Introducing: DragonQuest (2009)

Nothing says “horrible movie” than a direct to DVD fantasy adventure. And The Asylum production company is never one to let us down. The latest film I watched was a hero’s quest to save the kingdom. And believe me when I tell you that the quest was a total waste of time for both film watchers and apparently script writers.  You will go on a difficult quest yourself by trying to  make it through this movie in one sitting without getting up to do something else or restart because you fell asleep, which trust me, is more difficult of a quest than that of the film’s hero. So to help you make it through the movie, I’ve provided you with some of the most important parts of the film.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Mark Atkins

Starring: Marc Singer (the f’n Beastmaster!), Daniel Bonjour, Jason Connery, Brian Thompson, Jennifer Dorogi

Rated: PG-13

Tagline: Our fate lies in the hands of one.

Rotten Tomato Score: 11%

Number of color changes to Arkadi’s shirt: 4

Plot: A young boy (mildly) is forced to be a hero and complete a series of quests to find the precious stones of virtue and piece together a medallion that will help him defeat a dragon conjured up by an evil ancient warlord.

Important things you won’t want to miss:

• Impressive sweeping landscapes to open the movie
• Squeezing the blood out of a necklace summons shadow dragons. Wait what?
• Meanwhile at Hansel and Gretel’s cabin…
• Typical teenager, smoking magic dust and perving on the neighbor girl.
• Fire Dragons tend to be the most intimidating, except to teenagers.
• CGI castle is home to many angry actors
• Epic battle 300 style, with animated blood spatter and severed head. THIS IS SPARTA…no, it’s not, it’s crap.
• Talking dragons makes old people commit suicide.
• Don’t mess with scantily clad women wielding sticks and powerful legs.
• In my day, Maxim was the name of a men’s magazine not a Beastmaster trying to talk like a pirate. Arrrrrr.
• Marc Singer (Maxim) has quite the rubber face. Somebody give that guy some prunes, it seems as though he needs to take a poop.
• Eight foot river monster lives in a creek that looks to be only 5 feet across. That’s one deep ass creek bed.
• Safety Tips for Kids #1: You must control the urge to smoke a tin foil star covered blunt while in the belly of a beast.
• The Keeper must be brave to put a jewel from the green sparkly belly of a river monster in their mouth. Gross.
• I don’t suppose anyone could get that vendor a pair of finger nail clippers?  How does she wipe for God-sake?
• Oh lovely, nothing like a chain breaking and sleeping bearded guy montage to make the movie drag on even more.
• And the point of the large exoskeleton spider was what? Other than a reason to use some bad CGI effects? And wow, that has to be the most brightly lit cave I’ve ever seen.
• Well, that’s one gem that I wouldn’t have gotten. It’s in the tub for me!
• Seems like the jewels of the medallion are just laying all over the place and everyone has one.
• Safety Tips for Kids #2: Never follow a Vulcan-like man into a tent by yourself. Nothing good will come of it.
• Note the ease that Maxim the Knight takes out the most worthless group of minions ever.
• Arkadi, I’d be frustrated to, I mean you’ve worked so hard to find the gem stones, considering most of them were just given to you.
• Not only do Kirill’s minions attack one at a time, but they also use plastic swords to do it.
• Light/Ice Dragon is like a fully grown Pokeman creature.
• Five minutes of non-climatic plasma beam fight between hero and villain ends in forced facial expressions.

Dialogue:

“What’s in your pouch boy?” (That’s probably not something you should be asking a young boy.)

“He became blind to the greatest virtue of all, humility.”

“I didn’t ask for this. I don’t want it.”

“The bed’s not soft, but the latrine is convenient.” (So just shit anywhere you want, the writers seemed to.)

“The virtues in the stones, will match the virtues in the man. The power lies in you.”

THE FINAL WORD:

DragonQuest is not a good movie. There, I didn’t beat around the bush. Despite the awesome and gorgeous landscape shots that were seen throughout the film, they were not enough to save this movie from itself. The plot features one of the lamest quests ever seen in film. The hero had to do absolutely nothing to get the gems with the exception of one. It seems as though everyone has a gem to give out thus not making the hero go through hardly any danger to receive the gems to complete his quest. And come to find out, that he doesn’t even find the all the gems. The fight scenes were lacking of any type of creative choreography to consider this an action movie. The fights consisted of the same pattern every time and goes as follows: Villain swings, hero ducks, hero grabs villain’s arm and swings their weapon for the “kill”. While the acting is not great, it is rather serviceable considering the story. If this film starred Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp, it still would not have been enough to make this movie any less painful to watch. 4 fiery dragon turds for this one.

