Monthly Archives: August 2012

The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies (1964)

If you are in the mood for a good zombie movie with a lot of scares and grotesque scenes of eating brains and munching on humans, then stay totally clear of this complete disaster. Calling this film a B-Movie is giving it two grades higher than it deserves. I had the dubious honor of watching this incredibly strange creature of a film. The good thing is that since I decided to take one for the team, you can now use that 84 minutes to write the lyrics to your own unintelligible song about nothing in particular.

Streaming on: Crackle

Directed by: Ray Dennis Steckler

Starring: Cash Flagg, Carolyn Brandt, Brett O’Hara

Rated: R

Tagline: A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters…

Jerry and his friend, Harold, take his girlfriend on an evening out by going to the local amusement park complete with fortune teller and dance hall full of “strippers”. After visiting the fortune teller and receiving information that was undesirable, Jerry decides to ditch the girlfriend and spend his evening watching the dance hall girls. While watching, Jerry is invited back stage, by the hideouly handsome, Ortega, strange things happen to Jerry that turn him into a cold blooded killer. What about the zombies you ask? Don’t bother.

What you would be missing:

      • One horned up Fortune Teller…with a gigantic mole on her face and a bad fake tan.
      • Maybe if she used that poison on her own face, she might get rid of that mole.
      • Dubbed in scream from what is sure to be an impressive acting performance. For crying out loud lady it’s just a cat. And please God, tell me that’s not the same teddy bear that I had growing up.
      • Two swinging guys riding in a shag’on wagon.
      • Holy hair do! – Nice dramatic chipmunk moment there Angie.
      • Hey let’s go to the amusement park over there. That looks like fun.
      • Probably the most disturbing and annoying ticket vendor I’ve ever seen.
      • Oh those wacky teens, just having a good time. I’ve never felt so giddy and happy that I feel the need to randomly hop like someone lit a firecracker in my ass.
      • A dull and lame stand up comedy routine. Where’s Michael Richards when you need him?
      • And I thought shaky cams in today’s films were nauseating.
      • Wow, who was the set designer on this film…Yikes! Looks like the film was made for $38,000, oh wait, it was.
      • Damn that death card about as terrifying as getting the Old Maid!
      • What a waste of fifty cents.
      • Ortega sure is an ugly fellow, looks like a cross between Oliver Twist’s Fagin and a Walmart $2.00 Halloween mask.
      • We all know those two little boys at the front of the stage are just dying to go in to the stripper show, they sure have been there a long time.
      • Worst carnival show ever. – Am I the only one who can picture Adele recording this song and making it a hit?
      • The three guys in the crowd sure make a lot of noise, considering two of them weren’t clapping.
      • Man she’s good at hypnotism, I almost feel like falling asleep. Oh wait, it actually has nothing to do with her hypnotism techniques – it’s the directors.
      • I’m starting to wonder if this is supposed to be a musical or not. At least four musical numbers so far. No of them worth a damn.
      • Drunk Marge trying to dance again. That didn’t last long. Jerry comes in for the kill. Kill that mannequin, kill that mannequin.
      • Ummm…what the hell was that? I’m going to chalk that up to a filmmaker’s acid trip.
      • Good grief, another song…good thing is, we can’t understand the lyrics to the song.
      • Another dancing and musical number. Milli Vanili have nothing on this chick. She only seems to be in sync with the soundtrack on close up shots. Shick out of Shape? What the hell does that mean?
      • Oh my god, yet another undistinquishable musical number.
      • Harold, what accent is that? You sound like Jean Claude Van Damme and Arnold Schwarzenagger munching on a bag of marbles.
      • Jerry looks like a dead ringer for Eminem in that hoodie. OJ could have taken some tips from him, quite the killing spree without a drop of blood on him.
      • And the reward for most retarded looking and acting zombies goes to…this film!
      • I can totally see African tribes dancing to this same music!
      • There’s those two little kids again, for god’s sake just let them into the show will ya!
      • So, is it customary to bite your knuckles when you scream?
      • This last scene must go on forever.
      • The End…Thank the lord.

Academy Award Winning Dialogue:

“You dirty, filthy pig! So, I belong with the freaks, huh? I’ll fix you so even the freaks won’t look at you.”

“Ortega, Ortega, take him and make him like my other pets!”

