Category Archives: Netflix

Introducing: Zombie High (1987)

zombie-high-1987As school starts again for thousands of students across the nation, and teachers too, what better way to open a new school year than with a movie entitled, Zombie High. Now, some teachers can debate that there are days where high school students walk around as if in a zombified state anyway, but it’s always nice to see someone else having to put with it for a change. And in the case of Zombie High, it’s a young Virginia Madsen that gets to deal with those students, but only because they are her peers. Sound interesting…it’s not. I’d rather spend 93 minutes in a high school economics class listening to a lecture that have sit through Zombie High. But, I did. So, in honor of school beginning and of the reports and papers that are bound to be written in the next few months, I have provided you with the Clif Notes versions of this academic nightmare of a flick.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Rob Link

Starring: Virginia Madsen, Richard Cox, Paul Fieg, T. Scott Coffey, Paul Williams

Rated: R

Tagline: None – Might I suggest, “This school will pick your brain.”

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 15% Audience

Number of  lobotomized students it takes to form a perfect dance number in sync: 4

A promising young woman is awarded a scholarship to a prestigious all boys boarding school. When she starts to notice that her peers seem to drastically change their personalities and become straight laced focused students, she begins to uncover a nefarious secret about the school’s never-aging faculty.

Most Important Parts you Won’t want to Miss:

  • Everybody knows actions speak louder than words, listen to the beat get up on your feet. Let’s Go!
  • Pop up those collars kids, it is the 80’s after all.
  • Carpe Diem! –  in harmony
  • They sure aren’t stingy with the mashed potatoes.
  • Looks like someone is going to need to learn some different pick up lines.
  • Gang rape by some frat boys.
  • Watch out for the girls that have PSM. They are a bit weird.
  • Zzzzz…oh, what?
  • If a scream and a crash of stainless steel equipment isn’t a clue that someone is sneaking about in the infirmary, nothing is.
  • I’m guessing that whoever scored this soundtrack was a drum major.
  • The professor looks pretty good for a 102 year old.
  • Best use of scene swipes since Star Wars.
  • Breakfast of Champions – injections of blood and brain matter.
  • OMG, I’m having flashbacks to watching episodes of Dukes of Hazard during the car chase.
  • Man, those screen swipes sure are noisy.
  • Stay out of the way when old zombies want to hit the bottle.
  • Barry’s shoes must double as roller skates.
  • Quite possibly the worst rip off of the Beastie Boys I’ve ever heard
  • My thoughts about this movie exactly – Kiss My Butt!

Award Winning Quotes:

“You know there’s a 10 to 1 guys to girls ratio here?”

“You give me potatoes, I’ll kill your entire family.”

“The only thing I hate more than women is men.”

“Dullness is a contagious disease around here.”

“You can’t replace human emotions with a crystal.”

“Craziest damn thing I ever heard.”

“Craziest damn thing I ever heard.”

“Craziest damn thing I ever heard.”

“You’re tapped, f**ker.”

“Got yourself quite an education didn’t you?”

THE FINAL WORD:

Despite the always entertaining, Virginia Madsen, and the awesome 80’s clothes, this movie really doesn’t have much to offer. If you were thinking that you were getting ready for an all out zombie fest full of blood and gore. Well, think again. The plot is quite uninteresting and actually a bit stupid. Saying that the pacing was a little sluggish is doing this film justice. What a bore. In fact, nothing happens until a Hazzard County style car chase scene, complete with dirt road fishtailing and dirt pile jumping, that takes place when the “mystery” of the school starts to take shape. The special effects masters of this film didn’t do a whole lot better either. What little bit of “monster” we saw, was nothing more than a latex mask pulled over the head that no one made an attempt to conceal by at least tucking the bottom of the mask down into the actor’s shirt. Nope, it was left just hanging there for a scene that maybe took 10 secs of screen time. If this film was being graded at it’s own fictional academy, it would receive a generous D-, but since I’m grading it, I give the film the score that it has earned with a score of 4 turds.

zombie high old farts

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Introducing: Super Capers (2009)

Supercapers poster2It’s not very often that I get really excited about seeing a movie in the theater – The Dark Knight Rising was high on my MUST SEE movies at the theater. This weekend, another just as anticipated movie is set to hit cinemas – Man of Steel. And boy am I excited. I was threatened by my girlfriend not to go see it without her, so in the meantime, I need something to get my Superhero fix. I turned to my old faithful Netflix subscription service to provide what I was looking for. Now, I could have easily chosen some of the proven winners such as Thor, Captain America, or Iron Man 2, but that would be too good just in case my anticipation of the new Superman film didn’t live up to my expectations. No, I decided to look for something that was bad so that I would not be underwhelmed by Zack Snyder’s latest film. And low and behold, I found a potential turd in the movie Super Capers.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Ray Griggs

Starring: Justin Whalin, Michael Rooker, Clint Howard, “Tiny” Lister, Adam West

Rated: PG

Tagline: Fighting evil has never been funnier!

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 0% – Ouch!

Number of  bad movie references to Great movies: 10 (And possibly more that I missed when I dosed off.)

Plot: Ed Grubberman wants desperately to become a superhero. So much so that he dons his own handmade cape and tries to fight crime out on the streets. As a result of being sued by one of the criminals he fights against, he is assigned by the local judge, to join a team of caped misfits who live in a halfway house for Superheroes. Ed gets himself in the middle of a criminal plot by the judge, who is a former superhero himself, and is framed for the theft of several gold buillion (bars). Through the powers of time travel and apparently stupidity, the team foils the plans of the criminal mastermind and uncover his secret plot.

If it sounds stupid, trust me, it is.

