Category Archives: Crackle

Introducing: April Fool’s Day (1986)

april fools dayApril Fool’s Day. The day known for many a plan of pranks and highjinx among those who we consider friends and family. Working with kids all day long, I have to listen to the constant joke about open flies or untied shoes and usually the most creative pranks come from the adults that I work with. Needing a little more substance to my April Fool’s Day, I saw that Netflix and Crackle were both streaming an appropriately named movie, April Fool’s Day. As I saw the movie’s cover art showing a lady holding a knife behind her back in front of a number of laughing friends with her pony tail in the form of a noose, it brought back memories of seeing it on the movie shelves when going to the video store when I was younger. So, with those memories on my mind, I loaded up the film, sat back and relaxed and hoped that I wasn’t going to be the one getting pranked.

Streaming on: Netflix, Crackle

Directed by: Fred Walton

Starring: Jay Baker, Thomas F. Wilson, Deborah Goodrich, Ken Olandt, Griffin O’Neal

Rated: R

Tagline: Guess who’s going to be the life of the party?

Rotten Tomatoes: 36%

Number of April Fool’s Day Pranks: no less than 15

A group of college friends make plans for a week long getaway on the small private island of a good friend. As the group enters the island, they enjoy playing a few April Fool’s Day pranks on each other. As the week progresses, the friends start to disappear mysteriously and turn up dead. While the friends try to solve the reason for the killings, a young couple, Kitt and Rob, begin to put clues together to find out who the killer is. As the friends continue to be picked off one by one, Kitt and Rob, confront the weekend’s hostess, Muffy, about the murders. Muffy however, has something in store for them and shows her true intentions of inviting the guests to the island.

Things you don’t want to miss:

  • We are looking at the beginning of the shaky hand held cam movie troupe.
  • Biff gives it up on the first date.
  • Scariest music box of all time!
  • Muffy is such an unfortunate name.
  • Video cameras have come a long way since they required an over the shoulder bag.
  • Never read that version of Treasure Island in high school, I probably would have been more attentive.
  • Come on fella, everyone knows you don’t catch a knife with your stomach. Let the pranks begin.
  • Hang on to that eye so you don’t lose it.
  • When Barbie dolls hold your place at the table, you know it’s a classy affair.
  • The farts are supposed to come after the beans, not before.
  • Watch out for booby traps before going to bed.
  • What the hell kind of position is that? The Spiderman?
  • No one can have sex in this film without having someone peeping on them.
  • Snakes! Why does it always have to be snakes?
  • Those boots belong to someone who can make the earth move.
  • Ding Dong Dell, pussy’s in the well…along with some heads.
  • Apparently Lorena Bobbitt  is a guest on the island.
  • We all knew that Ned had been hanging around too long. Cue rimshot sound here.
  • Grown women playing with Barbies is always a bad sign.
  • The guests end up being quite the cast of characters.
  • Yikes, that music box is just as scary. *Wink*

Foolish Dialogue:

“Nice? It’s gonna to be bloody unbelievable.”

“Hey guy, your fly is open and your Hostess Twinkie is hangin’ out.”

“Please god, let it be Ding-Dongs!”

“Sometimes, with the tides, it could take somebody all night to get here from the main land. Yet sometimes, they don’t make it.”

“You can just take that thing and shove it right back in your pants kiddo.”

“Arch, you browned your trou(sers).”

THE FINAL WORD:

During the 80’s many movies tried to capture the popularity of the slasher movie craze. Throughout the many movies that were made, this gave audiences a chance to sit back, watch, and even accept some mindless and over the top death scenes as well as some teenage sex and nudity. Thinking that this is along the same vain that this film was going to fall into as well, I didn’t have too much hope for it. The beginning of the film started off as many other slasher films do with it’s character development. At first I was getting frustrated that all of the “killings” were all done off screen and implied. This was upsetting me because I thought I had tuned in to a slasher film for god’s sake. The cast of this movie, while no one was up for an Oscar due to their performance, wasn’t bad at all. In fact, a bit enjoyable, and each had their own distinct personality.   And hey, it has the guy who played Biff in it!! The film’s score wasn’t terrible and reminded me of the X-Files theme. I kept waiting to see Fox and Mulder pop up in various scenes. The movie’s plot wasn’t all too deep, at least at first thought. But as it played out, the title became more and more relevant to me. I am not about to spoil the movie’s ending, but I must say I didn’t see it coming. And then, I realized why the trouble was spent not having the “slashing” on screen. And as far as I am concerned this was a pleasant surprise and a creative break from the serial-killer/slasher movies of it’s time. And I warn you, this is not your typical “scary slasher flick”. It is with this slight praise and enjoyment that I give this film a 1.5 turd rating.

april fools day 3

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Introducing: Spacehunter: Adventure into the Forbidden Zone (1983)

spacehunter posterAs I was growing up, my brother and I were in awe of and loved the Star Wars movies, and wanted to watch them any chance we could. It was during this time, that Hollywood decided to ride the success of the Star Wars trilogy and pop out several low-budget space adventures. Along with my dad, we always rented any space movie that we felt had that same kind of science fiction vibe that those early Lucas movies did, obviously without much luck. However, this did bring us movies such as The Ice Pirates (that I LOVED growing up) and Battle Beyond the Stars, there were also a bunch of bad space adventures. This is why I was excited to see the 1983 film, Spacehunter in the list of films on Crackle. As I began watching it, I started to wonder if I had made the right decision or not to devote 90 minutes of my time to this film. You can take a look at the notes below to see some of the highlights of this space adventure that lacks a little time in space.

