Monthly Archives: July 2012

Hangar 18 (1980)

Anyone up for a sci-fi adventure that features a government cover up of alien proportions and a pair of heroes who can go on a killing spree and string of thefts and not taken into custody? No? Well be lucky that I watched this one for you so that you can spend the 95 minutes instead doing something much more enjoyable like picking up poop in the backyard before mowing.

Streamed by: Netflix

Directed by: James Conway

Starring: Gary Collins, Robert Vaughn, Darren McGavin

Tagline: Why won’t they tell us?

After launching a satellite into space and watching it explode in front of their eyes, astronauts Steve Bancroft and Lew Price are blamed for the explosion and the death of their fellow crew mate. However, the crash happened as a result of colliding with an alien spacecraft which then crashes on Earth in the Arizona desert.  Darren McGavin leads a team of NASA scientists given the task of investigating the crashed spacecraft which is found to contain three dead alien life forms. Through research and old manuscripts the scientists believe that these aliens are from a race of ancient astronauts thought to have visited Earth long ago and are responsible for the creation of all mankind. A government cover-up due to an impending election and two astronauts traveling through Arizona and Texas to clear their name give you the premise of Hangar 18.

What you would have seen:

  • And to think, that head is still floating through space somewhere in the universe.
  • I’m thinking that the filmmakers should have done a little more research about how the Space Shuttle traveled through space, however I wonder if one of their kids will be missing their Space Shuttle toy? Upon further investigation, I feel that I must somewhat take back this statement because the Space Shuttle had not yet launched at the time of the film.
  • Hooray for stock video footage!
  • There is always an election in the way from getting to the truth.
  • Alright, who erased that blip?!
  • Apparently alien beings have been stealing our tin foil to line their walls and ceilings with and evidently alien spacecraft have more room in the inside than they look from the outside.
  • Quite an impressive set of hieroglyphics on the alien ship. I think I just saw Optimus Prime on that wall.
  • Hmmmm…I wonder what this button does. Oops, my bad! Is everyone alright?
  • Not a bad little car chase scene that ends in an impressive explosion.
  • Wouldn’t our two “heroes” be on the U.S. most wanted list after killing those two federal agents?
  • You mean to tell me that people actually did their research from books? Thank god for Google.
  • A bad pair of eyeglasses with octagon frames. Did they actually make those?
  • Glass that shatters before a bullet even reaches it.
  • Four guys run around an oil refinery shooting guns and absconding oil rigs and there are no workers willing to stop them?
  • I’ll bet that Gary Collins is really good at playing Grand Theft Auto.
  • Man, that toy airplane must have been packed with a ton of explosives!
  • A voiceover to end the movie with only the ship left unharmed? No resolution? Were they planning a sequel?

Award Winning Dialogue:

“Either we’re imagining this whole thing, or the blip of the UFO has been erased.”

“They sure didn’t get these equipment at Radio Shack.”

“We, mankind, the human race, are their children.”

Despite all of it’s faults and plot holes, this movie wasn’t on the surface as bad as I had anticipated. It wasn’t great by any means, but I’m betting this one is on the shelf of some sci-fi collectors as a classic. Won’t be on mine in a million years but hey, to each their own.

Since it did have some merit to it, albeit very little, this film only deserves two turds out of five.

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Welcome to Reel Ex-Stream

reelexstream icon littleVideo streaming is becoming increasingly popular and there is a ton of content available now more than ever online. I want to help you sort through some of the bad stuff so that you can get down to the real entertainment. I have set out to watch some of the worst our streaming services have to offer so that you won’t waste your time. The requirements I had for these movies were that they had to have a rating less than 35% on Rotten Tomatoes or a one or two star rating on their respective streaming service. As far as ratings go, the more turds a film gets the worse it is.

And who knows some of these bad movies may the just the thing you are looking for. God bless you for being that person and thanks for visiting!

National Lampoon Presents Robodoc (2008)

Anyone up for watching a hospital drama with some deep character development and intriging story arcs? Well then Imageyou should probably stay away from this hospital satire whose sex and fart jokes will make you wish that is was your eyes were thrown across the room by the hospital receptionist (yes that was in the movie).

