Introducing: Zombie High (1987)

As school starts again for thousands of students across the nation, and teachers too, what better way to open a new school year than with a movie entitled, Zombie High. Now, some teachers can debate that there are days where high school students walk around as if in a zombified state anyway, but it’s always nice to see someone else having to put with it for a change. And in the case of Zombie High, it’s a young Virginia Madsen that gets to deal with those students, but only because they are her peers. Sound interesting…it’s not. I’d rather spend 93 minutes in a high school economics class listening to a lecture that have sit through Zombie High. But, I did. So, in honor of school beginning and of the reports and papers that are bound to be written in the next few months, I have provided you with the Clif Notes versions of this academic nightmare of a flick.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Rob Link

Starring: Virginia Madsen, Richard Cox, Paul Fieg, T. Scott Coffey, Paul Williams

Rated: R

Tagline: None – Might I suggest, “This school will pick your brain.”

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 15% Audience

Number of  lobotomized students it takes to form a perfect dance number in sync: 4

A promising young woman is awarded a scholarship to a prestigious all boys boarding school. When she starts to notice that her peers seem to drastically change their personalities and become straight laced focused students, she begins to uncover a nefarious secret about the school’s never-aging faculty.

Most Important Parts you Won’t want to Miss:

• Everybody knows actions speak louder than words, listen to the beat get up on your feet. Let’s Go!
• Pop up those collars kids, it is the 80’s after all.
• Carpe Diem! –  in harmony
• They sure aren’t stingy with the mashed potatoes.
• Looks like someone is going to need to learn some different pick up lines.
• Gang rape by some frat boys.
• Watch out for the girls that have PSM. They are a bit weird.
• Zzzzz…oh, what?
• If a scream and a crash of stainless steel equipment isn’t a clue that someone is sneaking about in the infirmary, nothing is.
• I’m guessing that whoever scored this soundtrack was a drum major.
• The professor looks pretty good for a 102 year old.
• Best use of scene swipes since Star Wars.
• Breakfast of Champions – injections of blood and brain matter.
• OMG, I’m having flashbacks to watching episodes of Dukes of Hazard during the car chase.
• Man, those screen swipes sure are noisy.
• Stay out of the way when old zombies want to hit the bottle.
• Barry’s shoes must double as roller skates.
• Quite possibly the worst rip off of the Beastie Boys I’ve ever heard
• My thoughts about this movie exactly – Kiss My Butt!

Award Winning Quotes:

“You know there’s a 10 to 1 guys to girls ratio here?”

“You give me potatoes, I’ll kill your entire family.”

“The only thing I hate more than women is men.”

“Dullness is a contagious disease around here.”

“You can’t replace human emotions with a crystal.”

“Craziest damn thing I ever heard.”

“Craziest damn thing I ever heard.”

“Craziest damn thing I ever heard.”

“You’re tapped, f**ker.”

“Got yourself quite an education didn’t you?”

THE FINAL WORD:

Despite the always entertaining, Virginia Madsen, and the awesome 80’s clothes, this movie really doesn’t have much to offer. If you were thinking that you were getting ready for an all out zombie fest full of blood and gore. Well, think again. The plot is quite uninteresting and actually a bit stupid. Saying that the pacing was a little sluggish is doing this film justice. What a bore. In fact, nothing happens until a Hazzard County style car chase scene, complete with dirt road fishtailing and dirt pile jumping, that takes place when the “mystery” of the school starts to take shape. The special effects masters of this film didn’t do a whole lot better either. What little bit of “monster” we saw, was nothing more than a latex mask pulled over the head that no one made an attempt to conceal by at least tucking the bottom of the mask down into the actor’s shirt. Nope, it was left just hanging there for a scene that maybe took 10 secs of screen time. If this film was being graded at it’s own fictional academy, it would receive a generous D-, but since I’m grading it, I give the film the score that it has earned with a score of 4 turds.

Introducing: Super Capers (2009)

It’s not very often that I get really excited about seeing a movie in the theater – The Dark Knight Rising was high on my MUST SEE movies at the theater. This weekend, another just as anticipated movie is set to hit cinemas – Man of Steel. And boy am I excited. I was threatened by my girlfriend not to go see it without her, so in the meantime, I need something to get my Superhero fix. I turned to my old faithful Netflix subscription service to provide what I was looking for. Now, I could have easily chosen some of the proven winners such as Thor, Captain America, or Iron Man 2, but that would be too good just in case my anticipation of the new Superman film didn’t live up to my expectations. No, I decided to look for something that was bad so that I would not be underwhelmed by Zack Snyder’s latest film. And low and behold, I found a potential turd in the movie Super Capers.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Ray Griggs

Starring: Justin Whalin, Michael Rooker, Clint Howard, “Tiny” Lister, Adam West

Rated: PG

Tagline: Fighting evil has never been funnier!

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 0% – Ouch!

Number of  bad movie references to Great movies: 10 (And possibly more that I missed when I dosed off.)

Plot: Ed Grubberman wants desperately to become a superhero. So much so that he dons his own handmade cape and tries to fight crime out on the streets. As a result of being sued by one of the criminals he fights against, he is assigned by the local judge, to join a team of caped misfits who live in a halfway house for Superheroes. Ed gets himself in the middle of a criminal plot by the judge, who is a former superhero himself, and is framed for the theft of several gold buillion (bars). Through the powers of time travel and apparently stupidity, the team foils the plans of the criminal mastermind and uncover his secret plot.

If it sounds stupid, trust me, it is.

