Tag Archives: sci-fi

Introducing: Rodentz (2001)

rodentz coverSummer vacation is here. This gives me some time to relax by playing golf, reading some good books, and loading up my streaming services with movies to watch. Luckily, or unfortunate, however the case may be, I came upon the film Rodentz as the first flick that popped up in the “New Arrivals”  section of Netflix. I didn’t feel like doing much searching so I just settled for the first thing I saw. Besides, anytime you replace an “s” with a “z” in the movie’s title, you know you’re in for a real ztinker!

AKA: Altered Species

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Serge Rodnunsky or Miles Feldman???

Starring: Allen Lee Haff, Guy Vieg, Robert Broughton, Leah Rowan

Rated: R

Tagline: They thought their experiments would change mankind…they were wrong!

Rotten Tomatoes Score: No Reviews Yet (0%)

Number of minutes spent looking for a condom: 5

In searching for a cure for cancer, a scientist pours some defective serum down the drain which festers through the sewer pipes right onto the path of a colony of rats. His assistant is able to inject a rat specimen with the serum that has an adverse affect on the rat making it grow to enormous proportions. All the while, the now “infected” rats have turned aggressive thanks to the serum in the drain and turn their anger onto any poor unsuspecting humans (and cat) that happens to visit the laboratory. As convenience would have it, enter five drunk college students looking for their friend, the scientist’s assistant, and a party. What they find however, is a lab infested with serum enhanced rats that have a blood lust for jingly things and human flesh.

Things to Watch for:

  • Rat infested title sequence
  • Every laboratory filled with caged mice must have at least one cat (I’m guessing it doesn’t end well for the cat)
  • The amount of green mixture poured down a sink increases in capacity from a cup to at least a half gallon.
  • CGI rat with animatronic motions is nothing to mess with.
  • When the rat sees red, the fur starts to fly…and the blood.
  • Haven’t people learned by now that it’s not safe to drink the Kool-Aid.
  • Can they make the rats look any cuter?
  • Night custodians are always so bored and lonely that they have to talk to themselves.
  • Rats grow considerable larger when attacking a human body.
  • Haunted lab strip poker may not be as fun as it sounds.
  • I may be crazy, but I think the jug of communal Kool-Aid just refilled itself.
  • Oh, those cute lab rats, they grow up so fast.
  • What’s the matter doc, rat got your eye?
  • Bad dub over, not in sync with blonde girl’s drunk mouth – “Yes of course”
  • Brenda is just hungry enough to eat through her cage.
  • Did you know that rats “howl” at the moon?
  • Boobs!!
  • Really bad voice over dubbing again
  • Huh? WHAT DID YOU SAY? SPEAK UP, WE CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE AWFUL SOUNDTRACK!
  • Running from rats must be a good way to lose weight. Pink girl’s pants keep sliding farther and farther down.
  • It’s tough work finding a condom in the bottomless glove compartment.
  • Frank is going to be pissed that a large rat got to eat out his girlfriend before he did.
  • Okay I can’t be the only one thinking of these watching those rats come around the corner of the building.
  • I don’t suppose anyone can explain how the lights came back on again.
  • Rats jump out of their cages like Star Trek tribbles.
  • PETA members may want to close their eyes at the 1 hr 3 minute mark. There may be a spot in the NFL for Walter. Laces out Dan!
  • SAFETY TIP: Hey kids! Using one’s teeth on electrical wires is an amazingly stupid and unsafe idea. Don’t try that at home.
  • Since when do electrical boxes run off of 6-Volt batteries duct taped together? Someone got the electrician’s special on that deal.
  • I’ve seen a person in a Godzilla suit, a person in a Sasquatch suit, but this might just be the first person in a rat suit I’ve ever seen. And probably the worst suit in movies…ever!
  • Gary, didn’t your mother tell you, never shake hands with a rat bigger than you!
  • Anyone in the mood for fried rat?
  • How many times is that van going to blow up?
  • Well sure as hell not going to sit through the “spider” version. No thanks.

Dandy Dialogue:

“Ain’t got the bosom, but I got the whiskey.”

“Spunk? Spunk?”

“You wouldn’t be talking like that if you had a tumor.” – “He already does…it’s in his shorts.”

“Walter, take a chill pill. We’re here to save you from yourself.”

