Tag Archives: 1.5 turds

Introducing: Bloody Birthday (1981)

bloody birthday coverThis week marks a large milestone for our little piece of heaven on the web we have here. This week, we turn one year old! A whole year and my how we’ve grown. Unfortunately, haven’t matured a whole heck of a lot and our taste in movies hasn’t gotten any better either. So to celebrate our impending first birthday, I’ve decided to watch a classic piece of masterful cinema about a birthday, the film, Bloody Birthday. I mean what better way to celebrate your birthday with a cheesy movie about killer kids? How can one go wrong with that surefire premise. Right? If one wanted to spend about 83 minutes of mindless movie watching, this one just might take the cake (pun intended). To help, we’ve listed the most important things to take away from the film.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Ed Hunt

Starring: Lori Lethin, Melina Cordell, Billy Jacoby, Andy Freeman, Elizabeth Hoy, K.C. Martel

Rated: R

Tagline: The Nightmare Begins with the Kids Next Door

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 0% Critics – 41% Audience

Number of

Plot: Three children are born during a solar eclipse and have their blood lust seemingly awakened ten years later. They begin to leave a bloody trail of friends and family in their small community. It’s a classmate and neighbor kid who seems suspicious of them and along with his older sister, try their best to stop the three little heathens.

Things you won’t want to miss:

  • No budget wasted on the opening credits that’s for sure – plain white lettering on black with a creepy piano playing in the background.
  • It’s a boy, it’s girl, and it’s a boy! With a birth, shouldn’t dilation be getting bigger?  Oops, nevermind it’s a lunar eclipse.
  • Boobs!
  • Ohhh baby, loving the pink ribbon tied around the neck. What a hottie!
  • Ah, remember the good old days of school? When children sat quietly in rows and police officers could come and interrogate them about the local murder?
  • Boobs!
  • Careful little fellas, you’re liable to make another hole on that wall a little lower.
  • Dancing sister really likes the color red (bra – when she’s wearing it, panties, pants, and halter top)
  • For a ten year old boy, that is sixty cents well spent.
  • Little Steven is trying to show off for his girlfriend by having batting practice with her dad’s head. How romantic.
  • Hide and Seek is a lot of fun until someone gets locked in a refrigerator. Thankfully for Timmy he’s a young MacGyver.
  • Even at ten years old, girls are already crazy about scrapbooking.
  • You can tell it’s the early 80’s when teachers are more concerned about being snuck upon than having a gun pointed at their face.
  • Sometimes paper towels can’t decide if they want to be on the floor or not.
  • Play Doctor? Sounds like little Debbie has a secret crush on Timmy, the little rascal.
  • First a dead teacher falls on you and then a random car tries to run her over in a junkyard. Poor Joyce is not having a very good day.
  • Who knew Saturn was so important to the morals and virtues of mankind.
  • Important Note to Parents #1: Plastering posters of Deborah Henry and Erik Estrada on the bedroom walls will make your teens horny.
  • Boobs, butt, and BANG!
  • Did the clown steal the “I CAN’T SAY NO” t-shirt from the red bra and panties sister?
  • Damn it, that cake looked good too.
  • Be careful with that arrow, you’ll shoot your eye out!
  • Apparently Nugget the dog needs another eye as well.
  • Now Steven, we all saw you take a glance over at the camera (1:12:13)
  • Kind of hard to strangle someone when their boob gets in the way.
  • Nice shot, right through Eddie Van Halen’s head!
  • Most creative way of stopping a killer, dump a smelly fish bowl over his head.
  • After shooting thirteen bullets, that six-shooter should be empty.

Killer Quotes:

“You wanna play ambulance?”

“That bell does not mean that you are dismissed, it is a signal only for me to dismiss you.”

“Honestly Beverly, he’s got a mind like an X-Rated soap opera.” (Is there such a thing?)

“But what if she catches us?” – “No way. Her brains are in her bra.”

