Tag Archives: monster

Introducing: Assault of the Sasquatch

assault of the sasquatch 00Sometimes a lesson at school peaks students’ interests so much, that they go out and find their own information to fill themselves with more knowledge. During a reading lesson, we read about cryptozoologists and how they hunted for mythical creatures such as Bigfoot and Loch Ness Monster. We’ve learned that a good place to find interesting documentaries is Netflix. Sure enough, our search through Netflix turned up at least six different titles pertaining to Bigfoot. One of the titles that popped up was something called Assault of the Sasquatch. Judging a video by it’s cover made this movie look like quite the turd. I couldn’t have been more right.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Andrew Gernhard

Starring: Kevin Shea, Sarah Ahearn, Greg Nutcher, Cristina Santiago

Rated: R

Tagline: New Territory…Fresh Prey.

Rotten Tomatoes: 0% – That should have been a warning.

Number of times fat kid says Sasquatch: 33

A group of bear hunters haul in the ultimate prize while on a hunting excursion, the mythical Sasquatch. With intentions of selling the Sasquatch to a big game collector for one million dollars, the trio soon find out the the Sasquatch means business and kills two of them before the third is arrested. When their vehicle is taken to a run down police station, the Sasquatch escapes and reeks havoc over the town. Two local teens and members of the International Sasquatch Hunters see the creature while peeping on a girl taking a shower, the perv. While having to wander in an unfamiliar territory, the Sasquatch must fight it’s way out, killing everything in it’s path.

Best parts you won’t want to miss:

  • Rednecks with too much ammo isn’t a good way to start a movie.
  • Grandpa has the such a golden smile.
  • Gotta feel safe around those cops that take a weed hit and pop pills before heading to a call.
  • Sasquatch go for onion and broccoli pizzas.
  • I think Grandpa’s eye patch just switched eyes.
  • Sasquatch looks disturbingly like a cross between Rob Zombie, a gorilla suit, and WWE Wrestler Mark Henry.
  • I’m thinking that pizza parlour needs to install a two drink limit.
  • Fat guys should know that horizontal stripes are not very slimming.
  • So how does a Bigfoot climbing on top of a roof?
  • Boobs!
  • Did you see what that little dog was wearing, she deserved to get squashed.
  • Apparently, someone didn’t check the prisoner before putting him in the cell. Not a very good pat down job.
  • Ever feel like you’re being followed by a Bigfoot?
  • That Sasquatch has a pretty good arm. He can throw rocks, tires, and mailboxes with great accuracy.
  • Must be the calmest dad in the world. You daughter just got sucked out the door and kidnapped by a Bigfoot creature, no problem, don’t move and she’ll come back eventually. Let the psycho police receptionist go get her instead.
  • How to fight Bigfoot in hand to hand combat. Kick to chest – Kick to balls – Kick to stomach – Kick to Chest – FINISH HIM!!!
  • I’ll rip your arm off and beat you with the bloody end of it.
  • Crazy secretary’s dried blood on her mouth looks like she just ate a cherry Popsicle.
  • “For some reason we’ve pissed that thing off…” – You think? Knocking it out and stuffing it in a storage truck, can’t imagine why it would be pissed off.
  • Guys with a glandular disorder can easily knock a Sasquatch off it’s feet. He needed that to happen like he needed a hole in the head.
  • Sasquatch javelin throw for the win.
  • Looks like the angry acting classes are starting to pay off. Now if only she hadn’t dropped out of dramatic acting.
  • Sasquatch can make a man’s head turn just like an owl’s.
  • Who knew that only four nails could hold a Sasquatch down?
  • Sasquatch is smart enough to push a button.
  • All this time, and all the Sasquatch wanted a finger to add to his necklace.
  • Could someone please call back the Sasquatch to punch the fat kid in the face again?!

Best Quotes Ever:

“Nighty, night hairball.”

“She’s smart, she’s sexy, she’s smexy.”

“The bathroom is just down the hall and there’s air freshener in the bottom cabinet, just in case you need it.”

“Those things are huge.” – “F*** yeah they’re big, they don’t call him Bigfoot for nothing.

“Did you guys see a Sasquatch? He’s big, he’s hairy, and has boobs.”

“Hands.” – “I was wondering when I was going to get my conjugal visit. Whoa, hey, if you wanted it rough, all you had to do was ask.”

“I wasn’t always just a secretary.”

“You better believe that if you piss off Sasquatch, you’re f****d.”

“Mr. Sasquatch, Mr. Sasquatch, I’m so sorry. But on a side note, it’s such an honor to meet you.”

THE FINAL WORD:

Much in the same vain as Thankskilling, this movie never seems to take itself too seriously and in fact had a tendency to be terrible on purpose.   Between a bodily evisceration and a fist through the head, the deaths add a bit of hilarity to the film, when the acting itself isn’t doing so. The characters are either overtly over dramatic (Don) who screams every line or dull and half asleep (sheriff). The writer of the film has penned himself the part of a horny, grumpy, one-eyed big game hunter. His one-liners are somewhat humorous, but get to be a bit annoying. The most charismatic character would have to be the Sasquatch creature. Although it is an obvious person in an ugly gorilla suit, the ‘Squatch and gratefully made to be the “star” of the film. Which brings us back around to the creative killing of characters. The music is nothing much to write home about and is immediately forgettable. There are several editing boo-boos and any action is hard to keep track of because of either a very tight camera angle or very little lighting. This film is not good and should probably stay hidden like the Sasquatch itself and earns it a 4 turd rating.

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Introducing: The Thing with Two Heads (1972)

thing with two headsIt was upon one evening after a three-mile run that I sat on the couch and was scrolling through the Netflix “New Releases” that I saw the cover art for a film that made me laugh uncontrollably and out loud. It was the outrageous cover art to the film “The Thing with Two Heads” and on it depicts a picture of a person with two heads, one white and one black, riding on a motorcycle looking like it was out of control. That, and the unforgettable tagline (They transplanted a white bigot’s head onto a soul brother’s body) definitely had my interest. The idea of such a premise was so ridiculous, in an instant, I knew, that I had to watch this film. I was ready for some good ol’ early 70’s exploitation entertainment.  Fortunately, the laughs did not stop at only the cover art once I hit the play button. Unfortunately, however, all logic went out the window and the cheese started to ooze out of the film as soon as the opening credits began.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Lee Frost

Starring: Ray Miland, Rosey Grier, Chelsey Brown, Don Marshall

Rated: PG

Tagline: They transplanted a white bigot’s head on a soul brother’s body!

