Tag Archives: 3 turds

Introducing: Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers (1988)

sleepaway-camp-ii-nelson-vhs-frontJust spent four weeks at summer camp to start my summer vacation and now with my tour of duty done (for now) I can catch up on some movies and the blog. I’m sure my couch has been missing my ass this whole time. So, what better way to start of my post summer camp movie viewing than watching movies about, well, summer camp. Growing up in the 80’s brought a plethora of camp movies from Meatballs to Friday the 13th. It was the Saturday night slasher films that have always been the most interesting and entertaining to me. And with that, I was excited to see a series of B-Movies camp slasher flicks, starting with Sleepaway Camp 2.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Michael A. Simpson

Starring: Renee Estevez, Pamela Springsteen (yes-Bruce’s sister), Brian Patrick Clarke, Walter Gotell

Rated: R

Tagline: When you go camping, just take the essentials.

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 20%

Crazy Counselor’s Body Count: 18 and 1 implied

Camper turned serial killer in Sleepaway Camp, Angela Baker returns to a new camp only this time with a new identity and new position as counselor. Her goal is to make sure that the campers are following the rules and being nice and if they aren’t then she takes it upon herself to “send them home” or kill them one by one in interesting and macabre ways.

Important Things you can Learn:

  • People with mullets always tell the best ghost stories around campfires.
  • Be sure to pick Angela for the softball team, she’s got quite the swing.
  • Boobs! Boobs! – Tit Patrol reporting for duty
  • Camp is for early 20 year olds who get stoned and sleep naked.
  • Blue Ribbon winning counselors are always the most chipper in the morning.
  • Anybody think that names of the campers is a coincidence? Molly, Ally, Judd, Charlie, Sean, Emilio, Demi, etc
  • Can you find the wet t-shirt winner?
  • Getting high and drunk is likely to get you burned during camp.
  • The loudest pantie raid ever. Nothing encourages bunk bonding than a pantie sort.
  • Boobs!
  • Were there cordless drills in 1988?
  • In the naval reserve!  Ha Ha! Good one.
  • Not sure exactly what the “feel the surprise in the box” game was for? I can’t imagine a bunch of high school graduates would be lining up for that one. Thank god for them that Justin Timberlake wasn’t there, we all know what he likes to put in a box.
  •  Polaroid Boobs!
  • Turn that radio up. Hell yeah! The only black girl in camp likes her some 80’s hair metal. That’s her jam!
  • A black Jason Vorhees and Freddy Krueger with a mullet. Yeah, I’d be scared.
  • Boobs!
  • Wait blonds can’t read can they? Why does she keep looking at that note?
  • Was that a leech or a turd on poor Ally’s face?
  • Guitar strings are awfully tough on the throat.
  • Apparently when a girl screams at camp, nobody seems to care.
  • Dear Angela, would you please learn another verse to the song, Kum ba yah.
  • Looks like Freddy Krueger got his face back.
  • Tips for Kids #1: Battery acid kills if it comes in contact with your skin, so please be careful.
  • Gotta love our justice system. Serial killer gets out after four years. She’s perfectly cured. After psychiatric treatment and electro therapy that is.
  • Bravo for Anthony’s Ned Stark impression.
  • Great, kill the only two kids who were of age to go to this summer camp.
  • If the smoking doesn’t kill you, the crazy camp counselor will.
  • Nice 80’s ballad as the credits roll.

Quotable Quotes:

“Screw you Angela, if you want to send me home, then fine, see if I care!”

“Nice girls don’t have to show it off.” – But it sure helps.

““Oooooohhhh, I’m a happy camper! I love the summer sun. I love the trees and forest; I’m always having fun!”

“Party hats at Two O’Clock.”

“Not tonight, I’ve got a date.” – “With who?” – “His left hand!”

“Keep your morals strong, and you will never be wrong.”

“Who locked the door? I’m gonna tell!”

