Summer vacation is here. This gives me some time to relax by playing golf, reading some good books, and loading up my streaming services with movies to watch. Luckily, or unfortunate, however the case may be, I came upon the film Rodentz as the first flick that popped up in the “New Arrivals” section of Netflix. I didn’t feel like doing much searching so I just settled for the first thing I saw. Besides, anytime you replace an “s” with a “z” in the movie’s title, you know you’re in for a real ztinker!
AKA: Altered Species
Streaming on: Netflix
Directed by: Serge Rodnunsky or Miles Feldman???
Starring: Allen Lee Haff, Guy Vieg, Robert Broughton, Leah Rowan
Tagline: They thought their experiments would change mankind…they were wrong!
Rotten Tomatoes Score: No Reviews Yet (0%)
Number of minutes spent looking for a condom: 5
In searching for a cure for cancer, a scientist pours some defective serum down the drain which festers through the sewer pipes right onto the path of a colony of rats. His assistant is able to inject a rat specimen with the serum that has an adverse affect on the rat making it grow to enormous proportions. All the while, the now “infected” rats have turned aggressive thanks to the serum in the drain and turn their anger onto any poor unsuspecting humans (and cat) that happens to visit the laboratory. As convenience would have it, enter five drunk college students looking for their friend, the scientist’s assistant, and a party. What they find however, is a lab infested with serum enhanced rats that have a blood lust for jingly things and human flesh.
Things to Watch for:
- Rat infested title sequence
- Every laboratory filled with caged mice must have at least one cat (I’m guessing it doesn’t end well for the cat)
- The amount of green mixture poured down a sink increases in capacity from a cup to at least a half gallon.
- CGI rat with animatronic motions is nothing to mess with.
- When the rat sees red, the fur starts to fly…and the blood.
- Haven’t people learned by now that it’s not safe to drink the Kool-Aid.
- Can they make the rats look any cuter?
- Night custodians are always so bored and lonely that they have to talk to themselves.
- Rats grow considerable larger when attacking a human body.
- Haunted lab strip poker may not be as fun as it sounds.
- I may be crazy, but I think the jug of communal Kool-Aid just refilled itself.
- Oh, those cute lab rats, they grow up so fast.
- What’s the matter doc, rat got your eye?
- Bad dub over, not in sync with blonde girl’s drunk mouth – “Yes of course”
- Brenda is just hungry enough to eat through her cage.
- Did you know that rats “howl” at the moon?
- Really bad voice over dubbing again
- Huh? WHAT DID YOU SAY? SPEAK UP, WE CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE AWFUL SOUNDTRACK!
- Running from rats must be a good way to lose weight. Pink girl’s pants keep sliding farther and farther down.
- It’s tough work finding a condom in the bottomless glove compartment.
- Frank is going to be pissed that a large rat got to eat out his girlfriend before he did.
- Okay I can’t be the only one thinking of these watching those rats come around the corner of the building.
- I don’t suppose anyone can explain how the lights came back on again.
- Rats jump out of their cages like Star Trek tribbles.
- PETA members may want to close their eyes at the 1 hr 3 minute mark. There may be a spot in the NFL for Walter. Laces out Dan!
- SAFETY TIP: Hey kids! Using one’s teeth on electrical wires is an amazingly stupid and unsafe idea. Don’t try that at home.
- Since when do electrical boxes run off of 6-Volt batteries duct taped together? Someone got the electrician’s special on that deal.
- I’ve seen a person in a Godzilla suit, a person in a Sasquatch suit, but this might just be the first person in a rat suit I’ve ever seen. And probably the worst suit in movies…ever!
- Gary, didn’t your mother tell you, never shake hands with a rat bigger than you!
- Anyone in the mood for fried rat?
- How many times is that van going to blow up?
- Well sure as hell not going to sit through the “spider” version. No thanks.
“Ain’t got the bosom, but I got the whiskey.”
“You wouldn’t be talking like that if you had a tumor.” – “He already does…it’s in his shorts.”
“Walter, take a chill pill. We’re here to save you from yourself.”
“I’m sorry, you were completely innocent, in bed with another chick, naked.”
While animal attack movies have been around for some time, this just might be the worst of them all. The movie was so bad, the director has to go by an alias (Serge Rodnunsky a.k.a. Miles Feldman) The plot is so ridiculous and contrived – drunk teens go to a laboratory to party that is infested with rats. The story itself takes forever to get into. After watching for thirty boring minutes, I paused the film only to find that there was still another hour left to go! Most B-Movies know that they are going to be bad, but this film crew must have thought that they had a blockbuster hit on their hands. There was not the usual tongue-in-cheek approach that many B-Movies tend to take, but instead, decided to take itself too serious. Way too serious! I have some questions in mind that bothered me about the film, but I’ll keep them to myself because giving them mcuh more thought means that I had put more thinking into the film than the filmmakers themselves did.
Most of the characters serve no purpose at all, other than to be rat food by the end. All the character stereotypes are here, but very thinly built and very one-dimensional. There’s the slut, jock, chicken, rebel, prude, and nerd. Sad thing, the characters could be easily interchanged among the actors and no one would notice. The acting is just plain bad. Hell, I’d give more props to the rats. Bottom line, pass on this movie. You’ll get much more enjoyment, and less pain, setting mousetraps to different parts of your own body. This film gets four rat turds out of the dreaded five.