Tag Archives: alien

Introducing: The Falling (1987)

The Falling posterSpaceships crashing from space inhabited by aliens who escape and feed off of the beings on Earth! Yes please! Sounds like a fun premise for a science fiction flick. At least those were my initial thoughts, before actually seeing this movie. I wasn’t expecting anything great, and I was not disappointed or lead astray. Your best bet as you load up this sci-fi/horror movie would be to refer to the notes below, as I’ve hit on the most important parts of that you won’t want to miss.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Deran Serafian

Starring: Dennis Christopher, Lynn-Holly Johnson, J.O. Bosso (curious as to what the J.O. might stand for)

Rated: R

Tagline: Mankind’s Deadliest Threat has come from the Skies.

Number of Hamburger heads: 5 plus a cow

Synopsis: When U.S. “Skylab” comes crashing down from outer space and in doing so released alien microbes in the air and into the community of Durade, Spain. Three American teenagers who are looking for a fun trip find themselves stuck in Durade when their RV breaks down and they are left to find parts for repairs. While in town, they begin to notice peculiar behaviors from the local citizens and upon meeting a NASA scientist find out the truth about the Skylab crash. The three young people and the scientist search for the antidote to keep everyone from dying from the alien creatures who are feeding and incubating inside them.

Things you’ll want to make sure you don’t miss:

  • Beware of the roaming cows
  • Mmmmm…yum. Nothing like a buffet of disemboweled cow for dinner.
  • Why do women always hit? Stupid girl – but really nice 80’s sweat suit.
  • Well now, that’s’ one hell of a place to stop and make camp for the night
  • American actors with some really bad Spanish accents. Sounded more like Borat.
  • Never ever catch us up dune buggy. I feel like a king in my dune buggy.
  • A little old to be playing imaginary shoot ’em up if you ask me.
  • As if it wasn’t bad enough that the officers face was sliding off of his skull, you had to go and pop it like a big zit, nice work Doc.
  • Must be some really hot rough sex in the kitchen, made the waitresses hair stand on end.
  • Ahhh…remember when phones had rotary dials? And my what a lovely shade of green.
  • Angry acting from the floozy…and scene.
  • What’s with the guy in the mask? And how did she get away from him without getting squashed as well. Those old editing tricks.
  • Vehicle problems, these movies always happen because of vehicle problems.
  • Hello there Hamburger Face.
  • So where did that damn doll come from? And are those chicken legs attached? Supernatural vibes?
  • Michael must be really good at those Need for Speed games. Look at those driving skills. Must be why he’s “Hollywood’s #1 driver.
  • Oh come on Michael, how can you be scared at a beam of light in your face? Especially since you’re the one holding it, idiot.
  • Who would have guessed that 60 seconds would have lasted so long.
  • Hooray for stock footage.
  • Super exciting car chase soundtrack, complete with synth beat and horn section.
  • Michael must have some pretty powerful cologne on, everyone wants to hug him.
  • Dr. Tracer makes for a good road bump.
  • Gas station attendant gets an unwanted alien facial.
  • So that’s what the alien looks like? Finally! A giant spider with teeth.

Oscar worthy dialogue:

“I couldn’t bare the thought of leaving a hurt dog in the middle of the highway.”

“Golly gee whiz and check it out dudes, Brooklyn Dodgers, and all that stuff…”

“Did you two know that one out of every eight people are infected with Elmer Fudd disease.”

“Ow, you know we’re parked in a red zone!”

The Final Word:

This movie is not good, not good at all. The acting was pretty cheesy as it is with the typical 80’s horror flick. The film did feature some surprisingly gruesome gore and blood. The plot was pretty lame and stupid. This movie also goes by a few other titles which made it hard to find. The film is most commonly known as Alien Predator or Mutant 2.

