Tag Archives: Fantasy

Introducing: DragonQuest (2009)

dragonquest-2009-coverNothing says “horrible movie” than a direct to DVD fantasy adventure. And The Asylum production company is never one to let us down. The latest film I watched was a hero’s quest to save the kingdom. And believe me when I tell you that the quest was a total waste of time for both film watchers and apparently script writers.  You will go on a difficult quest yourself by trying to  make it through this movie in one sitting without getting up to do something else or restart because you fell asleep, which trust me, is more difficult of a quest than that of the film’s hero. So to help you make it through the movie, I’ve provided you with some of the most important parts of the film.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Mark Atkins

Starring: Marc Singer (the f’n Beastmaster!), Daniel Bonjour, Jason Connery, Brian Thompson, Jennifer Dorogi

Rated: PG-13

Tagline: Our fate lies in the hands of one.

Rotten Tomato Score: 11%

Number of color changes to Arkadi’s shirt: 4

Plot: A young boy (mildly) is forced to be a hero and complete a series of quests to find the precious stones of virtue and piece together a medallion that will help him defeat a dragon conjured up by an evil ancient warlord.

Important things you won’t want to miss:

  • Impressive sweeping landscapes to open the movie
  • Squeezing the blood out of a necklace summons shadow dragons. Wait what?
  • Meanwhile at Hansel and Gretel’s cabin…
  • Typical teenager, smoking magic dust and perving on the neighbor girl.
  • Fire Dragons tend to be the most intimidating, except to teenagers.
  • CGI castle is home to many angry actors
  • Epic battle 300 style, with animated blood spatter and severed head. THIS IS SPARTA…no, it’s not, it’s crap.
  • Talking dragons makes old people commit suicide.
  • Don’t mess with scantily clad women wielding sticks and powerful legs.
  • In my day, Maxim was the name of a men’s magazine not a Beastmaster trying to talk like a pirate. Arrrrrr.
  • Marc Singer (Maxim) has quite the rubber face. Somebody give that guy some prunes, it seems as though he needs to take a poop.
  • Eight foot river monster lives in a creek that looks to be only 5 feet across. That’s one deep ass creek bed.
  • Safety Tips for Kids #1: You must control the urge to smoke a tin foil star covered blunt while in the belly of a beast.
  • The Keeper must be brave to put a jewel from the green sparkly belly of a river monster in their mouth. Gross.
  • I don’t suppose anyone could get that vendor a pair of finger nail clippers?  How does she wipe for God-sake?
  • Oh lovely, nothing like a chain breaking and sleeping bearded guy montage to make the movie drag on even more.
  • And the point of the large exoskeleton spider was what? Other than a reason to use some bad CGI effects? And wow, that has to be the most brightly lit cave I’ve ever seen.
  • Well, that’s one gem that I wouldn’t have gotten. It’s in the tub for me!
  • Seems like the jewels of the medallion are just laying all over the place and everyone has one.
  • Safety Tips for Kids #2: Never follow a Vulcan-like man into a tent by yourself. Nothing good will come of it.
  • Note the ease that Maxim the Knight takes out the most worthless group of minions ever.
  • Arkadi, I’d be frustrated to, I mean you’ve worked so hard to find the gem stones, considering most of them were just given to you.
  • Not only do Kirill’s minions attack one at a time, but they also use plastic swords to do it.
  • Light/Ice Dragon is like a fully grown Pokeman creature.
  • Five minutes of non-climatic plasma beam fight between hero and villain ends in forced facial expressions.

Dialogue:

“What’s in your pouch boy?” (That’s probably not something you should be asking a young boy.)

“He became blind to the greatest virtue of all, humility.”

“I didn’t ask for this. I don’t want it.”

“The bed’s not soft, but the latrine is convenient.” (So just shit anywhere you want, the writers seemed to.)

“The virtues in the stones, will match the virtues in the man. The power lies in you.”

