Class of Nuke ‘Em High (1986)

You just got home and you are tired from a long day of work. You want to just sit back, relax, and watch a toxic spill horror flick that wrecks havoc on a high school building and the students inside it. Well, if you find one that is any good, please let me know, because the one that I had to sit and suffer through was itself a nuclear meltdown.

So that you don’t have to spend 85 minutes of your down time at the end of the day,  instead use it to draw on your face and place crochet hoops through your nose, I watched this film for you.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Richard W. Haines and Samuel Weil

Starring: Jamelle Brady, Gilbert Brenton, Robert Prichard

Tagline:  It rotted their bodies. It corrupted their minds. And thats’s the good news.

Tromaville is home to not only a nuclear power plant whose safety inspections have been non-existent, but a high school full of unruly and downright stupid juvenile delinquents right next door to it. When the power plant has an accident that goes ignored, some chemicals begin to seep, gurgle, and bubble their way onto the school grounds. When the school nerd drinks toxic water from the water fountain and then plunges to his death out of a window, do people start to notice that weird things are beginning to happen. Not only have the Honor Society students turned into a gang of body painting and piercing thugs with no conscience (known as the Cretins), but the student’s hormones have gone into supreme overdrive – or perhaps that’s just teenagers in general. The story centers around do-gooders Chrissy and Warren, a couple who wish to remain celibate so as not to pressure the other. Until…they are forced to take a hit from a joint made of radioactive marijuana bought from the Cretins. Then all hell breaks loose. In their “atomic high”, their inhibitions go out the door and have a lustful two minutes together and then have horrendous hallucinations that night. Chrissy ends up pregnant and coughs up a creature into the toilet which makes it’s way down the school’s septic system, conveniently into a vat of dripping ooze which helps it grow to full strength. When The Cretins stage a take over of the high school, it’s Warren’s job to save Chrissy who has been kidnapped by them for no apparent reason. It’s then the mutants job to do a little housekeeping of it’s own and disposes of the band of punks in various and gory ways.

What you would have seen:

  • A Troma Team Release – that means it’s going to suck.
  • Chemical waste. Why does everything start with chemical wastes?
  • We’re part of the nuclear generation. Have a nice day!
  • Tromaville High School – Probably the most diverse student body on planet Earth
  • It’s going to be a long day when the nerd goes bat shit crazy. The stunt man was obviously more muscular than the nerd.
  • Nuke ‘Em High theme song and Nightmare music by Biohazard
  • Hoops in the nose, spike on the head, boobs on a boy, my the yuppies were much different than when I went to school.
  • I’m guessing that one side effect of the nuclear plant is that no one ever graduates from high school. It’s student body looks to have an average age of about 26.
  • Uranium lunchboxes for plant workers, how cute.
  • Atomic high, that marijuana is definitely laced with something.
  • Every fraternity house looks like a disco club on the inside right?
  • Boobs!
  • Pass around the radioactive joint – Somone’s getting lucky at this party
  • Uh oh, looks like someone took too many of those little blue pills before going to bed. Call a doctor if that lasts longer than four hours.
  • Nice minature model
  • German teacher got just a bit wild with her eyeliner.
  • Don’t make me angry, you won’t like me when I’m angry. That’ll teach you to try and punch a radioactive mutant.
  • Note to self, don’t eat the worm from the tequila. I think she just barfed a tadpole with a face.
  • Urine sample right to the eyes.
  • Radioactive isotope samples in a high school chem lab?
  • Who says women can’t pee standing up?
  • Swirly!!
  • Seriously, what is growing out of that guy’s face?
  • Never a wise idea to stick your hand into a bubbling vat of green goo. But your whole head? Come on…
  • Popeye’s Chicken, Blimpie Subs, 3M Office Supplies – gratuitous product placement
  • I have never wanted a character to be gone so much in a movie as Mr. Ring in the Nose.
  • For God’s sake, did every 80’s movie have a montage?
  • That’s a face only a mother could love. A cross between the Predator and a porcupine. Somebody get that thing a Kleenex.
  • Whoa pretty colors. Starting to think I’m the one who took the hit from the atomic joint.
  • The chem teacher was right, those radioactive isotopes will blow up the whole school. – Nice stock footage of some random building falling down thrown in.

Academy Award Caliber Dialogue:

“I don’t give a wet fart what you think, this plant stays open!”

“Make like a hockey stick and get the puck outta here.”

“You ever seen a cockroach and go, ‘Yuck’? Well, you’re the kind of guy that can make the cockroach go ‘Yuck’.”

“My back teeth are floating, I gotta take a leak.”

The only redeeming quality that this movie had was the fact that the most annoying character was disposed of albeit not soon enough for me. I will say that the last half of the movie was better than the way too slow first half but that’s like saying, “After puking four times, the extreme case of diarrhea I had after wasn’t all that bad.” And it’s because of this that I give Class of Nuke ‘Em High 4 turds out of 5 however runny they may be.

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