“Molly, stop. I just want to be your friend!”

“Thanks for picking me up.” – “Heck, ain’t no skin off my tits. Besides, a girl like you shouldn’t be alone on this road.”

THE FINAL WORD:

Well, Sleepaway Camp 2 was not anywhere close to the first in this schlocky series of teenage/camp slasher movies. Probably the most notable changes between the two, for those who have seen the first, is that the main character is portrayed by a completely different actress which makes sense due to the “sexual reconfiguration” of the character. She also adds some attempted humor with some witty one-liners for each of her victims before she does them in. Regardless whoever the main character is, they won’t be in line for any type of thespian award anytime soon. As for the rest of the cast, it’s a B-Movie for god sakes, I don’t know what I’m expecting. The acting aside, unfortunately the plot of the film is not one of them. I was really, really bothered how the filmmakers tried to pass off it’s twenty something actors as young teens who would actually attend a summer camp of this caliber. Despite it’s bad acting and weak story, every horny heterosexual male will love the copious amounts of breasts being bared. During the first 2/3 of the film, there is hardly a five-minute period that goes by that isn’t broken up by a pair of “party hats”. In addition to the breasts, there are a couple of sex scenes as it would not be an 80’s slasher movie without one. While I could continue to mention the scenes that show plenty of skin, it behooves me to mention the best part of any teen killer flick – the over-the-top elimination of each character. This film has quite the murder menagerie which ranges from battery acid to the face and having a lobotomy via a drill bit to drowning in an outhouse toilet full of crap and leeches. And yes, there are the horror film staples, the throat slashing and the always popular decapitation.

While this slasher film isn’t anything like the Friday the 13th movie that it wants so desperately to be, it is mildly entertaining, if nothing else for the body count that is amassed throughout the film. I am giving Sleepaway Camp 2 a rating of three turds out of five, which is somewhere between being sliced by a chainsaw and burnt to a crisp on a barbecue.

sleepaway camp jason

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Introducing: The Norseman (1978)

the norseman 001This past week, I’ve been seeing different previews and advertisements online for a new upcoming series on The History Channel simply called Vikings. While it looks to me like their attempt to capitalize on the Game of Thrones fame, I looks intriguing to me. Since I don’t have cable, I’ll have to get a feel for Vikings by looking through my streaming resources. Low and behold, as if it were a sign from the movie gods, when I loaded up Netflix, nestled in the Just Added section was a movie called The Norseman. And when I saw that it starred Lee Majors, I knew I was on to something truly cheese-tastic.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Charles B. Pierce

Starring: Lee Majors, Cornel Wilde, Mel Ferrer, Susie Coelho

Rated: PG

Tagline: None

In 1006, a Viking prince sails to America to rescue his father who is being held captive by some vicious native Americans. At the turn of the 11th Century, Lee Majors is  Thorvald, a Viking from the land of the Norse, accompanied by his younger brother, a hunchbacked wizard, and a peanut gallery full of horn-helmeted vikings. Upon reaching the main land the group is attacked by Indians and their troubles begin. A young Indian girl befriends Thorvald and leads them to the location of their lost Viking family members who are suffering from bouts of torture and abuse at the hands of the Indians. This ignites yet another and final Viking vs Indian fight scene.

Notices and Wonders:

