Monthly Archives: October 2012

Raiders of the Living Dead (1986)

 

What can be more exciting around Halloween than zombies? Zombies are a big draw in recent years with TV series like AMC’s “The Walking Dead”, and several big budget films that feature the undead. With that thought in mind, now think back to the days of your youth when we all would stay up late to watch “Up All Night” on the USA Network. We stayed up late because we knew those B-movies were cheesy, and although edited of all the gore and skin, we movies our parents didn’t want us watching. What we tend to forget however, was the fact there were some really crappy movies shown during that segment. I believe that I have uncovered the daddy of them all as it relates to awful B-movies, Raiders of the Living Dead. I thought that might be something related to Halloween in the 85 minutes of film, but I was proven wrong yet again. So, if you are brave enough to search for this movie in your video stream, I suggest that you put it on fast forward and just read through the highlights from the movie we’ve provided. Trust me, you’ll get more for the highlights than you would from the film anyway.

Streaming on: Hulu+

Directed by: Samuel Sherman

Starring: Scott Schwartz, Robert Deveau, Donna Asali, Bob Allen

Tagline: They hunt down Zombies who feed on Human meals.

Number of soundtrack sales:  Zero!

Synopsis:

As the film begins, a terrorist hijacks a tank truck and takes it, the driver, and some casual hostages into a chemical plant, where he is overpowered and killed by a tough black cop with a bit of a strut. Why do I mention this? I don’t know as it has nothing, and I mean nothing to do with the rest of the film. A newspaper reporter follows a story out to an old correctional institute where he believes something unnatural is going on. After he is chased from the facility by something scary, he is bound and determined to get to the bottom of what he saw. Not worried one bit that the lady he went out there with is now a zombie snack. After being picked up on the road by a “concerned citizen”, Morgan the reporter, develops a crush for his savior and together they go out and laugh uncontrollably at a Three Stooges movie.(At this point, you might be starting to wonder, what is the point of this movie? Trust me, I watched the whole thing and still don’t know.)

Enter Jonathan, a budding Einstein who likes to take apart old electronics and accidentally make a laser gun out of it. After a series of choppy events, Morgan ends up boarding up for the night at the home of Jonathan and his grandfather, who tells them both of his suspicions about the zombies. To make a long, drawn out, boring story short, after learning that a doctor was bringing corpses back to life via his experiments (for not explained reasons) Morgan, grandfather, and Jonathan return to the island of zombies and clean house. Oh yes, all with the help of Jonathan’s supped up laser gun.

What you Would be Missing:

  • Corny soundtrack. This soundtrack is all over the place right from the get go. Adventurous? Whimsical? 80’s Prime Time?
  • Remember when cell phones had an antenna as long as your arm?
  • Stupid terrorist vs cocky black cop in cat and mouse game through a power plant ends in a shocking result.
  • Long scene of the tearing apart of a Laser Disc player…and some really crappy music. That kid can really go to town with a pair of needle nosed pliers, a screwdriver, and some electrical tape.
  • WARNING REMOVAL OF COVER EXPOSES HAZARDOUS VOLTAGES! Stupid kid.
  • One dead hamster. Way to take one for the team Felix. No doubt the best acting in the movie so far.
  • Good lord, the girl is an even worse actor than anyone else. Listening to their flirtacious banter back and forth is enough to throw up in your mouth.
  • Zombie attack
  • Ahh…the days when someone could walk into a gun store, purchase a snub nosed rifle and walk out with it.
  • Does anyone really laugh that hard at a Three Stooges movie?
  • Surely in 1986, films were able to create better visual laser effects than this.
  • Long sequences without any dialogue, don’t know why I’m complaining the dialogue hasn’t done anything for the film up to this point.
  • Old lady with a lisp telling local history. She looks as though she might be a zombie herself.
  • The cutaways are almost as if there were commercial breaks in the film.
  • Has there been any mention about how bad the music is?
  • Zombie Attack!! Just what exactly are they doing to that poor guy? Use your gun dummy, use your gun!
  • Apparently church bells are a zombie alarm clock.
  • Zombies appear randomly out of different doors in the prison, followed by a montage of lame zombie killings.
  • Oh come on, lasers and arrows won’t kill zombies. Everyone knows that you have to shoot them in the head.
  • What? That’s the end? What the hell just happened? Be damned sure that I’m not going to rewind and watch again to find out.

