Tag Archives: Rated R

Introducing: Assault of the Sasquatch

assault of the sasquatch 00Sometimes a lesson at school peaks students’ interests so much, that they go out and find their own information to fill themselves with more knowledge. During a reading lesson, we read about cryptozoologists and how they hunted for mythical creatures such as Bigfoot and Loch Ness Monster. We’ve learned that a good place to find interesting documentaries is Netflix. Sure enough, our search through Netflix turned up at least six different titles pertaining to Bigfoot. One of the titles that popped up was something called Assault of the Sasquatch. Judging a video by it’s cover made this movie look like quite the turd. I couldn’t have been more right.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Andrew Gernhard

Starring: Kevin Shea, Sarah Ahearn, Greg Nutcher, Cristina Santiago

Rated: R

Tagline: New Territory…Fresh Prey.

Rotten Tomatoes: 0% – That should have been a warning.

Number of times fat kid says Sasquatch: 33

A group of bear hunters haul in the ultimate prize while on a hunting excursion, the mythical Sasquatch. With intentions of selling the Sasquatch to a big game collector for one million dollars, the trio soon find out the the Sasquatch means business and kills two of them before the third is arrested. When their vehicle is taken to a run down police station, the Sasquatch escapes and reeks havoc over the town. Two local teens and members of the International Sasquatch Hunters see the creature while peeping on a girl taking a shower, the perv. While having to wander in an unfamiliar territory, the Sasquatch must fight it’s way out, killing everything in it’s path.

Best parts you won’t want to miss:

  • Rednecks with too much ammo isn’t a good way to start a movie.
  • Grandpa has the such a golden smile.
  • Gotta feel safe around those cops that take a weed hit and pop pills before heading to a call.
  • Sasquatch go for onion and broccoli pizzas.
  • I think Grandpa’s eye patch just switched eyes.
  • Sasquatch looks disturbingly like a cross between Rob Zombie, a gorilla suit, and WWE Wrestler Mark Henry.
  • I’m thinking that pizza parlour needs to install a two drink limit.
  • Fat guys should know that horizontal stripes are not very slimming.
  • So how does a Bigfoot climbing on top of a roof?
  • Boobs!
  • Did you see what that little dog was wearing, she deserved to get squashed.
  • Apparently, someone didn’t check the prisoner before putting him in the cell. Not a very good pat down job.
  • Ever feel like you’re being followed by a Bigfoot?
  • That Sasquatch has a pretty good arm. He can throw rocks, tires, and mailboxes with great accuracy.
  • Must be the calmest dad in the world. You daughter just got sucked out the door and kidnapped by a Bigfoot creature, no problem, don’t move and she’ll come back eventually. Let the psycho police receptionist go get her instead.
  • How to fight Bigfoot in hand to hand combat. Kick to chest – Kick to balls – Kick to stomach – Kick to Chest – FINISH HIM!!!
  • I’ll rip your arm off and beat you with the bloody end of it.
  • Crazy secretary’s dried blood on her mouth looks like she just ate a cherry Popsicle.
  • “For some reason we’ve pissed that thing off…” – You think? Knocking it out and stuffing it in a storage truck, can’t imagine why it would be pissed off.
  • Guys with a glandular disorder can easily knock a Sasquatch off it’s feet. He needed that to happen like he needed a hole in the head.
  • Sasquatch javelin throw for the win.
  • Looks like the angry acting classes are starting to pay off. Now if only she hadn’t dropped out of dramatic acting.
  • Sasquatch can make a man’s head turn just like an owl’s.
  • Who knew that only four nails could hold a Sasquatch down?
  • Sasquatch is smart enough to push a button.
  • All this time, and all the Sasquatch wanted a finger to add to his necklace.
  • Could someone please call back the Sasquatch to punch the fat kid in the face again?!

Best Quotes Ever:

“Nighty, night hairball.”

“She’s smart, she’s sexy, she’s smexy.”

“The bathroom is just down the hall and there’s air freshener in the bottom cabinet, just in case you need it.”

“Those things are huge.” – “F*** yeah they’re big, they don’t call him Bigfoot for nothing.

“Did you guys see a Sasquatch? He’s big, he’s hairy, and has boobs.”

“Hands.” – “I was wondering when I was going to get my conjugal visit. Whoa, hey, if you wanted it rough, all you had to do was ask.”

“I wasn’t always just a secretary.”

“You better believe that if you piss off Sasquatch, you’re f****d.”

“Mr. Sasquatch, Mr. Sasquatch, I’m so sorry. But on a side note, it’s such an honor to meet you.”