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 0%

Number of times the term black bastard is used: 4

Dr. Kirschner is an accomplished transplant surgeon, and bigot, has successfully performed the transplant of a head onto another live body to keep the latter alive. His experiment has been proven successful with the creation of a two-headed gorilla. When Kirschner learns that he has been stricken with an inoperable cancer, he demands that his assistant, Dr. Desmond to find him a body and perform the transplant to prolong his life. The “donor” comes in the form of a convicted murderer on death row, Jack Moss, who also happens to be a large black man. With time running out for Dr. Kirschner, the transplant is made on Jack. When they both come to and Jack realizes what has happened, he uses the opportunity to escape and find a way to clear his name , not to mention rid himself of the extra head he’s acquired. As the police set chase, hilarity and stupidity take over in a bumbling game of cat and two-headed mouse.

Things you won’t want to miss:

  • First time you’ll ever see the title of a movie grow a head; and with interesting “boner” sound.
  • Two, two, two gorillas in one!
  • I feel sorry for any child that these doctors give a shot to.
  • Clean up on aisle five!
  • Colored toilet paper and Tab? Definitely the 70s.  Whatever happened to that colored toilet paper anyway? Answer
  • How many bananas can one ape shovel into its second lifeless mouth anyway?
  • Rejection specialist? Poor doctors only makes $500 per week, how much rejection can one person handle?
  • Exits to hospital surgical rooms lead to complete and total darkness.
  • Terminal chest cancer is a pretty broad diagnosis, but inoperable all the same.
  • Poor gorilla lost his head over this whole scientific experiment.
  • Any volunteers to give your body and your life up for the purposes of science?
  • Opening and closing the basement windows tends to make the walls shake.
  • Bulldog clamp, mosquito clamp, gorilla clamp, nipple clamp
  • Wait, I thought the whole success of the transplant was depended on the spinal column.
  • Hey Doc, got head?
  • One would think that goatee would be a bit scratchy.
  • You’re late for the injection nurse, now Shoo bitch, shoo.
  • Thus begins the game of: Which head is the real one?
  • Jack, your jacket isn’t the most comfortable fit.
  • The term “backseat driver” will never mean the same again.
  • The scenes with both live heads must be the most uncomfortable contraption for both actors.
  • And the escapees pull “a-head” of the pack. If they end up winning…
  • Two guys on the phone while 50+people eavesdrop.
  • It’s clear that policemen find it impossible to avoid random ravines in an open field.
  • Haven’t we seen those crashes before?
  • It’s evident that more of the film’s budget was spent on destroying police vehicles than on any special effect work whatsoever.
  • Oh come on, just give him a kiss. Don’t mind the extra head attached to his shoulders.
  • Hey Doc, you might want to look at the size of the body your sharing before you do any racial stereotyping. Now shut up and eat your soul food.
  • Rosie Grier should be given credit for his coordination and balance while his eyes are closed. Pretty impressive.
  • Oh my, this soundtrack is absolutely terrible.
  • Removal of a spare head seems to be simple outpatient surgery.

Quotable Quotes:

“Hey doc, is this going to hurt?”

“Cut down the dosage of Barbital to the black head.”

“You soul brother, you got a car?”

“I’ve committed political suicide and you say, “It’s not as bad as it sounds.”

“Jack, you get into more shit.”

“What’s a matter baby, don’t dig soul food?” – “What do you got for dessert, watermelon?”

“Phillip, get me another body, please.”

The Final Word:

Two heads aren’t always better than one, especially in this case. However, the interaction and constant bickering between the two heads is quite enjoyable to watch. Rosie Grier wasn’t the best actor, but you could tell that he was at least having fun with the role he was given despite having a grumpy old white guy strapped to his back at various times throughout the movie. He’s by far not great,  but has a bit of charm and although being a convicted felon on the run from the police, one almost considers him the hero that has had this horrible tragedy thrust upon him. Ray Milland plays the bigoted old doctor well and actually had some of the funnier lines in the film. The two actors play really well off of one another. The filmmakers carefully walk the line making the underlying theme of racism stand out without making it do so offensively. The special effects aren’t the greatest and are quite cheesy. Throughout the film, the “monster” switches from a person with an obviously fake head bobbing on it’s shoulder, to two men forced together by what must have been a very uncomfortable contraption. The transplant scene itself is quite laughable too. By far the best scene in the film however, is the police chase through the countryside while on a motorcycle. The dim-wittedness and stupidity of the police force reminded me of a whole squadron of Rosco P. Coltrane type of officers. Their driving skills left a little to be desired. The dinner scene with Moss and his girlfriend is quite humorous as well. While the plot is obviously contrived and doesn’t live up to it’s full potential, the actors themselves are enough to make up for it. While, this corniness is not for everyone, it is rather entertaining and is definitely worth at least one viewing. Based on the entertainment value alone, and despite the cheese factor, I am giving this film four out of five turds.

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Introducing: At the Earth’s Core (1976)

At-the-Earths-CoreLong week, crappy weather, and not enough time to relax. Why not watch something that looks cheesy. Looks like At the Earth’s Core may just do the trick…or not.

Directed by: Kevin Connor

Starring: Peter Cushing, Doug McClure, Caroline Munro, Bobby Parr

Rated: PG

Tagline: They’re in it DEEP now!

Rotten Tomatoes: 33%

A wealthy young engineer puts his support into Dr. Perry’s newest invention, a drill that will drill through very thick layers of rock. While on it’s inaugurral run through the Earth, the drill called Iron Mole, breaks down about halfway through the diameter of the Earth. The two  decide to leave their drill and go exploring. While out of their vehicle. they are greeted with a whole different world located underneath the surface of the Earth complete with lush plant life, strange prehistoric creatures, and some grunting natives the have a propensity for dragging slaves all over. The two are captured and taken into the caves where they learn the secret of the underground world and the purpose for the slavery.

