Introducing: The Falling (1987)

Spaceships crashing from space inhabited by aliens who escape and feed off of the beings on Earth! Yes please! Sounds like a fun premise for a science fiction flick. At least those were my initial thoughts, before actually seeing this movie. I wasn’t expecting anything great, and I was not disappointed or lead astray. Your best bet as you load up this sci-fi/horror movie would be to refer to the notes below, as I’ve hit on the most important parts of that you won’t want to miss.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Deran Serafian

Starring: Dennis Christopher, Lynn-Holly Johnson, J.O. Bosso (curious as to what the J.O. might stand for)

Rated: R

Tagline: Mankind’s Deadliest Threat has come from the Skies.

Number of Hamburger heads: 5 plus a cow

Synopsis: When U.S. “Skylab” comes crashing down from outer space and in doing so released alien microbes in the air and into the community of Durade, Spain. Three American teenagers who are looking for a fun trip find themselves stuck in Durade when their RV breaks down and they are left to find parts for repairs. While in town, they begin to notice peculiar behaviors from the local citizens and upon meeting a NASA scientist find out the truth about the Skylab crash. The three young people and the scientist search for the antidote to keep everyone from dying from the alien creatures who are feeding and incubating inside them.

Things you’ll want to make sure you don’t miss:

• Beware of the roaming cows
• Mmmmm…yum. Nothing like a buffet of disemboweled cow for dinner.
• Why do women always hit? Stupid girl – but really nice 80’s sweat suit.
• Well now, that’s’ one hell of a place to stop and make camp for the night
• American actors with some really bad Spanish accents. Sounded more like Borat.
• Never ever catch us up dune buggy. I feel like a king in my dune buggy.
• A little old to be playing imaginary shoot ’em up if you ask me.
• As if it wasn’t bad enough that the officers face was sliding off of his skull, you had to go and pop it like a big zit, nice work Doc.
• Must be some really hot rough sex in the kitchen, made the waitresses hair stand on end.
• Ahhh…remember when phones had rotary dials? And my what a lovely shade of green.
• Angry acting from the floozy…and scene.
• What’s with the guy in the mask? And how did she get away from him without getting squashed as well. Those old editing tricks.
• Vehicle problems, these movies always happen because of vehicle problems.
• Hello there Hamburger Face.
• So where did that damn doll come from? And are those chicken legs attached? Supernatural vibes?
• Michael must be really good at those Need for Speed games. Look at those driving skills. Must be why he’s “Hollywood’s #1 driver.
• Oh come on Michael, how can you be scared at a beam of light in your face? Especially since you’re the one holding it, idiot.
• Who would have guessed that 60 seconds would have lasted so long.
• Hooray for stock footage.
• Super exciting car chase soundtrack, complete with synth beat and horn section.
• Michael must have some pretty powerful cologne on, everyone wants to hug him.
• Dr. Tracer makes for a good road bump.
• Gas station attendant gets an unwanted alien facial.
• So that’s what the alien looks like? Finally! A giant spider with teeth.

Oscar worthy dialogue:

“I couldn’t bare the thought of leaving a hurt dog in the middle of the highway.”

“Golly gee whiz and check it out dudes, Brooklyn Dodgers, and all that stuff…”

“Did you two know that one out of every eight people are infected with Elmer Fudd disease.”

“Ow, you know we’re parked in a red zone!”

The Final Word:

This movie is not good, not good at all. The acting was pretty cheesy as it is with the typical 80’s horror flick. The film did feature some surprisingly gruesome gore and blood. The plot was pretty lame and stupid. This movie also goes by a few other titles which made it hard to find. The film is most commonly known as Alien Predator or Mutant 2.

While watching, I found that it was difficult for me to understand what exactly the real threat was. Was it the alien, was it the weird citizens, the vehicles that ran people over, was it a supernatural entity that would make things appear, disappear, and move. I never really understood what the true threat was. By the end of the movie, the alien takes center stage. It only took 85 minutes to show itself in the 90 minute film. Starting from the beginning with some Psycho horror movie style music to a  jazzy synth mix during a car chase, the soundtrack is bad. The acting was nothing to write home about while at the same time not terrible. Damon’s character was probably the best acted while the role of Sam was rather annoying, although there was something hot about watching her run through the streets in tight jeans and boots. All in all, this movie earns itself 3.5 turds out five.