Quality Dialogue:

“You look like a guy who has a pretty interesting story if a person wanted to pry.”

“I know it sounds crazy, but I think someone has found a way to bring dead bodies back to life.”

“Hear the footsteps, noises at night.- Something’s burning, fire burning bright. – Keeps getting closer, chills me to my soul. – They come to get me, hear the Devil call. – The Dead are after me! – I said the Dead are after me!”

Let me sum up this film quickly and painlessly – TOTAL SHITE! I realize that there wasn’t much of a budget to make the film, but come on. This one is really BAD. The script seemed as though is was made up on the fly as they were filming as there were many, many continuity issues, bad editing,  and plot holes. The acting was nothing short of atrocious as well as the dialogue. But the absolute worst part of the film in my opinion was the very awkward and undeniably horrible soundtrack. The film was filled with bad 80’s TV drama music that didn’t match the film at all. And what made it worse was that there were several scenes of no dialogue (even though things were going on) and it was filled with this crappy music. Ugh… Without question, this film gets the ultimate 5 out of 5 turds.

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Introducing: Troll (1985)

With Halloween coming just around the corner, I wanted to get my fill of monster movies in to prepare myself for all the upcoming tricks and treats. My first movie of the Halloween season was monster filled classic, Troll. Having already seen Troll 2 earlier this year, I was very curious as to how the “worst franchise in movie history” began. And how could I go wrong with this cast? Sonny Bono, Elaine from Seinfeld, Timmy’s mom from Lassie, Atreayu from NeverEnding Story, and some Carol Anne from Poltergeist look alike. So, I ventured forth and set aside 82 minutes to devote to the viewing of this Halloween must see. If you would rather spend your time having a seizure to the song “Summertime Blues” then I have left you with some quick notes over the film so that you don’t miss a thing.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: John Carter Beuchler

Starring: Noah Hathaway, Michael Moriarty, Shelley Hack, Sonny Bono, Julia Louise-Dreyfuss

Tagline: Apartment for Rent. Inquire Within…

Rated: PG-13

Number of Michael Moriarity dance scenes: 1

Torak, a troll fairy (I know kind of a weird combination huh?) sets out to recreate a fairy universe from centuries past in hopes that it will lead to his ruling of the human world. He accomplishes this by kidnapping adorable little Wendy Anne and shapeshifting into her body, and posing as her throughout their new apartment complex. Torak-turned-Wendy Anne finds her way into the apartments of the buildings tenants only to appear as the troll, and with the help of a magical green ring, turn the tenants into a fern garden that sprouts more little trolls. Harry Potter Jr. (yep, that’s right) suspects that his sister is not quite what she seems to be and after meeting with an old fairy princess from the floor above, Harry is determined to save his sister and foil Torak’s plans.

What you would be Missing:

  • Uh oh, not good to start the film with a girl singing a lame song in a dubbed in voice. The director could have at least asked her to move her mouth.
  • Hello there hairy troll in the basement
  • Harry Potter? Oh great not another wizard movie.
  • Hello there hairy troll on the next floor, oh oops…that’s Sonny Bono.
  • Sonny Bono is changing in to Ron Jeremy who is changing in to a pickle, who changes into a forest, that spawns a troll doll, baby creature from Black Lagoon, and Don King. Yeah it looks as stupid as it sounds.
  • Strange apartment complex first a troll, then a live mushroom that looks like a penis with eyes.
  • Just when you think pink walls can’t get any uglier, the neighbor sports his rattlesnake wallpaper.
  • Disturbing little Michael Moriarity dance number…Yikes!
  • Anybody else feel uncomfortable about a little girl walking in to strange men’s apartments uninvited?
  • Despite the stupidity of it all, the troll is pretty scary looking.
  • And there goes another neighbor turned into forest of bad animatronic puppets.
  • Hey no fair, I do believe Harry Jr. is watching a better movie than I am at the moment.
  • First dancing from Moriarity and now a musical number from a bunch of trolls, a midget reciting The Faerie Queen, and a singing penis.
  • To be truthful, all those trolls look like the Ghoulies, I almost thought that it was a sequel to this.
  • Poor June Lockhart is a long way from Lassie.
  • The knock at the door sounded pre-pubescent? Is she used to young boys knocking on her door? Cougar!
  • Young boy wants to be trained as a wizard and his name just happens to be Harry Potter, I think that would make a good book.
  • Oh okay, it’s a mushroom, not a penis.
  • Animated sparkles and a half-naked Julie Louis-Dreyfuss(s), what more could a guy want?
  • That was a mean Mr. Troll, as if Malcom wasn’t tiny enough, you’ve changed him into an even smaller troll. And he was supposed to be your friend.
  • Ahhh…the back story of the troll and his bad intentions. Now it’s all coming together and starting to make sense…*cough*BULLCRAP*cough*.
  • I always thought that June Lockhart’s acting resembled that of a tree stump and now we have proof.
  • I’m thinking that Torak’s green ring has more cinematic appeal than the Green Lantern’s.
  • Big bat troll on the loose and he looks pissed.
  • TROUPE ALERT!! Bad guy saves the day by killing his own evil creation.
  • And away the family goes off to their new town, Nilbog. (Yes that was a Troll 2 reference)

Dynamic Dialogue:

“I’d rather watch Star Trek. Phasers on dull.”

“Have you been playing with dead cats?”

“I’m in to swinging and children having pillow fights at all hours of  the night while I’m trying to score might cause me a few strikeouts.”

“You can forget the milk honey, he’s in to gin and tonics.”

“Can I come in, I think I’m going to throw up”

“Buzz off you little creeps.”

“Someone probably had their stereo on too loud. Probably one of those kids.” – Good rule of thumb, if in doubt, blame the kids!

Just to be clear, Troll 2, the notoriously so-bad-it’s-hilarious sequel has absolutely no connection to this movie at all. In fact the trolls are referred to as goblins. Nevertheless, this movie is pretty cheesy and the acting isn’t all that great, but there are some enjoyable parts. This would be the perfect scary movie for the 8-10 year old crowd. But if you are looking for some sort of blood and gore slash-fest or a scream flick for your All Hallows Eve get together, this one isn’t for you. I can’t quite give this the dreaded 4 or 5 turds, the mark of reel crap, and I can’t really say that it was all that good either. So, I’ll stick with somewhere in the middle on this one. The 1985 version of Troll gets 3 turds from me. On the good side, I have seen rumors that there is a remake coming on the horizon in the near future.

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Introducing: Warrior of the Lost World (1985)

Looking for a movie with some action, some things blowing up, and a clinic on how to spray bullets without hurting or killing anyone. Well, I’ve got one for you. I just finished watching 1985’s Mad Max ripoff, Warrior of the Lost World. This post-apocalyptic tale will have you wondering how to cut the annoying voice of a talking motorcycle while still keeping all it’s cool features. So, if you are curious but just want to put the movie on fast forward, I’ll provide the highlights for you so that you don’t miss anything important.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: David Worth

Starring: Robert Ginty, Donald Pleasence, Persis Khambatta, Fred Williamson

Tagline: Only one rider can destroy the Omega force.

Rated: R

Stunt Dummy Appearances: 3 (Can you find them all?)

While on the run from treacherous Omega troopers and post-apocalyptic punk rockers, a mercenary (only known as The Rider) and his hyped-up, talking motorcycle named Einstein crashes his way into a lost world where he is deemed “The Chosen One” to rescue their leader who is being held captive and up for death by the evil, Prossor. With the help the leader’s daughter, Natashia, our hero sets off to rescue the good Doctor. In the process of staging a somewhat successful escape from the Omega headquarters, Natashia is trapped and brainwashed into becoming a servant to Prossor, while her father and The Rider flee the area. The two then enlist the help of a rogue’s gallery of misfits to help rebel against the Omega regime and make an attempt to save the vivacious Natashia.

