For the past two months, I have been waiting in anticipation for one of my favorite TV shows, AMC’s, The Walking Dead. I love it. Zombies are the cool thing these days and movies that feature them will be hitting television and movie screens over the course of the next year. So, to prepare myself for the upcoming episode of the Walking Dead, I searched for the word zombie on Netflix streaming. The first selection to come up was Zombie Lake, a French movie made in 1981. I quickly found the film on Rotten Tomatoes as well and I knew I was in for a long evening when there wasn’t even a critic rating listed, and had an audience rating of 18%. And I definitely wasn’t disappointed. My suggestion to anyone else who wants to queue this zombie flick up, is to acquint yourself with the list of important details that we have graciously provided so that you can watch it on fast forward and not have to totally waste 92 minutes of your time.
Streaming on: Netflix
Directed by: Jean Rollin
Starring: Howard Vernon, Antonio Mayans, Pierre-Marie Escourrou
Tagline: God help us if they rise again!
Number of Continuity Flaws: at least 24 or any scene that involved the mayor
During a small skirmish outside of a small German village, German soldiers are shot, killed, and then thrown in the lake. Several years later those soldiers mysteriously return in the form of zombies that are hungry for naked girls and anyone else who gets in their way. The zombies roam freely around the village while the villagers try to thwart their attack with useless firearms. A flashback sequence tells the story of one German soldier’s deflowering of a local woman and the subsequent offspring that happens as a result of it. Both father and mother die and the young child, Helena, is left an orphan. Returning back to the present day setting of the movie, the girl’s father has now been transformed into a zombie but amazingly enough has the memory of his long lost daughter and develops a relationship with her. Creepy. Seeing how the zombies respond to her “father” gives her an idea that will help save the village from becoming inevitable Zombie Snacks.
Make sure you don’t miss:
- Porno style bells and chimes music to opening credits.
- I wasn’t aware that beavers sunned themselves on logs.
- Dirty ponds with lily pads above water, turn into bright blue swimming pools when one goes underwater.
- Gotta love English dubbing.
- Spank it, spank it, oh yes you naughty girl. Spank that washing.
- Warning to women #1: Beware of local zombies, they will slobber blood all over you.
- After being shot dead, fire has the ability to bring the dead back to life so they can run away.
- Time for a roll in the hay – Boobs! – You can only have so much fan with your pants on. Watch out for the belt buckle.
- Great piece of acting from a grieving wet nurse. I smell an OSCAR!!!
- Van full of giggly young women – cue Benny Hill music here.
- Boobs! x 8
- Warning to women #2: Skinny dipping in a lake riles up underwater zombies.
- They’ve been in the water so long, their zombie paint is wearing off.
- It’s not everyday, a topless girl runs into the local cafe, at least none I’ve never been to. Unfortunately.
- Zombie father with a fresh coat of face paint and daughter reunion, how sweet. And, wow that zombie has an incredible memory and coordination for being dead for 10+ years.
- Zombie make out session with cop – ewwww…
- Live zombie make out session in barn – disturbingly more gross – and they didn’t have the green face paint
- Excuse me miss, your garter is showing.
- Zombies emerging from the water – cool scene – all except for the one over actor on the far left
- Try your best to refrain from a lame Michael Jackson, Thriller reference. – It’s close to midnight, and something evils’ lurking in the dark – Dammit!
- Zombies foam at the mouth when shot?
- Zombie v Zombie: Quick somebody call Vince McMahon – I’ve got a new Wrestlemania match for him to consider.
- Wallpaper doesn’t look so great on doors.
- Warning to women #3: Stopping to take a picture during a zombie attack could lead to your demise.
- Mmmm…Zombies love tomato soup, oops, I mean blood.
- Flamethrower for the win. I wonder if Zombies taste like chicken?
- Cue the tears…and…FIN!
Best Dubbed over Quotes:
“Let’s get away from this heap of hicks.”
“We’d better face the fact: the zombies have declared war. Those two cops were skeptical. Our fate’s now in our own hands. We must find a way to safeguard our town from the mad, murdering zombies’
“Ah ha…yeah…let’s go get ’em. Yeah…ahhhh…let’s go.”
“Not him Grandma, he fought them off, he saved my life.”
“Bring me a whole lot of fresh blood.”
Let me begin by saying, this film is atrocious. I don’t have the time to list all the minor flaws that are in this movie. Let me just start with one obvious and very disturbing flaw, the zombies. The makeup was absolutely horrendous and unforgivable. The zombies faces were painted a deep shade of green and in some some scenes, the makeup was completely rubbed off of their faces. And the most inexcusable zombie flaw was the storyline of the father/daughter reunion. Zombies are dead, have no feelings, and just have one thing on their mind, food. One particular zombie in this film not only has a memory of a daughter he left behind, but remembers where she lives, and is nimble and coordinated enough to take off a necklace from his neck and place it around hers. Awful, awful, awful…The Walking Dead it’s not.
Second aspect of the film that I couldn’t get past was the constant continuity issues, and there were many, this flick had. Characters flitted from one scene to another each with a different wardrobe change and just showed up out of nowhere to say a line or inject themselves into the scene. Many scenes were completely pointless.
The soundtrack sounded as if two eight-year olds were let loose in a music store and were given free reign to play with the instruments. And by that description, I think I gave the soundtrack some justice. Then there was the nudity, and plenty of it. Now, I’m appreciative of a good looking nude female body just as much as the next guy, but even that couldn’t save this movie. These flaws have led me to give this movie a 4.5 turd rating out of 5 turds. One of the worst movies I have ever seen.