Introducing: Death Ship (1980)

DeathShip

Long week, needed something scary to loosen up my nerves a bit. As I have said on many occasions, I have chosen several movies based only based on the fact that I remembered the movie poster from my younger days. This week’s fare, was no different. I decided to watch the movie “Ghost Ship” solely because I remembered thinking that the poem was really cool when I was a kid. That picture of this big ship looking like is was going to eat a bunch of people on a raft was a great image. As I started watching, I’m starting to believe that I need to quit choosing films with this criteria in mind. Because as it turns out, the poster was much more intriguing than the film itself.

Streaming on: www.Bmovies.com

Directed by: Alvin Rakoff

Starring: Richard Crenna, George Kennedy, Sally Ann Howes

 

Rated: R

Tagline: Those who Survive the Ghost Ship are Better off Dead.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 20%

Number of times Ben has to take a leak: 3

A cruise ship is sunk by an old German ship that is run by the spirit of a ghostly captain. A small group of survivors board the ship thinking that they have been saved only to find out that the German vessel is completely empty. They are unaware that the ship is actually a former Nazi torture chamber for POWs which is possessed with the spirit of the former captain that tries killing them off one by one.

What you don’t want to miss:

  • Two ships sailing through open waters to start the credits with creepy Scooby Doo music in the background.
  • Masquerade Ball on a cruise ship has some of the stupidest costumes imaginable.
  • The German ship can’t make up it’s mind about what it wants to do.
  • Geico caveman really knows how to pick up the hot gypsy babes.
  • Mel Diamond and the Boys aren’t the most upbeat party cruise ship bands you’ll ever meet.
  • Leave the kid alone, when you got to go, you’ve got to go.
  • Since when does a cruise ship have built-in sandbox that are perfect for floating?
  • How convenient was it that the whole family survived while in totally different parts of the ship? Not as convenient that the captain washes up to the small sandbox in the middle of the ocean.
  • Like I said before, when you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go.
  • Rusty old stairs, they sure don’t make them like they used to.
  • Que really bad music please!
  • Ever had a ghost ship take a dump in your face?
  • Great, all these ship captains on board and not a single one knows  how to stop the winch. Ghost ship waterboarding?
  • From the looks of that bathroom, I can see why the kid pissed on the deck instead.
  • The boat still looks like crap even if it’s filmed upside down. Makes one a bit dizzy to watch actually.
  • Hey Ben, nice argyle pajamas!
  • Oh god, the record is playing  more Mel Diamond and the Boys, it IS hell.
  • Can you hear me now? Damn.
  • Did the Germans make it a habit of watching American movies on their ships?
  • Well since you can’t brush your teeth, one might as well eat a mint or two.
  • Hey captain, I’m afraid that’s not the way you perform the Heimlich.
  • You know that possession is 9/10 of the law right?
  • Damn kid must have a bladder control problem. And he hasn’t washed his hands yet.
  • Nice butt!
  • Shirtless or shitless? What is it?
  • Hey Carrie, they’re all going to laugh at you, Carrie.
  • Boobs!
  • Hapless lady, does she not know how to turn the shower off?
  • Don’t scare the poor boy, you know he’s just going to have to pee again.
  • Mannequin or human, you decide. Slut overboard!!!
  • Look at all those gold teeth. Little Wayne, eat your heart out.
  • I’m betting all the people who paid to see this movie feel like ripping down the screen and trashing the projector too.
  • Anyone else get lost somewhere between the movie room and the captain’s cabin?
  • Meat locker full of soldiers is always a good place for supplies.
  • For god sakes Nick, it’s just a bunch of skeletons, don’t be such a diva.
  • Someone might want to tell Captain Ashland,  that’s not the way you play bloody knuckles.
  • Where can I get some of those pants that lace up in the back Capt. Trevor?
  • Captain Crazy apparently doesn’t know anything about the riccocheting of bullets.
  • Nice stunt work. Not the most graceful of falls by the captain, but impressive non-the-less. Let’s give him a hand…wait for it.
  • And we end the same way we started.

Dreadful Dialogue:

“It’s as if it’s deliberately trying to ram us.”

“What is it with this ship? It’s like it’s running itself.”

“Is this Hitler?” – “Not quite, the King of England?”

“This damn ship!” – “It’s like it’s alive trying to kill us!”

“Would you like to steer her?”

“Where do you plan to sail her?” – “Eternity, Marshall…eternity.”

“I’m scared.” – “You’re scared? I’m scared shirtless.” – “It’s shitless…oops.”

The Final Word:

For the fact that this film has two pretty big stars in Richard Crenna and George Kennedy, I wasn’t all that terrible. The problem with the movie was that it tried to make itself too scary. What do I mean by that? Well between all the dialogue and long drawn out scenes with characters rummaging around for supplies, there were strange camera angles and sudden sounds to try to make a viewer jump with fright. With the popularity of the The Shining at the time this film was made, the director threw in some “flash forward” sequences that were meant to be for a scare as well. All of these ended up making the film look cheesy and dumb.  The plot was kind of disjointed at times and the whole Nazi torture ship really was a pointless reveal at the end of the film. Despite being a horror film, any real violence was only implied and other than a blood shower scene, there was no gore. Not your typical horror film.

Some film buffs might enjoy this, but there were just too many slow and droll scenes for my liking. And as far as horror/thriller films goes, this one is not one of the better films in the genre. For that reason, I’m only giving this film 2.5 turds.

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Introducing: The Versatile Blogger Award (2013)

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This is my very first blogging award nomination and I am greatly appreciative of Mike at Mike’s Film Talk for sending a nomination my way. While this blog is some good ol’ casual fun for me, you should really head over to Mike’s blog and check out not only movie reviews, but an appreciation of literature as well.

Being new to this type of thing, but seeing similar rewards on other sites that I follow, I know that there are rules that are supposed to be followed. So, here are the rules to this particular award. Have fun!

Versatile Blogger Award – Rules for those who wish to participate

1. In a post on your blog, nominate 10 fellow bloggers for The Versatile Blogger Award; and link to them.
2. In the same post, add the Versatile Blogger Award.
3. In the same post, thank the blogger who nominated you in a post with a link back to their blog.
4. In the same post, share 10 completely random pieces of information about yourself.
5. In the same post, include this set of rules.
6. Inform each nominated blogger of their nomination by posting a comment on each of their blogs.

