Tag Archives: 4.5 turds

Introducing: Zombie Lake (1981)

2145944For the past two months, I have been waiting in anticipation for one of my favorite TV shows, AMC’s, The Walking Dead. I love it. Zombies are the cool thing these days and movies that feature them will be hitting television and movie screens over the course of the next year. So, to prepare myself for the upcoming episode of the Walking Dead, I searched for the word zombie on Netflix streaming. The first selection to come up was Zombie Lake, a French movie made in 1981. I quickly found the film on Rotten Tomatoes as well and I knew I was in for a long evening when there wasn’t even a critic rating listed, and had an audience rating of 18%. And I definitely wasn’t disappointed. My suggestion to anyone else who wants to queue this zombie flick up, is to acquint yourself with the list of important details that we have graciously provided so that you can watch it on fast forward and not have to totally waste 92 minutes of your time.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Jean Rollin

Starring: Howard Vernon, Antonio Mayans, Pierre-Marie Escourrou

Rated: NR

Tagline: God help us if they rise again!

Number of Continuity Flaws: at least 24 or any scene that involved the mayor

During a small skirmish outside of a small German village, German soldiers are shot, killed, and then thrown in the lake. Several years later those soldiers mysteriously return in the form of zombies that are hungry for naked girls and anyone else who gets in their way. The zombies roam freely around the village while the villagers try to thwart their attack with useless firearms. A flashback sequence tells the story of one German soldier’s deflowering of a local woman and the subsequent offspring that happens as a result of it. Both father and mother die and the young child, Helena, is left an orphan. Returning back to the present day setting of the movie, the girl’s father has now been transformed into a zombie but amazingly enough has the memory of his long lost daughter and develops a relationship with her. Creepy. Seeing how the zombies respond to her “father” gives her an idea that will help save the village from becoming inevitable Zombie Snacks.

Make sure you don’t miss:

  • Porno style bells and chimes music to opening credits.
  • Boobs!!
  • I wasn’t aware that beavers sunned themselves on logs.
  • Dirty ponds with lily pads above water, turn into bright blue swimming pools when one goes underwater.
  • Gotta love English dubbing.
  • Spank it, spank it, oh yes you naughty girl. Spank that washing.
  • Warning to women #1:  Beware of local zombies, they will slobber blood all over you.
  • After being shot dead, fire has the ability to bring the dead back to life so they can run away.
  • Time for a roll in the hay – Boobs! – You can only have so much fan with your pants on. Watch out for the belt buckle.
  • Great piece of acting from a grieving wet nurse. I smell an OSCAR!!!
  • Van full of giggly young women – cue Benny Hill music here.
  • Boobs! x 8
  • Warning to women #2:  Skinny dipping in a lake riles up underwater zombies.
  • They’ve been in the water so long, their zombie paint is wearing off.
  • It’s not everyday, a topless girl runs into the local cafe, at least none I’ve never been to. Unfortunately.
  • Zombie father with a fresh coat of face paint and daughter reunion, how sweet.  And, wow that zombie has an incredible memory and coordination for being dead for 10+ years.
  • Zombie make out session with cop – ewwww…
  • Live zombie make out session in barn – disturbingly more gross – and they didn’t have the green face paint
  • Excuse me miss, your garter is showing.
  • Zombies emerging from the water – cool scene – all except for the one over actor on the far left
  • Try your best to refrain from a lame Michael Jackson, Thriller reference. – It’s close to midnight, and something evils’ lurking in the dark – Dammit!
  • Zombies foam at the mouth when shot?
  • Zombie v Zombie: Quick somebody call Vince McMahon – I’ve got a new Wrestlemania match for him to consider.
  • Wallpaper doesn’t look so great on doors.
  • Warning to women #3: Stopping to take a picture during a zombie attack could lead to your demise.
  • Mmmm…Zombies love tomato soup, oops, I mean blood.
  • Flamethrower for the win. I wonder if Zombies taste like chicken?
  • Cue the tears…and…FIN!

Best Dubbed over Quotes:

“Let’s get away from this heap of hicks.”

“We’d better face the fact: the zombies have declared war. Those two cops were skeptical. Our fate’s now in our own hands. We must find a way to safeguard our town from the mad, murdering zombies’

“Ah ha…yeah…let’s go get ’em. Yeah…ahhhh…let’s go.”

“Not him Grandma, he fought them off, he saved my life.”

“Bring me a whole lot of fresh blood.”