“Get your tickets here. Get your tickets, get your tickets, get your tickets here!”

“Clouds affect only the cloudy”

“We have 20 beautiful girls and only ten beautiful costumes!” – Well, that was a lie on both counts.

“Look at the wheel…see how it speens.”

Well, just to let you know, there were zombies eventually. They thankfully entered the film just in time to break up one final dreadful musical number. This movie had quite the array of genres mixed in to one. Unfortunately, none of them worked really well. The film had one of the most appalling cast of actors I think I’ve ever seen. The set was not good nor was the soundtrack. However, I must say that for $38,000 one can’t expect too much. Despite it’s meager budget and lofty expectations, this film is getting the dreaded 5 turds out of 5 from me.

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Dark Tower (1989)

After a long week of work, is anyone interested in watching a movie that centers on a haunted office building with flying tools and some god awful editing shots? Well, lucky for you, I watched it so that you can spend your weekend playing catch the window washer with the family.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Freddie Francis, Ken Wiederhorn

Starring: Michael Moriarty, Jenny Agutter, Kevin McCarthy

Rated: R

Tagline: In a city that never sleeps… this building is a nightmare.

Ambitious, workaholic, business woman, and architect, Carolyn Page, spends many hours in her soon to be completed skyscraper of her own design in Barcelona. When strange events begin to happen, such as the mysterious death of a window washer and the unexplained demise of a security guard (unexplained is not a stretch either), she begins to wonder what is causing the mysterious events. To the rescue comes a detective who has a sixth sense who thinks that a ghost may be the culprit.

What you would be missing:

  • That window washer just can’t get that one spot clean, he’s been washing it for two minutes now.
  • An executive who needs to learn how to catch a little better. It was a dummy falling 29 stories for god sakes.
  • A leading lady who looks like a cross between Lily Tomlin and one of the Terror Dogs from Ghostbusters. “I am Zuul.” Please tell me that if there are boobs in this movie, they are not hers.
  • Somehow somebody dies in an elevator. I watched the damn scene three times and I still have no clue.
  • Again with the elevator?
  • Exec with a gun, that’s never good.
  • Strange guy in the lobby and really bad special effect disappearance. So bad in fact, the scenery in the background freezes after disappearing.
  • My, have our computers come a long way. How did those green characters on a black screen not fry people’s eyeballs out?
  • Did he just rub his junk up against her arm?
  • Alright, enough of the damn elevator!!
  • Moriarty talks with a slur without having to drink that alcohol. It’s painful to listen to him talk.
  • Holy cow, Ms. Agutter’s hair is a constantly changing rat’s nest.
  • That computer must have quite an extensive database and knows everything about everybody. Did it just say that Dr. Gold took a dump three times on Saturday?
  • Oh boy, a clairvoyant detective, this plot just got a lot more…stupid.
  • What a lovely apartment. Turquoise walls, flowery furniture, a huge 10″ box TV, and just the perfect music to put a horny lady in the mood. Or was that part of the soundtrack, lord I hope not.
  • Watch out for the flying metal bars.
  • So, at what point do people start taking the stairs instead of these elevators?
  • Wonderful film editing in between filling glass one and glass two.
  • Great, I have to rewind 10 minutes, I must have dozed off.
  • Don’t you hate it when a mysterious wind blows through your office and ruins everything.
  • Special effect film skip number three.
  • Either Netflix is having some hiccups or this is some REALLLLY bad film quality.
  • Ten minutes of three guys walking aimlessly around an unfinished building.
  • This movie has got to have more dialogue with a character talking to themselves rather than to another character in movie history. I don’t think Tom Hanks talked to himself this much in Castaway.
  • That screwdriver went perfectly right into that pre-cut hole in the crazy doctor’s pant leg. Good aim ghosty, good aim.
  • That Caroline is sure a strong woman to push poor hopeless men all over the place. Must just be a coincidence that those live wires were just hanging loosely on the construction site.
  • Pretty impressive looking monster – doesn’t make the film any better however.
  • Okay, so apparently taking the stairs isn’t much better.
  • And it all ends inside a paper mache wall.
  • Soundtrack music at the end that is creepy than the whole movie. Sounds like one of those $2.00 music CDs of scary music you’d buy at Halloween time.

Can’t miss Dialogue:

“Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action.”

