Tag Archives: 2 turds

Introducing: Bikini Spring Break (2012)*

*WARNING – THIS POST IS DEFINITELY FOR MATURE READERS.

bikinispringbreak_largeDuring my college years, my roommates and I looked forward to what we considered the most entertaining time of the year. No, it wasn’t the NCAA basketball tournament, although that was and still is a priority. It was the one time all year that we could just get a little wild and step away from our regular routines of school and work. When everyone had a beer in their hand and fun on their minds, when every guy who was a douchebag could get away with being a douchebag, when good looking girls would do naughty things that they would later have to apologize about, when a bunch of horned up young adults would do whatever they could for the sake of fun and the hopes of getting laid.  I’m talking of course about the week of Spring Break! Oh, those memories of trips to ski resorts and beach resorts with friends are some that I will never forget. Unfortunately, I had to grow up and now Spring Break is just another week in the year, and my girlfriend and I’s idea of a good time is going out to eat at a fancy restaurant and watching a movie on the couch before having to go back to work the next day. This year, the world of streaming video introduced us to the film “Bikini Spring Break” from The Asylum studio. Now if that alone doesn’t tell you, “BAD MOVIE ALERT!!”, than I don’t know what does.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Jared Cohn

Starring: Rachel Alig, Robert Carradine, Virginia Petrucci, Erica Drake

Rated: R

Tagline: Sweet small town girls, until…

Number of gratuitous breast shots: 32, but hey, who’s counting?

A junior college marching band gets invited to participate at Nationals in Florida, but only after accidentally exposing themselves on the big screen at their football game, which doesn’t make since knowing that football is played in the fall and Spring Break is in the spring. Anyway…on their way to Florida, the marching band bus breaks down and the five girls have to find a way to raise enough money to themselves to the competition. Of course, beings that it is Spring Break time, they are immersed coincidentally in an environment of strip clubs, jello wrestling, and wet t-shirt contests that make the opportunity for money making possible.

What you will see:

  • Boobs! and only six seconds in.
  • Give a stupid girl a video camera in a locker room full of women in various states of undress and you don’t expect something to happen?
  • Short bus turning into a long bus, back into a short bus again.
  • Dumb girl strikes again. Regular gas in a diesel tank, duh everyone knows that about buses. Don’t they?
  • How convenient is it that the first place open to take a group of college girls is a strip club?
  • Dance club montage! And more boobs!
  • Robert Carradine is doing a mighty, mighty fine job of bad acting.
  • Hmmmm…I wonder where those ladies are going to get $2000 only using their body parts and organs? Bet it’s not selling their kidneys.
  • How different would the car washing scene be if they were washing the headlights?
  • Cue the bad CG fire please.
  • Bumblebee chick from car wash doubles as a Spring Break party goer.
  • Anyone else hungry for green jello? Oh wait, it’s not for eating?
  • Stiffler look-a-like and Joey Lawrence clone just happen to be the hosts of every party during Spring Break.
  • I’m guessing it was a four-way tie for the wet t-shirt contest.
  • Does Florida even have mountain areas?
  • Anyone else hear a horrendously bad soundtrack playing in the background throughout the whole movie? It even drowned out the dialogue at times; not that that is a bad thing.
  • Riding a bull topless apparently helps a feisty red-head stay on for a record time. But officer, she was riding so fast that her top just came flying off, it’s was the bull’s fault.
  • The group must be stranded in a one cop town. He seems to be everywhere.
  • CG rain storms are a perfectly good reason to freak out hysterically.
  • Yeah for plastic trophies!!

Damn Bad Dialogue:

“Scholarships? You can get those here?”

“Ok, it’s too bad. Quief you later.”

“See that over there? This town is full of slutty sluttermans and their smutty slutfulness…”

“I am the Jello Queen, bitch!”

“I’m not baring my breasts to a bunch of perverts.”

“Craig is a pole-smoking butt pirate.”

“We’re not freaks, we’re the marching band.”

“My tits are all over the internet.”