Streaming on: Hulu+

Directed by: Stephen Maddocks

Cast: Alan Thicke, Michael Winslow, David Faustino, One of those damn Deluise brothers

Tagline: Accepting New Patients

In a the world of high cost health care, greedy lawyers are at the ready to jump on any malpractice suit. With his group of informants inside the hospital, attorney Jake Gorman makes a killing on cases of malpractice. In an effort to cut down on the number of malpractice lawsuits from it’s doctors, a hospital puts their money into the perfect doctor, a robotic model, MD-63, or Robodoc. Much to the chagrin of Gorman, Robodoc doesn’t make a mistake and has an updated knowledge database of everything in the world.

What you would be missing:

  • A chance to name all the 80’s sitcoms this entire cast starred in.
  • Ahh…the old baby pissing in the face gag
  • Mime with a sore throat…nice one.
  • Chinese, Japanese, Dirty Knees…Look at these! When was the last time I heard that… in 4th grade?
  • Boobs!
  • Someone got their inspiration from Data on Star Trek.
  • Definitely more balls hit here than the Kansas City Royals did since the All-Star break.
  • Fonda Johnsons? More plays on words please.
  • If I have to see that Deluise guy make one more of those stupid faces, I think I’m going to throw my remote.
  • Every hospital has a Cross-Eyed Children’s Clinic right?
  • Radioactive pregnancy results, that can’t be good.
  • While a nurse changes into her evening gown in the morgue, the corpses definitely bring new meaning to the word stiffs.
  • Apparently Norton Anti-virus doesn’t work on robots either.
  • Parker Lewis CAN lose and this script proves it.
  • Every hospital has a Blind Children’s Clinic right?
  • Way to end with a politician joke.

Award Winning Dialogue:

“This woman has acute appendicitis”. “Actually, I’ve seen her naked and she doesn’t look cute in anything.”

“We had to put her on a breastperator.”

“I may be a RAT, but you are a RAT BASTARD!”

“Save his NUTS, and bolts.”

Thank the lord I’m not in middle school anymore otherwise I would have found this movie just hilarious giving my buddies and I something to reference and quote for the next few weeks. But since I don’t have the sense of humor of 12 year old (although you wouldn’t know it given my current system for rating these movies), I give this film 4 turds out of 5.  I am only giving it that rating because embarrassing as it may be to admit, there were two spots that made me chuckle out loud.

Now that I’ve watched this medical nightmare, you won’t have to.

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TerrorVision (1986)

Anyone in the mood for a comedic, sci-fi, horror flick that is apparently funded partly by Heineken beer? Nah, I wouldn’t be either, but I watched it so you wouldn’t have to waste 85 minutes of your life.

Streaming from: Netflix

Directed by:  Ted Nicolaou 

Starring: Diane Franklin, Gerrit Graham, Chad Allen

Taglines: People of Earth, your planet is about to be destroyed… We’re terribly sorry for the inconvenience.

The new satellite dish of the Putterman family has picked up some garbage from another galaxy that has been converted into energy and zapped among the planets. This intergalactic energy takes the form of an alien that looks like Jabba the Hutt had sex with Seymour the man eating plant. The only one of the Putterman’s that recognizes the danger of the alien is Sherman, the youngest member of the family, and goes to great lengths to warn them of the impending danger. Unfortunately, Sherman’s parents are too interested in swinging with another couple to take any notice. The alien materializes out of the television to chow down on members in and around the house. Sherman’s sister, Suzy, and her metal head boyfriend, O.D., try to domesticate the alien; but with any household animal, they tend to be very temperamental and the slightest thing will set them off.

What you would be missing:

  • One hell of a complicated remote control.
  • Soundtrack that includes it’s own theme song. A very bad theme song that is.
  • Grandpa’s room is a bomb shelter. Really? And speaking of Grandpa, why am I grossed out when he says that he’s “Just taking care of business?” Hmmmm…must be the gooey stuff dripping off his nose and chin.
  • Huge 80’s hairdo with a wild dye job
  • Impressive starry night (looks great on the sound stage wall)
  • Come on kid, just take your medicine. Everything will be okay. And put down that semi automatic machine gun.
  • For some reason, this film thinks that people have green blood that looks like anti-freeze.
  • Boobs! – and a lactating fountain.
  • Do I really want to know what appendage that third eye ball is attached to on the alien?
  • Oh my god, it talks too.
  • And it “regurgitates” the bodies of it’s victims so that it can use them as puppets to lure other yummy house members. I think I’m starting to like this alien being more and more as the movie progresses.
  • Lightning bolt transitions during  cut scenes
  • Dude, I should have counted the number of times, “Dude”, was said.

