Tag Archives: 4 turds

Introducing: Zombie High (1987)

zombie-high-1987As school starts again for thousands of students across the nation, and teachers too, what better way to open a new school year than with a movie entitled, Zombie High. Now, some teachers can debate that there are days where high school students walk around as if in a zombified state anyway, but it’s always nice to see someone else having to put with it for a change. And in the case of Zombie High, it’s a young Virginia Madsen that gets to deal with those students, but only because they are her peers. Sound interesting…it’s not. I’d rather spend 93 minutes in a high school economics class listening to a lecture that have sit through Zombie High. But, I did. So, in honor of school beginning and of the reports and papers that are bound to be written in the next few months, I have provided you with the Clif Notes versions of this academic nightmare of a flick.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Rob Link

Starring: Virginia Madsen, Richard Cox, Paul Fieg, T. Scott Coffey, Paul Williams

Rated: R

Tagline: None – Might I suggest, “This school will pick your brain.”

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 15% Audience

Number of  lobotomized students it takes to form a perfect dance number in sync: 4

A promising young woman is awarded a scholarship to a prestigious all boys boarding school. When she starts to notice that her peers seem to drastically change their personalities and become straight laced focused students, she begins to uncover a nefarious secret about the school’s never-aging faculty.

Most Important Parts you Won’t want to Miss:

  • Everybody knows actions speak louder than words, listen to the beat get up on your feet. Let’s Go!
  • Pop up those collars kids, it is the 80’s after all.
  • Carpe Diem! –  in harmony
  • They sure aren’t stingy with the mashed potatoes.
  • Looks like someone is going to need to learn some different pick up lines.
  • Gang rape by some frat boys.
  • Watch out for the girls that have PSM. They are a bit weird.
  • Zzzzz…oh, what?
  • If a scream and a crash of stainless steel equipment isn’t a clue that someone is sneaking about in the infirmary, nothing is.
  • I’m guessing that whoever scored this soundtrack was a drum major.
  • The professor looks pretty good for a 102 year old.
  • Best use of scene swipes since Star Wars.
  • Breakfast of Champions – injections of blood and brain matter.
  • OMG, I’m having flashbacks to watching episodes of Dukes of Hazard during the car chase.
  • Man, those screen swipes sure are noisy.
  • Stay out of the way when old zombies want to hit the bottle.
  • Barry’s shoes must double as roller skates.
  • Quite possibly the worst rip off of the Beastie Boys I’ve ever heard
  • My thoughts about this movie exactly – Kiss My Butt!

Award Winning Quotes:

“You know there’s a 10 to 1 guys to girls ratio here?”

“You give me potatoes, I’ll kill your entire family.”

“The only thing I hate more than women is men.”

“Dullness is a contagious disease around here.”

“You can’t replace human emotions with a crystal.”

“Craziest damn thing I ever heard.”

“Craziest damn thing I ever heard.”

“Craziest damn thing I ever heard.”

“You’re tapped, f**ker.”

“Got yourself quite an education didn’t you?”

THE FINAL WORD:

Despite the always entertaining, Virginia Madsen, and the awesome 80’s clothes, this movie really doesn’t have much to offer. If you were thinking that you were getting ready for an all out zombie fest full of blood and gore. Well, think again. The plot is quite uninteresting and actually a bit stupid. Saying that the pacing was a little sluggish is doing this film justice. What a bore. In fact, nothing happens until a Hazzard County style car chase scene, complete with dirt road fishtailing and dirt pile jumping, that takes place when the “mystery” of the school starts to take shape. The special effects masters of this film didn’t do a whole lot better either. What little bit of “monster” we saw, was nothing more than a latex mask pulled over the head that no one made an attempt to conceal by at least tucking the bottom of the mask down into the actor’s shirt. Nope, it was left just hanging there for a scene that maybe took 10 secs of screen time. If this film was being graded at it’s own fictional academy, it would receive a generous D-, but since I’m grading it, I give the film the score that it has earned with a score of 4 turds.

zombie high old farts

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Introducing: DragonQuest (2009)

dragonquest-2009-coverNothing says “horrible movie” than a direct to DVD fantasy adventure. And The Asylum production company is never one to let us down. The latest film I watched was a hero’s quest to save the kingdom. And believe me when I tell you that the quest was a total waste of time for both film watchers and apparently script writers.  You will go on a difficult quest yourself by trying to  make it through this movie in one sitting without getting up to do something else or restart because you fell asleep, which trust me, is more difficult of a quest than that of the film’s hero. So to help you make it through the movie, I’ve provided you with some of the most important parts of the film.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Mark Atkins

Starring: Marc Singer (the f’n Beastmaster!), Daniel Bonjour, Jason Connery, Brian Thompson, Jennifer Dorogi

Rated: PG-13

Tagline: Our fate lies in the hands of one.

Rotten Tomato Score: 11%

Number of color changes to Arkadi’s shirt: 4

Plot: A young boy (mildly) is forced to be a hero and complete a series of quests to find the precious stones of virtue and piece together a medallion that will help him defeat a dragon conjured up by an evil ancient warlord.

Important things you won’t want to miss:

  • Impressive sweeping landscapes to open the movie
  • Squeezing the blood out of a necklace summons shadow dragons. Wait what?
  • Meanwhile at Hansel and Gretel’s cabin…
  • Typical teenager, smoking magic dust and perving on the neighbor girl.
  • Fire Dragons tend to be the most intimidating, except to teenagers.
  • CGI castle is home to many angry actors
  • Epic battle 300 style, with animated blood spatter and severed head. THIS IS SPARTA…no, it’s not, it’s crap.
  • Talking dragons makes old people commit suicide.
  • Don’t mess with scantily clad women wielding sticks and powerful legs.
  • In my day, Maxim was the name of a men’s magazine not a Beastmaster trying to talk like a pirate. Arrrrrr.
  • Marc Singer (Maxim) has quite the rubber face. Somebody give that guy some prunes, it seems as though he needs to take a poop.
  • Eight foot river monster lives in a creek that looks to be only 5 feet across. That’s one deep ass creek bed.
  • Safety Tips for Kids #1: You must control the urge to smoke a tin foil star covered blunt while in the belly of a beast.
  • The Keeper must be brave to put a jewel from the green sparkly belly of a river monster in their mouth. Gross.
  • I don’t suppose anyone could get that vendor a pair of finger nail clippers?  How does she wipe for God-sake?
  • Oh lovely, nothing like a chain breaking and sleeping bearded guy montage to make the movie drag on even more.
  • And the point of the large exoskeleton spider was what? Other than a reason to use some bad CGI effects? And wow, that has to be the most brightly lit cave I’ve ever seen.
  • Well, that’s one gem that I wouldn’t have gotten. It’s in the tub for me!
  • Seems like the jewels of the medallion are just laying all over the place and everyone has one.
  • Safety Tips for Kids #2: Never follow a Vulcan-like man into a tent by yourself. Nothing good will come of it.
  • Note the ease that Maxim the Knight takes out the most worthless group of minions ever.
  • Arkadi, I’d be frustrated to, I mean you’ve worked so hard to find the gem stones, considering most of them were just given to you.
  • Not only do Kirill’s minions attack one at a time, but they also use plastic swords to do it.
  • Light/Ice Dragon is like a fully grown Pokeman creature.
  • Five minutes of non-climatic plasma beam fight between hero and villain ends in forced facial expressions.