Final Thoughts:

Let me begin by saying, this film is atrocious. I don’t have the time to list all the minor flaws that are in this movie. Let me just start with one obvious and very disturbing flaw, the zombies. The makeup was absolutely horrendous and unforgivable. The zombies faces were painted a deep shade of green and in some some scenes, the makeup was completely rubbed off of their faces. And the most inexcusable zombie flaw was the storyline of the father/daughter reunion. Zombies are dead, have no feelings, and just have one thing on their mind, food. One particular zombie in this film not only has a memory of a daughter he left behind, but remembers where she lives, and is nimble and coordinated enough to take off a necklace from his neck and place it around hers. Awful, awful, awful…The Walking Dead it’s not.

Second aspect of the film that I couldn’t get past was the constant continuity issues, and there were many, this flick had. Characters flitted from one scene to another each with a different wardrobe change and  just showed up out of nowhere to say a line or inject themselves into the scene. Many scenes were completely pointless.

The soundtrack sounded as if two eight-year olds were let loose in a music store and were given free reign to play with the instruments. And by that description, I think I gave the soundtrack some justice. Then there was the nudity, and plenty of it. Now, I’m appreciative of a good looking nude female body just as much as the next guy, but even that couldn’t save this movie. These flaws have led me to give this movie a 4.5 turd rating out of 5 turds. One of the worst movies I have ever seen.

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Introducing: MegaShark vs Crocosaurus (2010)

Giant and abnormally sized animals usually don’t make for a great movie premise. Think of all those movies we’ve seen over the years with giant ants, spiders, anacondas, etc. These types of movies are not blockbuster caliber, but usually make for a good chance to sit back and unwind and enjoy the hump day. What a great way to just let your mind go and be entertained. That’s when I had my curiosity peaked when the title Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus crept across my “Recommended” listings on Netflix. (An embarrassing fact about my  somewhat lack of taste in my Netflix viewing habits apparently.) As I cranked up this movie however, I was in for a night of cheesy acting and many a plot hole – just what a B-movie needs. I hadn’t counted on something like this however. Take my advice and watch through this film with the fast forward button pressed firmly.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Christopher Ray

Starring: Jaleel White, Gary Stretch, Robert Picardo

Tagline: Whoever wins…We lose!

Rated: R

Number of scenes reused: 4

In this sequel to the ever-so-popular, “Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, an over-sized, prehistoric crocodile emerges from a cave to gobble up people and look for a place to lay its eggs. Meanwhile, a large prehistoric shark, a Megalodon, is disturbed by some experimental sonar sounds that make it go bat shit crazy. While both creatures wreak havoc over their respective surroundings, a team of scientists and naval officers look for a way to destroy both animals. The crocodile is captured and is accidentally let loose during transport, which was conveniently where the Megalodon was roaming the seas. After the croc lays her eggs, the shark decides that a diet of naval sailors wasn’t fulfilling enough and makes its way to snack on the  newly laid crocodile eggs. This pisses the croc off and they battle each other out to sea while the scientists work out a plan to lure them into a specific area to blow them up using a nuclear submarine.

What you want to watch for:

  • Warning!! This is a film made by The Asylum.
  • Hey Master, what accent are you going for there, Australian? Red-neck? Australian Red-Neck?
  • Giant crocodile that would make Ray Harryhausen proud
  • Oh my god, it’s Steve Urkel!
  • Wow, that’s a big ass shark.
  • Remember that scene from Free Willy when Willy jumps over the embankment? Imagine that scene with a battleship and a shark.
  • So is that considered jumping the shark?
  • Nice wild boar backpack
  • Don’t know which is worse, the acting or the CGI?
  • Smart idea. Let’s jump in the water with both a giant shark and a giant crocodile.
  • What? Kids on an isolated island out in the middle of the ocean? Okay I’m lost. Where did they wash up exactly?
  • Umm…Flying shark? With a missile in it’s mouth.
  • How does this crocodile keep changing size? Now it’s bigger than a science museum?
  • Godzilla! Godzilla!
  • Mmmmm…Shamu snack
  • Shark eating a submarine like a dog fetching s stick.
  • First Orlando, then Panama, California, and off to Hawaii. Just how fast are those creatures moving?
  • One nuclear sub, down the hatch. Stay out of the way of that burp.
  • Crocodile seems to be in two or three places at once
  • I think my head is starting to spin.
  • How convenient that there is an unmanned raft just sitting on the beach?
  • Didn’t we just see that scene? And again? And again?
  • Not sure what the hell just happened.  Something about a volcano, a nuclear sub and two large animals fighting. Long story short…one big explosion, all dead.
  • The End, and god bless.