Things you won’t want to miss:

  • Don’t be fooled, this is no Tarzan.
  • Hey Doc, I’m not so sure your Iron Mole is going to be able to just do a 180 and go back. It’s a drill for god sakes.
  • This movie doesn’t waste any time getting to the middle of the Earth.
  • What an extraordinary sky, it looks so much like a sound stage.
  • There are even hot chicks at the Earth’s core.
  • Can you spot the black man with the blond afro? Seems a bit out of place, even in the middle of the Earth.
  • Yummy, large wild boar looking monsters feeding on puppets looks like an outtake from Team America. Be careful they’ll bite your ass.
  • Let the battle of the boars begin!! A horn to the junk will always get you a win.
  • Can anyone speak “out of tune radio frequency” so we can understand the Sagoths?
  • Let’s all be mesmerized by the giant shell-less tortoises with wings.
  • Warning: Tripping down stairs will get you a spanking with a wooden Q-Tip!
  • Since when would a Doctor know how to read a strange underground language. And why is he allowed to keep his umbrella? And a pocketknife too?
  • Don’t make the pig people mad or they’ll smack the ground with their horse tail whips.
  • Intense fight scene looks more like a rough foreplay scene between two lovers.
  • Feed me Seymour!!
  • Time to kiss and make up. “I am called David.” – “My name is Ra, and I speak perfect English. What other language do you think is spoken underground?”
  • If the girls don’t get caught by the reptile birds, then the wires surely will.
  • I fell in to a burning ring of fire.
  • Ole! Ole! Dodge the charging Hippocroc. Come on David, you’re the one with the freakin’ trident. Use the damn thing.
  • Ra must have been watching how Leia killed Jabba
  • Looking for volunteers brave enough to run through the fire curtain. Ahhh…I see we have at least one taker.
  • Sagoths have got to be the wimpiest and dumbest drone troopers I’ve ever seen.
  • Mahars originate from one big ass hard boiled egg.
  • Fire breathing frogs explode on impact.
  • Dr. Perry’s bow making skills could make him a dangerous contender in this year’s Hunger Games.
  • David’s tips on how to man-handle a woman. #1: Be Masterful!
  • Where did all these plastic plants come from?
  • Jubel isn’t so ugly, but smoking mushrooms are a weakness of his.
  • Sargoths are mind controlled to run like a troupe of cheerleaders.
  • Ra can kick some ass with a knife in his back…oh wait, it’s disappeared.
  • The Pulp Fiction Samuel L. Jackson sure shoots a mean arrow.
  • Fourth of July comes early inside the caves.
  • It’s a wig party!!
  • Best outfit Dia has worn all movie. She’s about to fall out of that top.
  • Where did the “launch” rigging come from? Did they build it from all the plastic plants in this underground land?
  • I don’t know about you, but I think  a drilling machine coming up from the Earth might be a breach of White House security. And the gardeners thought the mole’s were the only problem on the White House lawn.

Dorky Dialogue:

“Well if we’re not on Earth doc then where the hell are we? – From my observations dear friend I can positively state that we are under it.”

“Took me longer to graduate from geological engineering , than any other man in life.”

“Oh they’re so excitable, like all foreigners.”

“David, have you ever thought about going to the moon?”

“You can not mesmerize me, I’m British!”

THE FINAL WORD:

Oh boy, where do I begin? First off, this ambitious film is greatly hampered by it’s apparent lack of budget. The whole movie was obviously shot on a sound stage, with a strange purple hue with painted mountains and rocks in the background. Throughout the movie there were creatures thrown in simply for the effect of having monsters and thus giving way to the various creatures in this underground world. The creatures themselves were nothing more than people in suits ala Godzilla. Probably the most humorous effect of the whole film was a scene in which one of the creatures grabs and sinks his teeth into one of the slaves. This alone, is reason enough to watch the film. The dinosaur’s, including Peter Cushing’s, movements were pretty stiff and non-threatening. The special effects were nothing spectacular and consisted of a projection in the background with action in the foreground and fireworks as explosives. The sets were a wasteland of plaster and plastic plants, with some pools of fire thrown in for extra added effect. The film’s actor’s all showed off their chops at over-acting all the way down to the frequency grunting pig-people. Man, could they brandish a mean whip. The film’s hero, David, is a bit on the wimpy side. The cheesiness of Ra, and the curves of Munro do add to the appeal for sure. The dialogue is a bit tongue-in-cheek while trying to explain some aspects of the film’s plot, but amazingly doesn’t attempt to explain some of the story’s obvious flaws. I would be amiss if I said that this movie didn’t at least deserve a watching. With that I am giving this one 3.5 turds because I’m sure everyone will want to see tribe of underground slave people in bad wigs dance away in celebration.

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Introducing: Grim (1995)

Grim Who doesn’t like a good monster movie every once in a while. It had been a while since I sat  down to a monster flick  that wasn’t a traditional zombie or ghost. While searching through the steaming library of Netflix, I ran upon a film what had the most interesting looking monster as it’s cover art. I noticed that it had a one star rating on Netflix and when searching for it in Rotten Tomatoes, it didn’t even have a rating from critics and only a 10% audience rating. With rating like those, that makes for an awful monster movie. So, I thought what the heck,what have I got to lose.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Paul Matthews

Starring: Emmanuel Xuereb (good luck pronouncing that one), Jack Chancer, David Kennedy, Tres Hanley

Rated: R

Tagline: This ain’t no fairytale

A group of spelunkers visit an old abandoned underground mine to see why there are cracks in the foundations of area homes. During their investigations of the mines, the visitors come in contact with a gigantic monster that seems to have been conjured up by a couple of the visitors during a seance at their home. The monster plays with and feeds on unsuspecting humans and keeps them locked up in cages. The monster has the ability to possess the minds of those that come in contact with it and has the uncanny propensity of walking through walls. One of the adventurers, Steve, mysteriously had a medallion that supposedly hurts the monster and he offers up his girlfriend as a sacrifice to the monster, known as Grim. During the attemptedsacrifice, the two “experts” of the group, find a way to destroy Grim by using light. This knowledge leads them to a plan that will hopefully stop the monster and get themselves out of the catacombs alive.

What you won’t want to miss:

  • Using a Ouija board to conjure up a monster or spirit means that the writers don’t want to explain where the monster comes from. Troupe alert!!
  • King Kong coming through the floor always brings an end to a séance
  • All the boys things she’s a spy, she’s got, Betty Davis eyes
  • Having problems with cracks in your foundation, join an amateur spelunking expedition. Hop they signed a liability waiver.
  • Music sounds like it came from a bargain bin 99 cent Halloween music CD.
  • Those exploding styrofoam walls sure make for great effects.
  • Watch out for the badly animated bats.
  • Red infrared sight is not the best for seeing in dark spaces.
  • Cue the upset female overacting.
  • Hey, even a monster has to kick back in the recliner too. It’s tough work…killing and eating people.
  • Hey Trish, nice of you to drop in.
  • Grim looks like nothing more than a person in a World of Warcraft orc suit.
  • I don’t suppose anyone has an explanation for the torches that are already lit. If there is no airflow, how can they stay lit?
  • And are those human sized cages on sale at just any hardware store or just those visited by man-eating trolls?
  • With teeth like those, why would a monster need a meat cleaver?
  • If you witnessed the butchering and beheading of people, you’d be  bat shit crazy too. “Here birdie, birdie.”
  • Skulls crack like ceramic masks.
  • Sunlight and bad special effects make a monster turn to stone.