Important things to take away from this movie:

• Superhero movies just aren’t the same without that distinct flipping red Marvel rectangle or the folding DC logo.
• First indication that I’ve stumbled upon a bad move – Clint Howard.
• Corny cartoon sound effects are going to make for a long movie.
• Comic panel opening credit sequence that thinKs it’s extremely funny.
• Being Merle has made Michael Rooker so much cooler!
• Who knew this movie was going to be half live-action and half MAD magazine?
• Good to see Adam West still getting some use out of the old Batmobile.
• Where can I get me a Schwarzenagger robot?
• Inflatable chairs beware with Puffer Boy around.
• Cool looking Minotaur outfit.
• A homophobic joke and a Christian joke both within a minute of each other.
• Superheroes need to be careful when doing their own laundry so that their tights don’t shrink.
• Wow, that was probably the worst Shatner impression I think I’ve ever seen.
• Mannequins make pretty good speed bumps and they make squishing sounds.
• Robot pick up lines sometimes go unanswered.
• New white suit turns Grubberman into a pussy…cat.
• FBI or Men in Black? YEAH!!
• Dark Winged Vesper looks like a cross between Adam West’s Batman and Dracula.
• Will Powers plays Wack-A-Mole with Red. Don’t call him old.
• Why does a Superhero spoof keep referring to a science fiction movie?
• It looks like Michael Rooker is about to walk off the set at the stupid “Return of the Jedi” scene. – “This is ridiculous!” Hell I’d leave too.
• If you hit pause you might actually be able to tell that Arnie robot has a face.
• Cue god awful Back to the Future sound alike music. Alan Silvestri must be throwing up.
• Morbidly bad Marlon Brando impersonation
• Don’t we all need an “In case You’re Screwed” button?
• OMG! The Greatest American Hero theme! Easily the best way to end a terrible movie.
• What the Hell? Need a good Chili Pie recipe? Watch the credits.

Super Sayings and Dynamic Dialogue:

“I’m going to send you to a Superhero halfway house.”

“I was Manbat, would you like an autograph?”

“How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should be open when she brings it.”

“SuperCapers, let’s rock!”

“I’m making a sound effect. No superhero can use his powers without a good sound effect in the background.”

“Do you always talk to yourself?” – “Ah crap, that was supposed to me my inside voice.”

“Great horny toads, it needs some adjusting.”

THE FINAL WORD:

Now, there are several movies that I loved growing up as a child and even those that I would say have had a big impact on my movie watching experiences and my in some way my childhood growing up. CRASH! I however do not feel the need to make a crappy movie  and shove in corny and out of place references to these films to show my appreciation for them. That’s what this film has done. With references to respectable movies such as Star Wars, Back to the Future, James Bond, Star Trek, and others, SuperCapers ends up a jumbled and very unfunny superhero spoof that looks more like director Ray Griggs is making fun of the movies that influenced him rather than paying homage to them. Z ING! Why is it, the movies that are purposely trying to be funny end up being some of the dumbest? The actors try to make the dialogue sound funny and do a pretty good job with what they have been forced to work with. WHACK! And what spoof wouldn’t be complete without the occasional cameo from former Hollywood stars (Adam West, Clint Howard, June Lockhart) I use the term “stars” loosely of course. ZAP! Griggs even gives himself a role in the film.  HONK!  He should stick to directing, at least the direction of the film was done too terribly bad. But, I plead to all filmmakers out there who are wanting to make a film that is family friendly and supposedly funny. Please, please, please, for all that is good in the world, stop adding the cartoon sound effects to every little action. BOING! SPROING! THUD!!  In describing this film, I’ll use one of the favorite sayings of hero Ed Grubberman, “Crap”. I’m giving this superhero spoof 3.5 out of 5 turds.  SPLAT!

UPDATE!!!

“Man of Steel” kicks ass by the way.

Introducing: The Thing with Two Heads (1972)

It was upon one evening after a three-mile run that I sat on the couch and was scrolling through the Netflix “New Releases” that I saw the cover art for a film that made me laugh uncontrollably and out loud. It was the outrageous cover art to the film “The Thing with Two Heads” and on it depicts a picture of a person with two heads, one white and one black, riding on a motorcycle looking like it was out of control. That, and the unforgettable tagline (They transplanted a white bigot’s head onto a soul brother’s body) definitely had my interest. The idea of such a premise was so ridiculous, in an instant, I knew, that I had to watch this film. I was ready for some good ol’ early 70’s exploitation entertainment.  Fortunately, the laughs did not stop at only the cover art once I hit the play button. Unfortunately, however, all logic went out the window and the cheese started to ooze out of the film as soon as the opening credits began.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Lee Frost

Starring: Ray Miland, Rosey Grier, Chelsey Brown, Don Marshall

Rated: PG

Tagline: They transplanted a white bigot’s head on a soul brother’s body!

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 0%

Number of times the term black bastard is used: 4

Dr. Kirschner is an accomplished transplant surgeon, and bigot, has successfully performed the transplant of a head onto another live body to keep the latter alive. His experiment has been proven successful with the creation of a two-headed gorilla. When Kirschner learns that he has been stricken with an inoperable cancer, he demands that his assistant, Dr. Desmond to find him a body and perform the transplant to prolong his life. The “donor” comes in the form of a convicted murderer on death row, Jack Moss, who also happens to be a large black man. With time running out for Dr. Kirschner, the transplant is made on Jack. When they both come to and Jack realizes what has happened, he uses the opportunity to escape and find a way to clear his name , not to mention rid himself of the extra head he’s acquired. As the police set chase, hilarity and stupidity take over in a bumbling game of cat and two-headed mouse.