While watching, I found that it was difficult for me to understand what exactly the real threat was. Was it the alien, was it the weird citizens, the vehicles that ran people over, was it a supernatural entity that would make things appear, disappear, and move. I never really understood what the true threat was. By the end of the movie, the alien takes center stage. It only took 85 minutes to show itself in the 90 minute film. Starting from the beginning with some Psycho horror movie style music to a  jazzy synth mix during a car chase, the soundtrack is bad. The acting was nothing to write home about while at the same time not terrible. Damon’s character was probably the best acted while the role of Sam was rather annoying, although there was something hot about watching her run through the streets in tight jeans and boots. All in all, this movie earns itself 3.5 turds out five.

Alien Predators Faceburster 1

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Introducing: Mac and Me (1988)

It seems that I have been in the mood lately to rewatch movies that I grew up with. So upon browsing through the greatness that is Netflix Instant Stream, I find this little gem. If anyone is interested in watching a 99 minute commercial that seems mysteriously like the movie E.T., then Mac and Me is the movie for you. Or if you’d rather spend that hour and a half working on a dance routine for your next McDonalds birthday party, I’m providing you with only the important highlights of the film. Call it the Clif-Notes for Mac and Me.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Stewart Raffill

Starring: Jade Calegory, Jonathan Ward, Christine Ebersole

Tagline: Out of this World and in to your Heart

Rated: PG

Blatant Product Placement: 8 (give or take several)

A family of aliens are accidentally sucked up from their unknown planet by an US Spacecraft and brought back to Earth. Once returning to Earth, nosy scientists and government officials let the aliens escape from the craft and they are immediately separated from the youngest member of the family, Mac. Mac, which stands for “Mysterious Alien Creature” and ironically is never really mentioned in the movie, but nevertheless finds himself stowing away in a Volkswagen van on its way to California. The van is occupied by a young wheelchair bound boy named Eric and his family consisting of brother and mother. Eric befriends Mac after a number of antics from the young alien that get the boy in trouble and together they go on an adventure to find Mac’s lost family.

Would you would be Missing:

  • Probably the ugliest looking alien you have ever seen.
  • Even the alien husband is getting bitched out by the wife. Males can’t buy a break, even in space. And why does the dad alien look like Dick Van Patten?
  • Man those NASA spacecrafts sure do have some great vacuum suction, just ask that family of aliens. I wonder if it’s a Dyson?
  • The spacecraft is giving birth!
  • Would someone please get those aliens some clothes? Those bodies are disturbing!
  • Alien baby is free! Oops damn, electrical fences…oops, damn cars…damn windshields…SPLAT!!
  • Have you ever wondered what an alien would look like flattened up against your windshield? True laugh out loud moment!
  • Great, move to a new neighborhood and the first person you’re greeted with is a nature-loving hippie.
  • Aliens don’t make for a good doorstop.
  • Snorks!!
  • Blatant product placement: Skittles, Otter Pops, United Van Lines
  • Wow congrats to the boy’s stunt double! That was quite a fall. Only a dummy would do that.
  • An alien’s version of Extreme Home Makeover
  • Blatant product placement: McDonald’s, Coca~Cola, Valvoline
  • If Pat Morita and Mini-Me ever crossed their DNA, they would get this baby alien.
  • The stunt dummy makes an appearance again, this time on the back of a vacuum.
  • Who knew that aliens could read?
  • Alright, who’s going to get the kid in he wheelchair back up that large hill?
  • Very smart, no one will ever notice the moving and sputtering teddy bear with the blinking eyes. Nice disguise.
  • Blatant product placement: McDonald’s – complete with a birthday party. I’m sorry, but I’m pretty sure McDonald’s birthday parties don’t all break out into badly choreographed dance numbers. – I’ll forget that I just saw uniformed football players dancing – Oh hell no…we now have a dancing “teddy”.
  • Good lord, how long do those shriveled up arms stretch anyway and since when did Mac earn the power of flight?
  • This movie has to have a record number of near miss car wrecks and run overs.
  • Blatant Product Placement: Sears
  • Ahhh…now I get it! Valvoline oil advertisement, horses, daisies to represent windmills…it’s all coming together! Whatever, who the hell am I kidding?
  • How convenient that the tracks leading into the mine are just right for a wheelchair to travel on.
  • There is a lot of sucking things in this movie: spacecraft sucking up family…alien sucking soda through a straw…alien being sucked up by vacuum…aliens sucking in air through their “O’ faced mouth…this movie in general…yep a lot of sucking.
  • And you thought the peopleofwalmart.com site had some interesting characters. Nice to see that aliens can get some shopping done at the grocery store.
  • Mac seems to have some problems staying a consistent size throughout the movie. What was once a giant dancing bear is once again a small baby alien.
  • Damn that stunt dummy had gotten a lot of work in this film and I would argue probably some of the best acting as well.
  • Alien bad touch! Alien bad touch! Where’s Happy Bear when you need him?
  • Sure, the aliens bring the boy back to life. The least that they could do would be to allow him to walk too.
  • Damn, is it really that easy for aliens to become citizens of the United States? Okay so, I wished the aliens would have put clothes on – well I apologize, they look even creepier with them.
  • And with the last scene of the movie, a dumb movie just got really, really stupid – There was a reason why E.T. was sent back home.
  • We’ll be back?
  • Ronald McDonald as himself in the credits.

