Monthly Archives: May 2013

Introducing: Rodentz (2001)

rodentz coverSummer vacation is here. This gives me some time to relax by playing golf, reading some good books, and loading up my streaming services with movies to watch. Luckily, or unfortunate, however the case may be, I came upon the film Rodentz as the first flick that popped up in the “New Arrivals”  section of Netflix. I didn’t feel like doing much searching so I just settled for the first thing I saw. Besides, anytime you replace an “s” with a “z” in the movie’s title, you know you’re in for a real ztinker!

AKA: Altered Species

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Serge Rodnunsky or Miles Feldman???

Starring: Allen Lee Haff, Guy Vieg, Robert Broughton, Leah Rowan

Rated: R

Tagline: They thought their experiments would change mankind…they were wrong!

Rotten Tomatoes Score: No Reviews Yet (0%)

Number of minutes spent looking for a condom: 5

In searching for a cure for cancer, a scientist pours some defective serum down the drain which festers through the sewer pipes right onto the path of a colony of rats. His assistant is able to inject a rat specimen with the serum that has an adverse affect on the rat making it grow to enormous proportions. All the while, the now “infected” rats have turned aggressive thanks to the serum in the drain and turn their anger onto any poor unsuspecting humans (and cat) that happens to visit the laboratory. As convenience would have it, enter five drunk college students looking for their friend, the scientist’s assistant, and a party. What they find however, is a lab infested with serum enhanced rats that have a blood lust for jingly things and human flesh.

Things to Watch for:

  • Rat infested title sequence
  • Every laboratory filled with caged mice must have at least one cat (I’m guessing it doesn’t end well for the cat)
  • The amount of green mixture poured down a sink increases in capacity from a cup to at least a half gallon.
  • CGI rat with animatronic motions is nothing to mess with.
  • When the rat sees red, the fur starts to fly…and the blood.
  • Haven’t people learned by now that it’s not safe to drink the Kool-Aid.
  • Can they make the rats look any cuter?
  • Night custodians are always so bored and lonely that they have to talk to themselves.
  • Rats grow considerable larger when attacking a human body.
  • Haunted lab strip poker may not be as fun as it sounds.
  • I may be crazy, but I think the jug of communal Kool-Aid just refilled itself.
  • Oh, those cute lab rats, they grow up so fast.
  • What’s the matter doc, rat got your eye?
  • Bad dub over, not in sync with blonde girl’s drunk mouth – “Yes of course”
  • Brenda is just hungry enough to eat through her cage.
  • Did you know that rats “howl” at the moon?
  • Boobs!!
  • Really bad voice over dubbing again
  • Huh? WHAT DID YOU SAY? SPEAK UP, WE CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE AWFUL SOUNDTRACK!
  • Running from rats must be a good way to lose weight. Pink girl’s pants keep sliding farther and farther down.
  • It’s tough work finding a condom in the bottomless glove compartment.
  • Frank is going to be pissed that a large rat got to eat out his girlfriend before he did.
  • Okay I can’t be the only one thinking of these watching those rats come around the corner of the building.
  • I don’t suppose anyone can explain how the lights came back on again.
  • Rats jump out of their cages like Star Trek tribbles.
  • PETA members may want to close their eyes at the 1 hr 3 minute mark. There may be a spot in the NFL for Walter. Laces out Dan!
  • SAFETY TIP: Hey kids! Using one’s teeth on electrical wires is an amazingly stupid and unsafe idea. Don’t try that at home.
  • Since when do electrical boxes run off of 6-Volt batteries duct taped together? Someone got the electrician’s special on that deal.
  • I’ve seen a person in a Godzilla suit, a person in a Sasquatch suit, but this might just be the first person in a rat suit I’ve ever seen. And probably the worst suit in movies…ever!
  • Gary, didn’t your mother tell you, never shake hands with a rat bigger than you!
  • Anyone in the mood for fried rat?
  • How many times is that van going to blow up?
  • Well sure as hell not going to sit through the “spider” version. No thanks.

Dandy Dialogue:

“Ain’t got the bosom, but I got the whiskey.”

“Spunk? Spunk?”

“You wouldn’t be talking like that if you had a tumor.” – “He already does…it’s in his shorts.”

“Walter, take a chill pill. We’re here to save you from yourself.”

