Tag Archives: The Asylum

Introducing: DragonQuest (2009)

dragonquest-2009-coverNothing says “horrible movie” than a direct to DVD fantasy adventure. And The Asylum production company is never one to let us down. The latest film I watched was a hero’s quest to save the kingdom. And believe me when I tell you that the quest was a total waste of time for both film watchers and apparently script writers.  You will go on a difficult quest yourself by trying to  make it through this movie in one sitting without getting up to do something else or restart because you fell asleep, which trust me, is more difficult of a quest than that of the film’s hero. So to help you make it through the movie, I’ve provided you with some of the most important parts of the film.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Mark Atkins

Starring: Marc Singer (the f’n Beastmaster!), Daniel Bonjour, Jason Connery, Brian Thompson, Jennifer Dorogi

Rated: PG-13

Tagline: Our fate lies in the hands of one.

Rotten Tomato Score: 11%

Number of color changes to Arkadi’s shirt: 4

Plot: A young boy (mildly) is forced to be a hero and complete a series of quests to find the precious stones of virtue and piece together a medallion that will help him defeat a dragon conjured up by an evil ancient warlord.

Important things you won’t want to miss:

  • Impressive sweeping landscapes to open the movie
  • Squeezing the blood out of a necklace summons shadow dragons. Wait what?
  • Meanwhile at Hansel and Gretel’s cabin…
  • Typical teenager, smoking magic dust and perving on the neighbor girl.
  • Fire Dragons tend to be the most intimidating, except to teenagers.
  • CGI castle is home to many angry actors
  • Epic battle 300 style, with animated blood spatter and severed head. THIS IS SPARTA…no, it’s not, it’s crap.
  • Talking dragons makes old people commit suicide.
  • Don’t mess with scantily clad women wielding sticks and powerful legs.
  • In my day, Maxim was the name of a men’s magazine not a Beastmaster trying to talk like a pirate. Arrrrrr.
  • Marc Singer (Maxim) has quite the rubber face. Somebody give that guy some prunes, it seems as though he needs to take a poop.
  • Eight foot river monster lives in a creek that looks to be only 5 feet across. That’s one deep ass creek bed.
  • Safety Tips for Kids #1: You must control the urge to smoke a tin foil star covered blunt while in the belly of a beast.
  • The Keeper must be brave to put a jewel from the green sparkly belly of a river monster in their mouth. Gross.
  • I don’t suppose anyone could get that vendor a pair of finger nail clippers?  How does she wipe for God-sake?
  • Oh lovely, nothing like a chain breaking and sleeping bearded guy montage to make the movie drag on even more.
  • And the point of the large exoskeleton spider was what? Other than a reason to use some bad CGI effects? And wow, that has to be the most brightly lit cave I’ve ever seen.
  • Well, that’s one gem that I wouldn’t have gotten. It’s in the tub for me!
  • Seems like the jewels of the medallion are just laying all over the place and everyone has one.
  • Safety Tips for Kids #2: Never follow a Vulcan-like man into a tent by yourself. Nothing good will come of it.
  • Note the ease that Maxim the Knight takes out the most worthless group of minions ever.
  • Arkadi, I’d be frustrated to, I mean you’ve worked so hard to find the gem stones, considering most of them were just given to you.
  • Not only do Kirill’s minions attack one at a time, but they also use plastic swords to do it.
  • Light/Ice Dragon is like a fully grown Pokeman creature.
  • Five minutes of non-climatic plasma beam fight between hero and villain ends in forced facial expressions.

Dialogue:

“What’s in your pouch boy?” (That’s probably not something you should be asking a young boy.)

“He became blind to the greatest virtue of all, humility.”

“I didn’t ask for this. I don’t want it.”

“The bed’s not soft, but the latrine is convenient.” (So just shit anywhere you want, the writers seemed to.)

“The virtues in the stones, will match the virtues in the man. The power lies in you.”

THE FINAL WORD:

DragonQuest is not a good movie. There, I didn’t beat around the bush. Despite the awesome and gorgeous landscape shots that were seen throughout the film, they were not enough to save this movie from itself. The plot features one of the lamest quests ever seen in film. The hero had to do absolutely nothing to get the gems with the exception of one. It seems as though everyone has a gem to give out thus not making the hero go through hardly any danger to receive the gems to complete his quest. And come to find out, that he doesn’t even find the all the gems. The fight scenes were lacking of any type of creative choreography to consider this an action movie. The fights consisted of the same pattern every time and goes as follows: Villain swings, hero ducks, hero grabs villain’s arm and swings their weapon for the “kill”. While the acting is not great, it is rather serviceable considering the story. If this film starred Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp, it still would not have been enough to make this movie any less painful to watch. 4 fiery dragon turds for this one.

dragonquest capture 1

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Introducing: MegaShark vs Crocosaurus (2010)

