Tag Archives: science fiction

Introducing: At the Earth’s Core (1976)

At-the-Earths-CoreLong week, crappy weather, and not enough time to relax. Why not watch something that looks cheesy. Looks like At the Earth’s Core may just do the trick…or not.

Directed by: Kevin Connor

Starring: Peter Cushing, Doug McClure, Caroline Munro, Bobby Parr

Rated: PG

Tagline: They’re in it DEEP now!

Rotten Tomatoes: 33%

A wealthy young engineer puts his support into Dr. Perry’s newest invention, a drill that will drill through very thick layers of rock. While on it’s inaugurral run through the Earth, the drill called Iron Mole, breaks down about halfway through the diameter of the Earth. The two  decide to leave their drill and go exploring. While out of their vehicle. they are greeted with a whole different world located underneath the surface of the Earth complete with lush plant life, strange prehistoric creatures, and some grunting natives the have a propensity for dragging slaves all over. The two are captured and taken into the caves where they learn the secret of the underground world and the purpose for the slavery.

Things you won’t want to miss:

  • Don’t be fooled, this is no Tarzan.
  • Hey Doc, I’m not so sure your Iron Mole is going to be able to just do a 180 and go back. It’s a drill for god sakes.
  • This movie doesn’t waste any time getting to the middle of the Earth.
  • What an extraordinary sky, it looks so much like a sound stage.
  • There are even hot chicks at the Earth’s core.
  • Can you spot the black man with the blond afro? Seems a bit out of place, even in the middle of the Earth.
  • Yummy, large wild boar looking monsters feeding on puppets looks like an outtake from Team America. Be careful they’ll bite your ass.
  • Let the battle of the boars begin!! A horn to the junk will always get you a win.
  • Can anyone speak “out of tune radio frequency” so we can understand the Sagoths?
  • Let’s all be mesmerized by the giant shell-less tortoises with wings.
  • Warning: Tripping down stairs will get you a spanking with a wooden Q-Tip!
  • Since when would a Doctor know how to read a strange underground language. And why is he allowed to keep his umbrella? And a pocketknife too?
  • Don’t make the pig people mad or they’ll smack the ground with their horse tail whips.
  • Intense fight scene looks more like a rough foreplay scene between two lovers.
  • Feed me Seymour!!
  • Time to kiss and make up. “I am called David.” – “My name is Ra, and I speak perfect English. What other language do you think is spoken underground?”
  • If the girls don’t get caught by the reptile birds, then the wires surely will.
  • I fell in to a burning ring of fire.
  • Ole! Ole! Dodge the charging Hippocroc. Come on David, you’re the one with the freakin’ trident. Use the damn thing.
  • Ra must have been watching how Leia killed Jabba
  • Looking for volunteers brave enough to run through the fire curtain. Ahhh…I see we have at least one taker.
  • Sagoths have got to be the wimpiest and dumbest drone troopers I’ve ever seen.
  • Mahars originate from one big ass hard boiled egg.
  • Fire breathing frogs explode on impact.
  • Dr. Perry’s bow making skills could make him a dangerous contender in this year’s Hunger Games.
  • David’s tips on how to man-handle a woman. #1: Be Masterful!
  • Where did all these plastic plants come from?
  • Jubel isn’t so ugly, but smoking mushrooms are a weakness of his.
  • Sargoths are mind controlled to run like a troupe of cheerleaders.
  • Ra can kick some ass with a knife in his back…oh wait, it’s disappeared.
  • The Pulp Fiction Samuel L. Jackson sure shoots a mean arrow.
  • Fourth of July comes early inside the caves.
  • It’s a wig party!!
  • Best outfit Dia has worn all movie. She’s about to fall out of that top.
  • Where did the “launch” rigging come from? Did they build it from all the plastic plants in this underground land?
  • I don’t know about you, but I think  a drilling machine coming up from the Earth might be a breach of White House security. And the gardeners thought the mole’s were the only problem on the White House lawn.

Dorky Dialogue:

“Well if we’re not on Earth doc then where the hell are we? – From my observations dear friend I can positively state that we are under it.”

“Took me longer to graduate from geological engineering , than any other man in life.”

“Oh they’re so excitable, like all foreigners.”

“David, have you ever thought about going to the moon?”

“You can not mesmerize me, I’m British!”

THE FINAL WORD:

Oh boy, where do I begin? First off, this ambitious film is greatly hampered by it’s apparent lack of budget. The whole movie was obviously shot on a sound stage, with a strange purple hue with painted mountains and rocks in the background. Throughout the movie there were creatures thrown in simply for the effect of having monsters and thus giving way to the various creatures in this underground world. The creatures themselves were nothing more than people in suits ala Godzilla. Probably the most humorous effect of the whole film was a scene in which one of the creatures grabs and sinks his teeth into one of the slaves. This alone, is reason enough to watch the film. The dinosaur’s, including Peter Cushing’s, movements were pretty stiff and non-threatening. The special effects were nothing spectacular and consisted of a projection in the background with action in the foreground and fireworks as explosives. The sets were a wasteland of plaster and plastic plants, with some pools of fire thrown in for extra added effect. The film’s actor’s all showed off their chops at over-acting all the way down to the frequency grunting pig-people. Man, could they brandish a mean whip. The film’s hero, David, is a bit on the wimpy side. The cheesiness of Ra, and the curves of Munro do add to the appeal for sure. The dialogue is a bit tongue-in-cheek while trying to explain some aspects of the film’s plot, but amazingly doesn’t attempt to explain some of the story’s obvious flaws. I would be amiss if I said that this movie didn’t at least deserve a watching. With that I am giving this one 3.5 turds because I’m sure everyone will want to see tribe of underground slave people in bad wigs dance away in celebration.

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Introducing: Spacehunter: Adventure into the Forbidden Zone (1983)

spacehunter posterAs I was growing up, my brother and I were in awe of and loved the Star Wars movies, and wanted to watch them any chance we could. It was during this time, that Hollywood decided to ride the success of the Star Wars trilogy and pop out several low-budget space adventures. Along with my dad, we always rented any space movie that we felt had that same kind of science fiction vibe that those early Lucas movies did, obviously without much luck. However, this did bring us movies such as The Ice Pirates (that I LOVED growing up) and Battle Beyond the Stars, there were also a bunch of bad space adventures. This is why I was excited to see the 1983 film, Spacehunter in the list of films on Crackle. As I began watching it, I started to wonder if I had made the right decision or not to devote 90 minutes of my time to this film. You can take a look at the notes below to see some of the highlights of this space adventure that lacks a little time in space.