Streaming on: Crackle

Directed by: Lamont Johnson

Starring: Peter Strauss, Molly Ringwald, Michael Ironside, Ernie Hudson

Rated: PG

Tagline: Journey with Wolff and Nikki, an interstellar adventurer and young rebel. On a mission to rescue three stranded women from a planet no one has warned them about. Because no one has ever returned.

Number of Parallels to Star Wars movies: 10 – anything from the pointless “Sand People” to the android villan

A space traveling vagabond desperately in need of money comes across a distress signal to save three Earth women who have landed on a planet named Terra Eleven, when their luxury starship is attacked. When Wolff arrives on Terra Eleven he is finds that the natives of the planet have just as much interest in the three women as he does. While chasing down the Earth women, Wolff meets an orphaned Molly Ringwald who invites herself to help in his search. The hero then finds out that the women were taken to the “Forbidden Zone” that is ruled by the evil and animatronic leader, Overdog.

What you will see:

  • Opening sequence jumps right out at you. Too bad we can’t see it in 3D.
  • Do not be alarmed, you are about to see a Death Star like explosion.
  • Wolff has R2D2 hidden in his ship’s console.
  • Emergency repair procedure #1 usually works for me too.
  • Cool pirate ships can sail across sand, too bad it’s so easy to knock it out of commission.
  • Twisting a neck so that it cracks renders Earth girls unconscious instead of death.
  • Hang gliders tend to sweep girls off of their feet.
  • Hope Wolff kept the warranty on his hot android chick.
  • Spacehunter’s version of Tusken Raiders
  • Washington is lucky that his gun is the floating kind.
  • Overdog wants the girl undressed. His name should be Horndog. Does he have another piece of metal that the audience can’t see that he feels the need to satisfy?
  • Boobs!! Oh gross. Now we know what it would look like if the Michelin Man went on a diet.
  • Amphibious women are nymphomaniacs and are looking for breeders.
  • Water women are scared to death of water dragons.
  • Watch out for the mutated children, they throw bombs.
  • The maze is the Forbidden Zone’s equivalent to the TV show, Wipeout!
  • You can kill the villain’s right hand man by squeezing his baggie of toothpaste.
  • Plastic piping is always good for enclosing electrical wiring.
  • Bet it was fun blowing up that scale model.

Award Winning Dialogue:

“The police called from the 42 Sector you’ve got 105 parking tickets. I think you should take care of that.”

“Find them yourself Earther, we have blood loss here.”

“If you give me some nibbles and take me for some wheels, I’ll take you to them.”

“You, your like fly shit on a window…”

“They call me Nikki the Twister because I wriggle into small places.”

“Second bath in two days, I ought to be good for the next year.”

“Are they missing limbs? I just hate it when they are missing limbs.”

“They sure have come a long way from Monday Night Football.”

The Final Word:

I am going to confess right off the bat, that I did find this movie to be pretty enjoyable. It wasn’t anywhere close to my favorite movie by any means, but considering the other garbage I’ve seen and reviewed in earlier blog posts, this could be considered “the best of the worst.” The plot is serviceable. It tells a pretty straight forward and easy to follow story. As the film progressed, I couldn’t help but notice that there were a lot of things borrowed from prior science-fiction and adventure movies, most notably Star Wars. There were hints of Mad Max and even Indiana Jones thrown in as well. The film started off rather interesting, but seemed to get lost in it’s own ambition and need to pile in a plethora of creatures and peril to give the film a purpose. Other than the people, there are a total of five different alien beings living on this planet that the group comes in contact with. The creatures could be intriguing and interesting however the characters interact with them for a total of about three minutes, not each, but in total. I wished there would have been more interaction between the two. However, obviously not as good as the Star Wars films, the sets weren’t god awful. The “Forbidden Zone” seemed to be a bit cramped and trashy. The futuristic vehicles I thought were really well done too. My main turn off of the film was it’s villain, Overdog. Played by Michael Ironside, Overdog never really seemed like much of a threat. He was hanging cyborg who was kept alive by some breathing apparatus. While encased in a large body suit with large long metal claws, Overdog oddly was able to move quickly and freely around the zone without effort. His most threatening feature was the long claw-like arms that he didn’t really use to put others in danger with. He most intimidating feature was his gravely voice that he used to yell at everyone.

