Tag Archives: Virginia Madsen

Introducing: Zombie High (1987)

zombie-high-1987As school starts again for thousands of students across the nation, and teachers too, what better way to open a new school year than with a movie entitled, Zombie High. Now, some teachers can debate that there are days where high school students walk around as if in a zombified state anyway, but it’s always nice to see someone else having to put with it for a change. And in the case of Zombie High, it’s a young Virginia Madsen that gets to deal with those students, but only because they are her peers. Sound interesting…it’s not. I’d rather spend 93 minutes in a high school economics class listening to a lecture that have sit through Zombie High. But, I did. So, in honor of school beginning and of the reports and papers that are bound to be written in the next few months, I have provided you with the Clif Notes versions of this academic nightmare of a flick.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Rob Link

Starring: Virginia Madsen, Richard Cox, Paul Fieg, T. Scott Coffey, Paul Williams

Rated: R

Tagline: None – Might I suggest, “This school will pick your brain.”

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 15% Audience

Number of  lobotomized students it takes to form a perfect dance number in sync: 4

A promising young woman is awarded a scholarship to a prestigious all boys boarding school. When she starts to notice that her peers seem to drastically change their personalities and become straight laced focused students, she begins to uncover a nefarious secret about the school’s never-aging faculty.

Most Important Parts you Won’t want to Miss:

  • Everybody knows actions speak louder than words, listen to the beat get up on your feet. Let’s Go!
  • Pop up those collars kids, it is the 80’s after all.
  • Carpe Diem! –  in harmony
  • They sure aren’t stingy with the mashed potatoes.
  • Looks like someone is going to need to learn some different pick up lines.
  • Gang rape by some frat boys.
  • Watch out for the girls that have PSM. They are a bit weird.
  • Zzzzz…oh, what?
  • If a scream and a crash of stainless steel equipment isn’t a clue that someone is sneaking about in the infirmary, nothing is.
  • I’m guessing that whoever scored this soundtrack was a drum major.
  • The professor looks pretty good for a 102 year old.
  • Best use of scene swipes since Star Wars.
  • Breakfast of Champions – injections of blood and brain matter.
  • OMG, I’m having flashbacks to watching episodes of Dukes of Hazard during the car chase.
  • Man, those screen swipes sure are noisy.
  • Stay out of the way when old zombies want to hit the bottle.
  • Barry’s shoes must double as roller skates.
  • Quite possibly the worst rip off of the Beastie Boys I’ve ever heard
  • My thoughts about this movie exactly – Kiss My Butt!

Award Winning Quotes:

“You know there’s a 10 to 1 guys to girls ratio here?”

“You give me potatoes, I’ll kill your entire family.”

“The only thing I hate more than women is men.”

“Dullness is a contagious disease around here.”

“You can’t replace human emotions with a crystal.”

“Craziest damn thing I ever heard.”

“Craziest damn thing I ever heard.”

“Craziest damn thing I ever heard.”

“You’re tapped, f**ker.”

“Got yourself quite an education didn’t you?”

THE FINAL WORD:

Despite the always entertaining, Virginia Madsen, and the awesome 80’s clothes, this movie really doesn’t have much to offer. If you were thinking that you were getting ready for an all out zombie fest full of blood and gore. Well, think again. The plot is quite uninteresting and actually a bit stupid. Saying that the pacing was a little sluggish is doing this film justice. What a bore. In fact, nothing happens until a Hazzard County style car chase scene, complete with dirt road fishtailing and dirt pile jumping, that takes place when the “mystery” of the school starts to take shape. The special effects masters of this film didn’t do a whole lot better either. What little bit of “monster” we saw, was nothing more than a latex mask pulled over the head that no one made an attempt to conceal by at least tucking the bottom of the mask down into the actor’s shirt. Nope, it was left just hanging there for a scene that maybe took 10 secs of screen time. If this film was being graded at it’s own fictional academy, it would receive a generous D-, but since I’m grading it, I give the film the score that it has earned with a score of 4 turds.

zombie high old farts

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