Tag Archives: Thriller

Introducing: Death Ship (1980)

DeathShip

Long week, needed something scary to loosen up my nerves a bit. As I have said on many occasions, I have chosen several movies based only based on the fact that I remembered the movie poster from my younger days. This week’s fare, was no different. I decided to watch the movie “Ghost Ship” solely because I remembered thinking that the poem was really cool when I was a kid. That picture of this big ship looking like is was going to eat a bunch of people on a raft was a great image. As I started watching, I’m starting to believe that I need to quit choosing films with this criteria in mind. Because as it turns out, the poster was much more intriguing than the film itself.

Streaming on: www.Bmovies.com

Directed by: Alvin Rakoff

Starring: Richard Crenna, George Kennedy, Sally Ann Howes

 

Rated: R

Tagline: Those who Survive the Ghost Ship are Better off Dead.

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 20%

Number of times Ben has to take a leak: 3

A cruise ship is sunk by an old German ship that is run by the spirit of a ghostly captain. A small group of survivors board the ship thinking that they have been saved only to find out that the German vessel is completely empty. They are unaware that the ship is actually a former Nazi torture chamber for POWs which is possessed with the spirit of the former captain that tries killing them off one by one.

What you don’t want to miss:

  • Two ships sailing through open waters to start the credits with creepy Scooby Doo music in the background.
  • Masquerade Ball on a cruise ship has some of the stupidest costumes imaginable.
  • The German ship can’t make up it’s mind about what it wants to do.
  • Geico caveman really knows how to pick up the hot gypsy babes.
  • Mel Diamond and the Boys aren’t the most upbeat party cruise ship bands you’ll ever meet.
  • Leave the kid alone, when you got to go, you’ve got to go.
  • Since when does a cruise ship have built-in sandbox that are perfect for floating?
  • How convenient was it that the whole family survived while in totally different parts of the ship? Not as convenient that the captain washes up to the small sandbox in the middle of the ocean.
  • Like I said before, when you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go.
  • Rusty old stairs, they sure don’t make them like they used to.
  • Que really bad music please!
  • Ever had a ghost ship take a dump in your face?
  • Great, all these ship captains on board and not a single one knows  how to stop the winch. Ghost ship waterboarding?
  • From the looks of that bathroom, I can see why the kid pissed on the deck instead.
  • The boat still looks like crap even if it’s filmed upside down. Makes one a bit dizzy to watch actually.
  • Hey Ben, nice argyle pajamas!
  • Oh god, the record is playing  more Mel Diamond and the Boys, it IS hell.
  • Can you hear me now? Damn.
  • Did the Germans make it a habit of watching American movies on their ships?
  • Well since you can’t brush your teeth, one might as well eat a mint or two.
  • Hey captain, I’m afraid that’s not the way you perform the Heimlich.
  • You know that possession is 9/10 of the law right?
  • Damn kid must have a bladder control problem. And he hasn’t washed his hands yet.
  • Nice butt!
  • Shirtless or shitless? What is it?
  • Hey Carrie, they’re all going to laugh at you, Carrie.
  • Boobs!
  • Hapless lady, does she not know how to turn the shower off?
  • Don’t scare the poor boy, you know he’s just going to have to pee again.
  • Mannequin or human, you decide. Slut overboard!!!
  • Look at all those gold teeth. Little Wayne, eat your heart out.
  • I’m betting all the people who paid to see this movie feel like ripping down the screen and trashing the projector too.
  • Anyone else get lost somewhere between the movie room and the captain’s cabin?
  • Meat locker full of soldiers is always a good place for supplies.
  • For god sakes Nick, it’s just a bunch of skeletons, don’t be such a diva.
  • Someone might want to tell Captain Ashland,  that’s not the way you play bloody knuckles.
  • Where can I get some of those pants that lace up in the back Capt. Trevor?
  • Captain Crazy apparently doesn’t know anything about the riccocheting of bullets.
  • Nice stunt work. Not the most graceful of falls by the captain, but impressive non-the-less. Let’s give him a hand…wait for it.
  • And we end the same way we started.

