Tag Archives: nudity

Introducing: Bloody Birthday (1981)

bloody birthday coverThis week marks a large milestone for our little piece of heaven on the web we have here. This week, we turn one year old! A whole year and my how we’ve grown. Unfortunately, haven’t matured a whole heck of a lot and our taste in movies hasn’t gotten any better either. So to celebrate our impending first birthday, I’ve decided to watch a classic piece of masterful cinema about a birthday, the film, Bloody Birthday. I mean what better way to celebrate your birthday with a cheesy movie about killer kids? How can one go wrong with that surefire premise. Right? If one wanted to spend about 83 minutes of mindless movie watching, this one just might take the cake (pun intended). To help, we’ve listed the most important things to take away from the film.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Ed Hunt

Starring: Lori Lethin, Melina Cordell, Billy Jacoby, Andy Freeman, Elizabeth Hoy, K.C. Martel

Rated: R

Tagline: The Nightmare Begins with the Kids Next Door

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 0% Critics – 41% Audience

Number of

Plot: Three children are born during a solar eclipse and have their blood lust seemingly awakened ten years later. They begin to leave a bloody trail of friends and family in their small community. It’s a classmate and neighbor kid who seems suspicious of them and along with his older sister, try their best to stop the three little heathens.

Things you won’t want to miss:

  • No budget wasted on the opening credits that’s for sure – plain white lettering on black with a creepy piano playing in the background.
  • It’s a boy, it’s girl, and it’s a boy! With a birth, shouldn’t dilation be getting bigger?  Oops, nevermind it’s a lunar eclipse.
  • Boobs!
  • Ohhh baby, loving the pink ribbon tied around the neck. What a hottie!
  • Ah, remember the good old days of school? When children sat quietly in rows and police officers could come and interrogate them about the local murder?
  • Boobs!
  • Careful little fellas, you’re liable to make another hole on that wall a little lower.
  • Dancing sister really likes the color red (bra – when she’s wearing it, panties, pants, and halter top)
  • For a ten year old boy, that is sixty cents well spent.
  • Little Steven is trying to show off for his girlfriend by having batting practice with her dad’s head. How romantic.
  • Hide and Seek is a lot of fun until someone gets locked in a refrigerator. Thankfully for Timmy he’s a young MacGyver.
  • Even at ten years old, girls are already crazy about scrapbooking.
  • You can tell it’s the early 80’s when teachers are more concerned about being snuck upon than having a gun pointed at their face.
  • Sometimes paper towels can’t decide if they want to be on the floor or not.
  • Play Doctor? Sounds like little Debbie has a secret crush on Timmy, the little rascal.
  • First a dead teacher falls on you and then a random car tries to run her over in a junkyard. Poor Joyce is not having a very good day.
  • Who knew Saturn was so important to the morals and virtues of mankind.
  • Important Note to Parents #1: Plastering posters of Deborah Henry and Erik Estrada on the bedroom walls will make your teens horny.
  • Boobs, butt, and BANG!
  • Did the clown steal the “I CAN’T SAY NO” t-shirt from the red bra and panties sister?
  • Damn it, that cake looked good too.
  • Be careful with that arrow, you’ll shoot your eye out!
  • Apparently Nugget the dog needs another eye as well.
  • Now Steven, we all saw you take a glance over at the camera (1:12:13)
  • Kind of hard to strangle someone when their boob gets in the way.
  • Nice shot, right through Eddie Van Halen’s head!
  • Most creative way of stopping a killer, dump a smelly fish bowl over his head.
  • After shooting thirteen bullets, that six-shooter should be empty.

Killer Quotes:

“You wanna play ambulance?”

“That bell does not mean that you are dismissed, it is a signal only for me to dismiss you.”

“Honestly Beverly, he’s got a mind like an X-Rated soap opera.” (Is there such a thing?)

“But what if she catches us?” – “No way. Her brains are in her bra.”

“You wanna play doctor?”

“Watch what you’re saying, he’s never told a lie in his life.” (Well then, just your typical 10 year old I guess.)

“Don’t worry mommy, from now on I’m going to be a good little girl.”

