Introducing: Bloody Birthday (1981)

This week marks a large milestone for our little piece of heaven on the web we have here. This week, we turn one year old! A whole year and my how we’ve grown. Unfortunately, haven’t matured a whole heck of a lot and our taste in movies hasn’t gotten any better either. So to celebrate our impending first birthday, I’ve decided to watch a classic piece of masterful cinema about a birthday, the film, Bloody Birthday. I mean what better way to celebrate your birthday with a cheesy movie about killer kids? How can one go wrong with that surefire premise. Right? If one wanted to spend about 83 minutes of mindless movie watching, this one just might take the cake (pun intended). To help, we’ve listed the most important things to take away from the film.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Ed Hunt

Starring: Lori Lethin, Melina Cordell, Billy Jacoby, Andy Freeman, Elizabeth Hoy, K.C. Martel

Rated: R

Tagline: The Nightmare Begins with the Kids Next Door

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 0% Critics – 41% Audience

Number of

Plot: Three children are born during a solar eclipse and have their blood lust seemingly awakened ten years later. They begin to leave a bloody trail of friends and family in their small community. It’s a classmate and neighbor kid who seems suspicious of them and along with his older sister, try their best to stop the three little heathens.

Things you won’t want to miss:

• No budget wasted on the opening credits that’s for sure – plain white lettering on black with a creepy piano playing in the background.
• It’s a boy, it’s girl, and it’s a boy! With a birth, shouldn’t dilation be getting bigger?  Oops, nevermind it’s a lunar eclipse.
• Boobs!
• Ohhh baby, loving the pink ribbon tied around the neck. What a hottie!
• Ah, remember the good old days of school? When children sat quietly in rows and police officers could come and interrogate them about the local murder?
• Boobs!
• Careful little fellas, you’re liable to make another hole on that wall a little lower.
• Dancing sister really likes the color red (bra – when she’s wearing it, panties, pants, and halter top)
• For a ten year old boy, that is sixty cents well spent.
• Little Steven is trying to show off for his girlfriend by having batting practice with her dad’s head. How romantic.
• Hide and Seek is a lot of fun until someone gets locked in a refrigerator. Thankfully for Timmy he’s a young MacGyver.
• Even at ten years old, girls are already crazy about scrapbooking.
• You can tell it’s the early 80’s when teachers are more concerned about being snuck upon than having a gun pointed at their face.
• Sometimes paper towels can’t decide if they want to be on the floor or not.
• Play Doctor? Sounds like little Debbie has a secret crush on Timmy, the little rascal.
• First a dead teacher falls on you and then a random car tries to run her over in a junkyard. Poor Joyce is not having a very good day.
• Who knew Saturn was so important to the morals and virtues of mankind.
• Important Note to Parents #1: Plastering posters of Deborah Henry and Erik Estrada on the bedroom walls will make your teens horny.
• Boobs, butt, and BANG!
• Did the clown steal the “I CAN’T SAY NO” t-shirt from the red bra and panties sister?
• Damn it, that cake looked good too.
• Be careful with that arrow, you’ll shoot your eye out!
• Apparently Nugget the dog needs another eye as well.
• Now Steven, we all saw you take a glance over at the camera (1:12:13)
• Kind of hard to strangle someone when their boob gets in the way.
• Nice shot, right through Eddie Van Halen’s head!
• Most creative way of stopping a killer, dump a smelly fish bowl over his head.
• After shooting thirteen bullets, that six-shooter should be empty.

Killer Quotes:

“You wanna play ambulance?”

“That bell does not mean that you are dismissed, it is a signal only for me to dismiss you.”

“Honestly Beverly, he’s got a mind like an X-Rated soap opera.” (Is there such a thing?)

“But what if she catches us?” – “No way. Her brains are in her bra.”

“You wanna play doctor?”

“Watch what you’re saying, he’s never told a lie in his life.” (Well then, just your typical 10 year old I guess.)

“Don’t worry mommy, from now on I’m going to be a good little girl.”

THE FINAL WORD:

If I could sum this film up in one word it would be…creepy. Creepy because of the premise of the film and creepy because unfortunately, there could be some kids today that have the same thoughts as the three young serial killers in the movie. This is definitely a movie that would not have been made today due to the content and the current state of our nation. One could also argue that creepy would also describe the trio of young actors at the center of the film. They were actually pretty good. In fact, the best acted part of the whole film was the child actors. Billy Jacoby played the sadistic, evil, and smart, Curtis, particularly well and has a psychotic look in his eye. One scene in particular that made me appreciate a couple of other child actors was one in which two of them were sitting on their porch discussing the murder of a friend. The hurt in their eyes looked genuine. The adults in the film were just there as fluff and to give them someone to kill. As a whole, the film is morbidly entertaining. The dialogue is nothing spectacular and the script has about as much disregard for the plot as the child killers did for their victims. The music was a hacked up mixture of Jaws and Friday the 13th but not distracting. If that isn’t enough, then have fun seeing the clothes, household furniture and surroundings, and other items that were reminiscent of the early 80’s. Call it generosity due to our own birthday or a macabre personality, but I actually had some fun with this movie. A lot of similarities to another film we watched earlier called The Children. The movie gets 1.5 turds and I suggest that others give it a chance.

Introducing: Super Capers (2009)

It’s not very often that I get really excited about seeing a movie in the theater – The Dark Knight Rising was high on my MUST SEE movies at the theater. This weekend, another just as anticipated movie is set to hit cinemas – Man of Steel. And boy am I excited. I was threatened by my girlfriend not to go see it without her, so in the meantime, I need something to get my Superhero fix. I turned to my old faithful Netflix subscription service to provide what I was looking for. Now, I could have easily chosen some of the proven winners such as Thor, Captain America, or Iron Man 2, but that would be too good just in case my anticipation of the new Superman film didn’t live up to my expectations. No, I decided to look for something that was bad so that I would not be underwhelmed by Zack Snyder’s latest film. And low and behold, I found a potential turd in the movie Super Capers.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Ray Griggs

Starring: Justin Whalin, Michael Rooker, Clint Howard, “Tiny” Lister, Adam West

Rated: PG

Tagline: Fighting evil has never been funnier!

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 0% – Ouch!