Things you won’t want to miss:

• First time you’ll ever see the title of a movie grow a head; and with interesting “boner” sound.
• Two, two, two gorillas in one!
• I feel sorry for any child that these doctors give a shot to.
• Clean up on aisle five!
• Colored toilet paper and Tab? Definitely the 70s.  Whatever happened to that colored toilet paper anyway? Answer
• How many bananas can one ape shovel into its second lifeless mouth anyway?
• Rejection specialist? Poor doctors only makes $500 per week, how much rejection can one person handle?
• Exits to hospital surgical rooms lead to complete and total darkness.
• Terminal chest cancer is a pretty broad diagnosis, but inoperable all the same.
• Poor gorilla lost his head over this whole scientific experiment.
• Any volunteers to give your body and your life up for the purposes of science?
• Opening and closing the basement windows tends to make the walls shake.
• Bulldog clamp, mosquito clamp, gorilla clamp, nipple clamp
• Wait, I thought the whole success of the transplant was depended on the spinal column.
• Hey Doc, got head?
• One would think that goatee would be a bit scratchy.
• You’re late for the injection nurse, now Shoo bitch, shoo.
• Thus begins the game of: Which head is the real one?
• Jack, your jacket isn’t the most comfortable fit.
• The term “backseat driver” will never mean the same again.
• The scenes with both live heads must be the most uncomfortable contraption for both actors.
• And the escapees pull “a-head” of the pack. If they end up winning…
• Two guys on the phone while 50+people eavesdrop.
• It’s clear that policemen find it impossible to avoid random ravines in an open field.
• Haven’t we seen those crashes before?
• It’s evident that more of the film’s budget was spent on destroying police vehicles than on any special effect work whatsoever.
• Oh come on, just give him a kiss. Don’t mind the extra head attached to his shoulders.
• Hey Doc, you might want to look at the size of the body your sharing before you do any racial stereotyping. Now shut up and eat your soul food.
• Rosie Grier should be given credit for his coordination and balance while his eyes are closed. Pretty impressive.
• Oh my, this soundtrack is absolutely terrible.
• Removal of a spare head seems to be simple outpatient surgery.

Quotable Quotes:

“Hey doc, is this going to hurt?”

“Cut down the dosage of Barbital to the black head.”

“You soul brother, you got a car?”

“I’ve committed political suicide and you say, “It’s not as bad as it sounds.”

“Jack, you get into more shit.”

“What’s a matter baby, don’t dig soul food?” – “What do you got for dessert, watermelon?”

“Phillip, get me another body, please.”

The Final Word:

Two heads aren’t always better than one, especially in this case. However, the interaction and constant bickering between the two heads is quite enjoyable to watch. Rosie Grier wasn’t the best actor, but you could tell that he was at least having fun with the role he was given despite having a grumpy old white guy strapped to his back at various times throughout the movie. He’s by far not great,  but has a bit of charm and although being a convicted felon on the run from the police, one almost considers him the hero that has had this horrible tragedy thrust upon him. Ray Milland plays the bigoted old doctor well and actually had some of the funnier lines in the film. The two actors play really well off of one another. The filmmakers carefully walk the line making the underlying theme of racism stand out without making it do so offensively. The special effects aren’t the greatest and are quite cheesy. Throughout the film, the “monster” switches from a person with an obviously fake head bobbing on it’s shoulder, to two men forced together by what must have been a very uncomfortable contraption. The transplant scene itself is quite laughable too. By far the best scene in the film however, is the police chase through the countryside while on a motorcycle. The dim-wittedness and stupidity of the police force reminded me of a whole squadron of Rosco P. Coltrane type of officers. Their driving skills left a little to be desired. The dinner scene with Moss and his girlfriend is quite humorous as well. While the plot is obviously contrived and doesn’t live up to it’s full potential, the actors themselves are enough to make up for it. While, this corniness is not for everyone, it is rather entertaining and is definitely worth at least one viewing. Based on the entertainment value alone, and despite the cheese factor, I am giving this film four out of five turds.

Introducing: Bikini Spring Break (2012)*

*WARNING – THIS POST IS DEFINITELY FOR MATURE READERS.

During my college years, my roommates and I looked forward to what we considered the most entertaining time of the year. No, it wasn’t the NCAA basketball tournament, although that was and still is a priority. It was the one time all year that we could just get a little wild and step away from our regular routines of school and work. When everyone had a beer in their hand and fun on their minds, when every guy who was a douchebag could get away with being a douchebag, when good looking girls would do naughty things that they would later have to apologize about, when a bunch of horned up young adults would do whatever they could for the sake of fun and the hopes of getting laid.  I’m talking of course about the week of Spring Break! Oh, those memories of trips to ski resorts and beach resorts with friends are some that I will never forget. Unfortunately, I had to grow up and now Spring Break is just another week in the year, and my girlfriend and I’s idea of a good time is going out to eat at a fancy restaurant and watching a movie on the couch before having to go back to work the next day. This year, the world of streaming video introduced us to the film “Bikini Spring Break” from The Asylum studio. Now if that alone doesn’t tell you, “BAD MOVIE ALERT!!”, than I don’t know what does.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Jared Cohn

Starring: Rachel Alig, Robert Carradine, Virginia Petrucci, Erica Drake

Rated: R

Tagline: Sweet small town girls, until…

Number of gratuitous breast shots: 32, but hey, who’s counting?

A junior college marching band gets invited to participate at Nationals in Florida, but only after accidentally exposing themselves on the big screen at their football game, which doesn’t make since knowing that football is played in the fall and Spring Break is in the spring. Anyway…on their way to Florida, the marching band bus breaks down and the five girls have to find a way to raise enough money to themselves to the competition. Of course, beings that it is Spring Break time, they are immersed coincidentally in an environment of strip clubs, jello wrestling, and wet t-shirt contests that make the opportunity for money making possible.