THE FINAL WORD:

If I could sum this film up in one word it would be…creepy. Creepy because of the premise of the film and creepy because unfortunately, there could be some kids today that have the same thoughts as the three young serial killers in the movie. This is definitely a movie that would not have been made today due to the content and the current state of our nation. One could also argue that creepy would also describe the trio of young actors at the center of the film. They were actually pretty good. In fact, the best acted part of the whole film was the child actors. Billy Jacoby played the sadistic, evil, and smart, Curtis, particularly well and has a psychotic look in his eye. One scene in particular that made me appreciate a couple of other child actors was one in which two of them were sitting on their porch discussing the murder of a friend. The hurt in their eyes looked genuine. The adults in the film were just there as fluff and to give them someone to kill. As a whole, the film is morbidly entertaining. The dialogue is nothing spectacular and the script has about as much disregard for the plot as the child killers did for their victims. The music was a hacked up mixture of Jaws and Friday the 13th but not distracting. If that isn’t enough, then have fun seeing the clothes, household furniture and surroundings, and other items that were reminiscent of the early 80’s. Call it generosity due to our own birthday or a macabre personality, but I actually had some fun with this movie. A lot of similarities to another film we watched earlier called The Children. The movie gets 1.5 turds and I suggest that others give it a chance.

bloody birthday capture 001

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Introducing: Bikini Spring Break (2012)*

*WARNING – THIS POST IS DEFINITELY FOR MATURE READERS.

bikinispringbreak_largeDuring my college years, my roommates and I looked forward to what we considered the most entertaining time of the year. No, it wasn’t the NCAA basketball tournament, although that was and still is a priority. It was the one time all year that we could just get a little wild and step away from our regular routines of school and work. When everyone had a beer in their hand and fun on their minds, when every guy who was a douchebag could get away with being a douchebag, when good looking girls would do naughty things that they would later have to apologize about, when a bunch of horned up young adults would do whatever they could for the sake of fun and the hopes of getting laid.  I’m talking of course about the week of Spring Break! Oh, those memories of trips to ski resorts and beach resorts with friends are some that I will never forget. Unfortunately, I had to grow up and now Spring Break is just another week in the year, and my girlfriend and I’s idea of a good time is going out to eat at a fancy restaurant and watching a movie on the couch before having to go back to work the next day. This year, the world of streaming video introduced us to the film “Bikini Spring Break” from The Asylum studio. Now if that alone doesn’t tell you, “BAD MOVIE ALERT!!”, than I don’t know what does.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Jared Cohn

Starring: Rachel Alig, Robert Carradine, Virginia Petrucci, Erica Drake

Rated: R

Tagline: Sweet small town girls, until…

Number of gratuitous breast shots: 32, but hey, who’s counting?

A junior college marching band gets invited to participate at Nationals in Florida, but only after accidentally exposing themselves on the big screen at their football game, which doesn’t make since knowing that football is played in the fall and Spring Break is in the spring. Anyway…on their way to Florida, the marching band bus breaks down and the five girls have to find a way to raise enough money to themselves to the competition. Of course, beings that it is Spring Break time, they are immersed coincidentally in an environment of strip clubs, jello wrestling, and wet t-shirt contests that make the opportunity for money making possible.

What you will see:

  • Boobs! and only six seconds in.
  • Give a stupid girl a video camera in a locker room full of women in various states of undress and you don’t expect something to happen?
  • Short bus turning into a long bus, back into a short bus again.
  • Dumb girl strikes again. Regular gas in a diesel tank, duh everyone knows that about buses. Don’t they?
  • How convenient is it that the first place open to take a group of college girls is a strip club?
  • Dance club montage! And more boobs!
  • Robert Carradine is doing a mighty, mighty fine job of bad acting.
  • Hmmmm…I wonder where those ladies are going to get $2000 only using their body parts and organs? Bet it’s not selling their kidneys.
  • How different would the car washing scene be if they were washing the headlights?
  • Cue the bad CG fire please.
  • Bumblebee chick from car wash doubles as a Spring Break party goer.
  • Anyone else hungry for green jello? Oh wait, it’s not for eating?
  • Stiffler look-a-like and Joey Lawrence clone just happen to be the hosts of every party during Spring Break.
  • I’m guessing it was a four-way tie for the wet t-shirt contest.
  • Does Florida even have mountain areas?
  • Anyone else hear a horrendously bad soundtrack playing in the background throughout the whole movie? It even drowned out the dialogue at times; not that that is a bad thing.
  • Riding a bull topless apparently helps a feisty red-head stay on for a record time. But officer, she was riding so fast that her top just came flying off, it’s was the bull’s fault.
  • The group must be stranded in a one cop town. He seems to be everywhere.
  • CG rain storms are a perfectly good reason to freak out hysterically.
  • Yeah for plastic trophies!!

