Introducing: ThanksKilling (2009)

Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching and the time for stuffing oneself to the point of being immobile is upon us. It’s tradition in many homes to watch football after the Thanksgiving dinner, while some families like to hit the movie theaters to check out the new Hollywood holiday blockbusters. I say, forget all that, why not sit back and watch a movie in the luxury of your own living room? It’s comfortable, you don’t have to pay an arm and a leg for it, the 3D glasses won’t give you a headache, and you can get up to pee anytime without missing any of the movie. Thanksgiving themed movies are very few and far between, especially cheesy ones. I have however found one that might be what you need to take your mind off of the busy holiday and might be just what you need before attacking the crowds at the Black Friday sales! This by the way is NOT a family film!

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Jordan Downey

Starring: Chuck Lamb, Lance Predmore, Lindsey Anderson, General Bastard

Rated: Not Rated

Tagline: Gobble, Gobble, Motherf#cker

Number of F-Bombs from a turkey: 7

An ancient Indian shaman puts a curse on a turkey, named Turkie,  to get revenge on the pilgrims for taking their land. Years later, after being awoken by dog piss, the turkey emerges once again to kill poor anything in it’s path. Enter our characters, five college students on their way home for Thanksgiving break. Their vehicle stalls on the side of the road and the students have to camp out overnight where they are spotted by the turkey. The murderous fowl tracks the students, kills their families, and aims to kill each one of them one by one.

What you should look for:

• Boobs! Always a pretty good way to start a film. And pilgrim boobs at that.
• Pretty impressive title sequence
• Boobs again – not quite as impressive as the first set
• A jock, a slutty dumb girl, a fat sarcastic guy, a nerd, and a good girl – yep all stereotypes accounted for.
• Note to self, don’t piss on totem poles.
• Boobs! Well, some what.
• Turkey poop that looks like dog food?
• Apparently turkeys can carry rifles with them. What the hell am I pondering that, this turkey talks for god sakes.
• A sex scene that brings new meaning to the words “stuffing the turkey”.
• Extra small gravy flavored condoms. They make those right? They were right next to the pumpkin pie flavored ones.
• What’s dumber, a turkey with Groucho Marx glasses and nose or a grown man in a turkey outfit.
• If the face doesn’t fit, you must acquit.
• Be careful, eating imaginary food can be bad for your health.
• Turkeys live in tipis and make salads for dinner.
• Hey, why not watch a movie after you’ve just seen several family members die. Good way to take your mind off the cleanup.
• Radioactive turkey! Next time cook it in the oven, not the microwave.
• And that’s why you don’t french kiss a turkey.
• Hang in there Johnny, it’s just a slight flesh would.
• Everyone has a tower of sticks in their front yard right?
• When the turkey dinner runs away, it’s time to go home.

Oscar Worthy Dialogue:

“Pull your shirt down, it’s Thanksgiving; not Tits-giving.”

“I’m thankful that your mom has the juiciest poon in town.”

“Oh please Ally, your legs are harder to shut than the Jon Bonet Ramsey case.” Said twice just in case you didn’t get it the first time. And the characters laugh and react to it as if they never heard it.

“I’m gonna drink your blood like cranberry sauce.”

“My dad has a huge collection of books, I’m sure he has something on killer turkeys.”

“It’s not your fault, there are just somethings in life we can’t control. And unfortunately this isn’t like a football game that we can just call an audible at any time.”

“Don’t be silly, that kind of stuff only happens in movies.”

“Ahhhh…my feathers are melting!”

“Do I smell sequel?”

Okay, okay…I realize that the whole point of the movie was to be as cheesy as possible. And that they filmmakers’ intentions were not to take the film too seriously. It was meant to be a bad movie. I get that. Knowing that, made this film a lot more enjoyable to watch. The filmmakers were able to make this movie on a budget of $3500, which I must say was pretty damn impressive. I thought the title sequence was great! Now the acting left a little to be desired, but I’m sure that the acting was meant to be done badly as well. On the film’s official website the producers tell you to “take the movie with a grain of salt”. How can you not while watching this? With that said and knowing the tongue-in-cheek intentions of the film, I rather liked it. There were parts that made me laugh at the sheer absurdity of it all. Because this film doesn’t take itself too seriously and that it is the holiday season, I can only give this movie 1 turkey turds out of 5.

There are two sequels to this film as well. Neither of them are streaming online as of yet.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!!