Introducing: Super Capers (2009)

It’s not very often that I get really excited about seeing a movie in the theater – The Dark Knight Rising was high on my MUST SEE movies at the theater. This weekend, another just as anticipated movie is set to hit cinemas – Man of Steel. And boy am I excited. I was threatened by my girlfriend not to go see it without her, so in the meantime, I need something to get my Superhero fix. I turned to my old faithful Netflix subscription service to provide what I was looking for. Now, I could have easily chosen some of the proven winners such as Thor, Captain America, or Iron Man 2, but that would be too good just in case my anticipation of the new Superman film didn’t live up to my expectations. No, I decided to look for something that was bad so that I would not be underwhelmed by Zack Snyder’s latest film. And low and behold, I found a potential turd in the movie Super Capers.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Ray Griggs

Starring: Justin Whalin, Michael Rooker, Clint Howard, “Tiny” Lister, Adam West

Rated: PG

Tagline: Fighting evil has never been funnier!

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 0% – Ouch!

Number of  bad movie references to Great movies: 10 (And possibly more that I missed when I dosed off.)

Plot: Ed Grubberman wants desperately to become a superhero. So much so that he dons his own handmade cape and tries to fight crime out on the streets. As a result of being sued by one of the criminals he fights against, he is assigned by the local judge, to join a team of caped misfits who live in a halfway house for Superheroes. Ed gets himself in the middle of a criminal plot by the judge, who is a former superhero himself, and is framed for the theft of several gold buillion (bars). Through the powers of time travel and apparently stupidity, the team foils the plans of the criminal mastermind and uncover his secret plot.

If it sounds stupid, trust me, it is.

Important things to take away from this movie:

• Superhero movies just aren’t the same without that distinct flipping red Marvel rectangle or the folding DC logo.
• First indication that I’ve stumbled upon a bad move – Clint Howard.
• Corny cartoon sound effects are going to make for a long movie.
• Comic panel opening credit sequence that thinKs it’s extremely funny.
• Being Merle has made Michael Rooker so much cooler!
• Who knew this movie was going to be half live-action and half MAD magazine?
• Good to see Adam West still getting some use out of the old Batmobile.
• Where can I get me a Schwarzenagger robot?
• Inflatable chairs beware with Puffer Boy around.
• Cool looking Minotaur outfit.
• A homophobic joke and a Christian joke both within a minute of each other.
• Superheroes need to be careful when doing their own laundry so that their tights don’t shrink.
• Wow, that was probably the worst Shatner impression I think I’ve ever seen.
• Mannequins make pretty good speed bumps and they make squishing sounds.
• Robot pick up lines sometimes go unanswered.
• New white suit turns Grubberman into a pussy…cat.
• FBI or Men in Black? YEAH!!
• Dark Winged Vesper looks like a cross between Adam West’s Batman and Dracula.
• Will Powers plays Wack-A-Mole with Red. Don’t call him old.
• Why does a Superhero spoof keep referring to a science fiction movie?
• It looks like Michael Rooker is about to walk off the set at the stupid “Return of the Jedi” scene. – “This is ridiculous!” Hell I’d leave too.
• If you hit pause you might actually be able to tell that Arnie robot has a face.
• Cue god awful Back to the Future sound alike music. Alan Silvestri must be throwing up.
• Morbidly bad Marlon Brando impersonation
• Don’t we all need an “In case You’re Screwed” button?
• OMG! The Greatest American Hero theme! Easily the best way to end a terrible movie.
• What the Hell? Need a good Chili Pie recipe? Watch the credits.

Super Sayings and Dynamic Dialogue:

“I’m going to send you to a Superhero halfway house.”

“I was Manbat, would you like an autograph?”

“How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should be open when she brings it.”

“SuperCapers, let’s rock!”

“I’m making a sound effect. No superhero can use his powers without a good sound effect in the background.”

“Do you always talk to yourself?” – “Ah crap, that was supposed to me my inside voice.”

“Great horny toads, it needs some adjusting.”

