We’ve survived Black Friday shopping sprees and Cyber Monday sessions at the computer and now it’s time for the holiday season. Christmas lights, mistletoe, presents, bad Christmas movies. And oh yes, there are some. When the weather gets cold and families want to bundle and cuddle in front of their televisions for a good movie, holiday movies are watched in mass. My gift to you is a weeding out of some of those really awful Christmas movies so that you can watch something better with your family.
My first red flag of a holiday movie is called Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver. You might be thinking, I’ve never heard of the first two movies and there is a terrible pun in the title, this movie must be cheesy and stupid. And you would be correct. While the theme of a Gingerbread Man is a Christmas icon, the movie itself has nothing to do with the holiday season. You might want to save your self the time and put the video on fast forward and take a look at the notes of all the important things to watch for we’ve provided.
Streaming on: Netflix
Directed by: William Butler
Starring: Jackie Beat, Kimberly Pffefer, Justin Schwann, Zachary Haas
Bad CGI Gingerbread running shots: 5
A killer Gingerbread Man is released from a “maximum” security mental institute and time travels himself back to the year of 1976 where he wrecks havoc on a lowly Roller Boogie Skating Rink that is about to go out of business. For no apparent reason other than being evil and mean, the Gingerdead Man hacks, chops, and shots his way through the facility. With the help of two time traveling kids, a telekinetic nerd girl, and some infamous serial killers the goal is to save the Roller Derby and put the evil gingerbread cookie back into his cookie jar. – Trust me, it sounded stupid even typing it, but that’s the premise of the film.
What You Want to Watch for:
- Enjoyable title sequence
- The Scientific Research Institute for the Study of Homicidal Baked Goods? Is this where the Twinkie is going to end up?
- Hey where’s the cream filling…never mind.
- Candyland Island? Where do I sign up?
- You don’t show appreciation for someone by biting their nose off.
- Oh no! Not a another Roller Skate movie! I’ve already suffered through this once already – Roller Boogie!
- Ugliest looking Gingerbread Cookie ever.
- Roller Bake Sale – that ought to bring in a quick $84,000. Where are those other pastry characters when you need them?
- Erotic Car Wash
- Does time travel make gingerbread cookies fatter. The Gingerdead Man looks to have put on a few pounds when traveling through time.
- Telekinetic niece name Cherry – I smell a Carrie spoof
- Public Service Announcement: Hydrochloric Acid and sluts don’t mix too well
- Gingerbread boners break off easily – He should have watched Porky’s
- It all gets gross when the janitor gets involved.
- Just how many nails can one nail gun hold anyway?
- Can we have more out-of-place random quotes from the Gingerbread puppet please?
- Well now we know the truth behind what caused the attack on Pearl Harbor.
- How many skating rinks to you know that are equipped with not only a nail gun, but also a meat cleaver.
- Snorting Comet cleaner makes your eyes bulge out. Yet another public service announcement.
- One splitting headache coming up…man, I just came up with some better dialog for the Gingerdead Man.
- Gunshots to the head spray like water fountains.
- Electrical currents can surge through everything and everyone in a roller disco.
- Adolf Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer, Lizzie Borden, and Charles Manson add another dose of stupid. At least Bill and Ted grabbed someone important like So-crates on their Excellent Adventure.
- Oh no! Not my Gumdrop buttons!!!
“I know, maybe we can hold a Roller Derby Disco Bikini Car Wash in the parking lot tonight!”
“She’s Cherry, and I’d like her to stay that way.”
“Coming to cop a squat honey buns?”
“Do a little dance, make a little love, gimme a homicide tonight.”
“You’re one hot twat babe.”
“It’s a murderous confectionary treat.”
“…And her trusty sidekick, Pickles.”
Maybe without the lame attempts at movie spoofing this movie may have been somewhat tolerable. But then I also can’t ignore the cheesy and stupid dialogue (which consisted of hundreds of grunts, “ohs”, and “whoas” from the title character) and the very, very badly done CGI. Practically every kill was done through the use of CG and made as if a thirteen year old had used MovieMaker or iMovie to add special effects to their YouTube video. Gingerdead Man is yet another film that doesn’t take itself seriously at all and it actually hurts it. It may have been more enjoyable if the filmmakers would have tried to take a bit of it seriously and not put so much effort into trying to conform their story into a movie spoof. The one-liners from the main character started off a bit humorous, but then just became predictable and unnecessary. The most charming and enjoyable character throughout the whole film was a little boy with the name of Pickles. Everyone else just seemed really annoying.
There is not much for a soundtrack as various disco tunes played throughout (and it sounded like the same song over and over), however I will give kudos to the opening theme song and credit sequence. The song was more cleverly written than the film itself. Despite all of it’s flaws, I have unfortunately seen worse movies than this. I am giving this dreadful movie a very reluctant 2 turds out of 5, but only because I’m in a giving mood for the Christmas season.