Quotable Quotes:

“Do you think it was a drunk?” – “It was probably an ADUI.” – “What’s that?” – “An Alien Driving Under the Influence”

“Your mother tells me that you’ve been seeing some…things”

“Those kids…those kids just ran off with a…” – “…creature from outer space?”

“Just keep him dancing and they’ll just think it’s a teddy”

“That’s right, that’s right. Be the mommy, be the mommy.”

Don’t think for one second that I would let anyone get away without seeing this dance number fit for any youngster’s birthday party.

Based on the fact that I was duped as a youngster to want to see this movie because of the resemblance to one of my most beloved film, E.T., growing up, this film is unforgivable. I wish there was more substance to Mac and Me because I really wanted to like it and hoped that I would have a film I could be proud to say I watched several times growing up. But, yet again, I was denied

And because of that, I am giving this movie 4 out of a 5 possible turds. You stink Mac; you have nothing on E.T.

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Hangar 18 (1980)

Anyone up for a sci-fi adventure that features a government cover up of alien proportions and a pair of heroes who can go on a killing spree and string of thefts and not taken into custody? No? Well be lucky that I watched this one for you so that you can spend the 95 minutes instead doing something much more enjoyable like picking up poop in the backyard before mowing.

Streamed by: Netflix

Directed by: James Conway

Starring: Gary Collins, Robert Vaughn, Darren McGavin

Tagline: Why won’t they tell us?

After launching a satellite into space and watching it explode in front of their eyes, astronauts Steve Bancroft and Lew Price are blamed for the explosion and the death of their fellow crew mate. However, the crash happened as a result of colliding with an alien spacecraft which then crashes on Earth in the Arizona desert.  Darren McGavin leads a team of NASA scientists given the task of investigating the crashed spacecraft which is found to contain three dead alien life forms. Through research and old manuscripts the scientists believe that these aliens are from a race of ancient astronauts thought to have visited Earth long ago and are responsible for the creation of all mankind. A government cover-up due to an impending election and two astronauts traveling through Arizona and Texas to clear their name give you the premise of Hangar 18.

What you would have seen:

  • And to think, that head is still floating through space somewhere in the universe.
  • I’m thinking that the filmmakers should have done a little more research about how the Space Shuttle traveled through space, however I wonder if one of their kids will be missing their Space Shuttle toy? Upon further investigation, I feel that I must somewhat take back this statement because the Space Shuttle had not yet launched at the time of the film.
  • Hooray for stock video footage!
  • There is always an election in the way from getting to the truth.
  • Alright, who erased that blip?!
  • Apparently alien beings have been stealing our tin foil to line their walls and ceilings with and evidently alien spacecraft have more room in the inside than they look from the outside.
  • Quite an impressive set of hieroglyphics on the alien ship. I think I just saw Optimus Prime on that wall.
  • Hmmmm…I wonder what this button does. Oops, my bad! Is everyone alright?
  • Not a bad little car chase scene that ends in an impressive explosion.
  • Wouldn’t our two “heroes” be on the U.S. most wanted list after killing those two federal agents?
  • You mean to tell me that people actually did their research from books? Thank god for Google.
  • A bad pair of eyeglasses with octagon frames. Did they actually make those?
  • Glass that shatters before a bullet even reaches it.
  • Four guys run around an oil refinery shooting guns and absconding oil rigs and there are no workers willing to stop them?
  • I’ll bet that Gary Collins is really good at playing Grand Theft Auto.
  • Man, that toy airplane must have been packed with a ton of explosives!
  • A voiceover to end the movie with only the ship left unharmed? No resolution? Were they planning a sequel?