“I’m sorry, you were completely innocent, in bed with another chick, naked.”

FINAL WORD:

While animal attack movies have been around for some time, this just might be the worst of them all. The movie was so bad, the director has to go by an alias (Serge Rodnunsky a.k.a. Miles Feldman) The plot is so ridiculous and contrived – drunk teens go to a laboratory to party that is infested with rats. The story itself takes forever to get into. After watching for thirty boring minutes, I paused the film only to find that there was still another hour left to go! Most B-Movies know that they are going to be bad, but this film crew must have thought that they had a blockbuster hit on their hands. There was not the usual tongue-in-cheek approach that many B-Movies tend to take, but instead, decided to take itself too serious. Way too serious! I have some questions in mind that bothered me about the film, but I’ll keep them to myself because giving them mcuh more thought means that I had put more thinking into the film than the filmmakers themselves did.

Most of the characters serve no purpose at all, other than to be rat food by the end. All the character stereotypes are here, but very thinly built and very one-dimensional. There’s the slut, jock, chicken, rebel, prude, and nerd. Sad thing, the characters could be easily interchanged among the actors and no one would notice. The acting is just plain bad. Hell, I’d give more props to the rats. Bottom line, pass on this movie. You’ll get much more enjoyment, and less pain, setting mousetraps to different parts of your own body. This film gets four rat turds out of the dreaded five.

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Introducing: Godzilla’s Revenge (1969)

godzilla mainIn the heart of the winter months, nothing is better than snuggling up on the couch with a warm blanket, some cocoa, and you video streaming services. I was looking for something different, something I hadn’t watched or reviewed before. Whilst surfing through my streaming resources, I found an old classic from my younger days, Godzilla!! So I prepped my self for some really bad English over dubbing and queued up the movie, Godzilla’s Revenge. This one, as I read more about it, tends to regarded as the worst Godzilla movie ever made. Well, we can be the judge of that.

Streaming on: Hulu+

Directed by: Ishiro Honda

Starring: Kenji Sahara, Tomonori Yazaki

Rated: G

Tagline: None

Number of high pitched monster growls: 50

A young boy name Ichiro has dreams that help him escape from his own reality and into one on Monster Island. This is his way of coping with his dull home life and neighborhood bullies. Monster Island is ruled by Godzilla and in his dreams, Ichiro becomes friends with Godzilla’s son, Minya, who learns how to be brave himself with the help of his father, Godzilla, as they battle with the monster Gabara.

Things you won’t want to miss:

  • Interesting monster compilation to start the title sequence.
  • Japanese children bully by jumping up and down and making funny faces at each other. Those retched souls.
  • Hey, Ichiro, nice shorty shorts.
  • Miniature computer for children? I suppose back then that was considered miniature. The tiger logo means it’s for kids.
  • Ichiro has one mean growl, either that or he is very constipated.
  • Godzilla body slamming a large praying mantis looking thing with ease, like Hulk Hogan bodyslamming Andre the Giant.
  • Monster Island is like a Jurassic Park gone wrong.
  • Minya must be the early 70’s version of Barney the Dinosaur.
  • How convenient, the bully and the bad monster have the same name. Ahhh I see the connection that the filmmakers wanted us to make. Clever, clever.
  • Little boys shouldn’t hump the grill of a car, especially one that’s being sold.
  • Godzilla must be a really good soccer player.
  • Baby Godzilla looks more like a Sid and Marty Kroft character, and why the hell can it talk? And why do I remember Godzilla’s kid being named Godzooki? Was that a Scooby Doo episode or am I just dreaming?
  • Young monsters shouldn’t smoke, all they can do is make smoke rings/plus it stunts their growth.
  • Are there any monsters on Monster Island that get a long with each other?
  • Planes that have very bad aim are easy to swat down.
  • Did you know that stepping on a lizards tail makes them breath fire?
  • Uh oh, be careful, the red mohawk is glowing, what a shocker!!
  • Apparently child abuse is allowed on the Monster Island.
  • Monster catapult – Score about a 3.5 on the landing. The Russian judge is tough.
  • Anyone else think that Ichiro is a dead ringer for the kid named Russell in the movie Up?
  • The criminals in this movie must be some of the most clumsy people ever.
  • Slow/stop motion kid fight that looks more like a forbidden dance than anything.
  • That a boy Ichiro make friends with the bullies by being one. Real smart thinking.