Streaming on: Crackle

Directed by: Lamont Johnson

Starring: Peter Strauss, Molly Ringwald, Michael Ironside, Ernie Hudson

Rated: PG

Tagline: Journey with Wolff and Nikki, an interstellar adventurer and young rebel. On a mission to rescue three stranded women from a planet no one has warned them about. Because no one has ever returned.

Number of Parallels to Star Wars movies: 10 – anything from the pointless “Sand People” to the android villan

A space traveling vagabond desperately in need of money comes across a distress signal to save three Earth women who have landed on a planet named Terra Eleven, when their luxury starship is attacked. When Wolff arrives on Terra Eleven he is finds that the natives of the planet have just as much interest in the three women as he does. While chasing down the Earth women, Wolff meets an orphaned Molly Ringwald who invites herself to help in his search. The hero then finds out that the women were taken to the “Forbidden Zone” that is ruled by the evil and animatronic leader, Overdog.

What you will see:

  • Opening sequence jumps right out at you. Too bad we can’t see it in 3D.
  • Do not be alarmed, you are about to see a Death Star like explosion.
  • Wolff has R2D2 hidden in his ship’s console.
  • Emergency repair procedure #1 usually works for me too.
  • Cool pirate ships can sail across sand, too bad it’s so easy to knock it out of commission.
  • Twisting a neck so that it cracks renders Earth girls unconscious instead of death.
  • Hang gliders tend to sweep girls off of their feet.
  • Hope Wolff kept the warranty on his hot android chick.
  • Spacehunter’s version of Tusken Raiders
  • Washington is lucky that his gun is the floating kind.
  • Overdog wants the girl undressed. His name should be Horndog. Does he have another piece of metal that the audience can’t see that he feels the need to satisfy?
  • Boobs!! Oh gross. Now we know what it would look like if the Michelin Man went on a diet.
  • Amphibious women are nymphomaniacs and are looking for breeders.
  • Water women are scared to death of water dragons.
  • Watch out for the mutated children, they throw bombs.
  • The maze is the Forbidden Zone’s equivalent to the TV show, Wipeout!
  • You can kill the villain’s right hand man by squeezing his baggie of toothpaste.
  • Plastic piping is always good for enclosing electrical wiring.
  • Bet it was fun blowing up that scale model.

Award Winning Dialogue:

“The police called from the 42 Sector you’ve got 105 parking tickets. I think you should take care of that.”

“Find them yourself Earther, we have blood loss here.”

“If you give me some nibbles and take me for some wheels, I’ll take you to them.”

“You, your like fly shit on a window…”

“They call me Nikki the Twister because I wriggle into small places.”

“Second bath in two days, I ought to be good for the next year.”

“Are they missing limbs? I just hate it when they are missing limbs.”

“They sure have come a long way from Monday Night Football.”

The Final Word:

I am going to confess right off the bat, that I did find this movie to be pretty enjoyable. It wasn’t anywhere close to my favorite movie by any means, but considering the other garbage I’ve seen and reviewed in earlier blog posts, this could be considered “the best of the worst.” The plot is serviceable. It tells a pretty straight forward and easy to follow story. As the film progressed, I couldn’t help but notice that there were a lot of things borrowed from prior science-fiction and adventure movies, most notably Star Wars. There were hints of Mad Max and even Indiana Jones thrown in as well. The film started off rather interesting, but seemed to get lost in it’s own ambition and need to pile in a plethora of creatures and peril to give the film a purpose. Other than the people, there are a total of five different alien beings living on this planet that the group comes in contact with. The creatures could be intriguing and interesting however the characters interact with them for a total of about three minutes, not each, but in total. I wished there would have been more interaction between the two. However, obviously not as good as the Star Wars films, the sets weren’t god awful. The “Forbidden Zone” seemed to be a bit cramped and trashy. The futuristic vehicles I thought were really well done too. My main turn off of the film was it’s villain, Overdog. Played by Michael Ironside, Overdog never really seemed like much of a threat. He was hanging cyborg who was kept alive by some breathing apparatus. While encased in a large body suit with large long metal claws, Overdog oddly was able to move quickly and freely around the zone without effort. His most threatening feature was the long claw-like arms that he didn’t really use to put others in danger with. He most intimidating feature was his gravely voice that he used to yell at everyone.

While not a must see action/adventure film, Spacehunter: Adventure in the Forbidden Zone, was mildly entertaining and I felt just fell short of something really fun. So it is with that reason that I give this film 1.5 turds out of 5 dreaded turds.

spacehunter villan

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Introducing: Godzilla’s Revenge (1969)

godzilla mainIn the heart of the winter months, nothing is better than snuggling up on the couch with a warm blanket, some cocoa, and you video streaming services. I was looking for something different, something I hadn’t watched or reviewed before. Whilst surfing through my streaming resources, I found an old classic from my younger days, Godzilla!! So I prepped my self for some really bad English over dubbing and queued up the movie, Godzilla’s Revenge. This one, as I read more about it, tends to regarded as the worst Godzilla movie ever made. Well, we can be the judge of that.

Streaming on: Hulu+

Directed by: Ishiro Honda

Starring: Kenji Sahara, Tomonori Yazaki

Rated: G

Tagline: None

Number of high pitched monster growls: 50

A young boy name Ichiro has dreams that help him escape from his own reality and into one on Monster Island. This is his way of coping with his dull home life and neighborhood bullies. Monster Island is ruled by Godzilla and in his dreams, Ichiro becomes friends with Godzilla’s son, Minya, who learns how to be brave himself with the help of his father, Godzilla, as they battle with the monster Gabara.