Thanks so much again to MikesFilmTalk for the nomination!

And now for my 10 nominations (In no certain order)

1. Bad Movie Nite

2. The B-Horror Blog

3. BadMovies.org

4. With a Friend Like Gary

5. Wide World of Cult

6. Cinema Schiminema

7. Monthly Midnight Movie Exchange

8.  90s Horror Movies

9.  Bad Film Friday

10. B-Movie Brigade

And now for the 10 Random Facts about me:

1. I was a trained weather spotter for two years. My friends and I chased tornadoes around the Midwest.

2. I was named runner-up as a Kansas Elementary Teacher of the Year.

3. When I was younger, I believe that I was visited by a ghost in the house I grew up in.

4. I am in the process of writing a children’s novel.

5. Over the course of one summer, I lost 50 pounds by going off of a makeshift diet of eating Reeses Fast Break bars one day and a liquid diet for two days. I did this for three whole months. I have been able to keep most of it off since then.

6. I am the founder of a large youth sports organization in my hometown, basketball being my favorite.

7. I absolutely HATE spiders! My hatred of spiders came from when I was little after watching the movie “Kingdom of the Spiders” starring Wlliam Shatner late at night. The part that scared me the most was when the spiders started coming out of the vents in the bathrooms. Our bathroom had those same type of vents.

8. I have an aversion to bare feet. They completely gross me out. Yes, I have a pair of my own, but I don’t sit and stare at them. I think my disgust comes from years of working summer camp and having kid feet climbing all over me while swimming. Blah!!!

9. For seven years, I worked with the Chicago Bears and helped run their Punt, Pass, and Kick competitions.

10. I love going to rock concerts and I like most types of music, a guilty pleasure of mine is listening  to movie scores.

Introducing: At the Earth’s Core (1976)

At-the-Earths-CoreLong week, crappy weather, and not enough time to relax. Why not watch something that looks cheesy. Looks like At the Earth’s Core may just do the trick…or not.

Directed by: Kevin Connor

Starring: Peter Cushing, Doug McClure, Caroline Munro, Bobby Parr

Rated: PG

Tagline: They’re in it DEEP now!

Rotten Tomatoes: 33%

A wealthy young engineer puts his support into Dr. Perry’s newest invention, a drill that will drill through very thick layers of rock. While on it’s inaugurral run through the Earth, the drill called Iron Mole, breaks down about halfway through the diameter of the Earth. The two  decide to leave their drill and go exploring. While out of their vehicle. they are greeted with a whole different world located underneath the surface of the Earth complete with lush plant life, strange prehistoric creatures, and some grunting natives the have a propensity for dragging slaves all over. The two are captured and taken into the caves where they learn the secret of the underground world and the purpose for the slavery.

Things you won’t want to miss:

  • Don’t be fooled, this is no Tarzan.
  • Hey Doc, I’m not so sure your Iron Mole is going to be able to just do a 180 and go back. It’s a drill for god sakes.
  • This movie doesn’t waste any time getting to the middle of the Earth.
  • What an extraordinary sky, it looks so much like a sound stage.
  • There are even hot chicks at the Earth’s core.
  • Can you spot the black man with the blond afro? Seems a bit out of place, even in the middle of the Earth.
  • Yummy, large wild boar looking monsters feeding on puppets looks like an outtake from Team America. Be careful they’ll bite your ass.
  • Let the battle of the boars begin!! A horn to the junk will always get you a win.
  • Can anyone speak “out of tune radio frequency” so we can understand the Sagoths?
  • Let’s all be mesmerized by the giant shell-less tortoises with wings.
  • Warning: Tripping down stairs will get you a spanking with a wooden Q-Tip!
  • Since when would a Doctor know how to read a strange underground language. And why is he allowed to keep his umbrella? And a pocketknife too?
  • Don’t make the pig people mad or they’ll smack the ground with their horse tail whips.
  • Intense fight scene looks more like a rough foreplay scene between two lovers.
  • Feed me Seymour!!
  • Time to kiss and make up. “I am called David.” – “My name is Ra, and I speak perfect English. What other language do you think is spoken underground?”
  • If the girls don’t get caught by the reptile birds, then the wires surely will.
  • I fell in to a burning ring of fire.
  • Ole! Ole! Dodge the charging Hippocroc. Come on David, you’re the one with the freakin’ trident. Use the damn thing.
  • Ra must have been watching how Leia killed Jabba
  • Looking for volunteers brave enough to run through the fire curtain. Ahhh…I see we have at least one taker.
  • Sagoths have got to be the wimpiest and dumbest drone troopers I’ve ever seen.
  • Mahars originate from one big ass hard boiled egg.
  • Fire breathing frogs explode on impact.
  • Dr. Perry’s bow making skills could make him a dangerous contender in this year’s Hunger Games.
  • David’s tips on how to man-handle a woman. #1: Be Masterful!
  • Where did all these plastic plants come from?
  • Jubel isn’t so ugly, but smoking mushrooms are a weakness of his.
  • Sargoths are mind controlled to run like a troupe of cheerleaders.
  • Ra can kick some ass with a knife in his back…oh wait, it’s disappeared.
  • The Pulp Fiction Samuel L. Jackson sure shoots a mean arrow.
  • Fourth of July comes early inside the caves.
  • It’s a wig party!!
  • Best outfit Dia has worn all movie. She’s about to fall out of that top.
  • Where did the “launch” rigging come from? Did they build it from all the plastic plants in this underground land?
  • I don’t know about you, but I think  a drilling machine coming up from the Earth might be a breach of White House security. And the gardeners thought the mole’s were the only problem on the White House lawn.

Dorky Dialogue:

“Well if we’re not on Earth doc then where the hell are we? – From my observations dear friend I can positively state that we are under it.”

“Took me longer to graduate from geological engineering , than any other man in life.”

“Oh they’re so excitable, like all foreigners.”

“David, have you ever thought about going to the moon?”

“You can not mesmerize me, I’m British!”

