Monthly Archives: February 2013

Introducing: Godzilla’s Revenge (1969)

godzilla mainIn the heart of the winter months, nothing is better than snuggling up on the couch with a warm blanket, some cocoa, and you video streaming services. I was looking for something different, something I hadn’t watched or reviewed before. Whilst surfing through my streaming resources, I found an old classic from my younger days, Godzilla!! So I prepped my self for some really bad English over dubbing and queued up the movie, Godzilla’s Revenge. This one, as I read more about it, tends to regarded as the worst Godzilla movie ever made. Well, we can be the judge of that.

Streaming on: Hulu+

Directed by: Ishiro Honda

Starring: Kenji Sahara, Tomonori Yazaki

Rated: G

Tagline: None

Number of high pitched monster growls: 50

A young boy name Ichiro has dreams that help him escape from his own reality and into one on Monster Island. This is his way of coping with his dull home life and neighborhood bullies. Monster Island is ruled by Godzilla and in his dreams, Ichiro becomes friends with Godzilla’s son, Minya, who learns how to be brave himself with the help of his father, Godzilla, as they battle with the monster Gabara.

Things you won’t want to miss:

  • Interesting monster compilation to start the title sequence.
  • Japanese children bully by jumping up and down and making funny faces at each other. Those retched souls.
  • Hey, Ichiro, nice shorty shorts.
  • Miniature computer for children? I suppose back then that was considered miniature. The tiger logo means it’s for kids.
  • Ichiro has one mean growl, either that or he is very constipated.
  • Godzilla body slamming a large praying mantis looking thing with ease, like Hulk Hogan bodyslamming Andre the Giant.
  • Monster Island is like a Jurassic Park gone wrong.
  • Minya must be the early 70’s version of Barney the Dinosaur.
  • How convenient, the bully and the bad monster have the same name. Ahhh I see the connection that the filmmakers wanted us to make. Clever, clever.
  • Little boys shouldn’t hump the grill of a car, especially one that’s being sold.
  • Godzilla must be a really good soccer player.
  • Baby Godzilla looks more like a Sid and Marty Kroft character, and why the hell can it talk? And why do I remember Godzilla’s kid being named Godzooki? Was that a Scooby Doo episode or am I just dreaming?
  • Young monsters shouldn’t smoke, all they can do is make smoke rings/plus it stunts their growth.
  • Are there any monsters on Monster Island that get a long with each other?
  • Planes that have very bad aim are easy to swat down.
  • Did you know that stepping on a lizards tail makes them breath fire?
  • Uh oh, be careful, the red mohawk is glowing, what a shocker!!
  • Apparently child abuse is allowed on the Monster Island.
  • Monster catapult – Score about a 3.5 on the landing. The Russian judge is tough.
  • Anyone else think that Ichiro is a dead ringer for the kid named Russell in the movie Up?
  • The criminals in this movie must be some of the most clumsy people ever.
  • Slow/stop motion kid fight that looks more like a forbidden dance than anything.
  • That a boy Ichiro make friends with the bullies by being one. Real smart thinking.

Dreadful Dialogue:

“No I wasn’t, I had a frat tire and the spare wasn’t even there.”

“Godzilla says that we have to fight our own battles and not be cowards.”

“Hey that car looks familiar; hey it’s my car.”

Final Word:

First of all let me say that I watched several Godzilla movies growing up. I don’t remember all the names of them, but I distinctly remember that awful growling noise that he always made.I was hoping as the title sequence rolled through, that we would have the opportunity to see all the monsters that were featured. Apparently, this movie was clipped together from pieces and parts of other Godzilla movies. And let me just get this out of the way, I hated…hated the Minya character. And with a passion too. All I could think about was Sigmund the Sea Monster when it was on the screen. I t moved exactly the same and had almost exactly the same voice. Oh yeah, and did I mentioned that it talked. Stupid. The music was exactly what you’d expect from an early 80’s movie. The acting wasn’t all that bad, but everyone had to work with such a cheesy script to begin with. I was never a huge Godzilla fan, so the lore of Godzilla escapes me. The three bipedal monsters were obviously people in costume, in fact I could have sworn that I saw the Godzilla head piece life up at least once. This film would be worth it just to watch only once if you were in to Godzilla. It doesn’t deserve any more than one viewing however. With that said, I give this film a rating of 2.5 turds, I would say it’s about middle of the road as far as terrible goes.