What you will see:

• Boobs! and only six seconds in.
• Give a stupid girl a video camera in a locker room full of women in various states of undress and you don’t expect something to happen?
• Short bus turning into a long bus, back into a short bus again.
• Dumb girl strikes again. Regular gas in a diesel tank, duh everyone knows that about buses. Don’t they?
• How convenient is it that the first place open to take a group of college girls is a strip club?
• Dance club montage! And more boobs!
• Robert Carradine is doing a mighty, mighty fine job of bad acting.
• Hmmmm…I wonder where those ladies are going to get $2000 only using their body parts and organs? Bet it’s not selling their kidneys.
• How different would the car washing scene be if they were washing the headlights?
• Cue the bad CG fire please.
• Bumblebee chick from car wash doubles as a Spring Break party goer.
• Anyone else hungry for green jello? Oh wait, it’s not for eating?
• Stiffler look-a-like and Joey Lawrence clone just happen to be the hosts of every party during Spring Break.
• I’m guessing it was a four-way tie for the wet t-shirt contest.
• Does Florida even have mountain areas?
• Anyone else hear a horrendously bad soundtrack playing in the background throughout the whole movie? It even drowned out the dialogue at times; not that that is a bad thing.
• Riding a bull topless apparently helps a feisty red-head stay on for a record time. But officer, she was riding so fast that her top just came flying off, it’s was the bull’s fault.
• The group must be stranded in a one cop town. He seems to be everywhere.
• CG rain storms are a perfectly good reason to freak out hysterically.
• Yeah for plastic trophies!!

Damn Bad Dialogue:

“Scholarships? You can get those here?”

“Ok, it’s too bad. Quief you later.”

“See that over there? This town is full of slutty sluttermans and their smutty slutfulness…”

“I am the Jello Queen, bitch!”

“I’m not baring my breasts to a bunch of perverts.”

“Craig is a pole-smoking butt pirate.”

“We’re not freaks, we’re the marching band.”

“My tits are all over the internet.”

The Final Word:

The Asylum is always best known for the no budget knockoffs of big budget movies, hoping to capitalize on some of those film’s popularity. While Bikini Spring Break isn’t a knockoff of a big budget  blockbuster but it was a throw back to the early 80’s and 90’s teen sex comedies. The film’s budget was clearly it’s biggest obstacle to overcome. Some bad editing didn’t do much to save the film either. In one particular scene, the band  has to travel to Florida via a “short bus”, but as they travel there are shots of a regular sized bus that not only changes in size, but also design and even color. The film also falls victim to a strange sense of distance. All the characters seemed to appear conveniently in places together even though they seemed to go in opposite directions. The film follows the five band members, the fact that they are band members means nothing really, but they are quick to lose their tops and playfully bounce up and down in a fit of giggles and squeals. Each of the girls has their own personality even if it involves the Spring Break banning prude; all of which were quite lovely in their own right. The acting isn’t too bad considering the dialogue that they were given. In fact, the most annoying characters were the Stiffler-type character and Robert Carradine’s character, Coach Gill. Bikini Spring Break didn’t have much to offer as a story and considering that it came from The Asylum, my expectations weren’t too high for this film. Maybe that’s why it didn’t really disappoint me to much, well, that and the fact that there wasn’t more than twenty minutes that passed before a pair of breasts came bouncing back onto the screen. Boobs aside, dare I say that this film was somewhat entertaining. So, in honor of the numerous pairs of breasts appearing in the film, I’m giving this film a pair of turds.

Introducing: Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver

We’ve survived Black Friday shopping sprees and Cyber Monday sessions at the computer and now it’s time for the holiday season. Christmas lights, mistletoe, presents, bad Christmas movies. And oh yes, there are some. When the weather gets cold and families want to bundle and cuddle in front of their televisions for a good movie, holiday movies are watched in mass. My gift to you is a weeding out of some of those really awful Christmas movies so that you can watch something better with your family.

My first red flag of a holiday movie is called Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver. You might be thinking, I’ve never heard of the first two movies and there is a terrible pun in the title, this movie must be cheesy and stupid. And you would be correct. While the theme of a Gingerbread Man is a Christmas icon, the movie itself has nothing to do with the holiday season. You might want to save your self the time and put the video on fast forward and take a look at the notes of all the important things to watch for we’ve provided.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: William Butler

Starring: Jackie Beat, Kimberly Pffefer, Justin Schwann, Zachary Haas

Tagline:

Rated: R

Bad CGI Gingerbread running shots: 5

A killer Gingerbread Man is released from a “maximum” security mental institute and time travels himself back to the year of 1976 where he wrecks havoc on a lowly Roller Boogie Skating Rink that is about to go out of business. For no apparent reason other than being evil and mean, the Gingerdead Man hacks, chops, and shots his way through the facility. With the help of two time traveling kids, a telekinetic nerd girl, and some infamous serial killers the goal is to save the Roller Derby and put the evil gingerbread cookie back into his cookie jar. – Trust me, it sounded stupid even typing it, but that’s the premise of the film.