Depressing Dialogue:

“Honey, what’s that disgusting smell?”

“This is spooky.” – “Oh come on, we did worse things when we were kids on Halloween.” – Giggle Giggle Giggle

“Sara, Sara, where’s my masccara Sara?”

“If anything happens, run like hell. Do you understand? Run like hell.

The Final Word:

Comments from people at IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes have crapped all over his film and going so far as to say that Grim is one of the worst movies ever made. This movie does indeed have it’s faults, but I don’t know that I would go quite that far, have any of these people not seen Mutant Hunt or Birdemic for that matter. Now, don’t get me wrong, this movie is nowhere near good. The acting is pretty bad and the soundtrack is just atrocious. The monster is somewhat interesting looking and the design probably would have been put to better use in another plot. And speaking of the plot, well, there wasn’t much of one. The story had several plot holes that were very distracting and disjointed. Where did the monster come from? Why does it choose to attack certain people? I could go in to more detail, but why should I, the movie itself didn’t. I’m giving this movie 4 turds, but only because it’s lucky that I’ve seen worse movies than Grim.

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Introducing: Godzilla’s Revenge (1969)

godzilla mainIn the heart of the winter months, nothing is better than snuggling up on the couch with a warm blanket, some cocoa, and you video streaming services. I was looking for something different, something I hadn’t watched or reviewed before. Whilst surfing through my streaming resources, I found an old classic from my younger days, Godzilla!! So I prepped my self for some really bad English over dubbing and queued up the movie, Godzilla’s Revenge. This one, as I read more about it, tends to regarded as the worst Godzilla movie ever made. Well, we can be the judge of that.

Streaming on: Hulu+

Directed by: Ishiro Honda

Starring: Kenji Sahara, Tomonori Yazaki

Rated: G

Tagline: None

Number of high pitched monster growls: 50

A young boy name Ichiro has dreams that help him escape from his own reality and into one on Monster Island. This is his way of coping with his dull home life and neighborhood bullies. Monster Island is ruled by Godzilla and in his dreams, Ichiro becomes friends with Godzilla’s son, Minya, who learns how to be brave himself with the help of his father, Godzilla, as they battle with the monster Gabara.

Things you won’t want to miss:

  • Interesting monster compilation to start the title sequence.
  • Japanese children bully by jumping up and down and making funny faces at each other. Those retched souls.
  • Hey, Ichiro, nice shorty shorts.
  • Miniature computer for children? I suppose back then that was considered miniature. The tiger logo means it’s for kids.
  • Ichiro has one mean growl, either that or he is very constipated.
  • Godzilla body slamming a large praying mantis looking thing with ease, like Hulk Hogan bodyslamming Andre the Giant.
  • Monster Island is like a Jurassic Park gone wrong.
  • Minya must be the early 70’s version of Barney the Dinosaur.
  • How convenient, the bully and the bad monster have the same name. Ahhh I see the connection that the filmmakers wanted us to make. Clever, clever.
  • Little boys shouldn’t hump the grill of a car, especially one that’s being sold.
  • Godzilla must be a really good soccer player.
  • Baby Godzilla looks more like a Sid and Marty Kroft character, and why the hell can it talk? And why do I remember Godzilla’s kid being named Godzooki? Was that a Scooby Doo episode or am I just dreaming?
  • Young monsters shouldn’t smoke, all they can do is make smoke rings/plus it stunts their growth.
  • Are there any monsters on Monster Island that get a long with each other?
  • Planes that have very bad aim are easy to swat down.
  • Did you know that stepping on a lizards tail makes them breath fire?
  • Uh oh, be careful, the red mohawk is glowing, what a shocker!!
  • Apparently child abuse is allowed on the Monster Island.
  • Monster catapult – Score about a 3.5 on the landing. The Russian judge is tough.
  • Anyone else think that Ichiro is a dead ringer for the kid named Russell in the movie Up?
  • The criminals in this movie must be some of the most clumsy people ever.
  • Slow/stop motion kid fight that looks more like a forbidden dance than anything.
  • That a boy Ichiro make friends with the bullies by being one. Real smart thinking.

Dreadful Dialogue:

“No I wasn’t, I had a frat tire and the spare wasn’t even there.”

“Godzilla says that we have to fight our own battles and not be cowards.”

“Hey that car looks familiar; hey it’s my car.”

Final Word:

First of all let me say that I watched several Godzilla movies growing up. I don’t remember all the names of them, but I distinctly remember that awful growling noise that he always made.I was hoping as the title sequence rolled through, that we would have the opportunity to see all the monsters that were featured. Apparently, this movie was clipped together from pieces and parts of other Godzilla movies. And let me just get this out of the way, I hated…hated the Minya character. And with a passion too. All I could think about was Sigmund the Sea Monster when it was on the screen. I t moved exactly the same and had almost exactly the same voice. Oh yeah, and did I mentioned that it talked. Stupid. The music was exactly what you’d expect from an early 80’s movie. The acting wasn’t all that bad, but everyone had to work with such a cheesy script to begin with. I was never a huge Godzilla fan, so the lore of Godzilla escapes me. The three bipedal monsters were obviously people in costume, in fact I could have sworn that I saw the Godzilla head piece life up at least once. This film would be worth it just to watch only once if you were in to Godzilla. It doesn’t deserve any more than one viewing however. With that said, I give this film a rating of 2.5 turds, I would say it’s about middle of the road as far as terrible goes.