THE FINAL WORD:

Now, there are several movies that I loved growing up as a child and even those that I would say have had a big impact on my movie watching experiences and my in some way my childhood growing up. CRASH! I however do not feel the need to make a crappy movie  and shove in corny and out of place references to these films to show my appreciation for them. That’s what this film has done. With references to respectable movies such as Star Wars, Back to the Future, James Bond, Star Trek, and others, SuperCapers ends up a jumbled and very unfunny superhero spoof that looks more like director Ray Griggs is making fun of the movies that influenced him rather than paying homage to them. Z ING! Why is it, the movies that are purposely trying to be funny end up being some of the dumbest? The actors try to make the dialogue sound funny and do a pretty good job with what they have been forced to work with. WHACK! And what spoof wouldn’t be complete without the occasional cameo from former Hollywood stars (Adam West, Clint Howard, June Lockhart) I use the term “stars” loosely of course. ZAP! Griggs even gives himself a role in the film.  HONK!  He should stick to directing, at least the direction of the film was done too terribly bad. But, I plead to all filmmakers out there who are wanting to make a film that is family friendly and supposedly funny. Please, please, please, for all that is good in the world, stop adding the cartoon sound effects to every little action. BOING! SPROING! THUD!!  In describing this film, I’ll use one of the favorite sayings of hero Ed Grubberman, “Crap”. I’m giving this superhero spoof 3.5 out of 5 turds.  SPLAT!

UPDATE!!!

“Man of Steel” kicks ass by the way.

Introducing: At the Earth’s Core (1976)

Long week, crappy weather, and not enough time to relax. Why not watch something that looks cheesy. Looks like At the Earth’s Core may just do the trick…or not.

Directed by: Kevin Connor

Starring: Peter Cushing, Doug McClure, Caroline Munro, Bobby Parr

Rated: PG

Tagline: They’re in it DEEP now!

Rotten Tomatoes: 33%

A wealthy young engineer puts his support into Dr. Perry’s newest invention, a drill that will drill through very thick layers of rock. While on it’s inaugurral run through the Earth, the drill called Iron Mole, breaks down about halfway through the diameter of the Earth. The two  decide to leave their drill and go exploring. While out of their vehicle. they are greeted with a whole different world located underneath the surface of the Earth complete with lush plant life, strange prehistoric creatures, and some grunting natives the have a propensity for dragging slaves all over. The two are captured and taken into the caves where they learn the secret of the underground world and the purpose for the slavery.

Things you won’t want to miss:

• Don’t be fooled, this is no Tarzan.
• Hey Doc, I’m not so sure your Iron Mole is going to be able to just do a 180 and go back. It’s a drill for god sakes.
• This movie doesn’t waste any time getting to the middle of the Earth.
• What an extraordinary sky, it looks so much like a sound stage.
• There are even hot chicks at the Earth’s core.
• Can you spot the black man with the blond afro? Seems a bit out of place, even in the middle of the Earth.
• Yummy, large wild boar looking monsters feeding on puppets looks like an outtake from Team America. Be careful they’ll bite your ass.
• Let the battle of the boars begin!! A horn to the junk will always get you a win.
• Can anyone speak “out of tune radio frequency” so we can understand the Sagoths?
• Let’s all be mesmerized by the giant shell-less tortoises with wings.
• Warning: Tripping down stairs will get you a spanking with a wooden Q-Tip!
• Since when would a Doctor know how to read a strange underground language. And why is he allowed to keep his umbrella? And a pocketknife too?
• Don’t make the pig people mad or they’ll smack the ground with their horse tail whips.
• Intense fight scene looks more like a rough foreplay scene between two lovers.
• Feed me Seymour!!
• Time to kiss and make up. “I am called David.” – “My name is Ra, and I speak perfect English. What other language do you think is spoken underground?”
• If the girls don’t get caught by the reptile birds, then the wires surely will.
• I fell in to a burning ring of fire.
• Ole! Ole! Dodge the charging Hippocroc. Come on David, you’re the one with the freakin’ trident. Use the damn thing.
• Ra must have been watching how Leia killed Jabba
• Looking for volunteers brave enough to run through the fire curtain. Ahhh…I see we have at least one taker.
• Sagoths have got to be the wimpiest and dumbest drone troopers I’ve ever seen.
• Mahars originate from one big ass hard boiled egg.
• Fire breathing frogs explode on impact.
• Dr. Perry’s bow making skills could make him a dangerous contender in this year’s Hunger Games.
• David’s tips on how to man-handle a woman. #1: Be Masterful!
• Where did all these plastic plants come from?
• Jubel isn’t so ugly, but smoking mushrooms are a weakness of his.
• Sargoths are mind controlled to run like a troupe of cheerleaders.
• Ra can kick some ass with a knife in his back…oh wait, it’s disappeared.
• The Pulp Fiction Samuel L. Jackson sure shoots a mean arrow.
• Fourth of July comes early inside the caves.
• It’s a wig party!!
• Best outfit Dia has worn all movie. She’s about to fall out of that top.
• Where did the “launch” rigging come from? Did they build it from all the plastic plants in this underground land?
• I don’t know about you, but I think  a drilling machine coming up from the Earth might be a breach of White House security. And the gardeners thought the mole’s were the only problem on the White House lawn.

