Introducing: April Fool’s Day (1986)

April Fool’s Day. The day known for many a plan of pranks and highjinx among those who we consider friends and family. Working with kids all day long, I have to listen to the constant joke about open flies or untied shoes and usually the most creative pranks come from the adults that I work with. Needing a little more substance to my April Fool’s Day, I saw that Netflix and Crackle were both streaming an appropriately named movie, April Fool’s Day. As I saw the movie’s cover art showing a lady holding a knife behind her back in front of a number of laughing friends with her pony tail in the form of a noose, it brought back memories of seeing it on the movie shelves when going to the video store when I was younger. So, with those memories on my mind, I loaded up the film, sat back and relaxed and hoped that I wasn’t going to be the one getting pranked.

Streaming on: Netflix, Crackle

Directed by: Fred Walton

Starring: Jay Baker, Thomas F. Wilson, Deborah Goodrich, Ken Olandt, Griffin O’Neal

Rated: R

Tagline: Guess who’s going to be the life of the party?

Rotten Tomatoes: 36%

Number of April Fool’s Day Pranks: no less than 15

A group of college friends make plans for a week long getaway on the small private island of a good friend. As the group enters the island, they enjoy playing a few April Fool’s Day pranks on each other. As the week progresses, the friends start to disappear mysteriously and turn up dead. While the friends try to solve the reason for the killings, a young couple, Kitt and Rob, begin to put clues together to find out who the killer is. As the friends continue to be picked off one by one, Kitt and Rob, confront the weekend’s hostess, Muffy, about the murders. Muffy however, has something in store for them and shows her true intentions of inviting the guests to the island.

Things you don’t want to miss:

• We are looking at the beginning of the shaky hand held cam movie troupe.
• Biff gives it up on the first date.
• Scariest music box of all time!
• Muffy is such an unfortunate name.
• Video cameras have come a long way since they required an over the shoulder bag.
• Never read that version of Treasure Island in high school, I probably would have been more attentive.
• Come on fella, everyone knows you don’t catch a knife with your stomach. Let the pranks begin.
• Hang on to that eye so you don’t lose it.
• When Barbie dolls hold your place at the table, you know it’s a classy affair.
• The farts are supposed to come after the beans, not before.
• Watch out for booby traps before going to bed.
• What the hell kind of position is that? The Spiderman?
• No one can have sex in this film without having someone peeping on them.
• Snakes! Why does it always have to be snakes?
• Those boots belong to someone who can make the earth move.
• Ding Dong Dell, pussy’s in the well…along with some heads.
• Apparently Lorena Bobbitt  is a guest on the island.
• We all knew that Ned had been hanging around too long. Cue rimshot sound here.
• Grown women playing with Barbies is always a bad sign.
• The guests end up being quite the cast of characters.
• Yikes, that music box is just as scary. *Wink*

Foolish Dialogue:

“Nice? It’s gonna to be bloody unbelievable.”

“Hey guy, your fly is open and your Hostess Twinkie is hangin’ out.”

“Please god, let it be Ding-Dongs!”

“Sometimes, with the tides, it could take somebody all night to get here from the main land. Yet sometimes, they don’t make it.”

“You can just take that thing and shove it right back in your pants kiddo.”

“Arch, you browned your trou(sers).”

THE FINAL WORD:

