Nothing says “horrible movie” than a direct to DVD fantasy adventure. And The Asylum production company is never one to let us down. The latest film I watched was a hero’s quest to save the kingdom. And believe me when I tell you that the quest was a total waste of time for both film watchers and apparently script writers. You will go on a difficult quest yourself by trying to make it through this movie in one sitting without getting up to do something else or restart because you fell asleep, which trust me, is more difficult of a quest than that of the film’s hero. So to help you make it through the movie, I’ve provided you with some of the most important parts of the film.
Streaming on: Netflix
Directed by: Mark Atkins
Starring: Marc Singer (the f’n Beastmaster!), Daniel Bonjour, Jason Connery, Brian Thompson, Jennifer Dorogi
Tagline: Our fate lies in the hands of one.
Rotten Tomato Score: 11%
Number of color changes to Arkadi’s shirt: 4
Plot: A young boy (mildly) is forced to be a hero and complete a series of quests to find the precious stones of virtue and piece together a medallion that will help him defeat a dragon conjured up by an evil ancient warlord.
Important things you won’t want to miss:
- Impressive sweeping landscapes to open the movie
- Squeezing the blood out of a necklace summons shadow dragons. Wait what?
- Meanwhile at Hansel and Gretel’s cabin…
- Typical teenager, smoking magic dust and perving on the neighbor girl.
- Fire Dragons tend to be the most intimidating, except to teenagers.
- CGI castle is home to many angry actors
- Epic battle 300 style, with animated blood spatter and severed head. THIS IS SPARTA…no, it’s not, it’s crap.
- Talking dragons makes old people commit suicide.
- Don’t mess with scantily clad women wielding sticks and powerful legs.
- In my day, Maxim was the name of a men’s magazine not a Beastmaster trying to talk like a pirate. Arrrrrr.
- Marc Singer (Maxim) has quite the rubber face. Somebody give that guy some prunes, it seems as though he needs to take a poop.
- Eight foot river monster lives in a creek that looks to be only 5 feet across. That’s one deep ass creek bed.
- Safety Tips for Kids #1: You must control the urge to smoke a tin foil star covered blunt while in the belly of a beast.
- The Keeper must be brave to put a jewel from the green sparkly belly of a river monster in their mouth. Gross.
- I don’t suppose anyone could get that vendor a pair of finger nail clippers? How does she wipe for God-sake?
- Oh lovely, nothing like a chain breaking and sleeping bearded guy montage to make the movie drag on even more.
- And the point of the large exoskeleton spider was what? Other than a reason to use some bad CGI effects? And wow, that has to be the most brightly lit cave I’ve ever seen.
- Well, that’s one gem that I wouldn’t have gotten. It’s in the tub for me!
- Seems like the jewels of the medallion are just laying all over the place and everyone has one.
- Safety Tips for Kids #2: Never follow a Vulcan-like man into a tent by yourself. Nothing good will come of it.
- Note the ease that Maxim the Knight takes out the most worthless group of minions ever.
- Arkadi, I’d be frustrated to, I mean you’ve worked so hard to find the gem stones, considering most of them were just given to you.
- Not only do Kirill’s minions attack one at a time, but they also use plastic swords to do it.
- Light/Ice Dragon is like a fully grown Pokeman creature.
- Five minutes of non-climatic plasma beam fight between hero and villain ends in forced facial expressions.
“What’s in your pouch boy?” (That’s probably not something you should be asking a young boy.)
“He became blind to the greatest virtue of all, humility.”
“I didn’t ask for this. I don’t want it.”
“The bed’s not soft, but the latrine is convenient.” (So just shit anywhere you want, the writers seemed to.)
“The virtues in the stones, will match the virtues in the man. The power lies in you.”
THE FINAL WORD:
DragonQuest is not a good movie. There, I didn’t beat around the bush. Despite the awesome and gorgeous landscape shots that were seen throughout the film, they were not enough to save this movie from itself. The plot features one of the lamest quests ever seen in film. The hero had to do absolutely nothing to get the gems with the exception of one. It seems as though everyone has a gem to give out thus not making the hero go through hardly any danger to receive the gems to complete his quest. And come to find out, that he doesn’t even find the all the gems. The fight scenes were lacking of any type of creative choreography to consider this an action movie. The fights consisted of the same pattern every time and goes as follows: Villain swings, hero ducks, hero grabs villain’s arm and swings their weapon for the “kill”. While the acting is not great, it is rather serviceable considering the story. If this film starred Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp, it still would not have been enough to make this movie any less painful to watch. 4 fiery dragon turds for this one.