Dorky Dialogue:

“Well if we’re not on Earth doc then where the hell are we? – From my observations dear friend I can positively state that we are under it.”

“Took me longer to graduate from geological engineering , than any other man in life.”

“Oh they’re so excitable, like all foreigners.”

“David, have you ever thought about going to the moon?”

“You can not mesmerize me, I’m British!”

THE FINAL WORD:

Oh boy, where do I begin? First off, this ambitious film is greatly hampered by it’s apparent lack of budget. The whole movie was obviously shot on a sound stage, with a strange purple hue with painted mountains and rocks in the background. Throughout the movie there were creatures thrown in simply for the effect of having monsters and thus giving way to the various creatures in this underground world. The creatures themselves were nothing more than people in suits ala Godzilla. Probably the most humorous effect of the whole film was a scene in which one of the creatures grabs and sinks his teeth into one of the slaves. This alone, is reason enough to watch the film. The dinosaur’s, including Peter Cushing’s, movements were pretty stiff and non-threatening. The special effects were nothing spectacular and consisted of a projection in the background with action in the foreground and fireworks as explosives. The sets were a wasteland of plaster and plastic plants, with some pools of fire thrown in for extra added effect. The film’s actor’s all showed off their chops at over-acting all the way down to the frequency grunting pig-people. Man, could they brandish a mean whip. The film’s hero, David, is a bit on the wimpy side. The cheesiness of Ra, and the curves of Munro do add to the appeal for sure. The dialogue is a bit tongue-in-cheek while trying to explain some aspects of the film’s plot, but amazingly doesn’t attempt to explain some of the story’s obvious flaws. I would be amiss if I said that this movie didn’t at least deserve a watching. With that I am giving this one 3.5 turds because I’m sure everyone will want to see tribe of underground slave people in bad wigs dance away in celebration.

Introducing: The Norseman (1978)

This past week, I’ve been seeing different previews and advertisements online for a new upcoming series on The History Channel simply called Vikings. While it looks to me like their attempt to capitalize on the Game of Thrones fame, I looks intriguing to me. Since I don’t have cable, I’ll have to get a feel for Vikings by looking through my streaming resources. Low and behold, as if it were a sign from the movie gods, when I loaded up Netflix, nestled in the Just Added section was a movie called The Norseman. And when I saw that it starred Lee Majors, I knew I was on to something truly cheese-tastic.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Charles B. Pierce

Starring: Lee Majors, Cornel Wilde, Mel Ferrer, Susie Coelho

Rated: PG

Tagline: None

In 1006, a Viking prince sails to America to rescue his father who is being held captive by some vicious native Americans. At the turn of the 11th Century, Lee Majors is  Thorvald, a Viking from the land of the Norse, accompanied by his younger brother, a hunchbacked wizard, and a peanut gallery full of horn-helmeted vikings. Upon reaching the main land the group is attacked by Indians and their troubles begin. A young Indian girl befriends Thorvald and leads them to the location of their lost Viking family members who are suffering from bouts of torture and abuse at the hands of the Indians. This ignites yet another and final Viking vs Indian fight scene.

