Monthly Archives: July 2013

One Year Already? We grow up so fast.

It was exactly one year ago today when a bored cord cutter needed something to watch on TV and had to rely on Internet streaming services to satisfy that need. That’s right, Reel ExStream turns one year old today. Happy Birthday to us! Hard to believe that we have watched 40+ movies on those streaming services, all of varying degrees of horribleness.  I sometimes wonder if there will be enough movies to continue posting, but then I remembered, as long as The Asylum keeps producing movies, there will always be plenty of film to poop on.

To everyone who has Favorited, followed, commented, and shared via our blog, I give you a big THANK YOU! That is what makes the writing so much fun. Let’s hope our next year continues to be just as much fun. Now let’s go find more crap to watch!

 

Advertisements

Introducing: Bloody Birthday (1981)

bloody birthday coverThis week marks a large milestone for our little piece of heaven on the web we have here. This week, we turn one year old! A whole year and my how we’ve grown. Unfortunately, haven’t matured a whole heck of a lot and our taste in movies hasn’t gotten any better either. So to celebrate our impending first birthday, I’ve decided to watch a classic piece of masterful cinema about a birthday, the film, Bloody Birthday. I mean what better way to celebrate your birthday with a cheesy movie about killer kids? How can one go wrong with that surefire premise. Right? If one wanted to spend about 83 minutes of mindless movie watching, this one just might take the cake (pun intended). To help, we’ve listed the most important things to take away from the film.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Ed Hunt

Starring: Lori Lethin, Melina Cordell, Billy Jacoby, Andy Freeman, Elizabeth Hoy, K.C. Martel

Rated: R

Tagline: The Nightmare Begins with the Kids Next Door

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 0% Critics – 41% Audience

Number of

Plot: Three children are born during a solar eclipse and have their blood lust seemingly awakened ten years later. They begin to leave a bloody trail of friends and family in their small community. It’s a classmate and neighbor kid who seems suspicious of them and along with his older sister, try their best to stop the three little heathens.

Things you won’t want to miss:

  • No budget wasted on the opening credits that’s for sure – plain white lettering on black with a creepy piano playing in the background.
  • It’s a boy, it’s girl, and it’s a boy! With a birth, shouldn’t dilation be getting bigger?  Oops, nevermind it’s a lunar eclipse.
  • Boobs!
  • Ohhh baby, loving the pink ribbon tied around the neck. What a hottie!
  • Ah, remember the good old days of school? When children sat quietly in rows and police officers could come and interrogate them about the local murder?
  • Boobs!
  • Careful little fellas, you’re liable to make another hole on that wall a little lower.
  • Dancing sister really likes the color red (bra – when she’s wearing it, panties, pants, and halter top)
  • For a ten year old boy, that is sixty cents well spent.
  • Little Steven is trying to show off for his girlfriend by having batting practice with her dad’s head. How romantic.
  • Hide and Seek is a lot of fun until someone gets locked in a refrigerator. Thankfully for Timmy he’s a young MacGyver.
  • Even at ten years old, girls are already crazy about scrapbooking.
  • You can tell it’s the early 80’s when teachers are more concerned about being snuck upon than having a gun pointed at their face.
  • Sometimes paper towels can’t decide if they want to be on the floor or not.
  • Play Doctor? Sounds like little Debbie has a secret crush on Timmy, the little rascal.
  • First a dead teacher falls on you and then a random car tries to run her over in a junkyard. Poor Joyce is not having a very good day.
  • Who knew Saturn was so important to the morals and virtues of mankind.
  • Important Note to Parents #1: Plastering posters of Deborah Henry and Erik Estrada on the bedroom walls will make your teens horny.
  • Boobs, butt, and BANG!
  • Did the clown steal the “I CAN’T SAY NO” t-shirt from the red bra and panties sister?
  • Damn it, that cake looked good too.
  • Be careful with that arrow, you’ll shoot your eye out!
  • Apparently Nugget the dog needs another eye as well.
  • Now Steven, we all saw you take a glance over at the camera (1:12:13)
  • Kind of hard to strangle someone when their boob gets in the way.
  • Nice shot, right through Eddie Van Halen’s head!
  • Most creative way of stopping a killer, dump a smelly fish bowl over his head.
  • After shooting thirteen bullets, that six-shooter should be empty.

Killer Quotes:

“You wanna play ambulance?”

“That bell does not mean that you are dismissed, it is a signal only for me to dismiss you.”

“Honestly Beverly, he’s got a mind like an X-Rated soap opera.” (Is there such a thing?)

“But what if she catches us?” – “No way. Her brains are in her bra.”

“You wanna play doctor?”

“Watch what you’re saying, he’s never told a lie in his life.” (Well then, just your typical 10 year old I guess.)

“Don’t worry mommy, from now on I’m going to be a good little girl.”

THE FINAL WORD:

If I could sum this film up in one word it would be…creepy. Creepy because of the premise of the film and creepy because unfortunately, there could be some kids today that have the same thoughts as the three young serial killers in the movie. This is definitely a movie that would not have been made today due to the content and the current state of our nation. One could also argue that creepy would also describe the trio of young actors at the center of the film. They were actually pretty good. In fact, the best acted part of the whole film was the child actors. Billy Jacoby played the sadistic, evil, and smart, Curtis, particularly well and has a psychotic look in his eye. One scene in particular that made me appreciate a couple of other child actors was one in which two of them were sitting on their porch discussing the murder of a friend. The hurt in their eyes looked genuine. The adults in the film were just there as fluff and to give them someone to kill. As a whole, the film is morbidly entertaining. The dialogue is nothing spectacular and the script has about as much disregard for the plot as the child killers did for their victims. The music was a hacked up mixture of Jaws and Friday the 13th but not distracting. If that isn’t enough, then have fun seeing the clothes, household furniture and surroundings, and other items that were reminiscent of the early 80’s. Call it generosity due to our own birthday or a macabre personality, but I actually had some fun with this movie. A lot of similarities to another film we watched earlier called The Children. The movie gets 1.5 turds and I suggest that others give it a chance.