Things you won’t want to miss:

  • Interesting monster compilation to start the title sequence.
  • Japanese children bully by jumping up and down and making funny faces at each other. Those retched souls.
  • Hey, Ichiro, nice shorty shorts.
  • Miniature computer for children? I suppose back then that was considered miniature. The tiger logo means it’s for kids.
  • Ichiro has one mean growl, either that or he is very constipated.
  • Godzilla body slamming a large praying mantis looking thing with ease, like Hulk Hogan bodyslamming Andre the Giant.
  • Monster Island is like a Jurassic Park gone wrong.
  • Minya must be the early 70’s version of Barney the Dinosaur.
  • How convenient, the bully and the bad monster have the same name. Ahhh I see the connection that the filmmakers wanted us to make. Clever, clever.
  • Little boys shouldn’t hump the grill of a car, especially one that’s being sold.
  • Godzilla must be a really good soccer player.
  • Baby Godzilla looks more like a Sid and Marty Kroft character, and why the hell can it talk? And why do I remember Godzilla’s kid being named Godzooki? Was that a Scooby Doo episode or am I just dreaming?
  • Young monsters shouldn’t smoke, all they can do is make smoke rings/plus it stunts their growth.
  • Are there any monsters on Monster Island that get a long with each other?
  • Planes that have very bad aim are easy to swat down.
  • Did you know that stepping on a lizards tail makes them breath fire?
  • Uh oh, be careful, the red mohawk is glowing, what a shocker!!
  • Apparently child abuse is allowed on the Monster Island.
  • Monster catapult – Score about a 3.5 on the landing. The Russian judge is tough.
  • Anyone else think that Ichiro is a dead ringer for the kid named Russell in the movie Up?
  • The criminals in this movie must be some of the most clumsy people ever.
  • Slow/stop motion kid fight that looks more like a forbidden dance than anything.
  • That a boy Ichiro make friends with the bullies by being one. Real smart thinking.

Dreadful Dialogue:

“No I wasn’t, I had a frat tire and the spare wasn’t even there.”

“Godzilla says that we have to fight our own battles and not be cowards.”

“Hey that car looks familiar; hey it’s my car.”

Final Word:

First of all let me say that I watched several Godzilla movies growing up. I don’t remember all the names of them, but I distinctly remember that awful growling noise that he always made.I was hoping as the title sequence rolled through, that we would have the opportunity to see all the monsters that were featured. Apparently, this movie was clipped together from pieces and parts of other Godzilla movies. And let me just get this out of the way, I hated…hated the Minya character. And with a passion too. All I could think about was Sigmund the Sea Monster when it was on the screen. I t moved exactly the same and had almost exactly the same voice. Oh yeah, and did I mentioned that it talked. Stupid. The music was exactly what you’d expect from an early 80’s movie. The acting wasn’t all that bad, but everyone had to work with such a cheesy script to begin with. I was never a huge Godzilla fan, so the lore of Godzilla escapes me. The three bipedal monsters were obviously people in costume, in fact I could have sworn that I saw the Godzilla head piece life up at least once. This film would be worth it just to watch only once if you were in to Godzilla. It doesn’t deserve any more than one viewing however. With that said, I give this film a rating of 2.5 turds, I would say it’s about middle of the road as far as terrible goes.

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Introducing: Solarbabies (1986)

solarbabiesSnow! And lots of it. That’s what I have been facing the past couple of days in my neck of the woods. Snow! About two feet of it to be exact. So what better way to spend a couple of snow days then to curl up on the couch and watch some really cheesy movies courtesy of my online streaming subscriptions. That’s exactly what I did. I was in the mood for something nostalgic, something that I remembered from when I was a kid. So, when I saw the movie Solarbabies pop up as a recommended watch in my Netflix queue, I was quite excited. I don’t remember watching it back when I was younger, but I definitely remember the movie poster for it. I was hoping that as I began watching the film, the movie poster wasn’t going to be the only memorable part of the flick.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Alan Johnson

Starring: Jason Patric, Jami Gertz, Lukas Haas

Tagline: Who Will Rule the Future?

Rated: PG-13

Number of pointless roller skating scenes: 5

In a post=apocalyptic where water is scarce and is being heavily rationed by a militant government, the story centers on a group of young orphans who are searching for their freedom. From what I can gather, the kids were taken from their parents and placed in orphan schools while their parents were put to work and so that the kids could be trained to become workers themselves. During a forbidden game of Skateball, the team of heroes, called the Solarbabies, are challenged by a rival team, the Scorpions. Upon getting caught playing in the middle of the night, the youngest member of the team, their mascot Daniel hides in a mine shaft and discovers a glowing orb with magical powers that cures his apparent deafness. After learning of the orb’s powers, it is stolen and Daniel sets out to find it which in turn sends the Solarbabies out to find their mascot boy. The orb falls into the hands of the evil dictator who, for some unexplained reason, wants the orb destroyed. Yeah, I know doesn’t make much sense, but hey, so goes the film.

Things you won’t want to miss:

  • Title sequence with 80’s MIDI music, and not that great of music either.
  • Where exactly would one get a pair of rollerskates with headlights attached to them?
  • The combination of lacrosse, hockey, and rollerderby could make for an interesting sport.
  • Jami Gertz was a hottie even back in the day. Still looks really good after all these years. Better think twice however if you plan on putting the moves on her when she has a digging tool in her hand.
  • In post-apocolyptic orphanages, everybody runs everwhere.
  • Skate night at the orphanage!
  • Reading Rainbow animated ball makes everyone happier.
  • Wait a minute…did I miss something about the mascot finding out his ball was gone? Did I doze off? How did he know it was missing? And how did she know that the boy went after it?
  • If one wanted to make an escape, I can’t imagine doing it in broad daylight would be the wisest of options.
  • Skating montage to a real crappy 80’s tune.
  • That poor boy’s shirt can’t decide if it want’s to stay on his shoulders or not.
  • Did you know that whipping a person while wearing roller skates can easily get them over a 50 foot jump,
  • Blondie seems to be the only person in the whole movie who didn’t know about the sphere.
  • Oh my god, first the skates and now the dogs have headlamps on them.
  • Tire Town – Solarbabies version of Mos Eisley.
  • Escaping a burning  town by rolling away in giant tires makes for a pretty dizzying experience.
  • Solarbabies, meet Jesus Christ.
  • Do we really know why the baddies are wanting to destroy the ball anyway?
  • Pole vaulting over an electric fence is powerful enough to knock your skates off while jumping. Thank god they are able to return by the time the landing happens.
  • Dogs like to eat blue Stormtroopers.
  • Robot can not only sense weak spots, but apparently potential pedophiles as well. That guy was going to touch the kid’s ball.
  • Water, water everywhere! And poof…the ball is gone without any explanation. Well, might as well stay consist with the rest of the movie, I guess.

Dreadful Dialogue::

“You fixed my ears, thank you.”

“That guy is a total lunar.”

“I believe this man has soiled himself, wash him.”

“I can’t believe I’m standing here taking to a ball…no offense.”