“I’m sorry, you were completely innocent, in bed with another chick, naked.”

FINAL WORD:

While animal attack movies have been around for some time, this just might be the worst of them all. The movie was so bad, the director has to go by an alias (Serge Rodnunsky a.k.a. Miles Feldman) The plot is so ridiculous and contrived – drunk teens go to a laboratory to party that is infested with rats. The story itself takes forever to get into. After watching for thirty boring minutes, I paused the film only to find that there was still another hour left to go! Most B-Movies know that they are going to be bad, but this film crew must have thought that they had a blockbuster hit on their hands. There was not the usual tongue-in-cheek approach that many B-Movies tend to take, but instead, decided to take itself too serious. Way too serious! I have some questions in mind that bothered me about the film, but I’ll keep them to myself because giving them mcuh more thought means that I had put more thinking into the film than the filmmakers themselves did.

Most of the characters serve no purpose at all, other than to be rat food by the end. All the character stereotypes are here, but very thinly built and very one-dimensional. There’s the slut, jock, chicken, rebel, prude, and nerd. Sad thing, the characters could be easily interchanged among the actors and no one would notice. The acting is just plain bad. Hell, I’d give more props to the rats. Bottom line, pass on this movie. You’ll get much more enjoyment, and less pain, setting mousetraps to different parts of your own body. This film gets four rat turds out of the dreaded five.

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Introducing: Assault of the Sasquatch

assault of the sasquatch 00Sometimes a lesson at school peaks students’ interests so much, that they go out and find their own information to fill themselves with more knowledge. During a reading lesson, we read about cryptozoologists and how they hunted for mythical creatures such as Bigfoot and Loch Ness Monster. We’ve learned that a good place to find interesting documentaries is Netflix. Sure enough, our search through Netflix turned up at least six different titles pertaining to Bigfoot. One of the titles that popped up was something called Assault of the Sasquatch. Judging a video by it’s cover made this movie look like quite the turd. I couldn’t have been more right.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Andrew Gernhard

Starring: Kevin Shea, Sarah Ahearn, Greg Nutcher, Cristina Santiago

Rated: R

Tagline: New Territory…Fresh Prey.

Rotten Tomatoes: 0% – That should have been a warning.

Number of times fat kid says Sasquatch: 33

A group of bear hunters haul in the ultimate prize while on a hunting excursion, the mythical Sasquatch. With intentions of selling the Sasquatch to a big game collector for one million dollars, the trio soon find out the the Sasquatch means business and kills two of them before the third is arrested. When their vehicle is taken to a run down police station, the Sasquatch escapes and reeks havoc over the town. Two local teens and members of the International Sasquatch Hunters see the creature while peeping on a girl taking a shower, the perv. While having to wander in an unfamiliar territory, the Sasquatch must fight it’s way out, killing everything in it’s path.

Best parts you won’t want to miss:

  • Rednecks with too much ammo isn’t a good way to start a movie.
  • Grandpa has the such a golden smile.
  • Gotta feel safe around those cops that take a weed hit and pop pills before heading to a call.
  • Sasquatch go for onion and broccoli pizzas.
  • I think Grandpa’s eye patch just switched eyes.
  • Sasquatch looks disturbingly like a cross between Rob Zombie, a gorilla suit, and WWE Wrestler Mark Henry.
  • I’m thinking that pizza parlour needs to install a two drink limit.
  • Fat guys should know that horizontal stripes are not very slimming.
  • So how does a Bigfoot climbing on top of a roof?
  • Boobs!
  • Did you see what that little dog was wearing, she deserved to get squashed.
  • Apparently, someone didn’t check the prisoner before putting him in the cell. Not a very good pat down job.
  • Ever feel like you’re being followed by a Bigfoot?
  • That Sasquatch has a pretty good arm. He can throw rocks, tires, and mailboxes with great accuracy.
  • Must be the calmest dad in the world. You daughter just got sucked out the door and kidnapped by a Bigfoot creature, no problem, don’t move and she’ll come back eventually. Let the psycho police receptionist go get her instead.
  • How to fight Bigfoot in hand to hand combat. Kick to chest – Kick to balls – Kick to stomach – Kick to Chest – FINISH HIM!!!
  • I’ll rip your arm off and beat you with the bloody end of it.
  • Crazy secretary’s dried blood on her mouth looks like she just ate a cherry Popsicle.
  • “For some reason we’ve pissed that thing off…” – You think? Knocking it out and stuffing it in a storage truck, can’t imagine why it would be pissed off.
  • Guys with a glandular disorder can easily knock a Sasquatch off it’s feet. He needed that to happen like he needed a hole in the head.
  • Sasquatch javelin throw for the win.
  • Looks like the angry acting classes are starting to pay off. Now if only she hadn’t dropped out of dramatic acting.
  • Sasquatch can make a man’s head turn just like an owl’s.
  • Who knew that only four nails could hold a Sasquatch down?
  • Sasquatch is smart enough to push a button.
  • All this time, and all the Sasquatch wanted a finger to add to his necklace.
  • Could someone please call back the Sasquatch to punch the fat kid in the face again?!

