Tag Archives: Supernatural

Introducing: Grim (1995)

Grim Who doesn’t like a good monster movie every once in a while. It had been a while since I sat  down to a monster flick  that wasn’t a traditional zombie or ghost. While searching through the steaming library of Netflix, I ran upon a film what had the most interesting looking monster as it’s cover art. I noticed that it had a one star rating on Netflix and when searching for it in Rotten Tomatoes, it didn’t even have a rating from critics and only a 10% audience rating. With rating like those, that makes for an awful monster movie. So, I thought what the heck,what have I got to lose.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Paul Matthews

Starring: Emmanuel Xuereb (good luck pronouncing that one), Jack Chancer, David Kennedy, Tres Hanley

Rated: R

Tagline: This ain’t no fairytale

A group of spelunkers visit an old abandoned underground mine to see why there are cracks in the foundations of area homes. During their investigations of the mines, the visitors come in contact with a gigantic monster that seems to have been conjured up by a couple of the visitors during a seance at their home. The monster plays with and feeds on unsuspecting humans and keeps them locked up in cages. The monster has the ability to possess the minds of those that come in contact with it and has the uncanny propensity of walking through walls. One of the adventurers, Steve, mysteriously had a medallion that supposedly hurts the monster and he offers up his girlfriend as a sacrifice to the monster, known as Grim. During the attemptedsacrifice, the two “experts” of the group, find a way to destroy Grim by using light. This knowledge leads them to a plan that will hopefully stop the monster and get themselves out of the catacombs alive.

What you won’t want to miss:

  • Using a Ouija board to conjure up a monster or spirit means that the writers don’t want to explain where the monster comes from. Troupe alert!!
  • King Kong coming through the floor always brings an end to a séance
  • All the boys things she’s a spy, she’s got, Betty Davis eyes
  • Having problems with cracks in your foundation, join an amateur spelunking expedition. Hop they signed a liability waiver.
  • Music sounds like it came from a bargain bin 99 cent Halloween music CD.
  • Those exploding styrofoam walls sure make for great effects.
  • Watch out for the badly animated bats.
  • Red infrared sight is not the best for seeing in dark spaces.
  • Cue the upset female overacting.
  • Hey, even a monster has to kick back in the recliner too. It’s tough work…killing and eating people.
  • Hey Trish, nice of you to drop in.
  • Grim looks like nothing more than a person in a World of Warcraft orc suit.
  • I don’t suppose anyone has an explanation for the torches that are already lit. If there is no airflow, how can they stay lit?
  • And are those human sized cages on sale at just any hardware store or just those visited by man-eating trolls?
  • With teeth like those, why would a monster need a meat cleaver?
  • If you witnessed the butchering and beheading of people, you’d be  bat shit crazy too. “Here birdie, birdie.”
  • Skulls crack like ceramic masks.
  • Sunlight and bad special effects make a monster turn to stone.

Depressing Dialogue:

“Honey, what’s that disgusting smell?”

“This is spooky.” – “Oh come on, we did worse things when we were kids on Halloween.” – Giggle Giggle Giggle

“Sara, Sara, where’s my masccara Sara?”

“If anything happens, run like hell. Do you understand? Run like hell.

The Final Word:

Comments from people at IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes have crapped all over his film and going so far as to say that Grim is one of the worst movies ever made. This movie does indeed have it’s faults, but I don’t know that I would go quite that far, have any of these people not seen Mutant Hunt or Birdemic for that matter. Now, don’t get me wrong, this movie is nowhere near good. The acting is pretty bad and the soundtrack is just atrocious. The monster is somewhat interesting looking and the design probably would have been put to better use in another plot. And speaking of the plot, well, there wasn’t much of one. The story had several plot holes that were very distracting and disjointed. Where did the monster come from? Why does it choose to attack certain people? I could go in to more detail, but why should I, the movie itself didn’t. I’m giving this movie 4 turds, but only because it’s lucky that I’ve seen worse movies than Grim.