The Final Word:

The Asylum is always best known for the no budget knockoffs of big budget movies, hoping to capitalize on some of those film’s popularity. While Bikini Spring Break isn’t a knockoff of a big budget  blockbuster but it was a throw back to the early 80’s and 90’s teen sex comedies. The film’s budget was clearly it’s biggest obstacle to overcome. Some bad editing didn’t do much to save the film either. In one particular scene, the band  has to travel to Florida via a “short bus”, but as they travel there are shots of a regular sized bus that not only changes in size, but also design and even color. The film also falls victim to a strange sense of distance. All the characters seemed to appear conveniently in places together even though they seemed to go in opposite directions. The film follows the five band members, the fact that they are band members means nothing really, but they are quick to lose their tops and playfully bounce up and down in a fit of giggles and squeals. Each of the girls has their own personality even if it involves the Spring Break banning prude; all of which were quite lovely in their own right. The acting isn’t too bad considering the dialogue that they were given. In fact, the most annoying characters were the Stiffler-type character and Robert Carradine’s character, Coach Gill. Bikini Spring Break didn’t have much to offer as a story and considering that it came from The Asylum, my expectations weren’t too high for this film. Maybe that’s why it didn’t really disappoint me to much, well, that and the fact that there wasn’t more than twenty minutes that passed before a pair of breasts came bouncing back onto the screen. Boobs aside, dare I say that this film was somewhat entertaining. So, in honor of the numerous pairs of breasts appearing in the film, I’m giving this film a pair of turds.

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Introducing: Solarbabies (1986)

solarbabiesSnow! And lots of it. That’s what I have been facing the past couple of days in my neck of the woods. Snow! About two feet of it to be exact. So what better way to spend a couple of snow days then to curl up on the couch and watch some really cheesy movies courtesy of my online streaming subscriptions. That’s exactly what I did. I was in the mood for something nostalgic, something that I remembered from when I was a kid. So, when I saw the movie Solarbabies pop up as a recommended watch in my Netflix queue, I was quite excited. I don’t remember watching it back when I was younger, but I definitely remember the movie poster for it. I was hoping that as I began watching the film, the movie poster wasn’t going to be the only memorable part of the flick.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Alan Johnson

Starring: Jason Patric, Jami Gertz, Lukas Haas

Tagline: Who Will Rule the Future?

Rated: PG-13

Number of pointless roller skating scenes: 5

In a post=apocalyptic where water is scarce and is being heavily rationed by a militant government, the story centers on a group of young orphans who are searching for their freedom. From what I can gather, the kids were taken from their parents and placed in orphan schools while their parents were put to work and so that the kids could be trained to become workers themselves. During a forbidden game of Skateball, the team of heroes, called the Solarbabies, are challenged by a rival team, the Scorpions. Upon getting caught playing in the middle of the night, the youngest member of the team, their mascot Daniel hides in a mine shaft and discovers a glowing orb with magical powers that cures his apparent deafness. After learning of the orb’s powers, it is stolen and Daniel sets out to find it which in turn sends the Solarbabies out to find their mascot boy. The orb falls into the hands of the evil dictator who, for some unexplained reason, wants the orb destroyed. Yeah, I know doesn’t make much sense, but hey, so goes the film.

Things you won’t want to miss:

  • Title sequence with 80’s MIDI music, and not that great of music either.
  • Where exactly would one get a pair of rollerskates with headlights attached to them?
  • The combination of lacrosse, hockey, and rollerderby could make for an interesting sport.
  • Jami Gertz was a hottie even back in the day. Still looks really good after all these years. Better think twice however if you plan on putting the moves on her when she has a digging tool in her hand.
  • In post-apocolyptic orphanages, everybody runs everwhere.
  • Skate night at the orphanage!
  • Reading Rainbow animated ball makes everyone happier.
  • Wait a minute…did I miss something about the mascot finding out his ball was gone? Did I doze off? How did he know it was missing? And how did she know that the boy went after it?
  • If one wanted to make an escape, I can’t imagine doing it in broad daylight would be the wisest of options.
  • Skating montage to a real crappy 80’s tune.
  • That poor boy’s shirt can’t decide if it want’s to stay on his shoulders or not.
  • Did you know that whipping a person while wearing roller skates can easily get them over a 50 foot jump,
  • Blondie seems to be the only person in the whole movie who didn’t know about the sphere.
  • Oh my god, first the skates and now the dogs have headlamps on them.
  • Tire Town – Solarbabies version of Mos Eisley.
  • Escaping a burning  town by rolling away in giant tires makes for a pretty dizzying experience.
  • Solarbabies, meet Jesus Christ.
  • Do we really know why the baddies are wanting to destroy the ball anyway?
  • Pole vaulting over an electric fence is powerful enough to knock your skates off while jumping. Thank god they are able to return by the time the landing happens.
  • Dogs like to eat blue Stormtroopers.
  • Robot can not only sense weak spots, but apparently potential pedophiles as well. That guy was going to touch the kid’s ball.
  • Water, water everywhere! And poof…the ball is gone without any explanation. Well, might as well stay consist with the rest of the movie, I guess.