Final Word:

Overall, not a too terribly bad movie, but highly disappointing. The loose plot and bad editing lost me at times, but for the most part the movie held my interest. Or maybe it was just my interest in Jami Gertz held my attention. The movie did sport quite a good cast, and although the actors didn’t give stellar performances, they were good enough given the material they had to work with. There were many plot points that could have been interesting if they were given the time and developed a little more, such as the whole point of the orb the little boy finds. Instead we get several minutes of needless rollerskating to bad 80’s synthesizer music. The special effects I’m guessing were well done for the time it was made, but they do not hold up well by today’s films. The sets were okay, but Tire Town in particular was really well done in a Beyond Thunderdome/Waterworld kind of way. I tend to enjoy post-apocalyptic movies, but this one just left me wanting a little more. So, I am giving this film only 2 turds in a bag, because it definitely had some things going for it, but definitely wasn’t anywhere near some of the bad movies that I’ve seen so far.

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Introducing: The Falling (1987)

The Falling posterSpaceships crashing from space inhabited by aliens who escape and feed off of the beings on Earth! Yes please! Sounds like a fun premise for a science fiction flick. At least those were my initial thoughts, before actually seeing this movie. I wasn’t expecting anything great, and I was not disappointed or lead astray. Your best bet as you load up this sci-fi/horror movie would be to refer to the notes below, as I’ve hit on the most important parts of that you won’t want to miss.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Deran Serafian

Starring: Dennis Christopher, Lynn-Holly Johnson, J.O. Bosso (curious as to what the J.O. might stand for)

Rated: R

Tagline: Mankind’s Deadliest Threat has come from the Skies.

Number of Hamburger heads: 5 plus a cow

Synopsis: When U.S. “Skylab” comes crashing down from outer space and in doing so released alien microbes in the air and into the community of Durade, Spain. Three American teenagers who are looking for a fun trip find themselves stuck in Durade when their RV breaks down and they are left to find parts for repairs. While in town, they begin to notice peculiar behaviors from the local citizens and upon meeting a NASA scientist find out the truth about the Skylab crash. The three young people and the scientist search for the antidote to keep everyone from dying from the alien creatures who are feeding and incubating inside them.

Things you’ll want to make sure you don’t miss:

  • Beware of the roaming cows
  • Mmmmm…yum. Nothing like a buffet of disemboweled cow for dinner.
  • Why do women always hit? Stupid girl – but really nice 80’s sweat suit.
  • Well now, that’s’ one hell of a place to stop and make camp for the night
  • American actors with some really bad Spanish accents. Sounded more like Borat.
  • Never ever catch us up dune buggy. I feel like a king in my dune buggy.
  • A little old to be playing imaginary shoot ’em up if you ask me.
  • As if it wasn’t bad enough that the officers face was sliding off of his skull, you had to go and pop it like a big zit, nice work Doc.
  • Must be some really hot rough sex in the kitchen, made the waitresses hair stand on end.
  • Ahhh…remember when phones had rotary dials? And my what a lovely shade of green.
  • Angry acting from the floozy…and scene.
  • What’s with the guy in the mask? And how did she get away from him without getting squashed as well. Those old editing tricks.
  • Vehicle problems, these movies always happen because of vehicle problems.
  • Hello there Hamburger Face.
  • So where did that damn doll come from? And are those chicken legs attached? Supernatural vibes?
  • Michael must be really good at those Need for Speed games. Look at those driving skills. Must be why he’s “Hollywood’s #1 driver.
  • Oh come on Michael, how can you be scared at a beam of light in your face? Especially since you’re the one holding it, idiot.
  • Who would have guessed that 60 seconds would have lasted so long.
  • Hooray for stock footage.
  • Super exciting car chase soundtrack, complete with synth beat and horn section.
  • Michael must have some pretty powerful cologne on, everyone wants to hug him.
  • Dr. Tracer makes for a good road bump.
  • Gas station attendant gets an unwanted alien facial.
  • So that’s what the alien looks like? Finally! A giant spider with teeth.

Oscar worthy dialogue:

“I couldn’t bare the thought of leaving a hurt dog in the middle of the highway.”

“Golly gee whiz and check it out dudes, Brooklyn Dodgers, and all that stuff…”

“Did you two know that one out of every eight people are infected with Elmer Fudd disease.”

“Ow, you know we’re parked in a red zone!”

The Final Word:

This movie is not good, not good at all. The acting was pretty cheesy as it is with the typical 80’s horror flick. The film did feature some surprisingly gruesome gore and blood. The plot was pretty lame and stupid. This movie also goes by a few other titles which made it hard to find. The film is most commonly known as Alien Predator or Mutant 2.

While watching, I found that it was difficult for me to understand what exactly the real threat was. Was it the alien, was it the weird citizens, the vehicles that ran people over, was it a supernatural entity that would make things appear, disappear, and move. I never really understood what the true threat was. By the end of the movie, the alien takes center stage. It only took 85 minutes to show itself in the 90 minute film. Starting from the beginning with some Psycho horror movie style music to a  jazzy synth mix during a car chase, the soundtrack is bad. The acting was nothing to write home about while at the same time not terrible. Damon’s character was probably the best acted while the role of Sam was rather annoying, although there was something hot about watching her run through the streets in tight jeans and boots. All in all, this movie earns itself 3.5 turds out five.

Alien Predators Faceburster 1

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Introducing: Troll (1985)

With Halloween coming just around the corner, I wanted to get my fill of monster movies in to prepare myself for all the upcoming tricks and treats. My first movie of the Halloween season was monster filled classic, Troll. Having already seen Troll 2 earlier this year, I was very curious as to how the “worst franchise in movie history” began. And how could I go wrong with this cast? Sonny Bono, Elaine from Seinfeld, Timmy’s mom from Lassie, Atreayu from NeverEnding Story, and some Carol Anne from Poltergeist look alike. So, I ventured forth and set aside 82 minutes to devote to the viewing of this Halloween must see. If you would rather spend your time having a seizure to the song “Summertime Blues” then I have left you with some quick notes over the film so that you don’t miss a thing.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: John Carter Beuchler

Starring: Noah Hathaway, Michael Moriarty, Shelley Hack, Sonny Bono, Julia Louise-Dreyfuss

Tagline: Apartment for Rent. Inquire Within…

Rated: PG-13

Number of Michael Moriarity dance scenes: 1

Torak, a troll fairy (I know kind of a weird combination huh?) sets out to recreate a fairy universe from centuries past in hopes that it will lead to his ruling of the human world. He accomplishes this by kidnapping adorable little Wendy Anne and shapeshifting into her body, and posing as her throughout their new apartment complex. Torak-turned-Wendy Anne finds her way into the apartments of the buildings tenants only to appear as the troll, and with the help of a magical green ring, turn the tenants into a fern garden that sprouts more little trolls. Harry Potter Jr. (yep, that’s right) suspects that his sister is not quite what she seems to be and after meeting with an old fairy princess from the floor above, Harry is determined to save his sister and foil Torak’s plans.