Dialogue:

“What’s in your pouch boy?” (That’s probably not something you should be asking a young boy.)

“He became blind to the greatest virtue of all, humility.”

“I didn’t ask for this. I don’t want it.”

“The bed’s not soft, but the latrine is convenient.” (So just shit anywhere you want, the writers seemed to.)

“The virtues in the stones, will match the virtues in the man. The power lies in you.”

THE FINAL WORD:

DragonQuest is not a good movie. There, I didn’t beat around the bush. Despite the awesome and gorgeous landscape shots that were seen throughout the film, they were not enough to save this movie from itself. The plot features one of the lamest quests ever seen in film. The hero had to do absolutely nothing to get the gems with the exception of one. It seems as though everyone has a gem to give out thus not making the hero go through hardly any danger to receive the gems to complete his quest. And come to find out, that he doesn’t even find the all the gems. The fight scenes were lacking of any type of creative choreography to consider this an action movie. The fights consisted of the same pattern every time and goes as follows: Villain swings, hero ducks, hero grabs villain’s arm and swings their weapon for the “kill”. While the acting is not great, it is rather serviceable considering the story. If this film starred Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp, it still would not have been enough to make this movie any less painful to watch. 4 fiery dragon turds for this one.

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Introducing: Rodentz (2001)

rodentz coverSummer vacation is here. This gives me some time to relax by playing golf, reading some good books, and loading up my streaming services with movies to watch. Luckily, or unfortunate, however the case may be, I came upon the film Rodentz as the first flick that popped up in the “New Arrivals”  section of Netflix. I didn’t feel like doing much searching so I just settled for the first thing I saw. Besides, anytime you replace an “s” with a “z” in the movie’s title, you know you’re in for a real ztinker!

AKA: Altered Species

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Serge Rodnunsky or Miles Feldman???

Starring: Allen Lee Haff, Guy Vieg, Robert Broughton, Leah Rowan

Rated: R

Tagline: They thought their experiments would change mankind…they were wrong!

Rotten Tomatoes Score: No Reviews Yet (0%)

Number of minutes spent looking for a condom: 5

In searching for a cure for cancer, a scientist pours some defective serum down the drain which festers through the sewer pipes right onto the path of a colony of rats. His assistant is able to inject a rat specimen with the serum that has an adverse affect on the rat making it grow to enormous proportions. All the while, the now “infected” rats have turned aggressive thanks to the serum in the drain and turn their anger onto any poor unsuspecting humans (and cat) that happens to visit the laboratory. As convenience would have it, enter five drunk college students looking for their friend, the scientist’s assistant, and a party. What they find however, is a lab infested with serum enhanced rats that have a blood lust for jingly things and human flesh.

Things to Watch for:

  • Rat infested title sequence
  • Every laboratory filled with caged mice must have at least one cat (I’m guessing it doesn’t end well for the cat)
  • The amount of green mixture poured down a sink increases in capacity from a cup to at least a half gallon.
  • CGI rat with animatronic motions is nothing to mess with.
  • When the rat sees red, the fur starts to fly…and the blood.
  • Haven’t people learned by now that it’s not safe to drink the Kool-Aid.
  • Can they make the rats look any cuter?
  • Night custodians are always so bored and lonely that they have to talk to themselves.
  • Rats grow considerable larger when attacking a human body.
  • Haunted lab strip poker may not be as fun as it sounds.
  • I may be crazy, but I think the jug of communal Kool-Aid just refilled itself.
  • Oh, those cute lab rats, they grow up so fast.
  • What’s the matter doc, rat got your eye?
  • Bad dub over, not in sync with blonde girl’s drunk mouth – “Yes of course”
  • Brenda is just hungry enough to eat through her cage.
  • Did you know that rats “howl” at the moon?
  • Boobs!!
  • Really bad voice over dubbing again
  • Huh? WHAT DID YOU SAY? SPEAK UP, WE CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE AWFUL SOUNDTRACK!
  • Running from rats must be a good way to lose weight. Pink girl’s pants keep sliding farther and farther down.
  • It’s tough work finding a condom in the bottomless glove compartment.
  • Frank is going to be pissed that a large rat got to eat out his girlfriend before he did.
  • Okay I can’t be the only one thinking of these watching those rats come around the corner of the building.
  • I don’t suppose anyone can explain how the lights came back on again.
  • Rats jump out of their cages like Star Trek tribbles.
  • PETA members may want to close their eyes at the 1 hr 3 minute mark. There may be a spot in the NFL for Walter. Laces out Dan!
  • SAFETY TIP: Hey kids! Using one’s teeth on electrical wires is an amazingly stupid and unsafe idea. Don’t try that at home.
  • Since when do electrical boxes run off of 6-Volt batteries duct taped together? Someone got the electrician’s special on that deal.
  • I’ve seen a person in a Godzilla suit, a person in a Sasquatch suit, but this might just be the first person in a rat suit I’ve ever seen. And probably the worst suit in movies…ever!
  • Gary, didn’t your mother tell you, never shake hands with a rat bigger than you!
  • Anyone in the mood for fried rat?
  • How many times is that van going to blow up?
  • Well sure as hell not going to sit through the “spider” version. No thanks.

Dandy Dialogue:

“Ain’t got the bosom, but I got the whiskey.”

“Spunk? Spunk?”