  • Summary of scrolling text at the beginning, the Vikings are coming to the Americas.
  • Row! Row! Row!
  • Hey, could somebody please turn down the orchestra? We can’t hear the narration.
  • Not very often the narrator gets created in a film.
  • One little, two little, three little indians. Their arrows strike hard and true, but they apparently aim for the ass.
  • Thorvald (Lee Majors) must look the farthest thing from a Viking, what with his Kentucky accent, porno stache, Zorro mask, and Roman Gladiator armor.
  • Bad wigs all around for the blind guys.
  • Big round pillows are awfully hard to grind corn with.
  • In between Gandalf and Dumbledore, there was King Eurich.
  • Indian and Viking love triangles never end well.
  • Slow motion fighting isn’t good with cheaply made props. Shields shouldn’t bend like cardboard. And that is some bright red paint at the end of those swords.
  • Hey buddy, if you’re going to throw your axe, don’t come up short.
  • The inside of that boat seems to be at least double the size of the outside.
  • The old Indian woman bears a striking resemblance to Mama Fratelli from Goonies.
  • Be careful with that hot poker, you might actually burn someone. Especially if you actually touched them with it.
  • Blind Vikings walk like zombies and are strong enough to kill two fat Indians.
  • Viking armor must be made of aluminum cans if a single arrow can penetrate it.
  • Two more fat Indians down. What had these guys been eating? They’ve got Viking grog bellies.
  • Can you spot the hairy chested Indians?
  • Dragging blind men along on a pike shouldn’t slow you down, their asses need to keep up.
  • Epic Thorvald the Viking Baywatch moment!!
  • More slo-mo indian killing.
  • Wizards’s falcon for the win
  • Thanks city of Newburn, North Carolina for furnishing the Viking boat. Funny.

Quotable Quotes:

“Spin your spell wizard.”

“It written that this new land, will be called Vineland.”

“As Odin has been my strength, you will be my eyes.”

“Let it be written that the name Olaf shall live on in the land of the Norse.”

The Final Word:

Let it be written that the movie, The Norseman, is…cheesy. The film classified as an action/adventure flick, but even that would be a stretch. The fight scenes themselves were quite humorous and looked like a fight that one would see during a play being performed at any local high school. Every punch, kick, stabbing, clubbing, and knife swing, noticeably missed their mark and this was highlighted by the slow-motion battle scenes. The characters fall victims to unfortunate stereotypes; the Vikings were stupid and looked as much with their horned helmets and silly six pack formed armor; the Indians with their brightly colored face paint and the constant whooping and hollering all through out their attacks. Stereotypes aside, the dialogue spoken by anyone was more barbaric than the Vikings themselves. I was humored by the appearance of football star Deacon Jones as the only black Viking – was there even such a thing in history? Probably the worst of all the acting came from the star itself, Lee Majors. He seemed as though he was half asleep and bored throughout the whole film. I’m guessing that many people may actually like this flick and I am sounding a little harsher than I should be because as bad as it seemed, the film was slightly entertaining. I give this movie 3 turds out of 5. While it was somewhat enjoyable, The Norseman would have been more fun to watch with a larger group of people.

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Introducing: Santa Claus Conquers the Aliens (1964)

imagesThe holiday season  is our time to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, spend time with our families, make and share memories for years to come…and oh yes, wait on Christmas Eve for the arrival of Santa Claus. Everyone loves the jolly old fat man, even Hollywood. Unfortunately, Hollywood hasn’t been too kind to the right jolly old elf. And this week’s movie is no exception to that. Let me introduce you to the 1964 masterpiece known as Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Well, with a title like that, how can you go wrong? Right? This is a nice family film for the holidays so you and the whole family can cuddle up on the couch next to the fire, load up your favorite streaming service, and enjoy this Christmas classic. Our Christmas gift to you are a list of some important details that you might miss. Season’s Greetings!

Streaming on: Netflix and Hulu+

Directed by: Nicholas Webster

Starring: Leila Martin, Charles Renn, James Cahill, John Call

Tagline: Santa Brings Christmas Fun to Mars.

Rated: NR

Resused Halloween costumes: 5

Martian kids are acting depressed and all they want to do is watch the Earth shows on the video box. They even have to use sleeping dust to fall asleep…someone please help them. In an attempt to let their kids be kids, Martian leader Kimar, decides that the solution is to kidnap Santa Claus and bring him back to Mars so that he can spread happiness to Martian kids everywhere. Kimar and his henchmen run into two children, Billy and Betty, and take them as collateral damage in the kidnapping. With the help of the very scary Trog the robot, the Martians take Santa hostage and return to Mars. While on Mars, Santa agrees to spread his cheer to their kids and is opposed by Kimar’s, evil minded second-in-command, Voldar.