Dreadful Dialogue:

“No I wasn’t, I had a frat tire and the spare wasn’t even there.”

“Godzilla says that we have to fight our own battles and not be cowards.”

“Hey that car looks familiar; hey it’s my car.”

Final Word:

First of all let me say that I watched several Godzilla movies growing up. I don’t remember all the names of them, but I distinctly remember that awful growling noise that he always made.I was hoping as the title sequence rolled through, that we would have the opportunity to see all the monsters that were featured. Apparently, this movie was clipped together from pieces and parts of other Godzilla movies. And let me just get this out of the way, I hated…hated the Minya character. And with a passion too. All I could think about was Sigmund the Sea Monster when it was on the screen. I t moved exactly the same and had almost exactly the same voice. Oh yeah, and did I mentioned that it talked. Stupid. The music was exactly what you’d expect from an early 80’s movie. The acting wasn’t all that bad, but everyone had to work with such a cheesy script to begin with. I was never a huge Godzilla fan, so the lore of Godzilla escapes me. The three bipedal monsters were obviously people in costume, in fact I could have sworn that I saw the Godzilla head piece life up at least once. This film would be worth it just to watch only once if you were in to Godzilla. It doesn’t deserve any more than one viewing however. With that said, I give this film a rating of 2.5 turds, I would say it’s about middle of the road as far as terrible goes.

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Introducing: Solarbabies (1986)

solarbabiesSnow! And lots of it. That’s what I have been facing the past couple of days in my neck of the woods. Snow! About two feet of it to be exact. So what better way to spend a couple of snow days then to curl up on the couch and watch some really cheesy movies courtesy of my online streaming subscriptions. That’s exactly what I did. I was in the mood for something nostalgic, something that I remembered from when I was a kid. So, when I saw the movie Solarbabies pop up as a recommended watch in my Netflix queue, I was quite excited. I don’t remember watching it back when I was younger, but I definitely remember the movie poster for it. I was hoping that as I began watching the film, the movie poster wasn’t going to be the only memorable part of the flick.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Alan Johnson

Starring: Jason Patric, Jami Gertz, Lukas Haas

Tagline: Who Will Rule the Future?

Rated: PG-13

Number of pointless roller skating scenes: 5

In a post=apocalyptic where water is scarce and is being heavily rationed by a militant government, the story centers on a group of young orphans who are searching for their freedom. From what I can gather, the kids were taken from their parents and placed in orphan schools while their parents were put to work and so that the kids could be trained to become workers themselves. During a forbidden game of Skateball, the team of heroes, called the Solarbabies, are challenged by a rival team, the Scorpions. Upon getting caught playing in the middle of the night, the youngest member of the team, their mascot Daniel hides in a mine shaft and discovers a glowing orb with magical powers that cures his apparent deafness. After learning of the orb’s powers, it is stolen and Daniel sets out to find it which in turn sends the Solarbabies out to find their mascot boy. The orb falls into the hands of the evil dictator who, for some unexplained reason, wants the orb destroyed. Yeah, I know doesn’t make much sense, but hey, so goes the film.

Things you won’t want to miss:

  • Title sequence with 80’s MIDI music, and not that great of music either.
  • Where exactly would one get a pair of rollerskates with headlights attached to them?
  • The combination of lacrosse, hockey, and rollerderby could make for an interesting sport.
  • Jami Gertz was a hottie even back in the day. Still looks really good after all these years. Better think twice however if you plan on putting the moves on her when she has a digging tool in her hand.
  • In post-apocolyptic orphanages, everybody runs everwhere.
  • Skate night at the orphanage!
  • Reading Rainbow animated ball makes everyone happier.
  • Wait a minute…did I miss something about the mascot finding out his ball was gone? Did I doze off? How did he know it was missing? And how did she know that the boy went after it?
  • If one wanted to make an escape, I can’t imagine doing it in broad daylight would be the wisest of options.
  • Skating montage to a real crappy 80’s tune.
  • That poor boy’s shirt can’t decide if it want’s to stay on his shoulders or not.
  • Did you know that whipping a person while wearing roller skates can easily get them over a 50 foot jump,
  • Blondie seems to be the only person in the whole movie who didn’t know about the sphere.
  • Oh my god, first the skates and now the dogs have headlamps on them.
  • Tire Town – Solarbabies version of Mos Eisley.
  • Escaping a burning  town by rolling away in giant tires makes for a pretty dizzying experience.
  • Solarbabies, meet Jesus Christ.
  • Do we really know why the baddies are wanting to destroy the ball anyway?
  • Pole vaulting over an electric fence is powerful enough to knock your skates off while jumping. Thank god they are able to return by the time the landing happens.
  • Dogs like to eat blue Stormtroopers.
  • Robot can not only sense weak spots, but apparently potential pedophiles as well. That guy was going to touch the kid’s ball.
  • Water, water everywhere! And poof…the ball is gone without any explanation. Well, might as well stay consist with the rest of the movie, I guess.