“You wouldn’t be talking like that if you had a tumor.” – “He already does…it’s in his shorts.”

“Walter, take a chill pill. We’re here to save you from yourself.”

“I’m sorry, you were completely innocent, in bed with another chick, naked.”

FINAL WORD:

While animal attack movies have been around for some time, this just might be the worst of them all. The movie was so bad, the director has to go by an alias (Serge Rodnunsky a.k.a. Miles Feldman) The plot is so ridiculous and contrived – drunk teens go to a laboratory to party that is infested with rats. The story itself takes forever to get into. After watching for thirty boring minutes, I paused the film only to find that there was still another hour left to go! Most B-Movies know that they are going to be bad, but this film crew must have thought that they had a blockbuster hit on their hands. There was not the usual tongue-in-cheek approach that many B-Movies tend to take, but instead, decided to take itself too serious. Way too serious! I have some questions in mind that bothered me about the film, but I’ll keep them to myself because giving them mcuh more thought means that I had put more thinking into the film than the filmmakers themselves did.

Most of the characters serve no purpose at all, other than to be rat food by the end. All the character stereotypes are here, but very thinly built and very one-dimensional. There’s the slut, jock, chicken, rebel, prude, and nerd. Sad thing, the characters could be easily interchanged among the actors and no one would notice. The acting is just plain bad. Hell, I’d give more props to the rats. Bottom line, pass on this movie. You’ll get much more enjoyment, and less pain, setting mousetraps to different parts of your own body. This film gets four rat turds out of the dreaded five.

rodentz giant rat

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Introducing: Assault of the Sasquatch

assault of the sasquatch 00Sometimes a lesson at school peaks students’ interests so much, that they go out and find their own information to fill themselves with more knowledge. During a reading lesson, we read about cryptozoologists and how they hunted for mythical creatures such as Bigfoot and Loch Ness Monster. We’ve learned that a good place to find interesting documentaries is Netflix. Sure enough, our search through Netflix turned up at least six different titles pertaining to Bigfoot. One of the titles that popped up was something called Assault of the Sasquatch. Judging a video by it’s cover made this movie look like quite the turd. I couldn’t have been more right.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Andrew Gernhard

Starring: Kevin Shea, Sarah Ahearn, Greg Nutcher, Cristina Santiago

Rated: R

Tagline: New Territory…Fresh Prey.

Rotten Tomatoes: 0% – That should have been a warning.

Number of times fat kid says Sasquatch: 33

A group of bear hunters haul in the ultimate prize while on a hunting excursion, the mythical Sasquatch. With intentions of selling the Sasquatch to a big game collector for one million dollars, the trio soon find out the the Sasquatch means business and kills two of them before the third is arrested. When their vehicle is taken to a run down police station, the Sasquatch escapes and reeks havoc over the town. Two local teens and members of the International Sasquatch Hunters see the creature while peeping on a girl taking a shower, the perv. While having to wander in an unfamiliar territory, the Sasquatch must fight it’s way out, killing everything in it’s path.

Best parts you won’t want to miss:

  • Rednecks with too much ammo isn’t a good way to start a movie.
  • Grandpa has the such a golden smile.
  • Gotta feel safe around those cops that take a weed hit and pop pills before heading to a call.
  • Sasquatch go for onion and broccoli pizzas.
  • I think Grandpa’s eye patch just switched eyes.
  • Sasquatch looks disturbingly like a cross between Rob Zombie, a gorilla suit, and WWE Wrestler Mark Henry.
  • I’m thinking that pizza parlour needs to install a two drink limit.
  • Fat guys should know that horizontal stripes are not very slimming.
  • So how does a Bigfoot climbing on top of a roof?
  • Boobs!
  • Did you see what that little dog was wearing, she deserved to get squashed.
  • Apparently, someone didn’t check the prisoner before putting him in the cell. Not a very good pat down job.
  • Ever feel like you’re being followed by a Bigfoot?
  • That Sasquatch has a pretty good arm. He can throw rocks, tires, and mailboxes with great accuracy.
  • Must be the calmest dad in the world. You daughter just got sucked out the door and kidnapped by a Bigfoot creature, no problem, don’t move and she’ll come back eventually. Let the psycho police receptionist go get her instead.
  • How to fight Bigfoot in hand to hand combat. Kick to chest – Kick to balls – Kick to stomach – Kick to Chest – FINISH HIM!!!
  • I’ll rip your arm off and beat you with the bloody end of it.
  • Crazy secretary’s dried blood on her mouth looks like she just ate a cherry Popsicle.
  • “For some reason we’ve pissed that thing off…” – You think? Knocking it out and stuffing it in a storage truck, can’t imagine why it would be pissed off.
  • Guys with a glandular disorder can easily knock a Sasquatch off it’s feet. He needed that to happen like he needed a hole in the head.
  • Sasquatch javelin throw for the win.
  • Looks like the angry acting classes are starting to pay off. Now if only she hadn’t dropped out of dramatic acting.
  • Sasquatch can make a man’s head turn just like an owl’s.
  • Who knew that only four nails could hold a Sasquatch down?
  • Sasquatch is smart enough to push a button.
  • All this time, and all the Sasquatch wanted a finger to add to his necklace.
  • Could someone please call back the Sasquatch to punch the fat kid in the face again?!

Best Quotes Ever:

“Nighty, night hairball.”

“She’s smart, she’s sexy, she’s smexy.”

“The bathroom is just down the hall and there’s air freshener in the bottom cabinet, just in case you need it.”

“Those things are huge.” – “F*** yeah they’re big, they don’t call him Bigfoot for nothing.

“Did you guys see a Sasquatch? He’s big, he’s hairy, and has boobs.”

“Hands.” – “I was wondering when I was going to get my conjugal visit. Whoa, hey, if you wanted it rough, all you had to do was ask.”

“I wasn’t always just a secretary.”

“You better believe that if you piss off Sasquatch, you’re f****d.”

“Mr. Sasquatch, Mr. Sasquatch, I’m so sorry. But on a side note, it’s such an honor to meet you.”