Introducing: Clifford (1994)

It’s a new year, the holiday season is passed us, and my winter vacation has withered away to nothing. It’s a good time to return to the real world refreshed and ready to go. I thought I’d start the new year with something humorous and funny and get the new year started right. Instead, I was stunned beyond believe at what I chose. The movie I painfully watched was 1994’s Clifford. If you are a glutton for punishment then load this flick up in your Netflix queue and use the notes I’ve provided so you can watch it on fast forward and you won’t have to endure the full 90 minutes of torture that others before you have had.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Paul Flaherty

Starring: Martin Short,Charles Grodin, Mary Steenburgen, Dabney Coleman

Tagline: A comedy with a lots of laughs, and a 10-year-old terror! – I call bullshit on this one.

Rated: PG

Total Number of Funny Moments in the Film: 1 (Bonus if you can actually find it)

Ten year old Clifford is sent on a quick trip to his Uncle Martin’s house to give some relief to his overwhelmed and drunk parents and to show Martin’s girlfriend that he can care for a young child and be a family man. The problem is that Clifford is obsessed with dinosaurs and wants to visit the local theme park, Dinosaur Land. And when a promised visit to the park, gets side tracked because of a business deadline at Martin’s job, young Clifford decides to make his Uncle’s life a living hell for not following through on his promise.

What You Would be Missing:

• Nice title sequence art
• Boy Meets World meets Martin Short’s head
• Surely I’m not the only one who is disturbed at Martin Short acting like a little kid.
• Holy massive flowery moo-moo Batman, was that just a Rosie O’Donnell sighting.
• Did Charles Grodin not get enough of being dragged all over the place by a dog during Beethoven?
• What’s scarier Martin Short being a 10-year-old or Mary Steenburgen in the shower…definite toss up.
• The person in that dinosaur costume sure shrunk a lot on the way to the bathroom.
• Uncle Martin must be drunk already if he can’t smell the difference between a Bloody Mary and a class of Tabasco Sauce
• Well now,  that’s not fair, the people at the dinner table got to laugh more during this movie than I have so far.
• More non-funny Martin Short faces please. Oh, and a stupid Ed Grimley dance to boot.
• Grodin’s eagle-eyes from a speeding taxi cab can spot a cheating Steenburgen anywhere
• Man in drag cameo for no apparent reason
• Must we see another Clifford/Ed Grimley dance? It wasn’t funny the first time.
• Continuity alert: Clifford’s hands get untied twice
• This kid has got some mental issues, he doesn’t have Dennis the Menace’s mischievous innocence, he is completely psychotic and evil.
• Welcome to Jurassic Park!!
• As if going through a crappy dinosaur themed roller coaster ride once was bad enough. Try two and a half times.
• Short was much more entertaining as an old priest than a ten year old.
• And that ladies and gentlemen is the point in his life that Clifford knew he was gay.

Award Winning Dialogue:

“I spent the better part of a whole day in your company.”

“Normally I’d despise when someone ruffles my hair Uncle Martin, but not when you do it.” Awkward silence.

“I NEED CHOCOLATE – Get me the Bunny!”

“If you do one thing that I find weird…look like a human boy for once.”

“No thanks, I’m not interested in babysitters that aren’t associated with the Manson family.”

“Uncle Martin, someone tried to touch me in my “no-no special place…”

The Final Word:

First of all, who in their right mind would think that this would remotely work as a movie? Was this supposed to be a movie designed to highlight Martin Short’s quirky comedic behavior and make him a huge star? If so…EPIC FAIL!!! Martin Short doesn’t even attempt to make himself act like a real 10-year-old child would act or speak or react. He was like a four year old with a fifty year old vocabulary and delivery. There is nothing likable about his character at all. In fact, did anyone even hang out with a 10-year-old prior to the movie to research for the role? Short could have at least hung out with the Boy Meets World kid for a day or two to see how a 10-year-old really acts. The acting throughout the film isn’t great despite a pretty good cast. Mary Steenbergen and Dadney Coleman do somewhat of a half-assed job in their secondary roles, while I think Charles Grodin may have done the best job throughout the film. He was a bit more funny that Short was but still have some bad “overacting” bits.

This movie was bad from the very beginning, I was highly disappointed at exactly how unfunny this movie was. Now, I wasn’t expecting to be crying from laughter, but I was at least expecting something entertaining. You want to know the one point in the movie that mad me chuckle and I thought was funny, it was within the first five minutes of the film when the kid falls out of the window onto Priest Short’s head. That was it! Probably my warped sense of humor, however not as warped as the writers of this film. I am giving this movie a generous 4.5 turds out of 5 and a candidate for one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in my life.