Dreadful Dialogue:

“It’s as if it’s deliberately trying to ram us.”

“What is it with this ship? It’s like it’s running itself.”

“Is this Hitler?” – “Not quite, the King of England?”

“This damn ship!” – “It’s like it’s alive trying to kill us!”

“Would you like to steer her?”

“Where do you plan to sail her?” – “Eternity, Marshall…eternity.”

“I’m scared.” – “You’re scared? I’m scared shirtless.” – “It’s shitless…oops.”

The Final Word:

For the fact that this film has two pretty big stars in Richard Crenna and George Kennedy, I wasn’t all that terrible. The problem with the movie was that it tried to make itself too scary. What do I mean by that? Well between all the dialogue and long drawn out scenes with characters rummaging around for supplies, there were strange camera angles and sudden sounds to try to make a viewer jump with fright. With the popularity of the The Shining at the time this film was made, the director threw in some “flash forward” sequences that were meant to be for a scare as well. All of these ended up making the film look cheesy and dumb.  The plot was kind of disjointed at times and the whole Nazi torture ship really was a pointless reveal at the end of the film. Despite being a horror film, any real violence was only implied and other than a blood shower scene, there was no gore. Not your typical horror film.

Some film buffs might enjoy this, but there were just too many slow and droll scenes for my liking. And as far as horror/thriller films goes, this one is not one of the better films in the genre. For that reason, I’m only giving this film 2.5 turds.

death-ship-3

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Introducing: Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2008)

birdemic 001Upon looking on the internet for some of Netflix’s worst streaming movies, one in particular kept being mentioned over and over again, Birdemic: Shock and Terror. This past year, we narrowly escaped the end of the world of during 2012. What is going to be the next “big scare” that will endanger our species. We’ve had swine flu, possible asteroid collisions, Global warming, and even the bird flu. This particular story centers around a bird flu and environmental attack. It sounded a lot like M. Night Shyamalan’s  The Happening, and I know that it sucked. So I thought, what the heck, let’s see just how bad this movie was. Couldn’t have been any worse than what I’ve already seen in the past right. Little did I know what I would be in for. Maybe if you’re lucky, birds will come and gouge your eyes out before you push play so you won’t have to endure the 93 minutes of torture that  did.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: James Nguyen

Starring: Alan Bagh, Whitney Moore, Adam Sessa

Rated: NR

Tagline: Why did the eagles and vultures attack? (Good f’n question!!)

Rod, a software salesman, turned budding entrepreneur meets an old high school classmate, Nathalie, a Victoria’s Secret model. They get together for dinner and are obviously charmed by each other’s dull conversations, after which, they begin a relationship. Once few dates have gone by and visit to mother, Nathalie and Rod spend the night of sloppy and slurpy foreplay in a cheap motel and are awakened by the sounds of birds outside their window. They see that their town is being bombarded by eagles and vultures who dive bomb and explode upon hitting the ground. Rod and Nathalie meet another couple in the hotel and escape in their mini van that is apparently filled to the hilt with all sorts of illegal firearms. As they leave town, the foursome come upon two children whose parents have been violently killed and pecked to death by the deadly birds. The troupe rolls on from town to town meeting some interesting people along the way who propagate their environmental messages to the group. As the birds begin to leave a death trail of group members, the survivors must find out what is causing the attacks and how they can save themselves.

Things you might miss:

  • In case one hasn’t noticed by now, our main character likes to randomly drive places.
  • Oh my god, within the first ten minutes of the film I can already tell that this is an editing genius/nightmare.
  • Awkward and creepy exchange of business cards.
  • $4.59 for gas!! Good lord!
  • So glad we get to follow Rod everywhere with some epic musical score. If we follow him into the bathroom too, I’m done.
  • A one million dollar sale! Selling of what, we don’t know. Damn telemarketers.
  • The sound editing leaves a little to be desired
  • I’m sensing a “green” theme here.
  • Wow, I’m sure that conversation has her truly interested, if she doesn’t fall asleep. More labored dialogue please.
  • Yikes, some bad effects scenes forthcoming. CGI and birds and a green screen dance club, what more could you want from a film?
  • Imagine Peace – shameless website plug
  • Thirty minutes in to the film and we’ve not seen any birds.
  • ONE BILLION DOLLARS!!! And stock options.
  • Clap clap clap clap /stop/ Clap clap clap clap/ Stop /Clap clap clap clap
  • There is some more labored dialogue between the two lovers, too bad we can’t hear it over the waves.
  • Dead CGI bird on the beach – but don’t touch, it may be infectious.
  • 40 minutes in – still no bird attacks.
  • Dancing in an empty restaurant listening to some black guy singing about hanging with his family must be a turn on.
  • Glad to know that she liked guys who didn’t always want sex, but Nathalie didn’t put up much of a fight for a night in some cheap motel. And with some dirty, nasty feet even. Gross.
  • Finally, here come the birds! Dive bombing various places around town and exploding on contact. Kamikazee birds? Complete with their own airplane sounds.
  • The sound of the eagles is driving my dog crazy.
  • Watch out! It’s more birds on a string, kill them with a clothes hanger.
  • Bet you didn’t know that eagles can defy physics and hover in one spot for a long periods of time.
  • Screw those conceal and carry laws, we’re doing a drive by on some birds in a van that sounds like a small tank.
  • More uncomfortable dialogue, too bad we can’t hear it over the highway noise.  And why aren’t any of the vehicles on the highway affected by this bird apocalypse?
  • Who needs a safety seat for kids when you can stuff them in the trunk.
  • Okay, okay, we get the “Save the Environment” theme of the film, but do you have to recycle and reuse scenes over again, and again, and again.
  • What a great idea during a bird attack, spend the afternoon in a completely open area having a picnic.
  • More environmental rants about global warming please along with a badly looped music track.
  • So, where exactly did the guys get their scars from?
  • You know it’s not your day if you’re attacked by birds whilst dropping a stink pickle.
  • Could these guys be a worse shot? Why not shot the birds directly over your heads?
  • And viola, scars are gone.
  • How passengers on the bus escape being killed by errant bullets we’ll never know.
  • Ummm…bird piss or vomit. You decide.
  • $100 dollars a gallon? That’s about all I got from the man with the marbles in his mouth. These birds are apparently have quite the impact on the global economy.
  • If something ran into a gas tank and exploded wouldn’t the whole station explode with it?
  • Woody Harrelson look alike is a tree hugger who gives yet another riveting global warming rant.
  • And the forest spontaneously bursts into small pockets of flames.
  • See what imagining peace will get you?
  • How convenient, a fishing rod and a small stove. Keep looking you might find perfectly formed hamburger patties and bags of chips. And oh look hot dogs!!
  • Kamikaze bird, meet Mr. Windshield.
  • Thank god for the caravan of doves flying south for the winter to some epic and dramatic music and credits. – Well maybe they will fly south or just stay suspended in midair.

Academy Award winning dialogue:

“A day without sex, is a day wasted man.”

“Some of my friends say that my B.S. degree stands for bullshit.”

“Man, that was a good movie! An Inconvenient Truth!”

“Look, there’s dead people on the side of the road. Let’s go see if there’s any survivors.”

“It’s the human species that needs to quit playing cowboy with nature. We must act more like astronauts, spacemen taking care of Spaceship Earth.”

“The eagles have killed our friends, do you have a phone?”

“I hear a mountain lion, I better get to my house, and you better get back to your car.”

