Monthly Archives: April 2013

Introducing: Death Ship (1980)

DeathShip

Long week, needed something scary to loosen up my nerves a bit. As I have said on many occasions, I have chosen several movies based only based on the fact that I remembered the movie poster from my younger days. This week’s fare, was no different. I decided to watch the movie “Ghost Ship” solely because I remembered thinking that the poem was really cool when I was a kid. That picture of this big ship looking like is was going to eat a bunch of people on a raft was a great image. As I started watching, I’m starting to believe that I need to quit choosing films with this criteria in mind. Because as it turns out, the poster was much more intriguing than the film itself.

Streaming on: www.Bmovies.com

Directed by: Alvin Rakoff

Starring: Richard Crenna, George Kennedy, Sally Ann Howes

 

Rated: R

Tagline: Those who Survive the Ghost Ship are Better off Dead.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 20%

Number of times Ben has to take a leak: 3

A cruise ship is sunk by an old German ship that is run by the spirit of a ghostly captain. A small group of survivors board the ship thinking that they have been saved only to find out that the German vessel is completely empty. They are unaware that the ship is actually a former Nazi torture chamber for POWs which is possessed with the spirit of the former captain that tries killing them off one by one.

What you don’t want to miss:

  • Two ships sailing through open waters to start the credits with creepy Scooby Doo music in the background.
  • Masquerade Ball on a cruise ship has some of the stupidest costumes imaginable.
  • The German ship can’t make up it’s mind about what it wants to do.
  • Geico caveman really knows how to pick up the hot gypsy babes.
  • Mel Diamond and the Boys aren’t the most upbeat party cruise ship bands you’ll ever meet.
  • Leave the kid alone, when you got to go, you’ve got to go.
  • Since when does a cruise ship have built-in sandbox that are perfect for floating?
  • How convenient was it that the whole family survived while in totally different parts of the ship? Not as convenient that the captain washes up to the small sandbox in the middle of the ocean.
  • Like I said before, when you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go.
  • Rusty old stairs, they sure don’t make them like they used to.
  • Que really bad music please!
  • Ever had a ghost ship take a dump in your face?
  • Great, all these ship captains on board and not a single one knows  how to stop the winch. Ghost ship waterboarding?
  • From the looks of that bathroom, I can see why the kid pissed on the deck instead.
  • The boat still looks like crap even if it’s filmed upside down. Makes one a bit dizzy to watch actually.
  • Hey Ben, nice argyle pajamas!
  • Oh god, the record is playing  more Mel Diamond and the Boys, it IS hell.
  • Can you hear me now? Damn.
  • Did the Germans make it a habit of watching American movies on their ships?
  • Well since you can’t brush your teeth, one might as well eat a mint or two.
  • Hey captain, I’m afraid that’s not the way you perform the Heimlich.
  • You know that possession is 9/10 of the law right?
  • Damn kid must have a bladder control problem. And he hasn’t washed his hands yet.
  • Nice butt!
  • Shirtless or shitless? What is it?
  • Hey Carrie, they’re all going to laugh at you, Carrie.
  • Boobs!
  • Hapless lady, does she not know how to turn the shower off?
  • Don’t scare the poor boy, you know he’s just going to have to pee again.
  • Mannequin or human, you decide. Slut overboard!!!
  • Look at all those gold teeth. Little Wayne, eat your heart out.
  • I’m betting all the people who paid to see this movie feel like ripping down the screen and trashing the projector too.
  • Anyone else get lost somewhere between the movie room and the captain’s cabin?
  • Meat locker full of soldiers is always a good place for supplies.
  • For god sakes Nick, it’s just a bunch of skeletons, don’t be such a diva.
  • Someone might want to tell Captain Ashland,  that’s not the way you play bloody knuckles.
  • Where can I get some of those pants that lace up in the back Capt. Trevor?
  • Captain Crazy apparently doesn’t know anything about the riccocheting of bullets.
  • Nice stunt work. Not the most graceful of falls by the captain, but impressive non-the-less. Let’s give him a hand…wait for it.
  • And we end the same way we started.

Dreadful Dialogue:

“It’s as if it’s deliberately trying to ram us.”

“What is it with this ship? It’s like it’s running itself.”

“Is this Hitler?” – “Not quite, the King of England?”

“This damn ship!” – “It’s like it’s alive trying to kill us!”

“Would you like to steer her?”

“Where do you plan to sail her?” – “Eternity, Marshall…eternity.”

“I’m scared.” – “You’re scared? I’m scared shirtless.” – “It’s shitless…oops.”