Dreadful Dialogue::

“You fixed my ears, thank you.”

“That guy is a total lunar.”

“I believe this man has soiled himself, wash him.”

“I can’t believe I’m standing here taking to a ball…no offense.”

Final Word:

Overall, not a too terribly bad movie, but highly disappointing. The loose plot and bad editing lost me at times, but for the most part the movie held my interest. Or maybe it was just my interest in Jami Gertz held my attention. The movie did sport quite a good cast, and although the actors didn’t give stellar performances, they were good enough given the material they had to work with. There were many plot points that could have been interesting if they were given the time and developed a little more, such as the whole point of the orb the little boy finds. Instead we get several minutes of needless rollerskating to bad 80’s synthesizer music. The special effects I’m guessing were well done for the time it was made, but they do not hold up well by today’s films. The sets were okay, but Tire Town in particular was really well done in a Beyond Thunderdome/Waterworld kind of way. I tend to enjoy post-apocalyptic movies, but this one just left me wanting a little more. So, I am giving this film only 2 turds in a bag, because it definitely had some things going for it, but definitely wasn’t anywhere near some of the bad movies that I’ve seen so far.

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Introducing: The Falling (1987)

The Falling posterSpaceships crashing from space inhabited by aliens who escape and feed off of the beings on Earth! Yes please! Sounds like a fun premise for a science fiction flick. At least those were my initial thoughts, before actually seeing this movie. I wasn’t expecting anything great, and I was not disappointed or lead astray. Your best bet as you load up this sci-fi/horror movie would be to refer to the notes below, as I’ve hit on the most important parts of that you won’t want to miss.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Deran Serafian

Starring: Dennis Christopher, Lynn-Holly Johnson, J.O. Bosso (curious as to what the J.O. might stand for)

Rated: R

Tagline: Mankind’s Deadliest Threat has come from the Skies.

Number of Hamburger heads: 5 plus a cow

Synopsis: When U.S. “Skylab” comes crashing down from outer space and in doing so released alien microbes in the air and into the community of Durade, Spain. Three American teenagers who are looking for a fun trip find themselves stuck in Durade when their RV breaks down and they are left to find parts for repairs. While in town, they begin to notice peculiar behaviors from the local citizens and upon meeting a NASA scientist find out the truth about the Skylab crash. The three young people and the scientist search for the antidote to keep everyone from dying from the alien creatures who are feeding and incubating inside them.

Things you’ll want to make sure you don’t miss:

  • Beware of the roaming cows
  • Mmmmm…yum. Nothing like a buffet of disemboweled cow for dinner.
  • Why do women always hit? Stupid girl – but really nice 80’s sweat suit.
  • Well now, that’s’ one hell of a place to stop and make camp for the night
  • American actors with some really bad Spanish accents. Sounded more like Borat.
  • Never ever catch us up dune buggy. I feel like a king in my dune buggy.
  • A little old to be playing imaginary shoot ’em up if you ask me.
  • As if it wasn’t bad enough that the officers face was sliding off of his skull, you had to go and pop it like a big zit, nice work Doc.
  • Must be some really hot rough sex in the kitchen, made the waitresses hair stand on end.
  • Ahhh…remember when phones had rotary dials? And my what a lovely shade of green.
  • Angry acting from the floozy…and scene.
  • What’s with the guy in the mask? And how did she get away from him without getting squashed as well. Those old editing tricks.
  • Vehicle problems, these movies always happen because of vehicle problems.
  • Hello there Hamburger Face.
  • So where did that damn doll come from? And are those chicken legs attached? Supernatural vibes?
  • Michael must be really good at those Need for Speed games. Look at those driving skills. Must be why he’s “Hollywood’s #1 driver.
  • Oh come on Michael, how can you be scared at a beam of light in your face? Especially since you’re the one holding it, idiot.
  • Who would have guessed that 60 seconds would have lasted so long.
  • Hooray for stock footage.
  • Super exciting car chase soundtrack, complete with synth beat and horn section.
  • Michael must have some pretty powerful cologne on, everyone wants to hug him.
  • Dr. Tracer makes for a good road bump.
  • Gas station attendant gets an unwanted alien facial.
  • So that’s what the alien looks like? Finally! A giant spider with teeth.