The Final Bird…I Mean Word

So can this film be described as one of the worst movies ever made? In my opinion, yes. I had read somewhere that a writer once referred to this movie as a “trash-terpiece.” There have been better movies made by young teens on YouTube these days. Now I know that this movie was made on a less than meager budget, but come on, I’ve seen better acting in porn films. Each character’s dialogue was robotic and was either made up on the fly or read word for word from a cue card. The characters themselves weren’t even interesting. The only character that showed any type of enthusiasm and made an attempt to act was Nathalie’s mom and she kept noticeably stumbling over her lines. The editing was absolutely atrocious and felt like a five year old had used scissors to make a snowflake out of the film reel  and the director hurriedly pieced it back together. Some character’s lines were even cut off as the film cut from one scene to the next.  Oh, and the CG birds, don’t even get me started.  I had trouble telling if they were computer generated or paper cut outs in some scenes. Some even looked as though they were tied to strings and left to hang. Yes, this movie is hilariously awful. Were the filmmakers trying to make a stupid movie or did they think they had something good on their hands here? Either way, they missed the boat; completely. There were a couple of points in the movie when I was praying for a bird to swoop in, hover over me, and peck my eyes out so I didn’t have to finish the film.

This movie is easily one of the worst I think I’ve seen and it’s easy to rate this one, and I don’t feel the slightest bit of regret for doing so. Birdemic: Shock and Terror left me shocked that someone could make such crap and in terror to hear that a sequel has been made. Without thinking twice, I give this movie 5 turds. Not only would I give it five turds, but I would put them in a bag and light it on fire as well.

Birdemic 002

Just take a look at these screen shots. Ugh…

birdemic 004

birdemic 003

Tagged , , , , ,

Raiders of the Living Dead (1986)

 

What can be more exciting around Halloween than zombies? Zombies are a big draw in recent years with TV series like AMC’s “The Walking Dead”, and several big budget films that feature the undead. With that thought in mind, now think back to the days of your youth when we all would stay up late to watch “Up All Night” on the USA Network. We stayed up late because we knew those B-movies were cheesy, and although edited of all the gore and skin, we movies our parents didn’t want us watching. What we tend to forget however, was the fact there were some really crappy movies shown during that segment. I believe that I have uncovered the daddy of them all as it relates to awful B-movies, Raiders of the Living Dead. I thought that might be something related to Halloween in the 85 minutes of film, but I was proven wrong yet again. So, if you are brave enough to search for this movie in your video stream, I suggest that you put it on fast forward and just read through the highlights from the movie we’ve provided. Trust me, you’ll get more for the highlights than you would from the film anyway.

Streaming on: Hulu+

Directed by: Samuel Sherman

Starring: Scott Schwartz, Robert Deveau, Donna Asali, Bob Allen

Tagline: They hunt down Zombies who feed on Human meals.

Number of soundtrack sales:  Zero!

Synopsis:

As the film begins, a terrorist hijacks a tank truck and takes it, the driver, and some casual hostages into a chemical plant, where he is overpowered and killed by a tough black cop with a bit of a strut. Why do I mention this? I don’t know as it has nothing, and I mean nothing to do with the rest of the film. A newspaper reporter follows a story out to an old correctional institute where he believes something unnatural is going on. After he is chased from the facility by something scary, he is bound and determined to get to the bottom of what he saw. Not worried one bit that the lady he went out there with is now a zombie snack. After being picked up on the road by a “concerned citizen”, Morgan the reporter, develops a crush for his savior and together they go out and laugh uncontrollably at a Three Stooges movie.(At this point, you might be starting to wonder, what is the point of this movie? Trust me, I watched the whole thing and still don’t know.)

Enter Jonathan, a budding Einstein who likes to take apart old electronics and accidentally make a laser gun out of it. After a series of choppy events, Morgan ends up boarding up for the night at the home of Jonathan and his grandfather, who tells them both of his suspicions about the zombies. To make a long, drawn out, boring story short, after learning that a doctor was bringing corpses back to life via his experiments (for not explained reasons) Morgan, grandfather, and Jonathan return to the island of zombies and clean house. Oh yes, all with the help of Jonathan’s supped up laser gun.