What you would be missing:

  • If the opening soundtrack is any indication, we are in deep trouble here.
  • Good lord, can this opening credit sequence slow down a bit? And holy cow, does this scrolling novel of a prologue ever end?
  • Nice motorcycle chase to start the film with Naziesque security force – Beep Beep Beep
  • Talking motorcycle that is grating on the nerves five minutes into the movie.
  • Dorks and Veg-outs and Geeks – Oh MY!
  • Post apocalyptic vehicle chases – with probably the worst drivers ever.
  • Bad voice dubbing – Yes please!
  • From motorcycle running into a rock cliff side to weird healing ritual with flashlights, to militaristic training center all with no explanation – great editing. This must definitely be the world of Illusion.
  • Hey! Watch where you’re pointing that gun bitch!
  • Since when do tarantulas growl, hiss, and squeak, snakes hiss like electric currents, and…what the hell? Is that a zombie?
  • Nothing says cinematic genius like a post-apocalyptic S&M show.
  • TRMNTR-114 corporal punishment – Hasta la vista, baby.
  • TROPE ALERT!!! – Heroes are deadly with  machine guns randomly firing and decimating hundreds of bad guys. Bad guys however, couldn’t hit a wall if they were standing in front of it, and apparently at point blank range.
  • Don Pleasence! Oh my god is this the model for Austin Power’s Dr. Evil?
  • Fight of the Decade: Punk Rock bitches vs Apocalyptic Hillbillies vs Omega Stormtroopers vs Ninjas vs Punk Surfer Dudes – my god, it’s the cast of the Borderlands video game. And no surprise, the hero rules them all.
  • More bad voice dubbing.
  • Who knew raising a fist would rally the troops?
  • Torture with high pitched synth sounds. Ohhh the humanity!!!
  • And the talking motorcycle is back – Hot to Trot, Hot to Trot, Hot to Trot!!
  • Slow motion car explosions x3, motorcycle and bus casualty x 1, missed bad guy point blank shots x 1,000,000
  • Nobody like a motorcycle with a dirty mouth.
  • Who can stop the large steel plated, flame throwing, spike-sporting Omega dump truck? The talking motorcycle and our hero, that’s who. Well, that ended up being rather anti-climatic.
  • And because of their horrible shooting skills, the Omega troopers are taken hostage by the band of rebels.
  • I shall call her…Mini Me.
  • Witness Fred Williamson’s Lando Calrissian moment. What a twist. I’m guessing someone was thinking sequel. Think again!
  • And somewhere there rides a…Warrior. (And he’s riding that damn talking motorcycle)

Incredible and Thought Provoking Dialogue:

“Oh Boy! Oh Boy! Oh Boy! – Yippee!! Yippee!! Yippee!! – Yee Hah! Yee Hah! Yee Hah! Whoopee!!! Whoopee!!! Whoopee!!!”

“Work is everyone’s freedom. Work must be neat and efficient. Food and entertainment are provided. Silence is its own reward. Obey the laws and obligations. We are very well today.”

“Prepare her for the assembly line.”

“Wow. Wow. Wow”

After watching this movie, I couldn’t decide what it was that I liked most about it. I could recall a lot of things I hated – the soundtrack, the talking motorcycle, the cheesy acting, the stupid hand-to-hand combat sequences) but then it hit me…ahhh, the explosions! This movie had some of the most over the top vehicle explosions I think I’ve ever seen before. It’s almost as if every vehicle was a hydrogen bomb on wheels. And oh yes, I also liked Donald Pleasence as Prossor, but only because I couldn’t get the image of Dr. Evil out of my head the whole time. And the chase scenes weren’t all that bad either.  As far as the rest of the movie goes? Meh. Not much story and a lot of plot holes. If it wasn’t for the most annoying character, Einstein the motorcycle, I would have probably liked it better. CRAP!! CRAP!! CRAP!! So with that said, I am giving this movie 3 turds out of 5 because it did have some redeeming qualities and wasn’t a total waste of time.

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