Tag Archives: 2.5 turds

Introducing: Death Ship (1980)

DeathShip

Long week, needed something scary to loosen up my nerves a bit. As I have said on many occasions, I have chosen several movies based only based on the fact that I remembered the movie poster from my younger days. This week’s fare, was no different. I decided to watch the movie “Ghost Ship” solely because I remembered thinking that the poem was really cool when I was a kid. That picture of this big ship looking like is was going to eat a bunch of people on a raft was a great image. As I started watching, I’m starting to believe that I need to quit choosing films with this criteria in mind. Because as it turns out, the poster was much more intriguing than the film itself.

Streaming on: www.Bmovies.com

Directed by: Alvin Rakoff

Starring: Richard Crenna, George Kennedy, Sally Ann Howes

 

Rated: R

Tagline: Those who Survive the Ghost Ship are Better off Dead.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 20%

Number of times Ben has to take a leak: 3

A cruise ship is sunk by an old German ship that is run by the spirit of a ghostly captain. A small group of survivors board the ship thinking that they have been saved only to find out that the German vessel is completely empty. They are unaware that the ship is actually a former Nazi torture chamber for POWs which is possessed with the spirit of the former captain that tries killing them off one by one.

What you don’t want to miss:

  • Two ships sailing through open waters to start the credits with creepy Scooby Doo music in the background.
  • Masquerade Ball on a cruise ship has some of the stupidest costumes imaginable.
  • The German ship can’t make up it’s mind about what it wants to do.
  • Geico caveman really knows how to pick up the hot gypsy babes.
  • Mel Diamond and the Boys aren’t the most upbeat party cruise ship bands you’ll ever meet.
  • Leave the kid alone, when you got to go, you’ve got to go.
  • Since when does a cruise ship have built-in sandbox that are perfect for floating?
  • How convenient was it that the whole family survived while in totally different parts of the ship? Not as convenient that the captain washes up to the small sandbox in the middle of the ocean.
  • Like I said before, when you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go.
  • Rusty old stairs, they sure don’t make them like they used to.
  • Que really bad music please!
  • Ever had a ghost ship take a dump in your face?
  • Great, all these ship captains on board and not a single one knows  how to stop the winch. Ghost ship waterboarding?
  • From the looks of that bathroom, I can see why the kid pissed on the deck instead.
  • The boat still looks like crap even if it’s filmed upside down. Makes one a bit dizzy to watch actually.
  • Hey Ben, nice argyle pajamas!
  • Oh god, the record is playing  more Mel Diamond and the Boys, it IS hell.
  • Can you hear me now? Damn.
  • Did the Germans make it a habit of watching American movies on their ships?
  • Well since you can’t brush your teeth, one might as well eat a mint or two.
  • Hey captain, I’m afraid that’s not the way you perform the Heimlich.
  • You know that possession is 9/10 of the law right?
  • Damn kid must have a bladder control problem. And he hasn’t washed his hands yet.
  • Nice butt!
  • Shirtless or shitless? What is it?
  • Hey Carrie, they’re all going to laugh at you, Carrie.
  • Boobs!
  • Hapless lady, does she not know how to turn the shower off?
  • Don’t scare the poor boy, you know he’s just going to have to pee again.
  • Mannequin or human, you decide. Slut overboard!!!
  • Look at all those gold teeth. Little Wayne, eat your heart out.
  • I’m betting all the people who paid to see this movie feel like ripping down the screen and trashing the projector too.
  • Anyone else get lost somewhere between the movie room and the captain’s cabin?
  • Meat locker full of soldiers is always a good place for supplies.
  • For god sakes Nick, it’s just a bunch of skeletons, don’t be such a diva.
  • Someone might want to tell Captain Ashland,  that’s not the way you play bloody knuckles.
  • Where can I get some of those pants that lace up in the back Capt. Trevor?
  • Captain Crazy apparently doesn’t know anything about the riccocheting of bullets.
  • Nice stunt work. Not the most graceful of falls by the captain, but impressive non-the-less. Let’s give him a hand…wait for it.
  • And we end the same way we started.

Dreadful Dialogue:

“It’s as if it’s deliberately trying to ram us.”

“What is it with this ship? It’s like it’s running itself.”

“Is this Hitler?” – “Not quite, the King of England?”

“This damn ship!” – “It’s like it’s alive trying to kill us!”

“Would you like to steer her?”

“Where do you plan to sail her?” – “Eternity, Marshall…eternity.”

“I’m scared.” – “You’re scared? I’m scared shirtless.” – “It’s shitless…oops.”

The Final Word:

For the fact that this film has two pretty big stars in Richard Crenna and George Kennedy, I wasn’t all that terrible. The problem with the movie was that it tried to make itself too scary. What do I mean by that? Well between all the dialogue and long drawn out scenes with characters rummaging around for supplies, there were strange camera angles and sudden sounds to try to make a viewer jump with fright. With the popularity of the The Shining at the time this film was made, the director threw in some “flash forward” sequences that were meant to be for a scare as well. All of these ended up making the film look cheesy and dumb.  The plot was kind of disjointed at times and the whole Nazi torture ship really was a pointless reveal at the end of the film. Despite being a horror film, any real violence was only implied and other than a blood shower scene, there was no gore. Not your typical horror film.