During the 80’s many movies tried to capture the popularity of the slasher movie craze. Throughout the many movies that were made, this gave audiences a chance to sit back, watch, and even accept some mindless and over the top death scenes as well as some teenage sex and nudity. Thinking that this is along the same vain that this film was going to fall into as well, I didn’t have too much hope for it. The beginning of the film started off as many other slasher films do with it’s character development. At first I was getting frustrated that all of the “killings” were all done off screen and implied. This was upsetting me because I thought I had tuned in to a slasher film for god’s sake. The cast of this movie, while no one was up for an Oscar due to their performance, wasn’t bad at all. In fact, a bit enjoyable, and each had their own distinct personality.   And hey, it has the guy who played Biff in it!! The film’s score wasn’t terrible and reminded me of the X-Files theme. I kept waiting to see Fox and Mulder pop up in various scenes. The movie’s plot wasn’t all too deep, at least at first thought. But as it played out, the title became more and more relevant to me. I am not about to spoil the movie’s ending, but I must say I didn’t see it coming. And then, I realized why the trouble was spent not having the “slashing” on screen. And as far as I am concerned this was a pleasant surprise and a creative break from the serial-killer/slasher movies of it’s time. And I warn you, this is not your typical “scary slasher flick”. It is with this slight praise and enjoyment that I give this film a 1.5 turd rating.

Introducing: Spacehunter: Adventure into the Forbidden Zone (1983)

As I was growing up, my brother and I were in awe of and loved the Star Wars movies, and wanted to watch them any chance we could. It was during this time, that Hollywood decided to ride the success of the Star Wars trilogy and pop out several low-budget space adventures. Along with my dad, we always rented any space movie that we felt had that same kind of science fiction vibe that those early Lucas movies did, obviously without much luck. However, this did bring us movies such as The Ice Pirates (that I LOVED growing up) and Battle Beyond the Stars, there were also a bunch of bad space adventures. This is why I was excited to see the 1983 film, Spacehunter in the list of films on Crackle. As I began watching it, I started to wonder if I had made the right decision or not to devote 90 minutes of my time to this film. You can take a look at the notes below to see some of the highlights of this space adventure that lacks a little time in space.

Streaming on: Crackle

Directed by: Lamont Johnson

Starring: Peter Strauss, Molly Ringwald, Michael Ironside, Ernie Hudson

Rated: PG

Tagline: Journey with Wolff and Nikki, an interstellar adventurer and young rebel. On a mission to rescue three stranded women from a planet no one has warned them about. Because no one has ever returned.

Number of Parallels to Star Wars movies: 10 – anything from the pointless “Sand People” to the android villan

A space traveling vagabond desperately in need of money comes across a distress signal to save three Earth women who have landed on a planet named Terra Eleven, when their luxury starship is attacked. When Wolff arrives on Terra Eleven he is finds that the natives of the planet have just as much interest in the three women as he does. While chasing down the Earth women, Wolff meets an orphaned Molly Ringwald who invites herself to help in his search. The hero then finds out that the women were taken to the “Forbidden Zone” that is ruled by the evil and animatronic leader, Overdog.

What you will see:

• Opening sequence jumps right out at you. Too bad we can’t see it in 3D.
• Do not be alarmed, you are about to see a Death Star like explosion.
• Wolff has R2D2 hidden in his ship’s console.
• Emergency repair procedure #1 usually works for me too.
• Cool pirate ships can sail across sand, too bad it’s so easy to knock it out of commission.
• Twisting a neck so that it cracks renders Earth girls unconscious instead of death.
• Hang gliders tend to sweep girls off of their feet.
• Hope Wolff kept the warranty on his hot android chick.
• Spacehunter’s version of Tusken Raiders
• Washington is lucky that his gun is the floating kind.
• Overdog wants the girl undressed. His name should be Horndog. Does he have another piece of metal that the audience can’t see that he feels the need to satisfy?
• Boobs!! Oh gross. Now we know what it would look like if the Michelin Man went on a diet.
• Amphibious women are nymphomaniacs and are looking for breeders.
• Water women are scared to death of water dragons.
• Watch out for the mutated children, they throw bombs.
• The maze is the Forbidden Zone’s equivalent to the TV show, Wipeout!
• You can kill the villain’s right hand man by squeezing his baggie of toothpaste.
• Plastic piping is always good for enclosing electrical wiring.
• Bet it was fun blowing up that scale model.

Award Winning Dialogue:

“The police called from the 42 Sector you’ve got 105 parking tickets. I think you should take care of that.”