What you might miss:

  • Remember the days when the movie credits were actually at the beginning of the movie?
  • Wonder why this song wasn’t an instant Christmas classic?
  • Brrrr…must be cold in front of that Sears photo backdrop.
  • XBox Kinect and iDevices have nothing on those fine, fine toys.
  • Enter stage right…love the image of Saturn on the background.
  • Would someone please get that old man a lozenge?
  • Nerf gun satellite dish for the win!
  • Killer soundtrack during stock footage airplane montage.
  • The aliens made it Earth just fine, so why are they asking for directions now?
  • Come on kids, didn’t your mother ever tell you not to talk to strangers…especially green ones in tight clothes and antennae.
  • Is that really two pieces of cheddar cheese under that blinking light?
  • That space ship suddenly got a whole lot smaller when it landed. Must be that damn North Pole pressure.
  • If you’re so cold Betty, I’m not so sure sitting on a block of ice in a short dress is going to help.
  • Ahhhh…dear god, someone help those poor children, it the world’s scariest polar bear. With movement like a crawling human, fur like a cheap Halloween costume, growls like a jaguar, how can those kids not be scared to death.
  • Watch out for the silver refrigerator box with the bucket head. I think Betty just crapped her pants.
  • Whoa! Hey there Billy you better watch your mouth young man. Is calling an alien a martian the same as calling a black man the “N” word?
  • Best use of toilet plungers I think I’ve ever seen.
  • More stock footage please.
  • Oh Santa and his funny jokes. Made the alien Zack Galifianakis laugh. He might need some new material around the kids though.
  • Martians aren’t very good fighters. I think Voldor’s antennae got bent.
  • I think that is probably the creepiest laugh of any Santa Claus I’ve ever heard. Even creepier are Bomar’s donkey teeth.
  • Is that a pillow in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
  • The Three Stooges on Mars with some of the fanciest tools ever.
  • Hold a martian at gunpoint and he does a pirouette.
  • Another intense martian fight scene. BAM! POW! SLAM!
  • Secret to taking out martians is toys, confetti, bubbles, and horrible background music.

Quotes to bring you Christmas joy:

“S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S…Hooray for Santy Claus!”

“I forgot how to sleep, so I was just practicing.”

“Kidnap the Sandy Claws, tie him up real tight; throw away the key and then just turn out the lights.” – oops, wrong movie

“Are you a television set?”

“Golly!” yeah kids just don’t say that anymore.

“You won’t get away with this you…you…you martian!”

“By the great dark star, Santa’s treating him like a toy!”

“What’s round and soft and you put on a stick and you toast on a fire, and it’s green? A martianmellow!”

“Ahh…Balderdash and a fiddle-dee-dee.”

“Merry Christmas, Dropo Claus is here!”

“Hang up that Mistletoe, soon you’ll hear Ho! Ho! Ho! – On Christmas day you’ll wake up and you’ll say- Hooray for Santy Claus. Hooray for Santy Claus!”

Throughout this movie, I couldn’t help but think that this movie was an elementary school Christmas play. The sets, costumes, and acting would be about the same quality, and like the movie, the best acting would be done by the kids. This movie is just too easy to make fun of, and I have not passed up any opportunities to do so. With that said, I did somewhat enjoy the film. Not that it was any good, but it made me laugh and I can totally see a family enjoying this movie together. Anything that can bring a family together and entertain them has some respect in my book. Okay, enough sweet things to say, I’m giving this movie 3 turds out of 5 due to their crappy sets, costumes, and terrible acting adults.  Ahhh…Merry Christmas!