Dynamic Dialogue:

“Who wants an omlette that big?”

“Either dig deeper and tell me you love me, or undo the handcuffs and let me do it myself.”

“We don’t have a cage or tank big enough.”

“I suggest you bring your hydrosonic balls with you.”

“The shark has gone nuclear.”

“Listen here, you fake ass pirate!”

“Sir, the creatures are toast.”

Wow, that’s about all I can say after watching this movie. This movie is a total piece of poo. It was like watching 88 minutes of random events that lead and no timeline to speak of. You would think that all of these events would have happened in a matter of two days and covered nearly the whole globe. What a stupid, stupid movie. Did anyone do an ounce of research for this movie? What it be so much to possibly explain the existence of these two creatures? Where did they come from and why are they still alive? How is the Croc able to reproduce? Is this reptile all of a sudden asexual?

I realize that this was a low-budget straight to video and probably right on to the Syfy Network movie made by The Asylum, who are notorious for bad movies, but this one is ridiculous. The lame attempt at CGI was inexcusable throughout most of the movie. I’ve seen better special effects from YouTube videos made by middle and high school kids. And even though there was some familiar faces cast in the film, their acting was just terrible. The only redeeming quality that I could salvage out of this film would be the soundtrack. Not that it was great, but it actually tried to envoke a tone throughout the film. So, with the soundtrack as the only positive, the movie gets a 4.5 turds out of 5.

It is nice to see that someone tried to make sense of the mess that is the plot and timeline of Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus. This is a helpful infographic about the film from www.staubman.com .

Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

Browse more infographics.
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TerrorVision (1986)

Anyone in the mood for a comedic, sci-fi, horror flick that is apparently funded partly by Heineken beer? Nah, I wouldn’t be either, but I watched it so you wouldn’t have to waste 85 minutes of your life.

Streaming from: Netflix

Directed by:  Ted Nicolaou 

Starring: Diane Franklin, Gerrit Graham, Chad Allen

Taglines: People of Earth, your planet is about to be destroyed… We’re terribly sorry for the inconvenience.

The new satellite dish of the Putterman family has picked up some garbage from another galaxy that has been converted into energy and zapped among the planets. This intergalactic energy takes the form of an alien that looks like Jabba the Hutt had sex with Seymour the man eating plant. The only one of the Putterman’s that recognizes the danger of the alien is Sherman, the youngest member of the family, and goes to great lengths to warn them of the impending danger. Unfortunately, Sherman’s parents are too interested in swinging with another couple to take any notice. The alien materializes out of the television to chow down on members in and around the house. Sherman’s sister, Suzy, and her metal head boyfriend, O.D., try to domesticate the alien; but with any household animal, they tend to be very temperamental and the slightest thing will set them off.

What you would be missing:

  • One hell of a complicated remote control.
  • Soundtrack that includes it’s own theme song. A very bad theme song that is.
  • Grandpa’s room is a bomb shelter. Really? And speaking of Grandpa, why am I grossed out when he says that he’s “Just taking care of business?” Hmmmm…must be the gooey stuff dripping off his nose and chin.
  • Huge 80’s hairdo with a wild dye job
  • Impressive starry night (looks great on the sound stage wall)
  • Come on kid, just take your medicine. Everything will be okay. And put down that semi automatic machine gun.
  • For some reason, this film thinks that people have green blood that looks like anti-freeze.
  • Boobs! – and a lactating fountain.
  • Do I really want to know what appendage that third eye ball is attached to on the alien?
  • Oh my god, it talks too.
  • And it “regurgitates” the bodies of it’s victims so that it can use them as puppets to lure other yummy house members. I think I’m starting to like this alien being more and more as the movie progresses.
  • Lightning bolt transitions during  cut scenes
  • Dude, I should have counted the number of times, “Dude”, was said.

Award Winning dialogue:

“Hey Mr. P, I’m going to grab another Heinie.”

“Holy Tomatoes!”

“Cool? It’s a warm 98.6, kinda like swimming in your mother’s womb.”

“Remember kids, you do your thing; we’ll do ours.”

Something tells me that this movie is probably meant to be seen while smoking a joint and speed drinking a case of liquor, which would explain all the stupid attempts at stupid humor. Since I don’t smoke weed and I was all out of beer, I did have to suffer through this atrocious film, so you wouldn’t have to.

I would give this movie 4.5 turds out of 5! This movie ranks in at a whopping 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. Holy Tomatoes is right! Very bad movie, but I’m guessing there are worse out there.

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