Category Archives: Hulu+

Introducing: Godzilla’s Revenge (1969)

godzilla mainIn the heart of the winter months, nothing is better than snuggling up on the couch with a warm blanket, some cocoa, and you video streaming services. I was looking for something different, something I hadn’t watched or reviewed before. Whilst surfing through my streaming resources, I found an old classic from my younger days, Godzilla!! So I prepped my self for some really bad English over dubbing and queued up the movie, Godzilla’s Revenge. This one, as I read more about it, tends to regarded as the worst Godzilla movie ever made. Well, we can be the judge of that.

Streaming on: Hulu+

Directed by: Ishiro Honda

Starring: Kenji Sahara, Tomonori Yazaki

Rated: G

Tagline: None

Number of high pitched monster growls: 50

A young boy name Ichiro has dreams that help him escape from his own reality and into one on Monster Island. This is his way of coping with his dull home life and neighborhood bullies. Monster Island is ruled by Godzilla and in his dreams, Ichiro becomes friends with Godzilla’s son, Minya, who learns how to be brave himself with the help of his father, Godzilla, as they battle with the monster Gabara.

Things you won’t want to miss:

  • Interesting monster compilation to start the title sequence.
  • Japanese children bully by jumping up and down and making funny faces at each other. Those retched souls.
  • Hey, Ichiro, nice shorty shorts.
  • Miniature computer for children? I suppose back then that was considered miniature. The tiger logo means it’s for kids.
  • Ichiro has one mean growl, either that or he is very constipated.
  • Godzilla body slamming a large praying mantis looking thing with ease, like Hulk Hogan bodyslamming Andre the Giant.
  • Monster Island is like a Jurassic Park gone wrong.
  • Minya must be the early 70’s version of Barney the Dinosaur.
  • How convenient, the bully and the bad monster have the same name. Ahhh I see the connection that the filmmakers wanted us to make. Clever, clever.
  • Little boys shouldn’t hump the grill of a car, especially one that’s being sold.
  • Godzilla must be a really good soccer player.
  • Baby Godzilla looks more like a Sid and Marty Kroft character, and why the hell can it talk? And why do I remember Godzilla’s kid being named Godzooki? Was that a Scooby Doo episode or am I just dreaming?
  • Young monsters shouldn’t smoke, all they can do is make smoke rings/plus it stunts their growth.
  • Are there any monsters on Monster Island that get a long with each other?
  • Planes that have very bad aim are easy to swat down.
  • Did you know that stepping on a lizards tail makes them breath fire?
  • Uh oh, be careful, the red mohawk is glowing, what a shocker!!
  • Apparently child abuse is allowed on the Monster Island.
  • Monster catapult – Score about a 3.5 on the landing. The Russian judge is tough.
  • Anyone else think that Ichiro is a dead ringer for the kid named Russell in the movie Up?
  • The criminals in this movie must be some of the most clumsy people ever.
  • Slow/stop motion kid fight that looks more like a forbidden dance than anything.
  • That a boy Ichiro make friends with the bullies by being one. Real smart thinking.

Dreadful Dialogue:

“No I wasn’t, I had a frat tire and the spare wasn’t even there.”

“Godzilla says that we have to fight our own battles and not be cowards.”

“Hey that car looks familiar; hey it’s my car.”

Final Word:

First of all let me say that I watched several Godzilla movies growing up. I don’t remember all the names of them, but I distinctly remember that awful growling noise that he always made.I was hoping as the title sequence rolled through, that we would have the opportunity to see all the monsters that were featured. Apparently, this movie was clipped together from pieces and parts of other Godzilla movies. And let me just get this out of the way, I hated…hated the Minya character. And with a passion too. All I could think about was Sigmund the Sea Monster when it was on the screen. I t moved exactly the same and had almost exactly the same voice. Oh yeah, and did I mentioned that it talked. Stupid. The music was exactly what you’d expect from an early 80’s movie. The acting wasn’t all that bad, but everyone had to work with such a cheesy script to begin with. I was never a huge Godzilla fan, so the lore of Godzilla escapes me. The three bipedal monsters were obviously people in costume, in fact I could have sworn that I saw the Godzilla head piece life up at least once. This film would be worth it just to watch only once if you were in to Godzilla. It doesn’t deserve any more than one viewing however. With that said, I give this film a rating of 2.5 turds, I would say it’s about middle of the road as far as terrible goes.