Notices and Wonders:

• Summary of scrolling text at the beginning, the Vikings are coming to the Americas.
• Row! Row! Row!
• Hey, could somebody please turn down the orchestra? We can’t hear the narration.
• Not very often the narrator gets created in a film.
• One little, two little, three little indians. Their arrows strike hard and true, but they apparently aim for the ass.
• Thorvald (Lee Majors) must look the farthest thing from a Viking, what with his Kentucky accent, porno stache, Zorro mask, and Roman Gladiator armor.
• Bad wigs all around for the blind guys.
• Big round pillows are awfully hard to grind corn with.
• In between Gandalf and Dumbledore, there was King Eurich.
• Indian and Viking love triangles never end well.
• Slow motion fighting isn’t good with cheaply made props. Shields shouldn’t bend like cardboard. And that is some bright red paint at the end of those swords.
• Hey buddy, if you’re going to throw your axe, don’t come up short.
• The inside of that boat seems to be at least double the size of the outside.
• The old Indian woman bears a striking resemblance to Mama Fratelli from Goonies.
• Be careful with that hot poker, you might actually burn someone. Especially if you actually touched them with it.
• Blind Vikings walk like zombies and are strong enough to kill two fat Indians.
• Viking armor must be made of aluminum cans if a single arrow can penetrate it.
• Two more fat Indians down. What had these guys been eating? They’ve got Viking grog bellies.
• Can you spot the hairy chested Indians?
• Dragging blind men along on a pike shouldn’t slow you down, their asses need to keep up.
• Epic Thorvald the Viking Baywatch moment!!
• More slo-mo indian killing.
• Wizards’s falcon for the win
• Thanks city of Newburn, North Carolina for furnishing the Viking boat. Funny.

Quotable Quotes:

“Spin your spell wizard.”

“It written that this new land, will be called Vineland.”

“As Odin has been my strength, you will be my eyes.”

“Let it be written that the name Olaf shall live on in the land of the Norse.”

The Final Word:

Let it be written that the movie, The Norseman, is…cheesy. The film classified as an action/adventure flick, but even that would be a stretch. The fight scenes themselves were quite humorous and looked like a fight that one would see during a play being performed at any local high school. Every punch, kick, stabbing, clubbing, and knife swing, noticeably missed their mark and this was highlighted by the slow-motion battle scenes. The characters fall victims to unfortunate stereotypes; the Vikings were stupid and looked as much with their horned helmets and silly six pack formed armor; the Indians with their brightly colored face paint and the constant whooping and hollering all through out their attacks. Stereotypes aside, the dialogue spoken by anyone was more barbaric than the Vikings themselves. I was humored by the appearance of football star Deacon Jones as the only black Viking – was there even such a thing in history? Probably the worst of all the acting came from the star itself, Lee Majors. He seemed as though he was half asleep and bored throughout the whole film. I’m guessing that many people may actually like this flick and I am sounding a little harsher than I should be because as bad as it seemed, the film was slightly entertaining. I give this movie 3 turds out of 5. While it was somewhat enjoyable, The Norseman would have been more fun to watch with a larger group of people.

Introducing: Solarbabies (1986)

Snow! And lots of it. That’s what I have been facing the past couple of days in my neck of the woods. Snow! About two feet of it to be exact. So what better way to spend a couple of snow days then to curl up on the couch and watch some really cheesy movies courtesy of my online streaming subscriptions. That’s exactly what I did. I was in the mood for something nostalgic, something that I remembered from when I was a kid. So, when I saw the movie Solarbabies pop up as a recommended watch in my Netflix queue, I was quite excited. I don’t remember watching it back when I was younger, but I definitely remember the movie poster for it. I was hoping that as I began watching the film, the movie poster wasn’t going to be the only memorable part of the flick.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Alan Johnson

Starring: Jason Patric, Jami Gertz, Lukas Haas

Tagline: Who Will Rule the Future?

Rated: PG-13

Number of pointless roller skating scenes: 5

In a post=apocalyptic where water is scarce and is being heavily rationed by a militant government, the story centers on a group of young orphans who are searching for their freedom. From what I can gather, the kids were taken from their parents and placed in orphan schools while their parents were put to work and so that the kids could be trained to become workers themselves. During a forbidden game of Skateball, the team of heroes, called the Solarbabies, are challenged by a rival team, the Scorpions. Upon getting caught playing in the middle of the night, the youngest member of the team, their mascot Daniel hides in a mine shaft and discovers a glowing orb with magical powers that cures his apparent deafness. After learning of the orb’s powers, it is stolen and Daniel sets out to find it which in turn sends the Solarbabies out to find their mascot boy. The orb falls into the hands of the evil dictator who, for some unexplained reason, wants the orb destroyed. Yeah, I know doesn’t make much sense, but hey, so goes the film.