Damn Bad Dialogue:

“Scholarships? You can get those here?”

“Ok, it’s too bad. Quief you later.”

“See that over there? This town is full of slutty sluttermans and their smutty slutfulness…”

“I am the Jello Queen, bitch!”

“I’m not baring my breasts to a bunch of perverts.”

“Craig is a pole-smoking butt pirate.”

“We’re not freaks, we’re the marching band.”

“My tits are all over the internet.”

The Final Word:

The Asylum is always best known for the no budget knockoffs of big budget movies, hoping to capitalize on some of those film’s popularity. While Bikini Spring Break isn’t a knockoff of a big budget  blockbuster but it was a throw back to the early 80’s and 90’s teen sex comedies. The film’s budget was clearly it’s biggest obstacle to overcome. Some bad editing didn’t do much to save the film either. In one particular scene, the band  has to travel to Florida via a “short bus”, but as they travel there are shots of a regular sized bus that not only changes in size, but also design and even color. The film also falls victim to a strange sense of distance. All the characters seemed to appear conveniently in places together even though they seemed to go in opposite directions. The film follows the five band members, the fact that they are band members means nothing really, but they are quick to lose their tops and playfully bounce up and down in a fit of giggles and squeals. Each of the girls has their own personality even if it involves the Spring Break banning prude; all of which were quite lovely in their own right. The acting isn’t too bad considering the dialogue that they were given. In fact, the most annoying characters were the Stiffler-type character and Robert Carradine’s character, Coach Gill. Bikini Spring Break didn’t have much to offer as a story and considering that it came from The Asylum, my expectations weren’t too high for this film. Maybe that’s why it didn’t really disappoint me to much, well, that and the fact that there wasn’t more than twenty minutes that passed before a pair of breasts came bouncing back onto the screen. Boobs aside, dare I say that this film was somewhat entertaining. So, in honor of the numerous pairs of breasts appearing in the film, I’m giving this film a pair of turds.

bikini spring break 1

Tagged , , , , ,

Introducing: Zombie Lake (1981)

2145944For the past two months, I have been waiting in anticipation for one of my favorite TV shows, AMC’s, The Walking Dead. I love it. Zombies are the cool thing these days and movies that feature them will be hitting television and movie screens over the course of the next year. So, to prepare myself for the upcoming episode of the Walking Dead, I searched for the word zombie on Netflix streaming. The first selection to come up was Zombie Lake, a French movie made in 1981. I quickly found the film on Rotten Tomatoes as well and I knew I was in for a long evening when there wasn’t even a critic rating listed, and had an audience rating of 18%. And I definitely wasn’t disappointed. My suggestion to anyone else who wants to queue this zombie flick up, is to acquint yourself with the list of important details that we have graciously provided so that you can watch it on fast forward and not have to totally waste 92 minutes of your time.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Jean Rollin

Starring: Howard Vernon, Antonio Mayans, Pierre-Marie Escourrou

Rated: NR

Tagline: God help us if they rise again!

Number of Continuity Flaws: at least 24 or any scene that involved the mayor

During a small skirmish outside of a small German village, German soldiers are shot, killed, and then thrown in the lake. Several years later those soldiers mysteriously return in the form of zombies that are hungry for naked girls and anyone else who gets in their way. The zombies roam freely around the village while the villagers try to thwart their attack with useless firearms. A flashback sequence tells the story of one German soldier’s deflowering of a local woman and the subsequent offspring that happens as a result of it. Both father and mother die and the young child, Helena, is left an orphan. Returning back to the present day setting of the movie, the girl’s father has now been transformed into a zombie but amazingly enough has the memory of his long lost daughter and develops a relationship with her. Creepy. Seeing how the zombies respond to her “father” gives her an idea that will help save the village from becoming inevitable Zombie Snacks.