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Introducing: Zombie Lake (1981)

2145944For the past two months, I have been waiting in anticipation for one of my favorite TV shows, AMC’s, The Walking Dead. I love it. Zombies are the cool thing these days and movies that feature them will be hitting television and movie screens over the course of the next year. So, to prepare myself for the upcoming episode of the Walking Dead, I searched for the word zombie on Netflix streaming. The first selection to come up was Zombie Lake, a French movie made in 1981. I quickly found the film on Rotten Tomatoes as well and I knew I was in for a long evening when there wasn’t even a critic rating listed, and had an audience rating of 18%. And I definitely wasn’t disappointed. My suggestion to anyone else who wants to queue this zombie flick up, is to acquint yourself with the list of important details that we have graciously provided so that you can watch it on fast forward and not have to totally waste 92 minutes of your time.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Jean Rollin

Starring: Howard Vernon, Antonio Mayans, Pierre-Marie Escourrou

Rated: NR

Tagline: God help us if they rise again!

Number of Continuity Flaws: at least 24 or any scene that involved the mayor

During a small skirmish outside of a small German village, German soldiers are shot, killed, and then thrown in the lake. Several years later those soldiers mysteriously return in the form of zombies that are hungry for naked girls and anyone else who gets in their way. The zombies roam freely around the village while the villagers try to thwart their attack with useless firearms. A flashback sequence tells the story of one German soldier’s deflowering of a local woman and the subsequent offspring that happens as a result of it. Both father and mother die and the young child, Helena, is left an orphan. Returning back to the present day setting of the movie, the girl’s father has now been transformed into a zombie but amazingly enough has the memory of his long lost daughter and develops a relationship with her. Creepy. Seeing how the zombies respond to her “father” gives her an idea that will help save the village from becoming inevitable Zombie Snacks.

Make sure you don’t miss:

  • Porno style bells and chimes music to opening credits.
  • Boobs!!
  • I wasn’t aware that beavers sunned themselves on logs.
  • Dirty ponds with lily pads above water, turn into bright blue swimming pools when one goes underwater.
  • Gotta love English dubbing.
  • Spank it, spank it, oh yes you naughty girl. Spank that washing.
  • Warning to women #1:  Beware of local zombies, they will slobber blood all over you.
  • After being shot dead, fire has the ability to bring the dead back to life so they can run away.
  • Time for a roll in the hay – Boobs! – You can only have so much fan with your pants on. Watch out for the belt buckle.
  • Great piece of acting from a grieving wet nurse. I smell an OSCAR!!!
  • Van full of giggly young women – cue Benny Hill music here.
  • Boobs! x 8
  • Warning to women #2:  Skinny dipping in a lake riles up underwater zombies.
  • They’ve been in the water so long, their zombie paint is wearing off.
  • It’s not everyday, a topless girl runs into the local cafe, at least none I’ve never been to. Unfortunately.
  • Zombie father with a fresh coat of face paint and daughter reunion, how sweet.  And, wow that zombie has an incredible memory and coordination for being dead for 10+ years.
  • Zombie make out session with cop – ewwww…
  • Live zombie make out session in barn – disturbingly more gross – and they didn’t have the green face paint
  • Excuse me miss, your garter is showing.
  • Zombies emerging from the water – cool scene – all except for the one over actor on the far left
  • Try your best to refrain from a lame Michael Jackson, Thriller reference. – It’s close to midnight, and something evils’ lurking in the dark – Dammit!
  • Zombies foam at the mouth when shot?
  • Zombie v Zombie: Quick somebody call Vince McMahon – I’ve got a new Wrestlemania match for him to consider.
  • Wallpaper doesn’t look so great on doors.
  • Warning to women #3: Stopping to take a picture during a zombie attack could lead to your demise.
  • Mmmm…Zombies love tomato soup, oops, I mean blood.
  • Flamethrower for the win. I wonder if Zombies taste like chicken?
  • Cue the tears…and…FIN!

Best Dubbed over Quotes:

“Let’s get away from this heap of hicks.”

“We’d better face the fact: the zombies have declared war. Those two cops were skeptical. Our fate’s now in our own hands. We must find a way to safeguard our town from the mad, murdering zombies’

“Ah ha…yeah…let’s go get ’em. Yeah…ahhhh…let’s go.”

“Not him Grandma, he fought them off, he saved my life.”

“Bring me a whole lot of fresh blood.”

Final Thoughts:

Let me begin by saying, this film is atrocious. I don’t have the time to list all the minor flaws that are in this movie. Let me just start with one obvious and very disturbing flaw, the zombies. The makeup was absolutely horrendous and unforgivable. The zombies faces were painted a deep shade of green and in some some scenes, the makeup was completely rubbed off of their faces. And the most inexcusable zombie flaw was the storyline of the father/daughter reunion. Zombies are dead, have no feelings, and just have one thing on their mind, food. One particular zombie in this film not only has a memory of a daughter he left behind, but remembers where she lives, and is nimble and coordinated enough to take off a necklace from his neck and place it around hers. Awful, awful, awful…The Walking Dead it’s not.

Second aspect of the film that I couldn’t get past was the constant continuity issues, and there were many, this flick had. Characters flitted from one scene to another each with a different wardrobe change and  just showed up out of nowhere to say a line or inject themselves into the scene. Many scenes were completely pointless.

The soundtrack sounded as if two eight-year olds were let loose in a music store and were given free reign to play with the instruments. And by that description, I think I gave the soundtrack some justice. Then there was the nudity, and plenty of it. Now, I’m appreciative of a good looking nude female body just as much as the next guy, but even that couldn’t save this movie. These flaws have led me to give this movie a 4.5 turd rating out of 5 turds. One of the worst movies I have ever seen.

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Introducing: MegaShark vs Crocosaurus (2010)

Giant and abnormally sized animals usually don’t make for a great movie premise. Think of all those movies we’ve seen over the years with giant ants, spiders, anacondas, etc. These types of movies are not blockbuster caliber, but usually make for a good chance to sit back and unwind and enjoy the hump day. What a great way to just let your mind go and be entertained. That’s when I had my curiosity peaked when the title Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus crept across my “Recommended” listings on Netflix. (An embarrassing fact about my  somewhat lack of taste in my Netflix viewing habits apparently.) As I cranked up this movie however, I was in for a night of cheesy acting and many a plot hole – just what a B-movie needs. I hadn’t counted on something like this however. Take my advice and watch through this film with the fast forward button pressed firmly.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Christopher Ray

Starring: Jaleel White, Gary Stretch, Robert Picardo

Tagline: Whoever wins…We lose!