Things you won’t want to miss:

• Title sequence with 80’s MIDI music, and not that great of music either.
• Where exactly would one get a pair of rollerskates with headlights attached to them?
• The combination of lacrosse, hockey, and rollerderby could make for an interesting sport.
• Jami Gertz was a hottie even back in the day. Still looks really good after all these years. Better think twice however if you plan on putting the moves on her when she has a digging tool in her hand.
• In post-apocolyptic orphanages, everybody runs everwhere.
• Skate night at the orphanage!
• Reading Rainbow animated ball makes everyone happier.
• Wait a minute…did I miss something about the mascot finding out his ball was gone? Did I doze off? How did he know it was missing? And how did she know that the boy went after it?
• If one wanted to make an escape, I can’t imagine doing it in broad daylight would be the wisest of options.
• Skating montage to a real crappy 80’s tune.
• That poor boy’s shirt can’t decide if it want’s to stay on his shoulders or not.
• Did you know that whipping a person while wearing roller skates can easily get them over a 50 foot jump,
• Blondie seems to be the only person in the whole movie who didn’t know about the sphere.
• Oh my god, first the skates and now the dogs have headlamps on them.
• Tire Town – Solarbabies version of Mos Eisley.
• Escaping a burning  town by rolling away in giant tires makes for a pretty dizzying experience.
• Solarbabies, meet Jesus Christ.
• Do we really know why the baddies are wanting to destroy the ball anyway?
• Pole vaulting over an electric fence is powerful enough to knock your skates off while jumping. Thank god they are able to return by the time the landing happens.
• Dogs like to eat blue Stormtroopers.
• Robot can not only sense weak spots, but apparently potential pedophiles as well. That guy was going to touch the kid’s ball.
• Water, water everywhere! And poof…the ball is gone without any explanation. Well, might as well stay consist with the rest of the movie, I guess.

Dreadful Dialogue::

“You fixed my ears, thank you.”

“That guy is a total lunar.”

“I believe this man has soiled himself, wash him.”

“I can’t believe I’m standing here taking to a ball…no offense.”

Final Word:

Overall, not a too terribly bad movie, but highly disappointing. The loose plot and bad editing lost me at times, but for the most part the movie held my interest. Or maybe it was just my interest in Jami Gertz held my attention. The movie did sport quite a good cast, and although the actors didn’t give stellar performances, they were good enough given the material they had to work with. There were many plot points that could have been interesting if they were given the time and developed a little more, such as the whole point of the orb the little boy finds. Instead we get several minutes of needless rollerskating to bad 80’s synthesizer music. The special effects I’m guessing were well done for the time it was made, but they do not hold up well by today’s films. The sets were okay, but Tire Town in particular was really well done in a Beyond Thunderdome/Waterworld kind of way. I tend to enjoy post-apocalyptic movies, but this one just left me wanting a little more. So, I am giving this film only 2 turds in a bag, because it definitely had some things going for it, but definitely wasn’t anywhere near some of the bad movies that I’ve seen so far.

Introducing: MegaShark vs Crocosaurus (2010)

Giant and abnormally sized animals usually don’t make for a great movie premise. Think of all those movies we’ve seen over the years with giant ants, spiders, anacondas, etc. These types of movies are not blockbuster caliber, but usually make for a good chance to sit back and unwind and enjoy the hump day. What a great way to just let your mind go and be entertained. That’s when I had my curiosity peaked when the title Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus crept across my “Recommended” listings on Netflix. (An embarrassing fact about my  somewhat lack of taste in my Netflix viewing habits apparently.) As I cranked up this movie however, I was in for a night of cheesy acting and many a plot hole – just what a B-movie needs. I hadn’t counted on something like this however. Take my advice and watch through this film with the fast forward button pressed firmly.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: Christopher Ray

Starring: Jaleel White, Gary Stretch, Robert Picardo

Tagline: Whoever wins…We lose!

Rated: R

Number of scenes reused: 4

In this sequel to the ever-so-popular, “Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, an over-sized, prehistoric crocodile emerges from a cave to gobble up people and look for a place to lay its eggs. Meanwhile, a large prehistoric shark, a Megalodon, is disturbed by some experimental sonar sounds that make it go bat shit crazy. While both creatures wreak havoc over their respective surroundings, a team of scientists and naval officers look for a way to destroy both animals. The crocodile is captured and is accidentally let loose during transport, which was conveniently where the Megalodon was roaming the seas. After the croc lays her eggs, the shark decides that a diet of naval sailors wasn’t fulfilling enough and makes its way to snack on the  newly laid crocodile eggs. This pisses the croc off and they battle each other out to sea while the scientists work out a plan to lure them into a specific area to blow them up using a nuclear submarine.