Number of  bad movie references to Great movies: 10 (And possibly more that I missed when I dosed off.)

Plot: Ed Grubberman wants desperately to become a superhero. So much so that he dons his own handmade cape and tries to fight crime out on the streets. As a result of being sued by one of the criminals he fights against, he is assigned by the local judge, to join a team of caped misfits who live in a halfway house for Superheroes. Ed gets himself in the middle of a criminal plot by the judge, who is a former superhero himself, and is framed for the theft of several gold buillion (bars). Through the powers of time travel and apparently stupidity, the team foils the plans of the criminal mastermind and uncover his secret plot.

If it sounds stupid, trust me, it is.

Important things to take away from this movie:

• Superhero movies just aren’t the same without that distinct flipping red Marvel rectangle or the folding DC logo.
• First indication that I’ve stumbled upon a bad move – Clint Howard.
• Corny cartoon sound effects are going to make for a long movie.
• Comic panel opening credit sequence that thinKs it’s extremely funny.
• Being Merle has made Michael Rooker so much cooler!
• Who knew this movie was going to be half live-action and half MAD magazine?
• Good to see Adam West still getting some use out of the old Batmobile.
• Where can I get me a Schwarzenagger robot?
• Inflatable chairs beware with Puffer Boy around.
• Cool looking Minotaur outfit.
• A homophobic joke and a Christian joke both within a minute of each other.
• Superheroes need to be careful when doing their own laundry so that their tights don’t shrink.
• Wow, that was probably the worst Shatner impression I think I’ve ever seen.
• Mannequins make pretty good speed bumps and they make squishing sounds.
• Robot pick up lines sometimes go unanswered.
• New white suit turns Grubberman into a pussy…cat.
• FBI or Men in Black? YEAH!!
• Dark Winged Vesper looks like a cross between Adam West’s Batman and Dracula.
• Will Powers plays Wack-A-Mole with Red. Don’t call him old.
• Why does a Superhero spoof keep referring to a science fiction movie?
• It looks like Michael Rooker is about to walk off the set at the stupid “Return of the Jedi” scene. – “This is ridiculous!” Hell I’d leave too.
• If you hit pause you might actually be able to tell that Arnie robot has a face.
• Cue god awful Back to the Future sound alike music. Alan Silvestri must be throwing up.
• Morbidly bad Marlon Brando impersonation
• Don’t we all need an “In case You’re Screwed” button?
• OMG! The Greatest American Hero theme! Easily the best way to end a terrible movie.
• What the Hell? Need a good Chili Pie recipe? Watch the credits.

Super Sayings and Dynamic Dialogue:

“I’m going to send you to a Superhero halfway house.”

“I was Manbat, would you like an autograph?”

“How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should be open when she brings it.”

“SuperCapers, let’s rock!”

“I’m making a sound effect. No superhero can use his powers without a good sound effect in the background.”

“Do you always talk to yourself?” – “Ah crap, that was supposed to me my inside voice.”

“Great horny toads, it needs some adjusting.”

THE FINAL WORD:

Now, there are several movies that I loved growing up as a child and even those that I would say have had a big impact on my movie watching experiences and my in some way my childhood growing up. CRASH! I however do not feel the need to make a crappy movie  and shove in corny and out of place references to these films to show my appreciation for them. That’s what this film has done. With references to respectable movies such as Star Wars, Back to the Future, James Bond, Star Trek, and others, SuperCapers ends up a jumbled and very unfunny superhero spoof that looks more like director Ray Griggs is making fun of the movies that influenced him rather than paying homage to them. Z ING! Why is it, the movies that are purposely trying to be funny end up being some of the dumbest? The actors try to make the dialogue sound funny and do a pretty good job with what they have been forced to work with. WHACK! And what spoof wouldn’t be complete without the occasional cameo from former Hollywood stars (Adam West, Clint Howard, June Lockhart) I use the term “stars” loosely of course. ZAP! Griggs even gives himself a role in the film.  HONK!  He should stick to directing, at least the direction of the film was done too terribly bad. But, I plead to all filmmakers out there who are wanting to make a film that is family friendly and supposedly funny. Please, please, please, for all that is good in the world, stop adding the cartoon sound effects to every little action. BOING! SPROING! THUD!!  In describing this film, I’ll use one of the favorite sayings of hero Ed Grubberman, “Crap”. I’m giving this superhero spoof 3.5 out of 5 turds.  SPLAT!

UPDATE!!!

“Man of Steel” kicks ass by the way.

Introducing: Rodentz (2001)

Summer vacation is here. This gives me some time to relax by playing golf, reading some good books, and loading up my streaming services with movies to watch. Luckily, or unfortunate, however the case may be, I came upon the film Rodentz as the first flick that popped up in the “New Arrivals”  section of Netflix. I didn’t feel like doing much searching so I just settled for the first thing I saw. Besides, anytime you replace an “s” with a “z” in the movie’s title, you know you’re in for a real ztinker!

AKA: Altered Species

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Serge Rodnunsky or Miles Feldman???

Starring: Allen Lee Haff, Guy Vieg, Robert Broughton, Leah Rowan

Rated: R

Tagline: They thought their experiments would change mankind…they were wrong!

Rotten Tomatoes Score: No Reviews Yet (0%)

Number of minutes spent looking for a condom: 5

In searching for a cure for cancer, a scientist pours some defective serum down the drain which festers through the sewer pipes right onto the path of a colony of rats. His assistant is able to inject a rat specimen with the serum that has an adverse affect on the rat making it grow to enormous proportions. All the while, the now “infected” rats have turned aggressive thanks to the serum in the drain and turn their anger onto any poor unsuspecting humans (and cat) that happens to visit the laboratory. As convenience would have it, enter five drunk college students looking for their friend, the scientist’s assistant, and a party. What they find however, is a lab infested with serum enhanced rats that have a blood lust for jingly things and human flesh.

