just don’t say that anymore.
“You won’t get away with this you…you…you martian!”
“By the great dark star, Santa’s treating him like a toy!”
“What’s round and soft and you put on a stick and you toast on a fire, and it’s green? A martianmellow!”
“Ahh…Balderdash and a fiddle-dee-dee.”
“Merry Christmas, Dropo Claus is here!”
“Hang up that Mistletoe, soon you’ll hear Ho! Ho! Ho! – On Christmas day you’ll wake up and you’ll say- Hooray for Santy Claus. Hooray for Santy Claus!”
Throughout this movie, I couldn’t help but think that this movie was an elementary school Christmas play. The sets, costumes, and acting would be about the same quality, and like the movie, the best acting would be done by the kids. This movie is just too easy to make fun of, and I have not passed up any opportunities to do so. With that said, I did somewhat enjoy the film. Not that it was any good, but it made me laugh and I can totally see a family enjoying this movie together. Anything that can bring a family together and entertain them has some respect in my book. Okay, enough sweet things to say, I’m giving this movie 3 turds out of 5 due to their crappy sets, costumes, and terrible acting adults. Ahhh…Merry Christmas!