Dreadful Dialogue::

“You fixed my ears, thank you.”

“That guy is a total lunar.”

“I believe this man has soiled himself, wash him.”

“I can’t believe I’m standing here taking to a ball…no offense.”

Final Word:

Overall, not a too terribly bad movie, but highly disappointing. The loose plot and bad editing lost me at times, but for the most part the movie held my interest. Or maybe it was just my interest in Jami Gertz held my attention. The movie did sport quite a good cast, and although the actors didn’t give stellar performances, they were good enough given the material they had to work with. There were many plot points that could have been interesting if they were given the time and developed a little more, such as the whole point of the orb the little boy finds. Instead we get several minutes of needless rollerskating to bad 80’s synthesizer music. The special effects I’m guessing were well done for the time it was made, but they do not hold up well by today’s films. The sets were okay, but Tire Town in particular was really well done in a Beyond Thunderdome/Waterworld kind of way. I tend to enjoy post-apocalyptic movies, but this one just left me wanting a little more. So, I am giving this film only 2 turds in a bag, because it definitely had some things going for it, but definitely wasn’t anywhere near some of the bad movies that I’ve seen so far.

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Introducing: Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver

Gingerdead-ManWe’ve survived Black Friday shopping sprees and Cyber Monday sessions at the computer and now it’s time for the holiday season. Christmas lights, mistletoe, presents, bad Christmas movies. And oh yes, there are some. When the weather gets cold and families want to bundle and cuddle in front of their televisions for a good movie, holiday movies are watched in mass. My gift to you is a weeding out of some of those really awful Christmas movies so that you can watch something better with your family.

My first red flag of a holiday movie is called Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver. You might be thinking, I’ve never heard of the first two movies and there is a terrible pun in the title, this movie must be cheesy and stupid. And you would be correct. While the theme of a Gingerbread Man is a Christmas icon, the movie itself has nothing to do with the holiday season. You might want to save your self the time and put the video on fast forward and take a look at the notes of all the important things to watch for we’ve provided.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: William Butler

Starring: Jackie Beat, Kimberly Pffefer, Justin Schwann, Zachary Haas

Tagline:

Rated: R

Bad CGI Gingerbread running shots: 5

A killer Gingerbread Man is released from a “maximum” security mental institute and time travels himself back to the year of 1976 where he wrecks havoc on a lowly Roller Boogie Skating Rink that is about to go out of business. For no apparent reason other than being evil and mean, the Gingerdead Man hacks, chops, and shots his way through the facility. With the help of two time traveling kids, a telekinetic nerd girl, and some infamous serial killers the goal is to save the Roller Derby and put the evil gingerbread cookie back into his cookie jar. – Trust me, it sounded stupid even typing it, but that’s the premise of the film.

What You Want to Watch for:

  • Enjoyable title sequence
  • The Scientific Research Institute for the Study of Homicidal Baked Goods? Is this where the Twinkie is going to end up?
  • Hey where’s the cream filling…never mind.
  • Candyland Island? Where do I sign up?
  • You don’t show appreciation for someone by biting their nose off.
  • Oh no! Not a another Roller Skate movie! I’ve already suffered through this once already – Roller Boogie!
  • Ugliest looking Gingerbread Cookie ever.
  • Roller Bake Sale – that ought to bring in a quick $84,000. Where are those other pastry characters when you need them?
  • Erotic Car Wash
  • Does time travel make gingerbread cookies fatter. The Gingerdead Man looks to have put on a few pounds when traveling through time.
  • Telekinetic niece name Cherry – I smell a Carrie spoof
  • Public Service Announcement: Hydrochloric Acid and sluts don’t mix too well
  • Gingerbread boners break off easily – He should have watched Porky’s
  • It all gets gross when the janitor gets involved.
  • Just how many nails can one nail gun hold anyway?
  • Can we have more out-of-place random quotes from the Gingerbread puppet please?
  • Well now we know the truth behind what caused the attack on Pearl Harbor.
  • How many skating rinks to you know that are equipped with not only a nail gun, but also a meat cleaver.
  • Snorting Comet cleaner makes your eyes bulge out. Yet another public service announcement.
  • One splitting headache coming up…man, I just came up with some better dialog for the Gingerdead Man.
  • Gunshots to the head spray like water fountains.
  • Electrical currents can surge through everything and everyone in a roller disco.
  • Adolf Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer, Lizzie Borden, and Charles Manson add another dose of stupid. At least Bill and Ted grabbed someone important like So-crates on their Excellent Adventure.
  • Oh no! Not my Gumdrop buttons!!!