“Find them yourself Earther, we have blood loss here.”

“If you give me some nibbles and take me for some wheels, I’ll take you to them.”

“You, your like fly shit on a window…”

“They call me Nikki the Twister because I wriggle into small places.”

“Second bath in two days, I ought to be good for the next year.”

“Are they missing limbs? I just hate it when they are missing limbs.”

“They sure have come a long way from Monday Night Football.”

The Final Word:

I am going to confess right off the bat, that I did find this movie to be pretty enjoyable. It wasn’t anywhere close to my favorite movie by any means, but considering the other garbage I’ve seen and reviewed in earlier blog posts, this could be considered “the best of the worst.” The plot is serviceable. It tells a pretty straight forward and easy to follow story. As the film progressed, I couldn’t help but notice that there were a lot of things borrowed from prior science-fiction and adventure movies, most notably Star Wars. There were hints of Mad Max and even Indiana Jones thrown in as well. The film started off rather interesting, but seemed to get lost in it’s own ambition and need to pile in a plethora of creatures and peril to give the film a purpose. Other than the people, there are a total of five different alien beings living on this planet that the group comes in contact with. The creatures could be intriguing and interesting however the characters interact with them for a total of about three minutes, not each, but in total. I wished there would have been more interaction between the two. However, obviously not as good as the Star Wars films, the sets weren’t god awful. The “Forbidden Zone” seemed to be a bit cramped and trashy. The futuristic vehicles I thought were really well done too. My main turn off of the film was it’s villain, Overdog. Played by Michael Ironside, Overdog never really seemed like much of a threat. He was hanging cyborg who was kept alive by some breathing apparatus. While encased in a large body suit with large long metal claws, Overdog oddly was able to move quickly and freely around the zone without effort. His most threatening feature was the long claw-like arms that he didn’t really use to put others in danger with. He most intimidating feature was his gravely voice that he used to yell at everyone.

While not a must see action/adventure film, Spacehunter: Adventure in the Forbidden Zone, was mildly entertaining and I felt just fell short of something really fun. So it is with that reason that I give this film 1.5 turds out of 5 dreaded turds.

Introducing: Bikini Spring Break (2012)*

*WARNING – THIS POST IS DEFINITELY FOR MATURE READERS.

During my college years, my roommates and I looked forward to what we considered the most entertaining time of the year. No, it wasn’t the NCAA basketball tournament, although that was and still is a priority. It was the one time all year that we could just get a little wild and step away from our regular routines of school and work. When everyone had a beer in their hand and fun on their minds, when every guy who was a douchebag could get away with being a douchebag, when good looking girls would do naughty things that they would later have to apologize about, when a bunch of horned up young adults would do whatever they could for the sake of fun and the hopes of getting laid.  I’m talking of course about the week of Spring Break! Oh, those memories of trips to ski resorts and beach resorts with friends are some that I will never forget. Unfortunately, I had to grow up and now Spring Break is just another week in the year, and my girlfriend and I’s idea of a good time is going out to eat at a fancy restaurant and watching a movie on the couch before having to go back to work the next day. This year, the world of streaming video introduced us to the film “Bikini Spring Break” from The Asylum studio. Now if that alone doesn’t tell you, “BAD MOVIE ALERT!!”, than I don’t know what does.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Jared Cohn

Starring: Rachel Alig, Robert Carradine, Virginia Petrucci, Erica Drake

Rated: R

Tagline: Sweet small town girls, until…

Number of gratuitous breast shots: 32, but hey, who’s counting?

A junior college marching band gets invited to participate at Nationals in Florida, but only after accidentally exposing themselves on the big screen at their football game, which doesn’t make since knowing that football is played in the fall and Spring Break is in the spring. Anyway…on their way to Florida, the marching band bus breaks down and the five girls have to find a way to raise enough money to themselves to the competition. Of course, beings that it is Spring Break time, they are immersed coincidentally in an environment of strip clubs, jello wrestling, and wet t-shirt contests that make the opportunity for money making possible.