Important things to take away from this movie:

  • Superhero movies just aren’t the same without that distinct flipping red Marvel rectangle or the folding DC logo.
  • First indication that I’ve stumbled upon a bad move – Clint Howard.
  • Corny cartoon sound effects are going to make for a long movie.
  • Comic panel opening credit sequence that thinKs it’s extremely funny.
  • Being Merle has made Michael Rooker so much cooler!
  • Who knew this movie was going to be half live-action and half MAD magazine?
  • Good to see Adam West still getting some use out of the old Batmobile.
  • Where can I get me a Schwarzenagger robot?
  • Inflatable chairs beware with Puffer Boy around.
  • Cool looking Minotaur outfit.
  • A homophobic joke and a Christian joke both within a minute of each other.
  • Superheroes need to be careful when doing their own laundry so that their tights don’t shrink.
  • Wow, that was probably the worst Shatner impression I think I’ve ever seen.
  • Mannequins make pretty good speed bumps and they make squishing sounds.
  • Robot pick up lines sometimes go unanswered.
  • New white suit turns Grubberman into a pussy…cat.
  • FBI or Men in Black? YEAH!!
  • Dark Winged Vesper looks like a cross between Adam West’s Batman and Dracula.
  • Will Powers plays Wack-A-Mole with Red. Don’t call him old.
  • Why does a Superhero spoof keep referring to a science fiction movie?
  • It looks like Michael Rooker is about to walk off the set at the stupid “Return of the Jedi” scene. – “This is ridiculous!” Hell I’d leave too.
  • If you hit pause you might actually be able to tell that Arnie robot has a face.
  • Cue god awful Back to the Future sound alike music. Alan Silvestri must be throwing up.
  • Morbidly bad Marlon Brando impersonation
  • Don’t we all need an “In case You’re Screwed” button?
  • OMG! The Greatest American Hero theme! Easily the best way to end a terrible movie.
  • What the Hell? Need a good Chili Pie recipe? Watch the credits.

Super Sayings and Dynamic Dialogue:

“I’m going to send you to a Superhero halfway house.”

“I was Manbat, would you like an autograph?”

“How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should be open when she brings it.”

“SuperCapers, let’s rock!”

“I’m making a sound effect. No superhero can use his powers without a good sound effect in the background.”

“Do you always talk to yourself?” – “Ah crap, that was supposed to me my inside voice.”

“Great horny toads, it needs some adjusting.”

THE FINAL WORD:

Now, there are several movies that I loved growing up as a child and even those that I would say have had a big impact on my movie watching experiences and my in some way my childhood growing up. CRASH! I however do not feel the need to make a crappy movie  and shove in corny and out of place references to these films to show my appreciation for them. That’s what this film has done. With references to respectable movies such as Star Wars, Back to the Future, James Bond, Star Trek, and others, SuperCapers ends up a jumbled and very unfunny superhero spoof that looks more like director Ray Griggs is making fun of the movies that influenced him rather than paying homage to them. Z ING! Why is it, the movies that are purposely trying to be funny end up being some of the dumbest? The actors try to make the dialogue sound funny and do a pretty good job with what they have been forced to work with. WHACK! And what spoof wouldn’t be complete without the occasional cameo from former Hollywood stars (Adam West, Clint Howard, June Lockhart) I use the term “stars” loosely of course. ZAP! Griggs even gives himself a role in the film.  HONK!  He should stick to directing, at least the direction of the film was done too terribly bad. But, I plead to all filmmakers out there who are wanting to make a film that is family friendly and supposedly funny. Please, please, please, for all that is good in the world, stop adding the cartoon sound effects to every little action. BOING! SPROING! THUD!!  In describing this film, I’ll use one of the favorite sayings of hero Ed Grubberman, “Crap”. I’m giving this superhero spoof 3.5 out of 5 turds.  SPLAT!

super capers Adam West

UPDATE!!!

“Man of Steel” kicks ass by the way.

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Introducing: Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers (1988)

sleepaway-camp-ii-nelson-vhs-frontJust spent four weeks at summer camp to start my summer vacation and now with my tour of duty done (for now) I can catch up on some movies and the blog. I’m sure my couch has been missing my ass this whole time. So, what better way to start of my post summer camp movie viewing than watching movies about, well, summer camp. Growing up in the 80’s brought a plethora of camp movies from Meatballs to Friday the 13th. It was the Saturday night slasher films that have always been the most interesting and entertaining to me. And with that, I was excited to see a series of B-Movies camp slasher flicks, starting with Sleepaway Camp 2.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Michael A. Simpson

Starring: Renee Estevez, Pamela Springsteen (yes-Bruce’s sister), Brian Patrick Clarke, Walter Gotell

Rated: R

Tagline: When you go camping, just take the essentials.

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 20%

Crazy Counselor’s Body Count: 18 and 1 implied

Camper turned serial killer in Sleepaway Camp, Angela Baker returns to a new camp only this time with a new identity and new position as counselor. Her goal is to make sure that the campers are following the rules and being nice and if they aren’t then she takes it upon herself to “send them home” or kill them one by one in interesting and macabre ways.

Important Things you can Learn:

  • People with mullets always tell the best ghost stories around campfires.
  • Be sure to pick Angela for the softball team, she’s got quite the swing.
  • Boobs! Boobs! – Tit Patrol reporting for duty
  • Camp is for early 20 year olds who get stoned and sleep naked.
  • Blue Ribbon winning counselors are always the most chipper in the morning.
  • Anybody think that names of the campers is a coincidence? Molly, Ally, Judd, Charlie, Sean, Emilio, Demi, etc
  • Can you find the wet t-shirt winner?
  • Getting high and drunk is likely to get you burned during camp.
  • The loudest pantie raid ever. Nothing encourages bunk bonding than a pantie sort.
  • Boobs!
  • Were there cordless drills in 1988?
  • In the naval reserve!  Ha Ha! Good one.
  • Not sure exactly what the “feel the surprise in the box” game was for? I can’t imagine a bunch of high school graduates would be lining up for that one. Thank god for them that Justin Timberlake wasn’t there, we all know what he likes to put in a box.
  •  Polaroid Boobs!
  • Turn that radio up. Hell yeah! The only black girl in camp likes her some 80’s hair metal. That’s her jam!
  • A black Jason Vorhees and Freddy Krueger with a mullet. Yeah, I’d be scared.
  • Boobs!
  • Wait blonds can’t read can they? Why does she keep looking at that note?
  • Was that a leech or a turd on poor Ally’s face?
  • Guitar strings are awfully tough on the throat.
  • Apparently when a girl screams at camp, nobody seems to care.
  • Dear Angela, would you please learn another verse to the song, Kum ba yah.
  • Looks like Freddy Krueger got his face back.
  • Tips for Kids #1: Battery acid kills if it comes in contact with your skin, so please be careful.
  • Gotta love our justice system. Serial killer gets out after four years. She’s perfectly cured. After psychiatric treatment and electro therapy that is.
  • Bravo for Anthony’s Ned Stark impression.
  • Great, kill the only two kids who were of age to go to this summer camp.
  • If the smoking doesn’t kill you, the crazy camp counselor will.
  • Nice 80’s ballad as the credits roll.

Quotable Quotes:

“Screw you Angela, if you want to send me home, then fine, see if I care!”

“Nice girls don’t have to show it off.” – But it sure helps.