What you would be Missing:

  • Uh oh, not good to start the film with a girl singing a lame song in a dubbed in voice. The director could have at least asked her to move her mouth.
  • Hello there hairy troll in the basement
  • Harry Potter? Oh great not another wizard movie.
  • Hello there hairy troll on the next floor, oh oops…that’s Sonny Bono.
  • Sonny Bono is changing in to Ron Jeremy who is changing in to a pickle, who changes into a forest, that spawns a troll doll, baby creature from Black Lagoon, and Don King. Yeah it looks as stupid as it sounds.
  • Strange apartment complex first a troll, then a live mushroom that looks like a penis with eyes.
  • Just when you think pink walls can’t get any uglier, the neighbor sports his rattlesnake wallpaper.
  • Disturbing little Michael Moriarity dance number…Yikes!
  • Anybody else feel uncomfortable about a little girl walking in to strange men’s apartments uninvited?
  • Despite the stupidity of it all, the troll is pretty scary looking.
  • And there goes another neighbor turned into forest of bad animatronic puppets.
  • Hey no fair, I do believe Harry Jr. is watching a better movie than I am at the moment.
  • First dancing from Moriarity and now a musical number from a bunch of trolls, a midget reciting The Faerie Queen, and a singing penis.
  • To be truthful, all those trolls look like the Ghoulies, I almost thought that it was a sequel to this.
  • Poor June Lockhart is a long way from Lassie.
  • The knock at the door sounded pre-pubescent? Is she used to young boys knocking on her door? Cougar!
  • Young boy wants to be trained as a wizard and his name just happens to be Harry Potter, I think that would make a good book.
  • Oh okay, it’s a mushroom, not a penis.
  • Animated sparkles and a half-naked Julie Louis-Dreyfuss(s), what more could a guy want?
  • That was a mean Mr. Troll, as if Malcom wasn’t tiny enough, you’ve changed him into an even smaller troll. And he was supposed to be your friend.
  • Ahhh…the back story of the troll and his bad intentions. Now it’s all coming together and starting to make sense…*cough*BULLCRAP*cough*.
  • I always thought that June Lockhart’s acting resembled that of a tree stump and now we have proof.
  • I’m thinking that Torak’s green ring has more cinematic appeal than the Green Lantern’s.
  • Big bat troll on the loose and he looks pissed.
  • TROUPE ALERT!! Bad guy saves the day by killing his own evil creation.
  • And away the family goes off to their new town, Nilbog. (Yes that was a Troll 2 reference)

Dynamic Dialogue:

“I’d rather watch Star Trek. Phasers on dull.”

“Have you been playing with dead cats?”

“I’m in to swinging and children having pillow fights at all hours of  the night while I’m trying to score might cause me a few strikeouts.”

“You can forget the milk honey, he’s in to gin and tonics.”

“Can I come in, I think I’m going to throw up”

“Buzz off you little creeps.”

“Someone probably had their stereo on too loud. Probably one of those kids.” – Good rule of thumb, if in doubt, blame the kids!

Just to be clear, Troll 2, the notoriously so-bad-it’s-hilarious sequel has absolutely no connection to this movie at all. In fact the trolls are referred to as goblins. Nevertheless, this movie is pretty cheesy and the acting isn’t all that great, but there are some enjoyable parts. This would be the perfect scary movie for the 8-10 year old crowd. But if you are looking for some sort of blood and gore slash-fest or a scream flick for your All Hallows Eve get together, this one isn’t for you. I can’t quite give this the dreaded 4 or 5 turds, the mark of reel crap, and I can’t really say that it was all that good either. So, I’ll stick with somewhere in the middle on this one. The 1985 version of Troll gets 3 turds from me. On the good side, I have seen rumors that there is a remake coming on the horizon in the near future.

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Introducing: Warrior of the Lost World (1985)

Looking for a movie with some action, some things blowing up, and a clinic on how to spray bullets without hurting or killing anyone. Well, I’ve got one for you. I just finished watching 1985’s Mad Max ripoff, Warrior of the Lost World. This post-apocalyptic tale will have you wondering how to cut the annoying voice of a talking motorcycle while still keeping all it’s cool features. So, if you are curious but just want to put the movie on fast forward, I’ll provide the highlights for you so that you don’t miss anything important.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: David Worth

Starring: Robert Ginty, Donald Pleasence, Persis Khambatta, Fred Williamson

Tagline: Only one rider can destroy the Omega force.

Rated: R

Stunt Dummy Appearances: 3 (Can you find them all?)

While on the run from treacherous Omega troopers and post-apocalyptic punk rockers, a mercenary (only known as The Rider) and his hyped-up, talking motorcycle named Einstein crashes his way into a lost world where he is deemed “The Chosen One” to rescue their leader who is being held captive and up for death by the evil, Prossor. With the help the leader’s daughter, Natashia, our hero sets off to rescue the good Doctor. In the process of staging a somewhat successful escape from the Omega headquarters, Natashia is trapped and brainwashed into becoming a servant to Prossor, while her father and The Rider flee the area. The two then enlist the help of a rogue’s gallery of misfits to help rebel against the Omega regime and make an attempt to save the vivacious Natashia.