Best Quotes Ever:

“Nighty, night hairball.”

“She’s smart, she’s sexy, she’s smexy.”

“The bathroom is just down the hall and there’s air freshener in the bottom cabinet, just in case you need it.”

“Those things are huge.” – “F*** yeah they’re big, they don’t call him Bigfoot for nothing.

“Did you guys see a Sasquatch? He’s big, he’s hairy, and has boobs.”

“Hands.” – “I was wondering when I was going to get my conjugal visit. Whoa, hey, if you wanted it rough, all you had to do was ask.”

“I wasn’t always just a secretary.”

“You better believe that if you piss off Sasquatch, you’re f****d.”

“Mr. Sasquatch, Mr. Sasquatch, I’m so sorry. But on a side note, it’s such an honor to meet you.”

THE FINAL WORD:

Much in the same vain as Thankskilling, this movie never seems to take itself too seriously and in fact had a tendency to be terrible on purpose.   Between a bodily evisceration and a fist through the head, the deaths add a bit of hilarity to the film, when the acting itself isn’t doing so. The characters are either overtly over dramatic (Don) who screams every line or dull and half asleep (sheriff). The writer of the film has penned himself the part of a horny, grumpy, one-eyed big game hunter. His one-liners are somewhat humorous, but get to be a bit annoying. The most charismatic character would have to be the Sasquatch creature. Although it is an obvious person in an ugly gorilla suit, the ‘Squatch and gratefully made to be the “star” of the film. Which brings us back around to the creative killing of characters. The music is nothing much to write home about and is immediately forgettable. There are several editing boo-boos and any action is hard to keep track of because of either a very tight camera angle or very little lighting. This film is not good and should probably stay hidden like the Sasquatch itself and earns it a 4 turd rating.

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Introducing: The Thing with Two Heads (1972)

thing with two headsIt was upon one evening after a three-mile run that I sat on the couch and was scrolling through the Netflix “New Releases” that I saw the cover art for a film that made me laugh uncontrollably and out loud. It was the outrageous cover art to the film “The Thing with Two Heads” and on it depicts a picture of a person with two heads, one white and one black, riding on a motorcycle looking like it was out of control. That, and the unforgettable tagline (They transplanted a white bigot’s head onto a soul brother’s body) definitely had my interest. The idea of such a premise was so ridiculous, in an instant, I knew, that I had to watch this film. I was ready for some good ol’ early 70’s exploitation entertainment.  Fortunately, the laughs did not stop at only the cover art once I hit the play button. Unfortunately, however, all logic went out the window and the cheese started to ooze out of the film as soon as the opening credits began.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Lee Frost

Starring: Ray Miland, Rosey Grier, Chelsey Brown, Don Marshall

Rated: PG

Tagline: They transplanted a white bigot’s head on a soul brother’s body!

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 0%

Number of times the term black bastard is used: 4

Dr. Kirschner is an accomplished transplant surgeon, and bigot, has successfully performed the transplant of a head onto another live body to keep the latter alive. His experiment has been proven successful with the creation of a two-headed gorilla. When Kirschner learns that he has been stricken with an inoperable cancer, he demands that his assistant, Dr. Desmond to find him a body and perform the transplant to prolong his life. The “donor” comes in the form of a convicted murderer on death row, Jack Moss, who also happens to be a large black man. With time running out for Dr. Kirschner, the transplant is made on Jack. When they both come to and Jack realizes what has happened, he uses the opportunity to escape and find a way to clear his name , not to mention rid himself of the extra head he’s acquired. As the police set chase, hilarity and stupidity take over in a bumbling game of cat and two-headed mouse.