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Introducing: ThanksKilling (2009)

Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching and the time for stuffing oneself to the point of being immobile is upon us. It’s tradition in many homes to watch football after the Thanksgiving dinner, while some families like to hit the movie theaters to check out the new Hollywood holiday blockbusters. I say, forget all that, why not sit back and watch a movie in the luxury of your own living room? It’s comfortable, you don’t have to pay an arm and a leg for it, the 3D glasses won’t give you a headache, and you can get up to pee anytime without missing any of the movie. Thanksgiving themed movies are very few and far between, especially cheesy ones. I have however found one that might be what you need to take your mind off of the busy holiday and might be just what you need before attacking the crowds at the Black Friday sales! This by the way is NOT a family film!

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Jordan Downey

Starring: Chuck Lamb, Lance Predmore, Lindsey Anderson, General Bastard

Rated: Not Rated

Tagline: Gobble, Gobble, Motherf#cker

Number of F-Bombs from a turkey: 7

An ancient Indian shaman puts a curse on a turkey, named Turkie,  to get revenge on the pilgrims for taking their land. Years later, after being awoken by dog piss, the turkey emerges once again to kill poor anything in it’s path. Enter our characters, five college students on their way home for Thanksgiving break. Their vehicle stalls on the side of the road and the students have to camp out overnight where they are spotted by the turkey. The murderous fowl tracks the students, kills their families, and aims to kill each one of them one by one.

What you should look for:

  • Boobs! Always a pretty good way to start a film. And pilgrim boobs at that.
  • Pretty impressive title sequence
  • Boobs again – not quite as impressive as the first set
  • A jock, a slutty dumb girl, a fat sarcastic guy, a nerd, and a good girl – yep all stereotypes accounted for.
  • Note to self, don’t piss on totem poles.
  • Boobs! Well, some what.
  • Turkey poop that looks like dog food?
  • Apparently turkeys can carry rifles with them. What the hell am I pondering that, this turkey talks for god sakes.
  • A sex scene that brings new meaning to the words “stuffing the turkey”.
  • Extra small gravy flavored condoms. They make those right? They were right next to the pumpkin pie flavored ones.
  • What’s dumber, a turkey with Groucho Marx glasses and nose or a grown man in a turkey outfit.
  • If the face doesn’t fit, you must acquit.
  • Be careful, eating imaginary food can be bad for your health.
  • Turkeys live in tipis and make salads for dinner.
  • Hey, why not watch a movie after you’ve just seen several family members die. Good way to take your mind off the cleanup.
  • Radioactive turkey! Next time cook it in the oven, not the microwave.
  • And that’s why you don’t french kiss a turkey.
  • Hang in there Johnny, it’s just a slight flesh would.
  • Everyone has a tower of sticks in their front yard right?
  • When the turkey dinner runs away, it’s time to go home.

Oscar Worthy Dialogue:

“Pull your shirt down, it’s Thanksgiving; not Tits-giving.”

“I’m thankful that your mom has the juiciest poon in town.”

“Oh please Ally, your legs are harder to shut than the Jon Bonet Ramsey case.” Said twice just in case you didn’t get it the first time. And the characters laugh and react to it as if they never heard it.

“I’m gonna drink your blood like cranberry sauce.”

“My dad has a huge collection of books, I’m sure he has something on killer turkeys.”

“It’s not your fault, there are just somethings in life we can’t control. And unfortunately this isn’t like a football game that we can just call an audible at any time.”

“Don’t be silly, that kind of stuff only happens in movies.”

“Ahhhh…my feathers are melting!”

“Do I smell sequel?”

Okay, okay…I realize that the whole point of the movie was to be as cheesy as possible. And that they filmmakers’ intentions were not to take the film too seriously. It was meant to be a bad movie. I get that. Knowing that, made this film a lot more enjoyable to watch. The filmmakers were able to make this movie on a budget of $3500, which I must say was pretty damn impressive. I thought the title sequence was great! Now the acting left a little to be desired, but I’m sure that the acting was meant to be done badly as well. On the film’s official website the producers tell you to “take the movie with a grain of salt”. How can you not while watching this? With that said and knowing the tongue-in-cheek intentions of the film, I rather liked it. There were parts that made me laugh at the sheer absurdity of it all. Because this film doesn’t take itself too seriously and that it is the holiday season, I can only give this movie 1 turkey turds out of 5.

There are two sequels to this film as well. Neither of them are streaming online as of yet.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!!