What you would be missing:

  • If the opening soundtrack is any indication, we are in deep trouble here.
  • Good lord, can this opening credit sequence slow down a bit? And holy cow, does this scrolling novel of a prologue ever end?
  • Nice motorcycle chase to start the film with Naziesque security force – Beep Beep Beep
  • Talking motorcycle that is grating on the nerves five minutes into the movie.
  • Dorks and Veg-outs and Geeks – Oh MY!
  • Post apocalyptic vehicle chases – with probably the worst drivers ever.
  • Bad voice dubbing – Yes please!
  • From motorcycle running into a rock cliff side to weird healing ritual with flashlights, to militaristic training center all with no explanation – great editing. This must definitely be the world of Illusion.
  • Hey! Watch where you’re pointing that gun bitch!
  • Since when do tarantulas growl, hiss, and squeak, snakes hiss like electric currents, and…what the hell? Is that a zombie?
  • Nothing says cinematic genius like a post-apocalyptic S&M show.
  • TRMNTR-114 corporal punishment – Hasta la vista, baby.
  • TROPE ALERT!!! – Heroes are deadly with  machine guns randomly firing and decimating hundreds of bad guys. Bad guys however, couldn’t hit a wall if they were standing in front of it, and apparently at point blank range.
  • Don Pleasence! Oh my god is this the model for Austin Power’s Dr. Evil?
  • Fight of the Decade: Punk Rock bitches vs Apocalyptic Hillbillies vs Omega Stormtroopers vs Ninjas vs Punk Surfer Dudes – my god, it’s the cast of the Borderlands video game. And no surprise, the hero rules them all.
  • More bad voice dubbing.
  • Who knew raising a fist would rally the troops?
  • Torture with high pitched synth sounds. Ohhh the humanity!!!
  • And the talking motorcycle is back – Hot to Trot, Hot to Trot, Hot to Trot!!
  • Slow motion car explosions x3, motorcycle and bus casualty x 1, missed bad guy point blank shots x 1,000,000
  • Nobody like a motorcycle with a dirty mouth.
  • Who can stop the large steel plated, flame throwing, spike-sporting Omega dump truck? The talking motorcycle and our hero, that’s who. Well, that ended up being rather anti-climatic.
  • And because of their horrible shooting skills, the Omega troopers are taken hostage by the band of rebels.
  • I shall call her…Mini Me.
  • Witness Fred Williamson’s Lando Calrissian moment. What a twist. I’m guessing someone was thinking sequel. Think again!
  • And somewhere there rides a…Warrior. (And he’s riding that damn talking motorcycle)

Incredible and Thought Provoking Dialogue:

“Oh Boy! Oh Boy! Oh Boy! – Yippee!! Yippee!! Yippee!! – Yee Hah! Yee Hah! Yee Hah! Whoopee!!! Whoopee!!! Whoopee!!!”

“Work is everyone’s freedom. Work must be neat and efficient. Food and entertainment are provided. Silence is its own reward. Obey the laws and obligations. We are very well today.”

“Prepare her for the assembly line.”

“Wow. Wow. Wow”

After watching this movie, I couldn’t decide what it was that I liked most about it. I could recall a lot of things I hated – the soundtrack, the talking motorcycle, the cheesy acting, the stupid hand-to-hand combat sequences) but then it hit me…ahhh, the explosions! This movie had some of the most over the top vehicle explosions I think I’ve ever seen before. It’s almost as if every vehicle was a hydrogen bomb on wheels. And oh yes, I also liked Donald Pleasence as Prossor, but only because I couldn’t get the image of Dr. Evil out of my head the whole time. And the chase scenes weren’t all that bad either.  As far as the rest of the movie goes? Meh. Not much story and a lot of plot holes. If it wasn’t for the most annoying character, Einstein the motorcycle, I would have probably liked it better. CRAP!! CRAP!! CRAP!! So with that said, I am giving this movie 3 turds out of 5 because it did have some redeeming qualities and wasn’t a total waste of time.

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Introducing: Mutant Hunt (1987)

The promise of mutants in a film’s title is always something to behold. The prospect of hunting them makes it even more interesting. I was anticipating my viewing of the film, Mutant Hunt. Well, don’t judge a film by it’s title, because that’s seventy-five minutes of my life I won’t get back, and the images I was left with are liable to haunt me forever. Just in case you don’t have time to watch this sci-fi masterpiece, I’ll provide you with the key points of the film so that you can instead go out and practice up on some lame karate kicks and fighting skills.

Streaming: Netflix

Directed by: Tim Kincaid

Starring: Rick Gianasi, Mary Fahey, Ron Renaldi, Taunie Vrenon, Stormy Spill (not even kidding)

Tagline: Man has created his ultimate enemy.

Rated: Not Rated

Missed Kick/Punch Count:  25 or possibly more

An evil henchmen who apparently earned a GED from the Academy of Evil Villains unleashes his horde of robots on New York City hopped up on their drug of choice, euphorium (or something like that) and kidnaps the scientist who had a hand in creating them. The scientist’s sister escapes capture and vows to rescue her brother by rooting out martial-arts expert (apparently self-proclaimed) and acclaimed mutant hunter, Matt Riker. Along the way, Domina, another villain and apparent Academy lab partner of Z, get jealous that Z is using all the euphorium and begins to create her own specimen. Riker enlists the help of his fellow trained monster killers, Felix and Elaine, who combined with their vast arsenal of martial arts kicks and missed punches, battle the deadly and blood-thirsty Z, Domina, and their troop of killing machines.

What you would be missing:

  • Two opposing villains, this could get interesting.
  • Give a robot a dose of euphorium and they become a sex machine, but then have to kill every six hours. The robot’s version of Viagra.
  • Something disturbing about seeing a man “fight” in his tightie whities…gross. Get some clothes on dude. My god, I’m hoping thats a chihuahua he’s smuggling in his shorts.
  • That is one sparsely furnished apartment unless you count the weapons hung on the walls and laying on bedside desktops. Arrows, samurai swords, shotgun, some strange laser thing, etc.
  • Don’t mind the hooker robot who was just thrown out the window in a pile of “blood” and egg yolk. Either that or Ryker had just given her a fill up.
  • Fight scenes that look like two eight-year old kids choreographed them and were very careful not to make any actual contact with each other. Complete with random kick and punch “slapping” sounds thrown in, you’d think the eight year old created the sound effects for the scenes as well with their mouths.
  • Um…hey cyborg…if your handcuffed to a pipe and plan on cutting your hand off, you might want to cut on the other side of the clasp. – Oh well, guess I was the fool, continuity in movies is overrated anyway…especially this one.
  • Quite the classy strip club. The dancer may want to invest in some moth balls for her closet, that outfit is full of holes.
  • Two long-haired tough guy brothers charge the stage and get their asses kicked – too bad none of her kicks landed. This of course was after one had his arm around the other seductively whispering in his ear.
  • Where can I get myself one of those kick ass watches and hyper running shoes.
  • Mr. Speedy Shoes is the keeper of the gadgets – Riker’s own Agent Q.
  • Human Life Termination – In Progress – Pop goes a head
  • A bomb implanted at the base of the skull. And without any anesthesia. This guy is as tough as nails.
  • Holy cow, if the quality of acting was any indication, it would be tough to find someone who wasn’t a cyborg.
  • Oh my, someone needs to teach this villainess how to properly tie a hostage up in chains.
  • Uh oh , look out it’s the two tough brothers. I’m sure they will get the job done. Nevermind.
  • Oh, I don’t know, perhaps a bad soundtrack choice maybe?
  • Probably the best special effects of the movie are with the half-faced robot.
  • I wonder if these guys did all their own stunts, the jump from the top of the bus was quite dangerous and graceful at the same time.
  • The fight sequences just keep getting better and better as the movie progresses. I think I’ve seen more realistic fighting at the local Renaissance Festival. Lightning Bolt-Lightning Bolt-Lightning Bolt!
  • Oompa Loompa doopety do – we all wear white and move boxes for you.
  • I’m getting the feeling that Z was an Evil Genius school dropout.
  • Hey Mexican Cheetah guy, why don’t you just stand there while your partners are getting beat up by these horny, blood-thirsty cyborgs.
  • And mysteriously there is blood on Z. Is he a professional wrestler by trade, I think he bladed!
  • The action in this film is fast paced and furious, it just looks like everyone is in slow motion.
  • Even the little girl in this movie has trouble keeping her clothes on properly. Looks like job security for the owners of Club Inferno.
  • And the heroes walk toward the camera in dramatic fashion to end the movie. What no explosion in the background?

