If you are in the mood for a good zombie movie with a lot of scares and grotesque scenes of eating brains and munching on humans, then stay totally clear of this complete disaster. Calling this film a B-Movie is giving it two grades higher than it deserves. I had the dubious honor of watching this incredibly strange creature of a film. The good thing is that since I decided to take one for the team, you can now use that 84 minutes to write the lyrics to your own unintelligible song about nothing in particular.
Streaming on: Crackle
Directed by: Ray Dennis Steckler
Starring: Cash Flagg, Carolyn Brandt, Brett O’Hara
Tagline: A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters…
Jerry and his friend, Harold, take his girlfriend on an evening out by going to the local amusement park complete with fortune teller and dance hall full of “strippers”. After visiting the fortune teller and receiving information that was undesirable, Jerry decides to ditch the girlfriend and spend his evening watching the dance hall girls. While watching, Jerry is invited back stage, by the hideouly handsome, Ortega, strange things happen to Jerry that turn him into a cold blooded killer. What about the zombies you ask? Don’t bother.
What you would be missing:
- One horned up Fortune Teller…with a gigantic mole on her face and a bad fake tan.
- Maybe if she used that poison on her own face, she might get rid of that mole.
- Dubbed in scream from what is sure to be an impressive acting performance. For crying out loud lady it’s just a cat. And please God, tell me that’s not the same teddy bear that I had growing up.
- Two swinging guys riding in a shag’on wagon.
- Holy hair do! – Nice dramatic chipmunk moment there Angie.
- Hey let’s go to the amusement park over there. That looks like fun.
- Probably the most disturbing and annoying ticket vendor I’ve ever seen.
- Oh those wacky teens, just having a good time. I’ve never felt so giddy and happy that I feel the need to randomly hop like someone lit a firecracker in my ass.
- A dull and lame stand up comedy routine. Where’s Michael Richards when you need him?
- And I thought shaky cams in today’s films were nauseating.
- Wow, who was the set designer on this film…Yikes! Looks like the film was made for $38,000, oh wait, it was.
- Damn that death card about as terrifying as getting the Old Maid!
- What a waste of fifty cents.
- Ortega sure is an ugly fellow, looks like a cross between Oliver Twist’s Fagin and a Walmart $2.00 Halloween mask.
- We all know those two little boys at the front of the stage are just dying to go in to the stripper show, they sure have been there a long time.
- Worst carnival show ever. – Am I the only one who can picture Adele recording this song and making it a hit?
- The three guys in the crowd sure make a lot of noise, considering two of them weren’t clapping.
- Man she’s good at hypnotism, I almost feel like falling asleep. Oh wait, it actually has nothing to do with her hypnotism techniques – it’s the directors.
- I’m starting to wonder if this is supposed to be a musical or not. At least four musical numbers so far. No of them worth a damn.
- Drunk Marge trying to dance again. That didn’t last long. Jerry comes in for the kill. Kill that mannequin, kill that mannequin.
- Ummm…what the hell was that? I’m going to chalk that up to a filmmaker’s acid trip.
- Good grief, another song…good thing is, we can’t understand the lyrics to the song.
- Another dancing and musical number. Milli Vanili have nothing on this chick. She only seems to be in sync with the soundtrack on close up shots. Shick out of Shape? What the hell does that mean?
- Oh my god, yet another undistinquishable musical number.
- Harold, what accent is that? You sound like Jean Claude Van Damme and Arnold Schwarzenagger munching on a bag of marbles.
- Jerry looks like a dead ringer for Eminem in that hoodie. OJ could have taken some tips from him, quite the killing spree without a drop of blood on him.
- And the reward for most retarded looking and acting zombies goes to…this film!
- I can totally see African tribes dancing to this same music!
- There’s those two little kids again, for god’s sake just let them into the show will ya!
- So, is it customary to bite your knuckles when you scream?
- This last scene must go on forever.
- The End…Thank the lord.
Academy Award Winning Dialogue:
“You dirty, filthy pig! So, I belong with the freaks, huh? I’ll fix you so even the freaks won’t look at you.”
“Ortega, Ortega, take him and make him like my other pets!”
“Get your tickets here. Get your tickets, get your tickets, get your tickets here!”
“Clouds affect only the cloudy”
“We have 20 beautiful girls and only ten beautiful costumes!” – Well, that was a lie on both counts.
“Look at the wheel…see how it speens.”
Well, just to let you know, there were zombies eventually. They thankfully entered the film just in time to break up one final dreadful musical number. This movie had quite the array of genres mixed in to one. Unfortunately, none of them worked really well. The film had one of the most appalling cast of actors I think I’ve ever seen. The set was not good nor was the soundtrack. However, I must say that for $38,000 one can’t expect too much. Despite it’s meager budget and lofty expectations, this film is getting the dreaded 5 turds out of 5 from me.