““Oooooohhhh, I’m a happy camper! I love the summer sun. I love the trees and forest; I’m always having fun!”

“Party hats at Two O’Clock.”

“Not tonight, I’ve got a date.” – “With who?” – “His left hand!”

“Keep your morals strong, and you will never be wrong.”

“Who locked the door? I’m gonna tell!”

“Molly, stop. I just want to be your friend!”

“Thanks for picking me up.” – “Heck, ain’t no skin off my tits. Besides, a girl like you shouldn’t be alone on this road.”

THE FINAL WORD:

Well, Sleepaway Camp 2 was not anywhere close to the first in this schlocky series of teenage/camp slasher movies. Probably the most notable changes between the two, for those who have seen the first, is that the main character is portrayed by a completely different actress which makes sense due to the “sexual reconfiguration” of the character. She also adds some attempted humor with some witty one-liners for each of her victims before she does them in. Regardless whoever the main character is, they won’t be in line for any type of thespian award anytime soon. As for the rest of the cast, it’s a B-Movie for god sakes, I don’t know what I’m expecting. The acting aside, unfortunately the plot of the film is not one of them. I was really, really bothered how the filmmakers tried to pass off it’s twenty something actors as young teens who would actually attend a summer camp of this caliber. Despite it’s bad acting and weak story, every horny heterosexual male will love the copious amounts of breasts being bared. During the first 2/3 of the film, there is hardly a five-minute period that goes by that isn’t broken up by a pair of “party hats”. In addition to the breasts, there are a couple of sex scenes as it would not be an 80’s slasher movie without one. While I could continue to mention the scenes that show plenty of skin, it behooves me to mention the best part of any teen killer flick – the over-the-top elimination of each character. This film has quite the murder menagerie which ranges from battery acid to the face and having a lobotomy via a drill bit to drowning in an outhouse toilet full of crap and leeches. And yes, there are the horror film staples, the throat slashing and the always popular decapitation.

While this slasher film isn’t anything like the Friday the 13th movie that it wants so desperately to be, it is mildly entertaining, if nothing else for the body count that is amassed throughout the film. I am giving Sleepaway Camp 2 a rating of three turds out of five, which is somewhere between being sliced by a chainsaw and burnt to a crisp on a barbecue.

sleepaway camp jason

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Introducing: Rodentz (2001)

rodentz coverSummer vacation is here. This gives me some time to relax by playing golf, reading some good books, and loading up my streaming services with movies to watch. Luckily, or unfortunate, however the case may be, I came upon the film Rodentz as the first flick that popped up in the “New Arrivals”  section of Netflix. I didn’t feel like doing much searching so I just settled for the first thing I saw. Besides, anytime you replace an “s” with a “z” in the movie’s title, you know you’re in for a real ztinker!

AKA: Altered Species

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Serge Rodnunsky or Miles Feldman???

Starring: Allen Lee Haff, Guy Vieg, Robert Broughton, Leah Rowan

Rated: R

Tagline: They thought their experiments would change mankind…they were wrong!

Rotten Tomatoes Score: No Reviews Yet (0%)

Number of minutes spent looking for a condom: 5

In searching for a cure for cancer, a scientist pours some defective serum down the drain which festers through the sewer pipes right onto the path of a colony of rats. His assistant is able to inject a rat specimen with the serum that has an adverse affect on the rat making it grow to enormous proportions. All the while, the now “infected” rats have turned aggressive thanks to the serum in the drain and turn their anger onto any poor unsuspecting humans (and cat) that happens to visit the laboratory. As convenience would have it, enter five drunk college students looking for their friend, the scientist’s assistant, and a party. What they find however, is a lab infested with serum enhanced rats that have a blood lust for jingly things and human flesh.

Things to Watch for:

  • Rat infested title sequence
  • Every laboratory filled with caged mice must have at least one cat (I’m guessing it doesn’t end well for the cat)
  • The amount of green mixture poured down a sink increases in capacity from a cup to at least a half gallon.
  • CGI rat with animatronic motions is nothing to mess with.
  • When the rat sees red, the fur starts to fly…and the blood.
  • Haven’t people learned by now that it’s not safe to drink the Kool-Aid.
  • Can they make the rats look any cuter?
  • Night custodians are always so bored and lonely that they have to talk to themselves.
  • Rats grow considerable larger when attacking a human body.
  • Haunted lab strip poker may not be as fun as it sounds.
  • I may be crazy, but I think the jug of communal Kool-Aid just refilled itself.
  • Oh, those cute lab rats, they grow up so fast.
  • What’s the matter doc, rat got your eye?
  • Bad dub over, not in sync with blonde girl’s drunk mouth – “Yes of course”
  • Brenda is just hungry enough to eat through her cage.
  • Did you know that rats “howl” at the moon?
  • Boobs!!
  • Really bad voice over dubbing again
  • Huh? WHAT DID YOU SAY? SPEAK UP, WE CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE AWFUL SOUNDTRACK!
  • Running from rats must be a good way to lose weight. Pink girl’s pants keep sliding farther and farther down.
  • It’s tough work finding a condom in the bottomless glove compartment.
  • Frank is going to be pissed that a large rat got to eat out his girlfriend before he did.
  • Okay I can’t be the only one thinking of these watching those rats come around the corner of the building.
  • I don’t suppose anyone can explain how the lights came back on again.
  • Rats jump out of their cages like Star Trek tribbles.
  • PETA members may want to close their eyes at the 1 hr 3 minute mark. There may be a spot in the NFL for Walter. Laces out Dan!
  • SAFETY TIP: Hey kids! Using one’s teeth on electrical wires is an amazingly stupid and unsafe idea. Don’t try that at home.
  • Since when do electrical boxes run off of 6-Volt batteries duct taped together? Someone got the electrician’s special on that deal.
  • I’ve seen a person in a Godzilla suit, a person in a Sasquatch suit, but this might just be the first person in a rat suit I’ve ever seen. And probably the worst suit in movies…ever!
  • Gary, didn’t your mother tell you, never shake hands with a rat bigger than you!
  • Anyone in the mood for fried rat?
  • How many times is that van going to blow up?
  • Well sure as hell not going to sit through the “spider” version. No thanks.

Dandy Dialogue:

“Ain’t got the bosom, but I got the whiskey.”

“Spunk? Spunk?”

“You wouldn’t be talking like that if you had a tumor.” – “He already does…it’s in his shorts.”

“Walter, take a chill pill. We’re here to save you from yourself.”