THE FINAL WORD:

Oh boy, where do I begin? First off, this ambitious film is greatly hampered by it’s apparent lack of budget. The whole movie was obviously shot on a sound stage, with a strange purple hue with painted mountains and rocks in the background. Throughout the movie there were creatures thrown in simply for the effect of having monsters and thus giving way to the various creatures in this underground world. The creatures themselves were nothing more than people in suits ala Godzilla. Probably the most humorous effect of the whole film was a scene in which one of the creatures grabs and sinks his teeth into one of the slaves. This alone, is reason enough to watch the film. The dinosaur’s, including Peter Cushing’s, movements were pretty stiff and non-threatening. The special effects were nothing spectacular and consisted of a projection in the background with action in the foreground and fireworks as explosives. The sets were a wasteland of plaster and plastic plants, with some pools of fire thrown in for extra added effect. The film’s actor’s all showed off their chops at over-acting all the way down to the frequency grunting pig-people. Man, could they brandish a mean whip. The film’s hero, David, is a bit on the wimpy side. The cheesiness of Ra, and the curves of Munro do add to the appeal for sure. The dialogue is a bit tongue-in-cheek while trying to explain some aspects of the film’s plot, but amazingly doesn’t attempt to explain some of the story’s obvious flaws. I would be amiss if I said that this movie didn’t at least deserve a watching. With that I am giving this one 3.5 turds because I’m sure everyone will want to see tribe of underground slave people in bad wigs dance away in celebration.

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Introducing: April Fool’s Day (1986)

april fools dayApril Fool’s Day. The day known for many a plan of pranks and highjinx among those who we consider friends and family. Working with kids all day long, I have to listen to the constant joke about open flies or untied shoes and usually the most creative pranks come from the adults that I work with. Needing a little more substance to my April Fool’s Day, I saw that Netflix and Crackle were both streaming an appropriately named movie, April Fool’s Day. As I saw the movie’s cover art showing a lady holding a knife behind her back in front of a number of laughing friends with her pony tail in the form of a noose, it brought back memories of seeing it on the movie shelves when going to the video store when I was younger. So, with those memories on my mind, I loaded up the film, sat back and relaxed and hoped that I wasn’t going to be the one getting pranked.

Streaming on: Netflix, Crackle

Directed by: Fred Walton

Starring: Jay Baker, Thomas F. Wilson, Deborah Goodrich, Ken Olandt, Griffin O’Neal

Rated: R

Tagline: Guess who’s going to be the life of the party?

Rotten Tomatoes: 36%

Number of April Fool’s Day Pranks: no less than 15

A group of college friends make plans for a week long getaway on the small private island of a good friend. As the group enters the island, they enjoy playing a few April Fool’s Day pranks on each other. As the week progresses, the friends start to disappear mysteriously and turn up dead. While the friends try to solve the reason for the killings, a young couple, Kitt and Rob, begin to put clues together to find out who the killer is. As the friends continue to be picked off one by one, Kitt and Rob, confront the weekend’s hostess, Muffy, about the murders. Muffy however, has something in store for them and shows her true intentions of inviting the guests to the island.

Things you don’t want to miss:

  • We are looking at the beginning of the shaky hand held cam movie troupe.
  • Biff gives it up on the first date.
  • Scariest music box of all time!
  • Muffy is such an unfortunate name.
  • Video cameras have come a long way since they required an over the shoulder bag.
  • Never read that version of Treasure Island in high school, I probably would have been more attentive.
  • Come on fella, everyone knows you don’t catch a knife with your stomach. Let the pranks begin.
  • Hang on to that eye so you don’t lose it.
  • When Barbie dolls hold your place at the table, you know it’s a classy affair.
  • The farts are supposed to come after the beans, not before.
  • Watch out for booby traps before going to bed.
  • What the hell kind of position is that? The Spiderman?
  • No one can have sex in this film without having someone peeping on them.
  • Snakes! Why does it always have to be snakes?
  • Those boots belong to someone who can make the earth move.
  • Ding Dong Dell, pussy’s in the well…along with some heads.
  • Apparently Lorena Bobbitt  is a guest on the island.
  • We all knew that Ned had been hanging around too long. Cue rimshot sound here.
  • Grown women playing with Barbies is always a bad sign.
  • The guests end up being quite the cast of characters.
  • Yikes, that music box is just as scary. *Wink*

Foolish Dialogue:

“Nice? It’s gonna to be bloody unbelievable.”

“Hey guy, your fly is open and your Hostess Twinkie is hangin’ out.”

“Please god, let it be Ding-Dongs!”

“Sometimes, with the tides, it could take somebody all night to get here from the main land. Yet sometimes, they don’t make it.”

“You can just take that thing and shove it right back in your pants kiddo.”

“Arch, you browned your trou(sers).”

THE FINAL WORD:

During the 80’s many movies tried to capture the popularity of the slasher movie craze. Throughout the many movies that were made, this gave audiences a chance to sit back, watch, and even accept some mindless and over the top death scenes as well as some teenage sex and nudity. Thinking that this is along the same vain that this film was going to fall into as well, I didn’t have too much hope for it. The beginning of the film started off as many other slasher films do with it’s character development. At first I was getting frustrated that all of the “killings” were all done off screen and implied. This was upsetting me because I thought I had tuned in to a slasher film for god’s sake. The cast of this movie, while no one was up for an Oscar due to their performance, wasn’t bad at all. In fact, a bit enjoyable, and each had their own distinct personality.   And hey, it has the guy who played Biff in it!! The film’s score wasn’t terrible and reminded me of the X-Files theme. I kept waiting to see Fox and Mulder pop up in various scenes. The movie’s plot wasn’t all too deep, at least at first thought. But as it played out, the title became more and more relevant to me. I am not about to spoil the movie’s ending, but I must say I didn’t see it coming. And then, I realized why the trouble was spent not having the “slashing” on screen. And as far as I am concerned this was a pleasant surprise and a creative break from the serial-killer/slasher movies of it’s time. And I warn you, this is not your typical “scary slasher flick”. It is with this slight praise and enjoyment that I give this film a 1.5 turd rating.