Quotable Quotes:

“I know, maybe we can hold a Roller Derby Disco Bikini Car Wash in the parking lot tonight!”

“She’s Cherry, and I’d like her to stay that way.”

“Coming to cop a squat honey buns?”

“Do a little dance, make a little love, gimme a homicide tonight.”

“You’re one hot twat babe.”

“It’s a murderous confectionary treat.”

“…And her trusty sidekick, Pickles.”

Maybe without the lame attempts at movie spoofing this movie may have been somewhat tolerable. But then I also can’t ignore the cheesy and stupid dialogue (which consisted of hundreds of grunts, “ohs”, and “whoas” from the title character) and the very, very badly done CGI. Practically every kill was done through the use of CG and made as if a thirteen year old had used MovieMaker or iMovie to add special effects to their YouTube video. Gingerdead Man is yet another film that doesn’t take itself seriously at all and it actually hurts it. It may have been more enjoyable if the filmmakers would have tried to take a bit of it seriously and not put so much effort into trying to conform their story into a movie spoof. The one-liners from the main character started off a bit humorous, but then just became predictable and unnecessary. The most charming and enjoyable character throughout the whole film was a little boy with the name of Pickles. Everyone else just seemed really annoying.

There is not much for a soundtrack as various disco tunes played throughout (and it sounded like the same song over and over), however I will give kudos to the opening theme song and credit sequence. The song was more cleverly written than the film itself. Despite all of it’s flaws, I have unfortunately seen worse movies than this. I am giving this dreadful movie a very reluctant 2 turds out of 5, but only because I’m in a giving mood for the Christmas season.

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The Children (1980)

Anyone up for a sci-fi horror flick that will make you want to hug your children tight and pray you don’t get turned into hamburger. What? Sounds totally random, but this movie has just that. Well, I watched it so you wouldn’t have to use 90 minutes of your time, so you could lose your hands doing something else productive.

Streaming on: Hulu+

Directed by: Max Kalmanowicz

Starring: Martin Shakar, Gil Rogers, Gail Garrnett

Tagline: Something terrifying has happened to the children… pray you never meet them!

A gas leak from a nuclear power plant causes a deadly fog that wafts over a county road in Ravensback. After the local school bus drives through the ominous smoke cloud, the noxious gases turn all the kids on board into zombies who are physically uneffected by the fog with the exception of their goth black fingernails. The kid zombies have the ability to now burn adults to a crisp with a simple hug. And who wouldn’t want to give these kids a hug after they were assumed missing. The children quickly charbroil the town’s adults which lead them to the final set of parents. This set of parents, along with the sheriff, don’t take to kindly to the children and attempt to solve the epidemic themselves. After a few gunshots wounds to the chest, a burnt arm, a game of tag that ends up with a charcoal briquet, and some severed hands, the only thing left is to rid the town of these atomic children.

What you would be missing:

  • Slim and Jim, is that really the workers names?
  • Happy kids singing songs of love and adoration to their bus driver. Barf!
  • Hey bus driver, never mind that eerie looking fog wafting across the road.
  • Lesbian lovers and codeine…apparently that’s for another movie.
  • Scary Psycho stabby-stabby music!
  • Funny how flesh burns easier than the polyester clothing.
  • Okay, I think I heard this music in Friday the 13th! Harry Manfredini, you soundtrack regifter.
  • Yikes meet the creepy new deputies in town
  • Boobs!
  • That’s it sheriff, you dump that dope in the pool.
  • My how cell phones have evolved! Every scary movie has to have some pompous douchebag that we can’t wait to see die. Groovy music too douche.
  • Hey dumbass, go around her. How hard can it be?
  • More stabby-stabby music!
  • Sure makes you think twice about hugging a kid from now on.
  • Now that’s what you call a family barbeque!
  • Sign that kid up for the Second Mile program and Penn State is still playing bowl games! – What too soon?
  • Apparently, only kids are effected by this nuclear fog.
  • I’m pretty sure beating on the phone plunger doesn’t give you a dial tone any quicker.
  • So which would be worse, beating a dead horse or shooting a cooked canine?
  • The lady of the General Store sounds like Tom Cat from Tom and Jerry when she dies. (Oops sorry, Spoiler Alert!)
  • And the winner for “Worst Mom of the Year” goes to…Drinking, smoking, and pregnant. Her kid will end up a zombie even without the nuclear power leak.
  • Sheriff is picking off kids like he’s trying to win a stuffed bear at a carnival.
  • When you play tag with a zombie, you never win.
  • Zombies die by cutting off their hands? And apparently they purr and howl as they die too!
  • Could this movie be any darker? What happened to the lighting?
  • Damn the sheriff sure is a tall man.
  • Looks like someone has played a little too much Fruit Ninja. Dude is going wild with that sword!
  • Hands, hands, everywhere!
  • There must have been only six kids in this whole town…oops, spoke too soon, seven. See “Worst Mom of the Year” comment from above. Did I not call that one?
  • Hey, wait a minute. The douchebag didn’t die? What? He’s never seen again. So did the director need some time filler or what?