“I’m sorry, you were completely innocent, in bed with another chick, naked.”

FINAL WORD:

While animal attack movies have been around for some time, this just might be the worst of them all. The movie was so bad, the director has to go by an alias (Serge Rodnunsky a.k.a. Miles Feldman) The plot is so ridiculous and contrived – drunk teens go to a laboratory to party that is infested with rats. The story itself takes forever to get into. After watching for thirty boring minutes, I paused the film only to find that there was still another hour left to go! Most B-Movies know that they are going to be bad, but this film crew must have thought that they had a blockbuster hit on their hands. There was not the usual tongue-in-cheek approach that many B-Movies tend to take, but instead, decided to take itself too serious. Way too serious! I have some questions in mind that bothered me about the film, but I’ll keep them to myself because giving them mcuh more thought means that I had put more thinking into the film than the filmmakers themselves did.

Most of the characters serve no purpose at all, other than to be rat food by the end. All the character stereotypes are here, but very thinly built and very one-dimensional. There’s the slut, jock, chicken, rebel, prude, and nerd. Sad thing, the characters could be easily interchanged among the actors and no one would notice. The acting is just plain bad. Hell, I’d give more props to the rats. Bottom line, pass on this movie. You’ll get much more enjoyment, and less pain, setting mousetraps to different parts of your own body. This film gets four rat turds out of the dreaded five.

rodentz giant rat

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Introducing: Assault of the Sasquatch

assault of the sasquatch 00Sometimes a lesson at school peaks students’ interests so much, that they go out and find their own information to fill themselves with more knowledge. During a reading lesson, we read about cryptozoologists and how they hunted for mythical creatures such as Bigfoot and Loch Ness Monster. We’ve learned that a good place to find interesting documentaries is Netflix. Sure enough, our search through Netflix turned up at least six different titles pertaining to Bigfoot. One of the titles that popped up was something called Assault of the Sasquatch. Judging a video by it’s cover made this movie look like quite the turd. I couldn’t have been more right.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Andrew Gernhard

Starring: Kevin Shea, Sarah Ahearn, Greg Nutcher, Cristina Santiago

Rated: R

Tagline: New Territory…Fresh Prey.

Rotten Tomatoes: 0% – That should have been a warning.

Number of times fat kid says Sasquatch: 33

A group of bear hunters haul in the ultimate prize while on a hunting excursion, the mythical Sasquatch. With intentions of selling the Sasquatch to a big game collector for one million dollars, the trio soon find out the the Sasquatch means business and kills two of them before the third is arrested. When their vehicle is taken to a run down police station, the Sasquatch escapes and reeks havoc over the town. Two local teens and members of the International Sasquatch Hunters see the creature while peeping on a girl taking a shower, the perv. While having to wander in an unfamiliar territory, the Sasquatch must fight it’s way out, killing everything in it’s path.

Best parts you won’t want to miss:

  • Rednecks with too much ammo isn’t a good way to start a movie.
  • Grandpa has the such a golden smile.
  • Gotta feel safe around those cops that take a weed hit and pop pills before heading to a call.
  • Sasquatch go for onion and broccoli pizzas.
  • I think Grandpa’s eye patch just switched eyes.
  • Sasquatch looks disturbingly like a cross between Rob Zombie, a gorilla suit, and WWE Wrestler Mark Henry.
  • I’m thinking that pizza parlour needs to install a two drink limit.
  • Fat guys should know that horizontal stripes are not very slimming.
  • So how does a Bigfoot climbing on top of a roof?
  • Boobs!
  • Did you see what that little dog was wearing, she deserved to get squashed.
  • Apparently, someone didn’t check the prisoner before putting him in the cell. Not a very good pat down job.
  • Ever feel like you’re being followed by a Bigfoot?
  • That Sasquatch has a pretty good arm. He can throw rocks, tires, and mailboxes with great accuracy.
  • Must be the calmest dad in the world. You daughter just got sucked out the door and kidnapped by a Bigfoot creature, no problem, don’t move and she’ll come back eventually. Let the psycho police receptionist go get her instead.
  • How to fight Bigfoot in hand to hand combat. Kick to chest – Kick to balls – Kick to stomach – Kick to Chest – FINISH HIM!!!
  • I’ll rip your arm off and beat you with the bloody end of it.
  • Crazy secretary’s dried blood on her mouth looks like she just ate a cherry Popsicle.
  • “For some reason we’ve pissed that thing off…” – You think? Knocking it out and stuffing it in a storage truck, can’t imagine why it would be pissed off.
  • Guys with a glandular disorder can easily knock a Sasquatch off it’s feet. He needed that to happen like he needed a hole in the head.
  • Sasquatch javelin throw for the win.
  • Looks like the angry acting classes are starting to pay off. Now if only she hadn’t dropped out of dramatic acting.
  • Sasquatch can make a man’s head turn just like an owl’s.
  • Who knew that only four nails could hold a Sasquatch down?
  • Sasquatch is smart enough to push a button.
  • All this time, and all the Sasquatch wanted a finger to add to his necklace.
  • Could someone please call back the Sasquatch to punch the fat kid in the face again?!

Best Quotes Ever:

“Nighty, night hairball.”

“She’s smart, she’s sexy, she’s smexy.”

“The bathroom is just down the hall and there’s air freshener in the bottom cabinet, just in case you need it.”

“Those things are huge.” – “F*** yeah they’re big, they don’t call him Bigfoot for nothing.

“Did you guys see a Sasquatch? He’s big, he’s hairy, and has boobs.”

“Hands.” – “I was wondering when I was going to get my conjugal visit. Whoa, hey, if you wanted it rough, all you had to do was ask.”

“I wasn’t always just a secretary.”

“You better believe that if you piss off Sasquatch, you’re f****d.”

“Mr. Sasquatch, Mr. Sasquatch, I’m so sorry. But on a side note, it’s such an honor to meet you.”

