Monthly Archives: September 2012

Introducing: Mutant Hunt (1987)

The promise of mutants in a film’s title is always something to behold. The prospect of hunting them makes it even more interesting. I was anticipating my viewing of the film, Mutant Hunt. Well, don’t judge a film by it’s title, because that’s seventy-five minutes of my life I won’t get back, and the images I was left with are liable to haunt me forever. Just in case you don’t have time to watch this sci-fi masterpiece, I’ll provide you with the key points of the film so that you can instead go out and practice up on some lame karate kicks and fighting skills.

Streaming: Netflix

Directed by: Tim Kincaid

Starring: Rick Gianasi, Mary Fahey, Ron Renaldi, Taunie Vrenon, Stormy Spill (not even kidding)

Tagline: Man has created his ultimate enemy.

Rated: Not Rated

Missed Kick/Punch Count:  25 or possibly more

An evil henchmen who apparently earned a GED from the Academy of Evil Villains unleashes his horde of robots on New York City hopped up on their drug of choice, euphorium (or something like that) and kidnaps the scientist who had a hand in creating them. The scientist’s sister escapes capture and vows to rescue her brother by rooting out martial-arts expert (apparently self-proclaimed) and acclaimed mutant hunter, Matt Riker. Along the way, Domina, another villain and apparent Academy lab partner of Z, get jealous that Z is using all the euphorium and begins to create her own specimen. Riker enlists the help of his fellow trained monster killers, Felix and Elaine, who combined with their vast arsenal of martial arts kicks and missed punches, battle the deadly and blood-thirsty Z, Domina, and their troop of killing machines.

What you would be missing:

  • Two opposing villains, this could get interesting.
  • Give a robot a dose of euphorium and they become a sex machine, but then have to kill every six hours. The robot’s version of Viagra.
  • Something disturbing about seeing a man “fight” in his tightie whities…gross. Get some clothes on dude. My god, I’m hoping thats a chihuahua he’s smuggling in his shorts.
  • That is one sparsely furnished apartment unless you count the weapons hung on the walls and laying on bedside desktops. Arrows, samurai swords, shotgun, some strange laser thing, etc.
  • Don’t mind the hooker robot who was just thrown out the window in a pile of “blood” and egg yolk. Either that or Ryker had just given her a fill up.
  • Fight scenes that look like two eight-year old kids choreographed them and were very careful not to make any actual contact with each other. Complete with random kick and punch “slapping” sounds thrown in, you’d think the eight year old created the sound effects for the scenes as well with their mouths.
  • Um…hey cyborg…if your handcuffed to a pipe and plan on cutting your hand off, you might want to cut on the other side of the clasp. – Oh well, guess I was the fool, continuity in movies is overrated anyway…especially this one.
  • Quite the classy strip club. The dancer may want to invest in some moth balls for her closet, that outfit is full of holes.
  • Two long-haired tough guy brothers charge the stage and get their asses kicked – too bad none of her kicks landed. This of course was after one had his arm around the other seductively whispering in his ear.
  • Where can I get myself one of those kick ass watches and hyper running shoes.
  • Mr. Speedy Shoes is the keeper of the gadgets – Riker’s own Agent Q.
  • Human Life Termination – In Progress – Pop goes a head
  • A bomb implanted at the base of the skull. And without any anesthesia. This guy is as tough as nails.
  • Holy cow, if the quality of acting was any indication, it would be tough to find someone who wasn’t a cyborg.
  • Oh my, someone needs to teach this villainess how to properly tie a hostage up in chains.
  • Uh oh , look out it’s the two tough brothers. I’m sure they will get the job done. Nevermind.
  • Oh, I don’t know, perhaps a bad soundtrack choice maybe?
  • Probably the best special effects of the movie are with the half-faced robot.
  • I wonder if these guys did all their own stunts, the jump from the top of the bus was quite dangerous and graceful at the same time.
  • The fight sequences just keep getting better and better as the movie progresses. I think I’ve seen more realistic fighting at the local Renaissance Festival. Lightning Bolt-Lightning Bolt-Lightning Bolt!
  • Oompa Loompa doopety do – we all wear white and move boxes for you.
  • I’m getting the feeling that Z was an Evil Genius school dropout.
  • Hey Mexican Cheetah guy, why don’t you just stand there while your partners are getting beat up by these horny, blood-thirsty cyborgs.
  • And mysteriously there is blood on Z. Is he a professional wrestler by trade, I think he bladed!
  • The action in this film is fast paced and furious, it just looks like everyone is in slow motion.
  • Even the little girl in this movie has trouble keeping her clothes on properly. Looks like job security for the owners of Club Inferno.
  • And the heroes walk toward the camera in dramatic fashion to end the movie. What no explosion in the background?