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Introducing: Spacehunter: Adventure into the Forbidden Zone (1983)

spacehunter posterAs I was growing up, my brother and I were in awe of and loved the Star Wars movies, and wanted to watch them any chance we could. It was during this time, that Hollywood decided to ride the success of the Star Wars trilogy and pop out several low-budget space adventures. Along with my dad, we always rented any space movie that we felt had that same kind of science fiction vibe that those early Lucas movies did, obviously without much luck. However, this did bring us movies such as The Ice Pirates (that I LOVED growing up) and Battle Beyond the Stars, there were also a bunch of bad space adventures. This is why I was excited to see the 1983 film, Spacehunter in the list of films on Crackle. As I began watching it, I started to wonder if I had made the right decision or not to devote 90 minutes of my time to this film. You can take a look at the notes below to see some of the highlights of this space adventure that lacks a little time in space.

Streaming on: Crackle

Directed by: Lamont Johnson

Starring: Peter Strauss, Molly Ringwald, Michael Ironside, Ernie Hudson

Rated: PG

Tagline: Journey with Wolff and Nikki, an interstellar adventurer and young rebel. On a mission to rescue three stranded women from a planet no one has warned them about. Because no one has ever returned.

Number of Parallels to Star Wars movies: 10 – anything from the pointless “Sand People” to the android villan

A space traveling vagabond desperately in need of money comes across a distress signal to save three Earth women who have landed on a planet named Terra Eleven, when their luxury starship is attacked. When Wolff arrives on Terra Eleven he is finds that the natives of the planet have just as much interest in the three women as he does. While chasing down the Earth women, Wolff meets an orphaned Molly Ringwald who invites herself to help in his search. The hero then finds out that the women were taken to the “Forbidden Zone” that is ruled by the evil and animatronic leader, Overdog.

What you will see:

  • Opening sequence jumps right out at you. Too bad we can’t see it in 3D.
  • Do not be alarmed, you are about to see a Death Star like explosion.
  • Wolff has R2D2 hidden in his ship’s console.
  • Emergency repair procedure #1 usually works for me too.
  • Cool pirate ships can sail across sand, too bad it’s so easy to knock it out of commission.
  • Twisting a neck so that it cracks renders Earth girls unconscious instead of death.
  • Hang gliders tend to sweep girls off of their feet.
  • Hope Wolff kept the warranty on his hot android chick.
  • Spacehunter’s version of Tusken Raiders
  • Washington is lucky that his gun is the floating kind.
  • Overdog wants the girl undressed. His name should be Horndog. Does he have another piece of metal that the audience can’t see that he feels the need to satisfy?
  • Boobs!! Oh gross. Now we know what it would look like if the Michelin Man went on a diet.
  • Amphibious women are nymphomaniacs and are looking for breeders.
  • Water women are scared to death of water dragons.
  • Watch out for the mutated children, they throw bombs.
  • The maze is the Forbidden Zone’s equivalent to the TV show, Wipeout!
  • You can kill the villain’s right hand man by squeezing his baggie of toothpaste.
  • Plastic piping is always good for enclosing electrical wiring.
  • Bet it was fun blowing up that scale model.

Award Winning Dialogue:

“The police called from the 42 Sector you’ve got 105 parking tickets. I think you should take care of that.”

“Find them yourself Earther, we have blood loss here.”

“If you give me some nibbles and take me for some wheels, I’ll take you to them.”

“You, your like fly shit on a window…”

“They call me Nikki the Twister because I wriggle into small places.”

“Second bath in two days, I ought to be good for the next year.”

“Are they missing limbs? I just hate it when they are missing limbs.”

“They sure have come a long way from Monday Night Football.”

The Final Word:

I am going to confess right off the bat, that I did find this movie to be pretty enjoyable. It wasn’t anywhere close to my favorite movie by any means, but considering the other garbage I’ve seen and reviewed in earlier blog posts, this could be considered “the best of the worst.” The plot is serviceable. It tells a pretty straight forward and easy to follow story. As the film progressed, I couldn’t help but notice that there were a lot of things borrowed from prior science-fiction and adventure movies, most notably Star Wars. There were hints of Mad Max and even Indiana Jones thrown in as well. The film started off rather interesting, but seemed to get lost in it’s own ambition and need to pile in a plethora of creatures and peril to give the film a purpose. Other than the people, there are a total of five different alien beings living on this planet that the group comes in contact with. The creatures could be intriguing and interesting however the characters interact with them for a total of about three minutes, not each, but in total. I wished there would have been more interaction between the two. However, obviously not as good as the Star Wars films, the sets weren’t god awful. The “Forbidden Zone” seemed to be a bit cramped and trashy. The futuristic vehicles I thought were really well done too. My main turn off of the film was it’s villain, Overdog. Played by Michael Ironside, Overdog never really seemed like much of a threat. He was hanging cyborg who was kept alive by some breathing apparatus. While encased in a large body suit with large long metal claws, Overdog oddly was able to move quickly and freely around the zone without effort. His most threatening feature was the long claw-like arms that he didn’t really use to put others in danger with. He most intimidating feature was his gravely voice that he used to yell at everyone.

While not a must see action/adventure film, Spacehunter: Adventure in the Forbidden Zone, was mildly entertaining and I felt just fell short of something really fun. So it is with that reason that I give this film 1.5 turds out of 5 dreaded turds.

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Introducing: Bikini Spring Break (2012)*

*WARNING – THIS POST IS DEFINITELY FOR MATURE READERS.

bikinispringbreak_largeDuring my college years, my roommates and I looked forward to what we considered the most entertaining time of the year. No, it wasn’t the NCAA basketball tournament, although that was and still is a priority. It was the one time all year that we could just get a little wild and step away from our regular routines of school and work. When everyone had a beer in their hand and fun on their minds, when every guy who was a douchebag could get away with being a douchebag, when good looking girls would do naughty things that they would later have to apologize about, when a bunch of horned up young adults would do whatever they could for the sake of fun and the hopes of getting laid.  I’m talking of course about the week of Spring Break! Oh, those memories of trips to ski resorts and beach resorts with friends are some that I will never forget. Unfortunately, I had to grow up and now Spring Break is just another week in the year, and my girlfriend and I’s idea of a good time is going out to eat at a fancy restaurant and watching a movie on the couch before having to go back to work the next day. This year, the world of streaming video introduced us to the film “Bikini Spring Break” from The Asylum studio. Now if that alone doesn’t tell you, “BAD MOVIE ALERT!!”, than I don’t know what does.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Jared Cohn

Starring: Rachel Alig, Robert Carradine, Virginia Petrucci, Erica Drake

Rated: R

Tagline: Sweet small town girls, until…

Number of gratuitous breast shots: 32, but hey, who’s counting?