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Introducing: Santa Claus Conquers the Aliens (1964)

imagesThe holiday season  is our time to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, spend time with our families, make and share memories for years to come…and oh yes, wait on Christmas Eve for the arrival of Santa Claus. Everyone loves the jolly old fat man, even Hollywood. Unfortunately, Hollywood hasn’t been too kind to the right jolly old elf. And this week’s movie is no exception to that. Let me introduce you to the 1964 masterpiece known as Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Well, with a title like that, how can you go wrong? Right? This is a nice family film for the holidays so you and the whole family can cuddle up on the couch next to the fire, load up your favorite streaming service, and enjoy this Christmas classic. Our Christmas gift to you are a list of some important details that you might miss. Season’s Greetings!

Streaming on: Netflix and Hulu+

Directed by: Nicholas Webster

Starring: Leila Martin, Charles Renn, James Cahill, John Call

Tagline: Santa Brings Christmas Fun to Mars.

Rated: NR

Resused Halloween costumes: 5

Martian kids are acting depressed and all they want to do is watch the Earth shows on the video box. They even have to use sleeping dust to fall asleep…someone please help them. In an attempt to let their kids be kids, Martian leader Kimar, decides that the solution is to kidnap Santa Claus and bring him back to Mars so that he can spread happiness to Martian kids everywhere. Kimar and his henchmen run into two children, Billy and Betty, and take them as collateral damage in the kidnapping. With the help of the very scary Trog the robot, the Martians take Santa hostage and return to Mars. While on Mars, Santa agrees to spread his cheer to their kids and is opposed by Kimar’s, evil minded second-in-command, Voldar.

What you might miss:

  • Remember the days when the movie credits were actually at the beginning of the movie?
  • Wonder why this song wasn’t an instant Christmas classic?
  • Brrrr…must be cold in front of that Sears photo backdrop.
  • XBox Kinect and iDevices have nothing on those fine, fine toys.
  • Enter stage right…love the image of Saturn on the background.
  • Would someone please get that old man a lozenge?
  • Nerf gun satellite dish for the win!
  • Killer soundtrack during stock footage airplane montage.
  • The aliens made it Earth just fine, so why are they asking for directions now?
  • Come on kids, didn’t your mother ever tell you not to talk to strangers…especially green ones in tight clothes and antennae.
  • Is that really two pieces of cheddar cheese under that blinking light?
  • That space ship suddenly got a whole lot smaller when it landed. Must be that damn North Pole pressure.
  • If you’re so cold Betty, I’m not so sure sitting on a block of ice in a short dress is going to help.
  • Ahhhh…dear god, someone help those poor children, it the world’s scariest polar bear. With movement like a crawling human, fur like a cheap Halloween costume, growls like a jaguar, how can those kids not be scared to death.
  • Watch out for the silver refrigerator box with the bucket head. I think Betty just crapped her pants.
  • Whoa! Hey there Billy you better watch your mouth young man. Is calling an alien a martian the same as calling a black man the “N” word?
  • Best use of toilet plungers I think I’ve ever seen.
  • More stock footage please.
  • Oh Santa and his funny jokes. Made the alien Zack Galifianakis laugh. He might need some new material around the kids though.
  • Martians aren’t very good fighters. I think Voldor’s antennae got bent.
  • I think that is probably the creepiest laugh of any Santa Claus I’ve ever heard. Even creepier are Bomar’s donkey teeth.
  • Is that a pillow in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
  • The Three Stooges on Mars with some of the fanciest tools ever.
  • Hold a martian at gunpoint and he does a pirouette.
  • Another intense martian fight scene. BAM! POW! SLAM!
  • Secret to taking out martians is toys, confetti, bubbles, and horrible background music.

Quotes to bring you Christmas joy:

“S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S…Hooray for Santy Claus!”

“I forgot how to sleep, so I was just practicing.”

“Kidnap the Sandy Claws, tie him up real tight; throw away the key and then just turn out the lights.” – oops, wrong movie

“Are you a television set?”

“Golly!” yeah kids just don’t say that anymore.

“You won’t get away with this you…you…you martian!”

“By the great dark star, Santa’s treating him like a toy!”

“What’s round and soft and you put on a stick and you toast on a fire, and it’s green? A martianmellow!”

“Ahh…Balderdash and a fiddle-dee-dee.”

“Merry Christmas, Dropo Claus is here!”