What you want to watch for:

• Warning!! This is a film made by The Asylum.
• Hey Master, what accent are you going for there, Australian? Red-neck? Australian Red-Neck?
• Giant crocodile that would make Ray Harryhausen proud
• Oh my god, it’s Steve Urkel!
• Wow, that’s a big ass shark.
• Remember that scene from Free Willy when Willy jumps over the embankment? Imagine that scene with a battleship and a shark.
• So is that considered jumping the shark?
• Nice wild boar backpack
• Don’t know which is worse, the acting or the CGI?
• Smart idea. Let’s jump in the water with both a giant shark and a giant crocodile.
• What? Kids on an isolated island out in the middle of the ocean? Okay I’m lost. Where did they wash up exactly?
• Umm…Flying shark? With a missile in it’s mouth.
• How does this crocodile keep changing size? Now it’s bigger than a science museum?
• Godzilla! Godzilla!
• Mmmmm…Shamu snack
• Shark eating a submarine like a dog fetching s stick.
• First Orlando, then Panama, California, and off to Hawaii. Just how fast are those creatures moving?
• One nuclear sub, down the hatch. Stay out of the way of that burp.
• Crocodile seems to be in two or three places at once
• I think my head is starting to spin.
• How convenient that there is an unmanned raft just sitting on the beach?
• Didn’t we just see that scene? And again? And again?
• Not sure what the hell just happened.  Something about a volcano, a nuclear sub and two large animals fighting. Long story short…one big explosion, all dead.
• The End, and god bless.

Dynamic Dialogue:

“Who wants an omlette that big?”

“Either dig deeper and tell me you love me, or undo the handcuffs and let me do it myself.”

“We don’t have a cage or tank big enough.”

“I suggest you bring your hydrosonic balls with you.”

“The shark has gone nuclear.”

“Listen here, you fake ass pirate!”

“Sir, the creatures are toast.”

Wow, that’s about all I can say after watching this movie. This movie is a total piece of poo. It was like watching 88 minutes of random events that lead and no timeline to speak of. You would think that all of these events would have happened in a matter of two days and covered nearly the whole globe. What a stupid, stupid movie. Did anyone do an ounce of research for this movie? What it be so much to possibly explain the existence of these two creatures? Where did they come from and why are they still alive? How is the Croc able to reproduce? Is this reptile all of a sudden asexual?

I realize that this was a low-budget straight to video and probably right on to the Syfy Network movie made by The Asylum, who are notorious for bad movies, but this one is ridiculous. The lame attempt at CGI was inexcusable throughout most of the movie. I’ve seen better special effects from YouTube videos made by middle and high school kids. And even though there was some familiar faces cast in the film, their acting was just terrible. The only redeeming quality that I could salvage out of this film would be the soundtrack. Not that it was great, but it actually tried to envoke a tone throughout the film. So, with the soundtrack as the only positive, the movie gets a 4.5 turds out of 5.

It is nice to see that someone tried to make sense of the mess that is the plot and timeline of Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus. This is a helpful infographic about the film from www.staubman.com .

Browse more infographics.

Introducing: Warrior of the Lost World (1985)

Looking for a movie with some action, some things blowing up, and a clinic on how to spray bullets without hurting or killing anyone. Well, I’ve got one for you. I just finished watching 1985’s Mad Max ripoff, Warrior of the Lost World. This post-apocalyptic tale will have you wondering how to cut the annoying voice of a talking motorcycle while still keeping all it’s cool features. So, if you are curious but just want to put the movie on fast forward, I’ll provide the highlights for you so that you don’t miss anything important.

Streaming on: Netflix

Directed by: David Worth

Starring: Robert Ginty, Donald Pleasence, Persis Khambatta, Fred Williamson

Tagline: Only one rider can destroy the Omega force.

Rated: R

Stunt Dummy Appearances: 3 (Can you find them all?)