A junior college marching band gets invited to participate at Nationals in Florida, but only after accidentally exposing themselves on the big screen at their football game, which doesn’t make since knowing that football is played in the fall and Spring Break is in the spring. Anyway…on their way to Florida, the marching band bus breaks down and the five girls have to find a way to raise enough money to themselves to the competition. Of course, beings that it is Spring Break time, they are immersed coincidentally in an environment of strip clubs, jello wrestling, and wet t-shirt contests that make the opportunity for money making possible.

What you will see:

  • Boobs! and only six seconds in.
  • Give a stupid girl a video camera in a locker room full of women in various states of undress and you don’t expect something to happen?
  • Short bus turning into a long bus, back into a short bus again.
  • Dumb girl strikes again. Regular gas in a diesel tank, duh everyone knows that about buses. Don’t they?
  • How convenient is it that the first place open to take a group of college girls is a strip club?
  • Dance club montage! And more boobs!
  • Robert Carradine is doing a mighty, mighty fine job of bad acting.
  • Hmmmm…I wonder where those ladies are going to get $2000 only using their body parts and organs? Bet it’s not selling their kidneys.
  • How different would the car washing scene be if they were washing the headlights?
  • Cue the bad CG fire please.
  • Bumblebee chick from car wash doubles as a Spring Break party goer.
  • Anyone else hungry for green jello? Oh wait, it’s not for eating?
  • Stiffler look-a-like and Joey Lawrence clone just happen to be the hosts of every party during Spring Break.
  • I’m guessing it was a four-way tie for the wet t-shirt contest.
  • Does Florida even have mountain areas?
  • Anyone else hear a horrendously bad soundtrack playing in the background throughout the whole movie? It even drowned out the dialogue at times; not that that is a bad thing.
  • Riding a bull topless apparently helps a feisty red-head stay on for a record time. But officer, she was riding so fast that her top just came flying off, it’s was the bull’s fault.
  • The group must be stranded in a one cop town. He seems to be everywhere.
  • CG rain storms are a perfectly good reason to freak out hysterically.
  • Yeah for plastic trophies!!

Damn Bad Dialogue:

“Scholarships? You can get those here?”

“Ok, it’s too bad. Quief you later.”

“See that over there? This town is full of slutty sluttermans and their smutty slutfulness…”

“I am the Jello Queen, bitch!”

“I’m not baring my breasts to a bunch of perverts.”

“Craig is a pole-smoking butt pirate.”

“We’re not freaks, we’re the marching band.”

“My tits are all over the internet.”

The Final Word:

The Asylum is always best known for the no budget knockoffs of big budget movies, hoping to capitalize on some of those film’s popularity. While Bikini Spring Break isn’t a knockoff of a big budget  blockbuster but it was a throw back to the early 80’s and 90’s teen sex comedies. The film’s budget was clearly it’s biggest obstacle to overcome. Some bad editing didn’t do much to save the film either. In one particular scene, the band  has to travel to Florida via a “short bus”, but as they travel there are shots of a regular sized bus that not only changes in size, but also design and even color. The film also falls victim to a strange sense of distance. All the characters seemed to appear conveniently in places together even though they seemed to go in opposite directions. The film follows the five band members, the fact that they are band members means nothing really, but they are quick to lose their tops and playfully bounce up and down in a fit of giggles and squeals. Each of the girls has their own personality even if it involves the Spring Break banning prude; all of which were quite lovely in their own right. The acting isn’t too bad considering the dialogue that they were given. In fact, the most annoying characters were the Stiffler-type character and Robert Carradine’s character, Coach Gill. Bikini Spring Break didn’t have much to offer as a story and considering that it came from The Asylum, my expectations weren’t too high for this film. Maybe that’s why it didn’t really disappoint me to much, well, that and the fact that there wasn’t more than twenty minutes that passed before a pair of breasts came bouncing back onto the screen. Boobs aside, dare I say that this film was somewhat entertaining. So, in honor of the numerous pairs of breasts appearing in the film, I’m giving this film a pair of turds.

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Introducing: Grim (1995)

Grim Who doesn’t like a good monster movie every once in a while. It had been a while since I sat  down to a monster flick  that wasn’t a traditional zombie or ghost. While searching through the steaming library of Netflix, I ran upon a film what had the most interesting looking monster as it’s cover art. I noticed that it had a one star rating on Netflix and when searching for it in Rotten Tomatoes, it didn’t even have a rating from critics and only a 10% audience rating. With rating like those, that makes for an awful monster movie. So, I thought what the heck,what have I got to lose.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Paul Matthews

Starring: Emmanuel Xuereb (good luck pronouncing that one), Jack Chancer, David Kennedy, Tres Hanley

Rated: R

Tagline: This ain’t no fairytale

A group of spelunkers visit an old abandoned underground mine to see why there are cracks in the foundations of area homes. During their investigations of the mines, the visitors come in contact with a gigantic monster that seems to have been conjured up by a couple of the visitors during a seance at their home. The monster plays with and feeds on unsuspecting humans and keeps them locked up in cages. The monster has the ability to possess the minds of those that come in contact with it and has the uncanny propensity of walking through walls. One of the adventurers, Steve, mysteriously had a medallion that supposedly hurts the monster and he offers up his girlfriend as a sacrifice to the monster, known as Grim. During the attemptedsacrifice, the two “experts” of the group, find a way to destroy Grim by using light. This knowledge leads them to a plan that will hopefully stop the monster and get themselves out of the catacombs alive.