bloody birthday capture 001

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Introducing: DragonQuest (2009)

dragonquest-2009-coverNothing says “horrible movie” than a direct to DVD fantasy adventure. And The Asylum production company is never one to let us down. The latest film I watched was a hero’s quest to save the kingdom. And believe me when I tell you that the quest was a total waste of time for both film watchers and apparently script writers.  You will go on a difficult quest yourself by trying to  make it through this movie in one sitting without getting up to do something else or restart because you fell asleep, which trust me, is more difficult of a quest than that of the film’s hero. So to help you make it through the movie, I’ve provided you with some of the most important parts of the film.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Mark Atkins

Starring: Marc Singer (the f’n Beastmaster!), Daniel Bonjour, Jason Connery, Brian Thompson, Jennifer Dorogi

Rated: PG-13

Tagline: Our fate lies in the hands of one.

Rotten Tomato Score: 11%

Number of color changes to Arkadi’s shirt: 4

Plot: A young boy (mildly) is forced to be a hero and complete a series of quests to find the precious stones of virtue and piece together a medallion that will help him defeat a dragon conjured up by an evil ancient warlord.

Important things you won’t want to miss:

  • Impressive sweeping landscapes to open the movie
  • Squeezing the blood out of a necklace summons shadow dragons. Wait what?
  • Meanwhile at Hansel and Gretel’s cabin…
  • Typical teenager, smoking magic dust and perving on the neighbor girl.
  • Fire Dragons tend to be the most intimidating, except to teenagers.
  • CGI castle is home to many angry actors
  • Epic battle 300 style, with animated blood spatter and severed head. THIS IS SPARTA…no, it’s not, it’s crap.
  • Talking dragons makes old people commit suicide.
  • Don’t mess with scantily clad women wielding sticks and powerful legs.
  • In my day, Maxim was the name of a men’s magazine not a Beastmaster trying to talk like a pirate. Arrrrrr.
  • Marc Singer (Maxim) has quite the rubber face. Somebody give that guy some prunes, it seems as though he needs to take a poop.
  • Eight foot river monster lives in a creek that looks to be only 5 feet across. That’s one deep ass creek bed.
  • Safety Tips for Kids #1: You must control the urge to smoke a tin foil star covered blunt while in the belly of a beast.
  • The Keeper must be brave to put a jewel from the green sparkly belly of a river monster in their mouth. Gross.
  • I don’t suppose anyone could get that vendor a pair of finger nail clippers?  How does she wipe for God-sake?
  • Oh lovely, nothing like a chain breaking and sleeping bearded guy montage to make the movie drag on even more.
  • And the point of the large exoskeleton spider was what? Other than a reason to use some bad CGI effects? And wow, that has to be the most brightly lit cave I’ve ever seen.
  • Well, that’s one gem that I wouldn’t have gotten. It’s in the tub for me!
  • Seems like the jewels of the medallion are just laying all over the place and everyone has one.
  • Safety Tips for Kids #2: Never follow a Vulcan-like man into a tent by yourself. Nothing good will come of it.
  • Note the ease that Maxim the Knight takes out the most worthless group of minions ever.
  • Arkadi, I’d be frustrated to, I mean you’ve worked so hard to find the gem stones, considering most of them were just given to you.
  • Not only do Kirill’s minions attack one at a time, but they also use plastic swords to do it.
  • Light/Ice Dragon is like a fully grown Pokeman creature.
  • Five minutes of non-climatic plasma beam fight between hero and villain ends in forced facial expressions.

Dialogue:

“What’s in your pouch boy?” (That’s probably not something you should be asking a young boy.)

“He became blind to the greatest virtue of all, humility.”

“I didn’t ask for this. I don’t want it.”

“The bed’s not soft, but the latrine is convenient.” (So just shit anywhere you want, the writers seemed to.)

“The virtues in the stones, will match the virtues in the man. The power lies in you.”

THE FINAL WORD:

DragonQuest is not a good movie. There, I didn’t beat around the bush. Despite the awesome and gorgeous landscape shots that were seen throughout the film, they were not enough to save this movie from itself. The plot features one of the lamest quests ever seen in film. The hero had to do absolutely nothing to get the gems with the exception of one. It seems as though everyone has a gem to give out thus not making the hero go through hardly any danger to receive the gems to complete his quest. And come to find out, that he doesn’t even find the all the gems. The fight scenes were lacking of any type of creative choreography to consider this an action movie. The fights consisted of the same pattern every time and goes as follows: Villain swings, hero ducks, hero grabs villain’s arm and swings their weapon for the “kill”. While the acting is not great, it is rather serviceable considering the story. If this film starred Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp, it still would not have been enough to make this movie any less painful to watch. 4 fiery dragon turds for this one.

dragonquest capture 1

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

In the Meantime…

sharknado posterBeen a couple of weeks since I’ve had a chance to sit and review a cheesy flick on one of my video streams. It’s summertime and I’ve have been more than busy. So until I can get some time to relax, let me tempt you with a film that is sure to be streaming at some point but can be reviews this week courtesy of the SyFy Channel.

Bet my word that this film is perfect turd material. Leave it to the SyFy Channel and Shark week to never let us down.

 

 

Sharknado – Trailer —

http://www.syfy.com/videos/Syfy%20Movies/Promos%20&%20Trailers/vid:2659154

Tagged , , ,