What you Would be Missing:

  • Corny soundtrack. This soundtrack is all over the place right from the get go. Adventurous? Whimsical? 80’s Prime Time?
  • Remember when cell phones had an antenna as long as your arm?
  • Stupid terrorist vs cocky black cop in cat and mouse game through a power plant ends in a shocking result.
  • Long scene of the tearing apart of a Laser Disc player…and some really crappy music. That kid can really go to town with a pair of needle nosed pliers, a screwdriver, and some electrical tape.
  • WARNING REMOVAL OF COVER EXPOSES HAZARDOUS VOLTAGES! Stupid kid.
  • One dead hamster. Way to take one for the team Felix. No doubt the best acting in the movie so far.
  • Good lord, the girl is an even worse actor than anyone else. Listening to their flirtacious banter back and forth is enough to throw up in your mouth.
  • Zombie attack
  • Ahh…the days when someone could walk into a gun store, purchase a snub nosed rifle and walk out with it.
  • Does anyone really laugh that hard at a Three Stooges movie?
  • Surely in 1986, films were able to create better visual laser effects than this.
  • Long sequences without any dialogue, don’t know why I’m complaining the dialogue hasn’t done anything for the film up to this point.
  • Old lady with a lisp telling local history. She looks as though she might be a zombie herself.
  • The cutaways are almost as if there were commercial breaks in the film.
  • Has there been any mention about how bad the music is?
  • Zombie Attack!! Just what exactly are they doing to that poor guy? Use your gun dummy, use your gun!
  • Apparently church bells are a zombie alarm clock.
  • Zombies appear randomly out of different doors in the prison, followed by a montage of lame zombie killings.
  • Oh come on, lasers and arrows won’t kill zombies. Everyone knows that you have to shoot them in the head.
  • What? That’s the end? What the hell just happened? Be damned sure that I’m not going to rewind and watch again to find out.

Quality Dialogue:

“You look like a guy who has a pretty interesting story if a person wanted to pry.”

“I know it sounds crazy, but I think someone has found a way to bring dead bodies back to life.”

“Hear the footsteps, noises at night.- Something’s burning, fire burning bright. – Keeps getting closer, chills me to my soul. – They come to get me, hear the Devil call. – The Dead are after me! – I said the Dead are after me!”

Let me sum up this film quickly and painlessly – TOTAL SHITE! I realize that there wasn’t much of a budget to make the film, but come on. This one is really BAD. The script seemed as though is was made up on the fly as they were filming as there were many, many continuity issues, bad editing,  and plot holes. The acting was nothing short of atrocious as well as the dialogue. But the absolute worst part of the film in my opinion was the very awkward and undeniably horrible soundtrack. The film was filled with bad 80’s TV drama music that didn’t match the film at all. And what made it worse was that there were several scenes of no dialogue (even though things were going on) and it was filled with this crappy music. Ugh… Without question, this film gets the ultimate 5 out of 5 turds.

Tagged , , , , , ,

Ghoulies (1985)

Remember those movies from your childhood that you remember by one or more distinct images. You remember the images but don’tGhoulies movie poster remember actually watching the movie. Such is the case with Ghoulies. The image of the Ghoulie coming out of the toilet will forever be one that I can harkon back to my childhood and scaring my cousin, telling her that we had Ghoulies in our backpacks. With those visions in my head that I watch this movie of the 80’s that tried to piggyback on the fame of Gremlins. It didn’t work.

If you feel the need to watch this B-movie classic, then I have provided you with the Cliff Notes version that will help guide you through the interesting parts, that way you can watch it on fast forward and not miss any of this cinematic masterpiece.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Luca Bercovici

Starring: Peter Liapis, Lisa Pelikan, Jack Nance

Rated: PG-13

Tagline: They’ll get you in the end.

Jonathon and his girlfriend/wife move into a mansion he inherits not knowing that the mansion was used to house a satanic cult and the botched ritual involving a baby that happened 25 years earlier. Jonathon soon finds books about the occult throughout the house and takes an interest going as far as holding his own seance.  This spewing of incantations, brings forth little demons, or Ghoulies, that must obey their new master Jonathon. Unbeknownst to Jonathon, his dabbling into the cult has also awoken the mansion’s former leader from the grave who returns to complete the ritual from years ago.