What you won’t want to miss:

  • Using a Ouija board to conjure up a monster or spirit means that the writers don’t want to explain where the monster comes from. Troupe alert!!
  • King Kong coming through the floor always brings an end to a séance
  • All the boys things she’s a spy, she’s got, Betty Davis eyes
  • Having problems with cracks in your foundation, join an amateur spelunking expedition. Hop they signed a liability waiver.
  • Music sounds like it came from a bargain bin 99 cent Halloween music CD.
  • Those exploding styrofoam walls sure make for great effects.
  • Watch out for the badly animated bats.
  • Red infrared sight is not the best for seeing in dark spaces.
  • Cue the upset female overacting.
  • Hey, even a monster has to kick back in the recliner too. It’s tough work…killing and eating people.
  • Hey Trish, nice of you to drop in.
  • Grim looks like nothing more than a person in a World of Warcraft orc suit.
  • I don’t suppose anyone has an explanation for the torches that are already lit. If there is no airflow, how can they stay lit?
  • And are those human sized cages on sale at just any hardware store or just those visited by man-eating trolls?
  • With teeth like those, why would a monster need a meat cleaver?
  • If you witnessed the butchering and beheading of people, you’d be  bat shit crazy too. “Here birdie, birdie.”
  • Skulls crack like ceramic masks.
  • Sunlight and bad special effects make a monster turn to stone.

Depressing Dialogue:

“Honey, what’s that disgusting smell?”

“This is spooky.” – “Oh come on, we did worse things when we were kids on Halloween.” – Giggle Giggle Giggle

“Sara, Sara, where’s my masccara Sara?”

“If anything happens, run like hell. Do you understand? Run like hell.

The Final Word:

Comments from people at IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes have crapped all over his film and going so far as to say that Grim is one of the worst movies ever made. This movie does indeed have it’s faults, but I don’t know that I would go quite that far, have any of these people not seen Mutant Hunt or Birdemic for that matter. Now, don’t get me wrong, this movie is nowhere near good. The acting is pretty bad and the soundtrack is just atrocious. The monster is somewhat interesting looking and the design probably would have been put to better use in another plot. And speaking of the plot, well, there wasn’t much of one. The story had several plot holes that were very distracting and disjointed. Where did the monster come from? Why does it choose to attack certain people? I could go in to more detail, but why should I, the movie itself didn’t. I’m giving this movie 4 turds, but only because it’s lucky that I’ve seen worse movies than Grim.

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Introducing: The Norseman (1978)

the norseman 001This past week, I’ve been seeing different previews and advertisements online for a new upcoming series on The History Channel simply called Vikings. While it looks to me like their attempt to capitalize on the Game of Thrones fame, I looks intriguing to me. Since I don’t have cable, I’ll have to get a feel for Vikings by looking through my streaming resources. Low and behold, as if it were a sign from the movie gods, when I loaded up Netflix, nestled in the Just Added section was a movie called The Norseman. And when I saw that it starred Lee Majors, I knew I was on to something truly cheese-tastic.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Charles B. Pierce

Starring: Lee Majors, Cornel Wilde, Mel Ferrer, Susie Coelho

Rated: PG

Tagline: None

In 1006, a Viking prince sails to America to rescue his father who is being held captive by some vicious native Americans. At the turn of the 11th Century, Lee Majors is  Thorvald, a Viking from the land of the Norse, accompanied by his younger brother, a hunchbacked wizard, and a peanut gallery full of horn-helmeted vikings. Upon reaching the main land the group is attacked by Indians and their troubles begin. A young Indian girl befriends Thorvald and leads them to the location of their lost Viking family members who are suffering from bouts of torture and abuse at the hands of the Indians. This ignites yet another and final Viking vs Indian fight scene.

Notices and Wonders:

  • Summary of scrolling text at the beginning, the Vikings are coming to the Americas.
  • Row! Row! Row!
  • Hey, could somebody please turn down the orchestra? We can’t hear the narration.
  • Not very often the narrator gets created in a film.
  • One little, two little, three little indians. Their arrows strike hard and true, but they apparently aim for the ass.
  • Thorvald (Lee Majors) must look the farthest thing from a Viking, what with his Kentucky accent, porno stache, Zorro mask, and Roman Gladiator armor.
  • Bad wigs all around for the blind guys.
  • Big round pillows are awfully hard to grind corn with.
  • In between Gandalf and Dumbledore, there was King Eurich.
  • Indian and Viking love triangles never end well.
  • Slow motion fighting isn’t good with cheaply made props. Shields shouldn’t bend like cardboard. And that is some bright red paint at the end of those swords.
  • Hey buddy, if you’re going to throw your axe, don’t come up short.
  • The inside of that boat seems to be at least double the size of the outside.
  • The old Indian woman bears a striking resemblance to Mama Fratelli from Goonies.
  • Be careful with that hot poker, you might actually burn someone. Especially if you actually touched them with it.
  • Blind Vikings walk like zombies and are strong enough to kill two fat Indians.
  • Viking armor must be made of aluminum cans if a single arrow can penetrate it.
  • Two more fat Indians down. What had these guys been eating? They’ve got Viking grog bellies.
  • Can you spot the hairy chested Indians?
  • Dragging blind men along on a pike shouldn’t slow you down, their asses need to keep up.
  • Epic Thorvald the Viking Baywatch moment!!
  • More slo-mo indian killing.
  • Wizards’s falcon for the win
  • Thanks city of Newburn, North Carolina for furnishing the Viking boat. Funny.

Quotable Quotes:

“Spin your spell wizard.”

“It written that this new land, will be called Vineland.”

“As Odin has been my strength, you will be my eyes.”

“Let it be written that the name Olaf shall live on in the land of the Norse.”

The Final Word:

Let it be written that the movie, The Norseman, is…cheesy. The film classified as an action/adventure flick, but even that would be a stretch. The fight scenes themselves were quite humorous and looked like a fight that one would see during a play being performed at any local high school. Every punch, kick, stabbing, clubbing, and knife swing, noticeably missed their mark and this was highlighted by the slow-motion battle scenes. The characters fall victims to unfortunate stereotypes; the Vikings were stupid and looked as much with their horned helmets and silly six pack formed armor; the Indians with their brightly colored face paint and the constant whooping and hollering all through out their attacks. Stereotypes aside, the dialogue spoken by anyone was more barbaric than the Vikings themselves. I was humored by the appearance of football star Deacon Jones as the only black Viking – was there even such a thing in history? Probably the worst of all the acting came from the star itself, Lee Majors. He seemed as though he was half asleep and bored throughout the whole film. I’m guessing that many people may actually like this flick and I am sounding a little harsher than I should be because as bad as it seemed, the film was slightly entertaining. I give this movie 3 turds out of 5. While it was somewhat enjoyable, The Norseman would have been more fun to watch with a larger group of people.