“You wanna play doctor?”

“Watch what you’re saying, he’s never told a lie in his life.” (Well then, just your typical 10 year old I guess.)

“Don’t worry mommy, from now on I’m going to be a good little girl.”

THE FINAL WORD:

If I could sum this film up in one word it would be…creepy. Creepy because of the premise of the film and creepy because unfortunately, there could be some kids today that have the same thoughts as the three young serial killers in the movie. This is definitely a movie that would not have been made today due to the content and the current state of our nation. One could also argue that creepy would also describe the trio of young actors at the center of the film. They were actually pretty good. In fact, the best acted part of the whole film was the child actors. Billy Jacoby played the sadistic, evil, and smart, Curtis, particularly well and has a psychotic look in his eye. One scene in particular that made me appreciate a couple of other child actors was one in which two of them were sitting on their porch discussing the murder of a friend. The hurt in their eyes looked genuine. The adults in the film were just there as fluff and to give them someone to kill. As a whole, the film is morbidly entertaining. The dialogue is nothing spectacular and the script has about as much disregard for the plot as the child killers did for their victims. The music was a hacked up mixture of Jaws and Friday the 13th but not distracting. If that isn’t enough, then have fun seeing the clothes, household furniture and surroundings, and other items that were reminiscent of the early 80’s. Call it generosity due to our own birthday or a macabre personality, but I actually had some fun with this movie. A lot of similarities to another film we watched earlier called The Children. The movie gets 1.5 turds and I suggest that others give it a chance.

bloody birthday capture 001

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Introducing: April Fool’s Day (1986)

april fools dayApril Fool’s Day. The day known for many a plan of pranks and highjinx among those who we consider friends and family. Working with kids all day long, I have to listen to the constant joke about open flies or untied shoes and usually the most creative pranks come from the adults that I work with. Needing a little more substance to my April Fool’s Day, I saw that Netflix and Crackle were both streaming an appropriately named movie, April Fool’s Day. As I saw the movie’s cover art showing a lady holding a knife behind her back in front of a number of laughing friends with her pony tail in the form of a noose, it brought back memories of seeing it on the movie shelves when going to the video store when I was younger. So, with those memories on my mind, I loaded up the film, sat back and relaxed and hoped that I wasn’t going to be the one getting pranked.

Streaming on: Netflix, Crackle

Directed by: Fred Walton

Starring: Jay Baker, Thomas F. Wilson, Deborah Goodrich, Ken Olandt, Griffin O’Neal

Rated: R

Tagline: Guess who’s going to be the life of the party?

Rotten Tomatoes: 36%

Number of April Fool’s Day Pranks: no less than 15

A group of college friends make plans for a week long getaway on the small private island of a good friend. As the group enters the island, they enjoy playing a few April Fool’s Day pranks on each other. As the week progresses, the friends start to disappear mysteriously and turn up dead. While the friends try to solve the reason for the killings, a young couple, Kitt and Rob, begin to put clues together to find out who the killer is. As the friends continue to be picked off one by one, Kitt and Rob, confront the weekend’s hostess, Muffy, about the murders. Muffy however, has something in store for them and shows her true intentions of inviting the guests to the island.

Things you don’t want to miss:

  • We are looking at the beginning of the shaky hand held cam movie troupe.
  • Biff gives it up on the first date.
  • Scariest music box of all time!
  • Muffy is such an unfortunate name.
  • Video cameras have come a long way since they required an over the shoulder bag.
  • Never read that version of Treasure Island in high school, I probably would have been more attentive.
  • Come on fella, everyone knows you don’t catch a knife with your stomach. Let the pranks begin.
  • Hang on to that eye so you don’t lose it.
  • When Barbie dolls hold your place at the table, you know it’s a classy affair.
  • The farts are supposed to come after the beans, not before.
  • Watch out for booby traps before going to bed.
  • What the hell kind of position is that? The Spiderman?
  • No one can have sex in this film without having someone peeping on them.
  • Snakes! Why does it always have to be snakes?
  • Those boots belong to someone who can make the earth move.
  • Ding Dong Dell, pussy’s in the well…along with some heads.
  • Apparently Lorena Bobbitt  is a guest on the island.
  • We all knew that Ned had been hanging around too long. Cue rimshot sound here.
  • Grown women playing with Barbies is always a bad sign.
  • The guests end up being quite the cast of characters.
  • Yikes, that music box is just as scary. *Wink*