THE FINAL WORD:

Much in the same vain as Thankskilling, this movie never seems to take itself too seriously and in fact had a tendency to be terrible on purpose.   Between a bodily evisceration and a fist through the head, the deaths add a bit of hilarity to the film, when the acting itself isn’t doing so. The characters are either overtly over dramatic (Don) who screams every line or dull and half asleep (sheriff). The writer of the film has penned himself the part of a horny, grumpy, one-eyed big game hunter. His one-liners are somewhat humorous, but get to be a bit annoying. The most charismatic character would have to be the Sasquatch creature. Although it is an obvious person in an ugly gorilla suit, the ‘Squatch and gratefully made to be the “star” of the film. Which brings us back around to the creative killing of characters. The music is nothing much to write home about and is immediately forgettable. There are several editing boo-boos and any action is hard to keep track of because of either a very tight camera angle or very little lighting. This film is not good and should probably stay hidden like the Sasquatch itself and earns it a 4 turd rating.

assault of the sasquatch 01

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Introducing: The Thing with Two Heads (1972)

thing with two headsIt was upon one evening after a three-mile run that I sat on the couch and was scrolling through the Netflix “New Releases” that I saw the cover art for a film that made me laugh uncontrollably and out loud. It was the outrageous cover art to the film “The Thing with Two Heads” and on it depicts a picture of a person with two heads, one white and one black, riding on a motorcycle looking like it was out of control. That, and the unforgettable tagline (They transplanted a white bigot’s head onto a soul brother’s body) definitely had my interest. The idea of such a premise was so ridiculous, in an instant, I knew, that I had to watch this film. I was ready for some good ol’ early 70’s exploitation entertainment.  Fortunately, the laughs did not stop at only the cover art once I hit the play button. Unfortunately, however, all logic went out the window and the cheese started to ooze out of the film as soon as the opening credits began.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Lee Frost

Starring: Ray Miland, Rosey Grier, Chelsey Brown, Don Marshall

Rated: PG

Tagline: They transplanted a white bigot’s head on a soul brother’s body!

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 0%

Number of times the term black bastard is used: 4

Dr. Kirschner is an accomplished transplant surgeon, and bigot, has successfully performed the transplant of a head onto another live body to keep the latter alive. His experiment has been proven successful with the creation of a two-headed gorilla. When Kirschner learns that he has been stricken with an inoperable cancer, he demands that his assistant, Dr. Desmond to find him a body and perform the transplant to prolong his life. The “donor” comes in the form of a convicted murderer on death row, Jack Moss, who also happens to be a large black man. With time running out for Dr. Kirschner, the transplant is made on Jack. When they both come to and Jack realizes what has happened, he uses the opportunity to escape and find a way to clear his name , not to mention rid himself of the extra head he’s acquired. As the police set chase, hilarity and stupidity take over in a bumbling game of cat and two-headed mouse.

Things you won’t want to miss:

  • First time you’ll ever see the title of a movie grow a head; and with interesting “boner” sound.
  • Two, two, two gorillas in one!
  • I feel sorry for any child that these doctors give a shot to.
  • Clean up on aisle five!
  • Colored toilet paper and Tab? Definitely the 70s.  Whatever happened to that colored toilet paper anyway? Answer
  • How many bananas can one ape shovel into its second lifeless mouth anyway?
  • Rejection specialist? Poor doctors only makes $500 per week, how much rejection can one person handle?
  • Exits to hospital surgical rooms lead to complete and total darkness.
  • Terminal chest cancer is a pretty broad diagnosis, but inoperable all the same.
  • Poor gorilla lost his head over this whole scientific experiment.
  • Any volunteers to give your body and your life up for the purposes of science?
  • Opening and closing the basement windows tends to make the walls shake.
  • Bulldog clamp, mosquito clamp, gorilla clamp, nipple clamp
  • Wait, I thought the whole success of the transplant was depended on the spinal column.
  • Hey Doc, got head?
  • One would think that goatee would be a bit scratchy.
  • You’re late for the injection nurse, now Shoo bitch, shoo.
  • Thus begins the game of: Which head is the real one?
  • Jack, your jacket isn’t the most comfortable fit.
  • The term “backseat driver” will never mean the same again.
  • The scenes with both live heads must be the most uncomfortable contraption for both actors.
  • And the escapees pull “a-head” of the pack. If they end up winning…
  • Two guys on the phone while 50+people eavesdrop.
  • It’s clear that policemen find it impossible to avoid random ravines in an open field.
  • Haven’t we seen those crashes before?
  • It’s evident that more of the film’s budget was spent on destroying police vehicles than on any special effect work whatsoever.
  • Oh come on, just give him a kiss. Don’t mind the extra head attached to his shoulders.
  • Hey Doc, you might want to look at the size of the body your sharing before you do any racial stereotyping. Now shut up and eat your soul food.
  • Rosie Grier should be given credit for his coordination and balance while his eyes are closed. Pretty impressive.
  • Oh my, this soundtrack is absolutely terrible.
  • Removal of a spare head seems to be simple outpatient surgery.

Quotable Quotes:

“Hey doc, is this going to hurt?”

“Cut down the dosage of Barbital to the black head.”

“You soul brother, you got a car?”

“I’ve committed political suicide and you say, “It’s not as bad as it sounds.”

“Jack, you get into more shit.”

“What’s a matter baby, don’t dig soul food?” – “What do you got for dessert, watermelon?”

“Phillip, get me another body, please.”

The Final Word:

Two heads aren’t always better than one, especially in this case. However, the interaction and constant bickering between the two heads is quite enjoyable to watch. Rosie Grier wasn’t the best actor, but you could tell that he was at least having fun with the role he was given despite having a grumpy old white guy strapped to his back at various times throughout the movie. He’s by far not great,  but has a bit of charm and although being a convicted felon on the run from the police, one almost considers him the hero that has had this horrible tragedy thrust upon him. Ray Milland plays the bigoted old doctor well and actually had some of the funnier lines in the film. The two actors play really well off of one another. The filmmakers carefully walk the line making the underlying theme of racism stand out without making it do so offensively. The special effects aren’t the greatest and are quite cheesy. Throughout the film, the “monster” switches from a person with an obviously fake head bobbing on it’s shoulder, to two men forced together by what must have been a very uncomfortable contraption. The transplant scene itself is quite laughable too. By far the best scene in the film however, is the police chase through the countryside while on a motorcycle. The dim-wittedness and stupidity of the police force reminded me of a whole squadron of Rosco P. Coltrane type of officers. Their driving skills left a little to be desired. The dinner scene with Moss and his girlfriend is quite humorous as well. While the plot is obviously contrived and doesn’t live up to it’s full potential, the actors themselves are enough to make up for it. While, this corniness is not for everyone, it is rather entertaining and is definitely worth at least one viewing. Based on the entertainment value alone, and despite the cheese factor, I am giving this film four out of five turds.

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Introducing: At the Earth’s Core (1976)

At-the-Earths-CoreLong week, crappy weather, and not enough time to relax. Why not watch something that looks cheesy. Looks like At the Earth’s Core may just do the trick…or not.