What You Want to Watch for:

• Enjoyable title sequence
• The Scientific Research Institute for the Study of Homicidal Baked Goods? Is this where the Twinkie is going to end up?
• Hey where’s the cream filling…never mind.
• Candyland Island? Where do I sign up?
• You don’t show appreciation for someone by biting their nose off.
• Oh no! Not a another Roller Skate movie! I’ve already suffered through this once already – Roller Boogie!
• Ugliest looking Gingerbread Cookie ever.
• Roller Bake Sale – that ought to bring in a quick $84,000. Where are those other pastry characters when you need them?
• Erotic Car Wash
• Does time travel make gingerbread cookies fatter. The Gingerdead Man looks to have put on a few pounds when traveling through time.
• Telekinetic niece name Cherry – I smell a Carrie spoof
• Public Service Announcement: Hydrochloric Acid and sluts don’t mix too well
• Gingerbread boners break off easily – He should have watched Porky’s
• It all gets gross when the janitor gets involved.
• Just how many nails can one nail gun hold anyway?
• Can we have more out-of-place random quotes from the Gingerbread puppet please?
• Well now we know the truth behind what caused the attack on Pearl Harbor.
• How many skating rinks to you know that are equipped with not only a nail gun, but also a meat cleaver.
• Snorting Comet cleaner makes your eyes bulge out. Yet another public service announcement.
• One splitting headache coming up…man, I just came up with some better dialog for the Gingerdead Man.
• Gunshots to the head spray like water fountains.
• Electrical currents can surge through everything and everyone in a roller disco.
• Adolf Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer, Lizzie Borden, and Charles Manson add another dose of stupid. At least Bill and Ted grabbed someone important like So-crates on their Excellent Adventure.
• Oh no! Not my Gumdrop buttons!!!

Quotable Quotes:

“I know, maybe we can hold a Roller Derby Disco Bikini Car Wash in the parking lot tonight!”

“She’s Cherry, and I’d like her to stay that way.”

“Coming to cop a squat honey buns?”

“Do a little dance, make a little love, gimme a homicide tonight.”

“You’re one hot twat babe.”

“It’s a murderous confectionary treat.”

“…And her trusty sidekick, Pickles.”

Maybe without the lame attempts at movie spoofing this movie may have been somewhat tolerable. But then I also can’t ignore the cheesy and stupid dialogue (which consisted of hundreds of grunts, “ohs”, and “whoas” from the title character) and the very, very badly done CGI. Practically every kill was done through the use of CG and made as if a thirteen year old had used MovieMaker or iMovie to add special effects to their YouTube video. Gingerdead Man is yet another film that doesn’t take itself seriously at all and it actually hurts it. It may have been more enjoyable if the filmmakers would have tried to take a bit of it seriously and not put so much effort into trying to conform their story into a movie spoof. The one-liners from the main character started off a bit humorous, but then just became predictable and unnecessary. The most charming and enjoyable character throughout the whole film was a little boy with the name of Pickles. Everyone else just seemed really annoying.

There is not much for a soundtrack as various disco tunes played throughout (and it sounded like the same song over and over), however I will give kudos to the opening theme song and credit sequence. The song was more cleverly written than the film itself. Despite all of it’s flaws, I have unfortunately seen worse movies than this. I am giving this dreadful movie a very reluctant 2 turds out of 5, but only because I’m in a giving mood for the Christmas season.

Introducing: ThanksKilling (2009)

Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching and the time for stuffing oneself to the point of being immobile is upon us. It’s tradition in many homes to watch football after the Thanksgiving dinner, while some families like to hit the movie theaters to check out the new Hollywood holiday blockbusters. I say, forget all that, why not sit back and watch a movie in the luxury of your own living room? It’s comfortable, you don’t have to pay an arm and a leg for it, the 3D glasses won’t give you a headache, and you can get up to pee anytime without missing any of the movie. Thanksgiving themed movies are very few and far between, especially cheesy ones. I have however found one that might be what you need to take your mind off of the busy holiday and might be just what you need before attacking the crowds at the Black Friday sales! This by the way is NOT a family film!

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Jordan Downey

Starring: Chuck Lamb, Lance Predmore, Lindsey Anderson, General Bastard

Rated: Not Rated

Tagline: Gobble, Gobble, Motherf#cker

Number of F-Bombs from a turkey: 7

An ancient Indian shaman puts a curse on a turkey, named Turkie,  to get revenge on the pilgrims for taking their land. Years later, after being awoken by dog piss, the turkey emerges once again to kill poor anything in it’s path. Enter our characters, five college students on their way home for Thanksgiving break. Their vehicle stalls on the side of the road and the students have to camp out overnight where they are spotted by the turkey. The murderous fowl tracks the students, kills their families, and aims to kill each one of them one by one.

What you should look for:

• Boobs! Always a pretty good way to start a film. And pilgrim boobs at that.
• Pretty impressive title sequence
• Boobs again – not quite as impressive as the first set
• A jock, a slutty dumb girl, a fat sarcastic guy, a nerd, and a good girl – yep all stereotypes accounted for.
• Note to self, don’t piss on totem poles.
• Boobs! Well, some what.
• Turkey poop that looks like dog food?
• Apparently turkeys can carry rifles with them. What the hell am I pondering that, this turkey talks for god sakes.
• A sex scene that brings new meaning to the words “stuffing the turkey”.
• Extra small gravy flavored condoms. They make those right? They were right next to the pumpkin pie flavored ones.
• What’s dumber, a turkey with Groucho Marx glasses and nose or a grown man in a turkey outfit.
• If the face doesn’t fit, you must acquit.
• Be careful, eating imaginary food can be bad for your health.
• Turkeys live in tipis and make salads for dinner.
• Hey, why not watch a movie after you’ve just seen several family members die. Good way to take your mind off the cleanup.
• Radioactive turkey! Next time cook it in the oven, not the microwave.
• And that’s why you don’t french kiss a turkey.
• Hang in there Johnny, it’s just a slight flesh would.
• Everyone has a tower of sticks in their front yard right?
• When the turkey dinner runs away, it’s time to go home.

Oscar Worthy Dialogue:

“Pull your shirt down, it’s Thanksgiving; not Tits-giving.”

“I’m thankful that your mom has the juiciest poon in town.”

“Oh please Ally, your legs are harder to shut than the Jon Bonet Ramsey case.” Said twice just in case you didn’t get it the first time. And the characters laugh and react to it as if they never heard it.

“I’m gonna drink your blood like cranberry sauce.”

“My dad has a huge collection of books, I’m sure he has something on killer turkeys.”