THE FINAL WORD:

DragonQuest is not a good movie. There, I didn’t beat around the bush. Despite the awesome and gorgeous landscape shots that were seen throughout the film, they were not enough to save this movie from itself. The plot features one of the lamest quests ever seen in film. The hero had to do absolutely nothing to get the gems with the exception of one. It seems as though everyone has a gem to give out thus not making the hero go through hardly any danger to receive the gems to complete his quest. And come to find out, that he doesn’t even find the all the gems. The fight scenes were lacking of any type of creative choreography to consider this an action movie. The fights consisted of the same pattern every time and goes as follows: Villain swings, hero ducks, hero grabs villain’s arm and swings their weapon for the “kill”. While the acting is not great, it is rather serviceable considering the story. If this film starred Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp, it still would not have been enough to make this movie any less painful to watch. 4 fiery dragon turds for this one.

dragonquest capture 1

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Introducing: Super Capers (2009)

Supercapers poster2It’s not very often that I get really excited about seeing a movie in the theater – The Dark Knight Rising was high on my MUST SEE movies at the theater. This weekend, another just as anticipated movie is set to hit cinemas – Man of Steel. And boy am I excited. I was threatened by my girlfriend not to go see it without her, so in the meantime, I need something to get my Superhero fix. I turned to my old faithful Netflix subscription service to provide what I was looking for. Now, I could have easily chosen some of the proven winners such as Thor, Captain America, or Iron Man 2, but that would be too good just in case my anticipation of the new Superman film didn’t live up to my expectations. No, I decided to look for something that was bad so that I would not be underwhelmed by Zack Snyder’s latest film. And low and behold, I found a potential turd in the movie Super Capers.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Ray Griggs

Starring: Justin Whalin, Michael Rooker, Clint Howard, “Tiny” Lister, Adam West

Rated: PG

Tagline: Fighting evil has never been funnier!

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 0% – Ouch!

Number of  bad movie references to Great movies: 10 (And possibly more that I missed when I dosed off.)

Plot: Ed Grubberman wants desperately to become a superhero. So much so that he dons his own handmade cape and tries to fight crime out on the streets. As a result of being sued by one of the criminals he fights against, he is assigned by the local judge, to join a team of caped misfits who live in a halfway house for Superheroes. Ed gets himself in the middle of a criminal plot by the judge, who is a former superhero himself, and is framed for the theft of several gold buillion (bars). Through the powers of time travel and apparently stupidity, the team foils the plans of the criminal mastermind and uncover his secret plot.

If it sounds stupid, trust me, it is.

Important things to take away from this movie:

  • Superhero movies just aren’t the same without that distinct flipping red Marvel rectangle or the folding DC logo.
  • First indication that I’ve stumbled upon a bad move – Clint Howard.
  • Corny cartoon sound effects are going to make for a long movie.
  • Comic panel opening credit sequence that thinKs it’s extremely funny.
  • Being Merle has made Michael Rooker so much cooler!
  • Who knew this movie was going to be half live-action and half MAD magazine?
  • Good to see Adam West still getting some use out of the old Batmobile.
  • Where can I get me a Schwarzenagger robot?
  • Inflatable chairs beware with Puffer Boy around.
  • Cool looking Minotaur outfit.
  • A homophobic joke and a Christian joke both within a minute of each other.
  • Superheroes need to be careful when doing their own laundry so that their tights don’t shrink.
  • Wow, that was probably the worst Shatner impression I think I’ve ever seen.
  • Mannequins make pretty good speed bumps and they make squishing sounds.
  • Robot pick up lines sometimes go unanswered.
  • New white suit turns Grubberman into a pussy…cat.
  • FBI or Men in Black? YEAH!!
  • Dark Winged Vesper looks like a cross between Adam West’s Batman and Dracula.
  • Will Powers plays Wack-A-Mole with Red. Don’t call him old.
  • Why does a Superhero spoof keep referring to a science fiction movie?
  • It looks like Michael Rooker is about to walk off the set at the stupid “Return of the Jedi” scene. – “This is ridiculous!” Hell I’d leave too.
  • If you hit pause you might actually be able to tell that Arnie robot has a face.
  • Cue god awful Back to the Future sound alike music. Alan Silvestri must be throwing up.
  • Morbidly bad Marlon Brando impersonation
  • Don’t we all need an “In case You’re Screwed” button?
  • OMG! The Greatest American Hero theme! Easily the best way to end a terrible movie.
  • What the Hell? Need a good Chili Pie recipe? Watch the credits.