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Introducing: Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2008)

birdemic 001Upon looking on the internet for some of Netflix’s worst streaming movies, one in particular kept being mentioned over and over again, Birdemic: Shock and Terror. This past year, we narrowly escaped the end of the world of during 2012. What is going to be the next “big scare” that will endanger our species. We’ve had swine flu, possible asteroid collisions, Global warming, and even the bird flu. This particular story centers around a bird flu and environmental attack. It sounded a lot like M. Night Shyamalan’s  The Happening, and I know that it sucked. So I thought, what the heck, let’s see just how bad this movie was. Couldn’t have been any worse than what I’ve already seen in the past right. Little did I know what I would be in for. Maybe if you’re lucky, birds will come and gouge your eyes out before you push play so you won’t have to endure the 93 minutes of torture that  did.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: James Nguyen

Starring: Alan Bagh, Whitney Moore, Adam Sessa

Rated: NR

Tagline: Why did the eagles and vultures attack? (Good f’n question!!)

Rod, a software salesman, turned budding entrepreneur meets an old high school classmate, Nathalie, a Victoria’s Secret model. They get together for dinner and are obviously charmed by each other’s dull conversations, after which, they begin a relationship. Once few dates have gone by and visit to mother, Nathalie and Rod spend the night of sloppy and slurpy foreplay in a cheap motel and are awakened by the sounds of birds outside their window. They see that their town is being bombarded by eagles and vultures who dive bomb and explode upon hitting the ground. Rod and Nathalie meet another couple in the hotel and escape in their mini van that is apparently filled to the hilt with all sorts of illegal firearms. As they leave town, the foursome come upon two children whose parents have been violently killed and pecked to death by the deadly birds. The troupe rolls on from town to town meeting some interesting people along the way who propagate their environmental messages to the group. As the birds begin to leave a death trail of group members, the survivors must find out what is causing the attacks and how they can save themselves.

Things you might miss:

  • In case one hasn’t noticed by now, our main character likes to randomly drive places.
  • Oh my god, within the first ten minutes of the film I can already tell that this is an editing genius/nightmare.
  • Awkward and creepy exchange of business cards.
  • $4.59 for gas!! Good lord!
  • So glad we get to follow Rod everywhere with some epic musical score. If we follow him into the bathroom too, I’m done.
  • A one million dollar sale! Selling of what, we don’t know. Damn telemarketers.
  • The sound editing leaves a little to be desired
  • I’m sensing a “green” theme here.
  • Wow, I’m sure that conversation has her truly interested, if she doesn’t fall asleep. More labored dialogue please.
  • Yikes, some bad effects scenes forthcoming. CGI and birds and a green screen dance club, what more could you want from a film?
  • Imagine Peace – shameless website plug
  • Thirty minutes in to the film and we’ve not seen any birds.
  • ONE BILLION DOLLARS!!! And stock options.
  • Clap clap clap clap /stop/ Clap clap clap clap/ Stop /Clap clap clap clap
  • There is some more labored dialogue between the two lovers, too bad we can’t hear it over the waves.
  • Dead CGI bird on the beach – but don’t touch, it may be infectious.
  • 40 minutes in – still no bird attacks.
  • Dancing in an empty restaurant listening to some black guy singing about hanging with his family must be a turn on.
  • Glad to know that she liked guys who didn’t always want sex, but Nathalie didn’t put up much of a fight for a night in some cheap motel. And with some dirty, nasty feet even. Gross.
  • Finally, here come the birds! Dive bombing various places around town and exploding on contact. Kamikazee birds? Complete with their own airplane sounds.
  • The sound of the eagles is driving my dog crazy.
  • Watch out! It’s more birds on a string, kill them with a clothes hanger.
  • Bet you didn’t know that eagles can defy physics and hover in one spot for a long periods of time.
  • Screw those conceal and carry laws, we’re doing a drive by on some birds in a van that sounds like a small tank.
  • More uncomfortable dialogue, too bad we can’t hear it over the highway noise.  And why aren’t any of the vehicles on the highway affected by this bird apocalypse?
  • Who needs a safety seat for kids when you can stuff them in the trunk.
  • Okay, okay, we get the “Save the Environment” theme of the film, but do you have to recycle and reuse scenes over again, and again, and again.
  • What a great idea during a bird attack, spend the afternoon in a completely open area having a picnic.
  • More environmental rants about global warming please along with a badly looped music track.
  • So, where exactly did the guys get their scars from?
  • You know it’s not your day if you’re attacked by birds whilst dropping a stink pickle.
  • Could these guys be a worse shot? Why not shot the birds directly over your heads?
  • And viola, scars are gone.
  • How passengers on the bus escape being killed by errant bullets we’ll never know.
  • Ummm…bird piss or vomit. You decide.
  • $100 dollars a gallon? That’s about all I got from the man with the marbles in his mouth. These birds are apparently have quite the impact on the global economy.
  • If something ran into a gas tank and exploded wouldn’t the whole station explode with it?
  • Woody Harrelson look alike is a tree hugger who gives yet another riveting global warming rant.
  • And the forest spontaneously bursts into small pockets of flames.
  • See what imagining peace will get you?
  • How convenient, a fishing rod and a small stove. Keep looking you might find perfectly formed hamburger patties and bags of chips. And oh look hot dogs!!
  • Kamikaze bird, meet Mr. Windshield.
  • Thank god for the caravan of doves flying south for the winter to some epic and dramatic music and credits. – Well maybe they will fly south or just stay suspended in midair.

Academy Award winning dialogue:

“A day without sex, is a day wasted man.”

“Some of my friends say that my B.S. degree stands for bullshit.”

“Man, that was a good movie! An Inconvenient Truth!”

“Look, there’s dead people on the side of the road. Let’s go see if there’s any survivors.”