Make sure you don’t miss:

  • Porno style bells and chimes music to opening credits.
  • Boobs!!
  • I wasn’t aware that beavers sunned themselves on logs.
  • Dirty ponds with lily pads above water, turn into bright blue swimming pools when one goes underwater.
  • Gotta love English dubbing.
  • Spank it, spank it, oh yes you naughty girl. Spank that washing.
  • Warning to women #1:  Beware of local zombies, they will slobber blood all over you.
  • After being shot dead, fire has the ability to bring the dead back to life so they can run away.
  • Time for a roll in the hay – Boobs! – You can only have so much fan with your pants on. Watch out for the belt buckle.
  • Great piece of acting from a grieving wet nurse. I smell an OSCAR!!!
  • Van full of giggly young women – cue Benny Hill music here.
  • Boobs! x 8
  • Warning to women #2:  Skinny dipping in a lake riles up underwater zombies.
  • They’ve been in the water so long, their zombie paint is wearing off.
  • It’s not everyday, a topless girl runs into the local cafe, at least none I’ve never been to. Unfortunately.
  • Zombie father with a fresh coat of face paint and daughter reunion, how sweet.  And, wow that zombie has an incredible memory and coordination for being dead for 10+ years.
  • Zombie make out session with cop – ewwww…
  • Live zombie make out session in barn – disturbingly more gross – and they didn’t have the green face paint
  • Excuse me miss, your garter is showing.
  • Zombies emerging from the water – cool scene – all except for the one over actor on the far left
  • Try your best to refrain from a lame Michael Jackson, Thriller reference. – It’s close to midnight, and something evils’ lurking in the dark – Dammit!
  • Zombies foam at the mouth when shot?
  • Zombie v Zombie: Quick somebody call Vince McMahon – I’ve got a new Wrestlemania match for him to consider.
  • Wallpaper doesn’t look so great on doors.
  • Warning to women #3: Stopping to take a picture during a zombie attack could lead to your demise.
  • Mmmm…Zombies love tomato soup, oops, I mean blood.
  • Flamethrower for the win. I wonder if Zombies taste like chicken?
  • Cue the tears…and…FIN!

Best Dubbed over Quotes:

“Let’s get away from this heap of hicks.”

“We’d better face the fact: the zombies have declared war. Those two cops were skeptical. Our fate’s now in our own hands. We must find a way to safeguard our town from the mad, murdering zombies’

“Ah ha…yeah…let’s go get ’em. Yeah…ahhhh…let’s go.”

“Not him Grandma, he fought them off, he saved my life.”

“Bring me a whole lot of fresh blood.”

Final Thoughts:

Let me begin by saying, this film is atrocious. I don’t have the time to list all the minor flaws that are in this movie. Let me just start with one obvious and very disturbing flaw, the zombies. The makeup was absolutely horrendous and unforgivable. The zombies faces were painted a deep shade of green and in some some scenes, the makeup was completely rubbed off of their faces. And the most inexcusable zombie flaw was the storyline of the father/daughter reunion. Zombies are dead, have no feelings, and just have one thing on their mind, food. One particular zombie in this film not only has a memory of a daughter he left behind, but remembers where she lives, and is nimble and coordinated enough to take off a necklace from his neck and place it around hers. Awful, awful, awful…The Walking Dead it’s not.

Second aspect of the film that I couldn’t get past was the constant continuity issues, and there were many, this flick had. Characters flitted from one scene to another each with a different wardrobe change and  just showed up out of nowhere to say a line or inject themselves into the scene. Many scenes were completely pointless.

The soundtrack sounded as if two eight-year olds were let loose in a music store and were given free reign to play with the instruments. And by that description, I think I gave the soundtrack some justice. Then there was the nudity, and plenty of it. Now, I’m appreciative of a good looking nude female body just as much as the next guy, but even that couldn’t save this movie. These flaws have led me to give this movie a 4.5 turd rating out of 5 turds. One of the worst movies I have ever seen.

10949234_gal

Tagged , , , , ,