Introducing: Clifford (1994)

Clifford 1994 It’s a new year, the holiday season is passed us, and my winter vacation has withered away to nothing. It’s a good time to return to the real world refreshed and ready to go. I thought I’d start the new year with something humorous and funny and get the new year started right. Instead, I was stunned beyond believe at what I chose. The movie I painfully watched was 1994’s Clifford. If you are a glutton for punishment then load this flick up in your Netflix queue and use the notes I’ve provided so you can watch it on fast forward and you won’t have to endure the full 90 minutes of torture that others before you have had.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Paul Flaherty

Starring: Martin Short,Charles Grodin, Mary Steenburgen, Dabney Coleman

Tagline: A comedy with a lots of laughs, and a 10-year-old terror! – I call bullshit on this one.

Rated: PG

Total Number of Funny Moments in the Film: 1 (Bonus if you can actually find it)

Ten year old Clifford is sent on a quick trip to his Uncle Martin’s house to give some relief to his overwhelmed and drunk parents and to show Martin’s girlfriend that he can care for a young child and be a family man. The problem is that Clifford is obsessed with dinosaurs and wants to visit the local theme park, Dinosaur Land. And when a promised visit to the park, gets side tracked because of a business deadline at Martin’s job, young Clifford decides to make his Uncle’s life a living hell for not following through on his promise.

What You Would be Missing:

  • Nice title sequence art
  • Boy Meets World meets Martin Short’s head
  • Surely I’m not the only one who is disturbed at Martin Short acting like a little kid.
  • Holy massive flowery moo-moo Batman, was that just a Rosie O’Donnell sighting.
  • Did Charles Grodin not get enough of being dragged all over the place by a dog during Beethoven?
  • What’s scarier Martin Short being a 10-year-old or Mary Steenburgen in the shower…definite toss up.
  • The person in that dinosaur costume sure shrunk a lot on the way to the bathroom.
  • Uncle Martin must be drunk already if he can’t smell the difference between a Bloody Mary and a class of Tabasco Sauce
  • Well now,  that’s not fair, the people at the dinner table got to laugh more during this movie than I have so far.
  • More non-funny Martin Short faces please. Oh, and a stupid Ed Grimley dance to boot.
  • Grodin’s eagle-eyes from a speeding taxi cab can spot a cheating Steenburgen anywhere
  • Man in drag cameo for no apparent reason
  • Must we see another Clifford/Ed Grimley dance? It wasn’t funny the first time.
  • Continuity alert: Clifford’s hands get untied twice
  • This kid has got some mental issues, he doesn’t have Dennis the Menace’s mischievous innocence, he is completely psychotic and evil.
  • Welcome to Jurassic Park!!
  • As if going through a crappy dinosaur themed roller coaster ride once was bad enough. Try two and a half times.
  • Short was much more entertaining as an old priest than a ten year old.
  • And that ladies and gentlemen is the point in his life that Clifford knew he was gay.

Award Winning Dialogue:

“I spent the better part of a whole day in your company.”

“Normally I’d despise when someone ruffles my hair Uncle Martin, but not when you do it.” Awkward silence.

“I NEED CHOCOLATE – Get me the Bunny!”

“If you do one thing that I find weird…look like a human boy for once.”

“No thanks, I’m not interested in babysitters that aren’t associated with the Manson family.”

“Uncle Martin, someone tried to touch me in my “no-no special place…”

The Final Word:

First of all, who in their right mind would think that this would remotely work as a movie? Was this supposed to be a movie designed to highlight Martin Short’s quirky comedic behavior and make him a huge star? If so…EPIC FAIL!!! Martin Short doesn’t even attempt to make himself act like a real 10-year-old child would act or speak or react. He was like a four year old with a fifty year old vocabulary and delivery. There is nothing likable about his character at all. In fact, did anyone even hang out with a 10-year-old prior to the movie to research for the role? Short could have at least hung out with the Boy Meets World kid for a day or two to see how a 10-year-old really acts. The acting throughout the film isn’t great despite a pretty good cast. Mary Steenbergen and Dadney Coleman do somewhat of a half-assed job in their secondary roles, while I think Charles Grodin may have done the best job throughout the film. He was a bit more funny that Short was but still have some bad “overacting” bits.

This movie was bad from the very beginning, I was highly disappointed at exactly how unfunny this movie was. Now, I wasn’t expecting to be crying from laughter, but I was at least expecting something entertaining. You want to know the one point in the movie that mad me chuckle and I thought was funny, it was within the first five minutes of the film when the kid falls out of the window onto Priest Short’s head. That was it! Probably my warped sense of humor, however not as warped as the writers of this film. I am giving this movie a generous 4.5 turds out of 5 and a candidate for one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in my life.

Martin Short and Charles Grodin

Introducing: Santa Claus Conquers the Aliens (1964)

imagesThe holiday season  is our time to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, spend time with our families, make and share memories for years to come…and oh yes, wait on Christmas Eve for the arrival of Santa Claus. Everyone loves the jolly old fat man, even Hollywood. Unfortunately, Hollywood hasn’t been too kind to the right jolly old elf. And this week’s movie is no exception to that. Let me introduce you to the 1964 masterpiece known as Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Well, with a title like that, how can you go wrong? Right? This is a nice family film for the holidays so you and the whole family can cuddle up on the couch next to the fire, load up your favorite streaming service, and enjoy this Christmas classic. Our Christmas gift to you are a list of some important details that you might miss. Season’s Greetings!