Directed by: Kevin Connor

Starring: Peter Cushing, Doug McClure, Caroline Munro, Bobby Parr

Rated: PG

Tagline: They’re in it DEEP now!

Rotten Tomatoes: 33%

A wealthy young engineer puts his support into Dr. Perry’s newest invention, a drill that will drill through very thick layers of rock. While on it’s inaugurral run through the Earth, the drill called Iron Mole, breaks down about halfway through the diameter of the Earth. The two  decide to leave their drill and go exploring. While out of their vehicle. they are greeted with a whole different world located underneath the surface of the Earth complete with lush plant life, strange prehistoric creatures, and some grunting natives the have a propensity for dragging slaves all over. The two are captured and taken into the caves where they learn the secret of the underground world and the purpose for the slavery.

Things you won’t want to miss:

  • Don’t be fooled, this is no Tarzan.
  • Hey Doc, I’m not so sure your Iron Mole is going to be able to just do a 180 and go back. It’s a drill for god sakes.
  • This movie doesn’t waste any time getting to the middle of the Earth.
  • What an extraordinary sky, it looks so much like a sound stage.
  • There are even hot chicks at the Earth’s core.
  • Can you spot the black man with the blond afro? Seems a bit out of place, even in the middle of the Earth.
  • Yummy, large wild boar looking monsters feeding on puppets looks like an outtake from Team America. Be careful they’ll bite your ass.
  • Let the battle of the boars begin!! A horn to the junk will always get you a win.
  • Can anyone speak “out of tune radio frequency” so we can understand the Sagoths?
  • Let’s all be mesmerized by the giant shell-less tortoises with wings.
  • Warning: Tripping down stairs will get you a spanking with a wooden Q-Tip!
  • Since when would a Doctor know how to read a strange underground language. And why is he allowed to keep his umbrella? And a pocketknife too?
  • Don’t make the pig people mad or they’ll smack the ground with their horse tail whips.
  • Intense fight scene looks more like a rough foreplay scene between two lovers.
  • Feed me Seymour!!
  • Time to kiss and make up. “I am called David.” – “My name is Ra, and I speak perfect English. What other language do you think is spoken underground?”
  • If the girls don’t get caught by the reptile birds, then the wires surely will.
  • I fell in to a burning ring of fire.
  • Ole! Ole! Dodge the charging Hippocroc. Come on David, you’re the one with the freakin’ trident. Use the damn thing.
  • Ra must have been watching how Leia killed Jabba
  • Looking for volunteers brave enough to run through the fire curtain. Ahhh…I see we have at least one taker.
  • Sagoths have got to be the wimpiest and dumbest drone troopers I’ve ever seen.
  • Mahars originate from one big ass hard boiled egg.
  • Fire breathing frogs explode on impact.
  • Dr. Perry’s bow making skills could make him a dangerous contender in this year’s Hunger Games.
  • David’s tips on how to man-handle a woman. #1: Be Masterful!
  • Where did all these plastic plants come from?
  • Jubel isn’t so ugly, but smoking mushrooms are a weakness of his.
  • Sargoths are mind controlled to run like a troupe of cheerleaders.
  • Ra can kick some ass with a knife in his back…oh wait, it’s disappeared.
  • The Pulp Fiction Samuel L. Jackson sure shoots a mean arrow.
  • Fourth of July comes early inside the caves.
  • It’s a wig party!!
  • Best outfit Dia has worn all movie. She’s about to fall out of that top.
  • Where did the “launch” rigging come from? Did they build it from all the plastic plants in this underground land?
  • I don’t know about you, but I think  a drilling machine coming up from the Earth might be a breach of White House security. And the gardeners thought the mole’s were the only problem on the White House lawn.

Dorky Dialogue:

“Well if we’re not on Earth doc then where the hell are we? – From my observations dear friend I can positively state that we are under it.”

“Took me longer to graduate from geological engineering , than any other man in life.”

“Oh they’re so excitable, like all foreigners.”

“David, have you ever thought about going to the moon?”

“You can not mesmerize me, I’m British!”

THE FINAL WORD:

Oh boy, where do I begin? First off, this ambitious film is greatly hampered by it’s apparent lack of budget. The whole movie was obviously shot on a sound stage, with a strange purple hue with painted mountains and rocks in the background. Throughout the movie there were creatures thrown in simply for the effect of having monsters and thus giving way to the various creatures in this underground world. The creatures themselves were nothing more than people in suits ala Godzilla. Probably the most humorous effect of the whole film was a scene in which one of the creatures grabs and sinks his teeth into one of the slaves. This alone, is reason enough to watch the film. The dinosaur’s, including Peter Cushing’s, movements were pretty stiff and non-threatening. The special effects were nothing spectacular and consisted of a projection in the background with action in the foreground and fireworks as explosives. The sets were a wasteland of plaster and plastic plants, with some pools of fire thrown in for extra added effect. The film’s actor’s all showed off their chops at over-acting all the way down to the frequency grunting pig-people. Man, could they brandish a mean whip. The film’s hero, David, is a bit on the wimpy side. The cheesiness of Ra, and the curves of Munro do add to the appeal for sure. The dialogue is a bit tongue-in-cheek while trying to explain some aspects of the film’s plot, but amazingly doesn’t attempt to explain some of the story’s obvious flaws. I would be amiss if I said that this movie didn’t at least deserve a watching. With that I am giving this one 3.5 turds because I’m sure everyone will want to see tribe of underground slave people in bad wigs dance away in celebration.

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Introducing: April Fool’s Day (1986)

april fools dayApril Fool’s Day. The day known for many a plan of pranks and highjinx among those who we consider friends and family. Working with kids all day long, I have to listen to the constant joke about open flies or untied shoes and usually the most creative pranks come from the adults that I work with. Needing a little more substance to my April Fool’s Day, I saw that Netflix and Crackle were both streaming an appropriately named movie, April Fool’s Day. As I saw the movie’s cover art showing a lady holding a knife behind her back in front of a number of laughing friends with her pony tail in the form of a noose, it brought back memories of seeing it on the movie shelves when going to the video store when I was younger. So, with those memories on my mind, I loaded up the film, sat back and relaxed and hoped that I wasn’t going to be the one getting pranked.

Streaming on: Netflix, Crackle

Directed by: Fred Walton

Starring: Jay Baker, Thomas F. Wilson, Deborah Goodrich, Ken Olandt, Griffin O’Neal

Rated: R

Tagline: Guess who’s going to be the life of the party?