Things to Watch for:

• Rat infested title sequence
• Every laboratory filled with caged mice must have at least one cat (I’m guessing it doesn’t end well for the cat)
• The amount of green mixture poured down a sink increases in capacity from a cup to at least a half gallon.
• CGI rat with animatronic motions is nothing to mess with.
• When the rat sees red, the fur starts to fly…and the blood.
• Haven’t people learned by now that it’s not safe to drink the Kool-Aid.
• Can they make the rats look any cuter?
• Night custodians are always so bored and lonely that they have to talk to themselves.
• Rats grow considerable larger when attacking a human body.
• Haunted lab strip poker may not be as fun as it sounds.
• I may be crazy, but I think the jug of communal Kool-Aid just refilled itself.
• Oh, those cute lab rats, they grow up so fast.
• What’s the matter doc, rat got your eye?
• Bad dub over, not in sync with blonde girl’s drunk mouth – “Yes of course”
• Brenda is just hungry enough to eat through her cage.
• Did you know that rats “howl” at the moon?
• Boobs!!
• Really bad voice over dubbing again
• Huh? WHAT DID YOU SAY? SPEAK UP, WE CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE AWFUL SOUNDTRACK!
• Running from rats must be a good way to lose weight. Pink girl’s pants keep sliding farther and farther down.
• It’s tough work finding a condom in the bottomless glove compartment.
• Frank is going to be pissed that a large rat got to eat out his girlfriend before he did.
• Okay I can’t be the only one thinking of these watching those rats come around the corner of the building.
• I don’t suppose anyone can explain how the lights came back on again.
• Rats jump out of their cages like Star Trek tribbles.
• PETA members may want to close their eyes at the 1 hr 3 minute mark. There may be a spot in the NFL for Walter. Laces out Dan!
• SAFETY TIP: Hey kids! Using one’s teeth on electrical wires is an amazingly stupid and unsafe idea. Don’t try that at home.
• Since when do electrical boxes run off of 6-Volt batteries duct taped together? Someone got the electrician’s special on that deal.
• I’ve seen a person in a Godzilla suit, a person in a Sasquatch suit, but this might just be the first person in a rat suit I’ve ever seen. And probably the worst suit in movies…ever!
• Gary, didn’t your mother tell you, never shake hands with a rat bigger than you!
• Anyone in the mood for fried rat?
• How many times is that van going to blow up?
• Well sure as hell not going to sit through the “spider” version. No thanks.

Dandy Dialogue:

“Ain’t got the bosom, but I got the whiskey.”

“Spunk? Spunk?”

“You wouldn’t be talking like that if you had a tumor.” – “He already does…it’s in his shorts.”

“Walter, take a chill pill. We’re here to save you from yourself.”

“I’m sorry, you were completely innocent, in bed with another chick, naked.”

FINAL WORD:

While animal attack movies have been around for some time, this just might be the worst of them all. The movie was so bad, the director has to go by an alias (Serge Rodnunsky a.k.a. Miles Feldman) The plot is so ridiculous and contrived – drunk teens go to a laboratory to party that is infested with rats. The story itself takes forever to get into. After watching for thirty boring minutes, I paused the film only to find that there was still another hour left to go! Most B-Movies know that they are going to be bad, but this film crew must have thought that they had a blockbuster hit on their hands. There was not the usual tongue-in-cheek approach that many B-Movies tend to take, but instead, decided to take itself too serious. Way too serious! I have some questions in mind that bothered me about the film, but I’ll keep them to myself because giving them mcuh more thought means that I had put more thinking into the film than the filmmakers themselves did.

Most of the characters serve no purpose at all, other than to be rat food by the end. All the character stereotypes are here, but very thinly built and very one-dimensional. There’s the slut, jock, chicken, rebel, prude, and nerd. Sad thing, the characters could be easily interchanged among the actors and no one would notice. The acting is just plain bad. Hell, I’d give more props to the rats. Bottom line, pass on this movie. You’ll get much more enjoyment, and less pain, setting mousetraps to different parts of your own body. This film gets four rat turds out of the dreaded five.

Introducing: The Thing with Two Heads (1972)

It was upon one evening after a three-mile run that I sat on the couch and was scrolling through the Netflix “New Releases” that I saw the cover art for a film that made me laugh uncontrollably and out loud. It was the outrageous cover art to the film “The Thing with Two Heads” and on it depicts a picture of a person with two heads, one white and one black, riding on a motorcycle looking like it was out of control. That, and the unforgettable tagline (They transplanted a white bigot’s head onto a soul brother’s body) definitely had my interest. The idea of such a premise was so ridiculous, in an instant, I knew, that I had to watch this film. I was ready for some good ol’ early 70’s exploitation entertainment.  Fortunately, the laughs did not stop at only the cover art once I hit the play button. Unfortunately, however, all logic went out the window and the cheese started to ooze out of the film as soon as the opening credits began.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Lee Frost

Starring: Ray Miland, Rosey Grier, Chelsey Brown, Don Marshall

Rated: PG

Tagline: They transplanted a white bigot’s head on a soul brother’s body!

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 0%

Number of times the term black bastard is used: 4

Dr. Kirschner is an accomplished transplant surgeon, and bigot, has successfully performed the transplant of a head onto another live body to keep the latter alive. His experiment has been proven successful with the creation of a two-headed gorilla. When Kirschner learns that he has been stricken with an inoperable cancer, he demands that his assistant, Dr. Desmond to find him a body and perform the transplant to prolong his life. The “donor” comes in the form of a convicted murderer on death row, Jack Moss, who also happens to be a large black man. With time running out for Dr. Kirschner, the transplant is made on Jack. When they both come to and Jack realizes what has happened, he uses the opportunity to escape and find a way to clear his name , not to mention rid himself of the extra head he’s acquired. As the police set chase, hilarity and stupidity take over in a bumbling game of cat and two-headed mouse.