Academy Award winning Dialogue:

“…ever since the space shuttle sex murders two years ago”

“I hate it when men save me.”

“Thank you Doe-mean-a.”

“I’ve just finished implanting a micro explosive device at the base of your skull.”

“You sorry collection of useless filaments.”

“Watch out, his hand, don’t let him use his hand!”

I must say that this film was made by a former gay-porn director and god am I thankful that this was the film of his I watched. This film was BAD, BAD, BAD on many levels, but I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard at a movie that tries to take itself seriously. I seriously had to stop the movie on a couple of occasions because I was laughing so loud. The cheesy acting, the lamer than lame fight scenes, the inconsistencies in the film’s plot and from scene to scene, the unforgivable dialogue, oh…I could go on and on. As far as movie quality goes, this film deserves a 5 turd rating, but because of the sheer fact that it was what I can only describe as… an entertaining kind of terrible, I’ll give it 4 turds instead.

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Introducing: Mac and Me (1988)

It seems that I have been in the mood lately to rewatch movies that I grew up with. So upon browsing through the greatness that is Netflix Instant Stream, I find this little gem. If anyone is interested in watching a 99 minute commercial that seems mysteriously like the movie E.T., then Mac and Me is the movie for you. Or if you’d rather spend that hour and a half working on a dance routine for your next McDonalds birthday party, I’m providing you with only the important highlights of the film. Call it the Clif-Notes for Mac and Me.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Stewart Raffill

Starring: Jade Calegory, Jonathan Ward, Christine Ebersole

Tagline: Out of this World and in to your Heart

Rated: PG

Blatant Product Placement: 8 (give or take several)

A family of aliens are accidentally sucked up from their unknown planet by an US Spacecraft and brought back to Earth. Once returning to Earth, nosy scientists and government officials let the aliens escape from the craft and they are immediately separated from the youngest member of the family, Mac. Mac, which stands for “Mysterious Alien Creature” and ironically is never really mentioned in the movie, but nevertheless finds himself stowing away in a Volkswagen van on its way to California. The van is occupied by a young wheelchair bound boy named Eric and his family consisting of brother and mother. Eric befriends Mac after a number of antics from the young alien that get the boy in trouble and together they go on an adventure to find Mac’s lost family.

Would you would be Missing:

  • Probably the ugliest looking alien you have ever seen.
  • Even the alien husband is getting bitched out by the wife. Males can’t buy a break, even in space. And why does the dad alien look like Dick Van Patten?
  • Man those NASA spacecrafts sure do have some great vacuum suction, just ask that family of aliens. I wonder if it’s a Dyson?
  • The spacecraft is giving birth!
  • Would someone please get those aliens some clothes? Those bodies are disturbing!
  • Alien baby is free! Oops damn, electrical fences…oops, damn cars…damn windshields…SPLAT!!
  • Have you ever wondered what an alien would look like flattened up against your windshield? True laugh out loud moment!
  • Great, move to a new neighborhood and the first person you’re greeted with is a nature-loving hippie.
  • Aliens don’t make for a good doorstop.
  • Snorks!!
  • Blatant product placement: Skittles, Otter Pops, United Van Lines
  • Wow congrats to the boy’s stunt double! That was quite a fall. Only a dummy would do that.
  • An alien’s version of Extreme Home Makeover
  • Blatant product placement: McDonald’s, Coca~Cola, Valvoline
  • If Pat Morita and Mini-Me ever crossed their DNA, they would get this baby alien.
  • The stunt dummy makes an appearance again, this time on the back of a vacuum.
  • Who knew that aliens could read?
  • Alright, who’s going to get the kid in he wheelchair back up that large hill?
  • Very smart, no one will ever notice the moving and sputtering teddy bear with the blinking eyes. Nice disguise.
  • Blatant product placement: McDonald’s – complete with a birthday party. I’m sorry, but I’m pretty sure McDonald’s birthday parties don’t all break out into badly choreographed dance numbers. – I’ll forget that I just saw uniformed football players dancing – Oh hell no…we now have a dancing “teddy”.
  • Good lord, how long do those shriveled up arms stretch anyway and since when did Mac earn the power of flight?
  • This movie has to have a record number of near miss car wrecks and run overs.
  • Blatant Product Placement: Sears
  • Ahhh…now I get it! Valvoline oil advertisement, horses, daisies to represent windmills…it’s all coming together! Whatever, who the hell am I kidding?
  • How convenient that the tracks leading into the mine are just right for a wheelchair to travel on.
  • There is a lot of sucking things in this movie: spacecraft sucking up family…alien sucking soda through a straw…alien being sucked up by vacuum…aliens sucking in air through their “O’ faced mouth…this movie in general…yep a lot of sucking.
  • And you thought the peopleofwalmart.com site had some interesting characters. Nice to see that aliens can get some shopping done at the grocery store.
  • Mac seems to have some problems staying a consistent size throughout the movie. What was once a giant dancing bear is once again a small baby alien.
  • Damn that stunt dummy had gotten a lot of work in this film and I would argue probably some of the best acting as well.
  • Alien bad touch! Alien bad touch! Where’s Happy Bear when you need him?
  • Sure, the aliens bring the boy back to life. The least that they could do would be to allow him to walk too.
  • Damn, is it really that easy for aliens to become citizens of the United States? Okay so, I wished the aliens would have put clothes on – well I apologize, they look even creepier with them.
  • And with the last scene of the movie, a dumb movie just got really, really stupid – There was a reason why E.T. was sent back home.
  • We’ll be back?
  • Ronald McDonald as himself in the credits.