Academy Award winning Dialogue:

“…ever since the space shuttle sex murders two years ago”

“I hate it when men save me.”

“Thank you Doe-mean-a.”

“I’ve just finished implanting a micro explosive device at the base of your skull.”

“You sorry collection of useless filaments.”

“Watch out, his hand, don’t let him use his hand!”

I must say that this film was made by a former gay-porn director and god am I thankful that this was the film of his I watched. This film was BAD, BAD, BAD on many levels, but I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard at a movie that tries to take itself seriously. I seriously had to stop the movie on a couple of occasions because I was laughing so loud. The cheesy acting, the lamer than lame fight scenes, the inconsistencies in the film’s plot and from scene to scene, the unforgivable dialogue, oh…I could go on and on. As far as movie quality goes, this film deserves a 5 turd rating, but because of the sheer fact that it was what I can only describe as… an entertaining kind of terrible, I’ll give it 4 turds instead.

Tagged , , ,

Introducing: Mac and Me (1988)

It seems that I have been in the mood lately to rewatch movies that I grew up with. So upon browsing through the greatness that is Netflix Instant Stream, I find this little gem. If anyone is interested in watching a 99 minute commercial that seems mysteriously like the movie E.T., then Mac and Me is the movie for you. Or if you’d rather spend that hour and a half working on a dance routine for your next McDonalds birthday party, I’m providing you with only the important highlights of the film. Call it the Clif-Notes for Mac and Me.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Stewart Raffill

Starring: Jade Calegory, Jonathan Ward, Christine Ebersole

Tagline: Out of this World and in to your Heart

Rated: PG

Blatant Product Placement: 8 (give or take several)

A family of aliens are accidentally sucked up from their unknown planet by an US Spacecraft and brought back to Earth. Once returning to Earth, nosy scientists and government officials let the aliens escape from the craft and they are immediately separated from the youngest member of the family, Mac. Mac, which stands for “Mysterious Alien Creature” and ironically is never really mentioned in the movie, but nevertheless finds himself stowing away in a Volkswagen van on its way to California. The van is occupied by a young wheelchair bound boy named Eric and his family consisting of brother and mother. Eric befriends Mac after a number of antics from the young alien that get the boy in trouble and together they go on an adventure to find Mac’s lost family.

Would you would be Missing:

  • Probably the ugliest looking alien you have ever seen.
  • Even the alien husband is getting bitched out by the wife. Males can’t buy a break, even in space. And why does the dad alien look like Dick Van Patten?
  • Man those NASA spacecrafts sure do have some great vacuum suction, just ask that family of aliens. I wonder if it’s a Dyson?
  • The spacecraft is giving birth!
  • Would someone please get those aliens some clothes? Those bodies are disturbing!
  • Alien baby is free! Oops damn, electrical fences…oops, damn cars…damn windshields…SPLAT!!
  • Have you ever wondered what an alien would look like flattened up against your windshield? True laugh out loud moment!
  • Great, move to a new neighborhood and the first person you’re greeted with is a nature-loving hippie.
  • Aliens don’t make for a good doorstop.
  • Snorks!!
  • Blatant product placement: Skittles, Otter Pops, United Van Lines
  • Wow congrats to the boy’s stunt double! That was quite a fall. Only a dummy would do that.
  • An alien’s version of Extreme Home Makeover
  • Blatant product placement: McDonald’s, Coca~Cola, Valvoline
  • If Pat Morita and Mini-Me ever crossed their DNA, they would get this baby alien.
  • The stunt dummy makes an appearance again, this time on the back of a vacuum.
  • Who knew that aliens could read?
  • Alright, who’s going to get the kid in he wheelchair back up that large hill?
  • Very smart, no one will ever notice the moving and sputtering teddy bear with the blinking eyes. Nice disguise.
  • Blatant product placement: McDonald’s – complete with a birthday party. I’m sorry, but I’m pretty sure McDonald’s birthday parties don’t all break out into badly choreographed dance numbers. – I’ll forget that I just saw uniformed football players dancing – Oh hell no…we now have a dancing “teddy”.
  • Good lord, how long do those shriveled up arms stretch anyway and since when did Mac earn the power of flight?
  • This movie has to have a record number of near miss car wrecks and run overs.
  • Blatant Product Placement: Sears
  • Ahhh…now I get it! Valvoline oil advertisement, horses, daisies to represent windmills…it’s all coming together! Whatever, who the hell am I kidding?
  • How convenient that the tracks leading into the mine are just right for a wheelchair to travel on.
  • There is a lot of sucking things in this movie: spacecraft sucking up family…alien sucking soda through a straw…alien being sucked up by vacuum…aliens sucking in air through their “O’ faced mouth…this movie in general…yep a lot of sucking.
  • And you thought the site had some interesting characters. Nice to see that aliens can get some shopping done at the grocery store.
  • Mac seems to have some problems staying a consistent size throughout the movie. What was once a giant dancing bear is once again a small baby alien.
  • Damn that stunt dummy had gotten a lot of work in this film and I would argue probably some of the best acting as well.
  • Alien bad touch! Alien bad touch! Where’s Happy Bear when you need him?
  • Sure, the aliens bring the boy back to life. The least that they could do would be to allow him to walk too.
  • Damn, is it really that easy for aliens to become citizens of the United States? Okay so, I wished the aliens would have put clothes on – well I apologize, they look even creepier with them.
  • And with the last scene of the movie, a dumb movie just got really, really stupid – There was a reason why E.T. was sent back home.
  • We’ll be back?
  • Ronald McDonald as himself in the credits.

Quotable Quotes:

“Do you think it was a drunk?” – “It was probably an ADUI.” – “What’s that?” – “An Alien Driving Under the Influence”

“Your mother tells me that you’ve been seeing some…things”

“Those kids…those kids just ran off with a…” – “…creature from outer space?”

“Just keep him dancing and they’ll just think it’s a teddy”

“That’s right, that’s right. Be the mommy, be the mommy.”

Don’t think for one second that I would let anyone get away without seeing this dance number fit for any youngster’s birthday party.

Based on the fact that I was duped as a youngster to want to see this movie because of the resemblance to one of my most beloved film, E.T., growing up, this film is unforgivable. I wish there was more substance to Mac and Me because I really wanted to like it and hoped that I would have a film I could be proud to say I watched several times growing up. But, yet again, I was denied

And because of that, I am giving this movie 4 out of a 5 possible turds. You stink Mac; you have nothing on E.T.

Tagged , , , ,

Ghoulies (1985)

Remember those movies from your childhood that you remember by one or more distinct images. You remember the images but don’tGhoulies movie poster remember actually watching the movie. Such is the case with Ghoulies. The image of the Ghoulie coming out of the toilet will forever be one that I can harkon back to my childhood and scaring my cousin, telling her that we had Ghoulies in our backpacks. With those visions in my head that I watch this movie of the 80’s that tried to piggyback on the fame of Gremlins. It didn’t work.

If you feel the need to watch this B-movie classic, then I have provided you with the Cliff Notes version that will help guide you through the interesting parts, that way you can watch it on fast forward and not miss any of this cinematic masterpiece.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Luca Bercovici

Starring: Peter Liapis, Lisa Pelikan, Jack Nance

Rated: PG-13

Tagline: They’ll get you in the end.

Jonathon and his girlfriend/wife move into a mansion he inherits not knowing that the mansion was used to house a satanic cult and the botched ritual involving a baby that happened 25 years earlier. Jonathon soon finds books about the occult throughout the house and takes an interest going as far as holding his own seance.  This spewing of incantations, brings forth little demons, or Ghoulies, that must obey their new master Jonathon. Unbeknownst to Jonathon, his dabbling into the cult has also awoken the mansion’s former leader from the grave who returns to complete the ritual from years ago.