What you would have seen:

  • Crazy green eyed cult leader – have a little trouble taking off that cloak there buddy?
  • A tribble with teeth? I’m guessing Jim Henson had nothing to do with these puppets.
  • Single grave in the front yard is never a good sign. Not to mention the pentagram on the headstone.
  • Creepy caretaker making eyes at the girlfriend. He looks like a cross between John C. Reilly and Santa Claus.
  • Books in the house about Black Magic, Witchcraft, and Pentagrams – hmmm…anyone else getting a red flag here?
  • Something about a macho Italian jerk who’s stuck on himself named Dick that makes you hate him.
  • The ultimate party game – Satanic Ritual in a circle.
  • Quitting school to study the Dark Arts and Black Magic? What? The local college didn’t offer those as courses in the curriculum?
  • Do we really need the voice ever narration?
  • And the Ghoulies come out of hiding.  Dick Nose, an ugly cat, a bat, and a Green Booger
  • Might want to check the pipes in the basement, you seem to have sprung a leak.
  • Could someone please get these Ghoulies a Kleenex?
  • What’s worse than saying another woman’s name while getting it on with your girl…apparently chanting encantations to summon demons. Sheesh, some women just don’t understand.
  • Just what this movie needed, two nearly hairless Ewoks, one of which needs to chew on some wood to keep those teeth down.
  • Where can I get me a pair of those green eyes?
  • What great dinner hosts, white cloaks for everyone. Now let’s howl at the moon!
  • Damn those dwarfs are tiny.
  • Cause it’s a Thriller, Thriller night. You’re fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight
  • Holy cow, there’s more boogers. And they have six-pack abs. I’m jealous.
  • Great, now dead Malcolm from the grave now has control over his own set of Ghoulies. Where can I get a set of my very own?
  • Pretty sure that wasn’t the french kiss he was hoping to get.
  • So that’s what two little dwarfs fighting a dick nosed ghoulie look like. Watch out, she’s deadly with that club.
  • As if the breakdancing moves weren’t bad enough at the first of the movie.
  • Oh dear, somebody forgot to flush.
  • Jonathan, I am your Father!  Nooooooooo!!!
  • Be careful, don’t  throw him up against the walls too hard, those community theater sets could fall down.
  • The jolly caretaker comes to the rescue with a staff to Malcolm’s back and a laugh that is quite distrubing – let the electric shock battle begin.
  • Amazing, all dead friends come back to life once evil is destroyed.
  • Looks like he picked up a few extra passengers.
  • Roll credits.

Deep and Thought Provoking Dialogue:

“What do you guys want to do?” – “Why don’t we play Hide and Seek?”

“If you do not drink, you will burn. The choice is yours.”

“Wow man, that chick is really a screamer.”

“No doubt about it, Mr. Dick, you are a lucky guy.”

“Hey dude, don’t Bogart that joint.”

As I mentioned before, this movie was firmly embedded into my childhood memories. However, I don’t remember and can’t believe that my mother would ever let me watch a movie like this growing up. I’m sure if I did see it, I would have thought it was awesome, what with the creatures and the killings, etc. Watching it again some 20+ years later, I have come to realize that this movie sucks just as bad as most everyone else did and that only a 10 year old would like it. However, I did get a couple of chuckles here and there.

Because of those childhood memories this movie brings, I am going to forgive it a bit for being so shlocky. With that said, I am giving this movie 3 turds out of 5.

Tagged , , , , ,

The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies (1964)

If you are in the mood for a good zombie movie with a lot of scares and grotesque scenes of eating brains and munching on humans, then stay totally clear of this complete disaster. Calling this film a B-Movie is giving it two grades higher than it deserves. I had the dubious honor of watching this incredibly strange creature of a film. The good thing is that since I decided to take one for the team, you can now use that 84 minutes to write the lyrics to your own unintelligible song about nothing in particular.

Streaming on: Crackle

Directed by: Ray Dennis Steckler

Starring: Cash Flagg, Carolyn Brandt, Brett O’Hara

Rated: R

Tagline: A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters…

Jerry and his friend, Harold, take his girlfriend on an evening out by going to the local amusement park complete with fortune teller and dance hall full of “strippers”. After visiting the fortune teller and receiving information that was undesirable, Jerry decides to ditch the girlfriend and spend his evening watching the dance hall girls. While watching, Jerry is invited back stage, by the hideouly handsome, Ortega, strange things happen to Jerry that turn him into a cold blooded killer. What about the zombies you ask? Don’t bother.