Super Sayings and Dynamic Dialogue:

“I’m going to send you to a Superhero halfway house.”

“I was Manbat, would you like an autograph?”

“How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should be open when she brings it.”

“SuperCapers, let’s rock!”

“I’m making a sound effect. No superhero can use his powers without a good sound effect in the background.”

“Do you always talk to yourself?” – “Ah crap, that was supposed to me my inside voice.”

“Great horny toads, it needs some adjusting.”

THE FINAL WORD:

Now, there are several movies that I loved growing up as a child and even those that I would say have had a big impact on my movie watching experiences and my in some way my childhood growing up. CRASH! I however do not feel the need to make a crappy movie  and shove in corny and out of place references to these films to show my appreciation for them. That’s what this film has done. With references to respectable movies such as Star Wars, Back to the Future, James Bond, Star Trek, and others, SuperCapers ends up a jumbled and very unfunny superhero spoof that looks more like director Ray Griggs is making fun of the movies that influenced him rather than paying homage to them. Z ING! Why is it, the movies that are purposely trying to be funny end up being some of the dumbest? The actors try to make the dialogue sound funny and do a pretty good job with what they have been forced to work with. WHACK! And what spoof wouldn’t be complete without the occasional cameo from former Hollywood stars (Adam West, Clint Howard, June Lockhart) I use the term “stars” loosely of course. ZAP! Griggs even gives himself a role in the film.  HONK!  He should stick to directing, at least the direction of the film was done too terribly bad. But, I plead to all filmmakers out there who are wanting to make a film that is family friendly and supposedly funny. Please, please, please, for all that is good in the world, stop adding the cartoon sound effects to every little action. BOING! SPROING! THUD!!  In describing this film, I’ll use one of the favorite sayings of hero Ed Grubberman, “Crap”. I’m giving this superhero spoof 3.5 out of 5 turds.  SPLAT!

super capers Adam West

UPDATE!!!

“Man of Steel” kicks ass by the way.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Introducing: At the Earth’s Core (1976)

At-the-Earths-CoreLong week, crappy weather, and not enough time to relax. Why not watch something that looks cheesy. Looks like At the Earth’s Core may just do the trick…or not.

Directed by: Kevin Connor

Starring: Peter Cushing, Doug McClure, Caroline Munro, Bobby Parr

Rated: PG

Tagline: They’re in it DEEP now!

Rotten Tomatoes: 33%

A wealthy young engineer puts his support into Dr. Perry’s newest invention, a drill that will drill through very thick layers of rock. While on it’s inaugurral run through the Earth, the drill called Iron Mole, breaks down about halfway through the diameter of the Earth. The two  decide to leave their drill and go exploring. While out of their vehicle. they are greeted with a whole different world located underneath the surface of the Earth complete with lush plant life, strange prehistoric creatures, and some grunting natives the have a propensity for dragging slaves all over. The two are captured and taken into the caves where they learn the secret of the underground world and the purpose for the slavery.

Things you won’t want to miss:

  • Don’t be fooled, this is no Tarzan.
  • Hey Doc, I’m not so sure your Iron Mole is going to be able to just do a 180 and go back. It’s a drill for god sakes.
  • This movie doesn’t waste any time getting to the middle of the Earth.
  • What an extraordinary sky, it looks so much like a sound stage.
  • There are even hot chicks at the Earth’s core.
  • Can you spot the black man with the blond afro? Seems a bit out of place, even in the middle of the Earth.
  • Yummy, large wild boar looking monsters feeding on puppets looks like an outtake from Team America. Be careful they’ll bite your ass.
  • Let the battle of the boars begin!! A horn to the junk will always get you a win.
  • Can anyone speak “out of tune radio frequency” so we can understand the Sagoths?
  • Let’s all be mesmerized by the giant shell-less tortoises with wings.
  • Warning: Tripping down stairs will get you a spanking with a wooden Q-Tip!
  • Since when would a Doctor know how to read a strange underground language. And why is he allowed to keep his umbrella? And a pocketknife too?
  • Don’t make the pig people mad or they’ll smack the ground with their horse tail whips.
  • Intense fight scene looks more like a rough foreplay scene between two lovers.
  • Feed me Seymour!!
  • Time to kiss and make up. “I am called David.” – “My name is Ra, and I speak perfect English. What other language do you think is spoken underground?”
  • If the girls don’t get caught by the reptile birds, then the wires surely will.
  • I fell in to a burning ring of fire.
  • Ole! Ole! Dodge the charging Hippocroc. Come on David, you’re the one with the freakin’ trident. Use the damn thing.
  • Ra must have been watching how Leia killed Jabba
  • Looking for volunteers brave enough to run through the fire curtain. Ahhh…I see we have at least one taker.
  • Sagoths have got to be the wimpiest and dumbest drone troopers I’ve ever seen.
  • Mahars originate from one big ass hard boiled egg.
  • Fire breathing frogs explode on impact.
  • Dr. Perry’s bow making skills could make him a dangerous contender in this year’s Hunger Games.
  • David’s tips on how to man-handle a woman. #1: Be Masterful!
  • Where did all these plastic plants come from?
  • Jubel isn’t so ugly, but smoking mushrooms are a weakness of his.
  • Sargoths are mind controlled to run like a troupe of cheerleaders.
  • Ra can kick some ass with a knife in his back…oh wait, it’s disappeared.
  • The Pulp Fiction Samuel L. Jackson sure shoots a mean arrow.
  • Fourth of July comes early inside the caves.
  • It’s a wig party!!
  • Best outfit Dia has worn all movie. She’s about to fall out of that top.
  • Where did the “launch” rigging come from? Did they build it from all the plastic plants in this underground land?
  • I don’t know about you, but I think  a drilling machine coming up from the Earth might be a breach of White House security. And the gardeners thought the mole’s were the only problem on the White House lawn.

Dorky Dialogue:

“Well if we’re not on Earth doc then where the hell are we? – From my observations dear friend I can positively state that we are under it.”

“Took me longer to graduate from geological engineering , than any other man in life.”

“Oh they’re so excitable, like all foreigners.”

“David, have you ever thought about going to the moon?”

“You can not mesmerize me, I’m British!”

THE FINAL WORD:

Oh boy, where do I begin? First off, this ambitious film is greatly hampered by it’s apparent lack of budget. The whole movie was obviously shot on a sound stage, with a strange purple hue with painted mountains and rocks in the background. Throughout the movie there were creatures thrown in simply for the effect of having monsters and thus giving way to the various creatures in this underground world. The creatures themselves were nothing more than people in suits ala Godzilla. Probably the most humorous effect of the whole film was a scene in which one of the creatures grabs and sinks his teeth into one of the slaves. This alone, is reason enough to watch the film. The dinosaur’s, including Peter Cushing’s, movements were pretty stiff and non-threatening. The special effects were nothing spectacular and consisted of a projection in the background with action in the foreground and fireworks as explosives. The sets were a wasteland of plaster and plastic plants, with some pools of fire thrown in for extra added effect. The film’s actor’s all showed off their chops at over-acting all the way down to the frequency grunting pig-people. Man, could they brandish a mean whip. The film’s hero, David, is a bit on the wimpy side. The cheesiness of Ra, and the curves of Munro do add to the appeal for sure. The dialogue is a bit tongue-in-cheek while trying to explain some aspects of the film’s plot, but amazingly doesn’t attempt to explain some of the story’s obvious flaws. I would be amiss if I said that this movie didn’t at least deserve a watching. With that I am giving this one 3.5 turds because I’m sure everyone will want to see tribe of underground slave people in bad wigs dance away in celebration.

at the earths core fight

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Introducing: Troll (1985)

With Halloween coming just around the corner, I wanted to get my fill of monster movies in to prepare myself for all the upcoming tricks and treats. My first movie of the Halloween season was monster filled classic, Troll. Having already seen Troll 2 earlier this year, I was very curious as to how the “worst franchise in movie history” began. And how could I go wrong with this cast? Sonny Bono, Elaine from Seinfeld, Timmy’s mom from Lassie, Atreayu from NeverEnding Story, and some Carol Anne from Poltergeist look alike. So, I ventured forth and set aside 82 minutes to devote to the viewing of this Halloween must see. If you would rather spend your time having a seizure to the song “Summertime Blues” then I have left you with some quick notes over the film so that you don’t miss a thing.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: John Carter Beuchler