“It’s the human species that needs to quit playing cowboy with nature. We must act more like astronauts, spacemen taking care of Spaceship Earth.”

“The eagles have killed our friends, do you have a phone?”

“I hear a mountain lion, I better get to my house, and you better get back to your car.”

The Final Bird…I Mean Word

So can this film be described as one of the worst movies ever made? In my opinion, yes. I had read somewhere that a writer once referred to this movie as a “trash-terpiece.” There have been better movies made by young teens on YouTube these days. Now I know that this movie was made on a less than meager budget, but come on, I’ve seen better acting in porn films. Each character’s dialogue was robotic and was either made up on the fly or read word for word from a cue card. The characters themselves weren’t even interesting. The only character that showed any type of enthusiasm and made an attempt to act was Nathalie’s mom and she kept noticeably stumbling over her lines. The editing was absolutely atrocious and felt like a five year old had used scissors to make a snowflake out of the film reel  and the director hurriedly pieced it back together. Some character’s lines were even cut off as the film cut from one scene to the next.  Oh, and the CG birds, don’t even get me started.  I had trouble telling if they were computer generated or paper cut outs in some scenes. Some even looked as though they were tied to strings and left to hang. Yes, this movie is hilariously awful. Were the filmmakers trying to make a stupid movie or did they think they had something good on their hands here? Either way, they missed the boat; completely. There were a couple of points in the movie when I was praying for a bird to swoop in, hover over me, and peck my eyes out so I didn’t have to finish the film.

This movie is easily one of the worst I think I’ve seen and it’s easy to rate this one, and I don’t feel the slightest bit of regret for doing so. Birdemic: Shock and Terror left me shocked that someone could make such crap and in terror to hear that a sequel has been made. Without thinking twice, I give this movie 5 turds. Not only would I give it five turds, but I would put them in a bag and light it on fire as well.

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Just take a look at these screen shots. Ugh…

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Introducing: Godzilla’s Revenge (1969)

godzilla mainIn the heart of the winter months, nothing is better than snuggling up on the couch with a warm blanket, some cocoa, and you video streaming services. I was looking for something different, something I hadn’t watched or reviewed before. Whilst surfing through my streaming resources, I found an old classic from my younger days, Godzilla!! So I prepped my self for some really bad English over dubbing and queued up the movie, Godzilla’s Revenge. This one, as I read more about it, tends to regarded as the worst Godzilla movie ever made. Well, we can be the judge of that.

Streaming on: Hulu+

Directed by: Ishiro Honda

Starring: Kenji Sahara, Tomonori Yazaki

Rated: G

Tagline: None

Number of high pitched monster growls: 50

A young boy name Ichiro has dreams that help him escape from his own reality and into one on Monster Island. This is his way of coping with his dull home life and neighborhood bullies. Monster Island is ruled by Godzilla and in his dreams, Ichiro becomes friends with Godzilla’s son, Minya, who learns how to be brave himself with the help of his father, Godzilla, as they battle with the monster Gabara.

Things you won’t want to miss:

  • Interesting monster compilation to start the title sequence.
  • Japanese children bully by jumping up and down and making funny faces at each other. Those retched souls.
  • Hey, Ichiro, nice shorty shorts.
  • Miniature computer for children? I suppose back then that was considered miniature. The tiger logo means it’s for kids.
  • Ichiro has one mean growl, either that or he is very constipated.
  • Godzilla body slamming a large praying mantis looking thing with ease, like Hulk Hogan bodyslamming Andre the Giant.
  • Monster Island is like a Jurassic Park gone wrong.
  • Minya must be the early 70’s version of Barney the Dinosaur.
  • How convenient, the bully and the bad monster have the same name. Ahhh I see the connection that the filmmakers wanted us to make. Clever, clever.
  • Little boys shouldn’t hump the grill of a car, especially one that’s being sold.
  • Godzilla must be a really good soccer player.
  • Baby Godzilla looks more like a Sid and Marty Kroft character, and why the hell can it talk? And why do I remember Godzilla’s kid being named Godzooki? Was that a Scooby Doo episode or am I just dreaming?
  • Young monsters shouldn’t smoke, all they can do is make smoke rings/plus it stunts their growth.
  • Are there any monsters on Monster Island that get a long with each other?
  • Planes that have very bad aim are easy to swat down.
  • Did you know that stepping on a lizards tail makes them breath fire?
  • Uh oh, be careful, the red mohawk is glowing, what a shocker!!
  • Apparently child abuse is allowed on the Monster Island.
  • Monster catapult – Score about a 3.5 on the landing. The Russian judge is tough.
  • Anyone else think that Ichiro is a dead ringer for the kid named Russell in the movie Up?
  • The criminals in this movie must be some of the most clumsy people ever.
  • Slow/stop motion kid fight that looks more like a forbidden dance than anything.
  • That a boy Ichiro make friends with the bullies by being one. Real smart thinking.

Dreadful Dialogue:

“No I wasn’t, I had a frat tire and the spare wasn’t even there.”

“Godzilla says that we have to fight our own battles and not be cowards.”

“Hey that car looks familiar; hey it’s my car.”

Final Word:

First of all let me say that I watched several Godzilla movies growing up. I don’t remember all the names of them, but I distinctly remember that awful growling noise that he always made.I was hoping as the title sequence rolled through, that we would have the opportunity to see all the monsters that were featured. Apparently, this movie was clipped together from pieces and parts of other Godzilla movies. And let me just get this out of the way, I hated…hated the Minya character. And with a passion too. All I could think about was Sigmund the Sea Monster when it was on the screen. I t moved exactly the same and had almost exactly the same voice. Oh yeah, and did I mentioned that it talked. Stupid. The music was exactly what you’d expect from an early 80’s movie. The acting wasn’t all that bad, but everyone had to work with such a cheesy script to begin with. I was never a huge Godzilla fan, so the lore of Godzilla escapes me. The three bipedal monsters were obviously people in costume, in fact I could have sworn that I saw the Godzilla head piece life up at least once. This film would be worth it just to watch only once if you were in to Godzilla. It doesn’t deserve any more than one viewing however. With that said, I give this film a rating of 2.5 turds, I would say it’s about middle of the road as far as terrible goes.

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