What you would have seen:

  • Crazy green eyed cult leader – have a little trouble taking off that cloak there buddy?
  • A tribble with teeth? I’m guessing Jim Henson had nothing to do with these puppets.
  • Single grave in the front yard is never a good sign. Not to mention the pentagram on the headstone.
  • Creepy caretaker making eyes at the girlfriend. He looks like a cross between John C. Reilly and Santa Claus.
  • Books in the house about Black Magic, Witchcraft, and Pentagrams – hmmm…anyone else getting a red flag here?
  • Something about a macho Italian jerk who’s stuck on himself named Dick that makes you hate him.
  • The ultimate party game – Satanic Ritual in a circle.
  • Quitting school to study the Dark Arts and Black Magic? What? The local college didn’t offer those as courses in the curriculum?
  • Do we really need the voice ever narration?
  • And the Ghoulies come out of hiding.  Dick Nose, an ugly cat, a bat, and a Green Booger
  • Might want to check the pipes in the basement, you seem to have sprung a leak.
  • Could someone please get these Ghoulies a Kleenex?
  • What’s worse than saying another woman’s name while getting it on with your girl…apparently chanting encantations to summon demons. Sheesh, some women just don’t understand.
  • Just what this movie needed, two nearly hairless Ewoks, one of which needs to chew on some wood to keep those teeth down.
  • Where can I get me a pair of those green eyes?
  • What great dinner hosts, white cloaks for everyone. Now let’s howl at the moon!
  • Damn those dwarfs are tiny.
  • Cause it’s a Thriller, Thriller night. You’re fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight
  • Holy cow, there’s more boogers. And they have six-pack abs. I’m jealous.
  • Great, now dead Malcolm from the grave now has control over his own set of Ghoulies. Where can I get a set of my very own?
  • Pretty sure that wasn’t the french kiss he was hoping to get.
  • So that’s what two little dwarfs fighting a dick nosed ghoulie look like. Watch out, she’s deadly with that club.
  • As if the breakdancing moves weren’t bad enough at the first of the movie.
  • Oh dear, somebody forgot to flush.
  • Jonathan, I am your Father!  Nooooooooo!!!
  • Be careful, don’t  throw him up against the walls too hard, those community theater sets could fall down.
  • The jolly caretaker comes to the rescue with a staff to Malcolm’s back and a laugh that is quite distrubing – let the electric shock battle begin.
  • Amazing, all dead friends come back to life once evil is destroyed.
  • Looks like he picked up a few extra passengers.
  • Roll credits.

Deep and Thought Provoking Dialogue:

“What do you guys want to do?” – “Why don’t we play Hide and Seek?”

“If you do not drink, you will burn. The choice is yours.”

“Wow man, that chick is really a screamer.”

“No doubt about it, Mr. Dick, you are a lucky guy.”

“Hey dude, don’t Bogart that joint.”

As I mentioned before, this movie was firmly embedded into my childhood memories. However, I don’t remember and can’t believe that my mother would ever let me watch a movie like this growing up. I’m sure if I did see it, I would have thought it was awesome, what with the creatures and the killings, etc. Watching it again some 20+ years later, I have come to realize that this movie sucks just as bad as most everyone else did and that only a 10 year old would like it. However, I did get a couple of chuckles here and there.

Because of those childhood memories this movie brings, I am going to forgive it a bit for being so shlocky. With that said, I am giving this movie 3 turds out of 5.

Tagged , , , , ,

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You…

…and I’m making a prediction that this movie could very well end up on this site within the next year.

Here is the synopsis from Rotten Tomatoes

When aspiring vet Cassie finds out that her Uncle Peter’s dog dancing studio is in danger of closing, she enters her devoted pup Pijo in the Dog Dancing Championships. Standing between the grand prize and the glory is ten-time champion Gertrude and her dancing canine Chaos, who will stop at nothing to win. With the help of family and friends, Cassie and Pijo lace up all six dancing shoes, raise the woof, and take on the competition tail on. — (C) Phase 4

If you haven’t said or thought WTF yet, just wait until you check out the trailer.

Uhhh…Yikes. Doggie somersault for the win!!

Tagged ,