What you will see:

• Boobs! and only six seconds in.
• Give a stupid girl a video camera in a locker room full of women in various states of undress and you don’t expect something to happen?
• Short bus turning into a long bus, back into a short bus again.
• Dumb girl strikes again. Regular gas in a diesel tank, duh everyone knows that about buses. Don’t they?
• How convenient is it that the first place open to take a group of college girls is a strip club?
• Dance club montage! And more boobs!
• Robert Carradine is doing a mighty, mighty fine job of bad acting.
• Hmmmm…I wonder where those ladies are going to get $2000 only using their body parts and organs? Bet it’s not selling their kidneys.
• How different would the car washing scene be if they were washing the headlights?
• Cue the bad CG fire please.
• Bumblebee chick from car wash doubles as a Spring Break party goer.
• Anyone else hungry for green jello? Oh wait, it’s not for eating?
• Stiffler look-a-like and Joey Lawrence clone just happen to be the hosts of every party during Spring Break.
• I’m guessing it was a four-way tie for the wet t-shirt contest.
• Does Florida even have mountain areas?
• Anyone else hear a horrendously bad soundtrack playing in the background throughout the whole movie? It even drowned out the dialogue at times; not that that is a bad thing.
• Riding a bull topless apparently helps a feisty red-head stay on for a record time. But officer, she was riding so fast that her top just came flying off, it’s was the bull’s fault.
• The group must be stranded in a one cop town. He seems to be everywhere.
• CG rain storms are a perfectly good reason to freak out hysterically.
• Yeah for plastic trophies!!

Damn Bad Dialogue:

“Scholarships? You can get those here?”

“Ok, it’s too bad. Quief you later.”

“See that over there? This town is full of slutty sluttermans and their smutty slutfulness…”

“I am the Jello Queen, bitch!”

“I’m not baring my breasts to a bunch of perverts.”

“Craig is a pole-smoking butt pirate.”

“We’re not freaks, we’re the marching band.”

“My tits are all over the internet.”

The Final Word:

The Asylum is always best known for the no budget knockoffs of big budget movies, hoping to capitalize on some of those film’s popularity. While Bikini Spring Break isn’t a knockoff of a big budget  blockbuster but it was a throw back to the early 80’s and 90’s teen sex comedies. The film’s budget was clearly it’s biggest obstacle to overcome. Some bad editing didn’t do much to save the film either. In one particular scene, the band  has to travel to Florida via a “short bus”, but as they travel there are shots of a regular sized bus that not only changes in size, but also design and even color. The film also falls victim to a strange sense of distance. All the characters seemed to appear conveniently in places together even though they seemed to go in opposite directions. The film follows the five band members, the fact that they are band members means nothing really, but they are quick to lose their tops and playfully bounce up and down in a fit of giggles and squeals. Each of the girls has their own personality even if it involves the Spring Break banning prude; all of which were quite lovely in their own right. The acting isn’t too bad considering the dialogue that they were given. In fact, the most annoying characters were the Stiffler-type character and Robert Carradine’s character, Coach Gill. Bikini Spring Break didn’t have much to offer as a story and considering that it came from The Asylum, my expectations weren’t too high for this film. Maybe that’s why it didn’t really disappoint me to much, well, that and the fact that there wasn’t more than twenty minutes that passed before a pair of breasts came bouncing back onto the screen. Boobs aside, dare I say that this film was somewhat entertaining. So, in honor of the numerous pairs of breasts appearing in the film, I’m giving this film a pair of turds.