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Ghoulies (1985)

Remember those movies from your childhood that you remember by one or more distinct images. You remember the images but don’tGhoulies movie poster remember actually watching the movie. Such is the case with Ghoulies. The image of the Ghoulie coming out of the toilet will forever be one that I can harkon back to my childhood and scaring my cousin, telling her that we had Ghoulies in our backpacks. With those visions in my head that I watch this movie of the 80’s that tried to piggyback on the fame of Gremlins. It didn’t work.

If you feel the need to watch this B-movie classic, then I have provided you with the Cliff Notes version that will help guide you through the interesting parts, that way you can watch it on fast forward and not miss any of this cinematic masterpiece.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Luca Bercovici

Starring: Peter Liapis, Lisa Pelikan, Jack Nance

Rated: PG-13

Tagline: They’ll get you in the end.

Jonathon and his girlfriend/wife move into a mansion he inherits not knowing that the mansion was used to house a satanic cult and the botched ritual involving a baby that happened 25 years earlier. Jonathon soon finds books about the occult throughout the house and takes an interest going as far as holding his own seance.  This spewing of incantations, brings forth little demons, or Ghoulies, that must obey their new master Jonathon. Unbeknownst to Jonathon, his dabbling into the cult has also awoken the mansion’s former leader from the grave who returns to complete the ritual from years ago.

What you would have seen:

  • Crazy green eyed cult leader – have a little trouble taking off that cloak there buddy?
  • A tribble with teeth? I’m guessing Jim Henson had nothing to do with these puppets.
  • Single grave in the front yard is never a good sign. Not to mention the pentagram on the headstone.
  • Creepy caretaker making eyes at the girlfriend. He looks like a cross between John C. Reilly and Santa Claus.
  • Books in the house about Black Magic, Witchcraft, and Pentagrams – hmmm…anyone else getting a red flag here?
  • Something about a macho Italian jerk who’s stuck on himself named Dick that makes you hate him.
  • The ultimate party game – Satanic Ritual in a circle.
  • Quitting school to study the Dark Arts and Black Magic? What? The local college didn’t offer those as courses in the curriculum?
  • Do we really need the voice ever narration?
  • And the Ghoulies come out of hiding.  Dick Nose, an ugly cat, a bat, and a Green Booger
  • Might want to check the pipes in the basement, you seem to have sprung a leak.
  • Could someone please get these Ghoulies a Kleenex?
  • What’s worse than saying another woman’s name while getting it on with your girl…apparently chanting encantations to summon demons. Sheesh, some women just don’t understand.
  • Just what this movie needed, two nearly hairless Ewoks, one of which needs to chew on some wood to keep those teeth down.
  • Where can I get me a pair of those green eyes?
  • What great dinner hosts, white cloaks for everyone. Now let’s howl at the moon!
  • Damn those dwarfs are tiny.
  • Cause it’s a Thriller, Thriller night. You’re fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight
  • Holy cow, there’s more boogers. And they have six-pack abs. I’m jealous.
  • Great, now dead Malcolm from the grave now has control over his own set of Ghoulies. Where can I get a set of my very own?
  • Pretty sure that wasn’t the french kiss he was hoping to get.
  • So that’s what two little dwarfs fighting a dick nosed ghoulie look like. Watch out, she’s deadly with that club.
  • As if the breakdancing moves weren’t bad enough at the first of the movie.
  • Oh dear, somebody forgot to flush.
  • Jonathan, I am your Father!  Nooooooooo!!!
  • Be careful, don’t  throw him up against the walls too hard, those community theater sets could fall down.
  • The jolly caretaker comes to the rescue with a staff to Malcolm’s back and a laugh that is quite distrubing – let the electric shock battle begin.
  • Amazing, all dead friends come back to life once evil is destroyed.
  • Looks like he picked up a few extra passengers.
  • Roll credits.

Deep and Thought Provoking Dialogue:

“What do you guys want to do?” – “Why don’t we play Hide and Seek?”

“If you do not drink, you will burn. The choice is yours.”

“Wow man, that chick is really a screamer.”

“No doubt about it, Mr. Dick, you are a lucky guy.”

“Hey dude, don’t Bogart that joint.”

As I mentioned before, this movie was firmly embedded into my childhood memories. However, I don’t remember and can’t believe that my mother would ever let me watch a movie like this growing up. I’m sure if I did see it, I would have thought it was awesome, what with the creatures and the killings, etc. Watching it again some 20+ years later, I have come to realize that this movie sucks just as bad as most everyone else did and that only a 10 year old would like it. However, I did get a couple of chuckles here and there.

