Introducing: ThanksKilling (2009)

Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching and the time for stuffing oneself to the point of being immobile is upon us. It’s tradition in many homes to watch football after the Thanksgiving dinner, while some families like to hit the movie theaters to check out the new Hollywood holiday blockbusters. I say, forget all that, why not sit back and watch a movie in the luxury of your own living room? It’s comfortable, you don’t have to pay an arm and a leg for it, the 3D glasses won’t give you a headache, and you can get up to pee anytime without missing any of the movie. Thanksgiving themed movies are very few and far between, especially cheesy ones. I have however found one that might be what you need to take your mind off of the busy holiday and might be just what you need before attacking the crowds at the Black Friday sales! This by the way is NOT a family film!

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Jordan Downey

Starring: Chuck Lamb, Lance Predmore, Lindsey Anderson, General Bastard

Rated: Not Rated

Tagline: Gobble, Gobble, Motherf#cker

Number of F-Bombs from a turkey: 7

An ancient Indian shaman puts a curse on a turkey, named Turkie,  to get revenge on the pilgrims for taking their land. Years later, after being awoken by dog piss, the turkey emerges once again to kill poor anything in it’s path. Enter our characters, five college students on their way home for Thanksgiving break. Their vehicle stalls on the side of the road and the students have to camp out overnight where they are spotted by the turkey. The murderous fowl tracks the students, kills their families, and aims to kill each one of them one by one.

What you should look for:

  • Boobs! Always a pretty good way to start a film. And pilgrim boobs at that.
  • Pretty impressive title sequence
  • Boobs again – not quite as impressive as the first set
  • A jock, a slutty dumb girl, a fat sarcastic guy, a nerd, and a good girl – yep all stereotypes accounted for.
  • Note to self, don’t piss on totem poles.
  • Boobs! Well, some what.
  • Turkey poop that looks like dog food?
  • Apparently turkeys can carry rifles with them. What the hell am I pondering that, this turkey talks for god sakes.
  • A sex scene that brings new meaning to the words “stuffing the turkey”.
  • Extra small gravy flavored condoms. They make those right? They were right next to the pumpkin pie flavored ones.
  • What’s dumber, a turkey with Groucho Marx glasses and nose or a grown man in a turkey outfit.
  • If the face doesn’t fit, you must acquit.
  • Be careful, eating imaginary food can be bad for your health.
  • Turkeys live in tipis and make salads for dinner.
  • Hey, why not watch a movie after you’ve just seen several family members die. Good way to take your mind off the cleanup.
  • Radioactive turkey! Next time cook it in the oven, not the microwave.
  • And that’s why you don’t french kiss a turkey.
  • Hang in there Johnny, it’s just a slight flesh would.
  • Everyone has a tower of sticks in their front yard right?
  • When the turkey dinner runs away, it’s time to go home.

Oscar Worthy Dialogue:

“Pull your shirt down, it’s Thanksgiving; not Tits-giving.”

“I’m thankful that your mom has the juiciest poon in town.”

“Oh please Ally, your legs are harder to shut than the Jon Bonet Ramsey case.” Said twice just in case you didn’t get it the first time. And the characters laugh and react to it as if they never heard it.

“I’m gonna drink your blood like cranberry sauce.”

“My dad has a huge collection of books, I’m sure he has something on killer turkeys.”

“It’s not your fault, there are just somethings in life we can’t control. And unfortunately this isn’t like a football game that we can just call an audible at any time.”

“Don’t be silly, that kind of stuff only happens in movies.”

“Ahhhh…my feathers are melting!”

“Do I smell sequel?”

Okay, okay…I realize that the whole point of the movie was to be as cheesy as possible. And that they filmmakers’ intentions were not to take the film too seriously. It was meant to be a bad movie. I get that. Knowing that, made this film a lot more enjoyable to watch. The filmmakers were able to make this movie on a budget of $3500, which I must say was pretty damn impressive. I thought the title sequence was great! Now the acting left a little to be desired, but I’m sure that the acting was meant to be done badly as well. On the film’s official website the producers tell you to “take the movie with a grain of salt”. How can you not while watching this? With that said and knowing the tongue-in-cheek intentions of the film, I rather liked it. There were parts that made me laugh at the sheer absurdity of it all. Because this film doesn’t take itself too seriously and that it is the holiday season, I can only give this movie 1 turkey turds out of 5.

There are two sequels to this film as well. Neither of them are streaming online as of yet.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!!

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5 thoughts on “Introducing: ThanksKilling (2009)

  1. mistylayne says:

    YES! I JUST reviewed this on Friday, lol! Loved every second of it and am watching the sequel next. 🙂

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