Oscar worthy dialogue:

“I couldn’t bare the thought of leaving a hurt dog in the middle of the highway.”

“Golly gee whiz and check it out dudes, Brooklyn Dodgers, and all that stuff…”

“Did you two know that one out of every eight people are infected with Elmer Fudd disease.”

“Ow, you know we’re parked in a red zone!”

The Final Word:

This movie is not good, not good at all. The acting was pretty cheesy as it is with the typical 80’s horror flick. The film did feature some surprisingly gruesome gore and blood. The plot was pretty lame and stupid. This movie also goes by a few other titles which made it hard to find. The film is most commonly known as Alien Predator or Mutant 2.

While watching, I found that it was difficult for me to understand what exactly the real threat was. Was it the alien, was it the weird citizens, the vehicles that ran people over, was it a supernatural entity that would make things appear, disappear, and move. I never really understood what the true threat was. By the end of the movie, the alien takes center stage. It only took 85 minutes to show itself in the 90 minute film. Starting from the beginning with some Psycho horror movie style music to a  jazzy synth mix during a car chase, the soundtrack is bad. The acting was nothing to write home about while at the same time not terrible. Damon’s character was probably the best acted while the role of Sam was rather annoying, although there was something hot about watching her run through the streets in tight jeans and boots. All in all, this movie earns itself 3.5 turds out five.

Alien Predators Faceburster 1

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Introducing: Santa Claus Conquers the Aliens (1964)

imagesThe holiday season  is our time to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, spend time with our families, make and share memories for years to come…and oh yes, wait on Christmas Eve for the arrival of Santa Claus. Everyone loves the jolly old fat man, even Hollywood. Unfortunately, Hollywood hasn’t been too kind to the right jolly old elf. And this week’s movie is no exception to that. Let me introduce you to the 1964 masterpiece known as Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Well, with a title like that, how can you go wrong? Right? This is a nice family film for the holidays so you and the whole family can cuddle up on the couch next to the fire, load up your favorite streaming service, and enjoy this Christmas classic. Our Christmas gift to you are a list of some important details that you might miss. Season’s Greetings!

Streaming on: Netflix and Hulu+

Directed by: Nicholas Webster

Starring: Leila Martin, Charles Renn, James Cahill, John Call

Tagline: Santa Brings Christmas Fun to Mars.

Rated: NR

Resused Halloween costumes: 5

Martian kids are acting depressed and all they want to do is watch the Earth shows on the video box. They even have to use sleeping dust to fall asleep…someone please help them. In an attempt to let their kids be kids, Martian leader Kimar, decides that the solution is to kidnap Santa Claus and bring him back to Mars so that he can spread happiness to Martian kids everywhere. Kimar and his henchmen run into two children, Billy and Betty, and take them as collateral damage in the kidnapping. With the help of the very scary Trog the robot, the Martians take Santa hostage and return to Mars. While on Mars, Santa agrees to spread his cheer to their kids and is opposed by Kimar’s, evil minded second-in-command, Voldar.