Introducing: MegaShark vs Crocosaurus (2010)

Giant and abnormally sized animals usually don’t make for a great movie premise. Think of all those movies we’ve seen over the years with giant ants, spiders, anacondas, etc. These types of movies are not blockbuster caliber, but usually make for a good chance to sit back and unwind and enjoy the hump day. What a great way to just let your mind go and be entertained. That’s when I had my curiosity peaked when the title Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus crept across my “Recommended” listings on Netflix. (An embarrassing fact about my  somewhat lack of taste in my Netflix viewing habits apparently.) As I cranked up this movie however, I was in for a night of cheesy acting and many a plot hole – just what a B-movie needs. I hadn’t counted on something like this however. Take my advice and watch through this film with the fast forward button pressed firmly.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Christopher Ray

Starring: Jaleel White, Gary Stretch, Robert Picardo

Tagline: Whoever wins…We lose!

Rated: R

Number of scenes reused: 4

In this sequel to the ever-so-popular, “Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, an over-sized, prehistoric crocodile emerges from a cave to gobble up people and look for a place to lay its eggs. Meanwhile, a large prehistoric shark, a Megalodon, is disturbed by some experimental sonar sounds that make it go bat shit crazy. While both creatures wreak havoc over their respective surroundings, a team of scientists and naval officers look for a way to destroy both animals. The crocodile is captured and is accidentally let loose during transport, which was conveniently where the Megalodon was roaming the seas. After the croc lays her eggs, the shark decides that a diet of naval sailors wasn’t fulfilling enough and makes its way to snack on the  newly laid crocodile eggs. This pisses the croc off and they battle each other out to sea while the scientists work out a plan to lure them into a specific area to blow them up using a nuclear submarine.

What you want to watch for:

• Warning!! This is a film made by The Asylum.
• Hey Master, what accent are you going for there, Australian? Red-neck? Australian Red-Neck?
• Giant crocodile that would make Ray Harryhausen proud
• Oh my god, it’s Steve Urkel!
• Wow, that’s a big ass shark.
• Remember that scene from Free Willy when Willy jumps over the embankment? Imagine that scene with a battleship and a shark.
• So is that considered jumping the shark?
• Nice wild boar backpack
• Don’t know which is worse, the acting or the CGI?
• Smart idea. Let’s jump in the water with both a giant shark and a giant crocodile.
• What? Kids on an isolated island out in the middle of the ocean? Okay I’m lost. Where did they wash up exactly?
• Umm…Flying shark? With a missile in it’s mouth.
• How does this crocodile keep changing size? Now it’s bigger than a science museum?
• Godzilla! Godzilla!
• Mmmmm…Shamu snack
• Shark eating a submarine like a dog fetching s stick.
• First Orlando, then Panama, California, and off to Hawaii. Just how fast are those creatures moving?
• One nuclear sub, down the hatch. Stay out of the way of that burp.
• Crocodile seems to be in two or three places at once
• I think my head is starting to spin.
• How convenient that there is an unmanned raft just sitting on the beach?
• Didn’t we just see that scene? And again? And again?
• Not sure what the hell just happened.  Something about a volcano, a nuclear sub and two large animals fighting. Long story short…one big explosion, all dead.
• The End, and god bless.

Dynamic Dialogue:

“Who wants an omlette that big?”

“Either dig deeper and tell me you love me, or undo the handcuffs and let me do it myself.”

“We don’t have a cage or tank big enough.”

“I suggest you bring your hydrosonic balls with you.”

“The shark has gone nuclear.”

“Listen here, you fake ass pirate!”

“Sir, the creatures are toast.”

Wow, that’s about all I can say after watching this movie. This movie is a total piece of poo. It was like watching 88 minutes of random events that lead and no timeline to speak of. You would think that all of these events would have happened in a matter of two days and covered nearly the whole globe. What a stupid, stupid movie. Did anyone do an ounce of research for this movie? What it be so much to possibly explain the existence of these two creatures? Where did they come from and why are they still alive? How is the Croc able to reproduce? Is this reptile all of a sudden asexual?

I realize that this was a low-budget straight to video and probably right on to the Syfy Network movie made by The Asylum, who are notorious for bad movies, but this one is ridiculous. The lame attempt at CGI was inexcusable throughout most of the movie. I’ve seen better special effects from YouTube videos made by middle and high school kids. And even though there was some familiar faces cast in the film, their acting was just terrible. The only redeeming quality that I could salvage out of this film would be the soundtrack. Not that it was great, but it actually tried to envoke a tone throughout the film. So, with the soundtrack as the only positive, the movie gets a 4.5 turds out of 5.

It is nice to see that someone tried to make sense of the mess that is the plot and timeline of Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus. This is a helpful infographic about the film from www.staubman.com .

Browse more infographics.