“Hang up that Mistletoe, soon you’ll hear Ho! Ho! Ho! – On Christmas day you’ll wake up and you’ll say- Hooray for Santy Claus. Hooray for Santy Claus!”

Throughout this movie, I couldn’t help but think that this movie was an elementary school Christmas play. The sets, costumes, and acting would be about the same quality, and like the movie, the best acting would be done by the kids. This movie is just too easy to make fun of, and I have not passed up any opportunities to do so. With that said, I did somewhat enjoy the film. Not that it was any good, but it made me laugh and I can totally see a family enjoying this movie together. Anything that can bring a family together and entertain them has some respect in my book. Okay, enough sweet things to say, I’m giving this movie 3 turds out of 5 due to their crappy sets, costumes, and terrible acting adults.  Ahhh…Merry Christmas!

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Raiders of the Living Dead (1986)

 

What can be more exciting around Halloween than zombies? Zombies are a big draw in recent years with TV series like AMC’s “The Walking Dead”, and several big budget films that feature the undead. With that thought in mind, now think back to the days of your youth when we all would stay up late to watch “Up All Night” on the USA Network. We stayed up late because we knew those B-movies were cheesy, and although edited of all the gore and skin, we movies our parents didn’t want us watching. What we tend to forget however, was the fact there were some really crappy movies shown during that segment. I believe that I have uncovered the daddy of them all as it relates to awful B-movies, Raiders of the Living Dead. I thought that might be something related to Halloween in the 85 minutes of film, but I was proven wrong yet again. So, if you are brave enough to search for this movie in your video stream, I suggest that you put it on fast forward and just read through the highlights from the movie we’ve provided. Trust me, you’ll get more for the highlights than you would from the film anyway.

Streaming on: Hulu+

Directed by: Samuel Sherman

Starring: Scott Schwartz, Robert Deveau, Donna Asali, Bob Allen

Tagline: They hunt down Zombies who feed on Human meals.

Number of soundtrack sales:  Zero!

Synopsis:

As the film begins, a terrorist hijacks a tank truck and takes it, the driver, and some casual hostages into a chemical plant, where he is overpowered and killed by a tough black cop with a bit of a strut. Why do I mention this? I don’t know as it has nothing, and I mean nothing to do with the rest of the film. A newspaper reporter follows a story out to an old correctional institute where he believes something unnatural is going on. After he is chased from the facility by something scary, he is bound and determined to get to the bottom of what he saw. Not worried one bit that the lady he went out there with is now a zombie snack. After being picked up on the road by a “concerned citizen”, Morgan the reporter, develops a crush for his savior and together they go out and laugh uncontrollably at a Three Stooges movie.(At this point, you might be starting to wonder, what is the point of this movie? Trust me, I watched the whole thing and still don’t know.)

Enter Jonathan, a budding Einstein who likes to take apart old electronics and accidentally make a laser gun out of it. After a series of choppy events, Morgan ends up boarding up for the night at the home of Jonathan and his grandfather, who tells them both of his suspicions about the zombies. To make a long, drawn out, boring story short, after learning that a doctor was bringing corpses back to life via his experiments (for not explained reasons) Morgan, grandfather, and Jonathan return to the island of zombies and clean house. Oh yes, all with the help of Jonathan’s supped up laser gun.

What you Would be Missing:

  • Corny soundtrack. This soundtrack is all over the place right from the get go. Adventurous? Whimsical? 80’s Prime Time?
  • Remember when cell phones had an antenna as long as your arm?
  • Stupid terrorist vs cocky black cop in cat and mouse game through a power plant ends in a shocking result.
  • Long scene of the tearing apart of a Laser Disc player…and some really crappy music. That kid can really go to town with a pair of needle nosed pliers, a screwdriver, and some electrical tape.
  • WARNING REMOVAL OF COVER EXPOSES HAZARDOUS VOLTAGES! Stupid kid.
  • One dead hamster. Way to take one for the team Felix. No doubt the best acting in the movie so far.
  • Good lord, the girl is an even worse actor than anyone else. Listening to their flirtacious banter back and forth is enough to throw up in your mouth.
  • Zombie attack
  • Ahh…the days when someone could walk into a gun store, purchase a snub nosed rifle and walk out with it.
  • Does anyone really laugh that hard at a Three Stooges movie?
  • Surely in 1986, films were able to create better visual laser effects than this.
  • Long sequences without any dialogue, don’t know why I’m complaining the dialogue hasn’t done anything for the film up to this point.
  • Old lady with a lisp telling local history. She looks as though she might be a zombie herself.
  • The cutaways are almost as if there were commercial breaks in the film.
  • Has there been any mention about how bad the music is?
  • Zombie Attack!! Just what exactly are they doing to that poor guy? Use your gun dummy, use your gun!
  • Apparently church bells are a zombie alarm clock.
  • Zombies appear randomly out of different doors in the prison, followed by a montage of lame zombie killings.
  • Oh come on, lasers and arrows won’t kill zombies. Everyone knows that you have to shoot them in the head.
  • What? That’s the end? What the hell just happened? Be damned sure that I’m not going to rewind and watch again to find out.