Giant and abnormally sized animals usually don’t make for a great movie premise. Think of all those movies we’ve seen over the years with giant ants, spiders, anacondas, etc. These types of movies are not blockbuster caliber, but usually make for a good chance to sit back and unwind and enjoy the hump day. What a great way to just let your mind go and be entertained. That’s when I had my curiosity peaked when the title Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus crept across my “Recommended” listings on Netflix. (An embarrassing fact about my  somewhat lack of taste in my Netflix viewing habits apparently.) As I cranked up this movie however, I was in for a night of cheesy acting and many a plot hole – just what a B-movie needs. I hadn’t counted on something like this however. Take my advice and watch through this film with the fast forward button pressed firmly.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Christopher Ray

Starring: Jaleel White, Gary Stretch, Robert Picardo

Tagline: Whoever wins…We lose!

Rated: R

Number of scenes reused: 4

In this sequel to the ever-so-popular, “Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, an over-sized, prehistoric crocodile emerges from a cave to gobble up people and look for a place to lay its eggs. Meanwhile, a large prehistoric shark, a Megalodon, is disturbed by some experimental sonar sounds that make it go bat shit crazy. While both creatures wreak havoc over their respective surroundings, a team of scientists and naval officers look for a way to destroy both animals. The crocodile is captured and is accidentally let loose during transport, which was conveniently where the Megalodon was roaming the seas. After the croc lays her eggs, the shark decides that a diet of naval sailors wasn’t fulfilling enough and makes its way to snack on the  newly laid crocodile eggs. This pisses the croc off and they battle each other out to sea while the scientists work out a plan to lure them into a specific area to blow them up using a nuclear submarine.

What you want to watch for:

  • Warning!! This is a film made by The Asylum.
  • Hey Master, what accent are you going for there, Australian? Red-neck? Australian Red-Neck?
  • Giant crocodile that would make Ray Harryhausen proud
  • Oh my god, it’s Steve Urkel!
  • Wow, that’s a big ass shark.
  • Remember that scene from Free Willy when Willy jumps over the embankment? Imagine that scene with a battleship and a shark.
  • So is that considered jumping the shark?
  • Nice wild boar backpack
  • Don’t know which is worse, the acting or the CGI?
  • Smart idea. Let’s jump in the water with both a giant shark and a giant crocodile.
  • What? Kids on an isolated island out in the middle of the ocean? Okay I’m lost. Where did they wash up exactly?
  • Umm…Flying shark? With a missile in it’s mouth.
  • How does this crocodile keep changing size? Now it’s bigger than a science museum?
  • Godzilla! Godzilla!
  • Mmmmm…Shamu snack
  • Shark eating a submarine like a dog fetching s stick.
  • First Orlando, then Panama, California, and off to Hawaii. Just how fast are those creatures moving?
  • One nuclear sub, down the hatch. Stay out of the way of that burp.
  • Crocodile seems to be in two or three places at once
  • I think my head is starting to spin.
  • How convenient that there is an unmanned raft just sitting on the beach?
  • Didn’t we just see that scene? And again? And again?
  • Not sure what the hell just happened.  Something about a volcano, a nuclear sub and two large animals fighting. Long story short…one big explosion, all dead.
  • The End, and god bless.

Dynamic Dialogue:

“Who wants an omlette that big?”

“Either dig deeper and tell me you love me, or undo the handcuffs and let me do it myself.”

“We don’t have a cage or tank big enough.”

“I suggest you bring your hydrosonic balls with you.”

“The shark has gone nuclear.”

“Listen here, you fake ass pirate!”

“Sir, the creatures are toast.”

Wow, that’s about all I can say after watching this movie. This movie is a total piece of poo. It was like watching 88 minutes of random events that lead and no timeline to speak of. You would think that all of these events would have happened in a matter of two days and covered nearly the whole globe. What a stupid, stupid movie. Did anyone do an ounce of research for this movie? What it be so much to possibly explain the existence of these two creatures? Where did they come from and why are they still alive? How is the Croc able to reproduce? Is this reptile all of a sudden asexual?

I realize that this was a low-budget straight to video and probably right on to the Syfy Network movie made by The Asylum, who are notorious for bad movies, but this one is ridiculous. The lame attempt at CGI was inexcusable throughout most of the movie. I’ve seen better special effects from YouTube videos made by middle and high school kids. And even though there was some familiar faces cast in the film, their acting was just terrible. The only redeeming quality that I could salvage out of this film would be the soundtrack. Not that it was great, but it actually tried to envoke a tone throughout the film. So, with the soundtrack as the only positive, the movie gets a 4.5 turds out of 5.

It is nice to see that someone tried to make sense of the mess that is the plot and timeline of Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus. This is a helpful infographic about the film from www.staubman.com .

Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

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