Rated: R

Number of scenes reused: 4

In this sequel to the ever-so-popular, “Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, an over-sized, prehistoric crocodile emerges from a cave to gobble up people and look for a place to lay its eggs. Meanwhile, a large prehistoric shark, a Megalodon, is disturbed by some experimental sonar sounds that make it go bat shit crazy. While both creatures wreak havoc over their respective surroundings, a team of scientists and naval officers look for a way to destroy both animals. The crocodile is captured and is accidentally let loose during transport, which was conveniently where the Megalodon was roaming the seas. After the croc lays her eggs, the shark decides that a diet of naval sailors wasn’t fulfilling enough and makes its way to snack on the  newly laid crocodile eggs. This pisses the croc off and they battle each other out to sea while the scientists work out a plan to lure them into a specific area to blow them up using a nuclear submarine.

What you want to watch for:

  • Warning!! This is a film made by The Asylum.
  • Hey Master, what accent are you going for there, Australian? Red-neck? Australian Red-Neck?
  • Giant crocodile that would make Ray Harryhausen proud
  • Oh my god, it’s Steve Urkel!
  • Wow, that’s a big ass shark.
  • Remember that scene from Free Willy when Willy jumps over the embankment? Imagine that scene with a battleship and a shark.
  • So is that considered jumping the shark?
  • Nice wild boar backpack
  • Don’t know which is worse, the acting or the CGI?
  • Smart idea. Let’s jump in the water with both a giant shark and a giant crocodile.
  • What? Kids on an isolated island out in the middle of the ocean? Okay I’m lost. Where did they wash up exactly?
  • Umm…Flying shark? With a missile in it’s mouth.
  • How does this crocodile keep changing size? Now it’s bigger than a science museum?
  • Godzilla! Godzilla!
  • Mmmmm…Shamu snack
  • Shark eating a submarine like a dog fetching s stick.
  • First Orlando, then Panama, California, and off to Hawaii. Just how fast are those creatures moving?
  • One nuclear sub, down the hatch. Stay out of the way of that burp.
  • Crocodile seems to be in two or three places at once
  • I think my head is starting to spin.
  • How convenient that there is an unmanned raft just sitting on the beach?
  • Didn’t we just see that scene? And again? And again?
  • Not sure what the hell just happened.  Something about a volcano, a nuclear sub and two large animals fighting. Long story short…one big explosion, all dead.
  • The End, and god bless.

Dynamic Dialogue:

“Who wants an omlette that big?”

“Either dig deeper and tell me you love me, or undo the handcuffs and let me do it myself.”

“We don’t have a cage or tank big enough.”

“I suggest you bring your hydrosonic balls with you.”

“The shark has gone nuclear.”

“Listen here, you fake ass pirate!”

“Sir, the creatures are toast.”

Wow, that’s about all I can say after watching this movie. This movie is a total piece of poo. It was like watching 88 minutes of random events that lead and no timeline to speak of. You would think that all of these events would have happened in a matter of two days and covered nearly the whole globe. What a stupid, stupid movie. Did anyone do an ounce of research for this movie? What it be so much to possibly explain the existence of these two creatures? Where did they come from and why are they still alive? How is the Croc able to reproduce? Is this reptile all of a sudden asexual?

I realize that this was a low-budget straight to video and probably right on to the Syfy Network movie made by The Asylum, who are notorious for bad movies, but this one is ridiculous. The lame attempt at CGI was inexcusable throughout most of the movie. I’ve seen better special effects from YouTube videos made by middle and high school kids. And even though there was some familiar faces cast in the film, their acting was just terrible. The only redeeming quality that I could salvage out of this film would be the soundtrack. Not that it was great, but it actually tried to envoke a tone throughout the film. So, with the soundtrack as the only positive, the movie gets a 4.5 turds out of 5.

It is nice to see that someone tried to make sense of the mess that is the plot and timeline of Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus. This is a helpful infographic about the film from www.staubman.com .

Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

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Raiders of the Living Dead (1986)

 

What can be more exciting around Halloween than zombies? Zombies are a big draw in recent years with TV series like AMC’s “The Walking Dead”, and several big budget films that feature the undead. With that thought in mind, now think back to the days of your youth when we all would stay up late to watch “Up All Night” on the USA Network. We stayed up late because we knew those B-movies were cheesy, and although edited of all the gore and skin, we movies our parents didn’t want us watching. What we tend to forget however, was the fact there were some really crappy movies shown during that segment. I believe that I have uncovered the daddy of them all as it relates to awful B-movies, Raiders of the Living Dead. I thought that might be something related to Halloween in the 85 minutes of film, but I was proven wrong yet again. So, if you are brave enough to search for this movie in your video stream, I suggest that you put it on fast forward and just read through the highlights from the movie we’ve provided. Trust me, you’ll get more for the highlights than you would from the film anyway.

Streaming on: Hulu+

Directed by: Samuel Sherman

Starring: Scott Schwartz, Robert Deveau, Donna Asali, Bob Allen

Tagline: They hunt down Zombies who feed on Human meals.

Number of soundtrack sales:  Zero!

Synopsis:

As the film begins, a terrorist hijacks a tank truck and takes it, the driver, and some casual hostages into a chemical plant, where he is overpowered and killed by a tough black cop with a bit of a strut. Why do I mention this? I don’t know as it has nothing, and I mean nothing to do with the rest of the film. A newspaper reporter follows a story out to an old correctional institute where he believes something unnatural is going on. After he is chased from the facility by something scary, he is bound and determined to get to the bottom of what he saw. Not worried one bit that the lady he went out there with is now a zombie snack. After being picked up on the road by a “concerned citizen”, Morgan the reporter, develops a crush for his savior and together they go out and laugh uncontrollably at a Three Stooges movie.(At this point, you might be starting to wonder, what is the point of this movie? Trust me, I watched the whole thing and still don’t know.)

Enter Jonathan, a budding Einstein who likes to take apart old electronics and accidentally make a laser gun out of it. After a series of choppy events, Morgan ends up boarding up for the night at the home of Jonathan and his grandfather, who tells them both of his suspicions about the zombies. To make a long, drawn out, boring story short, after learning that a doctor was bringing corpses back to life via his experiments (for not explained reasons) Morgan, grandfather, and Jonathan return to the island of zombies and clean house. Oh yes, all with the help of Jonathan’s supped up laser gun.