Because of those childhood memories this movie brings, I am going to forgive it a bit for being so shlocky. With that said, I am giving this movie 3 turds out of 5.

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Dark Tower (1989)

After a long week of work, is anyone interested in watching a movie that centers on a haunted office building with flying tools and some god awful editing shots? Well, lucky for you, I watched it so that you can spend your weekend playing catch the window washer with the family.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Freddie Francis, Ken Wiederhorn

Starring: Michael Moriarty, Jenny Agutter, Kevin McCarthy

Rated: R

Tagline: In a city that never sleeps… this building is a nightmare.

Ambitious, workaholic, business woman, and architect, Carolyn Page, spends many hours in her soon to be completed skyscraper of her own design in Barcelona. When strange events begin to happen, such as the mysterious death of a window washer and the unexplained demise of a security guard (unexplained is not a stretch either), she begins to wonder what is causing the mysterious events. To the rescue comes a detective who has a sixth sense who thinks that a ghost may be the culprit.

What you would be missing:

  • That window washer just can’t get that one spot clean, he’s been washing it for two minutes now.
  • An executive who needs to learn how to catch a little better. It was a dummy falling 29 stories for god sakes.
  • A leading lady who looks like a cross between Lily Tomlin and one of the Terror Dogs from Ghostbusters. “I am Zuul.” Please tell me that if there are boobs in this movie, they are not hers.
  • Somehow somebody dies in an elevator. I watched the damn scene three times and I still have no clue.
  • Again with the elevator?
  • Exec with a gun, that’s never good.
  • Strange guy in the lobby and really bad special effect disappearance. So bad in fact, the scenery in the background freezes after disappearing.
  • My, have our computers come a long way. How did those green characters on a black screen not fry people’s eyeballs out?
  • Did he just rub his junk up against her arm?
  • Alright, enough of the damn elevator!!
  • Moriarty talks with a slur without having to drink that alcohol. It’s painful to listen to him talk.
  • Holy cow, Ms. Agutter’s hair is a constantly changing rat’s nest.
  • That computer must have quite an extensive database and knows everything about everybody. Did it just say that Dr. Gold took a dump three times on Saturday?
  • Oh boy, a clairvoyant detective, this plot just got a lot more…stupid.
  • What a lovely apartment. Turquoise walls, flowery furniture, a huge 10″ box TV, and just the perfect music to put a horny lady in the mood. Or was that part of the soundtrack, lord I hope not.
  • Watch out for the flying metal bars.
  • So, at what point do people start taking the stairs instead of these elevators?
  • Wonderful film editing in between filling glass one and glass two.
  • Great, I have to rewind 10 minutes, I must have dozed off.
  • Don’t you hate it when a mysterious wind blows through your office and ruins everything.
  • Special effect film skip number three.
  • Either Netflix is having some hiccups or this is some REALLLLY bad film quality.
  • Ten minutes of three guys walking aimlessly around an unfinished building.
  • This movie has got to have more dialogue with a character talking to themselves rather than to another character in movie history. I don’t think Tom Hanks talked to himself this much in Castaway.
  • That screwdriver went perfectly right into that pre-cut hole in the crazy doctor’s pant leg. Good aim ghosty, good aim.
  • That Caroline is sure a strong woman to push poor hopeless men all over the place. Must just be a coincidence that those live wires were just hanging loosely on the construction site.
  • Pretty impressive looking monster – doesn’t make the film any better however.
  • Okay, so apparently taking the stairs isn’t much better.
  • And it all ends inside a paper mache wall.
  • Soundtrack music at the end that is creepy than the whole movie. Sounds like one of those $2.00 music CDs of scary music you’d buy at Halloween time.

Can’t miss Dialogue:

“Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action.”

“Finding eternal rest and all that bulls**t. If you ask me, that’ll be too good for the pr**k”

This movie is nothing special to say the least. Despite the casting of Michael Moriarty, even his “acting chops” could not save this dismal film. It was only 91 minutes, but seemed to drown on for 191 minutes instead. The film was cursed with several bits of very bad editing, even the cool looking monster at the end was not enough to save it. This movie just fails.

I am giving the movie 4 out of 5 turds, some especially smelly ones too.

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