Introducing: Grim (1995)

Who doesn’t like a good monster movie every once in a while. It had been a while since I sat  down to a monster flick  that wasn’t a traditional zombie or ghost. While searching through the steaming library of Netflix, I ran upon a film what had the most interesting looking monster as it’s cover art. I noticed that it had a one star rating on Netflix and when searching for it in Rotten Tomatoes, it didn’t even have a rating from critics and only a 10% audience rating. With rating like those, that makes for an awful monster movie. So, I thought what the heck,what have I got to lose.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Paul Matthews

Starring: Emmanuel Xuereb (good luck pronouncing that one), Jack Chancer, David Kennedy, Tres Hanley

Rated: R

Tagline: This ain’t no fairytale

A group of spelunkers visit an old abandoned underground mine to see why there are cracks in the foundations of area homes. During their investigations of the mines, the visitors come in contact with a gigantic monster that seems to have been conjured up by a couple of the visitors during a seance at their home. The monster plays with and feeds on unsuspecting humans and keeps them locked up in cages. The monster has the ability to possess the minds of those that come in contact with it and has the uncanny propensity of walking through walls. One of the adventurers, Steve, mysteriously had a medallion that supposedly hurts the monster and he offers up his girlfriend as a sacrifice to the monster, known as Grim. During the attemptedsacrifice, the two “experts” of the group, find a way to destroy Grim by using light. This knowledge leads them to a plan that will hopefully stop the monster and get themselves out of the catacombs alive.

What you won’t want to miss:

• Using a Ouija board to conjure up a monster or spirit means that the writers don’t want to explain where the monster comes from. Troupe alert!!
• King Kong coming through the floor always brings an end to a séance
• All the boys things she’s a spy, she’s got, Betty Davis eyes
• Having problems with cracks in your foundation, join an amateur spelunking expedition. Hop they signed a liability waiver.
• Music sounds like it came from a bargain bin 99 cent Halloween music CD.
• Those exploding styrofoam walls sure make for great effects.
• Watch out for the badly animated bats.
• Red infrared sight is not the best for seeing in dark spaces.
• Cue the upset female overacting.
• Hey, even a monster has to kick back in the recliner too. It’s tough work…killing and eating people.
• Hey Trish, nice of you to drop in.
• Grim looks like nothing more than a person in a World of Warcraft orc suit.
• I don’t suppose anyone has an explanation for the torches that are already lit. If there is no airflow, how can they stay lit?
• And are those human sized cages on sale at just any hardware store or just those visited by man-eating trolls?
• With teeth like those, why would a monster need a meat cleaver?
• If you witnessed the butchering and beheading of people, you’d be  bat shit crazy too. “Here birdie, birdie.”
• Skulls crack like ceramic masks.
• Sunlight and bad special effects make a monster turn to stone.

Depressing Dialogue:

“Honey, what’s that disgusting smell?”

“This is spooky.” – “Oh come on, we did worse things when we were kids on Halloween.” – Giggle Giggle Giggle

“Sara, Sara, where’s my masccara Sara?”

“If anything happens, run like hell. Do you understand? Run like hell.

The Final Word:

Comments from people at IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes have crapped all over his film and going so far as to say that Grim is one of the worst movies ever made. This movie does indeed have it’s faults, but I don’t know that I would go quite that far, have any of these people not seen Mutant Hunt or Birdemic for that matter. Now, don’t get me wrong, this movie is nowhere near good. The acting is pretty bad and the soundtrack is just atrocious. The monster is somewhat interesting looking and the design probably would have been put to better use in another plot. And speaking of the plot, well, there wasn’t much of one. The story had several plot holes that were very distracting and disjointed. Where did the monster come from? Why does it choose to attack certain people? I could go in to more detail, but why should I, the movie itself didn’t. I’m giving this movie 4 turds, but only because it’s lucky that I’ve seen worse movies than Grim.