What you Would be Missing:

  • Corny soundtrack. This soundtrack is all over the place right from the get go. Adventurous? Whimsical? 80’s Prime Time?
  • Remember when cell phones had an antenna as long as your arm?
  • Stupid terrorist vs cocky black cop in cat and mouse game through a power plant ends in a shocking result.
  • Long scene of the tearing apart of a Laser Disc player…and some really crappy music. That kid can really go to town with a pair of needle nosed pliers, a screwdriver, and some electrical tape.
  • WARNING REMOVAL OF COVER EXPOSES HAZARDOUS VOLTAGES! Stupid kid.
  • One dead hamster. Way to take one for the team Felix. No doubt the best acting in the movie so far.
  • Good lord, the girl is an even worse actor than anyone else. Listening to their flirtacious banter back and forth is enough to throw up in your mouth.
  • Zombie attack
  • Ahh…the days when someone could walk into a gun store, purchase a snub nosed rifle and walk out with it.
  • Does anyone really laugh that hard at a Three Stooges movie?
  • Surely in 1986, films were able to create better visual laser effects than this.
  • Long sequences without any dialogue, don’t know why I’m complaining the dialogue hasn’t done anything for the film up to this point.
  • Old lady with a lisp telling local history. She looks as though she might be a zombie herself.
  • The cutaways are almost as if there were commercial breaks in the film.
  • Has there been any mention about how bad the music is?
  • Zombie Attack!! Just what exactly are they doing to that poor guy? Use your gun dummy, use your gun!
  • Apparently church bells are a zombie alarm clock.
  • Zombies appear randomly out of different doors in the prison, followed by a montage of lame zombie killings.
  • Oh come on, lasers and arrows won’t kill zombies. Everyone knows that you have to shoot them in the head.
  • What? That’s the end? What the hell just happened? Be damned sure that I’m not going to rewind and watch again to find out.

Quality Dialogue:

“You look like a guy who has a pretty interesting story if a person wanted to pry.”

“I know it sounds crazy, but I think someone has found a way to bring dead bodies back to life.”

“Hear the footsteps, noises at night.- Something’s burning, fire burning bright. – Keeps getting closer, chills me to my soul. – They come to get me, hear the Devil call. – The Dead are after me! – I said the Dead are after me!”

Let me sum up this film quickly and painlessly – TOTAL SHITE! I realize that there wasn’t much of a budget to make the film, but come on. This one is really BAD. The script seemed as though is was made up on the fly as they were filming as there were many, many continuity issues, bad editing,  and plot holes. The acting was nothing short of atrocious as well as the dialogue. But the absolute worst part of the film in my opinion was the very awkward and undeniably horrible soundtrack. The film was filled with bad 80’s TV drama music that didn’t match the film at all. And what made it worse was that there were several scenes of no dialogue (even though things were going on) and it was filled with this crappy music. Ugh… Without question, this film gets the ultimate 5 out of 5 turds.

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Introducing: Troll (1985)

With Halloween coming just around the corner, I wanted to get my fill of monster movies in to prepare myself for all the upcoming tricks and treats. My first movie of the Halloween season was monster filled classic, Troll. Having already seen Troll 2 earlier this year, I was very curious as to how the “worst franchise in movie history” began. And how could I go wrong with this cast? Sonny Bono, Elaine from Seinfeld, Timmy’s mom from Lassie, Atreayu from NeverEnding Story, and some Carol Anne from Poltergeist look alike. So, I ventured forth and set aside 82 minutes to devote to the viewing of this Halloween must see. If you would rather spend your time having a seizure to the song “Summertime Blues” then I have left you with some quick notes over the film so that you don’t miss a thing.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: John Carter Beuchler

Starring: Noah Hathaway, Michael Moriarty, Shelley Hack, Sonny Bono, Julia Louise-Dreyfuss

Tagline: Apartment for Rent. Inquire Within…

Rated: PG-13

Number of Michael Moriarity dance scenes: 1

Torak, a troll fairy (I know kind of a weird combination huh?) sets out to recreate a fairy universe from centuries past in hopes that it will lead to his ruling of the human world. He accomplishes this by kidnapping adorable little Wendy Anne and shapeshifting into her body, and posing as her throughout their new apartment complex. Torak-turned-Wendy Anne finds her way into the apartments of the buildings tenants only to appear as the troll, and with the help of a magical green ring, turn the tenants into a fern garden that sprouts more little trolls. Harry Potter Jr. (yep, that’s right) suspects that his sister is not quite what she seems to be and after meeting with an old fairy princess from the floor above, Harry is determined to save his sister and foil Torak’s plans.

What you would be Missing:

  • Uh oh, not good to start the film with a girl singing a lame song in a dubbed in voice. The director could have at least asked her to move her mouth.
  • Hello there hairy troll in the basement
  • Harry Potter? Oh great not another wizard movie.
  • Hello there hairy troll on the next floor, oh oops…that’s Sonny Bono.
  • Sonny Bono is changing in to Ron Jeremy who is changing in to a pickle, who changes into a forest, that spawns a troll doll, baby creature from Black Lagoon, and Don King. Yeah it looks as stupid as it sounds.
  • Strange apartment complex first a troll, then a live mushroom that looks like a penis with eyes.
  • Just when you think pink walls can’t get any uglier, the neighbor sports his rattlesnake wallpaper.
  • Disturbing little Michael Moriarity dance number…Yikes!
  • Anybody else feel uncomfortable about a little girl walking in to strange men’s apartments uninvited?
  • Despite the stupidity of it all, the troll is pretty scary looking.
  • And there goes another neighbor turned into forest of bad animatronic puppets.
  • Hey no fair, I do believe Harry Jr. is watching a better movie than I am at the moment.
  • First dancing from Moriarity and now a musical number from a bunch of trolls, a midget reciting The Faerie Queen, and a singing penis.
  • To be truthful, all those trolls look like the Ghoulies, I almost thought that it was a sequel to this.
  • Poor June Lockhart is a long way from Lassie.
  • The knock at the door sounded pre-pubescent? Is she used to young boys knocking on her door? Cougar!
  • Young boy wants to be trained as a wizard and his name just happens to be Harry Potter, I think that would make a good book.
  • Oh okay, it’s a mushroom, not a penis.
  • Animated sparkles and a half-naked Julie Louis-Dreyfuss(s), what more could a guy want?
  • That was a mean Mr. Troll, as if Malcom wasn’t tiny enough, you’ve changed him into an even smaller troll. And he was supposed to be your friend.
  • Ahhh…the back story of the troll and his bad intentions. Now it’s all coming together and starting to make sense…*cough*BULLCRAP*cough*.
  • I always thought that June Lockhart’s acting resembled that of a tree stump and now we have proof.
  • I’m thinking that Torak’s green ring has more cinematic appeal than the Green Lantern’s.
  • Big bat troll on the loose and he looks pissed.
  • TROUPE ALERT!! Bad guy saves the day by killing his own evil creation.
  • And away the family goes off to their new town, Nilbog. (Yes that was a Troll 2 reference)

Dynamic Dialogue:

“I’d rather watch Star Trek. Phasers on dull.”