Award Winning dialogue:

“Hey Mr. P, I’m going to grab another Heinie.”

“Holy Tomatoes!”

“Cool? It’s a warm 98.6, kinda like swimming in your mother’s womb.”

“Remember kids, you do your thing; we’ll do ours.”

Something tells me that this movie is probably meant to be seen while smoking a joint and speed drinking a case of liquor, which would explain all the stupid attempts at stupid humor. Since I don’t smoke weed and I was all out of beer, I did have to suffer through this atrocious film, so you wouldn’t have to.

I would give this movie 4.5 turds out of 5! This movie ranks in at a whopping 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. Holy Tomatoes is right! Very bad movie, but I’m guessing there are worse out there.

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The Video Dead (1987)

So, who wants to see a zombie movie?

Streaming from: Netflix

Directed by: Robert Scott

Starring: Roxanna Augesen, Rocky Duvall, Victoria Bastel

Tagline: The living dead are here, and they’re lusting for blood – yours! and Look what’s buried inside your television.

The Video Dead features a plot (and I use that term loosely) that centers around a T.V. (complete with dials – remember those things) that comes shipped in an unmarked crate. After years of being locked up, two teens recover television and place it in their house that they have just moved into, while conveniently, their parents are out of the country.

This television is cursed with only being able to “pick up” a channel that must apparently show a scene from a zombie movie over and over and over again. However, these zombies on screen have the ability to cross over into the real world via the TV. Well, of course, a zombie gotta eat! So, chaos ensues as the zombies wreck havoc throughout this peaceful neighborhood.

Should you decide to pass this movie over on the suggestions that Netflix has chosen for you, I’ll summarized what you would have seen.

What you would be missing-

  • Cheesy acting – And lots of it. The mouth on the main actress, Roxanna Augesen, really bothered me. I couldn’t help but think that her mouth was making rectangle shapes while she talked and smiled. It was odd. With the quality of acting throughout this film, it’s no wonder that most of these actors went to appear in nothing else.
  • Giggling Zombies – Yes, you read right, zombies that chuckle after one of their antics on an old lady.
  • Did you know that old fat ladies could be washed in the washing machine? And who knew that the spin cycle still worked with the lid open?
  • Ever wondered what it would look like, or sound like for that matter, when someone’s head turned a total 360 degrees?
  • A younger brother whose machete swinging technique leaves a little to be desired.
  • A chainsaw wielding zombie
  • Boobs!
  • A  horrific soundtrack containing clearly 80’s tunes that will make you wish you still had that Walkman cassette that ate the tapes.
  • Zombies in various states of decay – ranging from those that, interestingly enough, still bleed after being dead for decades,  to another that is oddly a smurfy shade of blue.
  • Zombies that are afraid of their own reflection. Because then they can see that they are truly not among the living.
  • Did you know that zombies can also sense fear?

So, without any further ado, how would someone rate this awful movie?

I would give it a 4 out of 5…turds that is, with 5 being the worst.

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Hello world!

Being a recent “cord cutter”, I have had to rely on various streaming sources to provide me with a fix of movies and television series. Between Netflix, Hulu+, and Crackle, there is a variety of things to keep one occupied on a lazy Sunday afternoon. As I started searching for something to watch, I surged through many an old and classic movie. However, intermingled in those classic and blockbuster movies are several horrible gems that didn’t quit meet that Hollywood blockbuster status at the box office, if they even saw a theater at all.

So after adding a few unheard of flicks to my queue and settling down on the couch for a restful afternoon that kept me out of the scorching temperatures outside, I began to watch these newfound films. And once I began watching, I thought to myself, “Perhaps these should have been left hidden to begin with.”

But I was intriqued. At the production value, the acting, the special effects, soundtrack, the plot…or at least the lack thereof. So formed the idea to document all of those god awful movies that I endured and suffered through, so that someone else might not have to be burdened with the same fate. Or for some perhaps, the joy of finding some cinematic atrocities to get them through the day. Thus Reel Ex-Stream was born!