Things you won’t want to miss:

• First time you’ll ever see the title of a movie grow a head; and with interesting “boner” sound.
• Two, two, two gorillas in one!
• I feel sorry for any child that these doctors give a shot to.
• Clean up on aisle five!
• Colored toilet paper and Tab? Definitely the 70s.  Whatever happened to that colored toilet paper anyway? Answer
• How many bananas can one ape shovel into its second lifeless mouth anyway?
• Rejection specialist? Poor doctors only makes $500 per week, how much rejection can one person handle?
• Exits to hospital surgical rooms lead to complete and total darkness.
• Terminal chest cancer is a pretty broad diagnosis, but inoperable all the same.
• Poor gorilla lost his head over this whole scientific experiment.
• Any volunteers to give your body and your life up for the purposes of science?
• Opening and closing the basement windows tends to make the walls shake.
• Bulldog clamp, mosquito clamp, gorilla clamp, nipple clamp
• Wait, I thought the whole success of the transplant was depended on the spinal column.
• Hey Doc, got head?
• One would think that goatee would be a bit scratchy.
• You’re late for the injection nurse, now Shoo bitch, shoo.
• Thus begins the game of: Which head is the real one?
• Jack, your jacket isn’t the most comfortable fit.
• The term “backseat driver” will never mean the same again.
• The scenes with both live heads must be the most uncomfortable contraption for both actors.
• And the escapees pull “a-head” of the pack. If they end up winning…
• Two guys on the phone while 50+people eavesdrop.
• It’s clear that policemen find it impossible to avoid random ravines in an open field.
• Haven’t we seen those crashes before?
• It’s evident that more of the film’s budget was spent on destroying police vehicles than on any special effect work whatsoever.
• Oh come on, just give him a kiss. Don’t mind the extra head attached to his shoulders.
• Hey Doc, you might want to look at the size of the body your sharing before you do any racial stereotyping. Now shut up and eat your soul food.
• Rosie Grier should be given credit for his coordination and balance while his eyes are closed. Pretty impressive.
• Oh my, this soundtrack is absolutely terrible.
• Removal of a spare head seems to be simple outpatient surgery.

Quotable Quotes:

“Hey doc, is this going to hurt?”

“Cut down the dosage of Barbital to the black head.”

“You soul brother, you got a car?”

“I’ve committed political suicide and you say, “It’s not as bad as it sounds.”

“Jack, you get into more shit.”

“What’s a matter baby, don’t dig soul food?” – “What do you got for dessert, watermelon?”

“Phillip, get me another body, please.”

The Final Word:

Two heads aren’t always better than one, especially in this case. However, the interaction and constant bickering between the two heads is quite enjoyable to watch. Rosie Grier wasn’t the best actor, but you could tell that he was at least having fun with the role he was given despite having a grumpy old white guy strapped to his back at various times throughout the movie. He’s by far not great,  but has a bit of charm and although being a convicted felon on the run from the police, one almost considers him the hero that has had this horrible tragedy thrust upon him. Ray Milland plays the bigoted old doctor well and actually had some of the funnier lines in the film. The two actors play really well off of one another. The filmmakers carefully walk the line making the underlying theme of racism stand out without making it do so offensively. The special effects aren’t the greatest and are quite cheesy. Throughout the film, the “monster” switches from a person with an obviously fake head bobbing on it’s shoulder, to two men forced together by what must have been a very uncomfortable contraption. The transplant scene itself is quite laughable too. By far the best scene in the film however, is the police chase through the countryside while on a motorcycle. The dim-wittedness and stupidity of the police force reminded me of a whole squadron of Rosco P. Coltrane type of officers. Their driving skills left a little to be desired. The dinner scene with Moss and his girlfriend is quite humorous as well. While the plot is obviously contrived and doesn’t live up to it’s full potential, the actors themselves are enough to make up for it. While, this corniness is not for everyone, it is rather entertaining and is definitely worth at least one viewing. Based on the entertainment value alone, and despite the cheese factor, I am giving this film four out of five turds.

Introducing: Bikini Spring Break (2012)*

*WARNING – THIS POST IS DEFINITELY FOR MATURE READERS.

During my college years, my roommates and I looked forward to what we considered the most entertaining time of the year. No, it wasn’t the NCAA basketball tournament, although that was and still is a priority. It was the one time all year that we could just get a little wild and step away from our regular routines of school and work. When everyone had a beer in their hand and fun on their minds, when every guy who was a douchebag could get away with being a douchebag, when good looking girls would do naughty things that they would later have to apologize about, when a bunch of horned up young adults would do whatever they could for the sake of fun and the hopes of getting laid.  I’m talking of course about the week of Spring Break! Oh, those memories of trips to ski resorts and beach resorts with friends are some that I will never forget. Unfortunately, I had to grow up and now Spring Break is just another week in the year, and my girlfriend and I’s idea of a good time is going out to eat at a fancy restaurant and watching a movie on the couch before having to go back to work the next day. This year, the world of streaming video introduced us to the film “Bikini Spring Break” from The Asylum studio. Now if that alone doesn’t tell you, “BAD MOVIE ALERT!!”, than I don’t know what does.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Jared Cohn

Starring: Rachel Alig, Robert Carradine, Virginia Petrucci, Erica Drake

Rated: R

Tagline: Sweet small town girls, until…

Number of gratuitous breast shots: 32, but hey, who’s counting?

A junior college marching band gets invited to participate at Nationals in Florida, but only after accidentally exposing themselves on the big screen at their football game, which doesn’t make since knowing that football is played in the fall and Spring Break is in the spring. Anyway…on their way to Florida, the marching band bus breaks down and the five girls have to find a way to raise enough money to themselves to the competition. Of course, beings that it is Spring Break time, they are immersed coincidentally in an environment of strip clubs, jello wrestling, and wet t-shirt contests that make the opportunity for money making possible.

What you will see:

• Boobs! and only six seconds in.
• Give a stupid girl a video camera in a locker room full of women in various states of undress and you don’t expect something to happen?
• Short bus turning into a long bus, back into a short bus again.
• Dumb girl strikes again. Regular gas in a diesel tank, duh everyone knows that about buses. Don’t they?
• How convenient is it that the first place open to take a group of college girls is a strip club?
• Dance club montage! And more boobs!
• Robert Carradine is doing a mighty, mighty fine job of bad acting.
• Hmmmm…I wonder where those ladies are going to get $2000 only using their body parts and organs? Bet it’s not selling their kidneys.
• How different would the car washing scene be if they were washing the headlights?
• Cue the bad CG fire please.
• Bumblebee chick from car wash doubles as a Spring Break party goer.
• Anyone else hungry for green jello? Oh wait, it’s not for eating?
• Stiffler look-a-like and Joey Lawrence clone just happen to be the hosts of every party during Spring Break.
• I’m guessing it was a four-way tie for the wet t-shirt contest.
• Does Florida even have mountain areas?
• Anyone else hear a horrendously bad soundtrack playing in the background throughout the whole movie? It even drowned out the dialogue at times; not that that is a bad thing.
• Riding a bull topless apparently helps a feisty red-head stay on for a record time. But officer, she was riding so fast that her top just came flying off, it’s was the bull’s fault.
• The group must be stranded in a one cop town. He seems to be everywhere.
• CG rain storms are a perfectly good reason to freak out hysterically.
• Yeah for plastic trophies!!