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Introducing: Troll (1985)

With Halloween coming just around the corner, I wanted to get my fill of monster movies in to prepare myself for all the upcoming tricks and treats. My first movie of the Halloween season was monster filled classic, Troll. Having already seen Troll 2 earlier this year, I was very curious as to how the “worst franchise in movie history” began. And how could I go wrong with this cast? Sonny Bono, Elaine from Seinfeld, Timmy’s mom from Lassie, Atreayu from NeverEnding Story, and some Carol Anne from Poltergeist look alike. So, I ventured forth and set aside 82 minutes to devote to the viewing of this Halloween must see. If you would rather spend your time having a seizure to the song “Summertime Blues” then I have left you with some quick notes over the film so that you don’t miss a thing.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: John Carter Beuchler

Starring: Noah Hathaway, Michael Moriarty, Shelley Hack, Sonny Bono, Julia Louise-Dreyfuss

Tagline: Apartment for Rent. Inquire Within…

Rated: PG-13

Number of Michael Moriarity dance scenes: 1

Torak, a troll fairy (I know kind of a weird combination huh?) sets out to recreate a fairy universe from centuries past in hopes that it will lead to his ruling of the human world. He accomplishes this by kidnapping adorable little Wendy Anne and shapeshifting into her body, and posing as her throughout their new apartment complex. Torak-turned-Wendy Anne finds her way into the apartments of the buildings tenants only to appear as the troll, and with the help of a magical green ring, turn the tenants into a fern garden that sprouts more little trolls. Harry Potter Jr. (yep, that’s right) suspects that his sister is not quite what she seems to be and after meeting with an old fairy princess from the floor above, Harry is determined to save his sister and foil Torak’s plans.

What you would be Missing:

  • Uh oh, not good to start the film with a girl singing a lame song in a dubbed in voice. The director could have at least asked her to move her mouth.
  • Hello there hairy troll in the basement
  • Harry Potter? Oh great not another wizard movie.
  • Hello there hairy troll on the next floor, oh oops…that’s Sonny Bono.
  • Sonny Bono is changing in to Ron Jeremy who is changing in to a pickle, who changes into a forest, that spawns a troll doll, baby creature from Black Lagoon, and Don King. Yeah it looks as stupid as it sounds.
  • Strange apartment complex first a troll, then a live mushroom that looks like a penis with eyes.
  • Just when you think pink walls can’t get any uglier, the neighbor sports his rattlesnake wallpaper.
  • Disturbing little Michael Moriarity dance number…Yikes!
  • Anybody else feel uncomfortable about a little girl walking in to strange men’s apartments uninvited?
  • Despite the stupidity of it all, the troll is pretty scary looking.
  • And there goes another neighbor turned into forest of bad animatronic puppets.
  • Hey no fair, I do believe Harry Jr. is watching a better movie than I am at the moment.
  • First dancing from Moriarity and now a musical number from a bunch of trolls, a midget reciting The Faerie Queen, and a singing penis.
  • To be truthful, all those trolls look like the Ghoulies, I almost thought that it was a sequel to this.
  • Poor June Lockhart is a long way from Lassie.
  • The knock at the door sounded pre-pubescent? Is she used to young boys knocking on her door? Cougar!
  • Young boy wants to be trained as a wizard and his name just happens to be Harry Potter, I think that would make a good book.
  • Oh okay, it’s a mushroom, not a penis.
  • Animated sparkles and a half-naked Julie Louis-Dreyfuss(s), what more could a guy want?
  • That was a mean Mr. Troll, as if Malcom wasn’t tiny enough, you’ve changed him into an even smaller troll. And he was supposed to be your friend.
  • Ahhh…the back story of the troll and his bad intentions. Now it’s all coming together and starting to make sense…*cough*BULLCRAP*cough*.
  • I always thought that June Lockhart’s acting resembled that of a tree stump and now we have proof.
  • I’m thinking that Torak’s green ring has more cinematic appeal than the Green Lantern’s.
  • Big bat troll on the loose and he looks pissed.
  • TROUPE ALERT!! Bad guy saves the day by killing his own evil creation.
  • And away the family goes off to their new town, Nilbog. (Yes that was a Troll 2 reference)

Dynamic Dialogue:

“I’d rather watch Star Trek. Phasers on dull.”