THE FINAL WORD:

Much in the same vain as Thankskilling, this movie never seems to take itself too seriously and in fact had a tendency to be terrible on purpose.   Between a bodily evisceration and a fist through the head, the deaths add a bit of hilarity to the film, when the acting itself isn’t doing so. The characters are either overtly over dramatic (Don) who screams every line or dull and half asleep (sheriff). The writer of the film has penned himself the part of a horny, grumpy, one-eyed big game hunter. His one-liners are somewhat humorous, but get to be a bit annoying. The most charismatic character would have to be the Sasquatch creature. Although it is an obvious person in an ugly gorilla suit, the ‘Squatch and gratefully made to be the “star” of the film. Which brings us back around to the creative killing of characters. The music is nothing much to write home about and is immediately forgettable. There are several editing boo-boos and any action is hard to keep track of because of either a very tight camera angle or very little lighting. This film is not good and should probably stay hidden like the Sasquatch itself and earns it a 4 turd rating.

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The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies (1964)

If you are in the mood for a good zombie movie with a lot of scares and grotesque scenes of eating brains and munching on humans, then stay totally clear of this complete disaster. Calling this film a B-Movie is giving it two grades higher than it deserves. I had the dubious honor of watching this incredibly strange creature of a film. The good thing is that since I decided to take one for the team, you can now use that 84 minutes to write the lyrics to your own unintelligible song about nothing in particular.

Streaming on: Crackle

Directed by: Ray Dennis Steckler

Starring: Cash Flagg, Carolyn Brandt, Brett O’Hara

Rated: R

Tagline: A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters…

Jerry and his friend, Harold, take his girlfriend on an evening out by going to the local amusement park complete with fortune teller and dance hall full of “strippers”. After visiting the fortune teller and receiving information that was undesirable, Jerry decides to ditch the girlfriend and spend his evening watching the dance hall girls. While watching, Jerry is invited back stage, by the hideouly handsome, Ortega, strange things happen to Jerry that turn him into a cold blooded killer. What about the zombies you ask? Don’t bother.

What you would be missing:

      • One horned up Fortune Teller…with a gigantic mole on her face and a bad fake tan.
      • Maybe if she used that poison on her own face, she might get rid of that mole.
      • Dubbed in scream from what is sure to be an impressive acting performance. For crying out loud lady it’s just a cat. And please God, tell me that’s not the same teddy bear that I had growing up.
      • Two swinging guys riding in a shag’on wagon.
      • Holy hair do! – Nice dramatic chipmunk moment there Angie.
      • Hey let’s go to the amusement park over there. That looks like fun.
      • Probably the most disturbing and annoying ticket vendor I’ve ever seen.
      • Oh those wacky teens, just having a good time. I’ve never felt so giddy and happy that I feel the need to randomly hop like someone lit a firecracker in my ass.
      • A dull and lame stand up comedy routine. Where’s Michael Richards when you need him?
      • And I thought shaky cams in today’s films were nauseating.
      • Wow, who was the set designer on this film…Yikes! Looks like the film was made for $38,000, oh wait, it was.
      • Damn that death card about as terrifying as getting the Old Maid!
      • What a waste of fifty cents.
      • Ortega sure is an ugly fellow, looks like a cross between Oliver Twist’s Fagin and a Walmart $2.00 Halloween mask.
      • We all know those two little boys at the front of the stage are just dying to go in to the stripper show, they sure have been there a long time.
      • Worst carnival show ever. – Am I the only one who can picture Adele recording this song and making it a hit?
      • The three guys in the crowd sure make a lot of noise, considering two of them weren’t clapping.
      • Man she’s good at hypnotism, I almost feel like falling asleep. Oh wait, it actually has nothing to do with her hypnotism techniques – it’s the directors.
      • I’m starting to wonder if this is supposed to be a musical or not. At least four musical numbers so far. No of them worth a damn.
      • Drunk Marge trying to dance again. That didn’t last long. Jerry comes in for the kill. Kill that mannequin, kill that mannequin.
      • Ummm…what the hell was that? I’m going to chalk that up to a filmmaker’s acid trip.
      • Good grief, another song…good thing is, we can’t understand the lyrics to the song.
      • Another dancing and musical number. Milli Vanili have nothing on this chick. She only seems to be in sync with the soundtrack on close up shots. Shick out of Shape? What the hell does that mean?
      • Oh my god, yet another undistinquishable musical number.
      • Harold, what accent is that? You sound like Jean Claude Van Damme and Arnold Schwarzenagger munching on a bag of marbles.
      • Jerry looks like a dead ringer for Eminem in that hoodie. OJ could have taken some tips from him, quite the killing spree without a drop of blood on him.
      • And the reward for most retarded looking and acting zombies goes to…this film!
      • I can totally see African tribes dancing to this same music!
      • There’s those two little kids again, for god’s sake just let them into the show will ya!
      • So, is it customary to bite your knuckles when you scream?
      • This last scene must go on forever.
      • The End…Thank the lord.