Damn Bad Dialogue:

“Scholarships? You can get those here?”

“Ok, it’s too bad. Quief you later.”

“See that over there? This town is full of slutty sluttermans and their smutty slutfulness…”

“I am the Jello Queen, bitch!”

“I’m not baring my breasts to a bunch of perverts.”

“Craig is a pole-smoking butt pirate.”

“We’re not freaks, we’re the marching band.”

“My tits are all over the internet.”

The Final Word:

The Asylum is always best known for the no budget knockoffs of big budget movies, hoping to capitalize on some of those film’s popularity. While Bikini Spring Break isn’t a knockoff of a big budget  blockbuster but it was a throw back to the early 80’s and 90’s teen sex comedies. The film’s budget was clearly it’s biggest obstacle to overcome. Some bad editing didn’t do much to save the film either. In one particular scene, the band  has to travel to Florida via a “short bus”, but as they travel there are shots of a regular sized bus that not only changes in size, but also design and even color. The film also falls victim to a strange sense of distance. All the characters seemed to appear conveniently in places together even though they seemed to go in opposite directions. The film follows the five band members, the fact that they are band members means nothing really, but they are quick to lose their tops and playfully bounce up and down in a fit of giggles and squeals. Each of the girls has their own personality even if it involves the Spring Break banning prude; all of which were quite lovely in their own right. The acting isn’t too bad considering the dialogue that they were given. In fact, the most annoying characters were the Stiffler-type character and Robert Carradine’s character, Coach Gill. Bikini Spring Break didn’t have much to offer as a story and considering that it came from The Asylum, my expectations weren’t too high for this film. Maybe that’s why it didn’t really disappoint me to much, well, that and the fact that there wasn’t more than twenty minutes that passed before a pair of breasts came bouncing back onto the screen. Boobs aside, dare I say that this film was somewhat entertaining. So, in honor of the numerous pairs of breasts appearing in the film, I’m giving this film a pair of turds.

Introducing: Grim (1995)

Who doesn’t like a good monster movie every once in a while. It had been a while since I sat  down to a monster flick  that wasn’t a traditional zombie or ghost. While searching through the steaming library of Netflix, I ran upon a film what had the most interesting looking monster as it’s cover art. I noticed that it had a one star rating on Netflix and when searching for it in Rotten Tomatoes, it didn’t even have a rating from critics and only a 10% audience rating. With rating like those, that makes for an awful monster movie. So, I thought what the heck,what have I got to lose.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Paul Matthews

Starring: Emmanuel Xuereb (good luck pronouncing that one), Jack Chancer, David Kennedy, Tres Hanley

Rated: R

Tagline: This ain’t no fairytale

A group of spelunkers visit an old abandoned underground mine to see why there are cracks in the foundations of area homes. During their investigations of the mines, the visitors come in contact with a gigantic monster that seems to have been conjured up by a couple of the visitors during a seance at their home. The monster plays with and feeds on unsuspecting humans and keeps them locked up in cages. The monster has the ability to possess the minds of those that come in contact with it and has the uncanny propensity of walking through walls. One of the adventurers, Steve, mysteriously had a medallion that supposedly hurts the monster and he offers up his girlfriend as a sacrifice to the monster, known as Grim. During the attemptedsacrifice, the two “experts” of the group, find a way to destroy Grim by using light. This knowledge leads them to a plan that will hopefully stop the monster and get themselves out of the catacombs alive.

What you won’t want to miss:

• Using a Ouija board to conjure up a monster or spirit means that the writers don’t want to explain where the monster comes from. Troupe alert!!
• King Kong coming through the floor always brings an end to a séance
• All the boys things she’s a spy, she’s got, Betty Davis eyes
• Having problems with cracks in your foundation, join an amateur spelunking expedition. Hop they signed a liability waiver.
• Music sounds like it came from a bargain bin 99 cent Halloween music CD.
• Those exploding styrofoam walls sure make for great effects.
• Watch out for the badly animated bats.
• Red infrared sight is not the best for seeing in dark spaces.
• Cue the upset female overacting.
• Hey, even a monster has to kick back in the recliner too. It’s tough work…killing and eating people.
• Hey Trish, nice of you to drop in.
• Grim looks like nothing more than a person in a World of Warcraft orc suit.
• I don’t suppose anyone has an explanation for the torches that are already lit. If there is no airflow, how can they stay lit?
• And are those human sized cages on sale at just any hardware store or just those visited by man-eating trolls?
• With teeth like those, why would a monster need a meat cleaver?
• If you witnessed the butchering and beheading of people, you’d be  bat shit crazy too. “Here birdie, birdie.”
• Skulls crack like ceramic masks.
• Sunlight and bad special effects make a monster turn to stone.

Depressing Dialogue:

“Honey, what’s that disgusting smell?”

“This is spooky.” – “Oh come on, we did worse things when we were kids on Halloween.” – Giggle Giggle Giggle

“Sara, Sara, where’s my masccara Sara?”

“If anything happens, run like hell. Do you understand? Run like hell.

The Final Word:

Comments from people at IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes have crapped all over his film and going so far as to say that Grim is one of the worst movies ever made. This movie does indeed have it’s faults, but I don’t know that I would go quite that far, have any of these people not seen Mutant Hunt or Birdemic for that matter. Now, don’t get me wrong, this movie is nowhere near good. The acting is pretty bad and the soundtrack is just atrocious. The monster is somewhat interesting looking and the design probably would have been put to better use in another plot. And speaking of the plot, well, there wasn’t much of one. The story had several plot holes that were very distracting and disjointed. Where did the monster come from? Why does it choose to attack certain people? I could go in to more detail, but why should I, the movie itself didn’t. I’m giving this movie 4 turds, but only because it’s lucky that I’ve seen worse movies than Grim.

