*WARNING – THIS POST IS DEFINITELY FOR MATURE READERS.
During my college years, my roommates and I looked forward to what we considered the most entertaining time of the year. No, it wasn’t the NCAA basketball tournament, although that was and still is a priority. It was the one time all year that we could just get a little wild and step away from our regular routines of school and work. When everyone had a beer in their hand and fun on their minds, when every guy who was a douchebag could get away with being a douchebag, when good looking girls would do naughty things that they would later have to apologize about, when a bunch of horned up young adults would do whatever they could for the sake of fun and the hopes of getting laid. I’m talking of course about the week of Spring Break! Oh, those memories of trips to ski resorts and beach resorts with friends are some that I will never forget. Unfortunately, I had to grow up and now Spring Break is just another week in the year, and my girlfriend and I’s idea of a good time is going out to eat at a fancy restaurant and watching a movie on the couch before having to go back to work the next day. This year, the world of streaming video introduced us to the film “Bikini Spring Break” from The Asylum studio. Now if that alone doesn’t tell you, “BAD MOVIE ALERT!!”, than I don’t know what does.
Streaming on: Netflix
Directed by: Jared Cohn
Starring: Rachel Alig, Robert Carradine, Virginia Petrucci, Erica Drake
Tagline: Sweet small town girls, until…
Number of gratuitous breast shots: 32, but hey, who’s counting?
A junior college marching band gets invited to participate at Nationals in Florida, but only after accidentally exposing themselves on the big screen at their football game, which doesn’t make since knowing that football is played in the fall and Spring Break is in the spring. Anyway…on their way to Florida, the marching band bus breaks down and the five girls have to find a way to raise enough money to themselves to the competition. Of course, beings that it is Spring Break time, they are immersed coincidentally in an environment of strip clubs, jello wrestling, and wet t-shirt contests that make the opportunity for money making possible.
What you will see:
- Boobs! and only six seconds in.
- Give a stupid girl a video camera in a locker room full of women in various states of undress and you don’t expect something to happen?
- Short bus turning into a long bus, back into a short bus again.
- Dumb girl strikes again. Regular gas in a diesel tank, duh everyone knows that about buses. Don’t they?
- How convenient is it that the first place open to take a group of college girls is a strip club?
- Dance club montage! And more boobs!
- Robert Carradine is doing a mighty, mighty fine job of bad acting.
- Hmmmm…I wonder where those ladies are going to get $2000 only using their body parts and organs? Bet it’s not selling their kidneys.
- How different would the car washing scene be if they were washing the headlights?
- Cue the bad CG fire please.
- Bumblebee chick from car wash doubles as a Spring Break party goer.
- Anyone else hungry for green jello? Oh wait, it’s not for eating?
- Stiffler look-a-like and Joey Lawrence clone just happen to be the hosts of every party during Spring Break.
- I’m guessing it was a four-way tie for the wet t-shirt contest.
- Does Florida even have mountain areas?
- Anyone else hear a horrendously bad soundtrack playing in the background throughout the whole movie? It even drowned out the dialogue at times; not that that is a bad thing.
- Riding a bull topless apparently helps a feisty red-head stay on for a record time. But officer, she was riding so fast that her top just came flying off, it’s was the bull’s fault.
- The group must be stranded in a one cop town. He seems to be everywhere.
- CG rain storms are a perfectly good reason to freak out hysterically.
- Yeah for plastic trophies!!
Damn Bad Dialogue:
“Scholarships? You can get those here?”
“Ok, it’s too bad. Quief you later.”
“See that over there? This town is full of slutty sluttermans and their smutty slutfulness…”
“I am the Jello Queen, bitch!”
“I’m not baring my breasts to a bunch of perverts.”
“Craig is a pole-smoking butt pirate.”
“We’re not freaks, we’re the marching band.”
“My tits are all over the internet.”
The Final Word:
The Asylum is always best known for the no budget knockoffs of big budget movies, hoping to capitalize on some of those film’s popularity. While Bikini Spring Break isn’t a knockoff of a big budget blockbuster but it was a throw back to the early 80’s and 90’s teen sex comedies. The film’s budget was clearly it’s biggest obstacle to overcome. Some bad editing didn’t do much to save the film either. In one particular scene, the band has to travel to Florida via a “short bus”, but as they travel there are shots of a regular sized bus that not only changes in size, but also design and even color. The film also falls victim to a strange sense of distance. All the characters seemed to appear conveniently in places together even though they seemed to go in opposite directions. The film follows the five band members, the fact that they are band members means nothing really, but they are quick to lose their tops and playfully bounce up and down in a fit of giggles and squeals. Each of the girls has their own personality even if it involves the Spring Break banning prude; all of which were quite lovely in their own right. The acting isn’t too bad considering the dialogue that they were given. In fact, the most annoying characters were the Stiffler-type character and Robert Carradine’s character, Coach Gill. Bikini Spring Break didn’t have much to offer as a story and considering that it came from The Asylum, my expectations weren’t too high for this film. Maybe that’s why it didn’t really disappoint me to much, well, that and the fact that there wasn’t more than twenty minutes that passed before a pair of breasts came bouncing back onto the screen. Boobs aside, dare I say that this film was somewhat entertaining. So, in honor of the numerous pairs of breasts appearing in the film, I’m giving this film a pair of turds.