THE FINAL WORD:

Much in the same vain as Thankskilling, this movie never seems to take itself too seriously and in fact had a tendency to be terrible on purpose.   Between a bodily evisceration and a fist through the head, the deaths add a bit of hilarity to the film, when the acting itself isn’t doing so. The characters are either overtly over dramatic (Don) who screams every line or dull and half asleep (sheriff). The writer of the film has penned himself the part of a horny, grumpy, one-eyed big game hunter. His one-liners are somewhat humorous, but get to be a bit annoying. The most charismatic character would have to be the Sasquatch creature. Although it is an obvious person in an ugly gorilla suit, the ‘Squatch and gratefully made to be the “star” of the film. Which brings us back around to the creative killing of characters. The music is nothing much to write home about and is immediately forgettable. There are several editing boo-boos and any action is hard to keep track of because of either a very tight camera angle or very little lighting. This film is not good and should probably stay hidden like the Sasquatch itself and earns it a 4 turd rating.

assault of the sasquatch 01

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Introducing: The Thing with Two Heads (1972)

thing with two headsIt was upon one evening after a three-mile run that I sat on the couch and was scrolling through the Netflix “New Releases” that I saw the cover art for a film that made me laugh uncontrollably and out loud. It was the outrageous cover art to the film “The Thing with Two Heads” and on it depicts a picture of a person with two heads, one white and one black, riding on a motorcycle looking like it was out of control. That, and the unforgettable tagline (They transplanted a white bigot’s head onto a soul brother’s body) definitely had my interest. The idea of such a premise was so ridiculous, in an instant, I knew, that I had to watch this film. I was ready for some good ol’ early 70’s exploitation entertainment.  Fortunately, the laughs did not stop at only the cover art once I hit the play button. Unfortunately, however, all logic went out the window and the cheese started to ooze out of the film as soon as the opening credits began.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Lee Frost

Starring: Ray Miland, Rosey Grier, Chelsey Brown, Don Marshall

Rated: PG

Tagline: They transplanted a white bigot’s head on a soul brother’s body!

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 0%

Number of times the term black bastard is used: 4

Dr. Kirschner is an accomplished transplant surgeon, and bigot, has successfully performed the transplant of a head onto another live body to keep the latter alive. His experiment has been proven successful with the creation of a two-headed gorilla. When Kirschner learns that he has been stricken with an inoperable cancer, he demands that his assistant, Dr. Desmond to find him a body and perform the transplant to prolong his life. The “donor” comes in the form of a convicted murderer on death row, Jack Moss, who also happens to be a large black man. With time running out for Dr. Kirschner, the transplant is made on Jack. When they both come to and Jack realizes what has happened, he uses the opportunity to escape and find a way to clear his name , not to mention rid himself of the extra head he’s acquired. As the police set chase, hilarity and stupidity take over in a bumbling game of cat and two-headed mouse.

Things you won’t want to miss:

  • First time you’ll ever see the title of a movie grow a head; and with interesting “boner” sound.
  • Two, two, two gorillas in one!
  • I feel sorry for any child that these doctors give a shot to.
  • Clean up on aisle five!
  • Colored toilet paper and Tab? Definitely the 70s.  Whatever happened to that colored toilet paper anyway? Answer
  • How many bananas can one ape shovel into its second lifeless mouth anyway?
  • Rejection specialist? Poor doctors only makes $500 per week, how much rejection can one person handle?
  • Exits to hospital surgical rooms lead to complete and total darkness.
  • Terminal chest cancer is a pretty broad diagnosis, but inoperable all the same.
  • Poor gorilla lost his head over this whole scientific experiment.
  • Any volunteers to give your body and your life up for the purposes of science?
  • Opening and closing the basement windows tends to make the walls shake.
  • Bulldog clamp, mosquito clamp, gorilla clamp, nipple clamp
  • Wait, I thought the whole success of the transplant was depended on the spinal column.
  • Hey Doc, got head?
  • One would think that goatee would be a bit scratchy.
  • You’re late for the injection nurse, now Shoo bitch, shoo.
  • Thus begins the game of: Which head is the real one?
  • Jack, your jacket isn’t the most comfortable fit.
  • The term “backseat driver” will never mean the same again.
  • The scenes with both live heads must be the most uncomfortable contraption for both actors.
  • And the escapees pull “a-head” of the pack. If they end up winning…
  • Two guys on the phone while 50+people eavesdrop.
  • It’s clear that policemen find it impossible to avoid random ravines in an open field.
  • Haven’t we seen those crashes before?
  • It’s evident that more of the film’s budget was spent on destroying police vehicles than on any special effect work whatsoever.
  • Oh come on, just give him a kiss. Don’t mind the extra head attached to his shoulders.
  • Hey Doc, you might want to look at the size of the body your sharing before you do any racial stereotyping. Now shut up and eat your soul food.
  • Rosie Grier should be given credit for his coordination and balance while his eyes are closed. Pretty impressive.
  • Oh my, this soundtrack is absolutely terrible.
  • Removal of a spare head seems to be simple outpatient surgery.

Quotable Quotes:

“Hey doc, is this going to hurt?”

“Cut down the dosage of Barbital to the black head.”

“You soul brother, you got a car?”

“I’ve committed political suicide and you say, “It’s not as bad as it sounds.”

“Jack, you get into more shit.”

“What’s a matter baby, don’t dig soul food?” – “What do you got for dessert, watermelon?”

“Phillip, get me another body, please.”

The Final Word:

Two heads aren’t always better than one, especially in this case. However, the interaction and constant bickering between the two heads is quite enjoyable to watch. Rosie Grier wasn’t the best actor, but you could tell that he was at least having fun with the role he was given despite having a grumpy old white guy strapped to his back at various times throughout the movie. He’s by far not great,  but has a bit of charm and although being a convicted felon on the run from the police, one almost considers him the hero that has had this horrible tragedy thrust upon him. Ray Milland plays the bigoted old doctor well and actually had some of the funnier lines in the film. The two actors play really well off of one another. The filmmakers carefully walk the line making the underlying theme of racism stand out without making it do so offensively. The special effects aren’t the greatest and are quite cheesy. Throughout the film, the “monster” switches from a person with an obviously fake head bobbing on it’s shoulder, to two men forced together by what must have been a very uncomfortable contraption. The transplant scene itself is quite laughable too. By far the best scene in the film however, is the police chase through the countryside while on a motorcycle. The dim-wittedness and stupidity of the police force reminded me of a whole squadron of Rosco P. Coltrane type of officers. Their driving skills left a little to be desired. The dinner scene with Moss and his girlfriend is quite humorous as well. While the plot is obviously contrived and doesn’t live up to it’s full potential, the actors themselves are enough to make up for it. While, this corniness is not for everyone, it is rather entertaining and is definitely worth at least one viewing. Based on the entertainment value alone, and despite the cheese factor, I am giving this film four out of five turds.