Introducing: Roller Boogie (1979)

It’s been a couple of long, busy weeks. So busy in fact that I haven’t had a chance to sit back and relax and watch a movie. Next up on my streaming queue was a nostalgic film categorized as a musical called, Roller Boogie. OH boy was I in for something interesting. Let me say first that while I was a wee little one during this time of roller skating and disco, I find it hard to believe that the roller skating fad was this big. Let alone have  104 minutes dedicated to the “sport”. So hang on, I’ve taken notes and highlighted all the important details so that you can watch it on fast forward mode. You’ll thank me for it, and you can use the extra time saved to choreograph a beautiful skating routine as a tribute to this film.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Mark Lester

Starring: Linda Blair, Jim Bray, Beverly Garland, James Van Patten

Rated: PG

Tagline: It’s Love on Wheels!      (And crap on film!)

Number of Choreographed Musical Skate Numbers: 7

Skating  extraordinaire and *chuckle* Olympic hopeful *chuckle*, Bobby James leads a group of friends up and down the Venice Beach boardwalk showing off their rollerskating skills. And then, there’s Terry, and she is the typical teenager who thinks her parents just don’t understand her and won’t pay attention to her. The only thing that she loves to do is skate. So she runs away to prove her point. Terry is a musical prodigy who has been accepted into a prestiges arts school. She meets up with Bobby, plays hard to get, and then whores herself out to him all in a couple of days. She “hires” Bobby to teach her how to dance on skates in hopes that they can enter a Roller Boogie contest hosted by their favorite skating rink. During their practice together, they overhear an evil scheme from a ruthless developer to close and burn down the rink to build a mall.

What you Would Miss:

• Opening “dance/skate” number – Hell on Wheels. Was California that culturally diverse in the 70’s?
• You should know better than to make out with your girl with your skates on.
• Now that’s an outfit that would make Rainbow Bright jealous!
• What happened to the rest of Phones’ shorts? One skate trick and he’s liable to fall out of his britches.
• Apparently no one is allowed on Venice Beach without a pair of skates.
• Hey those guys must have stolen my yellow shorts from middle school gym class.
• Did the skating rinks really look like the late 70’s? Since when did walking on your hands become a skating skill? Who knew the couple skate ended up as an orgy on wheels.
• Since when is roller skating an Olympic sport?
• Ahhh…cassette tapes, anyone remember those? And oh my god, did I just see a record!
• Linda Blair is a fast mover, and not just on her skates.
• Nice car phone.
• Perhaps she shouldn’t have had that big breakfast. Get her up there Bobby, you’ve been hitting the weights!
• So when did the Jackson 5 break up and start skating?
• Oh that Terry and her faulty wheel. Always something to smile and laugh about. Nevermind the thirty skater pileup she caused as a result.
• Heavies at a roller rink, and they mean business. Take the money and run, take the money!
• Plaid suit jacket and polka dotted button up shirt. Now that’s fashion!
• Ladies, if you’re wearing a white dress, you must jump into the pool. I think I just saw some granny panties.
• How nice to give Jammer a private one man show. One might wonder what Bobby wants out of the deal, but I think his bedazzled shirt says it all.
• Hey Bobby, Mork from Ork called and wants his pair of suspenders back.
• What? Can bad guys not see two kids with bright red helmets on their heads hanging onto their vehicle behind them? Perfect spot for some really bad dubbing.
• Nice to see the policeman from the Village People get some work.
• Hot Damn, let the Roller Boogie contest begin!
• The most interesting Picture in a Picture effect I’ve probably ever seen. Full screen action with hot dog shaped video inlays.
• Reminds me of Saturday Night Fever on wheels.
• Linda Blair’s outfit contest outfit looks like she dropped a bowl of spaghetti noodles in her lap.
• I have a felling that the judges panel might be more than a little bit biased.
• Cue bad acting for ending…and scene!

Quotable Quotes:

“Roller Skating? Seriously. Next thing you’ll have me surfing or some such horrendous thing.”

“Franklin! I swear, you have more hands than a poker game.”

“Keep the change, Bobby James.”

“I’ll be back when I get here.”

“I just wanted someone to hold me, was that too much to ask for?”

“I was being a real bitch and you were handy.”

“You just tip Mr. John, or whoever’s doing you, and come home.”

“How are you doing there, Twin Peaks. Are you ready for some mountain climbing?”

Ugh…cheesy, corny, stupid, and I could list more, but it would be like roller skating in circles. The acting was bad but the material that they were given to work with wasn’t much either. Thank god that gone are the days of really high and tight shorts and suspenders on shirtless guys. I really don’t mind if the girls continued to wear those outfits that their chests were about to burst out of, but oh that hair…Yikes. And oh this film. I wasn’t expecting much to begin with and it sure didn’t fail to live up to those standards. The plot was very much contrived and left a lot to be desired. In fact, didn’t we see a similar storyline years later without the skates called, Breakin’ 2: American Bugaloo? And yes, it was equally as awful. Despite the spinning, triple lutzing, break dancing, hand jiving, and pornographic poses on skates, this movie drops and rolls over 4 turds on the skating rink floor. Probably had a niche back in the day, but obviously does not hold up well.