“Have you been playing with dead cats?”

“I’m in to swinging and children having pillow fights at all hours of  the night while I’m trying to score might cause me a few strikeouts.”

“You can forget the milk honey, he’s in to gin and tonics.”

“Can I come in, I think I’m going to throw up”

“Buzz off you little creeps.”

“Someone probably had their stereo on too loud. Probably one of those kids.” – Good rule of thumb, if in doubt, blame the kids!

Just to be clear, Troll 2, the notoriously so-bad-it’s-hilarious sequel has absolutely no connection to this movie at all. In fact the trolls are referred to as goblins. Nevertheless, this movie is pretty cheesy and the acting isn’t all that great, but there are some enjoyable parts. This would be the perfect scary movie for the 8-10 year old crowd. But if you are looking for some sort of blood and gore slash-fest or a scream flick for your All Hallows Eve get together, this one isn’t for you. I can’t quite give this the dreaded 4 or 5 turds, the mark of reel crap, and I can’t really say that it was all that good either. So, I’ll stick with somewhere in the middle on this one. The 1985 version of Troll gets 3 turds from me. On the good side, I have seen rumors that there is a remake coming on the horizon in the near future.

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Introducing: Warrior of the Lost World (1985)

Looking for a movie with some action, some things blowing up, and a clinic on how to spray bullets without hurting or killing anyone. Well, I’ve got one for you. I just finished watching 1985’s Mad Max ripoff, Warrior of the Lost World. This post-apocalyptic tale will have you wondering how to cut the annoying voice of a talking motorcycle while still keeping all it’s cool features. So, if you are curious but just want to put the movie on fast forward, I’ll provide the highlights for you so that you don’t miss anything important.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: David Worth

Starring: Robert Ginty, Donald Pleasence, Persis Khambatta, Fred Williamson

Tagline: Only one rider can destroy the Omega force.

Rated: R

Stunt Dummy Appearances: 3 (Can you find them all?)

While on the run from treacherous Omega troopers and post-apocalyptic punk rockers, a mercenary (only known as The Rider) and his hyped-up, talking motorcycle named Einstein crashes his way into a lost world where he is deemed “The Chosen One” to rescue their leader who is being held captive and up for death by the evil, Prossor. With the help the leader’s daughter, Natashia, our hero sets off to rescue the good Doctor. In the process of staging a somewhat successful escape from the Omega headquarters, Natashia is trapped and brainwashed into becoming a servant to Prossor, while her father and The Rider flee the area. The two then enlist the help of a rogue’s gallery of misfits to help rebel against the Omega regime and make an attempt to save the vivacious Natashia.

What you would be missing:

  • If the opening soundtrack is any indication, we are in deep trouble here.
  • Good lord, can this opening credit sequence slow down a bit? And holy cow, does this scrolling novel of a prologue ever end?
  • Nice motorcycle chase to start the film with Naziesque security force – Beep Beep Beep
  • Talking motorcycle that is grating on the nerves five minutes into the movie.
  • Dorks and Veg-outs and Geeks – Oh MY!
  • Post apocalyptic vehicle chases – with probably the worst drivers ever.
  • Bad voice dubbing – Yes please!
  • From motorcycle running into a rock cliff side to weird healing ritual with flashlights, to militaristic training center all with no explanation – great editing. This must definitely be the world of Illusion.
  • Hey! Watch where you’re pointing that gun bitch!
  • Since when do tarantulas growl, hiss, and squeak, snakes hiss like electric currents, and…what the hell? Is that a zombie?
  • Nothing says cinematic genius like a post-apocalyptic S&M show.
  • TRMNTR-114 corporal punishment – Hasta la vista, baby.
  • TROPE ALERT!!! – Heroes are deadly with  machine guns randomly firing and decimating hundreds of bad guys. Bad guys however, couldn’t hit a wall if they were standing in front of it, and apparently at point blank range.
  • Don Pleasence! Oh my god is this the model for Austin Power’s Dr. Evil?
  • Fight of the Decade: Punk Rock bitches vs Apocalyptic Hillbillies vs Omega Stormtroopers vs Ninjas vs Punk Surfer Dudes – my god, it’s the cast of the Borderlands video game. And no surprise, the hero rules them all.
  • More bad voice dubbing.
  • Who knew raising a fist would rally the troops?
  • Torture with high pitched synth sounds. Ohhh the humanity!!!
  • And the talking motorcycle is back – Hot to Trot, Hot to Trot, Hot to Trot!!
  • Slow motion car explosions x3, motorcycle and bus casualty x 1, missed bad guy point blank shots x 1,000,000
  • Nobody like a motorcycle with a dirty mouth.
  • Who can stop the large steel plated, flame throwing, spike-sporting Omega dump truck? The talking motorcycle and our hero, that’s who. Well, that ended up being rather anti-climatic.
  • And because of their horrible shooting skills, the Omega troopers are taken hostage by the band of rebels.
  • I shall call her…Mini Me.
  • Witness Fred Williamson’s Lando Calrissian moment. What a twist. I’m guessing someone was thinking sequel. Think again!
  • And somewhere there rides a…Warrior. (And he’s riding that damn talking motorcycle)

Incredible and Thought Provoking Dialogue:

“Oh Boy! Oh Boy! Oh Boy! – Yippee!! Yippee!! Yippee!! – Yee Hah! Yee Hah! Yee Hah! Whoopee!!! Whoopee!!! Whoopee!!!”

“Work is everyone’s freedom. Work must be neat and efficient. Food and entertainment are provided. Silence is its own reward. Obey the laws and obligations. We are very well today.”

“Prepare her for the assembly line.”

“Wow. Wow. Wow”

After watching this movie, I couldn’t decide what it was that I liked most about it. I could recall a lot of things I hated – the soundtrack, the talking motorcycle, the cheesy acting, the stupid hand-to-hand combat sequences) but then it hit me…ahhh, the explosions! This movie had some of the most over the top vehicle explosions I think I’ve ever seen before. It’s almost as if every vehicle was a hydrogen bomb on wheels. And oh yes, I also liked Donald Pleasence as Prossor, but only because I couldn’t get the image of Dr. Evil out of my head the whole time. And the chase scenes weren’t all that bad either.  As far as the rest of the movie goes? Meh. Not much story and a lot of plot holes. If it wasn’t for the most annoying character, Einstein the motorcycle, I would have probably liked it better. CRAP!! CRAP!! CRAP!! So with that said, I am giving this movie 3 turds out of 5 because it did have some redeeming qualities and wasn’t a total waste of time.

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Ghoulies (1985)

Remember those movies from your childhood that you remember by one or more distinct images. You remember the images but don’tGhoulies movie poster remember actually watching the movie. Such is the case with Ghoulies. The image of the Ghoulie coming out of the toilet will forever be one that I can harkon back to my childhood and scaring my cousin, telling her that we had Ghoulies in our backpacks. With those visions in my head that I watch this movie of the 80’s that tried to piggyback on the fame of Gremlins. It didn’t work.

If you feel the need to watch this B-movie classic, then I have provided you with the Cliff Notes version that will help guide you through the interesting parts, that way you can watch it on fast forward and not miss any of this cinematic masterpiece.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Luca Bercovici

Starring: Peter Liapis, Lisa Pelikan, Jack Nance

Rated: PG-13

Tagline: They’ll get you in the end.