Academy Award Winning Dialogue:

“You dirty, filthy pig! So, I belong with the freaks, huh? I’ll fix you so even the freaks won’t look at you.”

“Ortega, Ortega, take him and make him like my other pets!”

“Get your tickets here. Get your tickets, get your tickets, get your tickets here!”

“Clouds affect only the cloudy”

“We have 20 beautiful girls and only ten beautiful costumes!” – Well, that was a lie on both counts.

“Look at the wheel…see how it speens.”

Well, just to let you know, there were zombies eventually. They thankfully entered the film just in time to break up one final dreadful musical number. This movie had quite the array of genres mixed in to one. Unfortunately, none of them worked really well. The film had one of the most appalling cast of actors I think I’ve ever seen. The set was not good nor was the soundtrack. However, I must say that for $38,000 one can’t expect too much. Despite it’s meager budget and lofty expectations, this film is getting the dreaded 5 turds out of 5 from me.

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Dark Tower (1989)

After a long week of work, is anyone interested in watching a movie that centers on a haunted office building with flying tools and some god awful editing shots? Well, lucky for you, I watched it so that you can spend your weekend playing catch the window washer with the family.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Freddie Francis, Ken Wiederhorn

Starring: Michael Moriarty, Jenny Agutter, Kevin McCarthy

Rated: R

Tagline: In a city that never sleeps… this building is a nightmare.

Ambitious, workaholic, business woman, and architect, Carolyn Page, spends many hours in her soon to be completed skyscraper of her own design in Barcelona. When strange events begin to happen, such as the mysterious death of a window washer and the unexplained demise of a security guard (unexplained is not a stretch either), she begins to wonder what is causing the mysterious events. To the rescue comes a detective who has a sixth sense who thinks that a ghost may be the culprit.

What you would be missing:

  • That window washer just can’t get that one spot clean, he’s been washing it for two minutes now.
  • An executive who needs to learn how to catch a little better. It was a dummy falling 29 stories for god sakes.
  • A leading lady who looks like a cross between Lily Tomlin and one of the Terror Dogs from Ghostbusters. “I am Zuul.” Please tell me that if there are boobs in this movie, they are not hers.
  • Somehow somebody dies in an elevator. I watched the damn scene three times and I still have no clue.
  • Again with the elevator?
  • Exec with a gun, that’s never good.
  • Strange guy in the lobby and really bad special effect disappearance. So bad in fact, the scenery in the background freezes after disappearing.
  • My, have our computers come a long way. How did those green characters on a black screen not fry people’s eyeballs out?
  • Did he just rub his junk up against her arm?
  • Alright, enough of the damn elevator!!
  • Moriarty talks with a slur without having to drink that alcohol. It’s painful to listen to him talk.
  • Holy cow, Ms. Agutter’s hair is a constantly changing rat’s nest.
  • That computer must have quite an extensive database and knows everything about everybody. Did it just say that Dr. Gold took a dump three times on Saturday?
  • Oh boy, a clairvoyant detective, this plot just got a lot more…stupid.
  • What a lovely apartment. Turquoise walls, flowery furniture, a huge 10″ box TV, and just the perfect music to put a horny lady in the mood. Or was that part of the soundtrack, lord I hope not.
  • Watch out for the flying metal bars.
  • So, at what point do people start taking the stairs instead of these elevators?
  • Wonderful film editing in between filling glass one and glass two.
  • Great, I have to rewind 10 minutes, I must have dozed off.
  • Don’t you hate it when a mysterious wind blows through your office and ruins everything.
  • Special effect film skip number three.
  • Either Netflix is having some hiccups or this is some REALLLLY bad film quality.
  • Ten minutes of three guys walking aimlessly around an unfinished building.
  • This movie has got to have more dialogue with a character talking to themselves rather than to another character in movie history. I don’t think Tom Hanks talked to himself this much in Castaway.
  • That screwdriver went perfectly right into that pre-cut hole in the crazy doctor’s pant leg. Good aim ghosty, good aim.
  • That Caroline is sure a strong woman to push poor hopeless men all over the place. Must just be a coincidence that those live wires were just hanging loosely on the construction site.
  • Pretty impressive looking monster – doesn’t make the film any better however.
  • Okay, so apparently taking the stairs isn’t much better.
  • And it all ends inside a paper mache wall.
  • Soundtrack music at the end that is creepy than the whole movie. Sounds like one of those $2.00 music CDs of scary music you’d buy at Halloween time.

Can’t miss Dialogue:

“Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action.”