What you would be missing:

      • One horned up Fortune Teller…with a gigantic mole on her face and a bad fake tan.
      • Maybe if she used that poison on her own face, she might get rid of that mole.
      • Dubbed in scream from what is sure to be an impressive acting performance. For crying out loud lady it’s just a cat. And please God, tell me that’s not the same teddy bear that I had growing up.
      • Two swinging guys riding in a shag’on wagon.
      • Holy hair do! – Nice dramatic chipmunk moment there Angie.
      • Hey let’s go to the amusement park over there. That looks like fun.
      • Probably the most disturbing and annoying ticket vendor I’ve ever seen.
      • Oh those wacky teens, just having a good time. I’ve never felt so giddy and happy that I feel the need to randomly hop like someone lit a firecracker in my ass.
      • A dull and lame stand up comedy routine. Where’s Michael Richards when you need him?
      • And I thought shaky cams in today’s films were nauseating.
      • Wow, who was the set designer on this film…Yikes! Looks like the film was made for $38,000, oh wait, it was.
      • Damn that death card about as terrifying as getting the Old Maid!
      • What a waste of fifty cents.
      • Ortega sure is an ugly fellow, looks like a cross between Oliver Twist’s Fagin and a Walmart $2.00 Halloween mask.
      • We all know those two little boys at the front of the stage are just dying to go in to the stripper show, they sure have been there a long time.
      • Worst carnival show ever. – Am I the only one who can picture Adele recording this song and making it a hit?
      • The three guys in the crowd sure make a lot of noise, considering two of them weren’t clapping.
      • Man she’s good at hypnotism, I almost feel like falling asleep. Oh wait, it actually has nothing to do with her hypnotism techniques – it’s the directors.
      • I’m starting to wonder if this is supposed to be a musical or not. At least four musical numbers so far. No of them worth a damn.
      • Drunk Marge trying to dance again. That didn’t last long. Jerry comes in for the kill. Kill that mannequin, kill that mannequin.
      • Ummm…what the hell was that? I’m going to chalk that up to a filmmaker’s acid trip.
      • Good grief, another song…good thing is, we can’t understand the lyrics to the song.
      • Another dancing and musical number. Milli Vanili have nothing on this chick. She only seems to be in sync with the soundtrack on close up shots. Shick out of Shape? What the hell does that mean?
      • Oh my god, yet another undistinquishable musical number.
      • Harold, what accent is that? You sound like Jean Claude Van Damme and Arnold Schwarzenagger munching on a bag of marbles.
      • Jerry looks like a dead ringer for Eminem in that hoodie. OJ could have taken some tips from him, quite the killing spree without a drop of blood on him.
      • And the reward for most retarded looking and acting zombies goes to…this film!
      • I can totally see African tribes dancing to this same music!
      • There’s those two little kids again, for god’s sake just let them into the show will ya!
      • So, is it customary to bite your knuckles when you scream?
      • This last scene must go on forever.
      • The End…Thank the lord.

Academy Award Winning Dialogue:

“You dirty, filthy pig! So, I belong with the freaks, huh? I’ll fix you so even the freaks won’t look at you.”

“Ortega, Ortega, take him and make him like my other pets!”

“Get your tickets here. Get your tickets, get your tickets, get your tickets here!”

“Clouds affect only the cloudy”

“We have 20 beautiful girls and only ten beautiful costumes!” – Well, that was a lie on both counts.

“Look at the wheel…see how it speens.”

Well, just to let you know, there were zombies eventually. They thankfully entered the film just in time to break up one final dreadful musical number. This movie had quite the array of genres mixed in to one. Unfortunately, none of them worked really well. The film had one of the most appalling cast of actors I think I’ve ever seen. The set was not good nor was the soundtrack. However, I must say that for $38,000 one can’t expect too much. Despite it’s meager budget and lofty expectations, this film is getting the dreaded 5 turds out of 5 from me.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Dark Tower (1989)

After a long week of work, is anyone interested in watching a movie that centers on a haunted office building with flying tools and some god awful editing shots? Well, lucky for you, I watched it so that you can spend your weekend playing catch the window washer with the family.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Freddie Francis, Ken Wiederhorn

Starring: Michael Moriarty, Jenny Agutter, Kevin McCarthy

Rated: R

Tagline: In a city that never sleeps… this building is a nightmare.