Starring: Noah Hathaway, Michael Moriarty, Shelley Hack, Sonny Bono, Julia Louise-Dreyfuss

Tagline: Apartment for Rent. Inquire Within…

Rated: PG-13

Number of Michael Moriarity dance scenes: 1

Torak, a troll fairy (I know kind of a weird combination huh?) sets out to recreate a fairy universe from centuries past in hopes that it will lead to his ruling of the human world. He accomplishes this by kidnapping adorable little Wendy Anne and shapeshifting into her body, and posing as her throughout their new apartment complex. Torak-turned-Wendy Anne finds her way into the apartments of the buildings tenants only to appear as the troll, and with the help of a magical green ring, turn the tenants into a fern garden that sprouts more little trolls. Harry Potter Jr. (yep, that’s right) suspects that his sister is not quite what she seems to be and after meeting with an old fairy princess from the floor above, Harry is determined to save his sister and foil Torak’s plans.

What you would be Missing:

  • Uh oh, not good to start the film with a girl singing a lame song in a dubbed in voice. The director could have at least asked her to move her mouth.
  • Hello there hairy troll in the basement
  • Harry Potter? Oh great not another wizard movie.
  • Hello there hairy troll on the next floor, oh oops…that’s Sonny Bono.
  • Sonny Bono is changing in to Ron Jeremy who is changing in to a pickle, who changes into a forest, that spawns a troll doll, baby creature from Black Lagoon, and Don King. Yeah it looks as stupid as it sounds.
  • Strange apartment complex first a troll, then a live mushroom that looks like a penis with eyes.
  • Just when you think pink walls can’t get any uglier, the neighbor sports his rattlesnake wallpaper.
  • Disturbing little Michael Moriarity dance number…Yikes!
  • Anybody else feel uncomfortable about a little girl walking in to strange men’s apartments uninvited?
  • Despite the stupidity of it all, the troll is pretty scary looking.
  • And there goes another neighbor turned into forest of bad animatronic puppets.
  • Hey no fair, I do believe Harry Jr. is watching a better movie than I am at the moment.
  • First dancing from Moriarity and now a musical number from a bunch of trolls, a midget reciting The Faerie Queen, and a singing penis.
  • To be truthful, all those trolls look like the Ghoulies, I almost thought that it was a sequel to this.
  • Poor June Lockhart is a long way from Lassie.
  • The knock at the door sounded pre-pubescent? Is she used to young boys knocking on her door? Cougar!
  • Young boy wants to be trained as a wizard and his name just happens to be Harry Potter, I think that would make a good book.
  • Oh okay, it’s a mushroom, not a penis.
  • Animated sparkles and a half-naked Julie Louis-Dreyfuss(s), what more could a guy want?
  • That was a mean Mr. Troll, as if Malcom wasn’t tiny enough, you’ve changed him into an even smaller troll. And he was supposed to be your friend.
  • Ahhh…the back story of the troll and his bad intentions. Now it’s all coming together and starting to make sense…*cough*BULLCRAP*cough*.
  • I always thought that June Lockhart’s acting resembled that of a tree stump and now we have proof.
  • I’m thinking that Torak’s green ring has more cinematic appeal than the Green Lantern’s.
  • Big bat troll on the loose and he looks pissed.
  • TROUPE ALERT!! Bad guy saves the day by killing his own evil creation.
  • And away the family goes off to their new town, Nilbog. (Yes that was a Troll 2 reference)

Dynamic Dialogue:

“I’d rather watch Star Trek. Phasers on dull.”

“Have you been playing with dead cats?”

“I’m in to swinging and children having pillow fights at all hours of  the night while I’m trying to score might cause me a few strikeouts.”

“You can forget the milk honey, he’s in to gin and tonics.”

“Can I come in, I think I’m going to throw up”

“Buzz off you little creeps.”