Quality Dialogue:

“You look like a guy who has a pretty interesting story if a person wanted to pry.”

“I know it sounds crazy, but I think someone has found a way to bring dead bodies back to life.”

“Hear the footsteps, noises at night.- Something’s burning, fire burning bright. – Keeps getting closer, chills me to my soul. – They come to get me, hear the Devil call. – The Dead are after me! – I said the Dead are after me!”

Let me sum up this film quickly and painlessly – TOTAL SHITE! I realize that there wasn’t much of a budget to make the film, but come on. This one is really BAD. The script seemed as though is was made up on the fly as they were filming as there were many, many continuity issues, bad editing,  and plot holes. The acting was nothing short of atrocious as well as the dialogue. But the absolute worst part of the film in my opinion was the very awkward and undeniably horrible soundtrack. The film was filled with bad 80’s TV drama music that didn’t match the film at all. And what made it worse was that there were several scenes of no dialogue (even though things were going on) and it was filled with this crappy music. Ugh… Without question, this film gets the ultimate 5 out of 5 turds.

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The Children (1980)

Anyone up for a sci-fi horror flick that will make you want to hug your children tight and pray you don’t get turned into hamburger. What? Sounds totally random, but this movie has just that. Well, I watched it so you wouldn’t have to use 90 minutes of your time, so you could lose your hands doing something else productive.

Streaming on: Hulu+

Directed by: Max Kalmanowicz

Starring: Martin Shakar, Gil Rogers, Gail Garrnett

Tagline: Something terrifying has happened to the children… pray you never meet them!

A gas leak from a nuclear power plant causes a deadly fog that wafts over a county road in Ravensback. After the local school bus drives through the ominous smoke cloud, the noxious gases turn all the kids on board into zombies who are physically uneffected by the fog with the exception of their goth black fingernails. The kid zombies have the ability to now burn adults to a crisp with a simple hug. And who wouldn’t want to give these kids a hug after they were assumed missing. The children quickly charbroil the town’s adults which lead them to the final set of parents. This set of parents, along with the sheriff, don’t take to kindly to the children and attempt to solve the epidemic themselves. After a few gunshots wounds to the chest, a burnt arm, a game of tag that ends up with a charcoal briquet, and some severed hands, the only thing left is to rid the town of these atomic children.

What you would be missing:

  • Slim and Jim, is that really the workers names?
  • Happy kids singing songs of love and adoration to their bus driver. Barf!
  • Hey bus driver, never mind that eerie looking fog wafting across the road.
  • Lesbian lovers and codeine…apparently that’s for another movie.
  • Scary Psycho stabby-stabby music!
  • Funny how flesh burns easier than the polyester clothing.
  • Okay, I think I heard this music in Friday the 13th! Harry Manfredini, you soundtrack regifter.
  • Yikes meet the creepy new deputies in town
  • Boobs!
  • That’s it sheriff, you dump that dope in the pool.
  • My how cell phones have evolved! Every scary movie has to have some pompous douchebag that we can’t wait to see die. Groovy music too douche.
  • Hey dumbass, go around her. How hard can it be?
  • More stabby-stabby music!
  • Sure makes you think twice about hugging a kid from now on.
  • Now that’s what you call a family barbeque!
  • Sign that kid up for the Second Mile program and Penn State is still playing bowl games! – What too soon?
  • Apparently, only kids are effected by this nuclear fog.
  • I’m pretty sure beating on the phone plunger doesn’t give you a dial tone any quicker.
  • So which would be worse, beating a dead horse or shooting a cooked canine?
  • The lady of the General Store sounds like Tom Cat from Tom and Jerry when she dies. (Oops sorry, Spoiler Alert!)
  • And the winner for “Worst Mom of the Year” goes to…Drinking, smoking, and pregnant. Her kid will end up a zombie even without the nuclear power leak.
  • Sheriff is picking off kids like he’s trying to win a stuffed bear at a carnival.
  • When you play tag with a zombie, you never win.
  • Zombies die by cutting off their hands? And apparently they purr and howl as they die too!
  • Could this movie be any darker? What happened to the lighting?
  • Damn the sheriff sure is a tall man.
  • Looks like someone has played a little too much Fruit Ninja. Dude is going wild with that sword!
  • Hands, hands, everywhere!
  • There must have been only six kids in this whole town…oops, spoke too soon, seven. See “Worst Mom of the Year” comment from above. Did I not call that one?
  • Hey, wait a minute. The douchebag didn’t die? What? He’s never seen again. So did the director need some time filler or what?