“Finding eternal rest and all that bulls**t. If you ask me, that’ll be too good for the pr**k”

This movie is nothing special to say the least. Despite the casting of Michael Moriarty, even his “acting chops” could not save this dismal film. It was only 91 minutes, but seemed to drown on for 191 minutes instead. The film was cursed with several bits of very bad editing, even the cool looking monster at the end was not enough to save it. This movie just fails.

I am giving the movie 4 out of 5 turds, some especially smelly ones too.

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Screwballs (1983)

Anyone up for a perverted, teen sex comedy that has more sexual innuendos than every season of The Benny Hill Show? No? I watched it for you so that you wouldn’t have to suffer through 82 minutes of raunchy stupidity . I took one for the team, and holy cow, do you owe me.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Rafal Zielinski

Starring: Kent Deuters, Linda Speciale, Linda Shayne, Jim Coburn

Tagline: The Raunchiest ’80s Sex Comedy of Them All!

Five of the horniest high school students you will ever see, make the decision while in detention to see who can be the first to get their hands, eyes, and anything else on the most popular and prudish girl at school, Purity Bush. After each boy does his best to make an attempt at seeing Purity’s breast and being outsmarted or shot down, they then band together for one final attempt.

What you would be missing:

  • Man, that’s one big weiner!
  • All the stereotypes are here: Jocks, Nerds, Rich Kid (with a tennis racket and ascot), Fat Kid (always eating).
  • Did high school kids really wear high heels to school in the 60’s?
  • Boobs!
  • DETENTION x 5!
  • Are all these kids horny and always speak with so much innuendo? I guess since they are all in their mid to late twenties and still in high school that’s bound to happen.
  • Ewww…creepy principal.
  • Stop me if you’ve heard this one…Three girls in dunce caps walk into an office and…
  • So, who in the world is this Muffy girl anyway? She’s made quite a name for herself in this school.
  • Well, I know longer wish to win a giant teddy bear at a carnival anytime soon.
  • I’m thinking that warm-up routine would be means for firing a coach nowadays.
  • Oh my god this sucks.
  • Jinkees my glasses, wish I could actually see those girls kicking my ass.
  • There is something disturbing about a guy fighting another in his boxers.
  • I think the teachers in this high school are by far creepier and dumber than the students.
  • Oh god, a dance off in the bowling alley.
  • Something about this reminds me of the old Benny Hill Show, but without the clever wit, comedic timing, and something the least bit funny.
  • Note to self, keep clothes on in the bowling alley. Ok, this is gross.
  • Miss Anna Tomical?
  • Oh my god this sucks!
  • Probably the most uninspiring homecoming pep rally I’ve ever seen.
  • Well, there’s Muffy…you’ve been a bad girl.
  • Apparently, the Statue of Liberty is a bit cold.
  • Burger King and Coca~Cola were sponsors of this movie, do they know what it’s about?

Oscar Worthy Dialogue:

“Good morning girls, I’m Dr. uh….Dr. Pepper.”

“Thanks Melvin, I would have gone crazy if I didn’t get something in my mouth.”

“If that seat could talk, I’d be in a hell of a lot of trouble.”

“We must, we must, we must develop our bust…”

“You’re pulling on the wrong ball!”

“Gee girls, thanks. My first strike.”

This has got to be the stupidest movie I have ever seen in my life. There are only so many sexual references one can make before it starts to get annoying. I was at that point within about five minutes of the move. I blame the movie, Porky’s, for this god awful film. This raunchier knock off makes it look like an Academy Award deserving piece of art.

Not only does this movie deserve an unprecedented 5 out of 5 turd rating, but should receive turds to fill a flaming bag of poo on the front porch. It sucked.

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Class of Nuke ‘Em High (1986)

You just got home and you are tired from a long day of work. You want to just sit back, relax, and watch a toxic spill horror flick that wrecks havoc on a high school building and the students inside it. Well, if you find one that is any good, please let me know, because the one that I had to sit and suffer through was itself a nuclear meltdown.

So that you don’t have to spend 85 minutes of your down time at the end of the day,  instead use it to draw on your face and place crochet hoops through your nose, I watched this film for you.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Richard W. Haines and Samuel Weil

Starring: Jamelle Brady, Gilbert Brenton, Robert Prichard

Tagline:  It rotted their bodies. It corrupted their minds. And thats’s the good news.