Foolish Dialogue:

“Nice? It’s gonna to be bloody unbelievable.”

“Hey guy, your fly is open and your Hostess Twinkie is hangin’ out.”

“Please god, let it be Ding-Dongs!”

“Sometimes, with the tides, it could take somebody all night to get here from the main land. Yet sometimes, they don’t make it.”

“You can just take that thing and shove it right back in your pants kiddo.”

“Arch, you browned your trou(sers).”

THE FINAL WORD:

During the 80’s many movies tried to capture the popularity of the slasher movie craze. Throughout the many movies that were made, this gave audiences a chance to sit back, watch, and even accept some mindless and over the top death scenes as well as some teenage sex and nudity. Thinking that this is along the same vain that this film was going to fall into as well, I didn’t have too much hope for it. The beginning of the film started off as many other slasher films do with it’s character development. At first I was getting frustrated that all of the “killings” were all done off screen and implied. This was upsetting me because I thought I had tuned in to a slasher film for god’s sake. The cast of this movie, while no one was up for an Oscar due to their performance, wasn’t bad at all. In fact, a bit enjoyable, and each had their own distinct personality.   And hey, it has the guy who played Biff in it!! The film’s score wasn’t terrible and reminded me of the X-Files theme. I kept waiting to see Fox and Mulder pop up in various scenes. The movie’s plot wasn’t all too deep, at least at first thought. But as it played out, the title became more and more relevant to me. I am not about to spoil the movie’s ending, but I must say I didn’t see it coming. And then, I realized why the trouble was spent not having the “slashing” on screen. And as far as I am concerned this was a pleasant surprise and a creative break from the serial-killer/slasher movies of it’s time. And I warn you, this is not your typical “scary slasher flick”. It is with this slight praise and enjoyment that I give this film a 1.5 turd rating.

april fools day 3

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Introducing: Spacehunter: Adventure into the Forbidden Zone (1983)

spacehunter posterAs I was growing up, my brother and I were in awe of and loved the Star Wars movies, and wanted to watch them any chance we could. It was during this time, that Hollywood decided to ride the success of the Star Wars trilogy and pop out several low-budget space adventures. Along with my dad, we always rented any space movie that we felt had that same kind of science fiction vibe that those early Lucas movies did, obviously without much luck. However, this did bring us movies such as The Ice Pirates (that I LOVED growing up) and Battle Beyond the Stars, there were also a bunch of bad space adventures. This is why I was excited to see the 1983 film, Spacehunter in the list of films on Crackle. As I began watching it, I started to wonder if I had made the right decision or not to devote 90 minutes of my time to this film. You can take a look at the notes below to see some of the highlights of this space adventure that lacks a little time in space.

Streaming on: Crackle

Directed by: Lamont Johnson

Starring: Peter Strauss, Molly Ringwald, Michael Ironside, Ernie Hudson

Rated: PG

Tagline: Journey with Wolff and Nikki, an interstellar adventurer and young rebel. On a mission to rescue three stranded women from a planet no one has warned them about. Because no one has ever returned.

Number of Parallels to Star Wars movies: 10 – anything from the pointless “Sand People” to the android villan

A space traveling vagabond desperately in need of money comes across a distress signal to save three Earth women who have landed on a planet named Terra Eleven, when their luxury starship is attacked. When Wolff arrives on Terra Eleven he is finds that the natives of the planet have just as much interest in the three women as he does. While chasing down the Earth women, Wolff meets an orphaned Molly Ringwald who invites herself to help in his search. The hero then finds out that the women were taken to the “Forbidden Zone” that is ruled by the evil and animatronic leader, Overdog.