Introducing: The Norseman (1978)

This past week, I’ve been seeing different previews and advertisements online for a new upcoming series on The History Channel simply called Vikings. While it looks to me like their attempt to capitalize on the Game of Thrones fame, I looks intriguing to me. Since I don’t have cable, I’ll have to get a feel for Vikings by looking through my streaming resources. Low and behold, as if it were a sign from the movie gods, when I loaded up Netflix, nestled in the Just Added section was a movie called The Norseman. And when I saw that it starred Lee Majors, I knew I was on to something truly cheese-tastic.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Charles B. Pierce

Starring: Lee Majors, Cornel Wilde, Mel Ferrer, Susie Coelho

Rated: PG

Tagline: None

In 1006, a Viking prince sails to America to rescue his father who is being held captive by some vicious native Americans. At the turn of the 11th Century, Lee Majors is  Thorvald, a Viking from the land of the Norse, accompanied by his younger brother, a hunchbacked wizard, and a peanut gallery full of horn-helmeted vikings. Upon reaching the main land the group is attacked by Indians and their troubles begin. A young Indian girl befriends Thorvald and leads them to the location of their lost Viking family members who are suffering from bouts of torture and abuse at the hands of the Indians. This ignites yet another and final Viking vs Indian fight scene.

Notices and Wonders:

• Summary of scrolling text at the beginning, the Vikings are coming to the Americas.
• Row! Row! Row!
• Hey, could somebody please turn down the orchestra? We can’t hear the narration.
• Not very often the narrator gets created in a film.
• One little, two little, three little indians. Their arrows strike hard and true, but they apparently aim for the ass.
• Thorvald (Lee Majors) must look the farthest thing from a Viking, what with his Kentucky accent, porno stache, Zorro mask, and Roman Gladiator armor.
• Bad wigs all around for the blind guys.
• Big round pillows are awfully hard to grind corn with.
• In between Gandalf and Dumbledore, there was King Eurich.
• Indian and Viking love triangles never end well.
• Slow motion fighting isn’t good with cheaply made props. Shields shouldn’t bend like cardboard. And that is some bright red paint at the end of those swords.
• Hey buddy, if you’re going to throw your axe, don’t come up short.
• The inside of that boat seems to be at least double the size of the outside.
• The old Indian woman bears a striking resemblance to Mama Fratelli from Goonies.
• Be careful with that hot poker, you might actually burn someone. Especially if you actually touched them with it.
• Blind Vikings walk like zombies and are strong enough to kill two fat Indians.
• Viking armor must be made of aluminum cans if a single arrow can penetrate it.
• Two more fat Indians down. What had these guys been eating? They’ve got Viking grog bellies.
• Can you spot the hairy chested Indians?
• Dragging blind men along on a pike shouldn’t slow you down, their asses need to keep up.
• Epic Thorvald the Viking Baywatch moment!!
• More slo-mo indian killing.
• Wizards’s falcon for the win
• Thanks city of Newburn, North Carolina for furnishing the Viking boat. Funny.

Quotable Quotes:

“Spin your spell wizard.”

“It written that this new land, will be called Vineland.”

“As Odin has been my strength, you will be my eyes.”

“Let it be written that the name Olaf shall live on in the land of the Norse.”

The Final Word:

Let it be written that the movie, The Norseman, is…cheesy. The film classified as an action/adventure flick, but even that would be a stretch. The fight scenes themselves were quite humorous and looked like a fight that one would see during a play being performed at any local high school. Every punch, kick, stabbing, clubbing, and knife swing, noticeably missed their mark and this was highlighted by the slow-motion battle scenes. The characters fall victims to unfortunate stereotypes; the Vikings were stupid and looked as much with their horned helmets and silly six pack formed armor; the Indians with their brightly colored face paint and the constant whooping and hollering all through out their attacks. Stereotypes aside, the dialogue spoken by anyone was more barbaric than the Vikings themselves. I was humored by the appearance of football star Deacon Jones as the only black Viking – was there even such a thing in history? Probably the worst of all the acting came from the star itself, Lee Majors. He seemed as though he was half asleep and bored throughout the whole film. I’m guessing that many people may actually like this flick and I am sounding a little harsher than I should be because as bad as it seemed, the film was slightly entertaining. I give this movie 3 turds out of 5. While it was somewhat enjoyable, The Norseman would have been more fun to watch with a larger group of people.