“Have you been playing with dead cats?”

“I’m in to swinging and children having pillow fights at all hours of  the night while I’m trying to score might cause me a few strikeouts.”

“You can forget the milk honey, he’s in to gin and tonics.”

“Can I come in, I think I’m going to throw up”

“Buzz off you little creeps.”

“Someone probably had their stereo on too loud. Probably one of those kids.” – Good rule of thumb, if in doubt, blame the kids!

Just to be clear, Troll 2, the notoriously so-bad-it’s-hilarious sequel has absolutely no connection to this movie at all. In fact the trolls are referred to as goblins. Nevertheless, this movie is pretty cheesy and the acting isn’t all that great, but there are some enjoyable parts. This would be the perfect scary movie for the 8-10 year old crowd. But if you are looking for some sort of blood and gore slash-fest or a scream flick for your All Hallows Eve get together, this one isn’t for you. I can’t quite give this the dreaded 4 or 5 turds, the mark of reel crap, and I can’t really say that it was all that good either. So, I’ll stick with somewhere in the middle on this one. The 1985 version of Troll gets 3 turds from me. On the good side, I have seen rumors that there is a remake coming on the horizon in the near future.

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Class of Nuke ‘Em High (1986)

You just got home and you are tired from a long day of work. You want to just sit back, relax, and watch a toxic spill horror flick that wrecks havoc on a high school building and the students inside it. Well, if you find one that is any good, please let me know, because the one that I had to sit and suffer through was itself a nuclear meltdown.

So that you don’t have to spend 85 minutes of your down time at the end of the day,  instead use it to draw on your face and place crochet hoops through your nose, I watched this film for you.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Richard W. Haines and Samuel Weil

Starring: Jamelle Brady, Gilbert Brenton, Robert Prichard

Tagline:  It rotted their bodies. It corrupted their minds. And thats’s the good news.

Tromaville is home to not only a nuclear power plant whose safety inspections have been non-existent, but a high school full of unruly and downright stupid juvenile delinquents right next door to it. When the power plant has an accident that goes ignored, some chemicals begin to seep, gurgle, and bubble their way onto the school grounds. When the school nerd drinks toxic water from the water fountain and then plunges to his death out of a window, do people start to notice that weird things are beginning to happen. Not only have the Honor Society students turned into a gang of body painting and piercing thugs with no conscience (known as the Cretins), but the student’s hormones have gone into supreme overdrive – or perhaps that’s just teenagers in general. The story centers around do-gooders Chrissy and Warren, a couple who wish to remain celibate so as not to pressure the other. Until…they are forced to take a hit from a joint made of radioactive marijuana bought from the Cretins. Then all hell breaks loose. In their “atomic high”, their inhibitions go out the door and have a lustful two minutes together and then have horrendous hallucinations that night. Chrissy ends up pregnant and coughs up a creature into the toilet which makes it’s way down the school’s septic system, conveniently into a vat of dripping ooze which helps it grow to full strength. When The Cretins stage a take over of the high school, it’s Warren’s job to save Chrissy who has been kidnapped by them for no apparent reason. It’s then the mutants job to do a little housekeeping of it’s own and disposes of the band of punks in various and gory ways.

What you would have seen:

  • A Troma Team Release – that means it’s going to suck.
  • Chemical waste. Why does everything start with chemical wastes?
  • We’re part of the nuclear generation. Have a nice day!
  • Tromaville High School – Probably the most diverse student body on planet Earth
  • It’s going to be a long day when the nerd goes bat shit crazy. The stunt man was obviously more muscular than the nerd.
  • Nuke ‘Em High theme song and Nightmare music by Biohazard
  • Hoops in the nose, spike on the head, boobs on a boy, my the yuppies were much different than when I went to school.
  • I’m guessing that one side effect of the nuclear plant is that no one ever graduates from high school. It’s student body looks to have an average age of about 26.
  • Uranium lunchboxes for plant workers, how cute.
  • Atomic high, that marijuana is definitely laced with something.
  • Every fraternity house looks like a disco club on the inside right?
  • Boobs!
  • Pass around the radioactive joint – Somone’s getting lucky at this party
  • Uh oh, looks like someone took too many of those little blue pills before going to bed. Call a doctor if that lasts longer than four hours.
  • Nice minature model
  • German teacher got just a bit wild with her eyeliner.
  • Don’t make me angry, you won’t like me when I’m angry. That’ll teach you to try and punch a radioactive mutant.
  • Note to self, don’t eat the worm from the tequila. I think she just barfed a tadpole with a face.
  • Urine sample right to the eyes.
  • Radioactive isotope samples in a high school chem lab?
  • Who says women can’t pee standing up?
  • Swirly!!
  • Seriously, what is growing out of that guy’s face?
  • Never a wise idea to stick your hand into a bubbling vat of green goo. But your whole head? Come on…
  • Popeye’s Chicken, Blimpie Subs, 3M Office Supplies – gratuitous product placement
  • I have never wanted a character to be gone so much in a movie as Mr. Ring in the Nose.
  • For God’s sake, did every 80’s movie have a montage?
  • That’s a face only a mother could love. A cross between the Predator and a porcupine. Somebody get that thing a Kleenex.
  • Whoa pretty colors. Starting to think I’m the one who took the hit from the atomic joint.
  • The chem teacher was right, those radioactive isotopes will blow up the whole school. – Nice stock footage of some random building falling down thrown in.

Academy Award Caliber Dialogue:

“I don’t give a wet fart what you think, this plant stays open!”

“Make like a hockey stick and get the puck outta here.”

“You ever seen a cockroach and go, ‘Yuck’? Well, you’re the kind of guy that can make the cockroach go ‘Yuck’.”

“My back teeth are floating, I gotta take a leak.”

The only redeeming quality that this movie had was the fact that the most annoying character was disposed of albeit not soon enough for me. I will say that the last half of the movie was better than the way too slow first half but that’s like saying, “After puking four times, the extreme case of diarrhea I had after wasn’t all that bad.” And it’s because of this that I give Class of Nuke ‘Em High 4 turds out of 5 however runny they may be.

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