Award Winning Dialogue:

“Either we’re imagining this whole thing, or the blip of the UFO has been erased.”

“They sure didn’t get these equipment at Radio Shack.”

“We, mankind, the human race, are their children.”

Despite all of it’s faults and plot holes, this movie wasn’t on the surface as bad as I had anticipated. It wasn’t great by any means, but I’m betting this one is on the shelf of some sci-fi collectors as a classic. Won’t be on mine in a million years but hey, to each their own.

Since it did have some merit to it, albeit very little, this film only deserves two turds out of five.

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TerrorVision (1986)

Anyone in the mood for a comedic, sci-fi, horror flick that is apparently funded partly by Heineken beer? Nah, I wouldn’t be either, but I watched it so you wouldn’t have to waste 85 minutes of your life.

Streaming from: Netflix

Directed by:  Ted Nicolaou 

Starring: Diane Franklin, Gerrit Graham, Chad Allen

Taglines: People of Earth, your planet is about to be destroyed… We’re terribly sorry for the inconvenience.

The new satellite dish of the Putterman family has picked up some garbage from another galaxy that has been converted into energy and zapped among the planets. This intergalactic energy takes the form of an alien that looks like Jabba the Hutt had sex with Seymour the man eating plant. The only one of the Putterman’s that recognizes the danger of the alien is Sherman, the youngest member of the family, and goes to great lengths to warn them of the impending danger. Unfortunately, Sherman’s parents are too interested in swinging with another couple to take any notice. The alien materializes out of the television to chow down on members in and around the house. Sherman’s sister, Suzy, and her metal head boyfriend, O.D., try to domesticate the alien; but with any household animal, they tend to be very temperamental and the slightest thing will set them off.

What you would be missing:

  • One hell of a complicated remote control.
  • Soundtrack that includes it’s own theme song. A very bad theme song that is.
  • Grandpa’s room is a bomb shelter. Really? And speaking of Grandpa, why am I grossed out when he says that he’s “Just taking care of business?” Hmmmm…must be the gooey stuff dripping off his nose and chin.
  • Huge 80’s hairdo with a wild dye job
  • Impressive starry night (looks great on the sound stage wall)
  • Come on kid, just take your medicine. Everything will be okay. And put down that semi automatic machine gun.
  • For some reason, this film thinks that people have green blood that looks like anti-freeze.
  • Boobs! – and a lactating fountain.
  • Do I really want to know what appendage that third eye ball is attached to on the alien?
  • Oh my god, it talks too.
  • And it “regurgitates” the bodies of it’s victims so that it can use them as puppets to lure other yummy house members. I think I’m starting to like this alien being more and more as the movie progresses.
  • Lightning bolt transitions during  cut scenes
  • Dude, I should have counted the number of times, “Dude”, was said.

Award Winning dialogue:

“Hey Mr. P, I’m going to grab another Heinie.”

“Holy Tomatoes!”

“Cool? It’s a warm 98.6, kinda like swimming in your mother’s womb.”

“Remember kids, you do your thing; we’ll do ours.”

Something tells me that this movie is probably meant to be seen while smoking a joint and speed drinking a case of liquor, which would explain all the stupid attempts at stupid humor. Since I don’t smoke weed and I was all out of beer, I did have to suffer through this atrocious film, so you wouldn’t have to.

I would give this movie 4.5 turds out of 5! This movie ranks in at a whopping 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. Holy Tomatoes is right! Very bad movie, but I’m guessing there are worse out there.

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