Rotten Tomatoes: 36%

Number of April Fool’s Day Pranks: no less than 15

A group of college friends make plans for a week long getaway on the small private island of a good friend. As the group enters the island, they enjoy playing a few April Fool’s Day pranks on each other. As the week progresses, the friends start to disappear mysteriously and turn up dead. While the friends try to solve the reason for the killings, a young couple, Kitt and Rob, begin to put clues together to find out who the killer is. As the friends continue to be picked off one by one, Kitt and Rob, confront the weekend’s hostess, Muffy, about the murders. Muffy however, has something in store for them and shows her true intentions of inviting the guests to the island.

Things you don’t want to miss:

  • We are looking at the beginning of the shaky hand held cam movie troupe.
  • Biff gives it up on the first date.
  • Scariest music box of all time!
  • Muffy is such an unfortunate name.
  • Video cameras have come a long way since they required an over the shoulder bag.
  • Never read that version of Treasure Island in high school, I probably would have been more attentive.
  • Come on fella, everyone knows you don’t catch a knife with your stomach. Let the pranks begin.
  • Hang on to that eye so you don’t lose it.
  • When Barbie dolls hold your place at the table, you know it’s a classy affair.
  • The farts are supposed to come after the beans, not before.
  • Watch out for booby traps before going to bed.
  • What the hell kind of position is that? The Spiderman?
  • No one can have sex in this film without having someone peeping on them.
  • Snakes! Why does it always have to be snakes?
  • Those boots belong to someone who can make the earth move.
  • Ding Dong Dell, pussy’s in the well…along with some heads.
  • Apparently Lorena Bobbitt  is a guest on the island.
  • We all knew that Ned had been hanging around too long. Cue rimshot sound here.
  • Grown women playing with Barbies is always a bad sign.
  • The guests end up being quite the cast of characters.
  • Yikes, that music box is just as scary. *Wink*

Foolish Dialogue:

“Nice? It’s gonna to be bloody unbelievable.”

“Hey guy, your fly is open and your Hostess Twinkie is hangin’ out.”

“Please god, let it be Ding-Dongs!”

“Sometimes, with the tides, it could take somebody all night to get here from the main land. Yet sometimes, they don’t make it.”

“You can just take that thing and shove it right back in your pants kiddo.”

“Arch, you browned your trou(sers).”

THE FINAL WORD:

During the 80’s many movies tried to capture the popularity of the slasher movie craze. Throughout the many movies that were made, this gave audiences a chance to sit back, watch, and even accept some mindless and over the top death scenes as well as some teenage sex and nudity. Thinking that this is along the same vain that this film was going to fall into as well, I didn’t have too much hope for it. The beginning of the film started off as many other slasher films do with it’s character development. At first I was getting frustrated that all of the “killings” were all done off screen and implied. This was upsetting me because I thought I had tuned in to a slasher film for god’s sake. The cast of this movie, while no one was up for an Oscar due to their performance, wasn’t bad at all. In fact, a bit enjoyable, and each had their own distinct personality.   And hey, it has the guy who played Biff in it!! The film’s score wasn’t terrible and reminded me of the X-Files theme. I kept waiting to see Fox and Mulder pop up in various scenes. The movie’s plot wasn’t all too deep, at least at first thought. But as it played out, the title became more and more relevant to me. I am not about to spoil the movie’s ending, but I must say I didn’t see it coming. And then, I realized why the trouble was spent not having the “slashing” on screen. And as far as I am concerned this was a pleasant surprise and a creative break from the serial-killer/slasher movies of it’s time. And I warn you, this is not your typical “scary slasher flick”. It is with this slight praise and enjoyment that I give this film a 1.5 turd rating.

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Introducing: Bikini Spring Break (2012)*

*WARNING – THIS POST IS DEFINITELY FOR MATURE READERS.

bikinispringbreak_largeDuring my college years, my roommates and I looked forward to what we considered the most entertaining time of the year. No, it wasn’t the NCAA basketball tournament, although that was and still is a priority. It was the one time all year that we could just get a little wild and step away from our regular routines of school and work. When everyone had a beer in their hand and fun on their minds, when every guy who was a douchebag could get away with being a douchebag, when good looking girls would do naughty things that they would later have to apologize about, when a bunch of horned up young adults would do whatever they could for the sake of fun and the hopes of getting laid.  I’m talking of course about the week of Spring Break! Oh, those memories of trips to ski resorts and beach resorts with friends are some that I will never forget. Unfortunately, I had to grow up and now Spring Break is just another week in the year, and my girlfriend and I’s idea of a good time is going out to eat at a fancy restaurant and watching a movie on the couch before having to go back to work the next day. This year, the world of streaming video introduced us to the film “Bikini Spring Break” from The Asylum studio. Now if that alone doesn’t tell you, “BAD MOVIE ALERT!!”, than I don’t know what does.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Jared Cohn

Starring: Rachel Alig, Robert Carradine, Virginia Petrucci, Erica Drake

Rated: R

Tagline: Sweet small town girls, until…

Number of gratuitous breast shots: 32, but hey, who’s counting?

A junior college marching band gets invited to participate at Nationals in Florida, but only after accidentally exposing themselves on the big screen at their football game, which doesn’t make since knowing that football is played in the fall and Spring Break is in the spring. Anyway…on their way to Florida, the marching band bus breaks down and the five girls have to find a way to raise enough money to themselves to the competition. Of course, beings that it is Spring Break time, they are immersed coincidentally in an environment of strip clubs, jello wrestling, and wet t-shirt contests that make the opportunity for money making possible.

What you will see:

  • Boobs! and only six seconds in.
  • Give a stupid girl a video camera in a locker room full of women in various states of undress and you don’t expect something to happen?
  • Short bus turning into a long bus, back into a short bus again.
  • Dumb girl strikes again. Regular gas in a diesel tank, duh everyone knows that about buses. Don’t they?
  • How convenient is it that the first place open to take a group of college girls is a strip club?
  • Dance club montage! And more boobs!
  • Robert Carradine is doing a mighty, mighty fine job of bad acting.
  • Hmmmm…I wonder where those ladies are going to get $2000 only using their body parts and organs? Bet it’s not selling their kidneys.
  • How different would the car washing scene be if they were washing the headlights?
  • Cue the bad CG fire please.
  • Bumblebee chick from car wash doubles as a Spring Break party goer.
  • Anyone else hungry for green jello? Oh wait, it’s not for eating?
  • Stiffler look-a-like and Joey Lawrence clone just happen to be the hosts of every party during Spring Break.
  • I’m guessing it was a four-way tie for the wet t-shirt contest.
  • Does Florida even have mountain areas?
  • Anyone else hear a horrendously bad soundtrack playing in the background throughout the whole movie? It even drowned out the dialogue at times; not that that is a bad thing.
  • Riding a bull topless apparently helps a feisty red-head stay on for a record time. But officer, she was riding so fast that her top just came flying off, it’s was the bull’s fault.
  • The group must be stranded in a one cop town. He seems to be everywhere.
  • CG rain storms are a perfectly good reason to freak out hysterically.
  • Yeah for plastic trophies!!