Introducing: The Norseman (1978)

This past week, I’ve been seeing different previews and advertisements online for a new upcoming series on The History Channel simply called Vikings. While it looks to me like their attempt to capitalize on the Game of Thrones fame, I looks intriguing to me. Since I don’t have cable, I’ll have to get a feel for Vikings by looking through my streaming resources. Low and behold, as if it were a sign from the movie gods, when I loaded up Netflix, nestled in the Just Added section was a movie called The Norseman. And when I saw that it starred Lee Majors, I knew I was on to something truly cheese-tastic.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Charles B. Pierce

Starring: Lee Majors, Cornel Wilde, Mel Ferrer, Susie Coelho

Rated: PG

Tagline: None

In 1006, a Viking prince sails to America to rescue his father who is being held captive by some vicious native Americans. At the turn of the 11th Century, Lee Majors is  Thorvald, a Viking from the land of the Norse, accompanied by his younger brother, a hunchbacked wizard, and a peanut gallery full of horn-helmeted vikings. Upon reaching the main land the group is attacked by Indians and their troubles begin. A young Indian girl befriends Thorvald and leads them to the location of their lost Viking family members who are suffering from bouts of torture and abuse at the hands of the Indians. This ignites yet another and final Viking vs Indian fight scene.

Notices and Wonders:

• Summary of scrolling text at the beginning, the Vikings are coming to the Americas.
• Row! Row! Row!
• Hey, could somebody please turn down the orchestra? We can’t hear the narration.
• Not very often the narrator gets created in a film.
• One little, two little, three little indians. Their arrows strike hard and true, but they apparently aim for the ass.
• Thorvald (Lee Majors) must look the farthest thing from a Viking, what with his Kentucky accent, porno stache, Zorro mask, and Roman Gladiator armor.
• Bad wigs all around for the blind guys.
• Big round pillows are awfully hard to grind corn with.
• In between Gandalf and Dumbledore, there was King Eurich.
• Indian and Viking love triangles never end well.
• Slow motion fighting isn’t good with cheaply made props. Shields shouldn’t bend like cardboard. And that is some bright red paint at the end of those swords.
• Hey buddy, if you’re going to throw your axe, don’t come up short.
• The inside of that boat seems to be at least double the size of the outside.
• The old Indian woman bears a striking resemblance to Mama Fratelli from Goonies.
• Be careful with that hot poker, you might actually burn someone. Especially if you actually touched them with it.
• Blind Vikings walk like zombies and are strong enough to kill two fat Indians.
• Viking armor must be made of aluminum cans if a single arrow can penetrate it.
• Two more fat Indians down. What had these guys been eating? They’ve got Viking grog bellies.
• Can you spot the hairy chested Indians?
• Dragging blind men along on a pike shouldn’t slow you down, their asses need to keep up.
• Epic Thorvald the Viking Baywatch moment!!
• More slo-mo indian killing.
• Wizards’s falcon for the win
• Thanks city of Newburn, North Carolina for furnishing the Viking boat. Funny.

Quotable Quotes:

“Spin your spell wizard.”

“It written that this new land, will be called Vineland.”

“As Odin has been my strength, you will be my eyes.”

“Let it be written that the name Olaf shall live on in the land of the Norse.”

The Final Word:

Let it be written that the movie, The Norseman, is…cheesy. The film classified as an action/adventure flick, but even that would be a stretch. The fight scenes themselves were quite humorous and looked like a fight that one would see during a play being performed at any local high school. Every punch, kick, stabbing, clubbing, and knife swing, noticeably missed their mark and this was highlighted by the slow-motion battle scenes. The characters fall victims to unfortunate stereotypes; the Vikings were stupid and looked as much with their horned helmets and silly six pack formed armor; the Indians with their brightly colored face paint and the constant whooping and hollering all through out their attacks. Stereotypes aside, the dialogue spoken by anyone was more barbaric than the Vikings themselves. I was humored by the appearance of football star Deacon Jones as the only black Viking – was there even such a thing in history? Probably the worst of all the acting came from the star itself, Lee Majors. He seemed as though he was half asleep and bored throughout the whole film. I’m guessing that many people may actually like this flick and I am sounding a little harsher than I should be because as bad as it seemed, the film was slightly entertaining. I give this movie 3 turds out of 5. While it was somewhat enjoyable, The Norseman would have been more fun to watch with a larger group of people.

Introducing: The Falling (1987)

Spaceships crashing from space inhabited by aliens who escape and feed off of the beings on Earth! Yes please! Sounds like a fun premise for a science fiction flick. At least those were my initial thoughts, before actually seeing this movie. I wasn’t expecting anything great, and I was not disappointed or lead astray. Your best bet as you load up this sci-fi/horror movie would be to refer to the notes below, as I’ve hit on the most important parts of that you won’t want to miss.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Deran Serafian

Starring: Dennis Christopher, Lynn-Holly Johnson, J.O. Bosso (curious as to what the J.O. might stand for)

Rated: R

Tagline: Mankind’s Deadliest Threat has come from the Skies.

Number of Hamburger heads: 5 plus a cow

Synopsis: When U.S. “Skylab” comes crashing down from outer space and in doing so released alien microbes in the air and into the community of Durade, Spain. Three American teenagers who are looking for a fun trip find themselves stuck in Durade when their RV breaks down and they are left to find parts for repairs. While in town, they begin to notice peculiar behaviors from the local citizens and upon meeting a NASA scientist find out the truth about the Skylab crash. The three young people and the scientist search for the antidote to keep everyone from dying from the alien creatures who are feeding and incubating inside them.