Introducing: Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2008)

Upon looking on the internet for some of Netflix’s worst streaming movies, one in particular kept being mentioned over and over again, Birdemic: Shock and Terror. This past year, we narrowly escaped the end of the world of during 2012. What is going to be the next “big scare” that will endanger our species. We’ve had swine flu, possible asteroid collisions, Global warming, and even the bird flu. This particular story centers around a bird flu and environmental attack. It sounded a lot like M. Night Shyamalan’s  The Happening, and I know that it sucked. So I thought, what the heck, let’s see just how bad this movie was. Couldn’t have been any worse than what I’ve already seen in the past right. Little did I know what I would be in for. Maybe if you’re lucky, birds will come and gouge your eyes out before you push play so you won’t have to endure the 93 minutes of torture that  did.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: James Nguyen

Starring: Alan Bagh, Whitney Moore, Adam Sessa

Rated: NR

Tagline: Why did the eagles and vultures attack? (Good f’n question!!)

Rod, a software salesman, turned budding entrepreneur meets an old high school classmate, Nathalie, a Victoria’s Secret model. They get together for dinner and are obviously charmed by each other’s dull conversations, after which, they begin a relationship. Once few dates have gone by and visit to mother, Nathalie and Rod spend the night of sloppy and slurpy foreplay in a cheap motel and are awakened by the sounds of birds outside their window. They see that their town is being bombarded by eagles and vultures who dive bomb and explode upon hitting the ground. Rod and Nathalie meet another couple in the hotel and escape in their mini van that is apparently filled to the hilt with all sorts of illegal firearms. As they leave town, the foursome come upon two children whose parents have been violently killed and pecked to death by the deadly birds. The troupe rolls on from town to town meeting some interesting people along the way who propagate their environmental messages to the group. As the birds begin to leave a death trail of group members, the survivors must find out what is causing the attacks and how they can save themselves.

Things you might miss:

• In case one hasn’t noticed by now, our main character likes to randomly drive places.
• Oh my god, within the first ten minutes of the film I can already tell that this is an editing genius/nightmare.
• Awkward and creepy exchange of business cards.
• $4.59 for gas!! Good lord!
• So glad we get to follow Rod everywhere with some epic musical score. If we follow him into the bathroom too, I’m done.
• A one million dollar sale! Selling of what, we don’t know. Damn telemarketers.
• The sound editing leaves a little to be desired
• I’m sensing a “green” theme here.
• Wow, I’m sure that conversation has her truly interested, if she doesn’t fall asleep. More labored dialogue please.
• Yikes, some bad effects scenes forthcoming. CGI and birds and a green screen dance club, what more could you want from a film?
• Imagine Peace – shameless website plug
• Thirty minutes in to the film and we’ve not seen any birds.
• ONE BILLION DOLLARS!!! And stock options.
• Clap clap clap clap /stop/ Clap clap clap clap/ Stop /Clap clap clap clap
• There is some more labored dialogue between the two lovers, too bad we can’t hear it over the waves.
• Dead CGI bird on the beach – but don’t touch, it may be infectious.
• 40 minutes in – still no bird attacks.
• Dancing in an empty restaurant listening to some black guy singing about hanging with his family must be a turn on.
• Glad to know that she liked guys who didn’t always want sex, but Nathalie didn’t put up much of a fight for a night in some cheap motel. And with some dirty, nasty feet even. Gross.
• Finally, here come the birds! Dive bombing various places around town and exploding on contact. Kamikazee birds? Complete with their own airplane sounds.
• The sound of the eagles is driving my dog crazy.
• Watch out! It’s more birds on a string, kill them with a clothes hanger.
• Bet you didn’t know that eagles can defy physics and hover in one spot for a long periods of time.
• Screw those conceal and carry laws, we’re doing a drive by on some birds in a van that sounds like a small tank.
• More uncomfortable dialogue, too bad we can’t hear it over the highway noise.  And why aren’t any of the vehicles on the highway affected by this bird apocalypse?
• Who needs a safety seat for kids when you can stuff them in the trunk.
• Okay, okay, we get the “Save the Environment” theme of the film, but do you have to recycle and reuse scenes over again, and again, and again.
• What a great idea during a bird attack, spend the afternoon in a completely open area having a picnic.
• More environmental rants about global warming please along with a badly looped music track.
• So, where exactly did the guys get their scars from?
• You know it’s not your day if you’re attacked by birds whilst dropping a stink pickle.
• Could these guys be a worse shot? Why not shot the birds directly over your heads?
• And viola, scars are gone.
• How passengers on the bus escape being killed by errant bullets we’ll never know.
• Ummm…bird piss or vomit. You decide.
• $100 dollars a gallon? That’s about all I got from the man with the marbles in his mouth. These birds are apparently have quite the impact on the global economy.
• If something ran into a gas tank and exploded wouldn’t the whole station explode with it?
• Woody Harrelson look alike is a tree hugger who gives yet another riveting global warming rant.
• And the forest spontaneously bursts into small pockets of flames.
• See what imagining peace will get you?
• How convenient, a fishing rod and a small stove. Keep looking you might find perfectly formed hamburger patties and bags of chips. And oh look hot dogs!!
• Kamikaze bird, meet Mr. Windshield.
• Thank god for the caravan of doves flying south for the winter to some epic and dramatic music and credits. – Well maybe they will fly south or just stay suspended in midair.