“Someone probably had their stereo on too loud. Probably one of those kids.” – Good rule of thumb, if in doubt, blame the kids!

Just to be clear, Troll 2, the notoriously so-bad-it’s-hilarious sequel has absolutely no connection to this movie at all. In fact the trolls are referred to as goblins. Nevertheless, this movie is pretty cheesy and the acting isn’t all that great, but there are some enjoyable parts. This would be the perfect scary movie for the 8-10 year old crowd. But if you are looking for some sort of blood and gore slash-fest or a scream flick for your All Hallows Eve get together, this one isn’t for you. I can’t quite give this the dreaded 4 or 5 turds, the mark of reel crap, and I can’t really say that it was all that good either. So, I’ll stick with somewhere in the middle on this one. The 1985 version of Troll gets 3 turds from me. On the good side, I have seen rumors that there is a remake coming on the horizon in the near future.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hangar 18 (1980)

Anyone up for a sci-fi adventure that features a government cover up of alien proportions and a pair of heroes who can go on a killing spree and string of thefts and not taken into custody? No? Well be lucky that I watched this one for you so that you can spend the 95 minutes instead doing something much more enjoyable like picking up poop in the backyard before mowing.

Streamed by: Netflix

Directed by: James Conway

Starring: Gary Collins, Robert Vaughn, Darren McGavin

Tagline: Why won’t they tell us?

After launching a satellite into space and watching it explode in front of their eyes, astronauts Steve Bancroft and Lew Price are blamed for the explosion and the death of their fellow crew mate. However, the crash happened as a result of colliding with an alien spacecraft which then crashes on Earth in the Arizona desert.  Darren McGavin leads a team of NASA scientists given the task of investigating the crashed spacecraft which is found to contain three dead alien life forms. Through research and old manuscripts the scientists believe that these aliens are from a race of ancient astronauts thought to have visited Earth long ago and are responsible for the creation of all mankind. A government cover-up due to an impending election and two astronauts traveling through Arizona and Texas to clear their name give you the premise of Hangar 18.

What you would have seen:

  • And to think, that head is still floating through space somewhere in the universe.
  • I’m thinking that the filmmakers should have done a little more research about how the Space Shuttle traveled through space, however I wonder if one of their kids will be missing their Space Shuttle toy? Upon further investigation, I feel that I must somewhat take back this statement because the Space Shuttle had not yet launched at the time of the film.
  • Hooray for stock video footage!
  • There is always an election in the way from getting to the truth.
  • Alright, who erased that blip?!
  • Apparently alien beings have been stealing our tin foil to line their walls and ceilings with and evidently alien spacecraft have more room in the inside than they look from the outside.
  • Quite an impressive set of hieroglyphics on the alien ship. I think I just saw Optimus Prime on that wall.
  • Hmmmm…I wonder what this button does. Oops, my bad! Is everyone alright?
  • Not a bad little car chase scene that ends in an impressive explosion.
  • Wouldn’t our two “heroes” be on the U.S. most wanted list after killing those two federal agents?
  • You mean to tell me that people actually did their research from books? Thank god for Google.
  • A bad pair of eyeglasses with octagon frames. Did they actually make those?
  • Glass that shatters before a bullet even reaches it.
  • Four guys run around an oil refinery shooting guns and absconding oil rigs and there are no workers willing to stop them?
  • I’ll bet that Gary Collins is really good at playing Grand Theft Auto.
  • Man, that toy airplane must have been packed with a ton of explosives!
  • A voiceover to end the movie with only the ship left unharmed? No resolution? Were they planning a sequel?

Award Winning Dialogue:

“Either we’re imagining this whole thing, or the blip of the UFO has been erased.”

“They sure didn’t get these equipment at Radio Shack.”

“We, mankind, the human race, are their children.”

Despite all of it’s faults and plot holes, this movie wasn’t on the surface as bad as I had anticipated. It wasn’t great by any means, but I’m betting this one is on the shelf of some sci-fi collectors as a classic. Won’t be on mine in a million years but hey, to each their own.

Since it did have some merit to it, albeit very little, this film only deserves two turds out of five.

Tagged , , , , , , ,