Streaming on: Netflix and Hulu+

Directed by: Nicholas Webster

Starring: Leila Martin, Charles Renn, James Cahill, John Call

Tagline: Santa Brings Christmas Fun to Mars.

Rated: NR

Resused Halloween costumes: 5

Martian kids are acting depressed and all they want to do is watch the Earth shows on the video box. They even have to use sleeping dust to fall asleep…someone please help them. In an attempt to let their kids be kids, Martian leader Kimar, decides that the solution is to kidnap Santa Claus and bring him back to Mars so that he can spread happiness to Martian kids everywhere. Kimar and his henchmen run into two children, Billy and Betty, and take them as collateral damage in the kidnapping. With the help of the very scary Trog the robot, the Martians take Santa hostage and return to Mars. While on Mars, Santa agrees to spread his cheer to their kids and is opposed by Kimar’s, evil minded second-in-command, Voldar.

What you might miss:

  • Remember the days when the movie credits were actually at the beginning of the movie?
  • Wonder why this song wasn’t an instant Christmas classic?
  • Brrrr…must be cold in front of that Sears photo backdrop.
  • XBox Kinect and iDevices have nothing on those fine, fine toys.
  • Enter stage right…love the image of Saturn on the background.
  • Would someone please get that old man a lozenge?
  • Nerf gun satellite dish for the win!
  • Killer soundtrack during stock footage airplane montage.
  • The aliens made it Earth just fine, so why are they asking for directions now?
  • Come on kids, didn’t your mother ever tell you not to talk to strangers…especially green ones in tight clothes and antennae.
  • Is that really two pieces of cheddar cheese under that blinking light?
  • That space ship suddenly got a whole lot smaller when it landed. Must be that damn North Pole pressure.
  • If you’re so cold Betty, I’m not so sure sitting on a block of ice in a short dress is going to help.
  • Ahhhh…dear god, someone help those poor children, it the world’s scariest polar bear. With movement like a crawling human, fur like a cheap Halloween costume, growls like a jaguar, how can those kids not be scared to death.
  • Watch out for the silver refrigerator box with the bucket head. I think Betty just crapped her pants.
  • Whoa! Hey there Billy you better watch your mouth young man. Is calling an alien a martian the same as calling a black man the “N” word?
  • Best use of toilet plungers I think I’ve ever seen.
  • More stock footage please.
  • Oh Santa and his funny jokes. Made the alien Zack Galifianakis laugh. He might need some new material around the kids though.
  • Martians aren’t very good fighters. I think Voldor’s antennae got bent.
  • I think that is probably the creepiest laugh of any Santa Claus I’ve ever heard. Even creepier are Bomar’s donkey teeth.
  • Is that a pillow in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
  • The Three Stooges on Mars with some of the fanciest tools ever.
  • Hold a martian at gunpoint and he does a pirouette.
  • Another intense martian fight scene. BAM! POW! SLAM!
  • Secret to taking out martians is toys, confetti, bubbles, and horrible background music.

Quotes to bring you Christmas joy:

“S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S…Hooray for Santy Claus!”

“I forgot how to sleep, so I was just practicing.”

“Kidnap the Sandy Claws, tie him up real tight; throw away the key and then just turn out the lights.” – oops, wrong movie

“Are you a television set?”

“Golly!” yeah kids just don’t say that anymore.

“You won’t get away with this you…you…you martian!”

“By the great dark star, Santa’s treating him like a toy!”

“What’s round and soft and you put on a stick and you toast on a fire, and it’s green? A martianmellow!”

“Ahh…Balderdash and a fiddle-dee-dee.”

“Merry Christmas, Dropo Claus is here!”

“Hang up that Mistletoe, soon you’ll hear Ho! Ho! Ho! – On Christmas day you’ll wake up and you’ll say- Hooray for Santy Claus. Hooray for Santy Claus!”

Throughout this movie, I couldn’t help but think that this movie was an elementary school Christmas play. The sets, costumes, and acting would be about the same quality, and like the movie, the best acting would be done by the kids. This movie is just too easy to make fun of, and I have not passed up any opportunities to do so. With that said, I did somewhat enjoy the film. Not that it was any good, but it made me laugh and I can totally see a family enjoying this movie together. Anything that can bring a family together and entertain them has some respect in my book. Okay, enough sweet things to say, I’m giving this movie 3 turds out of 5 due to their crappy sets, costumes, and terrible acting adults.  Ahhh…Merry Christmas!

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Welcome to Reel Ex-Stream

reelexstream icon littleVideo streaming is becoming increasingly popular and there is a ton of content available now more than ever online. I want to help you sort through some of the bad stuff so that you can get down to the real entertainment. I have set out to watch some of the worst our streaming services have to offer so that you won’t waste your time. The requirements I had for these movies were that they had to have a rating less than 35% on Rotten Tomatoes or a one or two star rating on their respective streaming service. As far as ratings go, the more turds a film gets the worse it is.

And who knows some of these bad movies may the just the thing you are looking for. God bless you for being that person and thanks for visiting!