“It’s not your fault, there are just somethings in life we can’t control. And unfortunately this isn’t like a football game that we can just call an audible at any time.”

“Don’t be silly, that kind of stuff only happens in movies.”

“Ahhhh…my feathers are melting!”

“Do I smell sequel?”

Okay, okay…I realize that the whole point of the movie was to be as cheesy as possible. And that they filmmakers’ intentions were not to take the film too seriously. It was meant to be a bad movie. I get that. Knowing that, made this film a lot more enjoyable to watch. The filmmakers were able to make this movie on a budget of $3500, which I must say was pretty damn impressive. I thought the title sequence was great! Now the acting left a little to be desired, but I’m sure that the acting was meant to be done badly as well. On the film’s official website the producers tell you to “take the movie with a grain of salt”. How can you not while watching this? With that said and knowing the tongue-in-cheek intentions of the film, I rather liked it. There were parts that made me laugh at the sheer absurdity of it all. Because this film doesn’t take itself too seriously and that it is the holiday season, I can only give this movie 1 turkey turds out of 5.

There are two sequels to this film as well. Neither of them are streaming online as of yet.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!!

Introducing: Troll (1985)

With Halloween coming just around the corner, I wanted to get my fill of monster movies in to prepare myself for all the upcoming tricks and treats. My first movie of the Halloween season was monster filled classic, Troll. Having already seen Troll 2 earlier this year, I was very curious as to how the “worst franchise in movie history” began. And how could I go wrong with this cast? Sonny Bono, Elaine from Seinfeld, Timmy’s mom from Lassie, Atreayu from NeverEnding Story, and some Carol Anne from Poltergeist look alike. So, I ventured forth and set aside 82 minutes to devote to the viewing of this Halloween must see. If you would rather spend your time having a seizure to the song “Summertime Blues” then I have left you with some quick notes over the film so that you don’t miss a thing.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: John Carter Beuchler

Starring: Noah Hathaway, Michael Moriarty, Shelley Hack, Sonny Bono, Julia Louise-Dreyfuss

Tagline: Apartment for Rent. Inquire Within…

Rated: PG-13

Number of Michael Moriarity dance scenes: 1

Torak, a troll fairy (I know kind of a weird combination huh?) sets out to recreate a fairy universe from centuries past in hopes that it will lead to his ruling of the human world. He accomplishes this by kidnapping adorable little Wendy Anne and shapeshifting into her body, and posing as her throughout their new apartment complex. Torak-turned-Wendy Anne finds her way into the apartments of the buildings tenants only to appear as the troll, and with the help of a magical green ring, turn the tenants into a fern garden that sprouts more little trolls. Harry Potter Jr. (yep, that’s right) suspects that his sister is not quite what she seems to be and after meeting with an old fairy princess from the floor above, Harry is determined to save his sister and foil Torak’s plans.

What you would be Missing:

• Uh oh, not good to start the film with a girl singing a lame song in a dubbed in voice. The director could have at least asked her to move her mouth.
• Hello there hairy troll in the basement
• Harry Potter? Oh great not another wizard movie.
• Hello there hairy troll on the next floor, oh oops…that’s Sonny Bono.
• Sonny Bono is changing in to Ron Jeremy who is changing in to a pickle, who changes into a forest, that spawns a troll doll, baby creature from Black Lagoon, and Don King. Yeah it looks as stupid as it sounds.
• Strange apartment complex first a troll, then a live mushroom that looks like a penis with eyes.
• Just when you think pink walls can’t get any uglier, the neighbor sports his rattlesnake wallpaper.
• Disturbing little Michael Moriarity dance number…Yikes!
• Anybody else feel uncomfortable about a little girl walking in to strange men’s apartments uninvited?
• Despite the stupidity of it all, the troll is pretty scary looking.
• And there goes another neighbor turned into forest of bad animatronic puppets.
• Hey no fair, I do believe Harry Jr. is watching a better movie than I am at the moment.
• First dancing from Moriarity and now a musical number from a bunch of trolls, a midget reciting The Faerie Queen, and a singing penis.
• To be truthful, all those trolls look like the Ghoulies, I almost thought that it was a sequel to this.
• Poor June Lockhart is a long way from Lassie.
• The knock at the door sounded pre-pubescent? Is she used to young boys knocking on her door? Cougar!
• Young boy wants to be trained as a wizard and his name just happens to be Harry Potter, I think that would make a good book.
• Oh okay, it’s a mushroom, not a penis.
• Animated sparkles and a half-naked Julie Louis-Dreyfuss(s), what more could a guy want?
• That was a mean Mr. Troll, as if Malcom wasn’t tiny enough, you’ve changed him into an even smaller troll. And he was supposed to be your friend.
• Ahhh…the back story of the troll and his bad intentions. Now it’s all coming together and starting to make sense…*cough*BULLCRAP*cough*.
• I always thought that June Lockhart’s acting resembled that of a tree stump and now we have proof.
• I’m thinking that Torak’s green ring has more cinematic appeal than the Green Lantern’s.
• Big bat troll on the loose and he looks pissed.
• TROUPE ALERT!! Bad guy saves the day by killing his own evil creation.
• And away the family goes off to their new town, Nilbog. (Yes that was a Troll 2 reference)

Dynamic Dialogue:

“I’d rather watch Star Trek. Phasers on dull.”

“Have you been playing with dead cats?”

“I’m in to swinging and children having pillow fights at all hours of  the night while I’m trying to score might cause me a few strikeouts.”

“You can forget the milk honey, he’s in to gin and tonics.”

“Can I come in, I think I’m going to throw up”

“Buzz off you little creeps.”

“Someone probably had their stereo on too loud. Probably one of those kids.” – Good rule of thumb, if in doubt, blame the kids!