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Introducing: Solarbabies (1986)

solarbabiesSnow! And lots of it. That’s what I have been facing the past couple of days in my neck of the woods. Snow! About two feet of it to be exact. So what better way to spend a couple of snow days then to curl up on the couch and watch some really cheesy movies courtesy of my online streaming subscriptions. That’s exactly what I did. I was in the mood for something nostalgic, something that I remembered from when I was a kid. So, when I saw the movie Solarbabies pop up as a recommended watch in my Netflix queue, I was quite excited. I don’t remember watching it back when I was younger, but I definitely remember the movie poster for it. I was hoping that as I began watching the film, the movie poster wasn’t going to be the only memorable part of the flick.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Alan Johnson

Starring: Jason Patric, Jami Gertz, Lukas Haas

Tagline: Who Will Rule the Future?

Rated: PG-13

Number of pointless roller skating scenes: 5

In a post=apocalyptic where water is scarce and is being heavily rationed by a militant government, the story centers on a group of young orphans who are searching for their freedom. From what I can gather, the kids were taken from their parents and placed in orphan schools while their parents were put to work and so that the kids could be trained to become workers themselves. During a forbidden game of Skateball, the team of heroes, called the Solarbabies, are challenged by a rival team, the Scorpions. Upon getting caught playing in the middle of the night, the youngest member of the team, their mascot Daniel hides in a mine shaft and discovers a glowing orb with magical powers that cures his apparent deafness. After learning of the orb’s powers, it is stolen and Daniel sets out to find it which in turn sends the Solarbabies out to find their mascot boy. The orb falls into the hands of the evil dictator who, for some unexplained reason, wants the orb destroyed. Yeah, I know doesn’t make much sense, but hey, so goes the film.

Things you won’t want to miss:

  • Title sequence with 80’s MIDI music, and not that great of music either.
  • Where exactly would one get a pair of rollerskates with headlights attached to them?
  • The combination of lacrosse, hockey, and rollerderby could make for an interesting sport.
  • Jami Gertz was a hottie even back in the day. Still looks really good after all these years. Better think twice however if you plan on putting the moves on her when she has a digging tool in her hand.
  • In post-apocolyptic orphanages, everybody runs everwhere.
  • Skate night at the orphanage!
  • Reading Rainbow animated ball makes everyone happier.
  • Wait a minute…did I miss something about the mascot finding out his ball was gone? Did I doze off? How did he know it was missing? And how did she know that the boy went after it?
  • If one wanted to make an escape, I can’t imagine doing it in broad daylight would be the wisest of options.
  • Skating montage to a real crappy 80’s tune.
  • That poor boy’s shirt can’t decide if it want’s to stay on his shoulders or not.
  • Did you know that whipping a person while wearing roller skates can easily get them over a 50 foot jump,
  • Blondie seems to be the only person in the whole movie who didn’t know about the sphere.
  • Oh my god, first the skates and now the dogs have headlamps on them.
  • Tire Town – Solarbabies version of Mos Eisley.
  • Escaping a burning  town by rolling away in giant tires makes for a pretty dizzying experience.
  • Solarbabies, meet Jesus Christ.
  • Do we really know why the baddies are wanting to destroy the ball anyway?
  • Pole vaulting over an electric fence is powerful enough to knock your skates off while jumping. Thank god they are able to return by the time the landing happens.
  • Dogs like to eat blue Stormtroopers.
  • Robot can not only sense weak spots, but apparently potential pedophiles as well. That guy was going to touch the kid’s ball.
  • Water, water everywhere! And poof…the ball is gone without any explanation. Well, might as well stay consist with the rest of the movie, I guess.

Dreadful Dialogue::

“You fixed my ears, thank you.”

“That guy is a total lunar.”

“I believe this man has soiled himself, wash him.”

“I can’t believe I’m standing here taking to a ball…no offense.”

Final Word:

Overall, not a too terribly bad movie, but highly disappointing. The loose plot and bad editing lost me at times, but for the most part the movie held my interest. Or maybe it was just my interest in Jami Gertz held my attention. The movie did sport quite a good cast, and although the actors didn’t give stellar performances, they were good enough given the material they had to work with. There were many plot points that could have been interesting if they were given the time and developed a little more, such as the whole point of the orb the little boy finds. Instead we get several minutes of needless rollerskating to bad 80’s synthesizer music. The special effects I’m guessing were well done for the time it was made, but they do not hold up well by today’s films. The sets were okay, but Tire Town in particular was really well done in a Beyond Thunderdome/Waterworld kind of way. I tend to enjoy post-apocalyptic movies, but this one just left me wanting a little more. So, I am giving this film only 2 turds in a bag, because it definitely had some things going for it, but definitely wasn’t anywhere near some of the bad movies that I’ve seen so far.