Things you’ll want to make sure you don’t miss:

• Beware of the roaming cows
• Mmmmm…yum. Nothing like a buffet of disemboweled cow for dinner.
• Why do women always hit? Stupid girl – but really nice 80’s sweat suit.
• Well now, that’s’ one hell of a place to stop and make camp for the night
• American actors with some really bad Spanish accents. Sounded more like Borat.
• Never ever catch us up dune buggy. I feel like a king in my dune buggy.
• A little old to be playing imaginary shoot ’em up if you ask me.
• As if it wasn’t bad enough that the officers face was sliding off of his skull, you had to go and pop it like a big zit, nice work Doc.
• Must be some really hot rough sex in the kitchen, made the waitresses hair stand on end.
• Ahhh…remember when phones had rotary dials? And my what a lovely shade of green.
• Angry acting from the floozy…and scene.
• What’s with the guy in the mask? And how did she get away from him without getting squashed as well. Those old editing tricks.
• Vehicle problems, these movies always happen because of vehicle problems.
• Hello there Hamburger Face.
• So where did that damn doll come from? And are those chicken legs attached? Supernatural vibes?
• Michael must be really good at those Need for Speed games. Look at those driving skills. Must be why he’s “Hollywood’s #1 driver.
• Oh come on Michael, how can you be scared at a beam of light in your face? Especially since you’re the one holding it, idiot.
• Who would have guessed that 60 seconds would have lasted so long.
• Hooray for stock footage.
• Super exciting car chase soundtrack, complete with synth beat and horn section.
• Michael must have some pretty powerful cologne on, everyone wants to hug him.
• Dr. Tracer makes for a good road bump.
• Gas station attendant gets an unwanted alien facial.
• So that’s what the alien looks like? Finally! A giant spider with teeth.

Oscar worthy dialogue:

“I couldn’t bare the thought of leaving a hurt dog in the middle of the highway.”

“Golly gee whiz and check it out dudes, Brooklyn Dodgers, and all that stuff…”

“Did you two know that one out of every eight people are infected with Elmer Fudd disease.”

“Ow, you know we’re parked in a red zone!”

The Final Word:

This movie is not good, not good at all. The acting was pretty cheesy as it is with the typical 80’s horror flick. The film did feature some surprisingly gruesome gore and blood. The plot was pretty lame and stupid. This movie also goes by a few other titles which made it hard to find. The film is most commonly known as Alien Predator or Mutant 2.

While watching, I found that it was difficult for me to understand what exactly the real threat was. Was it the alien, was it the weird citizens, the vehicles that ran people over, was it a supernatural entity that would make things appear, disappear, and move. I never really understood what the true threat was. By the end of the movie, the alien takes center stage. It only took 85 minutes to show itself in the 90 minute film. Starting from the beginning with some Psycho horror movie style music to a  jazzy synth mix during a car chase, the soundtrack is bad. The acting was nothing to write home about while at the same time not terrible. Damon’s character was probably the best acted while the role of Sam was rather annoying, although there was something hot about watching her run through the streets in tight jeans and boots. All in all, this movie earns itself 3.5 turds out five.

Introducing: Santa Claus Conquers the Aliens (1964)

The holiday season  is our time to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, spend time with our families, make and share memories for years to come…and oh yes, wait on Christmas Eve for the arrival of Santa Claus. Everyone loves the jolly old fat man, even Hollywood. Unfortunately, Hollywood hasn’t been too kind to the right jolly old elf. And this week’s movie is no exception to that. Let me introduce you to the 1964 masterpiece known as Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Well, with a title like that, how can you go wrong? Right? This is a nice family film for the holidays so you and the whole family can cuddle up on the couch next to the fire, load up your favorite streaming service, and enjoy this Christmas classic. Our Christmas gift to you are a list of some important details that you might miss. Season’s Greetings!

Streaming on: Netflix and Hulu+

Directed by: Nicholas Webster

Starring: Leila Martin, Charles Renn, James Cahill, John Call

Tagline: Santa Brings Christmas Fun to Mars.

Rated: NR

Resused Halloween costumes: 5

Martian kids are acting depressed and all they want to do is watch the Earth shows on the video box. They even have to use sleeping dust to fall asleep…someone please help them. In an attempt to let their kids be kids, Martian leader Kimar, decides that the solution is to kidnap Santa Claus and bring him back to Mars so that he can spread happiness to Martian kids everywhere. Kimar and his henchmen run into two children, Billy and Betty, and take them as collateral damage in the kidnapping. With the help of the very scary Trog the robot, the Martians take Santa hostage and return to Mars. While on Mars, Santa agrees to spread his cheer to their kids and is opposed by Kimar’s, evil minded second-in-command, Voldar.

What you might miss:

• Remember the days when the movie credits were actually at the beginning of the movie?
• Wonder why this song wasn’t an instant Christmas classic?
• Brrrr…must be cold in front of that Sears photo backdrop.
• XBox Kinect and iDevices have nothing on those fine, fine toys.
• Enter stage right…love the image of Saturn on the background.
• Would someone please get that old man a lozenge?
• Nerf gun satellite dish for the win!
• Killer soundtrack during stock footage airplane montage.
• The aliens made it Earth just fine, so why are they asking for directions now?
• Come on kids, didn’t your mother ever tell you not to talk to strangers…especially green ones in tight clothes and antennae.
• Is that really two pieces of cheddar cheese under that blinking light?
• That space ship suddenly got a whole lot smaller when it landed. Must be that damn North Pole pressure.
• If you’re so cold Betty, I’m not so sure sitting on a block of ice in a short dress is going to help.
• Ahhhh…dear god, someone help those poor children, it the world’s scariest polar bear. With movement like a crawling human, fur like a cheap Halloween costume, growls like a jaguar, how can those kids not be scared to death.
• Watch out for the silver refrigerator box with the bucket head. I think Betty just crapped her pants.
• Whoa! Hey there Billy you better watch your mouth young man. Is calling an alien a martian the same as calling a black man the “N” word?
• Best use of toilet plungers I think I’ve ever seen.
• More stock footage please.
• Oh Santa and his funny jokes. Made the alien Zack Galifianakis laugh. He might need some new material around the kids though.
• Martians aren’t very good fighters. I think Voldor’s antennae got bent.
• I think that is probably the creepiest laugh of any Santa Claus I’ve ever heard. Even creepier are Bomar’s donkey teeth.
• Is that a pillow in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
• The Three Stooges on Mars with some of the fanciest tools ever.
• Hold a martian at gunpoint and he does a pirouette.
• Another intense martian fight scene. BAM! POW! SLAM!
• Secret to taking out martians is toys, confetti, bubbles, and horrible background music.

Quotes to bring you Christmas joy:

“S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S…Hooray for Santy Claus!”

“I forgot how to sleep, so I was just practicing.”