The Final Word:

For the fact that this film has two pretty big stars in Richard Crenna and George Kennedy, I wasn’t all that terrible. The problem with the movie was that it tried to make itself too scary. What do I mean by that? Well between all the dialogue and long drawn out scenes with characters rummaging around for supplies, there were strange camera angles and sudden sounds to try to make a viewer jump with fright. With the popularity of the The Shining at the time this film was made, the director threw in some “flash forward” sequences that were meant to be for a scare as well. All of these ended up making the film look cheesy and dumb.  The plot was kind of disjointed at times and the whole Nazi torture ship really was a pointless reveal at the end of the film. Despite being a horror film, any real violence was only implied and other than a blood shower scene, there was no gore. Not your typical horror film.

Some film buffs might enjoy this, but there were just too many slow and droll scenes for my liking. And as far as horror/thriller films goes, this one is not one of the better films in the genre. For that reason, I’m only giving this film 2.5 turds.

death-ship-3

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Introducing: The Versatile Blogger Award (2013)

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This is my very first blogging award nomination and I am greatly appreciative of Mike at Mike’s Film Talk for sending a nomination my way. While this blog is some good ol’ casual fun for me, you should really head over to Mike’s blog and check out not only movie reviews, but an appreciation of literature as well.

Being new to this type of thing, but seeing similar rewards on other sites that I follow, I know that there are rules that are supposed to be followed. So, here are the rules to this particular award. Have fun!

Versatile Blogger Award – Rules for those who wish to participate

1. In a post on your blog, nominate 10 fellow bloggers for The Versatile Blogger Award; and link to them.
2. In the same post, add the Versatile Blogger Award.
3. In the same post, thank the blogger who nominated you in a post with a link back to their blog.
4. In the same post, share 10 completely random pieces of information about yourself.
5. In the same post, include this set of rules.
6. Inform each nominated blogger of their nomination by posting a comment on each of their blogs.

Thanks so much again to MikesFilmTalk for the nomination!

And now for my 10 nominations (In no certain order)

1. Bad Movie Nite

2. The B-Horror Blog

3. BadMovies.org

4. With a Friend Like Gary

5. Wide World of Cult

6. Cinema Schiminema

7. Monthly Midnight Movie Exchange

8.  90s Horror Movies

9.  Bad Film Friday

10. B-Movie Brigade

And now for the 10 Random Facts about me:

1. I was a trained weather spotter for two years. My friends and I chased tornadoes around the Midwest.

2. I was named runner-up as a Kansas Elementary Teacher of the Year.

3. When I was younger, I believe that I was visited by a ghost in the house I grew up in.

4. I am in the process of writing a children’s novel.

5. Over the course of one summer, I lost 50 pounds by going off of a makeshift diet of eating Reeses Fast Break bars one day and a liquid diet for two days. I did this for three whole months. I have been able to keep most of it off since then.

6. I am the founder of a large youth sports organization in my hometown, basketball being my favorite.

7. I absolutely HATE spiders! My hatred of spiders came from when I was little after watching the movie “Kingdom of the Spiders” starring Wlliam Shatner late at night. The part that scared me the most was when the spiders started coming out of the vents in the bathrooms. Our bathroom had those same type of vents.

8. I have an aversion to bare feet. They completely gross me out. Yes, I have a pair of my own, but I don’t sit and stare at them. I think my disgust comes from years of working summer camp and having kid feet climbing all over me while swimming. Blah!!!

9. For seven years, I worked with the Chicago Bears and helped run their Punt, Pass, and Kick competitions.

10. I love going to rock concerts and I like most types of music, a guilty pleasure of mine is listening  to movie scores.

Introducing: At the Earth’s Core (1976)

At-the-Earths-CoreLong week, crappy weather, and not enough time to relax. Why not watch something that looks cheesy. Looks like At the Earth’s Core may just do the trick…or not.

Directed by: Kevin Connor

Starring: Peter Cushing, Doug McClure, Caroline Munro, Bobby Parr

Rated: PG

Tagline: They’re in it DEEP now!

Rotten Tomatoes: 33%

A wealthy young engineer puts his support into Dr. Perry’s newest invention, a drill that will drill through very thick layers of rock. While on it’s inaugurral run through the Earth, the drill called Iron Mole, breaks down about halfway through the diameter of the Earth. The two  decide to leave their drill and go exploring. While out of their vehicle. they are greeted with a whole different world located underneath the surface of the Earth complete with lush plant life, strange prehistoric creatures, and some grunting natives the have a propensity for dragging slaves all over. The two are captured and taken into the caves where they learn the secret of the underground world and the purpose for the slavery.