Things you won’t want to miss:

  • First time you’ll ever see the title of a movie grow a head; and with interesting “boner” sound.
  • Two, two, two gorillas in one!
  • I feel sorry for any child that these doctors give a shot to.
  • Clean up on aisle five!
  • Colored toilet paper and Tab? Definitely the 70s.  Whatever happened to that colored toilet paper anyway? Answer
  • How many bananas can one ape shovel into its second lifeless mouth anyway?
  • Rejection specialist? Poor doctors only makes $500 per week, how much rejection can one person handle?
  • Exits to hospital surgical rooms lead to complete and total darkness.
  • Terminal chest cancer is a pretty broad diagnosis, but inoperable all the same.
  • Poor gorilla lost his head over this whole scientific experiment.
  • Any volunteers to give your body and your life up for the purposes of science?
  • Opening and closing the basement windows tends to make the walls shake.
  • Bulldog clamp, mosquito clamp, gorilla clamp, nipple clamp
  • Wait, I thought the whole success of the transplant was depended on the spinal column.
  • Hey Doc, got head?
  • One would think that goatee would be a bit scratchy.
  • You’re late for the injection nurse, now Shoo bitch, shoo.
  • Thus begins the game of: Which head is the real one?
  • Jack, your jacket isn’t the most comfortable fit.
  • The term “backseat driver” will never mean the same again.
  • The scenes with both live heads must be the most uncomfortable contraption for both actors.
  • And the escapees pull “a-head” of the pack. If they end up winning…
  • Two guys on the phone while 50+people eavesdrop.
  • It’s clear that policemen find it impossible to avoid random ravines in an open field.
  • Haven’t we seen those crashes before?
  • It’s evident that more of the film’s budget was spent on destroying police vehicles than on any special effect work whatsoever.
  • Oh come on, just give him a kiss. Don’t mind the extra head attached to his shoulders.
  • Hey Doc, you might want to look at the size of the body your sharing before you do any racial stereotyping. Now shut up and eat your soul food.
  • Rosie Grier should be given credit for his coordination and balance while his eyes are closed. Pretty impressive.
  • Oh my, this soundtrack is absolutely terrible.
  • Removal of a spare head seems to be simple outpatient surgery.

Quotable Quotes:

“Hey doc, is this going to hurt?”

“Cut down the dosage of Barbital to the black head.”

“You soul brother, you got a car?”

“I’ve committed political suicide and you say, “It’s not as bad as it sounds.”

“Jack, you get into more shit.”

“What’s a matter baby, don’t dig soul food?” – “What do you got for dessert, watermelon?”

“Phillip, get me another body, please.”

The Final Word:

Two heads aren’t always better than one, especially in this case. However, the interaction and constant bickering between the two heads is quite enjoyable to watch. Rosie Grier wasn’t the best actor, but you could tell that he was at least having fun with the role he was given despite having a grumpy old white guy strapped to his back at various times throughout the movie. He’s by far not great,  but has a bit of charm and although being a convicted felon on the run from the police, one almost considers him the hero that has had this horrible tragedy thrust upon him. Ray Milland plays the bigoted old doctor well and actually had some of the funnier lines in the film. The two actors play really well off of one another. The filmmakers carefully walk the line making the underlying theme of racism stand out without making it do so offensively. The special effects aren’t the greatest and are quite cheesy. Throughout the film, the “monster” switches from a person with an obviously fake head bobbing on it’s shoulder, to two men forced together by what must have been a very uncomfortable contraption. The transplant scene itself is quite laughable too. By far the best scene in the film however, is the police chase through the countryside while on a motorcycle. The dim-wittedness and stupidity of the police force reminded me of a whole squadron of Rosco P. Coltrane type of officers. Their driving skills left a little to be desired. The dinner scene with Moss and his girlfriend is quite humorous as well. While the plot is obviously contrived and doesn’t live up to it’s full potential, the actors themselves are enough to make up for it. While, this corniness is not for everyone, it is rather entertaining and is definitely worth at least one viewing. Based on the entertainment value alone, and despite the cheese factor, I am giving this film four out of five turds.

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