Upon looking on the internet for some of Netflix’s worst streaming movies, one in particular kept being mentioned over and over again, Birdemic: Shock and Terror. This past year, we narrowly escaped the end of the world of during 2012. What is going to be the next “big scare” that will endanger our species. We’ve had swine flu, possible asteroid collisions, Global warming, and even the bird flu. This particular story centers around a bird flu and environmental attack. It sounded a lot like M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening, and I know that it sucked. So I thought, what the heck, let’s see just how bad this movie was. Couldn’t have been any worse than what I’ve already seen in the past right. Little did I know what I would be in for. Maybe if you’re lucky, birds will come and gouge your eyes out before you push play so you won’t have to endure the 93 minutes of torture that did.
Streaming on: Netflix
Directed by: James Nguyen
Starring: Alan Bagh, Whitney Moore, Adam Sessa
Tagline: Why did the eagles and vultures attack? (Good f’n question!!)
Rod, a software salesman, turned budding entrepreneur meets an old high school classmate, Nathalie, a Victoria’s Secret model. They get together for dinner and are obviously charmed by each other’s dull conversations, after which, they begin a relationship. Once few dates have gone by and visit to mother, Nathalie and Rod spend the night of sloppy and slurpy foreplay in a cheap motel and are awakened by the sounds of birds outside their window. They see that their town is being bombarded by eagles and vultures who dive bomb and explode upon hitting the ground. Rod and Nathalie meet another couple in the hotel and escape in their mini van that is apparently filled to the hilt with all sorts of illegal firearms. As they leave town, the foursome come upon two children whose parents have been violently killed and pecked to death by the deadly birds. The troupe rolls on from town to town meeting some interesting people along the way who propagate their environmental messages to the group. As the birds begin to leave a death trail of group members, the survivors must find out what is causing the attacks and how they can save themselves.
Things you might miss:
- In case one hasn’t noticed by now, our main character likes to randomly drive places.
- Oh my god, within the first ten minutes of the film I can already tell that this is an editing genius/nightmare.
- Awkward and creepy exchange of business cards.
- $4.59 for gas!! Good lord!
- So glad we get to follow Rod everywhere with some epic musical score. If we follow him into the bathroom too, I’m done.
- A one million dollar sale! Selling of what, we don’t know. Damn telemarketers.
- The sound editing leaves a little to be desired
- I’m sensing a “green” theme here.
- Wow, I’m sure that conversation has her truly interested, if she doesn’t fall asleep. More labored dialogue please.
- Yikes, some bad effects scenes forthcoming. CGI and birds and a green screen dance club, what more could you want from a film?
- Imagine Peace – shameless website plug
- Thirty minutes in to the film and we’ve not seen any birds.
- ONE BILLION DOLLARS!!! And stock options.
- Clap clap clap clap /stop/ Clap clap clap clap/ Stop /Clap clap clap clap
- There is some more labored dialogue between the two lovers, too bad we can’t hear it over the waves.
- Dead CGI bird on the beach – but don’t touch, it may be infectious.
- 40 minutes in – still no bird attacks.
- Dancing in an empty restaurant listening to some black guy singing about hanging with his family must be a turn on.
- Glad to know that she liked guys who didn’t always want sex, but Nathalie didn’t put up much of a fight for a night in some cheap motel. And with some dirty, nasty feet even. Gross.
- Finally, here come the birds! Dive bombing various places around town and exploding on contact. Kamikazee birds? Complete with their own airplane sounds.
- The sound of the eagles is driving my dog crazy.
- Watch out! It’s more birds on a string, kill them with a clothes hanger.
- Bet you didn’t know that eagles can defy physics and hover in one spot for a long periods of time.
- Screw those conceal and carry laws, we’re doing a drive by on some birds in a van that sounds like a small tank.
- More uncomfortable dialogue, too bad we can’t hear it over the highway noise. And why aren’t any of the vehicles on the highway affected by this bird apocalypse?
- Who needs a safety seat for kids when you can stuff them in the trunk.
- Okay, okay, we get the “Save the Environment” theme of the film, but do you have to recycle and reuse scenes over again, and again, and again.
- What a great idea during a bird attack, spend the afternoon in a completely open area having a picnic.
- More environmental rants about global warming please along with a badly looped music track.
- So, where exactly did the guys get their scars from?
- You know it’s not your day if you’re attacked by birds whilst dropping a stink pickle.
- Could these guys be a worse shot? Why not shot the birds directly over your heads?
- And viola, scars are gone.
- How passengers on the bus escape being killed by errant bullets we’ll never know.
- Ummm…bird piss or vomit. You decide.
- $100 dollars a gallon? That’s about all I got from the man with the marbles in his mouth. These birds are apparently have quite the impact on the global economy.
- If something ran into a gas tank and exploded wouldn’t the whole station explode with it?
- Woody Harrelson look alike is a tree hugger who gives yet another riveting global warming rant.
- And the forest spontaneously bursts into small pockets of flames.
- See what imagining peace will get you?
- How convenient, a fishing rod and a small stove. Keep looking you might find perfectly formed hamburger patties and bags of chips. And oh look hot dogs!!
- Kamikaze bird, meet Mr. Windshield.
- Thank god for the caravan of doves flying south for the winter to some epic and dramatic music and credits. – Well maybe they will fly south or just stay suspended in midair.
Academy Award winning dialogue:
“A day without sex, is a day wasted man.”
“Some of my friends say that my B.S. degree stands for bullshit.”
“Man, that was a good movie! An Inconvenient Truth!”
“Look, there’s dead people on the side of the road. Let’s go see if there’s any survivors.”
“It’s the human species that needs to quit playing cowboy with nature. We must act more like astronauts, spacemen taking care of Spaceship Earth.”
“The eagles have killed our friends, do you have a phone?”
“I hear a mountain lion, I better get to my house, and you better get back to your car.”
The Final Bird…I Mean Word
So can this film be described as one of the worst movies ever made? In my opinion, yes. I had read somewhere that a writer once referred to this movie as a “trash-terpiece.” There have been better movies made by young teens on YouTube these days. Now I know that this movie was made on a less than meager budget, but come on, I’ve seen better acting in porn films. Each character’s dialogue was robotic and was either made up on the fly or read word for word from a cue card. The characters themselves weren’t even interesting. The only character that showed any type of enthusiasm and made an attempt to act was Nathalie’s mom and she kept noticeably stumbling over her lines. The editing was absolutely atrocious and felt like a five year old had used scissors to make a snowflake out of the film reel and the director hurriedly pieced it back together. Some character’s lines were even cut off as the film cut from one scene to the next. Oh, and the CG birds, don’t even get me started. I had trouble telling if they were computer generated or paper cut outs in some scenes. Some even looked as though they were tied to strings and left to hang. Yes, this movie is hilariously awful. Were the filmmakers trying to make a stupid movie or did they think they had something good on their hands here? Either way, they missed the boat; completely. There were a couple of points in the movie when I was praying for a bird to swoop in, hover over me, and peck my eyes out so I didn’t have to finish the film.
This movie is easily one of the worst I think I’ve seen and it’s easy to rate this one, and I don’t feel the slightest bit of regret for doing so. Birdemic: Shock and Terror left me shocked that someone could make such crap and in terror to hear that a sequel has been made. Without thinking twice, I give this movie 5 turds. Not only would I give it five turds, but I would put them in a bag and light it on fire as well.
Just take a look at these screen shots. Ugh…