Introducing: Bloody Birthday (1981)

This week marks a large milestone for our little piece of heaven on the web we have here. This week, we turn one year old! A whole year and my how we’ve grown. Unfortunately, haven’t matured a whole heck of a lot and our taste in movies hasn’t gotten any better either. So to celebrate our impending first birthday, I’ve decided to watch a classic piece of masterful cinema about a birthday, the film, Bloody Birthday. I mean what better way to celebrate your birthday with a cheesy movie about killer kids? How can one go wrong with that surefire premise. Right? If one wanted to spend about 83 minutes of mindless movie watching, this one just might take the cake (pun intended). To help, we’ve listed the most important things to take away from the film.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Ed Hunt

Starring: Lori Lethin, Melina Cordell, Billy Jacoby, Andy Freeman, Elizabeth Hoy, K.C. Martel

Rated: R

Tagline: The Nightmare Begins with the Kids Next Door

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 0% Critics – 41% Audience

Number of

Plot: Three children are born during a solar eclipse and have their blood lust seemingly awakened ten years later. They begin to leave a bloody trail of friends and family in their small community. It’s a classmate and neighbor kid who seems suspicious of them and along with his older sister, try their best to stop the three little heathens.

Things you won’t want to miss:

• No budget wasted on the opening credits that’s for sure – plain white lettering on black with a creepy piano playing in the background.
• It’s a boy, it’s girl, and it’s a boy! With a birth, shouldn’t dilation be getting bigger?  Oops, nevermind it’s a lunar eclipse.
• Boobs!
• Ohhh baby, loving the pink ribbon tied around the neck. What a hottie!
• Ah, remember the good old days of school? When children sat quietly in rows and police officers could come and interrogate them about the local murder?
• Boobs!
• Careful little fellas, you’re liable to make another hole on that wall a little lower.
• Dancing sister really likes the color red (bra – when she’s wearing it, panties, pants, and halter top)
• For a ten year old boy, that is sixty cents well spent.
• Little Steven is trying to show off for his girlfriend by having batting practice with her dad’s head. How romantic.
• Hide and Seek is a lot of fun until someone gets locked in a refrigerator. Thankfully for Timmy he’s a young MacGyver.
• Even at ten years old, girls are already crazy about scrapbooking.
• You can tell it’s the early 80’s when teachers are more concerned about being snuck upon than having a gun pointed at their face.
• Sometimes paper towels can’t decide if they want to be on the floor or not.
• Play Doctor? Sounds like little Debbie has a secret crush on Timmy, the little rascal.
• First a dead teacher falls on you and then a random car tries to run her over in a junkyard. Poor Joyce is not having a very good day.
• Who knew Saturn was so important to the morals and virtues of mankind.
• Important Note to Parents #1: Plastering posters of Deborah Henry and Erik Estrada on the bedroom walls will make your teens horny.
• Boobs, butt, and BANG!
• Did the clown steal the “I CAN’T SAY NO” t-shirt from the red bra and panties sister?
• Damn it, that cake looked good too.
• Be careful with that arrow, you’ll shoot your eye out!
• Apparently Nugget the dog needs another eye as well.
• Now Steven, we all saw you take a glance over at the camera (1:12:13)
• Kind of hard to strangle someone when their boob gets in the way.
• Nice shot, right through Eddie Van Halen’s head!
• Most creative way of stopping a killer, dump a smelly fish bowl over his head.
• After shooting thirteen bullets, that six-shooter should be empty.

Killer Quotes:

“You wanna play ambulance?”

“That bell does not mean that you are dismissed, it is a signal only for me to dismiss you.”

“Honestly Beverly, he’s got a mind like an X-Rated soap opera.” (Is there such a thing?)

“But what if she catches us?” – “No way. Her brains are in her bra.”

“You wanna play doctor?”

“Watch what you’re saying, he’s never told a lie in his life.” (Well then, just your typical 10 year old I guess.)

“Don’t worry mommy, from now on I’m going to be a good little girl.”

THE FINAL WORD:

If I could sum this film up in one word it would be…creepy. Creepy because of the premise of the film and creepy because unfortunately, there could be some kids today that have the same thoughts as the three young serial killers in the movie. This is definitely a movie that would not have been made today due to the content and the current state of our nation. One could also argue that creepy would also describe the trio of young actors at the center of the film. They were actually pretty good. In fact, the best acted part of the whole film was the child actors. Billy Jacoby played the sadistic, evil, and smart, Curtis, particularly well and has a psychotic look in his eye. One scene in particular that made me appreciate a couple of other child actors was one in which two of them were sitting on their porch discussing the murder of a friend. The hurt in their eyes looked genuine. The adults in the film were just there as fluff and to give them someone to kill. As a whole, the film is morbidly entertaining. The dialogue is nothing spectacular and the script has about as much disregard for the plot as the child killers did for their victims. The music was a hacked up mixture of Jaws and Friday the 13th but not distracting. If that isn’t enough, then have fun seeing the clothes, household furniture and surroundings, and other items that were reminiscent of the early 80’s. Call it generosity due to our own birthday or a macabre personality, but I actually had some fun with this movie. A lot of similarities to another film we watched earlier called The Children. The movie gets 1.5 turds and I suggest that others give it a chance.