What you might miss:

  • Remember the days when the movie credits were actually at the beginning of the movie?
  • Wonder why this song wasn’t an instant Christmas classic?
  • Brrrr…must be cold in front of that Sears photo backdrop.
  • XBox Kinect and iDevices have nothing on those fine, fine toys.
  • Enter stage right…love the image of Saturn on the background.
  • Would someone please get that old man a lozenge?
  • Nerf gun satellite dish for the win!
  • Killer soundtrack during stock footage airplane montage.
  • The aliens made it Earth just fine, so why are they asking for directions now?
  • Come on kids, didn’t your mother ever tell you not to talk to strangers…especially green ones in tight clothes and antennae.
  • Is that really two pieces of cheddar cheese under that blinking light?
  • That space ship suddenly got a whole lot smaller when it landed. Must be that damn North Pole pressure.
  • If you’re so cold Betty, I’m not so sure sitting on a block of ice in a short dress is going to help.
  • Ahhhh…dear god, someone help those poor children, it the world’s scariest polar bear. With movement like a crawling human, fur like a cheap Halloween costume, growls like a jaguar, how can those kids not be scared to death.
  • Watch out for the silver refrigerator box with the bucket head. I think Betty just crapped her pants.
  • Whoa! Hey there Billy you better watch your mouth young man. Is calling an alien a martian the same as calling a black man the “N” word?
  • Best use of toilet plungers I think I’ve ever seen.
  • More stock footage please.
  • Oh Santa and his funny jokes. Made the alien Zack Galifianakis laugh. He might need some new material around the kids though.
  • Martians aren’t very good fighters. I think Voldor’s antennae got bent.
  • I think that is probably the creepiest laugh of any Santa Claus I’ve ever heard. Even creepier are Bomar’s donkey teeth.
  • Is that a pillow in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
  • The Three Stooges on Mars with some of the fanciest tools ever.
  • Hold a martian at gunpoint and he does a pirouette.
  • Another intense martian fight scene. BAM! POW! SLAM!
  • Secret to taking out martians is toys, confetti, bubbles, and horrible background music.

Quotes to bring you Christmas joy:

“S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S…Hooray for Santy Claus!”

“I forgot how to sleep, so I was just practicing.”

“Kidnap the Sandy Claws, tie him up real tight; throw away the key and then just turn out the lights.” – oops, wrong movie

“Are you a television set?”

“Golly!” yeah kids just don’t say that anymore.

“You won’t get away with this you…you…you martian!”

“By the great dark star, Santa’s treating him like a toy!”

“What’s round and soft and you put on a stick and you toast on a fire, and it’s green? A martianmellow!”

“Ahh…Balderdash and a fiddle-dee-dee.”

“Merry Christmas, Dropo Claus is here!”

“Hang up that Mistletoe, soon you’ll hear Ho! Ho! Ho! – On Christmas day you’ll wake up and you’ll say- Hooray for Santy Claus. Hooray for Santy Claus!”

Throughout this movie, I couldn’t help but think that this movie was an elementary school Christmas play. The sets, costumes, and acting would be about the same quality, and like the movie, the best acting would be done by the kids. This movie is just too easy to make fun of, and I have not passed up any opportunities to do so. With that said, I did somewhat enjoy the film. Not that it was any good, but it made me laugh and I can totally see a family enjoying this movie together. Anything that can bring a family together and entertain them has some respect in my book. Okay, enough sweet things to say, I’m giving this movie 3 turds out of 5 due to their crappy sets, costumes, and terrible acting adults.  Ahhh…Merry Christmas!

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Introducing: Troll (1985)

With Halloween coming just around the corner, I wanted to get my fill of monster movies in to prepare myself for all the upcoming tricks and treats. My first movie of the Halloween season was monster filled classic, Troll. Having already seen Troll 2 earlier this year, I was very curious as to how the “worst franchise in movie history” began. And how could I go wrong with this cast? Sonny Bono, Elaine from Seinfeld, Timmy’s mom from Lassie, Atreayu from NeverEnding Story, and some Carol Anne from Poltergeist look alike. So, I ventured forth and set aside 82 minutes to devote to the viewing of this Halloween must see. If you would rather spend your time having a seizure to the song “Summertime Blues” then I have left you with some quick notes over the film so that you don’t miss a thing.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: John Carter Beuchler

Starring: Noah Hathaway, Michael Moriarty, Shelley Hack, Sonny Bono, Julia Louise-Dreyfuss

Tagline: Apartment for Rent. Inquire Within…

Rated: PG-13

Number of Michael Moriarity dance scenes: 1

Torak, a troll fairy (I know kind of a weird combination huh?) sets out to recreate a fairy universe from centuries past in hopes that it will lead to his ruling of the human world. He accomplishes this by kidnapping adorable little Wendy Anne and shapeshifting into her body, and posing as her throughout their new apartment complex. Torak-turned-Wendy Anne finds her way into the apartments of the buildings tenants only to appear as the troll, and with the help of a magical green ring, turn the tenants into a fern garden that sprouts more little trolls. Harry Potter Jr. (yep, that’s right) suspects that his sister is not quite what she seems to be and after meeting with an old fairy princess from the floor above, Harry is determined to save his sister and foil Torak’s plans.