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Introducing: Roller Boogie (1979)

It’s been a couple of long, busy weeks. So busy in fact that I haven’t had a chance to sit back and relax and watch a movie. Next up on my streaming queue was a nostalgic film categorized as a musical called, Roller Boogie. OH boy was I in for something interesting. Let me say first that while I was a wee little one during this time of roller skating and disco, I find it hard to believe that the roller skating fad was this big. Let alone have  104 minutes dedicated to the “sport”. So hang on, I’ve taken notes and highlighted all the important details so that you can watch it on fast forward mode. You’ll thank me for it, and you can use the extra time saved to choreograph a beautiful skating routine as a tribute to this film.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Mark Lester

Starring: Linda Blair, Jim Bray, Beverly Garland, James Van Patten

Rated: PG

Tagline: It’s Love on Wheels!      (And crap on film!)

Number of Choreographed Musical Skate Numbers: 7

Skating  extraordinaire and *chuckle* Olympic hopeful *chuckle*, Bobby James leads a group of friends up and down the Venice Beach boardwalk showing off their rollerskating skills. And then, there’s Terry, and she is the typical teenager who thinks her parents just don’t understand her and won’t pay attention to her. The only thing that she loves to do is skate. So she runs away to prove her point. Terry is a musical prodigy who has been accepted into a prestiges arts school. She meets up with Bobby, plays hard to get, and then whores herself out to him all in a couple of days. She “hires” Bobby to teach her how to dance on skates in hopes that they can enter a Roller Boogie contest hosted by their favorite skating rink. During their practice together, they overhear an evil scheme from a ruthless developer to close and burn down the rink to build a mall.

What you Would Miss:

  • Opening “dance/skate” number – Hell on Wheels. Was California that culturally diverse in the 70’s?
  • You should know better than to make out with your girl with your skates on.
  • Now that’s an outfit that would make Rainbow Bright jealous!
  • What happened to the rest of Phones’ shorts? One skate trick and he’s liable to fall out of his britches.
  • Apparently no one is allowed on Venice Beach without a pair of skates.
  • Hey those guys must have stolen my yellow shorts from middle school gym class.
  • Did the skating rinks really look like the late 70’s? Since when did walking on your hands become a skating skill? Who knew the couple skate ended up as an orgy on wheels.
  • Since when is roller skating an Olympic sport?
  • Ahhh…cassette tapes, anyone remember those? And oh my god, did I just see a record!
  • Linda Blair is a fast mover, and not just on her skates.
  • Nice car phone.
  • Perhaps she shouldn’t have had that big breakfast. Get her up there Bobby, you’ve been hitting the weights!
  • So when did the Jackson 5 break up and start skating?
  • Oh that Terry and her faulty wheel. Always something to smile and laugh about. Nevermind the thirty skater pileup she caused as a result.
  • Heavies at a roller rink, and they mean business. Take the money and run, take the money!
  • Plaid suit jacket and polka dotted button up shirt. Now that’s fashion!
  • Ladies, if you’re wearing a white dress, you must jump into the pool. I think I just saw some granny panties.
  • How nice to give Jammer a private one man show. One might wonder what Bobby wants out of the deal, but I think his bedazzled shirt says it all.
  • Hey Bobby, Mork from Ork called and wants his pair of suspenders back.
  • What? Can bad guys not see two kids with bright red helmets on their heads hanging onto their vehicle behind them? Perfect spot for some really bad dubbing.
  • Nice to see the policeman from the Village People get some work.
  • Hot Damn, let the Roller Boogie contest begin!
  • The most interesting Picture in a Picture effect I’ve probably ever seen. Full screen action with hot dog shaped video inlays.
  • Reminds me of Saturday Night Fever on wheels.
  • Linda Blair’s outfit contest outfit looks like she dropped a bowl of spaghetti noodles in her lap.
  • I have a felling that the judges panel might be more than a little bit biased.
  • Cue bad acting for ending…and scene!

Quotable Quotes:

“Roller Skating? Seriously. Next thing you’ll have me surfing or some such horrendous thing.”

“Franklin! I swear, you have more hands than a poker game.”

“Keep the change, Bobby James.”

“I’ll be back when I get here.”

“I just wanted someone to hold me, was that too much to ask for?”

“I was being a real bitch and you were handy.”

“You just tip Mr. John, or whoever’s doing you, and come home.”

“How are you doing there, Twin Peaks. Are you ready for some mountain climbing?”

Ugh…cheesy, corny, stupid, and I could list more, but it would be like roller skating in circles. The acting was bad but the material that they were given to work with wasn’t much either. Thank god that gone are the days of really high and tight shorts and suspenders on shirtless guys. I really don’t mind if the girls continued to wear those outfits that their chests were about to burst out of, but oh that hair…Yikes. And oh this film. I wasn’t expecting much to begin with and it sure didn’t fail to live up to those standards. The plot was very much contrived and left a lot to be desired. In fact, didn’t we see a similar storyline years later without the skates called, Breakin’ 2: American Bugaloo? And yes, it was equally as awful. Despite the spinning, triple lutzing, break dancing, hand jiving, and pornographic poses on skates, this movie drops and rolls over 4 turds on the skating rink floor. Probably had a niche back in the day, but obviously does not hold up well.

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Introducing: Mutant Hunt (1987)

The promise of mutants in a film’s title is always something to behold. The prospect of hunting them makes it even more interesting. I was anticipating my viewing of the film, Mutant Hunt. Well, don’t judge a film by it’s title, because that’s seventy-five minutes of my life I won’t get back, and the images I was left with are liable to haunt me forever. Just in case you don’t have time to watch this sci-fi masterpiece, I’ll provide you with the key points of the film so that you can instead go out and practice up on some lame karate kicks and fighting skills.

Streaming: Netflix

Directed by: Tim Kincaid

Starring: Rick Gianasi, Mary Fahey, Ron Renaldi, Taunie Vrenon, Stormy Spill (not even kidding)

Tagline: Man has created his ultimate enemy.