Just to be clear, Troll 2, the notoriously so-bad-it’s-hilarious sequel has absolutely no connection to this movie at all. In fact the trolls are referred to as goblins. Nevertheless, this movie is pretty cheesy and the acting isn’t all that great, but there are some enjoyable parts. This would be the perfect scary movie for the 8-10 year old crowd. But if you are looking for some sort of blood and gore slash-fest or a scream flick for your All Hallows Eve get together, this one isn’t for you. I can’t quite give this the dreaded 4 or 5 turds, the mark of reel crap, and I can’t really say that it was all that good either. So, I’ll stick with somewhere in the middle on this one. The 1985 version of Troll gets 3 turds from me. On the good side, I have seen rumors that there is a remake coming on the horizon in the near future.

Screwballs (1983)

Anyone up for a perverted, teen sex comedy that has more sexual innuendos than every season of The Benny Hill Show? No? I watched it for you so that you wouldn’t have to suffer through 82 minutes of raunchy stupidity . I took one for the team, and holy cow, do you owe me.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Rafal Zielinski

Starring: Kent Deuters, Linda Speciale, Linda Shayne, Jim Coburn

Tagline: The Raunchiest ’80s Sex Comedy of Them All!

Five of the horniest high school students you will ever see, make the decision while in detention to see who can be the first to get their hands, eyes, and anything else on the most popular and prudish girl at school, Purity Bush. After each boy does his best to make an attempt at seeing Purity’s breast and being outsmarted or shot down, they then band together for one final attempt.

What you would be missing:

• Man, that’s one big weiner!
• All the stereotypes are here: Jocks, Nerds, Rich Kid (with a tennis racket and ascot), Fat Kid (always eating).
• Did high school kids really wear high heels to school in the 60’s?
• Boobs!
• DETENTION x 5!
• Are all these kids horny and always speak with so much innuendo? I guess since they are all in their mid to late twenties and still in high school that’s bound to happen.
• Ewww…creepy principal.
• Stop me if you’ve heard this one…Three girls in dunce caps walk into an office and…
• So, who in the world is this Muffy girl anyway? She’s made quite a name for herself in this school.
• Well, I know longer wish to win a giant teddy bear at a carnival anytime soon.
• I’m thinking that warm-up routine would be means for firing a coach nowadays.
• Oh my god this sucks.
• Jinkees my glasses, wish I could actually see those girls kicking my ass.
• There is something disturbing about a guy fighting another in his boxers.
• I think the teachers in this high school are by far creepier and dumber than the students.
• Oh god, a dance off in the bowling alley.
• Something about this reminds me of the old Benny Hill Show, but without the clever wit, comedic timing, and something the least bit funny.
• Note to self, keep clothes on in the bowling alley. Ok, this is gross.
• Miss Anna Tomical?
• Oh my god this sucks!
• Probably the most uninspiring homecoming pep rally I’ve ever seen.
• Well, there’s Muffy…you’ve been a bad girl.
• Apparently, the Statue of Liberty is a bit cold.
• Burger King and Coca~Cola were sponsors of this movie, do they know what it’s about?

Oscar Worthy Dialogue:

“Good morning girls, I’m Dr. uh….Dr. Pepper.”

“Thanks Melvin, I would have gone crazy if I didn’t get something in my mouth.”

“If that seat could talk, I’d be in a hell of a lot of trouble.”

“We must, we must, we must develop our bust…”

“You’re pulling on the wrong ball!”

“Gee girls, thanks. My first strike.”

This has got to be the stupidest movie I have ever seen in my life. There are only so many sexual references one can make before it starts to get annoying. I was at that point within about five minutes of the move. I blame the movie, Porky’s, for this god awful film. This raunchier knock off makes it look like an Academy Award deserving piece of art.

Not only does this movie deserve an unprecedented 5 out of 5 turd rating, but should receive turds to fill a flaming bag of poo on the front porch. It sucked.

Class of Nuke ‘Em High (1986)

You just got home and you are tired from a long day of work. You want to just sit back, relax, and watch a toxic spill horror flick that wrecks havoc on a high school building and the students inside it. Well, if you find one that is any good, please let me know, because the one that I had to sit and suffer through was itself a nuclear meltdown.

So that you don’t have to spend 85 minutes of your down time at the end of the day,  instead use it to draw on your face and place crochet hoops through your nose, I watched this film for you.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Richard W. Haines and Samuel Weil

Starring: Jamelle Brady, Gilbert Brenton, Robert Prichard

Tagline:  It rotted their bodies. It corrupted their minds. And thats’s the good news.

Tromaville is home to not only a nuclear power plant whose safety inspections have been non-existent, but a high school full of unruly and downright stupid juvenile delinquents right next door to it. When the power plant has an accident that goes ignored, some chemicals begin to seep, gurgle, and bubble their way onto the school grounds. When the school nerd drinks toxic water from the water fountain and then plunges to his death out of a window, do people start to notice that weird things are beginning to happen. Not only have the Honor Society students turned into a gang of body painting and piercing thugs with no conscience (known as the Cretins), but the student’s hormones have gone into supreme overdrive – or perhaps that’s just teenagers in general. The story centers around do-gooders Chrissy and Warren, a couple who wish to remain celibate so as not to pressure the other. Until…they are forced to take a hit from a joint made of radioactive marijuana bought from the Cretins. Then all hell breaks loose. In their “atomic high”, their inhibitions go out the door and have a lustful two minutes together and then have horrendous hallucinations that night. Chrissy ends up pregnant and coughs up a creature into the toilet which makes it’s way down the school’s septic system, conveniently into a vat of dripping ooze which helps it grow to full strength. When The Cretins stage a take over of the high school, it’s Warren’s job to save Chrissy who has been kidnapped by them for no apparent reason. It’s then the mutants job to do a little housekeeping of it’s own and disposes of the band of punks in various and gory ways.