Jonathon and his girlfriend/wife move into a mansion he inherits not knowing that the mansion was used to house a satanic cult and the botched ritual involving a baby that happened 25 years earlier. Jonathon soon finds books about the occult throughout the house and takes an interest going as far as holding his own seance.  This spewing of incantations, brings forth little demons, or Ghoulies, that must obey their new master Jonathon. Unbeknownst to Jonathon, his dabbling into the cult has also awoken the mansion’s former leader from the grave who returns to complete the ritual from years ago.

What you would have seen:

  • Crazy green eyed cult leader – have a little trouble taking off that cloak there buddy?
  • A tribble with teeth? I’m guessing Jim Henson had nothing to do with these puppets.
  • Single grave in the front yard is never a good sign. Not to mention the pentagram on the headstone.
  • Creepy caretaker making eyes at the girlfriend. He looks like a cross between John C. Reilly and Santa Claus.
  • Books in the house about Black Magic, Witchcraft, and Pentagrams – hmmm…anyone else getting a red flag here?
  • Something about a macho Italian jerk who’s stuck on himself named Dick that makes you hate him.
  • The ultimate party game – Satanic Ritual in a circle.
  • Quitting school to study the Dark Arts and Black Magic? What? The local college didn’t offer those as courses in the curriculum?
  • Do we really need the voice ever narration?
  • And the Ghoulies come out of hiding.  Dick Nose, an ugly cat, a bat, and a Green Booger
  • Might want to check the pipes in the basement, you seem to have sprung a leak.
  • Could someone please get these Ghoulies a Kleenex?
  • What’s worse than saying another woman’s name while getting it on with your girl…apparently chanting encantations to summon demons. Sheesh, some women just don’t understand.
  • Just what this movie needed, two nearly hairless Ewoks, one of which needs to chew on some wood to keep those teeth down.
  • Where can I get me a pair of those green eyes?
  • What great dinner hosts, white cloaks for everyone. Now let’s howl at the moon!
  • Damn those dwarfs are tiny.
  • Cause it’s a Thriller, Thriller night. You’re fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight
  • Holy cow, there’s more boogers. And they have six-pack abs. I’m jealous.
  • Great, now dead Malcolm from the grave now has control over his own set of Ghoulies. Where can I get a set of my very own?
  • Pretty sure that wasn’t the french kiss he was hoping to get.
  • So that’s what two little dwarfs fighting a dick nosed ghoulie look like. Watch out, she’s deadly with that club.
  • As if the breakdancing moves weren’t bad enough at the first of the movie.
  • Oh dear, somebody forgot to flush.
  • Jonathan, I am your Father!  Nooooooooo!!!
  • Be careful, don’t  throw him up against the walls too hard, those community theater sets could fall down.
  • The jolly caretaker comes to the rescue with a staff to Malcolm’s back and a laugh that is quite distrubing – let the electric shock battle begin.
  • Amazing, all dead friends come back to life once evil is destroyed.
  • Looks like he picked up a few extra passengers.
  • Roll credits.

Deep and Thought Provoking Dialogue:

“What do you guys want to do?” – “Why don’t we play Hide and Seek?”

“If you do not drink, you will burn. The choice is yours.”

“Wow man, that chick is really a screamer.”

“No doubt about it, Mr. Dick, you are a lucky guy.”

“Hey dude, don’t Bogart that joint.”

As I mentioned before, this movie was firmly embedded into my childhood memories. However, I don’t remember and can’t believe that my mother would ever let me watch a movie like this growing up. I’m sure if I did see it, I would have thought it was awesome, what with the creatures and the killings, etc. Watching it again some 20+ years later, I have come to realize that this movie sucks just as bad as most everyone else did and that only a 10 year old would like it. However, I did get a couple of chuckles here and there.

Because of those childhood memories this movie brings, I am going to forgive it a bit for being so shlocky. With that said, I am giving this movie 3 turds out of 5.

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