Rated: Not Rated

Missed Kick/Punch Count:  25 or possibly more

An evil henchmen who apparently earned a GED from the Academy of Evil Villains unleashes his horde of robots on New York City hopped up on their drug of choice, euphorium (or something like that) and kidnaps the scientist who had a hand in creating them. The scientist’s sister escapes capture and vows to rescue her brother by rooting out martial-arts expert (apparently self-proclaimed) and acclaimed mutant hunter, Matt Riker. Along the way, Domina, another villain and apparent Academy lab partner of Z, get jealous that Z is using all the euphorium and begins to create her own specimen. Riker enlists the help of his fellow trained monster killers, Felix and Elaine, who combined with their vast arsenal of martial arts kicks and missed punches, battle the deadly and blood-thirsty Z, Domina, and their troop of killing machines.

What you would be missing:

  • Two opposing villains, this could get interesting.
  • Give a robot a dose of euphorium and they become a sex machine, but then have to kill every six hours. The robot’s version of Viagra.
  • Something disturbing about seeing a man “fight” in his tightie whities…gross. Get some clothes on dude. My god, I’m hoping thats a chihuahua he’s smuggling in his shorts.
  • That is one sparsely furnished apartment unless you count the weapons hung on the walls and laying on bedside desktops. Arrows, samurai swords, shotgun, some strange laser thing, etc.
  • Don’t mind the hooker robot who was just thrown out the window in a pile of “blood” and egg yolk. Either that or Ryker had just given her a fill up.
  • Fight scenes that look like two eight-year old kids choreographed them and were very careful not to make any actual contact with each other. Complete with random kick and punch “slapping” sounds thrown in, you’d think the eight year old created the sound effects for the scenes as well with their mouths.
  • Um…hey cyborg…if your handcuffed to a pipe and plan on cutting your hand off, you might want to cut on the other side of the clasp. – Oh well, guess I was the fool, continuity in movies is overrated anyway…especially this one.
  • Quite the classy strip club. The dancer may want to invest in some moth balls for her closet, that outfit is full of holes.
  • Two long-haired tough guy brothers charge the stage and get their asses kicked – too bad none of her kicks landed. This of course was after one had his arm around the other seductively whispering in his ear.
  • Where can I get myself one of those kick ass watches and hyper running shoes.
  • Mr. Speedy Shoes is the keeper of the gadgets – Riker’s own Agent Q.
  • Human Life Termination – In Progress – Pop goes a head
  • A bomb implanted at the base of the skull. And without any anesthesia. This guy is as tough as nails.
  • Holy cow, if the quality of acting was any indication, it would be tough to find someone who wasn’t a cyborg.
  • Oh my, someone needs to teach this villainess how to properly tie a hostage up in chains.
  • Uh oh , look out it’s the two tough brothers. I’m sure they will get the job done. Nevermind.
  • Oh, I don’t know, perhaps a bad soundtrack choice maybe?
  • Probably the best special effects of the movie are with the half-faced robot.
  • I wonder if these guys did all their own stunts, the jump from the top of the bus was quite dangerous and graceful at the same time.
  • The fight sequences just keep getting better and better as the movie progresses. I think I’ve seen more realistic fighting at the local Renaissance Festival. Lightning Bolt-Lightning Bolt-Lightning Bolt!
  • Oompa Loompa doopety do – we all wear white and move boxes for you.
  • I’m getting the feeling that Z was an Evil Genius school dropout.
  • Hey Mexican Cheetah guy, why don’t you just stand there while your partners are getting beat up by these horny, blood-thirsty cyborgs.
  • And mysteriously there is blood on Z. Is he a professional wrestler by trade, I think he bladed!
  • The action in this film is fast paced and furious, it just looks like everyone is in slow motion.
  • Even the little girl in this movie has trouble keeping her clothes on properly. Looks like job security for the owners of Club Inferno.
  • And the heroes walk toward the camera in dramatic fashion to end the movie. What no explosion in the background?

Academy Award winning Dialogue:

“…ever since the space shuttle sex murders two years ago”

“I hate it when men save me.”

“Thank you Doe-mean-a.”

“I’ve just finished implanting a micro explosive device at the base of your skull.”

“You sorry collection of useless filaments.”

“Watch out, his hand, don’t let him use his hand!”

I must say that this film was made by a former gay-porn director and god am I thankful that this was the film of his I watched. This film was BAD, BAD, BAD on many levels, but I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard at a movie that tries to take itself seriously. I seriously had to stop the movie on a couple of occasions because I was laughing so loud. The cheesy acting, the lamer than lame fight scenes, the inconsistencies in the film’s plot and from scene to scene, the unforgivable dialogue, oh…I could go on and on. As far as movie quality goes, this film deserves a 5 turd rating, but because of the sheer fact that it was what I can only describe as… an entertaining kind of terrible, I’ll give it 4 turds instead.

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Introducing: Mac and Me (1988)

It seems that I have been in the mood lately to rewatch movies that I grew up with. So upon browsing through the greatness that is Netflix Instant Stream, I find this little gem. If anyone is interested in watching a 99 minute commercial that seems mysteriously like the movie E.T., then Mac and Me is the movie for you. Or if you’d rather spend that hour and a half working on a dance routine for your next McDonalds birthday party, I’m providing you with only the important highlights of the film. Call it the Clif-Notes for Mac and Me.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Stewart Raffill

Starring: Jade Calegory, Jonathan Ward, Christine Ebersole

Tagline: Out of this World and in to your Heart

Rated: PG

Blatant Product Placement: 8 (give or take several)

A family of aliens are accidentally sucked up from their unknown planet by an US Spacecraft and brought back to Earth. Once returning to Earth, nosy scientists and government officials let the aliens escape from the craft and they are immediately separated from the youngest member of the family, Mac. Mac, which stands for “Mysterious Alien Creature” and ironically is never really mentioned in the movie, but nevertheless finds himself stowing away in a Volkswagen van on its way to California. The van is occupied by a young wheelchair bound boy named Eric and his family consisting of brother and mother. Eric befriends Mac after a number of antics from the young alien that get the boy in trouble and together they go on an adventure to find Mac’s lost family.