What you will see:

  • Opening sequence jumps right out at you. Too bad we can’t see it in 3D.
  • Do not be alarmed, you are about to see a Death Star like explosion.
  • Wolff has R2D2 hidden in his ship’s console.
  • Emergency repair procedure #1 usually works for me too.
  • Cool pirate ships can sail across sand, too bad it’s so easy to knock it out of commission.
  • Twisting a neck so that it cracks renders Earth girls unconscious instead of death.
  • Hang gliders tend to sweep girls off of their feet.
  • Hope Wolff kept the warranty on his hot android chick.
  • Spacehunter’s version of Tusken Raiders
  • Washington is lucky that his gun is the floating kind.
  • Overdog wants the girl undressed. His name should be Horndog. Does he have another piece of metal that the audience can’t see that he feels the need to satisfy?
  • Boobs!! Oh gross. Now we know what it would look like if the Michelin Man went on a diet.
  • Amphibious women are nymphomaniacs and are looking for breeders.
  • Water women are scared to death of water dragons.
  • Watch out for the mutated children, they throw bombs.
  • The maze is the Forbidden Zone’s equivalent to the TV show, Wipeout!
  • You can kill the villain’s right hand man by squeezing his baggie of toothpaste.
  • Plastic piping is always good for enclosing electrical wiring.
  • Bet it was fun blowing up that scale model.

Award Winning Dialogue:

“The police called from the 42 Sector you’ve got 105 parking tickets. I think you should take care of that.”

“Find them yourself Earther, we have blood loss here.”

“If you give me some nibbles and take me for some wheels, I’ll take you to them.”

“You, your like fly shit on a window…”

“They call me Nikki the Twister because I wriggle into small places.”

“Second bath in two days, I ought to be good for the next year.”

“Are they missing limbs? I just hate it when they are missing limbs.”

“They sure have come a long way from Monday Night Football.”

The Final Word:

I am going to confess right off the bat, that I did find this movie to be pretty enjoyable. It wasn’t anywhere close to my favorite movie by any means, but considering the other garbage I’ve seen and reviewed in earlier blog posts, this could be considered “the best of the worst.” The plot is serviceable. It tells a pretty straight forward and easy to follow story. As the film progressed, I couldn’t help but notice that there were a lot of things borrowed from prior science-fiction and adventure movies, most notably Star Wars. There were hints of Mad Max and even Indiana Jones thrown in as well. The film started off rather interesting, but seemed to get lost in it’s own ambition and need to pile in a plethora of creatures and peril to give the film a purpose. Other than the people, there are a total of five different alien beings living on this planet that the group comes in contact with. The creatures could be intriguing and interesting however the characters interact with them for a total of about three minutes, not each, but in total. I wished there would have been more interaction between the two. However, obviously not as good as the Star Wars films, the sets weren’t god awful. The “Forbidden Zone” seemed to be a bit cramped and trashy. The futuristic vehicles I thought were really well done too. My main turn off of the film was it’s villain, Overdog. Played by Michael Ironside, Overdog never really seemed like much of a threat. He was hanging cyborg who was kept alive by some breathing apparatus. While encased in a large body suit with large long metal claws, Overdog oddly was able to move quickly and freely around the zone without effort. His most threatening feature was the long claw-like arms that he didn’t really use to put others in danger with. He most intimidating feature was his gravely voice that he used to yell at everyone.

While not a must see action/adventure film, Spacehunter: Adventure in the Forbidden Zone, was mildly entertaining and I felt just fell short of something really fun. So it is with that reason that I give this film 1.5 turds out of 5 dreaded turds.

spacehunter villan

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