Quotable Quotes:

“Do you think it was a drunk?” – “It was probably an ADUI.” – “What’s that?” – “An Alien Driving Under the Influence”

“Your mother tells me that you’ve been seeing some…things”

“Those kids…those kids just ran off with a…” – “…creature from outer space?”

“Just keep him dancing and they’ll just think it’s a teddy”

“That’s right, that’s right. Be the mommy, be the mommy.”

Don’t think for one second that I would let anyone get away without seeing this dance number fit for any youngster’s birthday party.

Based on the fact that I was duped as a youngster to want to see this movie because of the resemblance to one of my most beloved film, E.T., growing up, this film is unforgivable. I wish there was more substance to Mac and Me because I really wanted to like it and hoped that I would have a film I could be proud to say I watched several times growing up. But, yet again, I was denied

And because of that, I am giving this movie 4 out of a 5 possible turds. You stink Mac; you have nothing on E.T.

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The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies (1964)

If you are in the mood for a good zombie movie with a lot of scares and grotesque scenes of eating brains and munching on humans, then stay totally clear of this complete disaster. Calling this film a B-Movie is giving it two grades higher than it deserves. I had the dubious honor of watching this incredibly strange creature of a film. The good thing is that since I decided to take one for the team, you can now use that 84 minutes to write the lyrics to your own unintelligible song about nothing in particular.

Streaming on: Crackle

Directed by: Ray Dennis Steckler

Starring: Cash Flagg, Carolyn Brandt, Brett O’Hara

Rated: R

Tagline: A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters…

Jerry and his friend, Harold, take his girlfriend on an evening out by going to the local amusement park complete with fortune teller and dance hall full of “strippers”. After visiting the fortune teller and receiving information that was undesirable, Jerry decides to ditch the girlfriend and spend his evening watching the dance hall girls. While watching, Jerry is invited back stage, by the hideouly handsome, Ortega, strange things happen to Jerry that turn him into a cold blooded killer. What about the zombies you ask? Don’t bother.

What you would be missing:

      • One horned up Fortune Teller…with a gigantic mole on her face and a bad fake tan.
      • Maybe if she used that poison on her own face, she might get rid of that mole.
      • Dubbed in scream from what is sure to be an impressive acting performance. For crying out loud lady it’s just a cat. And please God, tell me that’s not the same teddy bear that I had growing up.
      • Two swinging guys riding in a shag’on wagon.
      • Holy hair do! – Nice dramatic chipmunk moment there Angie.
      • Hey let’s go to the amusement park over there. That looks like fun.
      • Probably the most disturbing and annoying ticket vendor I’ve ever seen.
      • Oh those wacky teens, just having a good time. I’ve never felt so giddy and happy that I feel the need to randomly hop like someone lit a firecracker in my ass.
      • A dull and lame stand up comedy routine. Where’s Michael Richards when you need him?
      • And I thought shaky cams in today’s films were nauseating.
      • Wow, who was the set designer on this film…Yikes! Looks like the film was made for $38,000, oh wait, it was.
      • Damn that death card about as terrifying as getting the Old Maid!
      • What a waste of fifty cents.
      • Ortega sure is an ugly fellow, looks like a cross between Oliver Twist’s Fagin and a Walmart $2.00 Halloween mask.
      • We all know those two little boys at the front of the stage are just dying to go in to the stripper show, they sure have been there a long time.
      • Worst carnival show ever. – Am I the only one who can picture Adele recording this song and making it a hit?
      • The three guys in the crowd sure make a lot of noise, considering two of them weren’t clapping.
      • Man she’s good at hypnotism, I almost feel like falling asleep. Oh wait, it actually has nothing to do with her hypnotism techniques – it’s the directors.
      • I’m starting to wonder if this is supposed to be a musical or not. At least four musical numbers so far. No of them worth a damn.
      • Drunk Marge trying to dance again. That didn’t last long. Jerry comes in for the kill. Kill that mannequin, kill that mannequin.
      • Ummm…what the hell was that? I’m going to chalk that up to a filmmaker’s acid trip.
      • Good grief, another song…good thing is, we can’t understand the lyrics to the song.
      • Another dancing and musical number. Milli Vanili have nothing on this chick. She only seems to be in sync with the soundtrack on close up shots. Shick out of Shape? What the hell does that mean?
      • Oh my god, yet another undistinquishable musical number.
      • Harold, what accent is that? You sound like Jean Claude Van Damme and Arnold Schwarzenagger munching on a bag of marbles.
      • Jerry looks like a dead ringer for Eminem in that hoodie. OJ could have taken some tips from him, quite the killing spree without a drop of blood on him.
      • And the reward for most retarded looking and acting zombies goes to…this film!
      • I can totally see African tribes dancing to this same music!
      • There’s those two little kids again, for god’s sake just let them into the show will ya!
      • So, is it customary to bite your knuckles when you scream?
      • This last scene must go on forever.
      • The End…Thank the lord.

Academy Award Winning Dialogue:

“You dirty, filthy pig! So, I belong with the freaks, huh? I’ll fix you so even the freaks won’t look at you.”

“Ortega, Ortega, take him and make him like my other pets!”

“Get your tickets here. Get your tickets, get your tickets, get your tickets here!”

“Clouds affect only the cloudy”

“We have 20 beautiful girls and only ten beautiful costumes!” – Well, that was a lie on both counts.

“Look at the wheel…see how it speens.”

Well, just to let you know, there were zombies eventually. They thankfully entered the film just in time to break up one final dreadful musical number. This movie had quite the array of genres mixed in to one. Unfortunately, none of them worked really well. The film had one of the most appalling cast of actors I think I’ve ever seen. The set was not good nor was the soundtrack. However, I must say that for $38,000 one can’t expect too much. Despite it’s meager budget and lofty expectations, this film is getting the dreaded 5 turds out of 5 from me.

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