Would you would be Missing:

  • Probably the ugliest looking alien you have ever seen.
  • Even the alien husband is getting bitched out by the wife. Males can’t buy a break, even in space. And why does the dad alien look like Dick Van Patten?
  • Man those NASA spacecrafts sure do have some great vacuum suction, just ask that family of aliens. I wonder if it’s a Dyson?
  • The spacecraft is giving birth!
  • Would someone please get those aliens some clothes? Those bodies are disturbing!
  • Alien baby is free! Oops damn, electrical fences…oops, damn cars…damn windshields…SPLAT!!
  • Have you ever wondered what an alien would look like flattened up against your windshield? True laugh out loud moment!
  • Great, move to a new neighborhood and the first person you’re greeted with is a nature-loving hippie.
  • Aliens don’t make for a good doorstop.
  • Snorks!!
  • Blatant product placement: Skittles, Otter Pops, United Van Lines
  • Wow congrats to the boy’s stunt double! That was quite a fall. Only a dummy would do that.
  • An alien’s version of Extreme Home Makeover
  • Blatant product placement: McDonald’s, Coca~Cola, Valvoline
  • If Pat Morita and Mini-Me ever crossed their DNA, they would get this baby alien.
  • The stunt dummy makes an appearance again, this time on the back of a vacuum.
  • Who knew that aliens could read?
  • Alright, who’s going to get the kid in he wheelchair back up that large hill?
  • Very smart, no one will ever notice the moving and sputtering teddy bear with the blinking eyes. Nice disguise.
  • Blatant product placement: McDonald’s – complete with a birthday party. I’m sorry, but I’m pretty sure McDonald’s birthday parties don’t all break out into badly choreographed dance numbers. – I’ll forget that I just saw uniformed football players dancing – Oh hell no…we now have a dancing “teddy”.
  • Good lord, how long do those shriveled up arms stretch anyway and since when did Mac earn the power of flight?
  • This movie has to have a record number of near miss car wrecks and run overs.
  • Blatant Product Placement: Sears
  • Ahhh…now I get it! Valvoline oil advertisement, horses, daisies to represent windmills…it’s all coming together! Whatever, who the hell am I kidding?
  • How convenient that the tracks leading into the mine are just right for a wheelchair to travel on.
  • There is a lot of sucking things in this movie: spacecraft sucking up family…alien sucking soda through a straw…alien being sucked up by vacuum…aliens sucking in air through their “O’ faced mouth…this movie in general…yep a lot of sucking.
  • And you thought the peopleofwalmart.com site had some interesting characters. Nice to see that aliens can get some shopping done at the grocery store.
  • Mac seems to have some problems staying a consistent size throughout the movie. What was once a giant dancing bear is once again a small baby alien.
  • Damn that stunt dummy had gotten a lot of work in this film and I would argue probably some of the best acting as well.
  • Alien bad touch! Alien bad touch! Where’s Happy Bear when you need him?
  • Sure, the aliens bring the boy back to life. The least that they could do would be to allow him to walk too.
  • Damn, is it really that easy for aliens to become citizens of the United States? Okay so, I wished the aliens would have put clothes on – well I apologize, they look even creepier with them.
  • And with the last scene of the movie, a dumb movie just got really, really stupid – There was a reason why E.T. was sent back home.
  • We’ll be back?
  • Ronald McDonald as himself in the credits.

Quotable Quotes:

“Do you think it was a drunk?” – “It was probably an ADUI.” – “What’s that?” – “An Alien Driving Under the Influence”

“Your mother tells me that you’ve been seeing some…things”

“Those kids…those kids just ran off with a…” – “…creature from outer space?”

“Just keep him dancing and they’ll just think it’s a teddy”

“That’s right, that’s right. Be the mommy, be the mommy.”

Don’t think for one second that I would let anyone get away without seeing this dance number fit for any youngster’s birthday party.

Based on the fact that I was duped as a youngster to want to see this movie because of the resemblance to one of my most beloved film, E.T., growing up, this film is unforgivable. I wish there was more substance to Mac and Me because I really wanted to like it and hoped that I would have a film I could be proud to say I watched several times growing up. But, yet again, I was denied

And because of that, I am giving this movie 4 out of a 5 possible turds. You stink Mac; you have nothing on E.T.

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Dark Tower (1989)

After a long week of work, is anyone interested in watching a movie that centers on a haunted office building with flying tools and some god awful editing shots? Well, lucky for you, I watched it so that you can spend your weekend playing catch the window washer with the family.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Freddie Francis, Ken Wiederhorn

Starring: Michael Moriarty, Jenny Agutter, Kevin McCarthy

Rated: R

Tagline: In a city that never sleeps… this building is a nightmare.

Ambitious, workaholic, business woman, and architect, Carolyn Page, spends many hours in her soon to be completed skyscraper of her own design in Barcelona. When strange events begin to happen, such as the mysterious death of a window washer and the unexplained demise of a security guard (unexplained is not a stretch either), she begins to wonder what is causing the mysterious events. To the rescue comes a detective who has a sixth sense who thinks that a ghost may be the culprit.

What you would be missing:

  • That window washer just can’t get that one spot clean, he’s been washing it for two minutes now.
  • An executive who needs to learn how to catch a little better. It was a dummy falling 29 stories for god sakes.
  • A leading lady who looks like a cross between Lily Tomlin and one of the Terror Dogs from Ghostbusters. “I am Zuul.” Please tell me that if there are boobs in this movie, they are not hers.
  • Somehow somebody dies in an elevator. I watched the damn scene three times and I still have no clue.
  • Again with the elevator?
  • Exec with a gun, that’s never good.
  • Strange guy in the lobby and really bad special effect disappearance. So bad in fact, the scenery in the background freezes after disappearing.
  • My, have our computers come a long way. How did those green characters on a black screen not fry people’s eyeballs out?
  • Did he just rub his junk up against her arm?
  • Alright, enough of the damn elevator!!
  • Moriarty talks with a slur without having to drink that alcohol. It’s painful to listen to him talk.
  • Holy cow, Ms. Agutter’s hair is a constantly changing rat’s nest.
  • That computer must have quite an extensive database and knows everything about everybody. Did it just say that Dr. Gold took a dump three times on Saturday?
  • Oh boy, a clairvoyant detective, this plot just got a lot more…stupid.
  • What a lovely apartment. Turquoise walls, flowery furniture, a huge 10″ box TV, and just the perfect music to put a horny lady in the mood. Or was that part of the soundtrack, lord I hope not.
  • Watch out for the flying metal bars.
  • So, at what point do people start taking the stairs instead of these elevators?
  • Wonderful film editing in between filling glass one and glass two.
  • Great, I have to rewind 10 minutes, I must have dozed off.
  • Don’t you hate it when a mysterious wind blows through your office and ruins everything.
  • Special effect film skip number three.
  • Either Netflix is having some hiccups or this is some REALLLLY bad film quality.
  • Ten minutes of three guys walking aimlessly around an unfinished building.
  • This movie has got to have more dialogue with a character talking to themselves rather than to another character in movie history. I don’t think Tom Hanks talked to himself this much in Castaway.
  • That screwdriver went perfectly right into that pre-cut hole in the crazy doctor’s pant leg. Good aim ghosty, good aim.
  • That Caroline is sure a strong woman to push poor hopeless men all over the place. Must just be a coincidence that those live wires were just hanging loosely on the construction site.
  • Pretty impressive looking monster – doesn’t make the film any better however.
  • Okay, so apparently taking the stairs isn’t much better.
  • And it all ends inside a paper mache wall.
  • Soundtrack music at the end that is creepy than the whole movie. Sounds like one of those $2.00 music CDs of scary music you’d buy at Halloween time.