Memorable Quotes:

“Here’s to the bus driver, the best of them all!”

“A kidnapping in Ravensback, how exciting!”

“Tell us, Harry.” – “Yeah, tell us, Harry.” – “Tell us, Harry.” – “TELL US, HARRY!”

“I’d like to hump that bitch.”

“Hey, hey, hey! Harry the hawk does it again!”

“You just shot a dead dog.”

Despite being burdened with cheesy acting  and a ridiculous premise, this film was rather entertaining. It definitely isn’t good by any means, but there was something to be liked about it. I’m guessing there was some commentary about kids getting back at their parents for the choices that they have made in the past or something. Oh well…no sense in finding logic in this one, might as well rate it instead.  I was somewhat intrigued with the idea of zombie children and was interested throughout. With that said, I am going to give this one 2 turds out of 5.

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National Lampoon Presents Robodoc (2008)

Anyone up for watching a hospital drama with some deep character development and intriging story arcs? Well then Imageyou should probably stay away from this hospital satire whose sex and fart jokes will make you wish that is was your eyes were thrown across the room by the hospital receptionist (yes that was in the movie).

Streaming on: Hulu+

Directed by: Stephen Maddocks

Cast: Alan Thicke, Michael Winslow, David Faustino, One of those damn Deluise brothers

Tagline: Accepting New Patients

In a the world of high cost health care, greedy lawyers are at the ready to jump on any malpractice suit. With his group of informants inside the hospital, attorney Jake Gorman makes a killing on cases of malpractice. In an effort to cut down on the number of malpractice lawsuits from it’s doctors, a hospital puts their money into the perfect doctor, a robotic model, MD-63, or Robodoc. Much to the chagrin of Gorman, Robodoc doesn’t make a mistake and has an updated knowledge database of everything in the world.

What you would be missing:

  • A chance to name all the 80’s sitcoms this entire cast starred in.
  • Ahh…the old baby pissing in the face gag
  • Mime with a sore throat…nice one.
  • Chinese, Japanese, Dirty Knees…Look at these! When was the last time I heard that… in 4th grade?
  • Boobs!
  • Someone got their inspiration from Data on Star Trek.
  • Definitely more balls hit here than the Kansas City Royals did since the All-Star break.
  • Fonda Johnsons? More plays on words please.
  • If I have to see that Deluise guy make one more of those stupid faces, I think I’m going to throw my remote.
  • Every hospital has a Cross-Eyed Children’s Clinic right?
  • Radioactive pregnancy results, that can’t be good.
  • While a nurse changes into her evening gown in the morgue, the corpses definitely bring new meaning to the word stiffs.
  • Apparently Norton Anti-virus doesn’t work on robots either.
  • Parker Lewis CAN lose and this script proves it.
  • Every hospital has a Blind Children’s Clinic right?
  • Way to end with a politician joke.

Award Winning Dialogue:

“This woman has acute appendicitis”. “Actually, I’ve seen her naked and she doesn’t look cute in anything.”

“We had to put her on a breastperator.”

“I may be a RAT, but you are a RAT BASTARD!”

“Save his NUTS, and bolts.”

Thank the lord I’m not in middle school anymore otherwise I would have found this movie just hilarious giving my buddies and I something to reference and quote for the next few weeks. But since I don’t have the sense of humor of 12 year old (although you wouldn’t know it given my current system for rating these movies), I give this film 4 turds out of 5.  I am only giving it that rating because embarrassing as it may be to admit, there were two spots that made me chuckle out loud.

Now that I’ve watched this medical nightmare, you won’t have to.

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