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Introducing: Zombie Lake (1981)

2145944For the past two months, I have been waiting in anticipation for one of my favorite TV shows, AMC’s, The Walking Dead. I love it. Zombies are the cool thing these days and movies that feature them will be hitting television and movie screens over the course of the next year. So, to prepare myself for the upcoming episode of the Walking Dead, I searched for the word zombie on Netflix streaming. The first selection to come up was Zombie Lake, a French movie made in 1981. I quickly found the film on Rotten Tomatoes as well and I knew I was in for a long evening when there wasn’t even a critic rating listed, and had an audience rating of 18%. And I definitely wasn’t disappointed. My suggestion to anyone else who wants to queue this zombie flick up, is to acquint yourself with the list of important details that we have graciously provided so that you can watch it on fast forward and not have to totally waste 92 minutes of your time.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Jean Rollin

Starring: Howard Vernon, Antonio Mayans, Pierre-Marie Escourrou

Rated: NR

Tagline: God help us if they rise again!

Number of Continuity Flaws: at least 24 or any scene that involved the mayor

During a small skirmish outside of a small German village, German soldiers are shot, killed, and then thrown in the lake. Several years later those soldiers mysteriously return in the form of zombies that are hungry for naked girls and anyone else who gets in their way. The zombies roam freely around the village while the villagers try to thwart their attack with useless firearms. A flashback sequence tells the story of one German soldier’s deflowering of a local woman and the subsequent offspring that happens as a result of it. Both father and mother die and the young child, Helena, is left an orphan. Returning back to the present day setting of the movie, the girl’s father has now been transformed into a zombie but amazingly enough has the memory of his long lost daughter and develops a relationship with her. Creepy. Seeing how the zombies respond to her “father” gives her an idea that will help save the village from becoming inevitable Zombie Snacks.

Make sure you don’t miss:

  • Porno style bells and chimes music to opening credits.
  • Boobs!!
  • I wasn’t aware that beavers sunned themselves on logs.
  • Dirty ponds with lily pads above water, turn into bright blue swimming pools when one goes underwater.
  • Gotta love English dubbing.
  • Spank it, spank it, oh yes you naughty girl. Spank that washing.
  • Warning to women #1:  Beware of local zombies, they will slobber blood all over you.
  • After being shot dead, fire has the ability to bring the dead back to life so they can run away.
  • Time for a roll in the hay – Boobs! – You can only have so much fan with your pants on. Watch out for the belt buckle.
  • Great piece of acting from a grieving wet nurse. I smell an OSCAR!!!
  • Van full of giggly young women – cue Benny Hill music here.
  • Boobs! x 8
  • Warning to women #2:  Skinny dipping in a lake riles up underwater zombies.
  • They’ve been in the water so long, their zombie paint is wearing off.
  • It’s not everyday, a topless girl runs into the local cafe, at least none I’ve never been to. Unfortunately.
  • Zombie father with a fresh coat of face paint and daughter reunion, how sweet.  And, wow that zombie has an incredible memory and coordination for being dead for 10+ years.
  • Zombie make out session with cop – ewwww…
  • Live zombie make out session in barn – disturbingly more gross – and they didn’t have the green face paint
  • Excuse me miss, your garter is showing.
  • Zombies emerging from the water – cool scene – all except for the one over actor on the far left
  • Try your best to refrain from a lame Michael Jackson, Thriller reference. – It’s close to midnight, and something evils’ lurking in the dark – Dammit!
  • Zombies foam at the mouth when shot?
  • Zombie v Zombie: Quick somebody call Vince McMahon – I’ve got a new Wrestlemania match for him to consider.
  • Wallpaper doesn’t look so great on doors.
  • Warning to women #3: Stopping to take a picture during a zombie attack could lead to your demise.
  • Mmmm…Zombies love tomato soup, oops, I mean blood.
  • Flamethrower for the win. I wonder if Zombies taste like chicken?
  • Cue the tears…and…FIN!

Best Dubbed over Quotes:

“Let’s get away from this heap of hicks.”

“We’d better face the fact: the zombies have declared war. Those two cops were skeptical. Our fate’s now in our own hands. We must find a way to safeguard our town from the mad, murdering zombies’

“Ah ha…yeah…let’s go get ’em. Yeah…ahhhh…let’s go.”

“Not him Grandma, he fought them off, he saved my life.”

“Bring me a whole lot of fresh blood.”

Final Thoughts:

Let me begin by saying, this film is atrocious. I don’t have the time to list all the minor flaws that are in this movie. Let me just start with one obvious and very disturbing flaw, the zombies. The makeup was absolutely horrendous and unforgivable. The zombies faces were painted a deep shade of green and in some some scenes, the makeup was completely rubbed off of their faces. And the most inexcusable zombie flaw was the storyline of the father/daughter reunion. Zombies are dead, have no feelings, and just have one thing on their mind, food. One particular zombie in this film not only has a memory of a daughter he left behind, but remembers where she lives, and is nimble and coordinated enough to take off a necklace from his neck and place it around hers. Awful, awful, awful…The Walking Dead it’s not.