“Kidnap the Sandy Claws, tie him up real tight; throw away the key and then just turn out the lights.” – oops, wrong movie

“Are you a television set?”

“Golly!” yeah kids just don’t say that anymore.

“You won’t get away with this you…you…you martian!”

“By the great dark star, Santa’s treating him like a toy!”

“What’s round and soft and you put on a stick and you toast on a fire, and it’s green? A martianmellow!”

“Ahh…Balderdash and a fiddle-dee-dee.”

“Merry Christmas, Dropo Claus is here!”

“Hang up that Mistletoe, soon you’ll hear Ho! Ho! Ho! – On Christmas day you’ll wake up and you’ll say- Hooray for Santy Claus. Hooray for Santy Claus!”

Throughout this movie, I couldn’t help but think that this movie was an elementary school Christmas play. The sets, costumes, and acting would be about the same quality, and like the movie, the best acting would be done by the kids. This movie is just too easy to make fun of, and I have not passed up any opportunities to do so. With that said, I did somewhat enjoy the film. Not that it was any good, but it made me laugh and I can totally see a family enjoying this movie together. Anything that can bring a family together and entertain them has some respect in my book. Okay, enough sweet things to say, I’m giving this movie 3 turds out of 5 due to their crappy sets, costumes, and terrible acting adults.  Ahhh…Merry Christmas!

Introducing: Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver

We’ve survived Black Friday shopping sprees and Cyber Monday sessions at the computer and now it’s time for the holiday season. Christmas lights, mistletoe, presents, bad Christmas movies. And oh yes, there are some. When the weather gets cold and families want to bundle and cuddle in front of their televisions for a good movie, holiday movies are watched in mass. My gift to you is a weeding out of some of those really awful Christmas movies so that you can watch something better with your family.

My first red flag of a holiday movie is called Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver. You might be thinking, I’ve never heard of the first two movies and there is a terrible pun in the title, this movie must be cheesy and stupid. And you would be correct. While the theme of a Gingerbread Man is a Christmas icon, the movie itself has nothing to do with the holiday season. You might want to save your self the time and put the video on fast forward and take a look at the notes of all the important things to watch for we’ve provided.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: William Butler

Starring: Jackie Beat, Kimberly Pffefer, Justin Schwann, Zachary Haas

Tagline:

Rated: R

Bad CGI Gingerbread running shots: 5

A killer Gingerbread Man is released from a “maximum” security mental institute and time travels himself back to the year of 1976 where he wrecks havoc on a lowly Roller Boogie Skating Rink that is about to go out of business. For no apparent reason other than being evil and mean, the Gingerdead Man hacks, chops, and shots his way through the facility. With the help of two time traveling kids, a telekinetic nerd girl, and some infamous serial killers the goal is to save the Roller Derby and put the evil gingerbread cookie back into his cookie jar. – Trust me, it sounded stupid even typing it, but that’s the premise of the film.

What You Want to Watch for:

• Enjoyable title sequence
• The Scientific Research Institute for the Study of Homicidal Baked Goods? Is this where the Twinkie is going to end up?
• Hey where’s the cream filling…never mind.
• Candyland Island? Where do I sign up?
• You don’t show appreciation for someone by biting their nose off.
• Oh no! Not a another Roller Skate movie! I’ve already suffered through this once already – Roller Boogie!
• Ugliest looking Gingerbread Cookie ever.
• Roller Bake Sale – that ought to bring in a quick $84,000. Where are those other pastry characters when you need them?
• Erotic Car Wash
• Does time travel make gingerbread cookies fatter. The Gingerdead Man looks to have put on a few pounds when traveling through time.
• Telekinetic niece name Cherry – I smell a Carrie spoof
• Public Service Announcement: Hydrochloric Acid and sluts don’t mix too well
• Gingerbread boners break off easily – He should have watched Porky’s
• It all gets gross when the janitor gets involved.
• Just how many nails can one nail gun hold anyway?
• Can we have more out-of-place random quotes from the Gingerbread puppet please?
• Well now we know the truth behind what caused the attack on Pearl Harbor.
• How many skating rinks to you know that are equipped with not only a nail gun, but also a meat cleaver.
• Snorting Comet cleaner makes your eyes bulge out. Yet another public service announcement.
• One splitting headache coming up…man, I just came up with some better dialog for the Gingerdead Man.
• Gunshots to the head spray like water fountains.
• Electrical currents can surge through everything and everyone in a roller disco.
• Adolf Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer, Lizzie Borden, and Charles Manson add another dose of stupid. At least Bill and Ted grabbed someone important like So-crates on their Excellent Adventure.
• Oh no! Not my Gumdrop buttons!!!

Quotable Quotes:

“I know, maybe we can hold a Roller Derby Disco Bikini Car Wash in the parking lot tonight!”

“She’s Cherry, and I’d like her to stay that way.”

“Coming to cop a squat honey buns?”

“Do a little dance, make a little love, gimme a homicide tonight.”

“You’re one hot twat babe.”

“It’s a murderous confectionary treat.”

“…And her trusty sidekick, Pickles.”

Maybe without the lame attempts at movie spoofing this movie may have been somewhat tolerable. But then I also can’t ignore the cheesy and stupid dialogue (which consisted of hundreds of grunts, “ohs”, and “whoas” from the title character) and the very, very badly done CGI. Practically every kill was done through the use of CG and made as if a thirteen year old had used MovieMaker or iMovie to add special effects to their YouTube video. Gingerdead Man is yet another film that doesn’t take itself seriously at all and it actually hurts it. It may have been more enjoyable if the filmmakers would have tried to take a bit of it seriously and not put so much effort into trying to conform their story into a movie spoof. The one-liners from the main character started off a bit humorous, but then just became predictable and unnecessary. The most charming and enjoyable character throughout the whole film was a little boy with the name of Pickles. Everyone else just seemed really annoying.

There is not much for a soundtrack as various disco tunes played throughout (and it sounded like the same song over and over), however I will give kudos to the opening theme song and credit sequence. The song was more cleverly written than the film itself. Despite all of it’s flaws, I have unfortunately seen worse movies than this. I am giving this dreadful movie a very reluctant 2 turds out of 5, but only because I’m in a giving mood for the Christmas season.