Some film buffs might enjoy this, but there were just too many slow and droll scenes for my liking. And as far as horror/thriller films goes, this one is not one of the better films in the genre. For that reason, I’m only giving this film 2.5 turds.

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Introducing: Godzilla’s Revenge (1969)

godzilla mainIn the heart of the winter months, nothing is better than snuggling up on the couch with a warm blanket, some cocoa, and you video streaming services. I was looking for something different, something I hadn’t watched or reviewed before. Whilst surfing through my streaming resources, I found an old classic from my younger days, Godzilla!! So I prepped my self for some really bad English over dubbing and queued up the movie, Godzilla’s Revenge. This one, as I read more about it, tends to regarded as the worst Godzilla movie ever made. Well, we can be the judge of that.

Streaming on: Hulu+

Directed by: Ishiro Honda

Starring: Kenji Sahara, Tomonori Yazaki

Rated: G

Tagline: None

Number of high pitched monster growls: 50

A young boy name Ichiro has dreams that help him escape from his own reality and into one on Monster Island. This is his way of coping with his dull home life and neighborhood bullies. Monster Island is ruled by Godzilla and in his dreams, Ichiro becomes friends with Godzilla’s son, Minya, who learns how to be brave himself with the help of his father, Godzilla, as they battle with the monster Gabara.

Things you won’t want to miss:

  • Interesting monster compilation to start the title sequence.
  • Japanese children bully by jumping up and down and making funny faces at each other. Those retched souls.
  • Hey, Ichiro, nice shorty shorts.
  • Miniature computer for children? I suppose back then that was considered miniature. The tiger logo means it’s for kids.
  • Ichiro has one mean growl, either that or he is very constipated.
  • Godzilla body slamming a large praying mantis looking thing with ease, like Hulk Hogan bodyslamming Andre the Giant.
  • Monster Island is like a Jurassic Park gone wrong.
  • Minya must be the early 70’s version of Barney the Dinosaur.
  • How convenient, the bully and the bad monster have the same name. Ahhh I see the connection that the filmmakers wanted us to make. Clever, clever.
  • Little boys shouldn’t hump the grill of a car, especially one that’s being sold.
  • Godzilla must be a really good soccer player.
  • Baby Godzilla looks more like a Sid and Marty Kroft character, and why the hell can it talk? And why do I remember Godzilla’s kid being named Godzooki? Was that a Scooby Doo episode or am I just dreaming?
  • Young monsters shouldn’t smoke, all they can do is make smoke rings/plus it stunts their growth.
  • Are there any monsters on Monster Island that get a long with each other?
  • Planes that have very bad aim are easy to swat down.
  • Did you know that stepping on a lizards tail makes them breath fire?
  • Uh oh, be careful, the red mohawk is glowing, what a shocker!!
  • Apparently child abuse is allowed on the Monster Island.
  • Monster catapult – Score about a 3.5 on the landing. The Russian judge is tough.
  • Anyone else think that Ichiro is a dead ringer for the kid named Russell in the movie Up?
  • The criminals in this movie must be some of the most clumsy people ever.
  • Slow/stop motion kid fight that looks more like a forbidden dance than anything.
  • That a boy Ichiro make friends with the bullies by being one. Real smart thinking.

Dreadful Dialogue:

“No I wasn’t, I had a frat tire and the spare wasn’t even there.”

“Godzilla says that we have to fight our own battles and not be cowards.”

“Hey that car looks familiar; hey it’s my car.”

Final Word:

First of all let me say that I watched several Godzilla movies growing up. I don’t remember all the names of them, but I distinctly remember that awful growling noise that he always made.I was hoping as the title sequence rolled through, that we would have the opportunity to see all the monsters that were featured. Apparently, this movie was clipped together from pieces and parts of other Godzilla movies. And let me just get this out of the way, I hated…hated the Minya character. And with a passion too. All I could think about was Sigmund the Sea Monster when it was on the screen. I t moved exactly the same and had almost exactly the same voice. Oh yeah, and did I mentioned that it talked. Stupid. The music was exactly what you’d expect from an early 80’s movie. The acting wasn’t all that bad, but everyone had to work with such a cheesy script to begin with. I was never a huge Godzilla fan, so the lore of Godzilla escapes me. The three bipedal monsters were obviously people in costume, in fact I could have sworn that I saw the Godzilla head piece life up at least once. This film would be worth it just to watch only once if you were in to Godzilla. It doesn’t deserve any more than one viewing however. With that said, I give this film a rating of 2.5 turds, I would say it’s about middle of the road as far as terrible goes.

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