Things you won’t want to miss:

  • Don’t be fooled, this is no Tarzan.
  • Hey Doc, I’m not so sure your Iron Mole is going to be able to just do a 180 and go back. It’s a drill for god sakes.
  • This movie doesn’t waste any time getting to the middle of the Earth.
  • What an extraordinary sky, it looks so much like a sound stage.
  • There are even hot chicks at the Earth’s core.
  • Can you spot the black man with the blond afro? Seems a bit out of place, even in the middle of the Earth.
  • Yummy, large wild boar looking monsters feeding on puppets looks like an outtake from Team America. Be careful they’ll bite your ass.
  • Let the battle of the boars begin!! A horn to the junk will always get you a win.
  • Can anyone speak “out of tune radio frequency” so we can understand the Sagoths?
  • Let’s all be mesmerized by the giant shell-less tortoises with wings.
  • Warning: Tripping down stairs will get you a spanking with a wooden Q-Tip!
  • Since when would a Doctor know how to read a strange underground language. And why is he allowed to keep his umbrella? And a pocketknife too?
  • Don’t make the pig people mad or they’ll smack the ground with their horse tail whips.
  • Intense fight scene looks more like a rough foreplay scene between two lovers.
  • Feed me Seymour!!
  • Time to kiss and make up. “I am called David.” – “My name is Ra, and I speak perfect English. What other language do you think is spoken underground?”
  • If the girls don’t get caught by the reptile birds, then the wires surely will.
  • I fell in to a burning ring of fire.
  • Ole! Ole! Dodge the charging Hippocroc. Come on David, you’re the one with the freakin’ trident. Use the damn thing.
  • Ra must have been watching how Leia killed Jabba
  • Looking for volunteers brave enough to run through the fire curtain. Ahhh…I see we have at least one taker.
  • Sagoths have got to be the wimpiest and dumbest drone troopers I’ve ever seen.
  • Mahars originate from one big ass hard boiled egg.
  • Fire breathing frogs explode on impact.
  • Dr. Perry’s bow making skills could make him a dangerous contender in this year’s Hunger Games.
  • David’s tips on how to man-handle a woman. #1: Be Masterful!
  • Where did all these plastic plants come from?
  • Jubel isn’t so ugly, but smoking mushrooms are a weakness of his.
  • Sargoths are mind controlled to run like a troupe of cheerleaders.
  • Ra can kick some ass with a knife in his back…oh wait, it’s disappeared.
  • The Pulp Fiction Samuel L. Jackson sure shoots a mean arrow.
  • Fourth of July comes early inside the caves.
  • It’s a wig party!!
  • Best outfit Dia has worn all movie. She’s about to fall out of that top.
  • Where did the “launch” rigging come from? Did they build it from all the plastic plants in this underground land?
  • I don’t know about you, but I think  a drilling machine coming up from the Earth might be a breach of White House security. And the gardeners thought the mole’s were the only problem on the White House lawn.

Dorky Dialogue:

“Well if we’re not on Earth doc then where the hell are we? – From my observations dear friend I can positively state that we are under it.”

“Took me longer to graduate from geological engineering , than any other man in life.”

“Oh they’re so excitable, like all foreigners.”

“David, have you ever thought about going to the moon?”

“You can not mesmerize me, I’m British!”

THE FINAL WORD:

Oh boy, where do I begin? First off, this ambitious film is greatly hampered by it’s apparent lack of budget. The whole movie was obviously shot on a sound stage, with a strange purple hue with painted mountains and rocks in the background. Throughout the movie there were creatures thrown in simply for the effect of having monsters and thus giving way to the various creatures in this underground world. The creatures themselves were nothing more than people in suits ala Godzilla. Probably the most humorous effect of the whole film was a scene in which one of the creatures grabs and sinks his teeth into one of the slaves. This alone, is reason enough to watch the film. The dinosaur’s, including Peter Cushing’s, movements were pretty stiff and non-threatening. The special effects were nothing spectacular and consisted of a projection in the background with action in the foreground and fireworks as explosives. The sets were a wasteland of plaster and plastic plants, with some pools of fire thrown in for extra added effect. The film’s actor’s all showed off their chops at over-acting all the way down to the frequency grunting pig-people. Man, could they brandish a mean whip. The film’s hero, David, is a bit on the wimpy side. The cheesiness of Ra, and the curves of Munro do add to the appeal for sure. The dialogue is a bit tongue-in-cheek while trying to explain some aspects of the film’s plot, but amazingly doesn’t attempt to explain some of the story’s obvious flaws. I would be amiss if I said that this movie didn’t at least deserve a watching. With that I am giving this one 3.5 turds because I’m sure everyone will want to see tribe of underground slave people in bad wigs dance away in celebration.

at the earths core fight

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