What you would have seen:

• A Troma Team Release – that means it’s going to suck.
• Chemical waste. Why does everything start with chemical wastes?
• We’re part of the nuclear generation. Have a nice day!
• Tromaville High School – Probably the most diverse student body on planet Earth
• It’s going to be a long day when the nerd goes bat shit crazy. The stunt man was obviously more muscular than the nerd.
• Nuke ‘Em High theme song and Nightmare music by Biohazard
• Hoops in the nose, spike on the head, boobs on a boy, my the yuppies were much different than when I went to school.
• I’m guessing that one side effect of the nuclear plant is that no one ever graduates from high school. It’s student body looks to have an average age of about 26.
• Uranium lunchboxes for plant workers, how cute.
• Atomic high, that marijuana is definitely laced with something.
• Every fraternity house looks like a disco club on the inside right?
• Boobs!
• Pass around the radioactive joint – Somone’s getting lucky at this party
• Uh oh, looks like someone took too many of those little blue pills before going to bed. Call a doctor if that lasts longer than four hours.
• Nice minature model
• German teacher got just a bit wild with her eyeliner.
• Don’t make me angry, you won’t like me when I’m angry. That’ll teach you to try and punch a radioactive mutant.
• Note to self, don’t eat the worm from the tequila. I think she just barfed a tadpole with a face.
• Urine sample right to the eyes.
• Radioactive isotope samples in a high school chem lab?
• Who says women can’t pee standing up?
• Swirly!!
• Seriously, what is growing out of that guy’s face?
• Never a wise idea to stick your hand into a bubbling vat of green goo. But your whole head? Come on…
• Popeye’s Chicken, Blimpie Subs, 3M Office Supplies – gratuitous product placement
• I have never wanted a character to be gone so much in a movie as Mr. Ring in the Nose.
• For God’s sake, did every 80’s movie have a montage?
• That’s a face only a mother could love. A cross between the Predator and a porcupine. Somebody get that thing a Kleenex.
• Whoa pretty colors. Starting to think I’m the one who took the hit from the atomic joint.
• The chem teacher was right, those radioactive isotopes will blow up the whole school. – Nice stock footage of some random building falling down thrown in.

Academy Award Caliber Dialogue:

“I don’t give a wet fart what you think, this plant stays open!”

“Make like a hockey stick and get the puck outta here.”

“You ever seen a cockroach and go, ‘Yuck’? Well, you’re the kind of guy that can make the cockroach go ‘Yuck’.”

“My back teeth are floating, I gotta take a leak.”

The only redeeming quality that this movie had was the fact that the most annoying character was disposed of albeit not soon enough for me. I will say that the last half of the movie was better than the way too slow first half but that’s like saying, “After puking four times, the extreme case of diarrhea I had after wasn’t all that bad.” And it’s because of this that I give Class of Nuke ‘Em High 4 turds out of 5 however runny they may be.

National Lampoon Presents Robodoc (2008)

Anyone up for watching a hospital drama with some deep character development and intriging story arcs? Well then you should probably stay away from this hospital satire whose sex and fart jokes will make you wish that is was your eyes were thrown across the room by the hospital receptionist (yes that was in the movie).

Streaming on: Hulu+

Directed by: Stephen Maddocks

Cast: Alan Thicke, Michael Winslow, David Faustino, One of those damn Deluise brothers

Tagline: Accepting New Patients

In a the world of high cost health care, greedy lawyers are at the ready to jump on any malpractice suit. With his group of informants inside the hospital, attorney Jake Gorman makes a killing on cases of malpractice. In an effort to cut down on the number of malpractice lawsuits from it’s doctors, a hospital puts their money into the perfect doctor, a robotic model, MD-63, or Robodoc. Much to the chagrin of Gorman, Robodoc doesn’t make a mistake and has an updated knowledge database of everything in the world.

What you would be missing:

• A chance to name all the 80’s sitcoms this entire cast starred in.
• Ahh…the old baby pissing in the face gag
• Mime with a sore throat…nice one.
• Chinese, Japanese, Dirty Knees…Look at these! When was the last time I heard that… in 4th grade?
• Boobs!
• Someone got their inspiration from Data on Star Trek.
• Definitely more balls hit here than the Kansas City Royals did since the All-Star break.
• Fonda Johnsons? More plays on words please.
• If I have to see that Deluise guy make one more of those stupid faces, I think I’m going to throw my remote.
• Every hospital has a Cross-Eyed Children’s Clinic right?
• Radioactive pregnancy results, that can’t be good.
• While a nurse changes into her evening gown in the morgue, the corpses definitely bring new meaning to the word stiffs.
• Apparently Norton Anti-virus doesn’t work on robots either.
• Parker Lewis CAN lose and this script proves it.
• Every hospital has a Blind Children’s Clinic right?
• Way to end with a politician joke.

Award Winning Dialogue:

“This woman has acute appendicitis”. “Actually, I’ve seen her naked and she doesn’t look cute in anything.”

“We had to put her on a breastperator.”

“I may be a RAT, but you are a RAT BASTARD!”

“Save his NUTS, and bolts.”

Thank the lord I’m not in middle school anymore otherwise I would have found this movie just hilarious giving my buddies and I something to reference and quote for the next few weeks. But since I don’t have the sense of humor of 12 year old (although you wouldn’t know it given my current system for rating these movies), I give this film 4 turds out of 5.  I am only giving it that rating because embarrassing as it may be to admit, there were two spots that made me chuckle out loud.

Now that I’ve watched this medical nightmare, you won’t have to.