Tromaville is home to not only a nuclear power plant whose safety inspections have been non-existent, but a high school full of unruly and downright stupid juvenile delinquents right next door to it. When the power plant has an accident that goes ignored, some chemicals begin to seep, gurgle, and bubble their way onto the school grounds. When the school nerd drinks toxic water from the water fountain and then plunges to his death out of a window, do people start to notice that weird things are beginning to happen. Not only have the Honor Society students turned into a gang of body painting and piercing thugs with no conscience (known as the Cretins), but the student’s hormones have gone into supreme overdrive – or perhaps that’s just teenagers in general. The story centers around do-gooders Chrissy and Warren, a couple who wish to remain celibate so as not to pressure the other. Until…they are forced to take a hit from a joint made of radioactive marijuana bought from the Cretins. Then all hell breaks loose. In their “atomic high”, their inhibitions go out the door and have a lustful two minutes together and then have horrendous hallucinations that night. Chrissy ends up pregnant and coughs up a creature into the toilet which makes it’s way down the school’s septic system, conveniently into a vat of dripping ooze which helps it grow to full strength. When The Cretins stage a take over of the high school, it’s Warren’s job to save Chrissy who has been kidnapped by them for no apparent reason. It’s then the mutants job to do a little housekeeping of it’s own and disposes of the band of punks in various and gory ways.

What you would have seen:

  • A Troma Team Release – that means it’s going to suck.
  • Chemical waste. Why does everything start with chemical wastes?
  • We’re part of the nuclear generation. Have a nice day!
  • Tromaville High School – Probably the most diverse student body on planet Earth
  • It’s going to be a long day when the nerd goes bat shit crazy. The stunt man was obviously more muscular than the nerd.
  • Nuke ‘Em High theme song and Nightmare music by Biohazard
  • Hoops in the nose, spike on the head, boobs on a boy, my the yuppies were much different than when I went to school.
  • I’m guessing that one side effect of the nuclear plant is that no one ever graduates from high school. It’s student body looks to have an average age of about 26.
  • Uranium lunchboxes for plant workers, how cute.
  • Atomic high, that marijuana is definitely laced with something.
  • Every fraternity house looks like a disco club on the inside right?
  • Boobs!
  • Pass around the radioactive joint – Somone’s getting lucky at this party
  • Uh oh, looks like someone took too many of those little blue pills before going to bed. Call a doctor if that lasts longer than four hours.
  • Nice minature model
  • German teacher got just a bit wild with her eyeliner.
  • Don’t make me angry, you won’t like me when I’m angry. That’ll teach you to try and punch a radioactive mutant.
  • Note to self, don’t eat the worm from the tequila. I think she just barfed a tadpole with a face.
  • Urine sample right to the eyes.
  • Radioactive isotope samples in a high school chem lab?
  • Who says women can’t pee standing up?
  • Swirly!!
  • Seriously, what is growing out of that guy’s face?
  • Never a wise idea to stick your hand into a bubbling vat of green goo. But your whole head? Come on…
  • Popeye’s Chicken, Blimpie Subs, 3M Office Supplies – gratuitous product placement
  • I have never wanted a character to be gone so much in a movie as Mr. Ring in the Nose.
  • For God’s sake, did every 80’s movie have a montage?
  • That’s a face only a mother could love. A cross between the Predator and a porcupine. Somebody get that thing a Kleenex.
  • Whoa pretty colors. Starting to think I’m the one who took the hit from the atomic joint.
  • The chem teacher was right, those radioactive isotopes will blow up the whole school. – Nice stock footage of some random building falling down thrown in.

Academy Award Caliber Dialogue:

“I don’t give a wet fart what you think, this plant stays open!”

“Make like a hockey stick and get the puck outta here.”

“You ever seen a cockroach and go, ‘Yuck’? Well, you’re the kind of guy that can make the cockroach go ‘Yuck’.”

“My back teeth are floating, I gotta take a leak.”

The only redeeming quality that this movie had was the fact that the most annoying character was disposed of albeit not soon enough for me. I will say that the last half of the movie was better than the way too slow first half but that’s like saying, “After puking four times, the extreme case of diarrhea I had after wasn’t all that bad.” And it’s because of this that I give Class of Nuke ‘Em High 4 turds out of 5 however runny they may be.