Damn Bad Dialogue:

“Scholarships? You can get those here?”

“Ok, it’s too bad. Quief you later.”

“See that over there? This town is full of slutty sluttermans and their smutty slutfulness…”

“I am the Jello Queen, bitch!”

“I’m not baring my breasts to a bunch of perverts.”

“Craig is a pole-smoking butt pirate.”

“We’re not freaks, we’re the marching band.”

“My tits are all over the internet.”

The Final Word:

The Asylum is always best known for the no budget knockoffs of big budget movies, hoping to capitalize on some of those film’s popularity. While Bikini Spring Break isn’t a knockoff of a big budget  blockbuster but it was a throw back to the early 80’s and 90’s teen sex comedies. The film’s budget was clearly it’s biggest obstacle to overcome. Some bad editing didn’t do much to save the film either. In one particular scene, the band  has to travel to Florida via a “short bus”, but as they travel there are shots of a regular sized bus that not only changes in size, but also design and even color. The film also falls victim to a strange sense of distance. All the characters seemed to appear conveniently in places together even though they seemed to go in opposite directions. The film follows the five band members, the fact that they are band members means nothing really, but they are quick to lose their tops and playfully bounce up and down in a fit of giggles and squeals. Each of the girls has their own personality even if it involves the Spring Break banning prude; all of which were quite lovely in their own right. The acting isn’t too bad considering the dialogue that they were given. In fact, the most annoying characters were the Stiffler-type character and Robert Carradine’s character, Coach Gill. Bikini Spring Break didn’t have much to offer as a story and considering that it came from The Asylum, my expectations weren’t too high for this film. Maybe that’s why it didn’t really disappoint me to much, well, that and the fact that there wasn’t more than twenty minutes that passed before a pair of breasts came bouncing back onto the screen. Boobs aside, dare I say that this film was somewhat entertaining. So, in honor of the numerous pairs of breasts appearing in the film, I’m giving this film a pair of turds.

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Introducing: Grim (1995)

Grim Who doesn’t like a good monster movie every once in a while. It had been a while since I sat  down to a monster flick  that wasn’t a traditional zombie or ghost. While searching through the steaming library of Netflix, I ran upon a film what had the most interesting looking monster as it’s cover art. I noticed that it had a one star rating on Netflix and when searching for it in Rotten Tomatoes, it didn’t even have a rating from critics and only a 10% audience rating. With rating like those, that makes for an awful monster movie. So, I thought what the heck,what have I got to lose.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Paul Matthews

Starring: Emmanuel Xuereb (good luck pronouncing that one), Jack Chancer, David Kennedy, Tres Hanley

Rated: R

Tagline: This ain’t no fairytale

A group of spelunkers visit an old abandoned underground mine to see why there are cracks in the foundations of area homes. During their investigations of the mines, the visitors come in contact with a gigantic monster that seems to have been conjured up by a couple of the visitors during a seance at their home. The monster plays with and feeds on unsuspecting humans and keeps them locked up in cages. The monster has the ability to possess the minds of those that come in contact with it and has the uncanny propensity of walking through walls. One of the adventurers, Steve, mysteriously had a medallion that supposedly hurts the monster and he offers up his girlfriend as a sacrifice to the monster, known as Grim. During the attemptedsacrifice, the two “experts” of the group, find a way to destroy Grim by using light. This knowledge leads them to a plan that will hopefully stop the monster and get themselves out of the catacombs alive.

What you won’t want to miss:

  • Using a Ouija board to conjure up a monster or spirit means that the writers don’t want to explain where the monster comes from. Troupe alert!!
  • King Kong coming through the floor always brings an end to a séance
  • All the boys things she’s a spy, she’s got, Betty Davis eyes
  • Having problems with cracks in your foundation, join an amateur spelunking expedition. Hop they signed a liability waiver.
  • Music sounds like it came from a bargain bin 99 cent Halloween music CD.
  • Those exploding styrofoam walls sure make for great effects.
  • Watch out for the badly animated bats.
  • Red infrared sight is not the best for seeing in dark spaces.
  • Cue the upset female overacting.
  • Hey, even a monster has to kick back in the recliner too. It’s tough work…killing and eating people.
  • Hey Trish, nice of you to drop in.
  • Grim looks like nothing more than a person in a World of Warcraft orc suit.
  • I don’t suppose anyone has an explanation for the torches that are already lit. If there is no airflow, how can they stay lit?
  • And are those human sized cages on sale at just any hardware store or just those visited by man-eating trolls?
  • With teeth like those, why would a monster need a meat cleaver?
  • If you witnessed the butchering and beheading of people, you’d be  bat shit crazy too. “Here birdie, birdie.”
  • Skulls crack like ceramic masks.
  • Sunlight and bad special effects make a monster turn to stone.

Depressing Dialogue:

“Honey, what’s that disgusting smell?”

“This is spooky.” – “Oh come on, we did worse things when we were kids on Halloween.” – Giggle Giggle Giggle

“Sara, Sara, where’s my masccara Sara?”

“If anything happens, run like hell. Do you understand? Run like hell.

The Final Word:

Comments from people at IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes have crapped all over his film and going so far as to say that Grim is one of the worst movies ever made. This movie does indeed have it’s faults, but I don’t know that I would go quite that far, have any of these people not seen Mutant Hunt or Birdemic for that matter. Now, don’t get me wrong, this movie is nowhere near good. The acting is pretty bad and the soundtrack is just atrocious. The monster is somewhat interesting looking and the design probably would have been put to better use in another plot. And speaking of the plot, well, there wasn’t much of one. The story had several plot holes that were very distracting and disjointed. Where did the monster come from? Why does it choose to attack certain people? I could go in to more detail, but why should I, the movie itself didn’t. I’m giving this movie 4 turds, but only because it’s lucky that I’ve seen worse movies than Grim.

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