While on the run from treacherous Omega troopers and post-apocalyptic punk rockers, a mercenary (only known as The Rider) and his hyped-up, talking motorcycle named Einstein crashes his way into a lost world where he is deemed “The Chosen One” to rescue their leader who is being held captive and up for death by the evil, Prossor. With the help the leader’s daughter, Natashia, our hero sets off to rescue the good Doctor. In the process of staging a somewhat successful escape from the Omega headquarters, Natashia is trapped and brainwashed into becoming a servant to Prossor, while her father and The Rider flee the area. The two then enlist the help of a rogue’s gallery of misfits to help rebel against the Omega regime and make an attempt to save the vivacious Natashia.

What you would be missing:

• If the opening soundtrack is any indication, we are in deep trouble here.
• Good lord, can this opening credit sequence slow down a bit? And holy cow, does this scrolling novel of a prologue ever end?
• Nice motorcycle chase to start the film with Naziesque security force – Beep Beep Beep
• Talking motorcycle that is grating on the nerves five minutes into the movie.
• Dorks and Veg-outs and Geeks – Oh MY!
• Post apocalyptic vehicle chases – with probably the worst drivers ever.
• Bad voice dubbing – Yes please!
• From motorcycle running into a rock cliff side to weird healing ritual with flashlights, to militaristic training center all with no explanation – great editing. This must definitely be the world of Illusion.
• Hey! Watch where you’re pointing that gun bitch!
• Since when do tarantulas growl, hiss, and squeak, snakes hiss like electric currents, and…what the hell? Is that a zombie?
• Nothing says cinematic genius like a post-apocalyptic S&M show.
• TRMNTR-114 corporal punishment – Hasta la vista, baby.
• TROPE ALERT!!! – Heroes are deadly with  machine guns randomly firing and decimating hundreds of bad guys. Bad guys however, couldn’t hit a wall if they were standing in front of it, and apparently at point blank range.
• Don Pleasence! Oh my god is this the model for Austin Power’s Dr. Evil?
• Fight of the Decade: Punk Rock bitches vs Apocalyptic Hillbillies vs Omega Stormtroopers vs Ninjas vs Punk Surfer Dudes – my god, it’s the cast of the Borderlands video game. And no surprise, the hero rules them all.
• More bad voice dubbing.
• Who knew raising a fist would rally the troops?
• Torture with high pitched synth sounds. Ohhh the humanity!!!
• And the talking motorcycle is back – Hot to Trot, Hot to Trot, Hot to Trot!!
• Slow motion car explosions x3, motorcycle and bus casualty x 1, missed bad guy point blank shots x 1,000,000
• Nobody like a motorcycle with a dirty mouth.
• Who can stop the large steel plated, flame throwing, spike-sporting Omega dump truck? The talking motorcycle and our hero, that’s who. Well, that ended up being rather anti-climatic.
• And because of their horrible shooting skills, the Omega troopers are taken hostage by the band of rebels.
• I shall call her…Mini Me.
• Witness Fred Williamson’s Lando Calrissian moment. What a twist. I’m guessing someone was thinking sequel. Think again!
• And somewhere there rides a…Warrior. (And he’s riding that damn talking motorcycle)

Incredible and Thought Provoking Dialogue:

“Oh Boy! Oh Boy! Oh Boy! – Yippee!! Yippee!! Yippee!! – Yee Hah! Yee Hah! Yee Hah! Whoopee!!! Whoopee!!! Whoopee!!!”

“Work is everyone’s freedom. Work must be neat and efficient. Food and entertainment are provided. Silence is its own reward. Obey the laws and obligations. We are very well today.”

“Prepare her for the assembly line.”

“Wow. Wow. Wow”

After watching this movie, I couldn’t decide what it was that I liked most about it. I could recall a lot of things I hated – the soundtrack, the talking motorcycle, the cheesy acting, the stupid hand-to-hand combat sequences) but then it hit me…ahhh, the explosions! This movie had some of the most over the top vehicle explosions I think I’ve ever seen before. It’s almost as if every vehicle was a hydrogen bomb on wheels. And oh yes, I also liked Donald Pleasence as Prossor, but only because I couldn’t get the image of Dr. Evil out of my head the whole time. And the chase scenes weren’t all that bad either.  As far as the rest of the movie goes? Meh. Not much story and a lot of plot holes. If it wasn’t for the most annoying character, Einstein the motorcycle, I would have probably liked it better. CRAP!! CRAP!! CRAP!! So with that said, I am giving this movie 3 turds out of 5 because it did have some redeeming qualities and wasn’t a total waste of time.