Dark Tower (1989)

After a long week of work, is anyone interested in watching a movie that centers on a haunted office building with flying tools and some god awful editing shots? Well, lucky for you, I watched it so that you can spend your weekend playing catch the window washer with the family.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Freddie Francis, Ken Wiederhorn

Starring: Michael Moriarty, Jenny Agutter, Kevin McCarthy

Rated: R

Tagline: In a city that never sleeps… this building is a nightmare.

Ambitious, workaholic, business woman, and architect, Carolyn Page, spends many hours in her soon to be completed skyscraper of her own design in Barcelona. When strange events begin to happen, such as the mysterious death of a window washer and the unexplained demise of a security guard (unexplained is not a stretch either), she begins to wonder what is causing the mysterious events. To the rescue comes a detective who has a sixth sense who thinks that a ghost may be the culprit.

What you would be missing:

  • That window washer just can’t get that one spot clean, he’s been washing it for two minutes now.
  • An executive who needs to learn how to catch a little better. It was a dummy falling 29 stories for god sakes.
  • A leading lady who looks like a cross between Lily Tomlin and one of the Terror Dogs from Ghostbusters. “I am Zuul.” Please tell me that if there are boobs in this movie, they are not hers.
  • Somehow somebody dies in an elevator. I watched the damn scene three times and I still have no clue.
  • Again with the elevator?
  • Exec with a gun, that’s never good.
  • Strange guy in the lobby and really bad special effect disappearance. So bad in fact, the scenery in the background freezes after disappearing.
  • My, have our computers come a long way. How did those green characters on a black screen not fry people’s eyeballs out?
  • Did he just rub his junk up against her arm?
  • Alright, enough of the damn elevator!!
  • Moriarty talks with a slur without having to drink that alcohol. It’s painful to listen to him talk.
  • Holy cow, Ms. Agutter’s hair is a constantly changing rat’s nest.
  • That computer must have quite an extensive database and knows everything about everybody. Did it just say that Dr. Gold took a dump three times on Saturday?
  • Oh boy, a clairvoyant detective, this plot just got a lot more…stupid.
  • What a lovely apartment. Turquoise walls, flowery furniture, a huge 10″ box TV, and just the perfect music to put a horny lady in the mood. Or was that part of the soundtrack, lord I hope not.
  • Watch out for the flying metal bars.
  • So, at what point do people start taking the stairs instead of these elevators?
  • Wonderful film editing in between filling glass one and glass two.
  • Great, I have to rewind 10 minutes, I must have dozed off.
  • Don’t you hate it when a mysterious wind blows through your office and ruins everything.
  • Special effect film skip number three.
  • Either Netflix is having some hiccups or this is some REALLLLY bad film quality.
  • Ten minutes of three guys walking aimlessly around an unfinished building.
  • This movie has got to have more dialogue with a character talking to themselves rather than to another character in movie history. I don’t think Tom Hanks talked to himself this much in Castaway.
  • That screwdriver went perfectly right into that pre-cut hole in the crazy doctor’s pant leg. Good aim ghosty, good aim.
  • That Caroline is sure a strong woman to push poor hopeless men all over the place. Must just be a coincidence that those live wires were just hanging loosely on the construction site.
  • Pretty impressive looking monster – doesn’t make the film any better however.
  • Okay, so apparently taking the stairs isn’t much better.
  • And it all ends inside a paper mache wall.
  • Soundtrack music at the end that is creepy than the whole movie. Sounds like one of those $2.00 music CDs of scary music you’d buy at Halloween time.

Can’t miss Dialogue:

“Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action.”

“Finding eternal rest and all that bulls**t. If you ask me, that’ll be too good for the pr**k”

This movie is nothing special to say the least. Despite the casting of Michael Moriarty, even his “acting chops” could not save this dismal film. It was only 91 minutes, but seemed to drown on for 191 minutes instead. The film was cursed with several bits of very bad editing, even the cool looking monster at the end was not enough to save it. This movie just fails.

I am giving the movie 4 out of 5 turds, some especially smelly ones too.

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One thought on “Dark Tower (1989)

  1. this sounds like something that is strangely magnetic. I think its something to seek out. Thanks!

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