Second aspect of the film that I couldn’t get past was the constant continuity issues, and there were many, this flick had. Characters flitted from one scene to another each with a different wardrobe change and  just showed up out of nowhere to say a line or inject themselves into the scene. Many scenes were completely pointless.

The soundtrack sounded as if two eight-year olds were let loose in a music store and were given free reign to play with the instruments. And by that description, I think I gave the soundtrack some justice. Then there was the nudity, and plenty of it. Now, I’m appreciative of a good looking nude female body just as much as the next guy, but even that couldn’t save this movie. These flaws have led me to give this movie a 4.5 turd rating out of 5 turds. One of the worst movies I have ever seen.

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Introducing: Saturday the 14th (1981)

Saturday the 14th posterA spoof by definition is a mildly satirical mockery or parody; lampoon. Over the course of the next two months there will be a couple of horror movie spoofs that will be appearing on the big screen. Haunted House is a Wayans brothers movie  that spoofs the popular Paranormal Activity movies among others. Scary Movie 5 also hits theaters soon and surprisingly enough is a spoof on the popular Paranormal Activity movies as well. Deja Vu? I found that one of the earliest horror movie spoof films was streaming on Netflix and I thought that I would behold where horror movie spoofs got their start. Thus brings me the reason for watching the film Saturday the 14th, an obvious take on the Friday the 13th series of films. If you need something to do while watching (because you sure won’t be laughing), follow along with our highlights of some of the more interesting aspects of the film.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Howard R. Cohen

Starring: Richard Benjamin, Paula Prentiss, Jeffrey Tambor, Rosemary De Camp

Rated: PG

Tagline: Just when you thought it was safe to look at the calendar again.

A family inherits and moves into a new home that is also being sought after by Waldemar, a vampire, and his wife. Waldemar wants the house so that he can look for and find a magical book so that they can destroy it. Before they are able to do so, the family’s young son, Billy, finds the book and opens it, which in turn, unleashes a cast of monsters who are all also in pursuit of the book. A Swamp Creature, a mummy, a werewolf, an alien, and a couple of other creatures terrorize the family and their neighbors in search of the magical book. Enter the exterminator, Van Helsing, who learns that the book has been opened and it’s evil’s unleashed, stays with the family to help them fight together to protect what’s left of their neighborhood and home.

Things to look out for:

  • Someone needs to hire a new animator. Badly animated bats get fried.
  • Little Billy I think it’s time for a haircut, you look like a little girl.
  • Who the hell actually names their dog Rover?
  • Too bad the kid wasn’t looking at a porno magazine instead of a Book of Evil.
  • What do you think? Really short shorts or incredibly long legs?
  • Who would have thought that a Swamp Creature could be so polite?
  • Damn Dad, got a case of the munchies or what?
  • Hey, wasn’t that “eyed antennae” creature in Jabba’s lair?
  • Stupid woman who doesn’t know the difference between an owl and a bat.
  • An exterminator named Van Helsing, how convenient.
  • One would think that seeing something in a fog would be a strength of a Swamp Creature.
  • So is this movie supposed to be fun? I haven’t seen anything funny yet.
  • Ironic product placeement – Count Chocula cereal.
  • Oh my, she’s a grown woman and she’s gone and  she soiled herself.
  • How many walking Halloween costumes can one house hold? And did I just see a zipper on that one?
  • I always knew that the epic battle between good and evil would end in a face-making noise fest.
  • Zoiks! Here comes every Scooby Doo villian imaginable.
  • Grocery boy must be jealous of the Swamp Monster. He’s already gotten to second base.

Quotable Quotes:

“Do you two have children?” – “As often as we can.”

“Remember when we went to Disney World and he hid inside Pluto for two hours?”

“I have bats in my belfry.”

“Selling the house now is like closing the barn door after the horses have eaten the children.”

“Potato chips and onion dip, is that what monsters eat?”

Final Thoughts:

As with all spoof movies, this one does not take itself seriously. The overacting and the silly acting is definitely abundant. The monster costumes add to the cheesiness of the film. The best acting was surprisingly from the film’s youngest actors.  The main disappointment with the film was that it just was not funny…at all. A joke that runs throughout the film is the stupidity of the parents John and Mary. And man are they dumb. This gets old pretty quick. Another poorly continued joke is the one where every channel of the TV plays the Twilight Zone. There was some surprisingly gory parts as well that threw me off when they appeared, a severed head, bloody gun fight with a cop, and eerie bat attack. If anyone were to like this movie for the purposes of entertainment would be a younger audience, simply because they won’t know any better. So as a whole, this movie is a real stinker, and wins itself 4 turds out of 5…it’s bad people, it’s bad.

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