While not a must see action/adventure film, Spacehunter: Adventure in the Forbidden Zone, was mildly entertaining and I felt just fell short of something really fun. So it is with that reason that I give this film 1.5 turds out of 5 dreaded turds.

spacehunter villan

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The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies (1964)

If you are in the mood for a good zombie movie with a lot of scares and grotesque scenes of eating brains and munching on humans, then stay totally clear of this complete disaster. Calling this film a B-Movie is giving it two grades higher than it deserves. I had the dubious honor of watching this incredibly strange creature of a film. The good thing is that since I decided to take one for the team, you can now use that 84 minutes to write the lyrics to your own unintelligible song about nothing in particular.

Streaming on: Crackle

Directed by: Ray Dennis Steckler

Starring: Cash Flagg, Carolyn Brandt, Brett O’Hara

Rated: R

Tagline: A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters…

Jerry and his friend, Harold, take his girlfriend on an evening out by going to the local amusement park complete with fortune teller and dance hall full of “strippers”. After visiting the fortune teller and receiving information that was undesirable, Jerry decides to ditch the girlfriend and spend his evening watching the dance hall girls. While watching, Jerry is invited back stage, by the hideouly handsome, Ortega, strange things happen to Jerry that turn him into a cold blooded killer. What about the zombies you ask? Don’t bother.

What you would be missing:

      • One horned up Fortune Teller…with a gigantic mole on her face and a bad fake tan.
      • Maybe if she used that poison on her own face, she might get rid of that mole.
      • Dubbed in scream from what is sure to be an impressive acting performance. For crying out loud lady it’s just a cat. And please God, tell me that’s not the same teddy bear that I had growing up.
      • Two swinging guys riding in a shag’on wagon.
      • Holy hair do! – Nice dramatic chipmunk moment there Angie.
      • Hey let’s go to the amusement park over there. That looks like fun.
      • Probably the most disturbing and annoying ticket vendor I’ve ever seen.
      • Oh those wacky teens, just having a good time. I’ve never felt so giddy and happy that I feel the need to randomly hop like someone lit a firecracker in my ass.
      • A dull and lame stand up comedy routine. Where’s Michael Richards when you need him?
      • And I thought shaky cams in today’s films were nauseating.
      • Wow, who was the set designer on this film…Yikes! Looks like the film was made for $38,000, oh wait, it was.
      • Damn that death card about as terrifying as getting the Old Maid!
      • What a waste of fifty cents.
      • Ortega sure is an ugly fellow, looks like a cross between Oliver Twist’s Fagin and a Walmart $2.00 Halloween mask.
      • We all know those two little boys at the front of the stage are just dying to go in to the stripper show, they sure have been there a long time.
      • Worst carnival show ever. – Am I the only one who can picture Adele recording this song and making it a hit?
      • The three guys in the crowd sure make a lot of noise, considering two of them weren’t clapping.
      • Man she’s good at hypnotism, I almost feel like falling asleep. Oh wait, it actually has nothing to do with her hypnotism techniques – it’s the directors.
      • I’m starting to wonder if this is supposed to be a musical or not. At least four musical numbers so far. No of them worth a damn.
      • Drunk Marge trying to dance again. That didn’t last long. Jerry comes in for the kill. Kill that mannequin, kill that mannequin.
      • Ummm…what the hell was that? I’m going to chalk that up to a filmmaker’s acid trip.
      • Good grief, another song…good thing is, we can’t understand the lyrics to the song.
      • Another dancing and musical number. Milli Vanili have nothing on this chick. She only seems to be in sync with the soundtrack on close up shots. Shick out of Shape? What the hell does that mean?
      • Oh my god, yet another undistinquishable musical number.
      • Harold, what accent is that? You sound like Jean Claude Van Damme and Arnold Schwarzenagger munching on a bag of marbles.
      • Jerry looks like a dead ringer for Eminem in that hoodie. OJ could have taken some tips from him, quite the killing spree without a drop of blood on him.
      • And the reward for most retarded looking and acting zombies goes to…this film!
      • I can totally see African tribes dancing to this same music!
      • There’s those two little kids again, for god’s sake just let them into the show will ya!
      • So, is it customary to bite your knuckles when you scream?
      • This last scene must go on forever.
      • The End…Thank the lord.

Academy Award Winning Dialogue:

“You dirty, filthy pig! So, I belong with the freaks, huh? I’ll fix you so even the freaks won’t look at you.”

“Ortega, Ortega, take him and make him like my other pets!”

“Get your tickets here. Get your tickets, get your tickets, get your tickets here!”

“Clouds affect only the cloudy”

“We have 20 beautiful girls and only ten beautiful costumes!” – Well, that was a lie on both counts.

“Look at the wheel…see how it speens.”

Well, just to let you know, there were zombies eventually. They thankfully entered the film just in time to break up one final dreadful musical number. This movie had quite the array of genres mixed in to one. Unfortunately, none of them worked really well. The film had one of the most appalling cast of actors I think I’ve ever seen. The set was not good nor was the soundtrack. However, I must say that for $38,000 one can’t expect too much. Despite it’s meager budget and lofty expectations, this film is getting the dreaded 5 turds out of 5 from me.

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