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The Children (1980)

Anyone up for a sci-fi horror flick that will make you want to hug your children tight and pray you don’t get turned into hamburger. What? Sounds totally random, but this movie has just that. Well, I watched it so you wouldn’t have to use 90 minutes of your time, so you could lose your hands doing something else productive.

Streaming on: Hulu+

Directed by: Max Kalmanowicz

Starring: Martin Shakar, Gil Rogers, Gail Garrnett

Tagline: Something terrifying has happened to the children… pray you never meet them!

A gas leak from a nuclear power plant causes a deadly fog that wafts over a county road in Ravensback. After the local school bus drives through the ominous smoke cloud, the noxious gases turn all the kids on board into zombies who are physically uneffected by the fog with the exception of their goth black fingernails. The kid zombies have the ability to now burn adults to a crisp with a simple hug. And who wouldn’t want to give these kids a hug after they were assumed missing. The children quickly charbroil the town’s adults which lead them to the final set of parents. This set of parents, along with the sheriff, don’t take to kindly to the children and attempt to solve the epidemic themselves. After a few gunshots wounds to the chest, a burnt arm, a game of tag that ends up with a charcoal briquet, and some severed hands, the only thing left is to rid the town of these atomic children.

What you would be missing:

  • Slim and Jim, is that really the workers names?
  • Happy kids singing songs of love and adoration to their bus driver. Barf!
  • Hey bus driver, never mind that eerie looking fog wafting across the road.
  • Lesbian lovers and codeine…apparently that’s for another movie.
  • Scary Psycho stabby-stabby music!
  • Funny how flesh burns easier than the polyester clothing.
  • Okay, I think I heard this music in Friday the 13th! Harry Manfredini, you soundtrack regifter.
  • Yikes meet the creepy new deputies in town
  • Boobs!
  • That’s it sheriff, you dump that dope in the pool.
  • My how cell phones have evolved! Every scary movie has to have some pompous douchebag that we can’t wait to see die. Groovy music too douche.
  • Hey dumbass, go around her. How hard can it be?
  • More stabby-stabby music!
  • Sure makes you think twice about hugging a kid from now on.
  • Now that’s what you call a family barbeque!
  • Sign that kid up for the Second Mile program and Penn State is still playing bowl games! – What too soon?
  • Apparently, only kids are effected by this nuclear fog.
  • I’m pretty sure beating on the phone plunger doesn’t give you a dial tone any quicker.
  • So which would be worse, beating a dead horse or shooting a cooked canine?
  • The lady of the General Store sounds like Tom Cat from Tom and Jerry when she dies. (Oops sorry, Spoiler Alert!)
  • And the winner for “Worst Mom of the Year” goes to…Drinking, smoking, and pregnant. Her kid will end up a zombie even without the nuclear power leak.
  • Sheriff is picking off kids like he’s trying to win a stuffed bear at a carnival.
  • When you play tag with a zombie, you never win.
  • Zombies die by cutting off their hands? And apparently they purr and howl as they die too!
  • Could this movie be any darker? What happened to the lighting?
  • Damn the sheriff sure is a tall man.
  • Looks like someone has played a little too much Fruit Ninja. Dude is going wild with that sword!
  • Hands, hands, everywhere!
  • There must have been only six kids in this whole town…oops, spoke too soon, seven. See “Worst Mom of the Year” comment from above. Did I not call that one?
  • Hey, wait a minute. The douchebag didn’t die? What? He’s never seen again. So did the director need some time filler or what?

Memorable Quotes:

“Here’s to the bus driver, the best of them all!”

“A kidnapping in Ravensback, how exciting!”

“Tell us, Harry.” – “Yeah, tell us, Harry.” – “Tell us, Harry.” – “TELL US, HARRY!”

“I’d like to hump that bitch.”

“Hey, hey, hey! Harry the hawk does it again!”

“You just shot a dead dog.”

Despite being burdened with cheesy acting  and a ridiculous premise, this film was rather entertaining. It definitely isn’t good by any means, but there was something to be liked about it. I’m guessing there was some commentary about kids getting back at their parents for the choices that they have made in the past or something. Oh well…no sense in finding logic in this one, might as well rate it instead.  I was somewhat intrigued with the idea of zombie children and was interested throughout. With that said, I am going to give this one 2 turds out of 5.

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