Tag Archives: Kevin Shea

Introducing: Assault of the Sasquatch

assault of the sasquatch 00Sometimes a lesson at school peaks students’ interests so much, that they go out and find their own information to fill themselves with more knowledge. During a reading lesson, we read about cryptozoologists and how they hunted for mythical creatures such as Bigfoot and Loch Ness Monster. We’ve learned that a good place to find interesting documentaries is Netflix. Sure enough, our search through Netflix turned up at least six different titles pertaining to Bigfoot. One of the titles that popped up was something called Assault of the Sasquatch. Judging a video by it’s cover made this movie look like quite the turd. I couldn’t have been more right.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Andrew Gernhard

Starring: Kevin Shea, Sarah Ahearn, Greg Nutcher, Cristina Santiago

Rated: R

Tagline: New Territory…Fresh Prey.

Rotten Tomatoes: 0% – That should have been a warning.

Number of times fat kid says Sasquatch: 33

A group of bear hunters haul in the ultimate prize while on a hunting excursion, the mythical Sasquatch. With intentions of selling the Sasquatch to a big game collector for one million dollars, the trio soon find out the the Sasquatch means business and kills two of them before the third is arrested. When their vehicle is taken to a run down police station, the Sasquatch escapes and reeks havoc over the town. Two local teens and members of the International Sasquatch Hunters see the creature while peeping on a girl taking a shower, the perv. While having to wander in an unfamiliar territory, the Sasquatch must fight it’s way out, killing everything in it’s path.

Best parts you won’t want to miss:

  • Rednecks with too much ammo isn’t a good way to start a movie.
  • Grandpa has the such a golden smile.
  • Gotta feel safe around those cops that take a weed hit and pop pills before heading to a call.
  • Sasquatch go for onion and broccoli pizzas.
  • I think Grandpa’s eye patch just switched eyes.
  • Sasquatch looks disturbingly like a cross between Rob Zombie, a gorilla suit, and WWE Wrestler Mark Henry.
  • I’m thinking that pizza parlour needs to install a two drink limit.
  • Fat guys should know that horizontal stripes are not very slimming.
  • So how does a Bigfoot climbing on top of a roof?
  • Boobs!
  • Did you see what that little dog was wearing, she deserved to get squashed.
  • Apparently, someone didn’t check the prisoner before putting him in the cell. Not a very good pat down job.
  • Ever feel like you’re being followed by a Bigfoot?
  • That Sasquatch has a pretty good arm. He can throw rocks, tires, and mailboxes with great accuracy.
  • Must be the calmest dad in the world. You daughter just got sucked out the door and kidnapped by a Bigfoot creature, no problem, don’t move and she’ll come back eventually. Let the psycho police receptionist go get her instead.
  • How to fight Bigfoot in hand to hand combat. Kick to chest – Kick to balls – Kick to stomach – Kick to Chest – FINISH HIM!!!
  • I’ll rip your arm off and beat you with the bloody end of it.
  • Crazy secretary’s dried blood on her mouth looks like she just ate a cherry Popsicle.
  • “For some reason we’ve pissed that thing off…” – You think? Knocking it out and stuffing it in a storage truck, can’t imagine why it would be pissed off.
  • Guys with a glandular disorder can easily knock a Sasquatch off it’s feet. He needed that to happen like he needed a hole in the head.
  • Sasquatch javelin throw for the win.
  • Looks like the angry acting classes are starting to pay off. Now if only she hadn’t dropped out of dramatic acting.
  • Sasquatch can make a man’s head turn just like an owl’s.
  • Who knew that only four nails could hold a Sasquatch down?
  • Sasquatch is smart enough to push a button.
  • All this time, and all the Sasquatch wanted a finger to add to his necklace.
  • Could someone please call back the Sasquatch to punch the fat kid in the face again?!

Best Quotes Ever:

“Nighty, night hairball.”

“She’s smart, she’s sexy, she’s smexy.”

“The bathroom is just down the hall and there’s air freshener in the bottom cabinet, just in case you need it.”

“Those things are huge.” – “F*** yeah they’re big, they don’t call him Bigfoot for nothing.

“Did you guys see a Sasquatch? He’s big, he’s hairy, and has boobs.”

“Hands.” – “I was wondering when I was going to get my conjugal visit. Whoa, hey, if you wanted it rough, all you had to do was ask.”

“I wasn’t always just a secretary.”

“You better believe that if you piss off Sasquatch, you’re f****d.”

“Mr. Sasquatch, Mr. Sasquatch, I’m so sorry. But on a side note, it’s such an honor to meet you.”

THE FINAL WORD:

Much in the same vain as Thankskilling, this movie never seems to take itself too seriously and in fact had a tendency to be terrible on purpose.   Between a bodily evisceration and a fist through the head, the deaths add a bit of hilarity to the film, when the acting itself isn’t doing so. The characters are either overtly over dramatic (Don) who screams every line or dull and half asleep (sheriff). The writer of the film has penned himself the part of a horny, grumpy, one-eyed big game hunter. His one-liners are somewhat humorous, but get to be a bit annoying. The most charismatic character would have to be the Sasquatch creature. Although it is an obvious person in an ugly gorilla suit, the ‘Squatch and gratefully made to be the “star” of the film. Which brings us back around to the creative killing of characters. The music is nothing much to write home about and is immediately forgettable. There are several editing boo-boos and any action is hard to keep track of because of either a very tight camera angle or very little lighting. This film is not good and should probably stay hidden like the Sasquatch itself and earns it a 4 turd rating.

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