What you would be Missing:

  • Uh oh, not good to start the film with a girl singing a lame song in a dubbed in voice. The director could have at least asked her to move her mouth.
  • Hello there hairy troll in the basement
  • Harry Potter? Oh great not another wizard movie.
  • Hello there hairy troll on the next floor, oh oops…that’s Sonny Bono.
  • Sonny Bono is changing in to Ron Jeremy who is changing in to a pickle, who changes into a forest, that spawns a troll doll, baby creature from Black Lagoon, and Don King. Yeah it looks as stupid as it sounds.
  • Strange apartment complex first a troll, then a live mushroom that looks like a penis with eyes.
  • Just when you think pink walls can’t get any uglier, the neighbor sports his rattlesnake wallpaper.
  • Disturbing little Michael Moriarity dance number…Yikes!
  • Anybody else feel uncomfortable about a little girl walking in to strange men’s apartments uninvited?
  • Despite the stupidity of it all, the troll is pretty scary looking.
  • And there goes another neighbor turned into forest of bad animatronic puppets.
  • Hey no fair, I do believe Harry Jr. is watching a better movie than I am at the moment.
  • First dancing from Moriarity and now a musical number from a bunch of trolls, a midget reciting The Faerie Queen, and a singing penis.
  • To be truthful, all those trolls look like the Ghoulies, I almost thought that it was a sequel to this.
  • Poor June Lockhart is a long way from Lassie.
  • The knock at the door sounded pre-pubescent? Is she used to young boys knocking on her door? Cougar!
  • Young boy wants to be trained as a wizard and his name just happens to be Harry Potter, I think that would make a good book.
  • Oh okay, it’s a mushroom, not a penis.
  • Animated sparkles and a half-naked Julie Louis-Dreyfuss(s), what more could a guy want?
  • That was a mean Mr. Troll, as if Malcom wasn’t tiny enough, you’ve changed him into an even smaller troll. And he was supposed to be your friend.
  • Ahhh…the back story of the troll and his bad intentions. Now it’s all coming together and starting to make sense…*cough*BULLCRAP*cough*.
  • I always thought that June Lockhart’s acting resembled that of a tree stump and now we have proof.
  • I’m thinking that Torak’s green ring has more cinematic appeal than the Green Lantern’s.
  • Big bat troll on the loose and he looks pissed.
  • TROUPE ALERT!! Bad guy saves the day by killing his own evil creation.
  • And away the family goes off to their new town, Nilbog. (Yes that was a Troll 2 reference)

Dynamic Dialogue:

“I’d rather watch Star Trek. Phasers on dull.”

“Have you been playing with dead cats?”

“I’m in to swinging and children having pillow fights at all hours of  the night while I’m trying to score might cause me a few strikeouts.”

“You can forget the milk honey, he’s in to gin and tonics.”

“Can I come in, I think I’m going to throw up”

“Buzz off you little creeps.”

“Someone probably had their stereo on too loud. Probably one of those kids.” – Good rule of thumb, if in doubt, blame the kids!

Just to be clear, Troll 2, the notoriously so-bad-it’s-hilarious sequel has absolutely no connection to this movie at all. In fact the trolls are referred to as goblins. Nevertheless, this movie is pretty cheesy and the acting isn’t all that great, but there are some enjoyable parts. This would be the perfect scary movie for the 8-10 year old crowd. But if you are looking for some sort of blood and gore slash-fest or a scream flick for your All Hallows Eve get together, this one isn’t for you. I can’t quite give this the dreaded 4 or 5 turds, the mark of reel crap, and I can’t really say that it was all that good either. So, I’ll stick with somewhere in the middle on this one. The 1985 version of Troll gets 3 turds from me. On the good side, I have seen rumors that there is a remake coming on the horizon in the near future.

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