Can’t miss Dialogue:

“Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action.”

“Finding eternal rest and all that bulls**t. If you ask me, that’ll be too good for the pr**k”

This movie is nothing special to say the least. Despite the casting of Michael Moriarty, even his “acting chops” could not save this dismal film. It was only 91 minutes, but seemed to drown on for 191 minutes instead. The film was cursed with several bits of very bad editing, even the cool looking monster at the end was not enough to save it. This movie just fails.

I am giving the movie 4 out of 5 turds, some especially smelly ones too.

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Class of Nuke ‘Em High (1986)

You just got home and you are tired from a long day of work. You want to just sit back, relax, and watch a toxic spill horror flick that wrecks havoc on a high school building and the students inside it. Well, if you find one that is any good, please let me know, because the one that I had to sit and suffer through was itself a nuclear meltdown.

So that you don’t have to spend 85 minutes of your down time at the end of the day,  instead use it to draw on your face and place crochet hoops through your nose, I watched this film for you.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Richard W. Haines and Samuel Weil

Starring: Jamelle Brady, Gilbert Brenton, Robert Prichard

Tagline:  It rotted their bodies. It corrupted their minds. And thats’s the good news.

Tromaville is home to not only a nuclear power plant whose safety inspections have been non-existent, but a high school full of unruly and downright stupid juvenile delinquents right next door to it. When the power plant has an accident that goes ignored, some chemicals begin to seep, gurgle, and bubble their way onto the school grounds. When the school nerd drinks toxic water from the water fountain and then plunges to his death out of a window, do people start to notice that weird things are beginning to happen. Not only have the Honor Society students turned into a gang of body painting and piercing thugs with no conscience (known as the Cretins), but the student’s hormones have gone into supreme overdrive – or perhaps that’s just teenagers in general. The story centers around do-gooders Chrissy and Warren, a couple who wish to remain celibate so as not to pressure the other. Until…they are forced to take a hit from a joint made of radioactive marijuana bought from the Cretins. Then all hell breaks loose. In their “atomic high”, their inhibitions go out the door and have a lustful two minutes together and then have horrendous hallucinations that night. Chrissy ends up pregnant and coughs up a creature into the toilet which makes it’s way down the school’s septic system, conveniently into a vat of dripping ooze which helps it grow to full strength. When The Cretins stage a take over of the high school, it’s Warren’s job to save Chrissy who has been kidnapped by them for no apparent reason. It’s then the mutants job to do a little housekeeping of it’s own and disposes of the band of punks in various and gory ways.

What you would have seen:

  • A Troma Team Release – that means it’s going to suck.
  • Chemical waste. Why does everything start with chemical wastes?
  • We’re part of the nuclear generation. Have a nice day!
  • Tromaville High School – Probably the most diverse student body on planet Earth
  • It’s going to be a long day when the nerd goes bat shit crazy. The stunt man was obviously more muscular than the nerd.
  • Nuke ‘Em High theme song and Nightmare music by Biohazard
  • Hoops in the nose, spike on the head, boobs on a boy, my the yuppies were much different than when I went to school.
  • I’m guessing that one side effect of the nuclear plant is that no one ever graduates from high school. It’s student body looks to have an average age of about 26.
  • Uranium lunchboxes for plant workers, how cute.
  • Atomic high, that marijuana is definitely laced with something.
  • Every fraternity house looks like a disco club on the inside right?
  • Boobs!
  • Pass around the radioactive joint – Somone’s getting lucky at this party
  • Uh oh, looks like someone took too many of those little blue pills before going to bed. Call a doctor if that lasts longer than four hours.
  • Nice minature model
  • German teacher got just a bit wild with her eyeliner.
  • Don’t make me angry, you won’t like me when I’m angry. That’ll teach you to try and punch a radioactive mutant.
  • Note to self, don’t eat the worm from the tequila. I think she just barfed a tadpole with a face.
  • Urine sample right to the eyes.
  • Radioactive isotope samples in a high school chem lab?
  • Who says women can’t pee standing up?
  • Swirly!!
  • Seriously, what is growing out of that guy’s face?
  • Never a wise idea to stick your hand into a bubbling vat of green goo. But your whole head? Come on…
  • Popeye’s Chicken, Blimpie Subs, 3M Office Supplies – gratuitous product placement
  • I have never wanted a character to be gone so much in a movie as Mr. Ring in the Nose.
  • For God’s sake, did every 80’s movie have a montage?
  • That’s a face only a mother could love. A cross between the Predator and a porcupine. Somebody get that thing a Kleenex.
  • Whoa pretty colors. Starting to think I’m the one who took the hit from the atomic joint.
  • The chem teacher was right, those radioactive isotopes will blow up the whole school. – Nice stock footage of some random building falling down thrown in.

Academy Award Caliber Dialogue:

“I don’t give a wet fart what you think, this plant stays open!”

“Make like a hockey stick and get the puck outta here.”

“You ever seen a cockroach and go, ‘Yuck’? Well, you’re the kind of guy that can make the cockroach go ‘Yuck’.”

“My back teeth are floating, I gotta take a leak.”

The only redeeming quality that this movie had was the fact that the most annoying character was disposed of albeit not soon enough for me. I will say that the last half of the movie was better than the way too slow first half but that’s like saying, “After puking four times, the extreme case of diarrhea I had after wasn’t all that bad.” And it’s because of this that I give Class of Nuke ‘Em High 4 turds out of 5 however runny they may be.

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