Academy Award winning dialogue:

“A day without sex, is a day wasted man.”

“Some of my friends say that my B.S. degree stands for bullshit.”

“Man, that was a good movie! An Inconvenient Truth!”

“Look, there’s dead people on the side of the road. Let’s go see if there’s any survivors.”

“It’s the human species that needs to quit playing cowboy with nature. We must act more like astronauts, spacemen taking care of Spaceship Earth.”

“The eagles have killed our friends, do you have a phone?”

“I hear a mountain lion, I better get to my house, and you better get back to your car.”

The Final Bird…I Mean Word

So can this film be described as one of the worst movies ever made? In my opinion, yes. I had read somewhere that a writer once referred to this movie as a “trash-terpiece.” There have been better movies made by young teens on YouTube these days. Now I know that this movie was made on a less than meager budget, but come on, I’ve seen better acting in porn films. Each character’s dialogue was robotic and was either made up on the fly or read word for word from a cue card. The characters themselves weren’t even interesting. The only character that showed any type of enthusiasm and made an attempt to act was Nathalie’s mom and she kept noticeably stumbling over her lines. The editing was absolutely atrocious and felt like a five year old had used scissors to make a snowflake out of the film reel  and the director hurriedly pieced it back together. Some character’s lines were even cut off as the film cut from one scene to the next.  Oh, and the CG birds, don’t even get me started.  I had trouble telling if they were computer generated or paper cut outs in some scenes. Some even looked as though they were tied to strings and left to hang. Yes, this movie is hilariously awful. Were the filmmakers trying to make a stupid movie or did they think they had something good on their hands here? Either way, they missed the boat; completely. There were a couple of points in the movie when I was praying for a bird to swoop in, hover over me, and peck my eyes out so I didn’t have to finish the film.

This movie is easily one of the worst I think I’ve seen and it’s easy to rate this one, and I don’t feel the slightest bit of regret for doing so. Birdemic: Shock and Terror left me shocked that someone could make such crap and in terror to hear that a sequel has been made. Without thinking twice, I give this movie 5 turds. Not only would I give it five turds, but I would put them in a bag and light it on fire as well.

Just take a look at these screen shots. Ugh…