Ambitious, workaholic, business woman, and architect, Carolyn Page, spends many hours in her soon to be completed skyscraper of her own design in Barcelona. When strange events begin to happen, such as the mysterious death of a window washer and the unexplained demise of a security guard (unexplained is not a stretch either), she begins to wonder what is causing the mysterious events. To the rescue comes a detective who has a sixth sense who thinks that a ghost may be the culprit.

What you would be missing:

  • That window washer just can’t get that one spot clean, he’s been washing it for two minutes now.
  • An executive who needs to learn how to catch a little better. It was a dummy falling 29 stories for god sakes.
  • A leading lady who looks like a cross between Lily Tomlin and one of the Terror Dogs from Ghostbusters. “I am Zuul.” Please tell me that if there are boobs in this movie, they are not hers.
  • Somehow somebody dies in an elevator. I watched the damn scene three times and I still have no clue.
  • Again with the elevator?
  • Exec with a gun, that’s never good.
  • Strange guy in the lobby and really bad special effect disappearance. So bad in fact, the scenery in the background freezes after disappearing.
  • My, have our computers come a long way. How did those green characters on a black screen not fry people’s eyeballs out?
  • Did he just rub his junk up against her arm?
  • Alright, enough of the damn elevator!!
  • Moriarty talks with a slur without having to drink that alcohol. It’s painful to listen to him talk.
  • Holy cow, Ms. Agutter’s hair is a constantly changing rat’s nest.
  • That computer must have quite an extensive database and knows everything about everybody. Did it just say that Dr. Gold took a dump three times on Saturday?
  • Oh boy, a clairvoyant detective, this plot just got a lot more…stupid.
  • What a lovely apartment. Turquoise walls, flowery furniture, a huge 10″ box TV, and just the perfect music to put a horny lady in the mood. Or was that part of the soundtrack, lord I hope not.
  • Watch out for the flying metal bars.
  • So, at what point do people start taking the stairs instead of these elevators?
  • Wonderful film editing in between filling glass one and glass two.
  • Great, I have to rewind 10 minutes, I must have dozed off.
  • Don’t you hate it when a mysterious wind blows through your office and ruins everything.
  • Special effect film skip number three.
  • Either Netflix is having some hiccups or this is some REALLLLY bad film quality.
  • Ten minutes of three guys walking aimlessly around an unfinished building.
  • This movie has got to have more dialogue with a character talking to themselves rather than to another character in movie history. I don’t think Tom Hanks talked to himself this much in Castaway.
  • That screwdriver went perfectly right into that pre-cut hole in the crazy doctor’s pant leg. Good aim ghosty, good aim.
  • That Caroline is sure a strong woman to push poor hopeless men all over the place. Must just be a coincidence that those live wires were just hanging loosely on the construction site.
  • Pretty impressive looking monster – doesn’t make the film any better however.
  • Okay, so apparently taking the stairs isn’t much better.
  • And it all ends inside a paper mache wall.
  • Soundtrack music at the end that is creepy than the whole movie. Sounds like one of those $2.00 music CDs of scary music you’d buy at Halloween time.

Can’t miss Dialogue:

“Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action.”

“Finding eternal rest and all that bulls**t. If you ask me, that’ll be too good for the pr**k”

This movie is nothing special to say the least. Despite the casting of Michael Moriarty, even his “acting chops” could not save this dismal film. It was only 91 minutes, but seemed to drown on for 191 minutes instead. The film was cursed with several bits of very bad editing, even the cool looking monster at the end was not enough to save it. This movie just fails.

I am giving the movie 4 out of 5 turds, some especially smelly ones too.

Tagged , , , , ,