“Finding eternal rest and all that bulls**t. If you ask me, that’ll be too good for the pr**k”

This movie is nothing special to say the least. Despite the casting of Michael Moriarty, even his “acting chops” could not save this dismal film. It was only 91 minutes, but seemed to drown on for 191 minutes instead. The film was cursed with several bits of very bad editing, even the cool looking monster at the end was not enough to save it. This movie just fails.

I am giving the movie 4 out of 5 turds, some especially smelly ones too.

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The Children (1980)

Anyone up for a sci-fi horror flick that will make you want to hug your children tight and pray you don’t get turned into hamburger. What? Sounds totally random, but this movie has just that. Well, I watched it so you wouldn’t have to use 90 minutes of your time, so you could lose your hands doing something else productive.

Streaming on: Hulu+

Directed by: Max Kalmanowicz

Starring: Martin Shakar, Gil Rogers, Gail Garrnett

Tagline: Something terrifying has happened to the children… pray you never meet them!

A gas leak from a nuclear power plant causes a deadly fog that wafts over a county road in Ravensback. After the local school bus drives through the ominous smoke cloud, the noxious gases turn all the kids on board into zombies who are physically uneffected by the fog with the exception of their goth black fingernails. The kid zombies have the ability to now burn adults to a crisp with a simple hug. And who wouldn’t want to give these kids a hug after they were assumed missing. The children quickly charbroil the town’s adults which lead them to the final set of parents. This set of parents, along with the sheriff, don’t take to kindly to the children and attempt to solve the epidemic themselves. After a few gunshots wounds to the chest, a burnt arm, a game of tag that ends up with a charcoal briquet, and some severed hands, the only thing left is to rid the town of these atomic children.

What you would be missing:

  • Slim and Jim, is that really the workers names?
  • Happy kids singing songs of love and adoration to their bus driver. Barf!
  • Hey bus driver, never mind that eerie looking fog wafting across the road.
  • Lesbian lovers and codeine…apparently that’s for another movie.
  • Scary Psycho stabby-stabby music!
  • Funny how flesh burns easier than the polyester clothing.
  • Okay, I think I heard this music in Friday the 13th! Harry Manfredini, you soundtrack regifter.
  • Yikes meet the creepy new deputies in town
  • Boobs!
  • That’s it sheriff, you dump that dope in the pool.
  • My how cell phones have evolved! Every scary movie has to have some pompous douchebag that we can’t wait to see die. Groovy music too douche.
  • Hey dumbass, go around her. How hard can it be?
  • More stabby-stabby music!
  • Sure makes you think twice about hugging a kid from now on.
  • Now that’s what you call a family barbeque!
  • Sign that kid up for the Second Mile program and Penn State is still playing bowl games! – What too soon?
  • Apparently, only kids are effected by this nuclear fog.
  • I’m pretty sure beating on the phone plunger doesn’t give you a dial tone any quicker.
  • So which would be worse, beating a dead horse or shooting a cooked canine?
  • The lady of the General Store sounds like Tom Cat from Tom and Jerry when she dies. (Oops sorry, Spoiler Alert!)
  • And the winner for “Worst Mom of the Year” goes to…Drinking, smoking, and pregnant. Her kid will end up a zombie even without the nuclear power leak.
  • Sheriff is picking off kids like he’s trying to win a stuffed bear at a carnival.
  • When you play tag with a zombie, you never win.
  • Zombies die by cutting off their hands? And apparently they purr and howl as they die too!
  • Could this movie be any darker? What happened to the lighting?
  • Damn the sheriff sure is a tall man.
  • Looks like someone has played a little too much Fruit Ninja. Dude is going wild with that sword!
  • Hands, hands, everywhere!
  • There must have been only six kids in this whole town…oops, spoke too soon, seven. See “Worst Mom of the Year” comment from above. Did I not call that one?
  • Hey, wait a minute. The douchebag didn’t die? What? He’s never seen again. So did the director need some time filler or what?

Memorable Quotes:

“Here’s to the bus driver, the best of them all!”

“A kidnapping in Ravensback, how exciting!”

“Tell us, Harry.” – “Yeah, tell us, Harry.” – “Tell us, Harry.” – “TELL US, HARRY!”

“I’d like to hump that bitch.”

“Hey, hey, hey! Harry the hawk does it again!”

“You just shot a dead dog.”

Despite being burdened with cheesy acting  and a ridiculous premise, this film was rather entertaining. It definitely isn’t good by any means, but there was something to be liked about it. I’m guessing there was some commentary about kids getting back at their parents for the choices that they have made in the past or something. Oh well…no sense in finding logic in this one, might as well rate it instead.  I was somewhat intrigued with the idea of zombie children and was interested throughout. With that said, I am going to give this one 2 turds out of 5.

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