Memorable Quotes:

“Here’s to the bus driver, the best of them all!”

“A kidnapping in Ravensback, how exciting!”

“Tell us, Harry.” – “Yeah, tell us, Harry.” – “Tell us, Harry.” – “TELL US, HARRY!”

“I’d like to hump that bitch.”

“Hey, hey, hey! Harry the hawk does it again!”

“You just shot a dead dog.”

Despite being burdened with cheesy acting  and a ridiculous premise, this film was rather entertaining. It definitely isn’t good by any means, but there was something to be liked about it. I’m guessing there was some commentary about kids getting back at their parents for the choices that they have made in the past or something. Oh well…no sense in finding logic in this one, might as well rate it instead.  I was somewhat intrigued with the idea of zombie children and was interested throughout. With that said, I am going to give this one 2 turds out of 5.

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Hangar 18 (1980)

Anyone up for a sci-fi adventure that features a government cover up of alien proportions and a pair of heroes who can go on a killing spree and string of thefts and not taken into custody? No? Well be lucky that I watched this one for you so that you can spend the 95 minutes instead doing something much more enjoyable like picking up poop in the backyard before mowing.

Streamed by: Netflix

Directed by: James Conway

Starring: Gary Collins, Robert Vaughn, Darren McGavin

Tagline: Why won’t they tell us?

After launching a satellite into space and watching it explode in front of their eyes, astronauts Steve Bancroft and Lew Price are blamed for the explosion and the death of their fellow crew mate. However, the crash happened as a result of colliding with an alien spacecraft which then crashes on Earth in the Arizona desert.  Darren McGavin leads a team of NASA scientists given the task of investigating the crashed spacecraft which is found to contain three dead alien life forms. Through research and old manuscripts the scientists believe that these aliens are from a race of ancient astronauts thought to have visited Earth long ago and are responsible for the creation of all mankind. A government cover-up due to an impending election and two astronauts traveling through Arizona and Texas to clear their name give you the premise of Hangar 18.

What you would have seen:

  • And to think, that head is still floating through space somewhere in the universe.
  • I’m thinking that the filmmakers should have done a little more research about how the Space Shuttle traveled through space, however I wonder if one of their kids will be missing their Space Shuttle toy? Upon further investigation, I feel that I must somewhat take back this statement because the Space Shuttle had not yet launched at the time of the film.
  • Hooray for stock video footage!
  • There is always an election in the way from getting to the truth.
  • Alright, who erased that blip?!
  • Apparently alien beings have been stealing our tin foil to line their walls and ceilings with and evidently alien spacecraft have more room in the inside than they look from the outside.
  • Quite an impressive set of hieroglyphics on the alien ship. I think I just saw Optimus Prime on that wall.
  • Hmmmm…I wonder what this button does. Oops, my bad! Is everyone alright?
  • Not a bad little car chase scene that ends in an impressive explosion.
  • Wouldn’t our two “heroes” be on the U.S. most wanted list after killing those two federal agents?
  • You mean to tell me that people actually did their research from books? Thank god for Google.
  • A bad pair of eyeglasses with octagon frames. Did they actually make those?
  • Glass that shatters before a bullet even reaches it.
  • Four guys run around an oil refinery shooting guns and absconding oil rigs and there are no workers willing to stop them?
  • I’ll bet that Gary Collins is really good at playing Grand Theft Auto.
  • Man, that toy airplane must have been packed with a ton of explosives!
  • A voiceover to end the movie with only the ship left unharmed? No resolution? Were they planning a sequel?

Award Winning Dialogue:

“Either we’re imagining this whole thing, or the blip of the UFO has been erased.”

“They sure didn’t get these equipment at Radio Shack.”

“We, mankind, the human race, are their children.”

Despite all of it’s faults and plot holes, this movie wasn’t on the surface as bad as I had anticipated. It wasn’t great by any means, but I’m betting this one is on the shelf of some sci-fi collectors as a classic. Won’t be on mine in a million years but hey, to each their own.

Since it did have some merit to it, albeit very little, this film only deserves two turds out of five.

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